Marriage? Isn’t All we need “Love”… and Massive Sex

We are the Yee family. I'm Bernard. I'm Angeline. I'm Abby. I'm Isaac. And I'm Elizabeth.

This is the first Sunday of Advent. The word Advent means coming.

And today we are prepared for the coming of Christmas, God's gift of Jesus to the world.

Each week we prepare by lighting a candle and focus on different themes of Christ's coming.

This week we light the candle of hope.

From the beginning of its history as a nation, Israel, God's chosen people, has experienced great trials, slavery, oppression, war, famine, exile, and despair.

In the midst of this despair, God whispered hope, one who was coming to rescue his people.

Then, one night in a manger, the most unlikely of places, in the town of Bethlehem,

before a crowd of sheep and cows, a poor peasant girl gave birth to a son.

And on that night, hope was born.

That same hope that humbly came across as a child is ours today.

In a world so full of despair and hopelessness, Christ is our undeserved hope.

He is the hope for our friends and neighbors.

He is the hope for Hong Kong.

He is the hope for the nations.

Please join us in reading from Isaiah chapter 9, verse 6 to 7, which you'll find on the screens.

Isaiah 9:6–7

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace, there will be no end.

On the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it, with justice and with righteousness,

from this time forth and forevermore, the zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.

Let us bow our heads and pray.

Restore us, O Lord, we pray.

Bring us back to that place where we once met,

as shepherd to the stable after hearing angels sing.

Bring us back to that place when our love was fresh.

Not embarrassed to express itself in praise to our heavenly King.

Restore us, O Lord, we pray.

Good morning, Watermark.

This morning, Tobin continues on with his guerrilla sermon series.

If you recall, the last couple of weeks we've had a chance to SMS questions that we may have always wanted to ask in church,

but we were a little afraid to ask them.

And so we've taken those questions and we've been putting them into specific buckets,

and we've been addressing those.

So last week we talked about money and finance and stewardship.

And today we talk about marriage and relationships and, to use a Tobinism, massive sex.

So we've had the children and students go to their classes today,

and if your kids have chosen to stay back,

we just wanted to let you know that it may be a little bit more of an adult conversation,

but if you have those conversations with your children,

you're welcome to stay with us as well.

So we've been giving these letters,

and one of the letters that we got is probably from one of our university students.

It says,

Pastor Tobin,

I was told in my uni that marriage as an institution is something from the Middle Ages

and that it's not really relevant to our day and age.

Living together is a much better option.

What are Watermark's thoughts on this?

Please take a listen to a few more letters.

Pastor,

I'm pretty confident that my spouse is having other affairs

as he travels to different countries for business.

What should I do?

Do I have him followed?

Should I ask him about this and risk everything falling apart,

or should I just shut up and live my comfortable life in Hong Kong?

I'm desperate for your thoughts,

as my friends all say it is common,

and I should just swallow shame and live with it.

Pastor T,

as a single person,

I really struggle with this idea of being single.

Or should I say,

sometimes I struggle,

and other times I say,

who cares?

And that married people are just not that happy anyway.

Actually,

I have not found that right person to complete me yet.

I'm still looking for a person who can fulfill my emotional,

sexual,

and spiritual needs without asking too much from me.

A person who can fit into my lifestyle

without slowing me down

and making me distracted from my goals.

I guess my question is,

should I be bothered by this?

Should this concern me?

Pastor,

how often should a couple have sex each month?

And no,

I'm not a man asking this.

I just want to have it more often than my husband.

My husband is always so tired,

distracted,

or busy with his work.

Would God make me with this desire for my husband

that cannot be fulfilled by him?

Help.

Help.

As a wife,

I'm really struggling with being married in Hong Kong.

I feel like I've lost my best friend,

my husband.

Because of his work,

he is often gone,

and I have to celebrate major events

in our family's lives without him.

I feel like we don't connect anymore

on a heart level,

and that often I go to bed

with a person

who no longer knows me

or cares to know me.

I mean,

we've changed so much as people

since being married,

and each stage of life

brings us further apart.

During the week,

I manage the house

and the family,

and we have our own schedule

that works.

But when he returns,

he wants us to drop everything

and to try and fit him back

into our lives.

I'm trying to do this,

but it's getting harder and harder

to fit the stranger we call dad

back into our family.

My friends at the club tell me

to just make sure

I get enough resources

before I leave him

to start over.

I do not want to do this,

but he is no longer the person

I married,

and I worry for our children.

So,

what hope does Watermark and Jesus

bring to me

in this situation?

Good morning.

The scripture reading today

comes from Genesis

and the book

to the Ephesians.

Please follow along

in your bulletins.

Then God said,

Let us make man

in our image

according to our likeness,

and let them rule

over the fish of the sea

and over the birds of the sky

and over the cattle

and over all of the earth

and over every creeping thing

that creeps on the earth.

God created man

in his own image.

In the image of God

he created him.

Male and female

he created them.

God blessed them,

and God said to them,

Be fruitful and multiply

and fill the earth

and subdue it

and rule over the fish

of the sea

and over the birds

of the sky

and over every living thing

that moves on the earth.

For I know the plans

that I have for you,

declares the Lord,

plans for welfare

and not for calamity,

to give you a future

and a hope.

Therefore be careful

how you walk,

not as unwise men,

but as wise,

making the most of your time,

because the days are evil.

So then,

do not be foolish,

but understand

what the will

of the Lord is.

And do not get drunk

with wine,

for that is dissipation,

but be filled

with the Spirit,

speaking to one another

in psalms and hymns

and spiritual songs.

Singing and making melody

with your heart

to the Lord,

always giving thanks

for all things

in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ

to God,

even the Father,

and be subject to one another

in the fear of Christ.

Wives,

be subject to your own husbands

as to the Lord,

for the husband

is the head of the wife

as Christ

is also the head of the church,

he himself

being the Savior

of the body.

But as the church

is subject to Christ,

so also the wives

ought to be

to their husbands

in everything.

Husbands,

love your wives,

just as Christ

also loved the church

and gave himself up for her,

so that he might

sanctify her,

having cleansed her

by the washing of water

with the word,

that he might present

to himself the church

in all her glory,

having no spot

or wrinkle

or any such thing,

but that she would be

holy and blameless.

So husbands

ought also

to love their own wives

as their own bodies.

He who loves

his own wife

loves himself,

for no one ever

hated his own flesh,

but nourishes

and cherishes it,

just as Christ

also does the church,

because we are members

of his body.

For this reason

a man shall leave

his father and mother

and shall be joined

to his wife,

and the two

shall become one flesh.

This mystery is great,

but I am speaking

with reference

to Christ and the church.

Nevertheless,

each individual

among you

is to love

his own wife

even as himself.

And the wife

must see to it

that she respects

her husband.

This is God's word.

Thanks guys.

Great music today.

Worshiping.

How you guys doing?

Wow.

That's pretty good,

good, great.

Better than normal.

Hey, we are,

as I get all my

stuff organized up here,

we are doing

a sermon series.

Actually,

this is the last one

for a while

as we enter into Advent,

and we are going to

have people text

messaging us.

I think the thing

is still open

if you want to try

later on.

And we are looking

at questions

that people want to ask,

but they are afraid

to ask,

because they are afraid

if they ask it,

it is going to start

this huge fight

or argument.

I called them

guerrilla Christians

in my family

growing up,

because there are things

that you know

you shouldn't go there,

but if you go there,

just prepare to get

your arms ripped off

by the person

you are talking to,

in that conversation.

And so last week,

we talked about stewardship,

money, finances,

how much we should give,

and we looked at the passage

in Luke 16,

and at the end,

we said,

hopefully,

you heard me say,

that the whole story

of the steward

only worked

as long as the master

was good.

The story of stewardship

that we read,

the story of the guy

trying to cheat

and trying to fix

and focus on his future

only was going to work

if the master

was good

and gracious

and kind.

Because no matter

how clever he was

in trying to figure out

his future

and what was important

in his future,

if the master

called him on it,

he would be lost.

So today,

and I think that's a theme

we need to carry

through all of our talks,

today we want to look at

questions that you've heard

talked about.

We want to look at the idea

of marriage,

love,

sex,

maybe a little dating.

We'll probably do another one

for dating,

for singles.

And I think this is probably

a topic that is,

I've actually never heard this

in church before,

hardly ever growing up.

I mean,

I never heard a topic

on marriage

or a sermon series

on marriage.

I've never heard

a sermon series

on relationships,

guys and girls,

roles.

I've never heard

a topic for sure

or a sermon on sex.

But I think that,

and you can say that word

in church,

sex,

okay?

So some of you

are going to,

we'll edit it out

when people listen on it,

but that's okay

because God created that.

But I think that was

one of those things

that I'd never imagined

that we could talk about

in the church

and yet the church

needed to talk about it

so much.

It seemed like the church

throughout the ages

was quiet

when it needed

to speak up.

And it seems like it,

when it spoke up,

it didn't necessarily

say the right things.

It said things

that kind of got changed

as cultures and time

and was not good

and basically ended up

putting people

in bondage

and legalism

as opposed to grace

and mercy

and love.

My family

never talked

about these things.

I can remember

when it came time

to talk about sex,

my dad gave me

this book.

And the book

had two people

walking their dogs.

And it said,

look,

the masters

are walking the dog.

There's a daddy dog

and there's a girl dog.

Oh, next page.

The daddy dog

and the girl dog,

they fall in love.

Isn't marriage great?

Next page.

Daddy dog

and the girl dog

go into a room.

The door shuts.

Next page.

The door opens,

daddy dog

and the girl dog

walk out

and there's a whole bunch

of little puppies

behind them.

Isn't sex wonderful?

And a week later

my dad came back

to me and he said,

are there any questions

you have

on marriage,

love,

or sex?

And I was like,

there's no way

I'm going to ask

a question to my parents

on this topic.

And I just think

it was just,

I just remember that.

And even to this day

as siblings

when we talk about kids

and growing up

and a sex question

comes up,

we say,

okay,

you better bring out

the puppy book

and let's open up

the puppy book

and see what the puppy book says.

But I think that,

you know,

you can learn a lot

about,

hey Charles,

can I ask you

a quick favor?

Could you shut that door

so we can,

for the outside

for the kids?

I think you can learn

a lot about

how a culture

talks about marriage,

love,

and sex.

And you can look

at our culture

and look at how

it's portrayed

on movies

and on videos

and songs

and you can learn

a lot about

the values

and things

that we put in that.

In the Old Testament,

whenever you talked

about relationships

and marriage

and sex,

the word that always

came out

was this word

yada.

Yada.

Y-A-W-D-A-H.

Can you say it with me?

Yada.

Yada.

And sometimes

you hear people say

yada, yada, yada.

But that is the word

that was primarily

used in the Hebrew culture

when it started talking

about sex,

marriage,

and relationships.

It's used over 500 times

in the Old Testament.

And when you look

at its usage,

some guys have done

extensive studies

on yada,

you see that it means

to know,

to observe,

to study closely,

to be a servant of,

to have a relationship with,

to have marriage,

to have sexual relationships.

It's not just

this abstract idea,

yada,

oh, I know that person

over there.

But when you say yada,

it means intimacy.

It means coming together.

It means knowing

that person

very, very well.

It means being a student

of that person.

It means knowing

what that person

is thinking

before they say it.

in a relationship,

as you walk

into a relationship

with a man

and a woman,

it's this yada,

it's this intimacy

that happens.

Now,

sometimes you see

somebody and you say,

I see my wife over there

and I go,

yada, yada, yada,

which has other meanings

to that.

It means beyond,

I just want to know her,

but I want to

spend time with her

in the puppy room,

right?

So that's what that means.

But we're going to talk

about that today

and it's important

to remember that

when the Bible talks

about marriage

and sex

and love,

that it's always done

in this aspect

of caring.

It's always done

in the aspect

of commitment.

It's always done

with this understanding

of a personal knowing.

It's always done

with this idea

of sacrifice.

there's always

the word covenant

that is after it.

And we're going to talk

about what that covenant

means because

there is a huge meaning

behind the idea

of covenant

and what it means

when a man

and a woman

covenant together.

And so we're going

to talk about

what does it mean

to be sacred.

We're going to talk

about yada.

In 60 AD,

the passage that you have

here right now,

Paul was in prison.

Well, he wasn't really

in prison.

He was in chains.

He was in chains

between these Roman soldiers

and they kept him

in his house

because he paid

for his house.

So he's paying

for his house,

paying for his prison.

He's been chained up

and he hears this news

and the news is

that this young church

that he started

in Ephesus

was having trouble

and he became

very concerned

about it.

And this church

was very interesting.

He planted it

about two years before

and this church

was planted

in a culture

that was surrounded

by at least

three other cultures.

It was surrounded

by the Roman culture

and it was Roman

by the Greek culture

and it was Roman

by the Hebrew culture

and Jewish culture

and all of these cultures

came in

and started to influence

God's people

in a very,

very negative

and harsh way.

And so,

as Paul started

to see this church

start to fall apart

and struggle with

what does it mean

to yada?

What does it mean

to have relationships?

What does it mean

to be married?

What does it mean

to know people?

What does it mean

to serve people?

He penned this passage

in this book of Ephesians

and I think when we read this

for me personally

it is something

that we just kind of read

and we forget about

how powerful

and meaningful it is

because when Paul

wrote this passage

things were very different

than it was today.

In Paul's day and age

in Roman,

Greek,

in Hebrew society

a woman meant nothing.

A woman was property.

She had no rights

whatsoever.

She could not divorce

her husband

no matter how bad

he treated her

and if he disappeared

for 20 years

there is no way

that she could get rid

of him.

But in these cultures

the man

could divorce a woman

in an instant.

I was reading

some old text

and it said

basically this guy

divorced his wife

because she made

the food

too salty.

and that's the culture

that Paul was writing to

and this is the culture

that the people

were struggling with.

Men in this day

they were gods.

They were rulers.

They were the king.

They were under

no obligation.

They had no responsibility

to their wife

or to their family.

They didn't have to care.

The passage says

as you read history

that most men

had four to five

to six mistresses,

concubines,

and other wives.

The only reason

they had a wife

was to take care

of the children

while they were

out traveling.

But when it came

to ideas of love

and relationship,

Aristotle,

Plato,

Plutarch,

the play writers

in Greek

and Roman history,

none of them

would ever say

that that happened

within the family.

None of them

would ever say

that it happened

between husband and wife.

They would always say

that it happened

outside of the marriage thing.

Love was seen

purely as an emotion

there was no commitment

behind it

and most of the time

love was lived

outside of marriage.

You would never say

that you loved your wife.

You would say

you loved your concubines.

You loved your mistresses.

But you never

loved your wife.

Sex was either seen

as something

that you needed to do

like breathe

or eat

or it was seen

as something dirty

and terrible.

And marriage

was merely

a social transaction.

The women and men

would go down

to the forum

after work at night.

They would have

a couple drinks.

They would look

at the guys

who walked in

and they would see

who was the most handsome,

who was the most in shape,

who wore the best togas,

who drove

the fastest chariots,

and they would say

that's the guy

I want to hook

my trailer to.

And that's what

marriage was all about.

Marriage was seen

only as a contractual agreement

to elevate one family

to a higher position socially.

So you never saw

people marrying

for love

because the women

couldn't do that.

The dad would always

marry the women off

to benefit their family

and to make

a better thing happen.

So this is the world

that Paul is living in.

This is the world

that Paul is writing

this book of Ephesians to

and that's why

when you read it,

you have to say,

wow,

he's making

some amazing changes.

Because for thousands

of years,

this is how people

saw men.

For thousands of years,

this is how people

saw women.

For thousands of years,

this is how people

saw marriage.

For thousands of years,

this is how people

saw love and sex

and they saw it

very different

than the way

Paul taught,

the way the Scripture

points to,

the way that Jesus

talked to.

In the book of Ephesians

for the first time,

as we see,

Paul writes

and he pens out there

that women,

they're no longer

just material items.

But they have

equal value

and worth

within God's family

and kingdom.

To be single

was looked at

as something terrible

in the ancient world.

No one would ever

want to be single.

It was terrible.

You should never do that

because everyone knew

that your worth

was dependent upon

the children

that you passed down

from generation to generation.

But for the first time

in the church,

singleness was elevated

to this high place

and this high standard.

Paul didn't take a wife.

Jesus didn't take a wife.

Some of the greatest leaders

in the church

said it's okay

because you're elevated

and you're pushed off

maybe not by your

physical children

but by your spiritual children.

And the people

who would have been

disturbed the most

by the passage today

would be the men.

Because when the men

heard words like

love your wives

and it was commanded

to them

to love their wives

it was about

an action.

And in that day

and age

no one ever

loved their wives.

The idea of loving

your wives unconditionally

to be a servant

to sacrifice

to give of yourself

to seek the highest

good for your wife

to be unconditional

to be selfless

to be sacrificial

to not live

for yourself

to be a servant

leader.

This is the first time

this was ever said

in the history

of the world.

And so when the church

heard this

and they were being

influenced by the Greeks

and the Romans

and the Jewish culture

it was

outstanding

and amazing

and hard

and difficult

because of where

they came from.

Marriage

was lifted up

and was shown

to be a mystery

and it was shown

to be this idea

of God's

redempting story

being played out

throughout the world.

So now instead of

just being a contractual

agreement

it was something

that God

blessed

he ordained

and he showed

that I'm going to

show the world

what it's like

to have a relationship

with Christ

as they look at you

and your wife

and live out

this story

of two sinful people

coming together

and working together.

Love is a commitment

it's not a feeling

and all of these

things God

tells us

Paul tells us

is based on

God's relationship

with himself.

All of these

things are based

on Jesus

and how he lived

in the world

because we know

from eternity past

that God

created and

existed in three

people

God the Father

God the Son

and God the Holy Spirit

and there was never

a time that there

wasn't a Trinity

and there was never

a time that these

three people

didn't defer

didn't care for

didn't think more

of

didn't serve

didn't selflessly

give to the other

person

and Paul is saying

in the midst of

all of these things

as we look at

Jesus

as we look at

how God is

that is how

we are also

to be

now when everybody

heard this

again it would have

been counter

cultural

because Paul

is saying

that even

within the

character of

Jesus

there's always

an other

orientation

that Jesus

was always

thinking about

other people

that Jesus

was always

serving other

people

that the Godhead

was always

deferring to each

other and they

were serving

and giving

to each other

and he basically

encourages the

church in Ephesus

he encourages us

that we're to do

the same

that we're to do

the same

Paul's basically

telling the church

here

that the basis

of their problems

is self-centeredness

the basis of their

problems is an

unwillingness to

serve

and he's telling

them that as we

go on this journey

with God

that every day

each one of us

have a choice

of how this

story is going

to play out

we can play it

out according to

what God has

said in his

word

and we can

trust him to

be good

and trust him

to be in

control

and trust him

to be holy

and gentle

and gracious

and forgiving

or we can

play it out

according to

what the world

says

this is how

you should

live

this is what

you should

do

and in the

midst of all

of these

themes

that we can

play out

as we live

out our lives

the scripture

is really

clear

that in the

midst of it

you and

I are

radically

self-centered

you and I

are radically

self-centered

and we need

a hero

to come into

our lives

and to change

us

I want to

look at the

questions that

were brought

in today

my wife said

I can't do

it alone

and so

I wanted

to ask

Christina

to come

up

and we're

going to

kind of

talk about

these really

quickly

and we want

to look at

some of

these things

and if we

have enough

time

we will

take some

other questions

but again

we feel like

this is just

a foundation

we're building

on this

foundation

of marriage

and relationships

and sex

as we live

our life

as a family

and a church

we believe

that God

has put us

here to be

a part of

the community

and to be

with each

other

and to be

as open

as possible

so my

prayer is

that there's

never a time

you don't feel

like you can't

ask us a

question

and there's

never a time

as a community

that we're not

dialoguing

and talking

about all

of these

things

and so

we're going

to cut

the video

off now

because we

don't want

to record

this

I'm going

to close

this up

right now

there's a

couple things

I want to

share with

you really

quickly

there's a

book sale

out there

all the

books are

we're selling

at a loss

some of them

20%

but there's

some books

here that I

think are

great on

marriage

actually

they're the

best books

I've ever

read

and Christina

and I

have made

a career

of reading

marriage books

there's three

of two of them

first one is

The Meaning of

Marriage by

Tim Keller

it's one of the

best books

I've ever read

on marriage

this is a

great book

for single

people

if you're

single

I would

I challenge

you to read

this

if you don't

like it

give it back

to me

I'll give

you the

money back

and the other

book is Sacred

Marriage

it's by Gary

Thomas

it's one of the

best books on

marriage and

relationships

do we have

sacred influence

I'm not sure

but they're all

out there at the

book table

and then

there's this

devotion

it just came

out

Christina and I

started reading

it

it's 365 day

devotion

it's one of the

best devotions

I've ever seen

and so I just

went ahead and

order

if I were

independently wealthy

which you know

by my salary

I'm not

I would buy

everybody in

the church

one of these

books and give

it to you as a

gift for Christmas

because I think

they are significant

and so they're on

the book sale out

there at the table

so please check

the books on the

way out

for you

also we talked

about being a

successful steward

last Sunday

was using our

money to give

people an

opportunity to

hear about Jesus

that's what

stewardship is

in scripture

and so we have

several neat

opportunities and

this one right

here is December

15th

we're having

Michael Ramson

come in for

training in the

morning and

then at night

we are giving

out tickets

we're having

four turkeys

a Christmas

meal and an

outreach at the

community center

and so these

tickets are available

right now outside

so if you can't

come for the

dinner that night

unless you bring

a friend who

is asking

questions about

Christianity

and this will be

the ticket to

get you in

so we want to

encourage you to

pray about who

you're going to

bring

it's going to

be a great

night

Michael's going

to do a

20 minute

presentation

on Christmas

and its meaning

we're going to

have a Q&A

time afterwards

a lot of food

and fun and

fellowship so

grab a ticket

right there

and also on

your way out

you can grab

some of these

these are

we're sending

out 19,000

of these

this year

to every

English speaking

household in

this area

this part of

Hong Kong

Island

it's basically

an invitation

to the Christmas

celebration that

we're going to

do on December

25th

so we want

to encourage

you to grab

some of these

and hand them

out to your

friends and

people in your

workplace

and just use

them to use

your money wisely

to invite people

to hear and have

opportunities about

hearing about Jesus

we didn't take an

offering this Sunday

we don't ever take

offerings but you

know that all the

offering from the

bulletins and the

books they all go

to outreach

and so as you

consider what Christ

has done in your

life we would just

ask for you to

tithe in that

manner like we

talked about last

Sunday and with

that

you want to

pray I'll pray

let me pray

by the way

thank you please

stand up yeah

we'll just

by the way thank

you for this day

thank you for your

grace even as we

bumbled through these

questions but I

pray as a church

that we just cannot

afford not to talk

about these things

so just give us

grace and wisdom

and how to move

forward in

relationships and

in dating I

pray for people who

are here

Lord that if they

want to talk to

somebody immediately

afterwards there'll

be people up here

to pray there's a

men's fellowship that

started up they can

grab a hold of that

there's a women's

fellowship that started

up and what I pray

that we would not

leave here without

finding ways to

connect and allow

you to to change

us what I pray for

our church family

here I know that

we're all at

different stages of

life we're all

struggling with

different things and

above all of these

things we need your

grace and mercy and

so we become before

you and we realize

that you have to be

the hero of our

story you have to be

the person who who

leads it and if you're

not then we're we're

in trouble and so we

come before you this

beginning of the

Christmas season and

we just worship you

we thank you for your

amazingness as God

that you sent your son

for us and we come

and we just we just

worship in that sense

pray that we would be

different we pray that

Hong Kong would be

different because of

what you've done in us

today so Lord we come

and we worship you and

we love you in Jesus

name amen God bless you

next week next week we're

back here there's

donations wait one

second there's already a

Christmas present

underneath this tree

oh man what's it say

it says to uncle millen

happy birthday from the

miller kids millen you

want to come get this

millen is not on staff

millen serves he serves

he does an amazing job

and my kids knew that

your birthday was

Thursday and you're 22

I am 21 21 and so they

wanted to get you a

present so this is from

the miller family right

here so bring your food

in there's some business

cards for the men's

ministry happy birthday

millen

gather together with a man

and we'll see you back

here next Sunday love you

guys

have a good week

hey I forgot to announce

also there's the

foundations class that we've

been doing this morning and

this evening so if you want

to join that it's for one

hour it's right out the

door following Chris and

there's a choir rehearsal

right here in the back so

foundation class for one

hour we want everybody in

the church to be a part of

that it'll be next week

also and then a choir right

here thank you

few O'neil

meeting

to

AAA

you