Cleaning Up Conflict | Trinity Sermons

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Trinity

Sermons. This week we are wrapping up our teaching

series called Spring Cleaning, where we're talking

about some of the habits and things that happen

in our lives that aren't really helpful to us

and that maybe we need to clean up. Today we

are talking about cleaning up conflict, something

that we're probably all familiar with. Whether

it's fighting with your spouse or your kids or

your co -workers, we all have conflict in our

life. But how do we deal with that? How do we

avoid that? How do we work through it together?

That's what Rob is going to talk to us about

today. Today's reading is from the book of James,

James 1:19–21

chapter 1, verses 19 through 21. My dear brothers

and sisters, take note of this. Everyone should

be quick to listen. slow to speak and slow to

become angry because human anger does not produce

the righteousness that God desires. Therefore,

get rid of all moral filth and the evil that

is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted

in you, which can save you. The word of the Lord.

Oh, I think that everybody somewhere in their

home has a place like that. Maybe it's a junk

drawer. Maybe it's a closet. Maybe it's your

garage. It's that place where you stuff all this

junk and hope that maybe you'll never see it

again. But actually what we've been learning

over the last few weeks is that perhaps the messiest

place isn't a place in our house at all. It's

our hearts, our cluttered up, junked up hearts

that we stuff all sorts of. wounds and hurts

and maybe, you know, frustrations in there, hoping

that maybe we'll never have to deal with it again.

But much like Monica's closet, at some point,

all that stuff gets exposed. All that stuff comes

out. And when it does, it often takes a real

toll on our relationships. As Tim Keller said,

he said, people are messy. It's not just Monica.

It's not just you. It's not just me. All people

are messy. Therefore, Our relationships will

be messy. Expect messiness. And so whenever there's

too many hurts or too many arguments or too many

misunderstandings that pile up in us, eventually

it's going to spill over. And often, you know,

those relationships that we had around us that

were so, you know, clean and tidy and squeaky

clean become really cluttered, really conflicted

and complicated. We've been doing this series

just for a few weeks. We've been calling it Spring

Cleaning. And what we're focusing on is trying

to declutter some of that stuff that is in our

hearts. And if you've been following along with

us, you know that two weeks ago we began. And

we talked about a clear -out comparison, because

when we are constantly comparing ourselves to

others, it just doesn't do anything good for

our heart, for our soul, for our lives. And then

last week, we talked about how we need to conquer

complaining. And we said that when we're constantly

complaining, man, oh man, it's not just bad for

our own health and draining for us, it's draining

for the people around us, and it messes with

our spiritual life as well. But today we are

going to move on to this last topic where we're

going to talk about how we clean up conflict

in our lives. But as we've said each week, this

is not easy to do. This is actually really, really

hard to do. I dare say impossible for us to do.

So we need help in cleaning up this kind of stuff

in our lives. And that's why every week we've

been praying this prayer, which is just a few

verses from Psalm 139. God searched. me and know

my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Dig around in that closet in there, God, and

see if there's any offensive way in me and then

lead me in the way everlasting. And this prayer

is so, so helpful because it's inviting God into

this process. God, I want you to go deep, not

just the surface. God wants you to go deep and

see what's going on in there. But secondly, it

also invites God to lead us. Lead me in a new

way, a better way. Lead me. in a cleanup plan

for this mess that I have in my heart. So if

you would, before we go any further today, let's

once again together pray these words out loud.

Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and

know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any

offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

Amen. All right, now God is, we've invited him

into this process. Let's talk a little bit about

how we can clean up conflict in our lives. I

should tell you, I nearly called this cleaning

up criticism, but I went with conflict. But the

truth be told, criticism and conflict are really

closely related because the words we say, critical,

hard words, are so deeply tied to the conflict

we experience in our lives. And nowhere does

that seem to come up more clearly than in that

reading that we just read. read from james my

dear brothers and sisters take note of this everyone

should be quick to listen slow to speak and slow

to become angry see the connection between anger

and speaking right because human anger does not

produce the righteousness that god desires Now,

it's worth asking, who is this James guy, and

where does he think he's coming from to come

and lecture us about conflict? Well, I want to

actually tell you that James has a couple claims

to fame. One is something that I cannot relate

to at all, and the other is something that I

actually can relate to. You see, the first thing,

and this is the one that I can't relate to, is

that James was the brother of Jesus. I just want

you to imagine that. Imagine growing up, and

Jesus is your brother. If my brother had said

to me, hey, Rob, I'm the son of God, I would

have given him like such a wedgie, right? It

would have been the end of him, right? And actually,

James didn't really believe that Jesus was the

son of God either until something happened that

totally changed his mind. And, oh, what was it?

What was that thing? What did Jesus do that?

Oh yeah, he rose from the dead. And when he rose

from the dead, all of a sudden, James, his brother,

went from giving him noogies to giving him praise

and giving him worship. He went from being a

skeptic about Jesus to being a leader in the

church. And that's the thing that I actually

do have in common with James. James was a pastor

of a church, and I'm the pastor of a church.

James' church was in Jerusalem. It was a very

real church. church with very real people uh

you know and they had very real situations in

a very real city and actually There's actually

very real problems going on in that church. You

would have to think that's the case because why

would a pastor write this to their church if

there weren't something in there that he was

addressing? If I sent an email like this out

to you guys after church today, everybody would

be like, what's going on? I wonder who's done

what or whatever, right? So I can relate to James,

but you also should be able to relate because

look, it seems like 2000 years ago, people were

struggling with conflict. And today, many of

you here are also struggling with conflict in

your life. lives conflict in your family conflict

in your marriage maybe it's conflict at work

maybe it's conflict at school conflict with your

friends and and maybe you've been stuffing that

conflict and those hurt feelings and those misunderstandings

into some closet deep down in your heart and

it's gonna burst one day so tell you what let's

clean it out instead before that happens what

james gives us in this very short little reading

that daniel read for us is simple it's a simple

basic blue for cleaning up conflict. But though

it's simple, it doesn't mean it's easy. Certainly

not easy. But I've given you a few sermon notes

so you can follow along. And maybe when you leave

here today, you've got a few blueprints on how

to work through the conflict in your own life.

So let's start with the first point on James's

cleanup list for conflict. And he says simply

this, hey, everyone should be quick to listen.

Now, right away, that sounds like a bit of a

strange statement. How does one listen quickly?

It's kind of strange. You can speak quickly.

You can blow up quickly, but listen quickly.

I mean, how does that happen? And I think what

James is actually getting at here is he's saying

what we should do is make listening our first

response rather than our last resort. Okay? And

isn't it true that in just about every single

conflict you've been part of, both arguing parties

want the same thing. They want to be heard. They

want to be listened to. They want to be understood.

I think that's why we're... We're constantly

interrupting each other because, you know, and

we're constantly defending each other is because

deep down inside we're saying, if you would just

listen to me, then you would not understand my

problem and you would know why I'm right. And

then the person on the other side is saying,

well, if you would just listen to me, then you

would know why I am right. And here's the thing

that makes conflict so, so tricky is that it's

really, really hard to hear what someone else

is saying to you feel like you yourself have

not been heard by them. I can't really hear what

you're saying until you have heard me. And you

can't really hear what I'm saying until you feel

like you have been heard. And so what happens?

I'll tell you what happens. We just talk over

each other. We're going back and forth, interrupting,

defending. And nobody is really actually listening.

We're like Monica, just throwing things into

the closet, throwing comments, throwing our opinions,

throwing more and more stuff, reactions, words.

It all gets thrown. And no one's actually stopping

to say, what is it that the other person is actually

saying? So what James is saying to us is, therefore,

the first step to resolving conflict has got

to be for us simply to be. quick, make it our

first priority, to listen and resist that urge

to interrupt. Now, I will admit personally for

me, and by admitting this, I hope it's also true

of you, that One of my problems is when I'm trying

to or pretending to listen to someone, I'm actually

not really listening. What I'm doing is formulating

my response in my head. So they're going, da,

da, da, da, da, da. Meanwhile, I'm going, hmm,

buffering, loading, loading response, loading

response, preparing response. And then when they

finally stop for a moment, I go, bing. All right,

I've got my three zingers that I've just thought

up, and I'm ready to fire them at you. of these,

I guarantee, is going to win me the argument,

okay? That's at least how my mind works sometimes.

I hope I'm not the only one here, but I think

what I need to learn, what we all need to learn,

is that listening is not the same thing as just

waiting for your turn to talk, right? So instead,

what we need to do is, instead of preparing our

response, We actually need to listen. What if

we weren't like, how am I going to respond here?

What if we were instead saying like, what is

it that I'm missing here? Right? And so far,

this all sounds like just communication advice

you could get from YouTube or whatever. But this

actually has a spiritual, a deep spiritual dimension

to it. And that's because this requires a charism

called humility. And humility is this thing that

Jesus says, strive to be humble. Strive to put

others ahead of yourself. And that's what we're

doing here. We're saying, I'm going to let you

speak. And I'm going to like button my lip and

I'm going to listen. So letting them talk, you

listen. And humility also means that it's admitting

that, you know, maybe I'm not seeing the whole

picture here. Or maybe I don't fully understand

this person. That is a real hard thing to admit.

It's a real hard place to get to sometimes. But

the only way. that we can understand what a problem

is really about is if we understand the person.

And the only way we're going to understand the

person is if we're quick to listen, okay? So

that's step one, James says. You just got to

be quick to listen. That's the first part of

the cleanup plan. The second part, though, James

continues, is you also need to be slow to speak.

Now, we do the exact opposites, right? Normally,

we are very quick to speak. And we are slow to

listen. But James is saying, no, you need to

be quick to listen and slow to speak. And man,

oh man, what good advice is this? Because how

many times do we get ourselves into trouble because

we are too quick to speak? Oh, I've got something

really important I got to say. I just got to

blurt it out. And then we say it and dang it.

I should not have said that. I should have just.

man, if I could take that back, isn't it true?

Isn't it true that so many of the worst moments

in our lives and your life too, I think, are

because we were just too, too quick to speak

and we were too slow to listen. All the things

we regret, all the conversations we wish we could

just rewind and do over again, right? It's almost

always because we were too quick to speak. I

think being quick to speak can also mean, though,

talking too much, like dominating a conversation

and not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.

And I think that definitely this happens in spouses,

between spouses. It happens in families. I think

it can happen when the boss is always talking

and everybody has to listen to the boss. He just

goes on and on. It can even happen for pastors.

I mean, look at me. I get to stand up here on

the stage and just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,

talk. And you guys are forced to just sit there

and listen. It's absolutely wonderful, right?

People love, people love to be listened to. But

perhaps it's actually with children and our kids

where this can really, it strikes me. And imagine

this, imagine this, you know, junior comes to

you and they're like, dad, you know, I've really

got something I want to talk to you about, you

know, and they just start getting into it. And

you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen there.

Listen there, kiddo. Let me stop you right there.

Let your old pa give you a little bit of advice

here. Because, you know, I'm a little bit older

than you and wiser. And I've been around the

block a few times. And I got a lot of wisdom

up here in my noggin that you don't have in your

juvenile. You know, your brain is still forming.

So you just sit there and let me download into

your brain, your mind, all my wisdom and all

my knowledge. knowledge and just be quiet and

listen to me. And just when you're getting ready

to lean into that amazing dad lecture, you look

up and you're like, hey, where did they go? They're

gone. Hey, why don't we spend more time together?

We never talk, you know. And why is that? It's

because we're too quick to speak. And often what

that means is we are shutting down the very person

that we're trying to reach. You can actually

talk your way right out of a relationship. So

what's a better strategy? What's a better strategy?

Well, a better strategy would be to be curious

and to ask more questions. So instead of jumping

in with the answers, right, start with questions.

Instead of correcting someone, saying, let me

tell you how it is, start instead trying to understand.

Imagine you're in the middle of a really tense

conversation. Instead of you saying, ah, that's

not true. Oh, you're so wrong. You always say

that, you know, you always do this. Imagine if

instead you could kind of train yourself to say,

you know, why is this important to you? Can you

say that to me in a different way? Help me understand

why you feel that way. I mean, if you could start,

if I could start speaking that way to the people

around me, especially in conflicting situations,

we would discover something really, really important.

And that is that questions actually open people

up. Whereas the statements we make, the lectures

we give, the preaching and teaching we love to

do into people's lives, it actually ends up shutting

them down. And you know where it's a good place

to see this? It's actually on our Alpha course.

We're running right now Alpha here at Trinity.

It's been two weeks so far. It's been amazing.

And what Alpha is, and we always say, it's a

place for you to come and ask your questions.

It's a safe place to explore the Christian faith.

And what the training is for alpha leaders is

this. You are not allowed to pretend to be the

teacher. You are not allowed to answer all their

questions. You are not allowed to preach at them.

You are not allowed to make all these statements.

Why are the leaders of the alpha groups not allowed

to do that? It's because questions open people

up. Statements often shut them down. It's like

Chandler trying to break into Monica's closet,

right? You know, statements are like trying to

force your way into somebody's life, but questions

and curiosity open them up in a completely different

way. Now, I know that you might say, well, Rob,

if I ask all these questions and if I'm constantly

being curious, then they're just going to dominate

the conversation and they're just going to talk,

talk, talk, and I'm never going to get a chance

to say anything. And I guess the short answer,

is yes, that might be what happens and maybe

that's what needs to happen. But hopefully, by

God's grace, they also are striving to be quick

to listen and slow to speak as well. But just

remember this, the goal of a conversation is

not to win the conversation. The goal is to understand.

And the longer they talk, then the more you're

going to learn. And therefore, the more you're

going to understand, right? I think that's where

James is coming from in this. So James says,

hey, be quick to listen. Step one, be slow to

speak. And then step three, he says, be slow

to become angry. Now, this is definitely related

to the first two, because you could say, you

know what? If you do number one and number two,

then number three is going to kind of come naturally.

If you are slow or quick to listen to someone,

and then you are also slow to speak, then quite

naturally, you're going to less likely get angry.

So, you know, this one could be both a decision

on your part, but it's also a result of steps

one and two. Put another way, I think the longer

you listen, the more you learn, and therefore

the less angry you'll be you won't be able to

be as angry because you have learned and understood

more now when you think of anger you might think

of someone who's like blowing a gasket you know

closet purse open all the junk comes out yes

some people get angry in a very loud way other

people get angry in a very quiet way it's just

the the cold shoulder the silent treatment The

eye roll, the internal shutdown, the simmering

resentment underneath the surface. There's lots

of ways to be angry. But actually, I think James

particularly is talking about anger in a way

that this is maybe kind of the best way to understand

it. He's talking about when we draw very hasty.

and misinformed conclusions about people that

that damage the relationship so it's like this

self -centered posture it says yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah i know i know what you're saying i

know where you're coming from you don't need

to tell me anymore i've already got it figured

out now it's my turn to talk right i know i'm

right i know what and i know that you're wrong

okay but um Here is something I learned this

week, and it's one of those things that you're

like, when you hear it, you're like, duh, of

course, of course that's true. And I read it

from, there's another pastor down in Atlanta.

We have some people from Atlanta here today.

His name is Andy Stanley, and he makes this point,

and it's really, really smart. He says, he says

that everything that people do actually makes

perfect sense to them. It might not make sense

to you, but it makes sense to them. And everything

that people say also makes complete sense from

their perspective, right? Now, it doesn't mean

that they're right, and it doesn't mean that

you agree with them. It doesn't mean that it

was okay what they said or did, but it does simply

mean this. Whatever it was they said or did,

they obviously had a reason, right? And you...

could sit there thinking, that makes no sense.

Why on earth would they do that? Why on earth

would they say that? Good question. Why? Why

would they say that? Why would they do that?

That is something we need to figure out. Because

there's obviously something going on here that

you don't understand. They have an understanding

that you don't. And if you understood their story,

if you listened a little bit more, then maybe

you would understand that. Maybe you would understand

where they're coming from. Maybe if you were

in their shoes, you would even make the same

decision. It's also true that everything that

a person believes makes total sense to them,

even if it's not at all what you believe. This

is really important for us to remember here at

Trinity, because people may come into this church,

they do every week, and they don't believe what

you believe. They may not even call themselves

a Christian. They're in a very different place

when it comes to what they believe. And we need

to absolutely make sure that no one ever feels

judged for what they believe. Because, again,

we all have reasons for what we believe. And

they have a reason for what they believe. You

know, Monica's closet is full of all sorts of

odds and ends that she decided to keep for some

reason. We don't know why those were important

to her, why she held on to them, but she did,

okay? We don't know the reason. The same is true

for people. We don't know the reason why someone

would say something or do something or even believe

something, but we have to understand they have

their reasons. When we get angry, what we're

saying is, I know enough, I've heard enough,

I've seen enough to know and to judge you. I

know exactly what you're thinking and where you're

coming from. But humility says, actually, maybe,

maybe, maybe I actually don't know what's going

on here. And maybe they have their reasons that

I don't understand. James's whole cleanup plan

boils down basically to one kind of big conclusion

at the end. And that is this, that it is way,

way better to try to get right with someone than

it is to try to be right at someone, right? And

this is really what it's all about. This is really

actually what the whole gospel is about. James,

he puts it this way. He says, human anger does

not produce the righteousness. And I think you

could, Actually, just say human anger doesn't

produce the rightness that God desires. So you

see, my anger is trying to produce a rightness

that I desire. And your anger is trying to produce

a rightness that you desire. But in the midst

of all that, actually, God has a rightness that

he desires. I've got my opinion and I've got

my agenda. You've got your opinion and your agenda.

But in the midst of all that, you know what?

God also has an agenda. God also wants something

to happen here. But God's agenda isn't about

one person being right over the other person.

God's agenda is about both people getting right

with each other. And here's the truth. You can

win an argument, but then go ahead and lose the

relationship. You can prove your point. Congratulations,

you made your point. But then you push the other

person away. You can be right and still be wrong.

Because again, God's goal isn't that you win

an argument. God's goal is that you restore a

relationship. If you don't believe me, we just

got to look at the life of Jesus. Jesus didn't

come. to prove he was right. Of course Jesus

was right. He's the truth incarnate. He is the

word. He is the logos, right? He is the attorney.

There's never been anyone who's been more right,

more righteous than Jesus. But Jesus's biggest

goal wasn't to come to earth to be right at us.

He came to make things right with us. To reconcile

us to God and to reconcile us to each other.

Think about it. When God sent his son into the

world, he did not drop him into history as a

preacher with a big old megaphone, right? He

didn't show up as Wes Huff, you know, winning

every debate and argument. No, he came as a baby

who couldn't even talk. Right? And so for years,

for 30 years, he mostly watched and he listened

and he experienced. You could say that before

Jesus preached to us, he listened to us. Before

he spoke to us, he lived with us. He was very,

very quick to listen. And he was very, very slow

to speak. He didn't preach his first sermon until

he was 30. And he was very slow to become angry.

Jesus did become angry sometimes, but... but

he was very slow to become angry. Jesus knew

that the kingdom of God wasn't going to come

with arguments. It was going to come on a cross.

And on that cross, Jesus took all of our sinful

words, all of our selfish anger, all of our,

you know, I must be right, prideful attitudes.

He took it all on himself on the cross, and he

did there what no amount of arguing could ever

do. He ended the conflict between God and us.

But not just that. He also... created a way for

us to be right with each other. Look at what

Paul says. Christ Jesus, he himself is our peace

who has made... The two groups, so this was a

particular church where two groups were fighting

with each other. One, he's made these two groups

one, and it's destroyed the barrier, the dividing

wall of hostility between us. The cross has two

beams to it. There is a vertical beam, God reconciling

us to himself in Jesus, and there's a horizontal

beam where we are now called to reconcile with

those around us. It's like Monica's... Jesus

is the only one who is able to open the doors

of our hearts and truly clean out the mess and

the sins that are on inside there, decluttering

them, making us brand new. And all that happened

on the cross where he gave his life not to be

right, but to make things right between us. So

what does that mean for us? What does all that

mean? It means the next time you are in the middle

of a conflict, and it won't be that long. It'll

be this week. It'll be maybe with your spouse,

maybe with your kids, your coworker, your boyfriend,

your girlfriend, someone here, maybe someone

here in this church. Hmm. You have a choice.

Do I want to be right? Or do I want to get right?

They are not the same thing. And following Jesus

means choosing reconciliation over being right

and winning the argument. Okay? So this week

when conflict comes, and it will, be quick to

listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry,

and choose getting right over being right. Thanks

be to God. Amen. Thanks for tuning in to this

week's episode of Trinity Sermons. This sermon

was recorded at Trinity Church Streetsville in

Mississauga, Ontario on April 26, 2026.