Relationally Aware (Pastor Cheryl Lavornia)

So, on Tuesday night, I was praying myself to sleep.

Just leave it at that.

Sometimes you just lay there and you're like,

okay, well, good time to pray.

And I was talking to God about my frustration

around my journey of healing.

I was struggling with this question.

What can I do to make the sting of hurt just go away?

For it to just, like, stop running around

and running around and running around in my head.

God's response was to me, well, talk about it,

like this Sunday.

I was like, so here we are.

I remember when I was in fifth grade.

I remember inviting someone who I had made friends with

that I was getting to know better,

inviting her to my birthday.

She was one of those cool girls, you know.

Eventually, after waiting about 30 minutes,

you know, into the party, my mom suggested I call her.

And I did and she was like, oh, yeah,

I'm going out with my mom and some other friends.

My little heart was wounded.

Now, as an adult, like, I can understand.

I verbally invited her.

Her mom probably didn't even know.

And fifth grade girls can be very fickle.

But as a kid, it felt like such a big deal.

Now, I remember when I was in eighth grade,

I was voted by the middle school chorus

as the best chorus member.

And to me, this was a really big deal.

It came with an award at eighth grade graduation.

Now, two days before graduation,

my mom got a phone call

and was told that the middle school chorus teacher

had decided to ignore the chorus's vote,

which was almost unanimously for me,

because she wanted to choose the award recipient herself.

And after a long argument with the principal,

my mom said, the principal said she could go ahead.

That was her prerogative.

And she chose my best friend.

It was really hurtful.

I just couldn't understand how an adult

could purposely hurt a child.

Now, more recently, I had a friend betray me

and twist some words out of context

that told a different story

that was being shared with others.

Now, I did what Jesus tells us to do in the Gospel of Matthew.

It says, if your brother or sister sins against you,

go and point out the fault

when the two of you are alone.

If you are listened to, you have regained that one.

Now, we had been good friends for years,

and I trusted her a lot.

But when I brought this to her,

she didn't care.

She just justified her actions.

And this is the matter that I was laying in bed

going around and around and around about.

It still stings.

It feels like I was betrayed, wounded.

I'm angry,

and I don't like that it's not resolved.

There's no fix button,

no, okay, that's over with.

There feels like a lack of forgiveness,

even on my part,

and it was not wrapped up in a tight, nice bow.

Especially, I feel wounded because she's a Christian.

So how do we deal when we've been betrayed, hurt,

abandoned by somebody or situation,

especially when it happens to us by someone at our church

or another Christian?

Shouldn't we be different?

Now, today we're going to continue our series Revivalization.

It's the process of reimagining

what it means to be a compassionate Christian community.

And I want you to invite you to engage in this question with me.

And then we're going to challenge each other

to do the work of healing

and why it's so important to be a community

that is relationally aware.

So would you please stand with me as I read 1 Peter 4, 1 through...

I mean, 8 through 11.

Above all, love each other deeply

because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others,

a faithful steward of God's grace in its various forms.

If anyone speaks, they should do so

as one who speaks the very words of God.

If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides

so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.

To him be the glory and power forever and ever, amen.

Lord, thank you for these words this morning.

Thank you that you are so willing to speak to us

in the midst of our heart and our woundedness.

As BJ was praying this morning and praying through

the Holy Spirit's work in us,

that sometimes it feels challenging and scary and hard

when we need to press in to the changes he's trying to make.

So Jesus, I pray that you send your Holy Spirit among us

in a way that completely transforms the way we think about loving deeply,

especially as a community.

And we pray this in your name, Jesus, amen.

You may be seated.

So if you didn't know, these verses are from the great betrayer himself.

This is the disciple Peter who during Jesus' trial with the Sanhedrin

betrayed Jesus three times by saying he didn't know him.

Now when Jesus came to the disciples after his resurrection,

Jesus asked Peter, do you love me three times?

With this action, Jesus showed the way of forgiveness,

which was by loving each other deeply.

When Peter wrote this letter, you can imagine that he is passing on

this experience of being forgiven for so much

and being loved so much onto those who was reading this letter.

So Jesus' deep love was demonstrated in the community

and being passed on community by community by community of faith

by the ongoing work of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration.

Now Peter's purpose was to encourage the Christian community

to be the source of strength for each other

against the trials and tribulations of the world.

So he says love each other deeply

because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Now there's a couple of ways to understand that last phrase

covering over a multitude of sins.

This is the kind of love he's talking about

that can't be quickly cooled or canceled or abandoned.

It's about a community that loves well that can cover over a multitude of sins.

Now what's not clear is whose sins are covered

because maybe a person is covered by their love of God

and that contributes to divine forgiveness of his or her own sins.

Luke 7.47 tells us Jesus said,

therefore I tell you her sins which are many are forgiven for she loved much.

Now another way to look at it is maybe the one who loves the other

overlooks the other person's offenses

whether against the one loving or against others in the community

and thus covers them like in Matthew 18, 21 through 22.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked Lord

how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister

who sins against me up to seven times?

Jesus answered I tell you not seven times

but seventy seven times

which is really a way of saying just continually.

Either way I think the message version translation of these verses

does a great job of actually capturing Peter's intent.

It says most of all love each other as if your life depended on it.

Love makes up for practically anything.

And here's the invitation and challenge of being in a Christian community

because loving each other deeply is hard.

Now as many of you might remember this from the summer

it's the invitation challenge matrix

and it's a diagram to quickly assess what our church culture is

in terms of different topics and so today we're talking through

forgiveness and reconciliation and restoration

and so we're going to put it in that sort of mode.

But you can see the top quadrant that says

high invitation and low challenge is the cozy one

and it's where we focus on relationships.

It's fun, it's social but we might call it relational sweetness.

If you stay in relational sweetness too long

many times you can get bored and that's called relational apathy

which is low challenge, low invitation, you just exist.

Now sometimes we end up in this stressed quadrant

which is low invitation and high challenge

and it's because we are focusing on the things we need to do

the skills we are building and the way it needs to get done

and all those things are important

but it's sometimes relationally taxing.

But what Jesus modeled is the discipleship culture

which is high challenge, high invitation.

It's where we begin to practice the Jesus way to love.

It's taking on the characteristics of God's kingdom of forgiveness,

healing, reconciliation and restoration.

This is how we become relationally aware.

So what is the invitation into relationally aware community?

Above all, love each other deeply

because love covers over a multitude of sins,

offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Use whatever gift to serve others,

speak as one who speaks the very word of God,

serve as so with the strength God provides.

Now one of the hardest things to do in a Christian community

is to love each other deeply.

I know that sounds ridiculous and sort of counterintuitive

to what we think we're supposed to be

but if you didn't know,

we are a gathering of people who still struggle with our flesh.

Sorry but not sorry to say, we still sin.

And so lots of times that sin, that brokenness that we all have

tends to spill out onto others.

Now we want to stay in that cozy category of relational sweetness

and so when we have offended somebody or somebody has offended us

we just like to move on and quickly just cover it over

and forgive like we are handing out Christmas candy.

It's not a genuine work of real forgiveness.

It's not an authentic reflection of actually

struggling with the hurt that you feel

and offering true forgiveness.

It's not the work God is actually calling us to

for ourselves and for our community

but God really wants us to be modeling our lives after Jesus

so he applies some pressure.

Now in his work Life Together Dietrich Bonhoeffer,

a German theologian if you didn't know

who eventually was killed by the Nazis,

writes one of the greatest enemies to community

is our dream of community.

As believers we come into a church community

with this unrealistic ideal or image

what this community should look like.

Eventually though we realize that that dream community

is made up of real people with messy lives

just like ours.

Now Bonhoeffer said the sooner the shock of disillusionment

comes to an individual and a community

the better for both.

Tim O'Rei who is a Covenant pastor in California says

when we love the ideal and therefore imaginary

people rather than real people

it will lead to a grumbling dissatisfied spirit

that eventually does us harm and harms those around us.

The kind of life giving community we long for

comes not from wishing that we had different

or easier people to love

or by searching for a church that just meets

exactly what we need as we perceive those needs

but as we love the real messed up people around us

invite them to love us back.

You might recall in that picture there is a swoop

that goes from cozy down to stressed

and up to discipleship.

I call this point at which God is pushing pressure

on us to move out of our comfort zone

our cozy zone and he applies pressure

and lots of times it feels stressful.

So when we're learning something

or going through some change

sometimes it really creates some stress in us

or angst right and that usually happens

just before we pop up into the thing

that Jesus is calling us to do.

This is when we have low invitation and high challenge

and that's the focus because we're doing things

but the goal is to move up into high challenge

and high invitation with Jesus

and this is how we learn to forgive well.

So in Matthew 6 14 through 15 it says

for if you forgive other people when they sin against you

your heavenly father will also forgive you

but if you do not forgive others their sins

your father will not forgive your sins

but I can hear you guys saying

what about?

What about Cheryl's teacher?

What about Cheryl's friends?

What about someone who's hurt me?

I don't know if God really understands

that that's going to be impossible to forgive?

Maybe he doesn't really know my story

maybe you don't really know my story

they had real evil intent

and the big one is

what if it was abusive?

How can we forgive that?

Now Jesus's words sound like God refuses to forgive us

until we forgive those who have deeply wounded

betrayed and abandoned us.

While forgiveness does lead to our own healing

Jesus is talking about the heart's position

towards the possibility of forgiveness

restoration and reconciliation.

Now you might remember Jesus's story

when he tells there's a story of a master

who has a servant

and that servant owes like 60 million days wages

in debt

and so he can't pay it

so he orders he and his family to be thrown into prison

but this guy begs his master

for more time and the master shows

just this incredible amount of compassion

and cancels the debt completely

but when another servant owes that first servant

100 days wages

he doesn't show compassion to him at all

his heart, even though he's experienced forgiveness

is not practicing forgiveness

is not ready forgiveness

it has no interest in forgiveness

it's only then that the master rebukes his servant

and punishes him

this example really points to all of us

we all have broken relationship with God

by breaking community

when we hurt each other

so we all owe this incredible debt for damage

but this is part of the gospel

God extends this incredible amount of compassion

and cancels our debt

it's not that God is passively ignoring our sin

or overlooks it

but he does not hold it against us

that's what forgiveness means

to let it go

theologian Mirzloff Wolff says

to forgive is to condemn the fault

but to spare the doer

as Jesus unburdens our sins

or our debts

his invitation to us is really loud

I did this for you

now go practice this for others

this is how we begin to heal our wounds

hurts, betrayals and abandonments

that threaten our own community

but listen

I said practice forgiveness

because sometimes forgiveness doesn't automatically lead to reconciliation

or restoration

because sometimes we are called to practice forgiveness

even when someone doesn't say they're sorry

I usually like to give this picture to people when I'm counseling

imagine someone has hurt you

and for whatever reason

they don't care

they're not interested in talking to you

they're not going to listen to you

they're not sorry at all

and so you're left with this angsty feeling

that you can't wrap this up in a bow and get over it

and so what you need to do is think about this as you take forgiveness

and you put it in a box

and you take that box and you put it in that front hall closet

or by that front table or by the front door

and the idea is that maybe

someday when a person knocks on your door and says

I'm sorry

you're like wait I have something for you

and you're so ready to give it to them

your heart is already there

this is the intentional practice of forgiveness

see God is so concerned with our heart position

when we're doing this

he's seeing that our desire is to do the Jesus thing

to do the Jesus way

even if it's never completed by another

last week I used the description from a book

Becoming a Sanctuary and the author outlines

what discipleship culture looks like

when we share the common vocation of protection

and provision as a community

where people are willing to suffer together

a community where people rejoice with

and for each other

a community where people know they need each other

and a community where all people are honored

all gifts are recognized and needed

where divisions, hierarchies and power over are not seen

this is an imitation of becoming relationally aware

South African theologian Desmond Tutu once said

forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done

but it does call us to practice forgiveness

even if there's no chance of reconciliation or restoration

because this is the work that reconnects us

to our community where we can be deeply loved

and where we can deeply love

but there's also a big challenge here

when we are hurt and wounded and betrayed

it puts a dent sort of in our armor

as a fifth grader I was hurt

ping

as an eighth grader I felt betrayed

pong

recently with my friend I was really wounded

funk

but unlike those examples

sometimes forgiveness can only be practiced

because it's not safe

or okay to seek reconciliation

or restoration

and that's because our hurts and our wounds

come from abuse

I took a class this midwinter

and these are some new statistics

and they're as of 2024-25

stats around abuse

one in four women

one in seven men

have experienced severe physical violence

from an intimate partner

within half of both genders

reporting psychological aggression

over 70% of women and over 60% of men

first experience intimate partner violence

under the age of 25

here abuse is defined as physical, sexual

spiritual and psychological abuse

even including stalking

and that's also online stalking and bullying

over 80% of men

and over 80% of women and men both report

having experienced their first sexual abuse

under the age of 25

in a survey done in 2021

of high school students who were dating

within that 12 months before they took the survey

one in 12 experienced physical dating violence

these are high school students

and one in 10 experienced sexual dating violence

there's also spiritual abuse

and we've seen this on the news time and time again

it's increasing as we see churches

very successful churches like Willow Creek or Hillsong

spiritual abuse is using a person's spiritual beliefs

to cause them harm and to control them

and we also see this rise of narcissistic abuse

which involves sustained manipulation

exploitation and emotional mistreatment

by someone with narcissistic personality traits

or narcissistic personality disorder

these are the times with being in a Christian community

so vital to our healing

a place where we are willing

to suffer together because most times

unless there's this miraculous

turnaround with full repentance

counseling and intervention

it's never going to be safe to reconcile

or to restore that relationship

being relationally aware means knowing the difference

between the hurts and wounds done to us

intentionally or unintentionally

you know or by mistake

and those that are actually caused by abuse

this type of forgiveness has to be done with God

and trusted people

and with the expectation that you may never

ever be able to

confront or get

tie this up in a neat bow

this is the time when you may have to take your

forgiveness and put it in a box

give it to God and let him deal with this

you have to leave it there

because it's never ever going to be safe

to reconcile and restore

so I want to invite

Anne Boss up here this morning

she's going to share a little story with us

is it green

yep there it is

can you hear my squeaky

your voice yes

it was fine yesterday when I talked to you that's weird

okay can you explain to me what happened to you

yeah

this is a heavy topic

I was married for just about nine years

to someone who had the same belief in Jesus that I did

our faith was our foundation for our life together

he attended church

used biblical principles to make decision

and we raised our kids together

his faith appeared solid as we meander through our life

then a life quake happened

he met this man who used scriptures

and a claim that God spoke directly to him

about the end times

this person used scriptures to manipulate and change his belief in Jesus

he left his family to meet this man several miles away

and returned a month later with a new doctrine

when he returned home he blasted me with his distorted views

and attacked all that I believed in Jesus

he even told me that I didn't have the Holy Spirit

this oppression continued for a good year and a half

my life was turned upside down

there were many layers to what occurred

he was being spiritually attacked

initially I tried to resolve and understand what was really happening

I tried to understand his new beliefs

I tried to handle everything on my own

I was ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't want to tell anyone about what was happening

I figured it was just a phase

after praying intentionally the Holy Spirit made it clear

that I should lean into my Christian community

with guidance from this community

I worked to remediate the situation and seek restoration

to no avail

this community of people helped me walk through my season of uncertainty

and as time passed I realized it was spiritual abuse

there was no change in his mind or revitalizing his faith

our marriage dissolved in June 2023

so what do you think the hardest part of practicing forgiveness was for you?

well being a Christian my thought was that somehow I needed to find a way to forgive him

although I believe he was and still is being misled

forgiveness had to be part of the resolution for me

but I was angry and disillusioned

why did this happen?

why couldn't the situation be resolved?

why didn't God intervene?

I was like why do I need to forgive him?

I didn't do anything to deserve this

he was oppressing me

the hardest part of forgiveness during this time was that I had to let go

of sharing a life with a partner whose faith was no longer there

let go of his attacks on my belief system

he abandoned all of his family and his responsibilities

it didn't seem fair that I was the one having to forgive

I had to accept the reality that I was on my own

after much prayer, discernment, many conversations

reading scripture after scripture about betrayal and forgiveness

I realized that Jesus forgave those who betrayed him

those who hurt him

he actually showed us that we need to pray for people who hurt us

so that's what I started to do

putting my own pride aside was probably the most difficult aspect of this process

so why was it vital to be in a Christian community?

at first I figured I was equipped well enough to handle this temporary situation on my own

I had my Bible, I had YouTube and podcasts to inform me of what may be happening

and how to handle it

I'm sure you guys can relate to this

but not until I let my guard down did I lean into my community of believers

when I was able to be honest with them about the situation

and receive specific prayer and guidance

I began to see a change in how I was handling things

how God wanted me to approach things

I started to lean more into my Bible

my prayers became more specific and focused on healing and restoration of myself

additionally my community asked for protection of myself and my family

that God's armor was intact and that nothing could penetrate

I was not judged, I was not shamed, I was not blamed

instead I was loved, supported and accepted

it states in Galatians 6-2

carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ

also Ecclesiastics 4-9 through 12

two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor

if either of them falls down one can help the other up

but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up

also if two lie down together they will keep warm

but how can one keep warm alone?

the one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves

and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken

so I've learned to lean into my Christian community

thank you

the challenge of remaining in Christian community

is doing the hard practice of forgiveness

even when things don't get wrapped up in a bow

or there's no apology, no justice for your wrongs done against you

no reconciliation, no restoration

because either it's not safe

or the other one is just not interested

in these cases the Christian community is vitally important

in hearing and holding each other's stories

by being a place where we can suffer together in order to heal

to be supported, to be encouraged as we walk through our own healing journeys

I think so many of us just do what Anne did at first

and keep it tucked up in a way because you're embarrassed or ashamed

that's not authentic Christian community

authentic Christian community is when you get to go to others and be supported

I think that's why the DNA of a compassionate Christian community here is so compelling

when people hear the Gospel of Jesus and witness the power of physical, spiritual, emotional and relational healing

God is glorified

so I'd like you to stand with me and I want to pray this over all of us

I want you to feel God speak to your heart

I want you to feel the Holy Spirit engage with you in a way that

either starts the healing process or reminds you of the work

and maybe the stress of this practice and what you should be walking into

Lord Jesus, you healed the eyes of the blind, the legs of the lame

and the bodies of the sick and the hearts of the repentant through forgiveness

and after Peter's denial confirmed him with your love

so we recognize that we too have hurt and wounded others

so we ask you to heal us through your forgiveness

as well we commit to the challenge of being relationally aware

by going out and asking for forgiveness too

Holy Spirit we also ask you to guide us with reconciliation and restoration

of relationships within our community when it is safe and appropriate

above all empower us to love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins

Father show us how to live into a more Jesus shaped, relationally aware church

that is compassionate, graceful, faithful and just

and do this for your glory, amen