The Wise and the Tongue

Good morning, everybody. Good morning. My name is Chris, and I'm a teaching pastor here at

Watermark. If this is your first time here, if it's your hundredth time here, we're just really

excited for you to be here. I know some of you I can see coming back from vacation. Some people

are still on vacation, but it's just really exciting to be here. It's sunny. We've got a

community lunch afterwards, and it's just great to be in God's presence together. I don't know about

you, but every single one of us walked in here this morning carrying a weapon. It's a weapon of such

power that it can have explosive impact more than a nuclear bomb in the hands of King Jong-un.

tongue. It's a weapon which changes things. I'm talking about the tongue, if you weren't aware.

You see, people estimate that you and I will speak between 120 and 850 million words in our lives.

That's enough to fill the pages of between 150 and 1,085 Bibles just with your words.

And if you included texts, you included Facebook messages, emails, you and I speak a lot, right?

And our culture knows that words have power. You know, the CEO, the former CEO of Google,

Eric Schmidt said about Steve Jobs, he said, he could persuade me of things I didn't even believe in.

That's what he said, because we know words have power. And if you think about it, every single

major movement that has ever happened in the whole of history has always been launched with words.

Whether it's the Nazis in Germany, whether it's the civil rights movement in the States, whether it's

the Communist Party in China, every movement, words have launched it because words shape the world.

And we're looking at the book of Proverbs. We've been going through it over the summer.

And this is just a very challenging what Proverbs tells us about the tongue.

Proverbs 18, 21 says this,

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Did you get that? Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

And you may think that's a little bit exaggerated, but I don't know if you've watched the news and seen

the number of kids who've committed suicide because of the words of others. You know, just two weeks ago

in the States, there was that girl, 18-year-old, got sentenced for encouraging a kid to commit suicide,

her boyfriend, because words truly do have the power of life and death.

And you know, we say things like, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,

which is a complete lie, right? We know that's a lie.

Like, we have words right from very young which still shape our lives even to this day,

words that have been spoken to us. You know, when I was young, I was a fairly confident,

non-self-conscious kid. And then one day in one of the class, one kid in my class said something like this.

He said, do you get good TV reception with ears that big?

And do you know what I did? The first thing I did was I went into the mirror and looked.

It was kind of like, they're not that big. But the words had begun to eat themselves down into my heart.

And so even today, and I only realized this as I was preparing this, when I go to get a short haircut,

those words are still in the back of my mind, even to this day, because words have power.

And I suspect most of us in this room have words from our past which equally shape us.

You know, much of our workaholism, much of our dieting, much of the amount of time we spend in the bathroom

is all shaped by words people have said to us.

And we often don't even realize it.

And you know, sometimes it's not just the words that are said,

it's also the absence of words that can affect us.

Because you know, some of you, you desperately wanted your father and mother to comfort you when you were young,

but they stayed silent.

Words have power in our lives.

And the Bible story that we keep talking about is a story about words.

You know, when God creates the world, what does he do?

He speaks.

He says, light, and there's light.

He says, there's trees, and there's trees.

He says, chickens, and there's chickens.

Because when God speaks, his words create reality.

And words fuel change because we are image bearers of a God whose words create reality and change life.

You know, I don't know if you've noticed when a one-year-old, or kind of around that age,

suddenly starts kind of gurgling some sounds out, you know,

you know, you know.

And the parents, really interesting, parents all suddenly very excited, crowd round,

thinking, is that his first words?

What did he say?

I think it was garam masala.

Or like someone else would be like, geometry.

I don't know what it was, but we get so excited that someone's going to be saying their first words.

Why?

Because words are what helps us enter into relationship with people.

We're longing for a deepened relationship with our child.

And now we're thinking, now we can communicate.

Because words are about relationships.

And when God speaks to us, it's grace that he speaks.

He could stay silent, but he doesn't.

Because he longs for life-giving, refreshing relationship with us.

That's what his words are about.

If you go through the Bible story, you see it.

To Abraham, God speaks promises of blessing.

To Moses, he speaks words of instruction.

To David, he speaks promises of hope.

To Israel, he warns them of danger.

To the demons, he speaks and they go.

To sickness, Jesus speaks and they're healed.

To the shamed, he speaks and they're forgiven and they're cleansed.

And when people were leaving Jesus because his words were getting too intense for them,

he turns to his disciples and he says, hey, do you guys want to go as well?

And do you know what they say?

They say, where else are we going to go, Jesus?

You have the words of eternal life.

It's all about words in the Bible story.

But if you remember back in Genesis 3,

there's a serpent.

Satan.

Shatan in Hebrew.

What's the first thing that Satan does?

What does he do?

First thing?

He speaks.

What does he say?

He says, did God really say that?

And everything that Satan does in the Bible is to undermine God's word.

Everything is to undermine the relationship with God and with each other.

That's what he's doing all the way through.

Jesus says it like this.

He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

And he does it through words.

He does it through words.

You know, the word Satan in the Bible, do you know what it means?

It means the accuser.

And in Greek, the word devil, which is diabolos, means the slanderer.

And Jesus himself says when talking about the devil, he says, you know,

lying is his second nature because he's the father of lies.

You see, right in the Bible story, right at the heart of it, is a war of words.

And Proverbs states the war like this.

He says, your words can be life or death.

They can be healing or hurting.

They can be blessing or cursing.

They can build up people or they can tear people down.

You choose.

So we're going to look at this challenging topic today as we continue our series.

And we're going to examine the fruit of words.

We're going to look at the heart of words and the healing of words and the healing through our words.

Okay?

Fruit, heart, healing, and then using our words to heal others.

Okay?

You with me so far?

Good.

If you have your bulletin, have your bulletin open.

There's a lot of passages there.

We're not going to look at all of them.

But I want to kind of pick out a few just so you get a flavor of what Proverbs is really telling us about the tongue and about words.

Okay?

Proverbs 18, verse 20.

Proverbs 18:20

It's on the other side of your sheet.

It says,

What he's saying is,

Your mouth is always producing something.

Okay?

It's never neutral.

Your mouth is producing either the fruit of life or the fruit of death.

It's like a, if you take a picture, it's like a mango tree.

Okay?

Mangoes are continually coming out of your mouth if you take the image.

Okay?

Maybe that's a little strange for you.

But bear with me.

Bear with me.

But if you're continually offering rotten mangoes to somebody else, he's saying,

Don't expect to get fresh ones back.

Because the word satisfied doesn't actually mean fully satisfied.

It means you're going to get back the harvest that you sowed.

The yield that you sowed.

And that's going to be shaped by what you say.

And so he says,

If you want to be refreshed in your relationships,

then give refreshment to others with your words.

If you want conflict, it's easy.

Just speak words of anger and you'll soon get the fruit of it.

That's what he's saying.

And if you think about it,

I don't know if you're in relationships that you're part of,

but there's often this kind of crazy cycle that occurs.

You know, you come home from work.

You've had a long day.

You've skipped lunch.

You're starving at the end of the day.

If you've got a helper, your helper's away.

And you know that your spouse has been back home at least two hours before you.

And all you want to do is just put your feet up,

just have something to eat,

just settle back for the night.

And you walk in the front door and you smell nothing.

Anyone been there?

And you go up to your spouse.

There's literally nothing ready.

And your spouse says to you,

Sorry, food's not ready because I was just doing some online shopping.

At that moment is a life and death moment.

Right?

It's a harvest moment.

So what would I say?

You know, why isn't the food ready?

What have you been doing for the last two hours?

And the reply of love and grace comes,

What am I, your slave?

And they say,

Don't you know how hard I've been working for this family all these years?

And what's beginning to go on there?

What am I offering?

Life?

I'm offering rotten mangoes.

And what am I getting back?

I'm getting back.

Death.

In my life.

And what's happening in that relationship is,

if we're not careful,

the spiral of death can keep going.

And you know, in marriage counseling,

what you realize is,

marriages don't break down from just one poor decision.

It's a thousand little moments of death

that take place in our lives,

and are never checked.

A thousand little,

Why are you always late?

Do I have to do everything?

That person's spouse can do it so much better than you.

Right?

Death, death, death, death, death.

And you know,

when I'm on my good moments,

I hold my tongue.

But inside,

those same words are kind of internally

spewing through my mind.

And so,

I sullenly withdraw.

My body language speaks,

even if my words don't.

Proverbs 12, 18 says this,

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Wow, this is a challenging verse, I tell you.

The word rash means impulsive.

It means allowing your emotions to steer your tongue

rather than thinking before you speak.

That's what it means.

And what he's saying is,

when your emotions are the steering wheel of your tongue,

your words are like a sword

which pierces into people

and wounds them.

Anyone convicted by that?

You know, you go into your kid's bedroom,

they have a test tomorrow.

What are they doing?

Computer games,

texting friends,

no revision.

Your blood is beginning to boil

because you've told them 15 times to do it.

It's a life and death moment.

And you see,

if you seek to bring correction when you're angry,

instead of waiting until you've calmed down

to deal with it,

what happens?

We let fly.

And when we let fly,

the fruit we pick

is either anger

or emotional withdrawal

or even guilt ourselves

because we think afterwards,

why did I say that?

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Words are powerful

because they bear fruit.

But the fruit of words

comes out of the heart of words.

That's what I want to go to next.

The heart of words.

Proverbs 16, 23 and 24.

The first verse says this.

The heart of the wise

makes his speech judicious

and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

Okay?

The heart of the wise

makes his speech judicious

and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

You know when the Bible talks about the heart,

it's not talking about

kind of Hollywood,

just emotions.

It's actually saying

in the Old Testament,

your heart is really

the inner command center

of your life.

It's where you're thinking,

you're feeling,

your decisions

actually are made.

And so,

the paradigm is

you have a physical body

and you have a heart.

And your heart

is like the steering wheel

which guides your body.

Okay?

That's the image.

And when it says

the heart of the wise

makes his lips judicious,

the word judicious

means prudent,

having the wisdom

to know

what to say

at the right time

and what not to say.

And he says

wisdom comes out

of your heart.

Because whether the fruit

of life comes out,

whether the fruit of death

comes out,

is shaped by what's going on

in your internal root system

down below.

You know,

Jesus says it like this.

He says in Luke 6,

no good tree bears bad fruit,

nor does a bad tree

bear good fruit.

But the good person

brings good things

out of the good

stored up in his heart.

And the evil person

brings evil things

out of the evil

stored up in his heart.

And here's the thing.

For out of the overflow

of the heart

the mouth speaks.

Out of the overflow

of your heart

the mouth speaks.

I don't know

if you can put up

a little diagram.

Paul Tripp,

who some of you know,

he came here a few years ago.

He's a counselor

in the States.

He has this diagram

to show us

what happens

in our lives.

In our lives

we have the heat of life

which is the situations

we face.

Your kids not doing

the homework,

that sarcastic comment

from your colleague.

Whatever it is,

it's the trigger

for a response.

And what comes out

of your response

can be thorns

or it can be good fruit.

Rotten mangoes

are good mangoes.

fruit comes out

ultimately from the root

of what is at the bottom

of those trees.

And we reap

the consequences

of what flows in

and out of our roots

into our words.

You know,

he tells a story

of when he went

to an extended family reunion.

And when he was there,

his uncle

had got incredibly drunk

and was kind of

coming out

with all kinds

of very sexually

explicit language.

And his mom

grabs him

and his brother

and rushes them

to the car,

sits them in back,

and just before

he's about to drive off,

she says to them

this thing

that they never forgot.

He says,

I want to say

something to you

and I want you

never to forget it.

There's nothing

that comes out

of the mouth

of a drunk

that wasn't there

in the first place.

There's nothing

that comes out

of the mouth

of a drunk

that wasn't there

in the first place.

That's what Jesus

is saying.

You see,

it wasn't alcohol

that made him

say those things.

Alcohol just

loosened his lips.

And with his lips

loosened,

out came his heart.

You see,

your word problems

are heart problems.

I remember

a little while ago

with Fiona and I

had to go to a party.

We were late.

Fiona was sharing

about a real challenge

she was having at work.

It was a really tough situation

and, you know,

I got the point

after a few minutes.

I was caring,

compassionate,

but then she kept talking

and kept sharing.

And I was looking

at my watch

and it's getting later

and later and later.

And I was biting my tongue,

you know,

loving husband.

And I'm thinking,

come on,

come on,

we've got to go.

We're going to be late.

And after 20 minutes

had gone past,

finally I'd had enough

and out of my frustration

I said two loving,

deeply compassionate words

in Cantonese.

I said,

which means,

got to go.

And I stood up

and I started walking

towards the door.

You can imagine

the conversation

going to the party

was filled with life

and love

and grace.

It wasn't.

But I realized something.

In my two words,

the two words,

I had expressed

something far more profound

than what I'd actually said

in the words.

What I was saying was,

I was saying,

I'm not interested

in your issues.

I was saying,

me being on time

is more important

than you.

That's what I was saying.

I was saying,

my heart wants

to get my way

and if I can't be the one

who gets in my way,

then I've got to,

I've got to say something.

I've got to do something

to fix the situation

because your problems

are getting in my way

of being on time.

That's what I was saying.

And so,

afterwards,

do you know what?

I apologize

and I say things like,

hey, I'm sorry

I was insensitive.

I'm sorry

I was impatient.

Do you realize

that's not actually

a true apology?

Because what am I apologizing?

I'm apologizing

for the fruit

but I'm not apologizing

for the root

of my heart

because

what I needed

to say was,

hey, I'm sorry

for being the kind

of person

who puts myself

before you.

I'm sorry

for being the kind

of person

who has to have

things his own way.

That's what I needed

to apologize for.

And you know,

if you're angry,

Proverbs tells you,

you read the verses,

it tells you,

hold your tongue.

Learn to count to ten,

do whatever it takes

like to stop yourself

digging yourself

into a grave.

Okay?

Do that.

But realize

just a bit of extra discipline

is only a band-aid

that you're putting

on a temporary band-aid

which isn't dealing

with the real issues

which are going on

in your heart.

Our words

reproduce fruit

and our words

flow from our hearts.

But now let's talk

about the healing

of words.

John Newton,

who many of you

have heard of

the hymn Amazing Grace,

who,

he wrote that hymn,

he was a slave trader,

he said this,

and this is just

really challenging,

he said,

there is perhaps

no one test

or proof

of the reality

of a work of grace

upon the heart

more simple,

clear,

and infallible

than the general tenor

of our language

and conversation.

No more proof

of the reality

of grace

working in your heart

than what comes

out of your mouth.

The 19th century preacher

Charles Spurgeon

said this,

the grace of God

sweetens a man's tongue

and if his religion

does not operate

upon his speech,

surely it isn't

the religion

of the pure

and holy God.

And I thought about that,

that sounds a little extreme,

doesn't it?

And then I read

in the book of James

which says,

if anyone thinks

he's religious

and yet you can't

control your tongue,

your religion

is worthless.

Now do you get

what he's saying?

He's saying,

and he's not saying

this to condemn us,

he's saying this,

he's saying your conversation,

what you talk about,

how you talk about it,

the words and the tone

that you use

are the demonstration

of how much

you've understood

and embraced

the gospel

in your life.

He's saying

if harshness

and criticalness

and complaining

is all that comes out,

that's evidence

that you need

more of the gospel

in your life.

Proverbs 15,

28 says this,

the heart of the righteous

ponders how to answer

but the mouth

of the wicked

pours out evil things.

The heart of the righteous

changes how they respond,

how they use words,

so who are the righteous?

The righteous

are those

who are in a right

relationship with God.

They're the good tree

that Jesus

was talking about.

They're those

who recognize

their utter need

for Jesus

to save them

even from their mouths

and their hearts

and they've heard

Jesus' words of life

in the gospel

and they've put

their trust in him

and they fill

their hearts

with his grace,

with his word,

with his promises

and they trust

ultimately

in God's

final word to us

which is Jesus himself.

And you know,

I don't know where you are.

I don't know where

you are in your

relationship with God.

If you're like,

I don't know

if I'm one of the righteous.

The Bible says,

today is the day

where you've got to

run to Jesus,

run to him

and say,

God,

I don't understand,

maybe I don't even know

whether you're real or not

but please show me

because you've got to

save me

from my words

which may destroy

more people.

But if you know

that as a Christian,

you are one of the righteous,

the righteous want

their speech

patterned after Jesus

and they think

about him.

You know,

so if you look through

how Jesus uses his words,

it's extraordinary.

You know,

when Peter,

Peter says

to Jesus,

you're the Messiah

and Jesus says to him,

he affirms him,

he says,

blessed are you,

Peter,

because God,

my Father,

revealed this to you.

A moment later,

Peter's trying to run

his own world,

his way

and then he says,

and Jesus says to him,

he rebukes him,

he says,

get behind me,

Satan.

He's not afraid

to correct.

Then in the Garden

of Gethsemane,

the moment of absolute

loneliness

and suffering

for Jesus,

Jesus asks his disciples,

hey,

would you pray with me?

Would you be with me?

Would you support me

during this time?

And he goes off

and prays

and he comes back

and what happens?

They're all falling asleep.

And so Jesus

at that moment

comes to them

and comes to Peter

and says to him,

what kind of a friend

are you?

How do you treat me

when I need you the most?

Is that what he says?

No.

It's extraordinary.

He says,

Peter,

I know you mean well.

You're just weak.

The spirit is willing

but the flesh is weak.

And he just shows him grace.

And then he gets to the cross

and he's nailed there

and he's spat upon

and he's mocked

with words of hatred

and contempt

and accusation

and the sword thrusts

of people's words

are piercing

just as your words

and my words

pierce others

and pierce his heart too.

And he says

those incredible words.

He says,

Father,

forgive them

for they don't know

what they're doing.

I've wondered

for a long time.

What on earth

he means by that statement.

Have you thought about it?

They don't know

what they're doing.

Of course they know

what they're doing.

They're killing him.

They're mocking him.

That's not an accident.

Why does Jesus say that?

Well,

because when the rotten fruit

is being thrown at him,

how does he respond?

But he responds

with a beautiful fruit

of forgiveness

and grace

and kindness

and love

because,

and here's the thing,

because his heart

is so deeply entrenched

in the Father's love

for him.

You know,

the words

that his Father

speaks over him.

You see how the relationship

within the Trinity works?

At the baptism of Jesus,

do you know what

the Father says to him?

He says,

You are my son

whom I love.

With you

I am well pleased.

That's the words

Jesus soaks in.

He's got deep affirmation

from the Father's love

so when words

pierce him,

he's not responding

with revenge

but he's responding

with grace.

That's the key

to our heart change.

That you know

the love of God

and his words

in your life.

that's what will

sweeten your tongue.

And I don't know,

some of us may feel

like we've blown it

with our words.

Not just once

but many, many times.

And you wonder

whether you can actually

ever change really.

Because you see

the carnage

of your words

and you feel like

you've lost the battle.

But there's an amazing thing

the Bible says

it's the devil

who's the accuser

and the condemner.

It's not Jesus.

And what God

wants to do

in your heart

and in my heart

is to work

a process

of deep

heart level

repentance.

That you may have

to do again

and again

and again.

But as you do that,

as you soak

in the gospel

of Jesus' love

for you,

He's going to

change you.

He's going to

sweeten your tongue.

He will.

And what repentance

means,

it means owning

our self-centeredness.

Stop blaming

on others.

You know,

I was tired.

If you hadn't

have said that,

I wouldn't have said that.

That is denial.

That's not

heart level repentance.

You know,

many of us,

including myself,

don't often realize

how we sound

to other people.

Have you realized that?

I've realized that.

You know,

my wife just really

helps me with this.

Because sometimes

I think I'm just

being honest

and my wife says,

hey, you know,

that sounds really harsh.

And here's something

I think all of us

need to do.

If you want to

really work

in a deep

heart repentance

in your life,

let me ask you

to do something

which is painful.

Repentance requires

you to hate your sin

and to hate

the consequences.

So ask your spouse,

ask a good friend,

ask even your

older children,

when I speak,

how does it sound

to you?

How do I come across?

And be ready

for whatever comes back.

Without trying

to justify yourself,

without trying

to defend yourself,

because that may be

the most useful

feedback you get

to lead you

to really understanding

how much you need Jesus.

Because

if you go back

to the diagram,

you saw

that when we run

back to the cross,

and we receive

his forgiveness,

the words

he speaks over us

are the words

that God speaks over,

his father spoke over him,

you are my beloved son

or my beloved daughter.

With you

I am well pleased.

Not well pleased

because of your word,

but well pleased

because you're mine.

And I've given you

everything

for you to get back up

and for you to live

a life that pleases me.

The fruit of our words

comes out of our hearts,

but the healing

of our words

comes out

of knowing the gospel,

walking back

in repentance

again and again,

massaging it

into our lives.

Over time,

we will be sweetened

in our tongues.

So let me come on

to our final point.

Because as God works

that work

in your own heart,

what he wants to do

is he wants to use us

and to have words

which actually bring

healing to others.

Proverbs 15

Proverbs 15:4

verse 4

says this.

A gentle tongue

is a tree of life.

A gentle tongue

is a tree of life.

And you look through

some of the other passages

you'll say it says

gracious words.

Gracious words

are just like honeycomb.

It says they're sweet

to the soul,

they're health

to the body.

You see this,

your words can be used

in an amazingly

powerful way

to bring healing.

Because when you hear

that word

the tree of life,

where does that come from?

Where does it come from?

Not a trick question.

Tree of life,

where was that?

Garden of Eden,

right?

Garden of Eden.

God put

put the tree

of life there

for us to eat

from it

and to be refreshed

in our relationship

with God

and our relationship

with the others

but we chose

not to eat from it.

If you go all the way

through to the end

of the Bible story,

the very last chapter

of the Bible,

do you know what's there?

Last chapter of the Bible

is the tree of life.

And that tree of life

is bearing fruit

and its leaves

are for the healing

of the nations.

What he's saying is

and Proverbs is saying

if you choose

gentleness and grace

instead of anger,

you can be part

of God's restoring process,

his great restoring work

that he's doing

in this world

and you can be

an instrument of healing

in the lives

of other people.

And you know

it all can begin

with your tongue.

It's amazing.

So I want to get

kind of practical

about a couple of things.

Because as we think about

what does it mean

to have gentle words?

What does it mean

to have gracious words?

There's a couple of areas

where I just want to

kind of briefly talk about.

And actually, Fiona,

if you could bring up

two books that I have there.

We have outside

just a few books

that I,

a couple of books

that I want you to,

sorry, just take those.

Thanks.

A couple of books

that I want to recommend.

If you think,

actually I have an issue

with this.

There's two books.

One is called

A War of Words

and another called

is Practicing Affirmation.

They are excellent books.

I encourage you to get them.

There's only about

three or four copies

so rush out and get them

before someone else does.

But I encourage you

to do that.

But here is what I want to,

as you on go

in this conversation

and thinking about it,

but I'm just going to

briefly mention

a couple of things.

God's grace

and healing words

work through affirmation,

encouraging,

building others up,

and through correction

or rebuke.

You notice in Proverbs

it talks about both,

rebuke and affirmation

and grace.

You see,

affirmation

is binding up,

building up,

healing the wounds.

Correction

is like a surgeon's scalpel

which is taking out

some of the rubbish

so that you can be healed,

but both are needed.

And the goal

of both of these

with our tongues

is to help others

to move towards Jesus,

not to try and just

help people to feel

better about themselves,

not just to try and fix

people with their problems.

So here's something

I want us to think about.

Christ-centered affirmation

focuses more on

internal character

than external performance.

So if you wanted

to build somebody up,

you know,

if the only things

you affirm somebody for

are how nice their hair is

or how well they did

on the grades,

if that's the only thing

you affirm them for,

what's the culture

you're sowing?

You're sowing a culture

that sees performance

and appearance

as the most valuable things.

But

if you sow a culture

which focuses on

Christ-like character

and encourages them that,

then that is going to be

the fruit of what

you're going to be

cultivating.

You see,

when my wife

is gracious to me

when I'm being

a complete idiot,

I often say to her,

thank you for being

so gracious to me.

I see God working in you.

And she does the same to me.

And you know,

what's the kind of culture

that you think

if we have that kind

of affirmation

in our relationships,

what culture

will that reproduce?

over time,

it's more likely

to produce

a Christ-honoring,

life-giving,

refreshing one

where we're pursuing

Christ and His grace

together.

That's not a guaranteed

return, okay?

So be careful.

Don't use affirmation

as a manipulation tool

to get what you want.

That's, you know,

that's called flattery.

You know,

don't you say,

okay, thank you

for I just see

God's servant heart

in you and just the way

you serve me is amazing.

And when's dinner ready?

Don't do that.

Don't go there, okay?

That's what you do

to your boss, right?

Because you want

to get promotion, okay?

That's not what

we're talking about.

But if you affirm

God's grace

in someone's life,

where you see,

and you give God

credit for you,

where you see them serving,

where you see them persevering,

where you see them

doing things

which you think

that is honoring to Christ,

point it out to them.

Point it out to them.

That's not puffing people up,

that's encouraging people

to godliness.

And you know,

the danger of affirmation

is we become flatterers

because it actually

becomes all about ourselves

because we were like

someone to say,

oh, you're lovely,

and then someone to say,

oh, you're lovely,

and we're all kind of

lovely together.

Right?

That is not Christ-centeredness.

Christ-centeredness

also means

that while I affirm,

I'm also willing

to correct.

And some of us,

I notice in our relationships,

people you're closest to,

often you're more willing

to correct them,

right,

than to affirm them.

And people who are maybe

in the church

you don't know quite so well,

you're sometimes more willing

to affirm them

a little bit,

sometimes superficially,

but we're not willing

to correct people

so much graciously

because we struggle with that.

But you know,

in relationships

where we're walking

alongside each other,

the people who have loved me

the most

have been those people

who've been willing

to come to me

when I'm being selfish,

when I'm saying things

which are just not great,

when my tone is wrong,

and they come to me

and say things like,

hey, Chris,

I noticed you said that.

I'm not sure,

like,

I'm sure you've got

a reason for it,

but I'd love to hear,

like,

what was going on there.

They're not coming

to attack me,

they're not coming

to try and get their own way,

to just change me.

What they're trying to do

is they're trying

to listen to me,

but help to point me

towards Christ.

And sometimes that's a risk

because sometimes

they risk me being angry

at them.

But they love me enough

not to condemn me

or judge me,

but to help me

move towards Christ.

I wonder,

do you do that

with other people

in grace and kindness?

Because that's where

healing comes,

through affirmation

and through correction.

But here's one of the things

that I've noticed.

One of the things

about when you get married,

or before you get married,

actually,

is we're often very good

at seeing all the great qualities

in our future spouse.

Okay?

You know,

even the negative ones

you tend to gloss over

a little bit.

You know,

they talk a lot,

but hey,

that's cute.

You know,

they're really laid back

or they're more organized

than me,

but hey,

I like that.

And then you get married.

And then,

after a short while,

you begin to start seeing

the whole

more than the doughnuts.

You begin to see

all that's missing

more than what is actually there.

Right?

You know what I mean?

And the tendency

is to see all the faults

and then to try

and correct everything.

Okay?

And what we don't realize,

is that affirmation

and correction,

whether it's in a marriage,

whether it's in a CIG,

actually works like

a bank account.

Every correction

is a withdrawal.

Every affirmation

is a deposit,

but it's not a one-on-one ratio.

Because,

if I say to my wife,

hey,

I really appreciate you

cooking for me tonight,

but don't cook the chicken

like that ever again.

What have they heard?

What do they hear?

They only heard correction.

Right?

It's not one-on-one.

You see,

what we need to do is,

and sometimes we get

into the habit of saying,

yeah, well,

I said something nice to them

and then we said

something harsh to them

and we think,

yeah, but I said it nice

to you yesterday

and we don't realize

if you haven't got

the ratio right,

you'll get into overdraft

in your relationship.

And they say

that three to ten

affirmations

to every correction

is the right ratio

depending on the health

of your relationship.

How you doing?

And the crazy thing is,

if you get that ratio wrong,

your kids

or your spouse

or your CG members

will very soon

tune out to your correction.

You notice that?

You know,

I had a woman

come up to me

after a sermon

I preached a long time ago.

Not here.

So don't start looking around.

See who this is.

And she said to me,

first thing,

she comes straight up to me

and says,

you know your sermon,

you totally misrepresented

that person there.

And I was like,

oh, thank you.

Thank you for the love.

I appreciate that.

But, you know,

I completely ignored

everything,

like legitimate criticism

that she may have had of me

because I just thought

she was negative.

Now,

for someone

I know is for me

and has a track record

of just encouraging me.

They can tell me

pretty much anything

they like

and I'm more likely

to listen to them

because I know

that they're for me.

That's the culture

we need in our marriages,

in our families,

in our church,

in our communities.

We're not afraid

to correct,

but we do it

out of a culture

of affirmation.

But here's

the final thing

I want to talk us about

because I want us

to think about

how our ratio is doing.

If we really believe

the gospel is powerful,

enough to change

our hearts,

to sweeten our tongues,

to win this war of words,

then we need to be

a community

whose affirmations

and corrections

are fueled

by the gospel.

So often

in Christian community

we talk about

things like accountability

and what that means

is checking

whether you produce

the fruit or not.

And basically,

what do we do?

We do things like,

hey, did you shout

at your kids this week?

And you're like,

yes.

And then you're like,

okay,

okay,

have you said sorry?

Yes.

And then it's like,

okay,

let's pray

that you'll be more disciplined

for next week.

And that's it.

That's what we think

accountability is.

That is not gospel accountability.

That's just picking fruit.

That's just doing

fruit level accountability.

But if it goes down

to the root of our hearts,

then what we need

to be doing

is seeing that

Jesus' words

are powerful

to speak right down

to the heart conditions

that we have.

And we need to use

His words

with each other

in community.

We need to rehearse

the cross

with each other daily

so that we're healing

and not wounding.

You see,

Hebrews 3 says,

exhort one another daily

so you'll not be hardened

by sin's deceitfulness.

You know,

when I mess up,

when I fail

in this area

as a broken sinner,

here is something

that I need

to be hearing

for myself.

I need people

to come and speak

these kind of words

into my life.

Chris,

I know you've messed up

but you're God's child,

forgiven

and dearly loved.

You are chosen,

delighted in,

valuable

and accepted

in Jesus.

God is proud

to call you

His son.

Do not look down

or focus on yourself

but look up

into His loving eyes.

Don't hide

in shame

or fear.

Don't let the enemy

accuse you anymore.

You're a warrior

under His command.

Fight with His strength.

You are Chris,

a prince in His army.

You are Chris,

a child of the king.

You are Chris,

a mighty warrior.

Kill those lies.

Rise up in His power.

Rise up

because He goes for you

in victory.

That's what I need

to hear in my heart.

That is where the gospel

is speaking into my life.

And if you and I

are going to be

a community

which is affirming

and correction,

we need to see

the power of the gospel.

Do you see

how much more powerful

that is than saying,

hey,

yeah,

let's pray that you

just hold your tongue

this week.

Seriously,

that's what we need

to be about.

That's the kind of

community Christ

died to be.

That we will know

that we're not going

to justify our words.

We're going to come

in deep level repentance.

That we're going to

gospel each other

regularly

through WhatsApp

in your community group.

And as you do that,

what you'll see

is over time

a culture of refreshment

and of restoration

and of healing

in a world

which is filled

with hurtful words.

So let's,

I just want us

to stop and pray.

I want you to actually,

I believe the Holy Spirit

is actually speaking

to some of you

right now.

And I want you

actually to open up

your hands

to say,

yes,

I'm willing to hear

what you want me to,

you want me to hear

right now.

As you open up

your hands,

I want you to think

about,

how am I doing

with that ratio?

Where is my heart?

Do I need to actually

really repent

rather than just saying

I'm sorry for

fruit level sins?

Do I need to realize

that I've been under

condemnation

and accusation

for a long time?

And I need the gospel

just to be spoken

into my life again.

I want you just

to take this,

this minute

just to actually speak,

engage with Jesus

right now.

Ask for His Spirit

to speak to you.

of the pose.

Another stretch.

Ask for His Spirit

to speak to you.

the child.

I want you to think about,

but

is there one person

who you know that you

have not really affirmed

very much in the gospel?

Maybe you know you've just been filled with correction

towards them.

I want you to think of one person

that this week

you'll maybe write a note to.

You'll maybe send a WhatsApp to.

You'll maybe just verbally say to them.

Whether you'll commit

speaking words of life

to them.

Bring that person to Christ now.

Ask him to give you

just such a knowledge of your grace,

his grace towards you,

that you can extend back to others.

Father, I just...

I realize even in preparing this

that I just

fall far short

of the way that I use my words.

Sometimes I'm too lazy

to affirm people

because

I think they already know.

I said something to them

a few months ago.

I'm too lazy to say to them.

I don't know.

And yet I don't see the power

of your gospel,

the power of life

that you have given me,

stewarded me with my tongue

to be able to bless,

heal,

restore.

Lord,

I pray for us.

Lord, there's some of us

who've been very hurt

by words here.

I pray your healing power

in their lives right now.

I pray that they'd hear

your words of grace to them.

I pray that they'd know

that you are God

who always speaks words

which are called to bring life.

Pray for us who we know

that we have an anger problem.

We know we're critical.

We know we complain.

I pray.

Sweeten our tongues, Lord,

with your word.

Help us to run back to you.

Find forgiveness

and new power to change.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.