Divorce

This morning's sermon is difficult. It's been difficult to prepare and it's certainly difficult to preach.

! And it's difficult on lots of different levels. My guess is that there's not a single person in this room who's not been affected in some way by divorce.

In our families there are people who we deeply love and have experienced it. There are friends out there that we know who are walking through a divorce.

Maybe a bitter one. Maybe few that personally you know the pain of it.

Part of my reason for teaching on it this morning is we've come to that part of Matthew. We've come to Matthew 19.

But we all need to know, don't we? The Bible doesn't hide these things from us.

We need to know what love looks like in hard places.

And there are difficult sermons to preach because sometimes life is difficult.

More brutally difficult than we ever imagined it would be.

And so this morning it may be that this morning is not what you need.

Maybe it's what someone else needs.

And it may be that one day it is what you need.

Certainly it's what you need to help someone else.

And I want to dive right in. I'm going to give you six Biblical principles on divorce.

Mainly based in Matthew 19.

And I want to be upfront. I'm going to lean quite heavily. I've read quite a lot this week.

I'm going to lean quite heavily on a report by the Free Church of Scotland.

And that they produced on an article by Kevin DeYoung.

First of all, my first principle is this.

Jesus says start with the intention before concession.

Jesus tells us that when you do your difficult thinking about this difficult issue of divorce.

Start your thinking with God's intention for marriage.

Before you come to the concessions which God gives for divorce.

Start with what God intended.

Before you look at what he concedes.

And where you start from is so important.

And in Matthew 19, do you see the Pharisees?

And those kind of religious leaders.

They're coming to Jesus and getting to comment on divorce.

And they're asking him what he thinks about something way down the line.

In the Bible story.

And Jesus says, we'll come to that in a moment.

He says, I know what you're asking about.

And I know where you're going with this.

I know your line of travel.

But you're forgetting the Bible's beginning.

And so he says, look at what the Bible at the beginning says about marriage.

Chapter 19 in verse 3.

And they ask this question, don't they?

They come to test him by asking, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?

And the question comes directly from Deuteronomy chapter 24, the fourth book of the Bible.

Deuteronomy 24 · chapter mention

The fifth book of the Bible.

It's a very important passage.

And we'll look at it in a moment.

Deuteronomy is book five of the law.

It is Moses speaking to the people of Israel as they're about to go into the promised land.

And Jesus says, I see you've got your copy of Deuteronomy.

But have you got your copy of Genesis with you?

He answered verse 4.

Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?

And said, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

That is hugely important for you and I.

For two reasons.

The main thing that Jesus says to us about divorce is this.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

You're talking to me, says Jesus, about the acceptable concessions for one, that God has made one to become two again.

That God's original intention for two to become one and to stay one.

And so marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

And God gave it to help men and women live together in the world that he has created.

And God's intention and his plan for marriage is for it to last a lifetime.

The principle here is that the original is weightier, heavier.

Yes, there are concessions.

But the original intention is the best.

Advertising uses this again and again, doesn't it?

Levi jeans, still the original and still the best.

And it may be that some of us who are married to you today, maybe you're delightfully, happily married.

It may be that one day you find yourself looking for a way out.

You find yourself looking for a valid reason to walk away.

And Jesus says, you start with what God intends for your marriage before you do anything else.

Here's why, the second thing.

And the original intention shows God's tender heart.

That's the original intention, that it shows God's tender heart and the concessions reveal our hard hearts.

You see that in verse 7 and 8?

Yes, Jesus may be raising the bar for us, keeping it high, but he's tender.

He's also tender.

Do you notice in verse 3 why the Pharisees came to him?

They came to him to test him.

The Pharisees are not church elders in perplexity, desperately trying to help someone in their congregation.

That's not what they are.

They're not grappling pastorally with this, with wisdom and with grace and with love.

No, here's a chance to trap Jesus himself.

It's a trap.

Will you be conservative or will you be liberal?

And in Jesus' day, this question, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?

Some literally were saying, if she burns the evening meal, that is a reason that you can get rid of her.

If she does something in the day that you find offensive, well you can divorce her.

Is that okay, Jesus?

Is that grounds for divorce?

And before he answers, and he will answer, Jesus goes back all the way to Genesis.

He says, look, the reason we're asking this question shows how far we've fallen.

For when somebody leaves in a marriage, they are pulling apart what God has joined together.

It's very, very important to know that.

Every marriage in every part of the world, in every religion, whether it happens in a church or a registry office or a beach or a golf course,

every marriage happens before God.

And he designs the gluing together.

And every divorce tears it apart.

And the Pharisees just want to know, don't they?

Well, when's it okay just to tear it apart?

And Jesus says, why are there no tears in your eyes when you talk about divorce?

And I think Jesus is tender here because he sees two people join, a man and a woman.

The Pharisees see the men.

And what they're allowed to do to their wives.

But Jesus says, sees what God loves to unite.

Humankind always divides, doesn't it?

But Jesus is saying that the original intention matters so much.

Because God didn't just put your wife beside you.

He glued you to each other.

And you are saying that divorce is sending away.

But actually Jesus says, I want to teach you that divorce is amputation.

One of these approaches to divorce is cruel and the other is tender.

Jesus knows the immense pain that divorce can bring.

You're wrapping presents and you get salad tape.

And you cut the salad tape and it folds back on itself.

You know that feeling?

And you try to unstick it but you can't, can you?

You get an envelope.

And you lick the envelope.

And then you remember, oh, I forgot to put the gift token in.

I forgot to put the cash in.

And so you go to open up the envelope and it's dried and you rip the envelope.

Children, you get two pieces of paper and you glue them together.

And then you realise, oh, I shouldn't have done that.

So you've got to pull them apart.

And they're different colours of pieces of paper.

And as you pull them apart, what happens?

It is messy, isn't it?

And there's bits of paper on the other bits of paper.

And you can't cleanly break it because it's like amputation.

So divorce people often speak how the divorce tears apart the very fabric of who they are.

As a man and a woman.

And two people cannot be united in a one flesh union and then be separated and be just the same as they ever were.

Divorce means nothing will ever be the same again.

And our Lord Jesus knows the price of separation is very, very high.

And the Pharisees, they look at the data.

But Jesus looks at the people.

And the Pharisees want to tick boxes and make hard and fast rules.

And Jesus sees a world of pain.

And so number one, start with the intention.

Number two.

Number two, divorce is not always sinful.

Divorce is not always sinful.

You start with God's intention.

One man, one woman in a union for life.

But there is a but, isn't there?

We know that God's gardeners, Adam and Eve, actually became vandals.

And with them, every man and woman who's lived after them have had the same problem.

And there is now no one flesh union of any man and woman that is not in some way spoiled.

And which does not in some way continue the spoiling of the world.

We are fallen.

And fallen unions sometimes fail.

And here is what we need to say.

Every divorce is the product of sin.

But not every divorce is therefore sinful.

Do you get that?

Every divorce is the product of sin.

But not every divorce is therefore sinful.

In Malachi chapter 2, the Bible very clearly says God hates divorce.

Malachi 2 · chapter mention

So do you.

So do you.

And some Christians have argued and do argue that there can only be some very, very extreme cases for divorce.

And a minority of Christians have argued that there can be no grounds for divorce ever.

And I think that view does immense damage.

What that view gets right is that every divorce is the product of sin.

But what it gets wrong is to assume that every divorce is therefore sinful.

So if you'll come with me to Jeremiah chapter 3.

Jeremiah 3 · chapter mention

So if you'll come back, it's on page 6 to 9.

I do want you to go there because it's a remarkable passage.

Jeremiah chapter 3.

Jeremiah 3 · chapter mention

And again, if you haven't got a Bible, do that walk of shame to the back and grab one.

Jeremiah chapter 3, page 6 to 9.

Jeremiah 3 · chapter mention

And I want to read you from verses 6 to 8.

Jeremiah chapter 3, page 6 to 9 in the church Bible.

Jeremiah 3 · chapter mention

So I'm going to jump around a little bit this morning.

Jeremiah says,

The Lord said to me in the days of King Josiah,

Have you seen what she did?

That's the people of Israel, the church.

That faithless one, Israel.

How she went up every high hill and under every green tree.

And there she played the whore.

And I thought, after she has done all this, she will return to me.

But she did not return.

And her treacherous sister, Judah, did not fear.

It's going to be split into two.

But she too went.

And she played the whore.

Because she took her whoredom lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree.

Sorry.

Verse 8.

She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithful one Israel, I had sent her away.

And here's the key point.

With a decree of divorce.

Israel's worship of her false god.

God says it's like prostitution.

It's sinful.

And do you see what he does?

Verse 8.

He divorces her.

It's actually an amazing picture of what the exile is.

That she's been sent off into captivity.

And God says it's like my wife being sent away with a certificate of divorce.

Every divorce is a product of sin.

And yet God himself is not sinning by cutting her off from the land.

Do you see that?

Many people in churches have had to live with the stigma of divorce and the shadow of suspicion.

That's cast a long and dark shadow over them.

And it's not right.

Because God himself at one time, in an incredible way, dare I say it, God becomes a divorcee.

And many people, maybe you this morning, you feel a deep sense of shame today.

Because we've not been clear enough about the fact that not every divorce is sinful.

We need to be clear that some divorces are, certainly.

But not everyone.

And so what are the grounds for a divorce that is not itself an act of sin?

And I think there are three, and here they are, the next three principles.

Number three, divorce is permitted, but not compulsory for sexual immorality.

Just notice the language there.

Divorce is permitted, not compulsory.

I'm going to use that language for the next two points as well.

Permitted, but not compulsory.

And we're going to look at the permission each time, and then I'm going to say something at the end about the not compulsory bit.

Here's the first ground. Permitted, but not compulsory. And it's sexual immorality.

This is Matthew chapter 19 and verse 9.

Matthew 19 · chapter mention

And what we need to see here is that Jesus has been asked to walk into a very specific trap.

Verse 9 is his answer to the question of verse 3.

And verse 3 comes from Deuteronomy chapter 24 verse 1.

Deuteronomy 24:1

This little phrase in verse 1, if a man finds some indecency in his wife.

What does that mean?

It's a really ambiguous term.

And even to us as we look in our Bibles, it's ambiguous.

And it was as ambiguous as the Jews in their day.

They argued about it constantly.

In general, the word means something repulsive.

But what exactly?

And as usually happens when there's a really contentious issue, a spirit emerges.

And so there are those who are on the more conservative side that say that this phrase, some indecency,

it means unchastity, it means kind of sexual expression outside of marriage.

Sexual unfaithfulness.

That's what's in the frame here.

The other school of thought, which is more liberal if you like, widened it.

And so said basically anything that's offensive is a grounds for a divorce.

Spoiled dinner at the table.

That's something anti-sook.

Which is it to be?

But it's a really significant issue, isn't it?

One opens the door very wide to divorce for almost anything.

Anything the husband deems worthy of divorce.

The other narrows the door of divorce to sexual misconduct.

So Matthew 19 verse 3, when the Pharisees ask Jesus, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause for some indecency?

Matthew 19:3

What they want to know is, which side will you take Jesus?

You come from the synagogue or walking in the vineyard and the house is a mess at the end of a day's work.

You have an argument.

You enter in your marriage into a kind of season of difficulty where it just seems you rub each other up the wrong way and you don't get on.

Or there's a distance in your marriage and you think it's your wife's fault.

Jesus, is it time for the divorce courts?

Or is divorce only possible when that one flesh union has been breached in some way?

And Jesus is really explicit, isn't he?

He says the more limited ground for divorce is right.

Sexual immorality.

Isn't he tender?

Isn't he protective of women?

The men who want to discard their women?

No, you may not cast her away quickly, easily, sir.

The word here, sexual immorality, I think it includes, but it is not limited just to sexual intercourse.

Gross lewdness.

Something which brings catastrophic damage to a marriage.

To the one flesh union.

You see, marriage at its heart is a sexual union.

And you cannot set fire to that without in some way tearing at the very heart of marriage.

For nothing will arouse such intense anger and pain and jealousy as sexual unfaithfulness.

And where there seems to be a profound damaging or severing of that one flesh union, divorce is permitted.

So I think that this means that Matthew 19 is addressing a particular debate in that day.

When he says here that the only ground for divorce is sexual immorality.

He does not mean in my view that that is the only ground for divorce kind of period, full stop.

The end.

The end.

You know what he means?

In this debate, over the meaning of the phrase, any cause some indecency, in that particular war of words,

Jesus is on the side of those who say, indecency means sexual indecency.

This cannot mean that it's the only ground for divorce because principle number four.

Divorce is permitted but not compulsory for desertion.

For desertion.

So again, come with me.

Stick with me to 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

Which is on page 9, 5, 5.

1 Corinthians chapter 7.

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

Ok, 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

I'm going to read you from verse 12.

On page 9, 5, 5.

He says.

To the rest I say, I not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her.

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

him. For the unbelieving

husband is made holy because of his wife

and the unbelieving wife

is made holy because of her husband.

Otherwise your children

would be unclean, but as it is they are holy.

But if the unbelieving

partner separates, let it be so.

In such cases the brother or sister is not

enslaved.

God has called you in peace.

For how do you know wife whether you will save your

husband? Or how do you know husband whether you will save your

wife?

So here are the Christians in the church in Corinth.

And they're asking, what does my

new love for the Lord Jesus

mean for my old love

for my husband?

Or my wife?

This person

who has not followed me in my

devotion to the Lord Jesus.

What does it mean for our marriage?

It's so important to see the principle. Trusting in

Jesus does not

mean that you're airlifted out of your

situation, out of the world,

out of your network of relationships.

Jesus.

One flesh means one flesh.

Means one flesh.

One flesh for life.

So stay as you are.

And Paul knows that not every

unbelieving spouse

likes their

partner's new love for the Lord Jesus.

Jesus in the home

can make the other partner want to leave that home.

And if that happens, if there's a desertion,

then the person who has been deserted is not bound in any way.

There have been two

traditional grounds

for divorce in

Protestant theology, very Protestant church.

Sexual immorality and desertion.

I'll give you them both.

In both

cases, the marriage

covenant is broken.

Seven.

One because a sexual

intimacy takes place

with someone else.

and the other because the other

part he does isn't there.

They've left.

But I do

want to argue quite strongly

that there is another ground

which has been

strangely

neglected by the church.

And so

can you come with me to Exodus,

the second book of the Bible.

And I've not got a page number

for this.

Exodus 21.

Exodus 21.

Just after the

Ten Commandments.

It's the last passage

we're going to turn to this morning.

Exodus 21

Exodus 21:9

verses 9 and 10.

And so

the fifth point is this.

Divorce is permitted

but not compulsory

for humiliating neglect and abuse.

Divorce is permitted

but not compulsory

for humiliating neglect

and abuse.

Let me read you from

Exodus 21

Exodus 21:9

verses 9 and 10.

If he designates

for his son

he shall deal with her

as with a daughter.

Here it is.

If he takes

another wife to himself

he shall not

diminish her

food

her clothing

or her marital rights.

The context here

is slave marriages.

But of course

those marriages

are still marriages.

And it is clear

isn't it

that something

short of adultery

or sexual immorality

is given

as permissible

ground for divorce.

For some reason

the debate

about the meaning

of Deuteronomy 24

and that any

cause language

has dominated

the church's

understanding

of divorce.

But in fact

it is most likely

that rabbis

in the Old Testament

and at the time

of Jesus

took it for granted

that to refuse

food

and clothing

and sexual rights

to a wife

to your marriage

partner

constituted a form

of humiliating abuse

of that partner

which she

should not have

to endure

for life.

In fact

the ideas

of Exodus 21

have made it

into our marriage

though

haven't they?

We know that

on a wedding day

a husband promises

to his wife

to forsake all others

and hurt him

there's a sexual

immorality to him.

And what else

does he promise?

He promises

will you take this woman

to be your wife?

Will you love her?

Comfort her?

Honour her?

And protect her?

It's a beautiful rendering

of the ideas

of Exodus 21.

Adultery

can end a marriage

yes.

Desertion

can end

a marriage

yes.

but one of the

most cruel

forms of

desertion

can be

the one

that takes

place emotionally

or psychologically

or physically

even while

the abuser

is standing

there right

next to you

present

to a spouse

but present

only to harm

and that too

in my view

the humiliation

of neglect

and abuse

means divorce

may be permitted

and we need

to be clear

about this

don't we

crystal clear

that the sanctity

of marriage

the oneness

of a marriage

is never

a sanctuary

for a man

or a woman

in wreaking

devastating

physical

or emotional

or psychological

abuse

on their spouse

the Bible

does not

it does not

provide

warrant for

domestic abuse

or violence

in any form

does it

particularly in churches

we have the

incredible privilege

of living with

an extended family

sometimes

that family

needs to provide

a world of

shelter and love

for men

and for women

while people

try to get involved

and bring about

the right kind

of end

to devastating

happening

devastating damage

that happens

in marriage

the sixth point

and the last point

is this

divorce

is not the end

of the story

divorce

is not the end

of the story

it's not the final

chapter

of anyone's story

did you notice

the other correction

that Jesus makes

to the Pharisees

in Matthew chapter 19

Matthew 19 · chapter mention

and they look to him

and they say

oh yeah yeah

Jesus

and we know

about the one flesh

that you need

to be in the Bible

but why then

did Moses

give a certificate

of divorce

why did he allow it

see what Jesus does

Matthew 19

in verse 8

he said to them

because of your

hardness

of heart

Moses allowed you

to divorce your wives

but from the beginning

it was not so

correct gentlemen

Moses

commanded

no

Moses didn't command

Moses commanded

no such thing

did he

do you see the difference

Moses allowed it

Jesus says

Moses permitted it

because of the

hardness of heart

divorce is permitted

but not commanded

it's not compulsory

sometimes sin

spreads its tentacles

around our hearts

and it weaves

such strong cords

that we can never

seem to break it

sometimes the fallenness

of our world

and our relationship

spreads its reach

so far

that some

marriage unions

just become

irretrievably broken

and divorce

is permitted

for immorality

and for desertion

and abuse

but it's not

commanded for

any of those

things

does that

surprise you

I think it

should

when we see

people suffer

in marriage

yet no divorce

is not

commanded

forgiveness

might yet

win through

God is not

just

a divorcee

he remarries

he calls

back his

exiled people

from Babylon

he sets

his love

upon the

people who

trampled

on his love

and trashed

his garden

and vandalised

his house

and spurned

his love

and he calls

them back

and he marries

the prostitute

girl

and so it

is with us

divorce is

permitted

but the

deeply

broken

spurned

lover

may with

God's grace

forgive

if the

deserter

will return

and the

wonder of

wonders

is that

through

gospel

grace

the

deserter

may

return

in tears

and shame

and repentance

to find bread

and wine

on the table

and the

best robe

on her

shoulders

and a

ring on

her hand

and a

fatten

calf

coat

is that

possible

or is

the good

news of the

Lord Jesus

too weak

to do

that

the abuser

may repent

and there

may be

healing for

what they

did

Saul

do you

remember him

he held

the coats

of men

who murdered

Christians

and he

approved of

it

but he

was

wonderfully

transformed

Jesus

always

always

always

brings

the promise

of gospel

transformation

some people

head towards

divorce

and the

gospel can

stop it

divorce is

the solution

only when

all else

fails

and we

need to

say that

it's just

as true

where divorce

has happened

where divorce

had to

happen

it's just

as true

whether a

sinful

divorce

took place

or a

divorce

caused

by sin

but which

was not

in itself

sinful

in none

of those

cases

none of

those cases

does God

ever pull

down the

curtain

and say

well that's

the final

act

that's the

story over

divorce is

not the

unforgivable

sin

it's not

the end

of you

and the

pain of

divorce can

be healed

with the

gospel of

grace

now what

is the

only thing

that marks

the end

of the

road

for someone's

walk with

Jesus

the only

thing that

marks the

end of the

road

for someone's

walk with

Jesus

is hardness

of heart

and may

God give

us as a

church family

in his

kindness

cause to

cherish his

original intention

for marriage

our refusal

to stigmatise

anyone

a profound

compassion for

others in this

broken world

in which we

live

repentance for

our sin

protection for

the weak

faithfulness to

those we

are bound

to today

and love

for Christ

and his

word

in first

place in

our hearts

all our

days

amen