Case Study: Dealing with Self-Esteeem and Ego

our way through a series on biblical counseling for everybody.

And so I'll pray for us, and then we can get moving.

So let's pray together.

Lord, we thank You for this time.

We thank You for the opportunity to gather.

And we pray now that You would help us as we look at Your Word

and try to understand more and more how to be people who come alongside one another

to support one another, encourage one another,

help one another step more and more towards maturity in Christ.

So we ask for that help by the Spirit.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

All right, so there's a handout.

Simon's got handouts at the back if you need one.

All right, so we have been working through,

trying to understand more and more some principles,

some practical tips on how to come alongside one another

as Christian friends, counselors,

people who support one another in the walk of faith.

And so our goal in this series is just to grow into that more and more.

So tonight what we're going to do is begin a case study.

We'll do one case study tonight,

and I'll be teaching in this series two or three more times,

and every time I'm going to do a case study.

So a case study of examining a particular issue,

some of the most common issues I'll pick,

and we'll try to look at how might you help somebody else walk through that issue as a Christian.

So some ways to think about it and look at it,

really just applying some of the things Ryan talked about last time.

All right, so let's get into it.

The case study tonight is going to be dealing with the problem of self-esteem and ego,

which is a universal issue according to Genesis 3.

So let's think about that together.

But first let me just remind you of a couple things we've said already

just to kind of reorient into what we're doing here.

We are dealing with something that's very similar to the issue of evangelism,

and that's that a lot of times in church we get the sense that,

we've had the sense maybe in the past that ministers are the primary ones doing the work of ministry,

evangelism, counseling, meeting people's spiritual needs.

And I've got here printed Ephesians 4, 11 to 12,

and it says here that Jesus gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds, and teachers

to equip the saints for the work of ministry.

So here we see very explicit instructions from Paul

that tell us that all the times God gives gifts to people in the church to lead the church,

from the time of the apostles to evangelists to the missionary evangelists like Paul

to the prophets, which is just a preacher really, teachers.

He gives gifts not so that the people with the gifts will do all the ministry,

but so that the people will example the ministry for everybody to do, to equip all the saints.

So if you're a Christian tonight, it's your job, our job together,

to do the work of ministry, to do it all together.

That's what we learn here.

And so Richard Baxter here says, this is his reflection.

This is a 17th century minister.

It was quite famous at the time, English minister.

He says,

Counseling is for resolving our doubts,

helping against our sins,

helping fight our sins,

for direction in our duties,

and for an increase of knowledge of saving grace.

So he's saying that we're all meant to come alongside one of each other for at least those purposes.

And that's a calling that's universal,

that comes across the whole church.

And so we said in week one that there is a gap in our lives.

For all of us, we all feel this gap between who we are right now,

the negative emotions you experience,

the ways that you struggle with pride or a sin pattern that you know in your life right now,

in the person you will one day be in Jesus Christ.

So one day,

every single issue that you struggle with that is sucking away your joy,

will be gone.

One day.

So there's a gap.

When Christ comes to get you,

he will renew you so fully,

that you will be so full of joy,

that you will only have faint memories of the problems you used to face.

Now what counseling is there for,

is to help us in the path of sanctification.

What we're trying to do is to close that gap as much as we can in this life, right?

That's sanctification.

Moving from being called justification to the moment of glorification,

where we will become fully like Jesus.

We want to close that gap as much as we can.

Not simply to make progress,

not simply to check that off our to-do list,

not out of performance,

but because actually you can have joy.

You can have real joy the more you grow.

And so we're trying to help each other grow.

That's really all we're talking about in this series.

And so Hebrews 3.13 gives you a really explicit command about that.

So if we want to ask, where do we get this from in the Bible?

Hebrews 3.13, which is, Hebrews is a sermon, right?

And the preacher says to the church in Hebrews 3,

exhort one another every day as long as it is called today.

In other words, he's saying,

while you have today, exhort one another.

Now, exhort sounds like a negative word,

but it's the Greek word parakaleo.

And the Greek word parakaleo simply means

one who comes alongside somebody else and walks with them.

So the paraclete in the New Testament is who?

The Holy Spirit.

Yeah, so exactly.

We're being told in a way that's similar to the way God comes,

the Spirit ministers to us,

that we are charged to come alongside other people

and minister to them.

And so we're just calling that counseling.

Parakaleo, one another.

Come alongside one another.

That's it.

And so we want to universalize this.

We want everybody in our church to have a dear Christian friend

that they are walking alongside in their life,

that's talking with them about their issues,

that you're able to confess your sins to one another,

you're able to grow together in the same direction.

That's all this really means.

So let's think about this case study.

How can you help somebody?

And, of course, ourselves.

This applies to all of us,

but we're trying to think how we can help other people

with the issue of esteem, self-esteem and ego.

So the first, I've just listed some things to pay attention to here.

There's eight.

The first couple are prerequisites.

First couple things are,

before we deal and help other people in our lives,

we need to be in a path where we are focusing on our own devotional life.

That's really all.

So number one,

we must be actively addressing our own negative emotions

and devotion before God in order to help other people.

So all I mean by that is

not,

are you extremely spiritually mature

and therefore ready to walk alongside somebody else in the Christian life?

That's not the question here at all or the idea here at all.

Instead,

are you limping with the Lord

in a forward-facing direction?

Limping, struggling forward.

That's really the idea.

So do you have a fight in you for a devotional life?

Do you have a fight in you to know yourself enough to say,

these are my idols?

Do you have enough fight right now in your heart to say,

I'm able to look at myself and recognize the hidden sins?

So, and I want that.

That's all we're talking about.

A real life,

not of total victory,

because that's glorification,

but a life where you are intentionally seeking sanctification.

So that's where we've got to be.

That's a prereq for being able to help other people.

So as long as we can sit alongside somebody else

who's walking the path of the Christian life,

but maybe struggling and say,

me too.

This is how I've been fighting that.

This is how I've been dealing with that.

That's really what we're talking about here.

Now secondly,

remember the principles of

parakaleo,

of coming alongside one another.

Number two.

Now I'm not going to go through these

because this is what we did

the first couple meetups for this series.

But I'll just list them.

Number one,

come and meet with Christian friends,

quick to listen,

active listening,

ready to hear.

Number two,

pray for compassion and understanding

prior to meeting with them.

Be very intentional about that.

Number three,

meet them where they are.

So don't be surprised by their lack of growth.

You know,

so if somebody confesses something to you

and you immediately,

it's like,

goodness gracious,

you know,

that doesn't,

they don't want to meet with you anymore.

Okay.

They're,

they feel like they've,

they've been the object of your gaze.

They want somebody who can say,

I want to help.

I want to walk alongside you in this.

Number four,

remember the goal.

The goal is encouragement,

building up.

The goal is to help them take a step.

Your dear friend,

to take a step towards Christ.

Trust,

however that might look.

Number five,

be ready to carry their burden with them.

To say,

you know,

I'll,

I'll stick with you in this as long as it takes,

as long as you want me to.

Number six,

be trustworthy.

It's between you and them.

It's,

it's just you guys.

Only expand that circle if they're,

if they want you to,

if you ask permission.

And then number seven,

remember that all scripture is useful.

So we've got to have some ability.

So this is where the counseling comes in.

This is where the parakaleoing really becomes effective.

It's an ability to take the Bible

and to take God's word

and apply it to people's lives.

So some ability,

not,

not like you've been to seminary,

nothing like that,

not at all,

but simply,

and sometimes you go to seminary

and you,

you walk away

and you're not as good as you were before.

Maybe,

but an ability,

a heartfelt ability to take a text

and to help somebody else feel,

feel the power of that text for them.

So that's,

that's what we mean by case study.

Okay.

So let's talk about the problem

for 15 minutes of esteem and ego.

What is that problem?

So we're listening to a dear friend.

We're looking at our own hearts.

We're recognizing a problem

with what is called self-esteem.

Okay.

Let me try,

let's see if anybody's willing.

What do you,

what do we mean by,

what do you think of?

I should ask,

let me ask it this way.

What do you think of

when I mentioned the problem

of esteem and ego?

Any synonyms,

any just single word answers

or a full sentence,

either way,

but any thoughts?

Pride,

yeah.

So pride or despair.

Yeah.

Pride and despair.

Yeah.

I think that's,

that's insightful.

Come back around to that.

Yep.

You can have low self-esteem

and feel so inferior

that it becomes

an inferiority complex,

which is a reverse type

of pride,

right?

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

Really good,

thoughtful answers there.

So all we mean by this

is the problem of esteem.

What is esteem?

Esteem is estimation,

right?

There's a family of words there,

and it means the,

the,

the inward look at yourself

to ask the question,

do I have value?

So when you esteem yourself,

the most basic sense of that word

etymologically is,

am I valuable?

Do I have value?

And you can have high self-esteem,

right?

Which is very obvious,

big,

boastful pride,

right?

So we,

we know somebody,

we know if we're listening

carefully to a friend,

if we're walking

alongside them,

we can usually recognize

pretty obviously

if they struggle

with boasting.

That's a sure sign

of a,

of a high self-esteem issue.

Another sign would be

constantly turning

conversations

back to themselves.

Another sign would be

one-upmanship,

right?

So a constant need

to tell a better story

than the story

you just told.

And we can think

of hundreds of more ways

where high self-esteem,

arrogant self-esteem,

a high regard of self

comes out very clearly

and very explicitly.

And then,

like Jean mentioned,

you can have a very low

view of self.

So,

some,

some folks really struggle

with self-loathing

and self-hatred

and they're asking

the question,

am I worth anything?

Am I valuable?

And so we're always running,

every single person,

so the reason I chose this

is because there's nobody

that's not running

this rat race,

alright?

There's nobody

that's not on this hamster wheel.

It's just where are you

with it?

That's all.

So there's a sense

in which we never graduate

from being

psychological S1s.

It's a psychological S1.

It's where you walk

into every room

and you think,

what does everybody

in this room

think about me?

Right?

That's the psychology

of an S1.

And,

and that's,

that's true of all of us

in a sense.

So that happens at work,

that happens in the local church,

that happens.

And you better believe

that ministers are incredibly prone.

Better believe that,

that they're in the hamster race

and the rat race,

hamster wheel and rat race

every week of,

I'm only as valuable

as the sermon was

last weekend.

Right?

That's something

that has to be mortified

constantly

in a minister's life.

And so we're all living

in this issue

of ego and esteem.

So it's a really common problem.

I'll give you a couple more examples.

If you're a parent at all,

or if you've worked

with kids and teens,

you see it.

Kids and teens wear this

much more outwardly

and explicitly.

But,

the need to perform

is a need that we never graduate from.

And so,

all of us could probably

tell stories

of our own personal struggles

with this in the workplace,

in the university,

in family.

It happens all the time

in family.

Even people vying for love

between parents

or spouse or sibling.

So we're always running this.

Okay, let me ask you.

Where might you take somebody

to help them deal with this?

Number four says here,

talk briefly maybe

about your own struggles

in ego

and low self-esteem

or high self-esteem,

but then let me jump

to number five.

This is where counseling

starts to really happen.

And that's when you can

effectively,

meaningfully,

sincerely

use what God says

to help somebody's life,

to help their heart

and soul.

Alright, so,

let me ask a question again.

Any passages,

any stories,

anything that comes

to your mind,

okay if not,

but I think there's

more than one answer

to this,

to dealing with the problem

of self-esteem

and pride,

low self-esteem,

high self-esteem,

really there's

the same types

of solutions

that we need?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so,

you know,

you can think of

the steadfast love

of the Lord

in some of the Psalms.

He is my refuge,

my strength,

my ever-present shield,

Psalm 3,

a shield all around me,

no matter what

anybody thinks about me.

Yeah.

So,

we walk in every room

and we think,

at the bottom of our souls,

what does everybody

in this room

think about me?

What other passages

might help us

deal with that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that's good.

Yeah,

Christ's recovery

of Peter's heart

after such shame.

Peter went back

to fishing,

right,

because that was

his original day job

before Jesus

has called him

because he thought,

I'm out,

I'm out.

You know,

I denied Christ,

I'm on the outside

looking in,

he will never love me again

and yet he comes to him

and says,

get out of the boat,

come to the shore,

let's have breakfast together,

right,

that's good.

That's a nice narratival

story of what Christ

has done

that could be used.

Let me point you

to one tonight

that I think

is really helpful

and I've used this

in prayer quite often.

I've used this

on my heart.

This has been a passage

that I've come back

to constantly

to deal with

the issues of ego

and it is

in 1 Corinthians 4.

So,

if you were to read

the full section,

you would go

from probably

1 Corinthians

midway through

chapter 3

through chapter 4

with somebody

but let me just

point you to

1 Corinthians 4

and I'll just read

a couple verses

for us

just from

verse 2

for a few

verses.

Paul says,

moreover,

it's required

of stewards

that they be found

faithful.

He's talking about

pastors,

ministers there.

But with me,

it is a very small thing.

It's a very small thing.

I've learned,

he's telling us,

to make this a small thing

in my life.

That I should be judged

by you

or by any

human court.

In fact,

I do not even judge myself.

I'm not currently aware

of anything against myself

but I am not thereby

acquitted.

It is the Lord

who judges me.

Okay,

in this passage,

Paul is

dealing with an issue

in the Corinthian church

that he had planted

where

Apollos

and Peter

had come through later

and everybody's been

saying in Corinth,

Peter's better than Paul,

Apollos is better

than Peter

and Paul.

Apollos was such

a better preacher

than Paul ever was

and

then they're saying,

then others are saying,

Apollos discipled me

so I rank

before you

because Paul,

you know,

wasn't as good

of a public speaker

as Apollos was

and so there's all

these sorts of issues

going on like that.

So everybody's playing

the comparison game.

Everybody is

and Paul is writing

to deal with that problem

and Paul,

like he does

in other places,

is saying,

I have learned

in my time

with the Lord,

my devotional life,

a secret,

a secret of contentment

and the secret

of contentment

is this,

I do not care

what you say

about me

and I don't care

and then he shocks

because you see

that's exactly

what the modern world

says as well.

So a person

might be getting

counsel

to struggle,

they're struggling

so much with feeling

that they have no value

because they're worried

about what everybody

else is saying

about them

and they're asking

why is this,

why don't I have

a relationship

that I want,

why don't I have

the job success

and career that I want,

why don't I have

this or that,

right,

everybody's asking

questions like that,

we all are

and Paul comes

and says

what modern

counselors will say,

you don't need

to care about

other people's opinions

but then the modern

counselor often

will turn and say

all you need

to care about

is what?

your own opinion

of yourself,

you need to look

inside and you need

to think,

look,

I'm happy with who

I am,

I've got the resources

within me

to find contentment

and that's the shock

of this passage

for a modern reader

is Paul comes

and says,

I don't even care

what I think

about me

so I do not

trust my opinion

of myself,

right,

and it's real key

to contentment

and joy in your life

to not trust your opinion

about yourself

and he's saying

I don't trust my opinion,

I don't trust your opinion

Corinthian church

and I don't trust

the opinion I have

about me

and he uses the language

of judge,

why?

Because he's taking it

into the courtroom

and he's saying

you have stuck me

in the dock

and you've put yourself

on the bench

and said Paul

was not as good

of a speaker

as Apollos

and Paul,

you know,

therefore Paul

just didn't really

leave the legacy

around here

that people came

after him too

and he's saying

I won't sit

underneath that judgment

I won't let my heart

sit underneath that

and I won't let my heart

sit underneath

my own judgments

about myself

and then he gives

a solution

so for the person

that you're walking

alongside

and for all of us

tonight

we need to hear

probably to some degree

every single day

the pronouncement

all that matters

is what God

says about me

he's the only judge

that really matters

he's the only one

that has the right

to look at me

from the bench

and put me in the dock

and if you read

the rest of this passage

what you realize

is what

Paul goes on

to talk about

what God does say

in an implicit way

so what God says

about you

is that

when you look at Christ

you can say

he regards me

as a prince

and a princess

he regards me

as a son

and a daughter

he regards me

as the one

that no matter

what I do

no matter what

he will still

get down on his knee

accept my teary

head into his shoulder

and give me a hug

and bring me home again

he's a tender father

that's what he's saying

okay so what does

a person need

who's either struggling

with deep self-loathing

deep self-loathing

or big arrogant pride

they both need

the same thing

they need to be told

see both

both are pride issues

because both people

are thinking

all I care about

is what everybody

else thinks about me

or all I care about

is what I think about me

and how I feel

both are pride issues

and they can either

lead to total self-hatred

or total self-love

big self-love

right

and competition

it's all competition

and both persons

need to hear the same thing

they need to hear

all that matters

is what the Lord

says about you

and when you hear that

it will really humble

the prideful person

because if they're being honest

what the Lord says about you

is you're a big sinner

in need of a big savior

and you're not great

apart from the redemptive

work of Jesus Christ

and for the self-loathing person

they need to hear

do you know what the Lord

says about you

do you know how much

the Lord loves you

do you know how much

he's promised

he will never let you go

you know that he regards you

as a prince and princess

in his kingdom

that he wants to give you

the inheritance

that he's giving

Jesus Christ himself

right

alright so what

what do you do with that

as a counselor

then you take that

and you try to massage

that into their hearts

not because you're trying

to be manipulative

but because it's true

and number six here

is prescribe

some spiritual exercises

now what do I mean by this

okay just like

you've got to work out

you know if you want to

get stronger

you've got to have

resistance in your life

you've got to exercise

something like that

in the same way

our souls

much more importantly

have to have exercise

physical training

Paul says is of some value

but he's trying to point

to the more important thing

and that's spiritual training

so there does have to be

spiritual training

in our lives

so one of the pieces

that may be missing

in point one

and then here

in our lives

in my life

in your life

right now

is I'm not taking

seriously enough

the discipline

of spiritual exercise

and they need

spiritual exercise too

so what does that look like

it can look like

a number of different things

we could talk about

the normal means of grace

so one of the questions

I want to ask a person

who's really struggling

with their heart

with too much pride

or too low of a view

of the self

is I want to say

are you going to church

do you just

you know

you might struggle

and not want to

but you need to be there

you need to get out of bed

you need to go to church

especially the person

that's self-loathing

I want to just

connect them

and ask

are you in the normal

means of corporate grace

the corporate means of grace

that God's given us

but then I want to turn

and talk about their private lives

and help them

and say

and say it through the lens of

this is what has helped me

this is what

this is how I've thought about this

this is what has really been

helpful to my life

and my heart

and the most important thing

I think

I can say

quickly

is this

they really need

to learn

or be helped

with the idea

of Christian meditation

so what is Christian meditation

Christian meditation

is not vacating

the mind

of content

like in Buddhist meditation

or something like that

not at all

Christian meditation

we see all across the Psalms

and that's the daily

consistent pattern

of talking to yourself

about what God says

so David does this

all the time

in the Psalms

he says

bless the Lord

oh my soul

right

who's he talking to

in that Psalm

he's talking to himself

he's saying

David

you bless the Lord

oh my soul

soul

you've got to

you've got to get yourself

in gear

and start blessing the Lord

praising God

right

he's actually talking to himself

and then he's letting that

roll into prayer

so one of the things

I would really

say to a person

that's struggling

with big pride

or self-loathing

and we've gotten to have

an honest conversation

about that

and I've said

you know

1 Corinthians 4

all that matters

is what God says

I would say

why don't you

every single day

for the next seven days

every morning

read that passage

1 Corinthians 4

1 to 4

and then just sit there

in ten minutes

with your eyes closed

and let it soak over you

this morning

as I go to work

as I go to perform

at my job

as I go to perform

in public spaces

all that matters

is what the Lord

says about me

all that matters

is what the Lord

says about me

look to Christ

let that soak in

over and over

and then

after five or so minutes

of just reflection

on that

let it roll into prayer

Lord work this

into my soul

change me

change me

plead with the Lord

and then

that would be one

there's other

spiritual practices

and exercises

that they could have

and they may need

but for the lack of time

I'll move on

and then from there

what you do

as a dear Christian friend

a good Christian friend

is you make a plan

to meet again

and to address

this issue

in a week

and let's say

let's meet back up

I want to ask you

how that went

I want to ask you

if you feel like

there's been change

I want to ask you

what the condition

of your soul

is seven days from now

in regard to this

you could also ask

questions like

what other passages

could we look at

together next time

say do that for seven days

and then next time

why don't we look

together

at this specific psalm

just read it together

and pray it together

next time

you could ask

from there

what book

could we read

what book of the bible

what book

so in this instance

I would highly recommend

short books are wonderful

for helping people

I would say

I would love to read

Tim Keller's

The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness

with you

can we do

I'll buy it

I'll bring it to you next time

do this for seven days

let me bring this book

to you next time

and let's walk through it together

and then lastly

we said this

a few weeks back

but make sure that

you never leave

a meeting like this

a meeting

walking with somebody

without praying

so pray for them

encourage them

and then I've just listed

finally at the very end

use calls

and text messages

so the

the unfortunate thing

about the modern world

we live in

is that we can all

be reached all the time

yeah

and

the beautiful thing

is that

it's so quick

and easy

to reach somebody

and so it's

it's a tough call

on that

but

use

text messages

for ministry

use calls

for ministry

it's

you don't

you don't have to be

getting together

as often

maybe

if you're just

checking in

and saying

hey

I just prayed

for you

did you read

1 Corinthians 4

this morning

1 to 4

and meditate on it

I thought about it

I read it

I thought about it

I'm praying it

for you today

get back in

if you haven't done it

get back in

right

so this is

this is using

the tools we have

in modern technology

to really work truth

into somebody's life

okay

let me give you

a challenge

as we close

the challenge

is just

I'm saying this to me

I'm saying this to all of us

when we're talking about this

and doing a series like this

we go back to

Ephesians 4

and we learn

all of us are called

all of us are called

to the ministry

of exhortation

and that's all

we've been describing

is the ministry

of exhortation

parakalea

coming alongside

so wherever you are

right now

the challenge is

we should all

in the light of that

be receiving

Paul's call

God's call

in our lives

right now

to take a next step

in that ministry

so maybe the next step

towards a more meaningful

ministry

of parakalea

coming alongside somebody

is just to say

you know what

tonight I realize

I've got to get

my devotional life

under grips

not because that

saves me

no it does not

but because

I need the Lord

the Spirit

to be dealing

with my heart

in order that I can

help other people

deal with their hearts

so tonight

it may just simply be

that the next step

of being a counselor

is to actually

let the Holy Spirit

be counseling you

in morning devotion

that might be

all that you take away

and so

the issue here

is not

who in the room

has 100% devotional

life every single

day perfectly

nobody does

right

nobody

are you just

simply taking

limping steps

forward

that's all we're

talking about

in growth

in this area

and then

if you feel like

you are in a place

right now

where God is

working in your life

he's dealing

with your emotions

he's helping you

see idols

fighting negative

emotions that are

coming up

and it's a struggle

but at least

you're in the struggle

you're in the fight

then the next step

could be

who has God

very naturally

put in my life

right now

ideally in St. Columbus

but maybe externally

that's great too

to say

could we have

a more meaningful

regular meet up

together

once a month

twice a month

and answer

a few questions

how have you

been

in your

spiritual life

your soul

have you been

meeting with God

in the early mornings

whatever the question

lists need to be

depending on your

circumstances

taking a step

of saying

could we meet

regularly

and talk about this

we all need that

so it goes both ways

when we do things

when we take that step

alright

let's pray

Father

we ask

that you would help us

by the spirit

to desire

more and more

of you

that we would want

more and more of you

in our lives

that we would want

to be with you

Lord

so maybe

Father

that's the prayer

we ask tonight

that you would help us

to want

to be with you

and therefore

to become more

like you

and then to

externalize that

to help other people

be with you

and become more

like you

and so that's really

our request tonight

so I pray that you

would work in our

hearts with the

problem

of esteem

and ego

whether it's

very high

in our lives

right now

very low

bring it

to whatever

it looks like

to be Christ-like

we ask

we pray this

in Jesus name

Amen

Amen

Amen