How To Leave a Church Well

Well, today I'm fulfilling a promise that I have publicly mentioned countless times

for probably 10 years now.

Almost every time I've preached a message in any way related to the church, I have threatened

to one day preach a sermon about how to leave a church well.

And today is that day.

Why now, you ask?

Let me give you four reasons why I'm choosing to preach this message this morning.

First of all, there's a very practical reason.

We've come to a place in our series in the book of John where it just makes sense for

me to hit the pause button and you'll find out why in the coming weeks.

Second, I'm convinced that how to leave a church well is a vastly overlooked and neglected

subject matter, primarily because most churches and most pastors don't want to deal with the

messiness of it.

But if unity in the church matters to Jesus, and trust me, it does, then we should be willing

to take this topic on.

When to leave a church, why that decision might be right or wrong, and if you decide

to leave a church, how to do it in a way that pleases the Lord.

Third reason, the spirit and the culture of the American church right now.

Because of recent events in our world, more and more churchgoers are feeling unsettled

and shifty.

And far too many are jumping around right now searching for all the wrong things for

all the wrong reasons.

So I think this type of teaching is timely.

And then fourth, the Oak Hill Elder Team believes that this message can help in our membership

process moving forward.

The plan is, hopefully, is to have anyone considering making Oak Hill their home in

the future, have them listen to this message before committing to membership.

And the idea being this, that we want to shepherd you folks well into the body, we want to shepherd

you well while you're here, and if the day does come that you need to leave Oak at some

point, we want to make sure that we help you do that well too.

And listen, it's important that we work hard at maintaining unity, not just here in our

body, but among all of the churches in the Santa Clarita Valley and beyond.

And let's be honest, for those of you in your 20s and 30s right now, you're likely going

to be a part of, I don't know, three, four, five more churches in your lifetime.

So if we're all going to have to leave churches at some point in the future, why not learn

how to do it well now in a way that glorifies Jesus?

So it's my hope and prayer that today's message and the conversations that will surely come

out of it will have a long-lasting impact on your spiritual walk and on your conduct

as good citizens of the kingdom of God.

So let's grab our Bibles.

I want to turn to Ephesians chapter 3.

Ephesians 3 · chapter mention

Ephesians 3, before we get into the really practical instructions, what I want to do

is lay a biblical foundation for God's passionate desire for unity in His body.

So Ephesians 3, look at the final two verses, verses 20 and 21.

Now here's the context.

Paul has just spent the first three chapters in Ephesians arguing that God's eternal purpose

is to sum up all things in Christ.

And in the process of doing that, he has talked about some of the highest and loftiest concepts

in the entire Bible, things like predestination and election and adoption and redemption,

the work of the Holy Spirit in the new birth.

And he has talked about this thing called the mystery of the gospel, which is this,

how God has brought together two formerly hostile groups, Jews and Gentiles, and made

them into one body, this thing we call the church.

And toward the end of chapter 3 here, Paul prays that the believers in Ephesus would

be rooted and grounded in love so that they might comprehend with all of the saints across

the entire world just how infinite the love of Christ is.

And then he sits back and he reflects on those glorious truths.

And it causes him to break out into a doxology of praise.

Verse 20 says, Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask

or think according to the power that works within us, to him be the glory in the church

and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.

Amen.

Wow.

What a beautiful doxology that is.

Now the subject of God's glory, it's a massive one.

We could do a whole series on it.

But notice in this passage how Paul points to the glory of God where?

In the church.

He says to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus.

So a huge aspect of God's glory is what he's done in gathering his elect into the one true

church.

And by that I mean the one true people of God from all ages made up of people from every

nation, race, tribe and tongue.

That was God's sovereign plan established before the foundations of the world were even

laid.

To be glorified in this gathering of his people into one body through the person and work

of God the Son.

So the church is, listen to this, the church is God's masterpiece of grace.

It's designed to extend as we see here in verse 21 to all generations.

Catch that.

Forever and ever.

So the redeemed of God will be praising him and glorifying him for all of eternity because

of what he's done in gathering us into his church.

Friends this is really big stuff.

The church is such a lofty concept and that means you and I are part of something so much

bigger than ourselves.

But sadly, here's the point, sadly the average church goer today doesn't understand these

things.

Most people view the church in a very casual, very practical way.

They see it through a consumeristic me centered lens.

They think what works for me?

What am I going to get out of it?

What do I like or dislike about the church?

How am I being served?

Do I connect with these people or not?

Is my church being run to meet my specific needs?

And for the past 40 or 50 years that has been the constant emphasis in the American evangelical

church and so now those ideas are deeply deeply rooted in so many of us.

So why are we surprised by conflict among believers?

If everyone in a group is focused on their own needs and their own wants and their own

feelings about everything, there's little hope for unity.

Is it any wonder that so many of us have experienced church splits today?

Any wonder why people are hopping around from church to church or deciding you know what

I'll just stay home and watch online?

Because then I don't have to actually commit to anything or anyone or put myself out for

others.

Is it any wonder why the witness of the church in America today has grown so feeble?

And important for today's message is it any wonder why when Christians decide to leave

a local church that most don't feel the least bit concerned about how they do it?

Okay, so at the end of chapter 3 Paul has laid out the vision of God's glory in the

church.

The question now is this, how then should we live life in the church?

How are we supposed to live life together in the church?

Turn the page over to Ephesians 4 now.

Look at Ephesians 4.

Paul says, Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy,

worthy of the calling with which you've been called.

That calling that Paul speaks of here is the effectual calling of God in our lives, that

process where he sovereignly drew us to himself, where he caused the scales to fall off of

our eyes so that we're able to see for the first time and believe, whereby his mercy

he made us alive in Christ and granted us eternal life.

That is a big deal.

So in light of all that undeserved work that God has done in our lives, Paul now says,

walk in a manner worthy of that.

Conduct yourselves, especially in the church, in a way that lines up with the glorious height

of what God has done for you in Christ.

And how do we define that type of conduct?

Well, we have a clear description in verses two and three, with all humility and gentleness,

with patience, showing tolerance for one another and love, being diligent to preserve the unity

of the spirit in the bond of peace.

Guys, those are relational terms, aren't they?

To walk in a manner worthy of God saving work in your life requires you and I to grow in

relationship with others in the body.

And it requires putting on certain character traits that seek to preserve unity as of the

most important things we can do.

In fact, verse three says we're to be diligent about this, be diligent to preserve the unity

of the spirit in the bond of peace.

Here's what that means.

Listen now, that means that unity is not going to be easy and it's not going to happen automatically.

We have to be diligent about it, meaning most of the time it's going to take some work.

It will take a deliberate choice on each of our parts to obey God by submitting to one

another for the sake of unity and peace.

And to do that well, we have to put on the four character traits that Paul lists there

in verse two.

He says preserving unity requires all humility, all humility, it says.

That means we can't be half-hearted about humility.

We is first and foremost a posture of the heart.

It's expressed on the outside, but it's rooted deep within us or not.

It's literally a lowliness of mind.

It's not thinking more of yourself than you ought to, not making your needs and your wants

and your feelings the end all.

In Philippians two, Paul uses Jesus as our example saying to do nothing out of self-centeredness

but to regard everyone else as more important than yourself.

That is a difficult thing to do, but that is the example we're to follow, to regard

everyone else as more important than ourselves.

Imagine how powerful a church would be if every single member was seeking to live out

that command at the same time.

In addition to all humility, he says we also need all gentleness, meaning mildness of disposition.

This is a person who doesn't get bent out of shape easily, doesn't get upset or grumbling

when things don't go their way.

A gentle person doesn't start fires.

That's so important.

And when a fire does break out, they seek to put water on it, not gasoline.

A gentle person doesn't seek to retaliate when wronged, but seeks reconciliation and

peace and is quick to forgive.

So wow, that's all humility, all gentleness.

And then the third trait here is patience.

A Christian who is patient always plays the long game.

As they operate within the church, they focus on the big picture, not every little bump

in the road and every bruise they have to endure.

And therefore he or she walks with Jesus in a way that is steady and stable, not overly

emotional and not prone to high highs or low lows.

They're also patient, it says, with others in the body, always striving to think the

best of their fellow church members and giving the Spirit time and room to mature them without

making snap judgments and then sticking those judgments on people for the rest of your life.

They're patient.

And then fourth and finally, we need to be a people who, it says, tolerate one another

in love.

And this one is hugely important for the church today.

Now that word tolerate has a bad connotation in our day.

Don't be confused.

He's not ordering us to tolerate sin in the body because tolerating sin is not love.

What he means here is that we need to bear with people who are different from us.

Remember, the church is beautiful in both its unity and in its diversity.

And in any church family you'll ever be a part of, there's going to be diversity.

What do I mean by that?

Well, people with different backgrounds, different church backgrounds, different traditions,

different personalities, different preferences, preferences, there will always be people who

seem quirky in your eyes.

Okay.

Or just plain difficult to connect with.

The question is, can you still bear with them?

And listen, I have news for you.

You are quirky too.

So am I.

And you want people to bear with you, right?

And not just bear with them as in grit my teeth and just put up with these people.

But as Paul says, tolerate them in love.

What does that mean?

Well, that means as much as I might struggle to connect with a particular person, if I

love them, I'm still going to seek their highest good and not my own.

And it means I want, I'm not just going to write them off or, or even be indifferent

toward them either.

If I love them, I'll be active in serving them despite my personal feelings.

Again, considering others more important than myself.

Friends, I know these things aren't easy, but be aware of this truth.

The beauty of the church on the earth and the power of our witness to the unbelieving

world is most clearly shown when we live out this call to unity.

And as an ambassador for Christ, you're commanded to do your part towards establishing that

type of unity and community here at Oak Hill.

And likewise, you're commanded not to be a person who divides the body or disrupts the

unity that God is so passionate about establishing here.

Now let's keep going.

Look at verse four in the passage.

There is one body and one spirit just as also you were called in one hope of your calling

one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and father of all who was overall and through

all and in all.

Now I almost spent a lot of time on these three verses because the meaning is so obvious.

Eight uses of the word one and four uses of the word all.

So how can we possibly miss what's being communicated here?

There's one body of Christ and we're all parts of that body.

There's one kingdom of God and we are all fellow citizens of that one kingdom.

There is one household of God and we are all family members.

There's one bride of Christ and we are all united to our heavenly groom.

There's only one hope spending eternity and fellowship with Christ.

There is only one Lord and Savior.

There's only one faith and one baptism.

There's only one father who is sovereign overall through all and in all things.

So one, one, one, one, one, one and all, all, all, all.

Guys we are members of one another in Christ.

We are inseparable brothers and sisters in the truest sense linked together for all eternity.

We've got to keep that in mind as we talk about life in the church and the possibility

of having to leave a church that we are linked together for all eternity.

So that's high level stuff.

Big time theological stuff.

Let's now bring it down to the application level.

How does this inform our actions when we consider leaving a church?

Well here's the first thing to say.

Being a part of a church has never been easy.

It's never been comfortable.

And that's due to who's involved in a church.

It is a bunch of sinners saved by grace on a journey in sanctification but still wrestling

with the flesh and not always walking by the Spirit.

And that is, if you step back, that is a recipe for conflict.

Now the modern American church was already struggling with unity when the events of the

past few years came along and really destabilized things.

And what do I mean by that?

Well, we have the Trump presidency.

We have the rise of Black Lives Matter and the summer riots.

We have the fear of COVID-19 and the lockdowns, the 2020 election and the sharp polarization

of our political landscape.

And sadly, those things had a massive impact on the church.

And I say sadly because if we as the church had been walking in a manner worthy of our

calling we wouldn't have been as shaken as we have been by these things.

But the American church was already weak.

Already weak.

So when all this hardship came our way, guess what?

We discovered gaping holes in our unity.

And suddenly our worldview, which is supposed to be guided by scripture alone, was being

guided by a whole list of other things.

We saw Christians begin to turn against each other over politics.

Believers began looking with suspicion at other believers of a different race.

Unbiblical fears seeped into the church.

Christ followers began putting their opinions and their preferences on the same level of

scripture and then condemning each other.

Really, really shameful stuff for a people who ought to know better.

And these things put many Christians on the move.

Many Christians began gravitating towards new church homes, not based on biblical principles,

but to places where their preferences and their politics would be affirmed.

And it's caused a lot of painful departures from local churches, most of which were not

handled well and certainly didn't promote unity.

And it's caused a lot of discouragement among those trying to stay faithful.

It's caused a great deal of frustration and hurt among those who are called to be shepherds.

Now here at Oak Hill, we've been affected too.

We've seen more departures in the past few years than in most previous years.

And by the way, some of those are what I call good leaves.

They were good, meaning people and family who departed from Oak Hill for good reasons

and did it in the right way with joyful tears and prayers and blessings.

But we've also had some not so good leaves and that's been hard on us.

So let's take some time here to go over the right reasons and the right way to think about

this important topic.

What I'm going to do is I like to follow the lead of a wonderful preacher by the name of

H.B.

Thomas, who recently put together a list of reasons to leave a church and he did it in

the form of a traffic stop light, meaning red lights don't leave, green lights you're

free to leave, and yellow lights you may leave but proceed really slowly.

Now I'm not going to replicate his list, but I hope that image will help us sort of work

through some of these important categories.

So here we go.

Let's start with the red lights, the ones that says no, do not leave.

Let me give you some red lights.

Number one, personal offenses.

That is not a reason to leave a church.

Friends, being offended is inevitable in any church, so don't be surprised when it happens.

Be ready to respond biblically, not in the flesh.

And just moving to another church is not going to solve the problem because going to a new

church will put you into contact with a new group of people who will also inevitably offend

you in some way.

So I want to encourage you to do the hard thing and work through personal offenses in

the church when they come up.

Don't just run away.

That's number one.

Personal offenses, that's a red light.

Number two, disagreements over preferences or disagreements over non-essential issues.

Now it's true that biblical convictions, they do matter, they're very good, but we're not

to die on every single hill.

Consider any disagreement with appropriate seriousness, but don't go silent, don't brood

over it.

Meet with an elder to discuss the issue and to get clarification.

Here's the thing, at the end of the day, it's not helpful to make molehills into mountains

and then break fellowship over things that we can just disagree about in brotherly love

and say, well, that's your preference, this is mine, and we can continue to live together

in good fellowship.

So that's a red light or a red light as well.

Don't leave just because there are differences in preferences or non-essential issues.

Here's a third one.

Well, I heard about a church that I might like better.

No, that's a red light.

This feeling often comes because we live in such a restless culture right now.

We struggle to be content and to be thankful for just a simple, steady, faithful Christian

church.

Instead, what we want is whatever is trending, whatever is new and shiny.

There's a preacher on the other side of town, you know, he's got a cool beard and he wears

torn jeans.

He has better illustrations than Jeff.

Or it's a look, they've got a building.

It's a nice, comfortable building.

It's bigger.

The band is a little bit better, a little bit more upbeat music, whatever, right?

More people in my age range or life stage, so maybe that's a better fit for me.

Or there's a small group designed for my particular need.

But we shouldn't be wooed away from our current family with whom we have roots and relationship

by those types of things.

And you know what?

If you feel like there's something really valuable going on at another church that should

be happening here, then be a part of the solution.

Jump in and work with the elders to see if it might work here at Oak Hill.

By the way, just don't ask me to grow a cool beard.

I can't do it.

But that's a red light.

Well, I just heard about some really cool church somewhere else.

Here's a fourth one.

Well, I can't serve the way I want to serve.

And this one usually, you know, you file this under spiritual, you know, people say, well,

you know, I've got certain spiritual gifts, so if I can't use them here, then I've got

to go.

But more often than not, it's really not an issue of giftedness, it's an issue of pride.

This happens when folks demand that leadership recognize what they think is their gift and

then demand that they be allowed to serve in that particular way.

It becomes an ego thing.

And the time may come when that gift can be put into practice, but in the meantime, you've

got to trust leadership.

It may be that the church's greatest need is not what you think your gift is, but it's

just simply setting up chairs on a Sunday morning or helping with the children's ministry.

So as Paul said, be patient, be humble and gentle and bear with others.

So that's a red light.

Okay, let's get to the green lights, the other side of the spectrum.

These are the things where you say, well, yeah, if these things are going on, you are

free to leave.

And this list is pretty simple.

You're free to leave.

Number one, a failure in gospel teaching and preaching.

Yeah, you should leave right away if your church isn't consistently communicating the

truth of the gospel.

And it goes without saying that any church that embraces and teaches a false gospel is

not even Christian, so run for your life.

Number two, an error in essential doctrine.

This goes hand in hand with that first one.

There are, as we say in our official doctrinal statement, certain historical doctrines that

define Christianity, things that we will stand upon and refuse to compromise.

If a church isn't teaching the essentials of the faith, the very things that define

Christianity, then yes, you should leave.

Number three, a change in personal situation or a calling to a new ministry or mission.

This one's pretty obvious.

This is a green light.

You're free to leave if you're moving out of the area because of a job change or because

you know, it's smart to be closer to family or because God is calling you to a particular

mission or ministry somewhere, then it makes sense to leave one church and connect to another.

Now, if that happens, here's a few things to consider.

And by the way, we've seen folks not do this and suffer for it.

So listen carefully.

If you start to think about moving to a new location and you start to research that new

location, don't just look at the area and the job you're going to and the schools and

the shopping and all that other stuff.

Make identifying your future church the number one priority before you commit to leave.

Otherwise, you might go through all the work to relocate and go, oh, this is going to be

a great place for us.

But then you get there and you find yourself stuck in a spiritual oasis because there aren't

any solid Bible teaching options in that area.

So look at that first.

Make sure that is at the top of your priority list.

And you can ask for help with this.

Our elder team has helped a number of relocating families to do this just recently.

It's been very helpful.

So we've had red lights and yellow and green lights.

Let's talk about yellow lights now.

Now again, these are things these are proceed slowly because these things are a little bit

harder to discern.

They require wisdom and time and opportunity to see if you can be part of shoring up a

weakness in a particular church body.

OK, and that just takes time.

So let me give you I think I got three or four of these things.

Number one, yellow light.

Well it's hard right now for me to trust and follow leadership.

Now there's a million reasons why you might bump into this type of situation.

Of course, you should never, ever, ever sit under unbiblical leadership, immoral leadership

or abusive leadership.

And yes, those types of men are definitely out there.

On the one hand, the call on your life biblically is a concrete is to yield to your leaders

and to follow them.

That's Hebrews 13 17.

But on the other hand, you have to recognize that your leaders are never going to be perfect.

They're never going to meet all of your needs.

Right.

So you have to weigh things really carefully.

Do you believe your leaders are qualified according to scripture, meaning their character,

and can you follow them without being critical and divisive?

That is key.

Listen, if you can't follow your leaders because you don't believe they're qualified, you should

leave that church.

Here's why.

You can't choose to stay and then grumble against them.

That is a sin against the body of Christ.

So you've got it.

You've got to settle this in your mind.

These guys are not perfect, but you know what?

They're qualified by scripture.

I may not agree with everything they do, but I can follow them.

Wonderful.

But if you come to the conclusion, I don't think they're qualified according to scripture.

I don't think I can follow them.

Then don't stay and grumble.

You've got to make that change.

That's number one.

Another yellow light.

Number two, it's hard to live out biblical mandates because of the size of the church.

And this is one of the main reasons why folks end up at Oak Hill.

Their heart is for serving in the church and for living life with others, for knowing their

shepherds.

But because the church that they're in right now is so large, it just seems too difficult

to get connected, almost impossible to find a place to serve, and almost impossible to

live out the one another's of scripture.

The caution here is this.

Have you made every effort possible to fix that problem before you decide to make a move?

If at the end of the day, the size of the church prevents you from living out biblical

commands, then yes, you may need to seek a smaller place where you can be plugged in

and find opportunities to serve others.

So that's a yellow light.

Proceed slowly, but you may need to leave.

Number three, growth is difficult under the teaching and preaching.

Spiritual growth is difficult under the teaching model that's taking place there.

This does happen in some places, particularly churches that are organized around the principle

of just staying with simple entry-level type of church teaching where the depth is intentionally

not the goal.

And you get to a point in your spiritual growth where you need more.

Make sure before you leave a church like that, that you don't see a possible change coming

in the strategy in the future or that you can't be a part of changing that culture for

the better.

But if there's no ability to affect change and you sense a need that you need to be fed

in the Word in a deeper way, then proceed slowly.

You may need to leave that church.

Fourth one, the structure of the church is unhealthy.

This is one to really watch for.

How is the church organized, especially leadership?

Is it biblical?

Have they given way to the culture when it comes to, I don't know, things like gender

roles, right?

Where male and female are mixed up or combined into one thing.

Is there a plurality of elders or is there just one guy in charge?

Is the church structured in a way that lacks accountability for leaders?

Those are important questions.

It's good and healthy to approach leadership and ask good questions with a humble spirit

and a desire to learn.

Okay.

If you look at the structure of your church and you're like, I'm not sure if it's biblical,

I'm not sure if it's healthy, then go ask good questions.

Be humble when you do that.

But if the answer is coming back, don't line up with the Bible and you can't see, again,

a way to help remedy that, then that's a yellow light.

Yeah, maybe you should consider leaving that church.

Now, as you consider those things, remember the principle.

Being a member of any church is always going to be uncomfortable to some degree.

That's because no church does everything well and no group of gathered believers is without

weakness and sin.

See, the consumerism of the church would tell you, you know what, if anything just gets

tough, just go ahead and bounce.

Start looking for something better and more comfortable.

But in time, whatever new church you find will also become uncomfortable to some degree,

maybe in a different way, but it will present its own set of challenges because every church

does.

And then are you just going to bounce again?

At what point do you stop bouncing and just say, you know what, churches are imperfect.

I'm going to stay here.

I'm going to dig in and I'm going to try to be part of the solution.

And the reality is some discomfort in church life can actually be a benefit to us.

Isn't it?

Isn't that how we normally grow and mature through trial and challenge and sometimes

even pain?

So before you just bounce because things got a little bit choppy, see if God might be using

that little bit of discomfort to stretch your faith in the areas we've already talked about

in humility, in gentleness, in patience and in tolerance of others in love.

Now notice I didn't address race or politics because that should be obvious.

I'll just make these simple statements.

If you leave a church to find another church based on racial demographics or preferences,

that is sin.

That is betraying the mission of Christ to bring his children together as one body.

And the same goes for politics.

We don't abandon one church family in order to find a new group of people who will think

exactly as we do politically.

Here's the only place race and politics fit in today's discussion.

If you're ever part of a church that stops teaching scripture and begins to preach every

Sunday on cultural issues of the day and politics, then go back to number one in our green category

– they are starving you of gospel teaching and preaching and you are free to leave.

Sundays and midweek studies are for the Bible, not for politics.

Okay, deep breath.

Let's say you and I, you or I are seriously considering leaving a church now.

Let's look at the steps and how to do it well.

Here's the whole message that I really want to get to the practical stuff.

If you've gotten this far in, 32 minutes in, well done.

Here are the practical steps in how to leave a church well.

Here are two big principles that serve as a guide for us.

Number one, you always want to leave a church in a way that your conscience is clear and

allows you to move to your next church home without any spiritual baggage.

That means you've left for a solid reason and you've done everything possible to leave

in fellowship and in peace with that church family and the leadership.

You've got to have a clear conscience.

Number two, you want to leave that church in the same way you came in, meaning through

the front door not slipping out the back.

This is a big one.

We see this a lot.

What that means is communicating clearly and openly with the leadership, not hiding from

them, not avoiding them, and ultimately seeking to leave with their blessing.

Now, let's backtrack for a second.

How do we get there in those two things?

Well, you want to start by analyzing any discontent that you're feeling about your church.

Analyze the reason or reasons why you're thinking about making a change.

Hold it up to scripture to see if you're thinking as biblical.

It's got to start there.

Then identify what your reasons are.

Where does it fit into the red, yellow, green matrix?

As you do that, make sure to look for biases or blind spots in your thinking.

Try to be honest and objective in the way you're approaching this.

Remember, the root of sin in our hearts will often lead us to think in a self-centered way,

thinking that we see things correctly and everybody else is misguided.

Self-awareness matters.

Ask yourself, is the motivation behind me wanting to leave good and healthy?

Be honest with yourself and with God.

Are your emotions maybe getting the best of you or is there rationality behind your reasoning?

Test it carefully.

Maybe expose yourself to the best versions of the other side of the argument.

Consider what are the best reasons for staying put instead?

Or would that be more biblical if I stayed?

And if you're dealing with a really heavy issue, what is known as, we call it church

hurt, these things become especially important.

Because when we're hurt by somebody in the church, be it a congregant or a leader, the

temptation is going to be towards anger and bitterness, towards the idea of leaving that

church with guns blazing and fingers pointed at everybody else.

But as Christians committed to the scriptures, we have to recognize the command to resist

what our flesh wants to do.

And your flesh might want to lash out when you've been hurt.

We have to remember how strongly the Lord feels about unity in his church.

And as always, we have to recall how much we've been forgiven by Christ and how much

that truth requires us to extend grace and forgiveness to somebody who might have hurt

us.

Now, as you're walking through that process, you're going to need to be very intentional

in prayer.

You want to ask God to search your heart, to make known to you any improper motivations

that you have.

You want to constantly ask God for clarity in your thinking and an awareness of what

his word says.

The decision to leave a church family should never be made in haste.

It is a big deal with lots of implications for your life and the life of others.

So take the time to process in prayer seriously and don't rush it.

And by the way, at that point in the process, I would suggest just praying quietly and not

involving others.

Not yet.

Not yet.

That's why unprocessed thinking, what we often called venting, we call that venting, can

actually do more harm than good.

Early on, at that point, you want to stay quiet with the Lord, asking him for wisdom,

searching the scriptures and checking your own heart.

Pray for a submissiveness to his will.

If he makes it clear to you that you should stay and not go, then tell him that you'll

obey.

Pray that he would guard your heart so that bitterness doesn't rise up as you process

through a difficult decision.

And if you still believe that leaving is the right call, you're leaning in that direction,

then it's time to take a few more important steps.

And number one on that list, cannot say this.

I cannot say this more clearly than I'm going to say this.

This is so important.

The number one thing to do before you leave a church is to communicate with the leaders

of that church.

And I know that's hard, but this has to be done.

Reach out to an elder.

Ladies, if you're more comfortable, reach out to a godly older woman, maybe somebody

on our women's council, somebody with experience and insight who can give you wise counsel.

Don't go to just anyone because if they're not mature enough to handle your concerns,

you might end up sowing seeds of doubt in them.

And that's not good.

So make sure you pick the right person.

One big thing, never make a decision to leave a church before you go to your leaders and

ask clarifying questions.

Man, this this is the one that's probably frustrated me the most in my decades of ministry.

Never make a decision to leave a church before you go to your leaders and ask clarifying

questions.

Recognize you can come to a leader and say, look, I'm frustrated with this or that and

I'm thinking about leaving, but recognize that you may not have all the facts.

You may not know all the circumstances that have led to your concerns because the church

is sort of like a water line on a pond.

You see some things above the water line, but there's a lot more going on below.

And so you got to ask questions to clarify.

You might come to leaders and say, hey, here's my concern.

This is what I see.

Is there something I'm not seeing?

Leaders may very well be able to address your concerns and remedy the problem.

They may be able to clear up a misunderstanding that you've had.

You owe it to them to give them that opportunity to address your concern and say, let me give

you another perspective.

And if they've fallen short in their love for you and their care for you, and that's

possible.

You may say, look, I don't feel loved or cared for.

I feel hurt by the leadership.

And you owe it to them to tell them that so that they can apologize and that they can

ask for your forgiveness.

That's that's what healthy biblical relationships look like.

You have to give opportunity for that to happen if that needs to happen.

And you still might leave, by the way, but at least tell the leadership so that they

can apologize.

Always approach your leaders with sincerity and with humility.

The goal is unity and resolution.

We don't go to leadership just to accuse and criticize.

Go with an eye towards mutual understanding.

Again, even if at the end of the conversation, you still feel like you ought to leave that

church and when you meet with a leader, give him give him honest feedback.

Tell him what's going on.

You can be kind in that, but but share your feedback so that so that he and the church

leadership can learn something from it.

Listen, in a conflict situation, there's always things that you can learn from your leaders

and there's always things your leaders can learn from you.

So let that be a good, healthy, biblical, mutual conversation.

OK, let's say after all that you've gone to leadership, you're convinced it is time to

leave.

Now what?

Again, let the leaders know that that is your decision.

OK, if at all possible, have a face to face meeting with an elder to say, look, I have

here's the process I've walked through.

Here's the steps.

Here's what I see.

I don't feel like I can stay.

Have a have a have a face to face conversation with that.

I know that's hard, but when you're leaving a church, you have to be willing to do hard

things for the glory of God and the unity of the body.

What you want to do is walk out face to face with a leader with blessing and with prayer

and with mutual love for for one another.

That is what I mean, by the way, when I said earlier, leave the same way you came in through

the front door, not slipping out the back.

Listen, too often today, church members, what they do is they'll drop a text message or

an email to an elder and they will fly.

They will bounce.

Why?

Because that's the easy way to do it.

I just send a text or an email and then I'm gone.

But what that communicates is this, that the church family really didn't mean all that

much to me.

And I'm not all that concerned about what I'm leaving behind.

So the hard thing to do is to meet with the leader face to face and leave through the

front door.

Next as you're in the process of leaving, guard what you say carefully as you depart

one church to go to another.

Watch your tongue carefully.

As James tells us, the tongue is a wildfire that sets things ablaze.

When you get to that that new church, be careful not to gossip or grumble about your last church.

Don't poison others as you leave.

Don't sow seeds of doubt in their minds because what happens a lot of times is as you leave

a church, people from your church will reach out and go, why are you leaving?

What's going on?

Watch your words carefully.

Don't be a divider of the body who tries to drag others with you.

Always keep in mind, God is witnessing how you leave.

And for those who do damage to the bride of Christ out of a selfish heart, there will

be an accounting for that someday.

So don't sow seeds of doubt in the minds of the people you're leaving behind.

And when you get to your new church, don't poison the reputation of the church you just

left.

It's the bride of Christ, folks.

You do not want to stand before Jesus someday.

And that's on your resume.

I was one who divided the bride of Christ.

All right, a few more quick things and then I'll be done.

Number one, you should know where you're headed before you part ways with the church family.

At least you know there's some options out there.

Don't leave without a plan and then just float aimlessly for months or even years.

Listen, I've seen that happen.

It's dangerous for any Christian to be out there in the wilderness among the spiritual

wolves.

So have a plan.

In all of your processing, say, look, if I'm going to leave this church, I have some ideas

where I might try and then go try.

Get out there right away.

Don't be stuck in the wilderness.

Same thing, make sure you've resolved any outstanding conflicts in the body that you're

leaving for your part.

Make sure you've repented of sin, apologized to anybody that you know you've hurt or offended

in the past.

And don't leave angry or bitter towards others who've hurt you.

Unreconciled relationships in the body are displeasing to the Lord.

And when Christians fall into this area, they bring the leaven of unforgiveness and bitterness

into their new church family.

And that's not fair to that body.

I've seen that folks leave angry, bitter, unreconciled, and then they walk into their

new church.

And what do they what do they bring?

All of those things.

As far as it depends on you, make sure that you're leaving things in the past in a good

place.

Make sure here's another one.

Make sure to express your thankfulness for the time you've had at the church you're leaving.

And again, I know that that sounds kind of strange because if you're leaving, you're

like, I wasn't it wasn't the right fit for me.

Still, there were people there that were a blessing to you.

Might be leaders, might be fellow congregants, but thank those who had been faithful to serve

you and care for you over those years.

Listen, shepherding the hearts of others takes an emotional toll on one's life.

It's hard work filled with long hours and sleepless nights.

I can testify to this.

And chances are the leaders in the church are leaving.

They tried their best to teach and disciple and care for you.

Not perfectly, of course, but they've worked hard to build you up.

So thank them.

When folks just take off to find a new church body without a kind word or an expression

of gratitude, it can be hurtful.

And then finally, once you've left, learn how to simply answer the inevitable questions

that will come your way.

When people ask either at your old church or your new church, when they say, why did

you leave?

Because people will ask, right?

Tell the truth, but be careful.

Don't point fingers.

Don't attack the character of your leaders.

Don't trash the reputation of that church.

Find a way to have an answer that is simple and short and honest.

Remember, you should still want what's best for those who've stayed at that old church.

So don't burn bridges.

Don't alienate fellow Christians, especially here in the Santa Clarita Valley, where you're

likely to run into those folks in the market or at the mall or at a restaurant or something.

Because if you've handled yourself biblically and you haven't burned bridges, those chance

meetings aren't going to be awkward.

And that's a good place to be.

Okay, let me just close with some scripture because that's a bit a lot of practical teaching

there, but some scripture, Psalm 133.

One, behold how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity.

Verse 1419, pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

First Peter 3, 8 and 9, be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted and humble in spirit,

not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.

And our call to worship from this morning, Colossians 3 verses 12 to 14.

Colossians 3:12–14

So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion,

kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each

other, whoever has a complaint against anyone.

Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

May we all work diligently to glorify God here at Oak Hill for as long as he causes

us to be here at this church in the Santa Crita Valley living life together.

Amen.

Amen.