The Pauline Exception

What's your attitude towards marriage?

Hopefully it's better than some of these stories that uh that I read recently.

A husband and wife went to the doctor, and the husband needed a checkup.

Afterward, the doctor took the wife aside and said, Unless you do these following things, your husband will surely die.

The good doctor then said, Here's what you need to do.

Every morning, make sure he gets a good, healthy breakfast.

Have him come home for lunch each day so that you can feed him a well-balanced meal.

Make sure you feed him a good hot dinner every night, and don't overburden him with any household chores or any other expectations.

Also, keep the house spotless, clean, so that he doesn't get exposed to any unnecessary germs.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

She replied, You're going to die.

Or another story.

The troubled man came to his lawyer seeking a divorce, and the lawyer asked him, Do you have any grounds?

The man replied, About three acres.

The lawyer tried again.

No, I mean, do you have a grudge?

The man said, No, but we have a carport.

The lawyer made one last effort.

Are you really sure you want a divorce?

The client replied, No, I don't want one, but my wife does.

She says we can't communicate.

Took you a second.

Or this final one.

Hopefully you're not like this lady.

She wanted to marry four different men in her lifetime.

She said each one would help her with the four things she needed most.

First, she wanted to marry a banker.

Second, a movie star.

Next, a clergyman, and finally, a funeral director.

When asked why, she answered, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Now, these are light-hearted, funny stories about marriage, but marriage is a serious undertaking.

And we need to be careful that we take it with the seriousness that it deserves.

If you're here this morning and as I mentioned the last two times, if uh you have uh gone through a divorce uh for whatever circumstances, I I trust that what is said here today uh in no way causes unnecessary pain.

Um if there are realities that as you hear God's word, that you realize that you are in a place that is contrary to what God has said, that He calls you to repentance and forgiveness and to experience His grace.

And if you had been in a divorce because of uh nothing that you have done, but you find yourself in those circumstances because of the situation that you were in, I hope that you find God's grace and comfort and mercy and that uh that God's word will be a comfort to you this morning.

We will uh deal uh after Father's Day with one final message, really uh coming back to the positive side of looking at, bringing it together and looking at uh marriage and what God intends for it to be and the image that marriage is of our relationship with Christ.

But I wanted to deal with one final passage that I'd mentioned last time but did not have a chance to address it all, and that's this passage I read this morning in 1 Corinthians chapter 10.

1 Corinthians 10 · chapter mention

Paul begins talking about relationships in 1 Corinthians 7, and in part he's he's writing to answer questions that the Corinthian church has had.

And we see even in this section, Paul is giving instruction, giving directions to different people in different circumstances.

He gives direction, we saw first of all, to the unmarried and the widows, and instructs them if they're able to remain single, that that is good, but if they cannot, uh that they should marry.

And he gives the reason for it, uh, recognizing uh the blessing that marriage is, even in regards to the expression of our desires in the appropriate God-given context of that marriage relationship.

And then in verse 10, he begins to address the married, and I want to begin there this morning.

And first of all, uh there we're going to look at the call to the believing couple.

In verses 10 and 11, Paul is addressing a call to believers, to two believers who are married.

And so we need to recognize that, and then we'll see.

Secondly, uh, he gives a challenge to uh those who are in a mixed marriage.

But first of all, the call to the believing couple.

He says to the married, I give this charge.

And we note here, and this is the reason why I say this is to believers, because in verse 12 he says to the rest, and by the rest, he defines it as a brother who has a wife who's an unbeliever, or a wife that has a husband who's an unbeliever.

And so he's making a distinction there between a mixed marriage between a believer and an unbeliever.

Here he is dealing with two believers.

And he says, I give this charge, not I, but the Lord.

We need to understand what Paul is and isn't saying here.

Some take this here, and then what he says in verse 12, and misunderstand Paul's intention.

Here, in verse 10, Paul is saying that he is giving an explanation from the direct teaching of Jesus during his earthly ministry.

In verse 12, he will say that I am sharing now something that Jesus did not talk about during his earthly ministry.

This is a circumstance or a situation that was not addressed by our Lord while he was on earth, but I am saying this with the full authority of an apostle.

He is not saying that, well, what I say here isn't as binding or carry as much weight as what I said previously.

That would be a misunderstanding of what Paul is saying.

Paul is in his apostolic authority, what he is sharing is God's word.

And God's word is binding whether Paul says it or Jesus says it.

And in some ways, the I like having red letter Bibles.

They're helpful for finding things when you're in the gospel, but sometimes they miscommunicate.

And we think that the red letters carry more weight than the rest of Scripture.

But the entire Bible is God's word, and the entire Bible comes with the authority of God, whether it is Jesus' word or Paul's word.

And so here, when he says, I give a charge, not I but the Lord, he isn't saying this carries extra weight.

He's pointing to the fact of expanding on and explaining something that Jesus said.

And in reality, it would be those passages that we studied last time.

And so I'd encourage you to go back and listen to the message or study those passages and the gospels that we looked at.

And notice what Paul says here, very straightforwardly to the married, I give this charge, not I but the Lord, the wife should not separate from her husband.

Paul here is very emphatic in what he says, and we need to catch the weight, the full weight of what he says here.

He says, in essence, that this and no other is God's will for marriage.

That they should never separate due to problems, due to anger, due to indifference.

The weight here of separation carries all kinds of separation from moving out to actually getting a divorce.

Paul is saying here that God's intention for a married couple is to stay together under one roof, loving one another and working out uh and working on the challenges and the difficulties that come up when two people live together in the bonds of marriage.

And so what he says here is that we should recognize God's intention, that we should never contemplate divorce as a solution to the problems that we have in marriage.

And so I want to encourage us uh to sense and to recognize what he's saying here.

This is really God's intention for every marriage relationship.

And practically speaking, I want to encourage each one of us if you're in a marriage and you are experiencing difficulty or challenges, don't wait any longer to address those problems.

Don't don't wait until the problems become so difficult and the pain so deep and the fracture uh seemingly so wide that it becomes so difficult to address the issues.

If you're in a marriage and you're beginning to experience difficulties, and every marriage does, at one point or another, uh we are marriages, two sinners coming together living uh in this relationship.

And uh I want to encourage you as a as a pastor that that you recognize the importance of working on problems early and often and not to let them grow.

And again, it's it's so difficult.

And uh as I sit there in a counseling session and I listen to problems that have gone on for five or ten or twenty or thirty more years, and listen to all of the difficulties, and I and I just wonder why did you wait this long?

Why did you not come five or ten or fifteen years ago?

And so as a pastor, I want I want to plead with you to not let things go on any longer if you're having difficulties, to get help.

The pastoral staff, the counseling center, the Christian counseling center, to to get help for the for the marriage, the problems that you're experiencing, and not to wait any longer.

Because it's God's desire for you to remain together.

This is God's will for marriage.

And so this is what Paul says.

And then in verse 11, and he's not contradicting himself, he's addressing the reality of uh of sinful responses to difficult situations.

And so in verse 11 he says, uh, but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife.

Now, Paul is saying that this should never be the case, but he recognizes the reality that people will do what they shouldn't do, but they do it anyway.

And so Paul addresses well, if if somebody does separate, what should be their attitude and what should be their response to the situation?

And so Paul addresses it here in verse 11.

But if she does, she shouldn't, but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife.

Paul is saying here something very profound about the marriage relationship.

And it's something that our culture doesn't recognize, and oftentimes even we as Christians uh don't understand the full implications of marriage.

Paul says, Well, what if a woman does separate?

What if she does divorce?

And in Roman culture and Greek culture, a woman as well as a man could file for divorce, could leave her husband, just as the man could divorce his wife.

That was the larger Roman uh culture.

Corinthians would have been very familiar with that.

So, in the eyes of the surrounding culture, this woman who had left her husband would be viewed as divorced.

That would be the assumption of the culture.

That may even be her hard attitude, thinking that she had secured a civil divorce and so that she was free from that marriage.

However, I believe what Paul is reminding us here is that we must not assume that God recognizes a divorce just because it was granted by the larger culture.

From God's perspective, if one pursues a divorce, except as I mentioned last week for sexual immorality on the grounds of the guilty spouse, but if one seeks a divorce on illegitimate grounds, God does not acknowledge the divorce, and in his eyes, that couple is still married.

The culture may have said that the marriage bond is dissolved.

The wife or the husband may believe that the marriage bond is dissolved, but from God's perspective, those two are still married.

How do we know that?

Well, first of all, we know that Jesus says this in Matthew chapter 5, verses 31 and 32.

Matthew 5:31

We saw that Jesus says that if a man divorces his wife, he puts her in a place where she commits adultery the moment that she remarries and consummates that marriage.

And so, from God's perspective, uh the the divorce on illegitimate grounds is not recognized by God.

Therefore, when that woman then pursues another relationship and she is married and consummates that marriage, from God's perspective, that is committing an act of adultery.

At that point, she had violated the marriage covenant that she had made with her husband.

Further, although she considers herself, and others may see her as unmarried, she still, notice what Paul says, or she should be reconciled with her husband.

He doesn't say that she should be reconciled with her former husband, again, because in God's eyes uh the divorce is not acknowledged or recognized.

The marriage bonds have not been dissolved.

Further, Paul doesn't say that they should be remarried, but reconciled.

Again, a recognition that from God's perspective that this relationship is really a matter of reconciliation.

Now, practically speaking, in our culture, when there is a civil grant of divorce, uh that woman and that man, if they are to come back together as husband and wife in the eyes of the culture, they would need to go through a process of being remarried.

But in reality, since the marriage bonds have never been dissolved, uh, it would be a matter of reconciliation ultimately before God.

And uh and this is what Paul says that she should remain unmarried, she should not think that she is freed from the bonds of her marriage or the obligations that she has towards her husband because she has been granted a civil divorce, but rather that she should seek to be reconciled to her husband.

And if she refuses to, she needs to remain unmarried.

This is what Paul says about this particular situation, applying what Jesus says to this particular context.

And then also, the husband should not divorce his wife.

It should not be in view.

Let me address one side issue just very briefly, and I don't want to get sidetracked, but I do want to mention it because uh there is uh a reality that I think there's a uh it isn't in view in what Paul says here, and I think there's some practical considerations.

Well, how does this apply in a situation in a married couple where both husband and wife claim to be believers, but the husband is physically abusing his wife?

Should she still stay in that marriage?

Well, clearly we have a situation that's not directly addressed here by the Apostle Paul, but I think there are some biblical principles that still apply.

First of all, I would say for your physical safety, it's wise to immediately remove yourself from the situation, even if that means leaving the house.

This is an unfortunate practical reality.

But you're not removing yourself in order to get back at your husband or to create a circumstance that results in divorce.

In that situation, if one, if the wife were to leave, uh she would be separating, not for the negative reasons of trying to create a circumstance that divorces is the outcome, but in an attempt to help her husband to realize the depths of his sin and the destruction which he's causing to that marriage, to his wife and to the children, if there are children involved.

And so I would say, in a situation like that, your intention would not be to seek divorce, but to seek restoration, and that in a sense, even by removing yourself, it is an expression of tough love in order for your spouse to realize what he is doing and to seek the depth, to see the depths of his sin and to seek the help that he needs in order that the marriage might be restored, that he might repent, and that you might be reconciled.

I would say one other point as well is that regardless if this is a police matter or not, uh, this is a situation where the church leadership needs to step in.

And oftentimes, unfortunately, this is not the case in many churches around the world, surely.

The elders of the church have a responsibility to hold believers accountable and to address sin uh in people's lives when it becomes such a degree or in such a nature that is causing serious problems.

And so there is a call for the leadership of the church to address in the matter of church discipline and restoration.

And so I would also say that in a case such as this, that the that the spouse uh should come to the elders of the church, and the elders would need to step in and begin to address this in accordance with what it says in Matthew 18, 15 through 20 about dealing with sin in the church and how to bring about restoration.

Going to that person uh-on-one, bringing two or three others that everything might be established, even bringing it to the church so that the church can pray for that person and the church can recognize the reality of what's going on, even to the point of treating that person as an unbeliever, of removing that person from the membership of the church for the purpose of that person recognizing his sin so that he might repent.

And unfortunately, that oftentimes isn't the case, but that is the call of the leadership of the church in dealing with situations in believers' lives of a nature such as this.

Again, the the wife would not be doing this in order to precipitate a divorce, but rather uh to uh draw attention in her husband's eyes to the reality of what he's doing in hopes of repentance and restoration.

And I and let me say this as well physical abuse among believers is perhaps one of the unspoken realities uh in the Christian life.

It does happen.

It does happen.

And I think that as a church, not locally here, as as as the Christian church, um we turn a blind eye to things like that, or the people feel like they can't come to the leadership of the church because we won't understand, or we will side with uh the the uh the abusive spouse in cases like that.

Um but I I know from personal situations over the course of the last 20 years of ministry that that is a reality that does happen, and if that has happened or is happening and it hasn't been addressed, please, please recognize that it is something that needs to be addressed, and that God's call for marriage is not that.

So Paul deals with the the marriage of two believers and says that the wife and the husband should not separate.

Okay.

Well, there's a second.

Question here, second situation that we see in verses 12 through 16.

The question of mixed marriages.

And I'll take our last 10 minutes to cover what Paul is saying here.

Really, the points are pretty straightforward in this passage.

In verse 12, he says, To the rest I say, I not the Lord, this is in his own apostolic authority.

It's not something that Jesus had had touched on in his earthly ministry.

That if a brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her.

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

And so Paul is dealing with a situation that follows.

Suppose there are two people who get married, both of whom are unbelievers.

Neither of them has a relationship with Christ.

And one of those two comes under the hearing of the gospel and places his or her trust in Christ.

Now that person is in a situation of a mixed marriage.

He or she is a believer, and his or her spouse is not.

And so the question arises: what should that believer do?

Is that believer in a situation where by remaining in this marriage, he or she is going to be contaminated by the spouse, or that God is going to look down upon this marriage now because it's a believer and an unbeliever.

So Paul is dealing with two believers who were, or two people who were unbelievers, one of whom became a believer.

Now, this is not giving any encouragement for a believer to marry an unbeliever.

In fact, the Bible explicitly says that that should not be done.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 6, and I will read the verses and make a few comments on them.

2 Corinthians 6 · chapter mention

2 Corinthians chapter 6, beginning in verse 14, Paul says, Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, for what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?

2 Corinthians 6 · chapter mention

Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

What accord has Christ with belial?

Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

What agreement has the temple of God with idols?

For we are the temple of the living God.

And then he goes on from there through chapter 7, verse 1.

Well, Paul in 2 Corinthians uses this imagery of a yoke.

And a yoke in agricultural terms of that day is a crossbar with a harness that a farmer would attach to oxen to plow the field.

And if one of the ox is weaker than the other, they would be unequally yoked.

Or if one of the ox is pulling harder or pulling in the wrong direction, they would be unequally yoked.

And Paul says a relationship between a believer and an unbeliever at the most intimate levels of relationship, that person becomes unequally yoked.

This applies directly to marriage.

I believe it goes beyond just marriage, but it directly applies to marriage.

And a believer should never marry an unbeliever.

And I would say a believer should never date an unbeliever with the hopes of that unbeliever becoming a Christian, often called missionary dating, that God calls us to be wise in our relationships.

And I've talked to high school students, and they say, Well, we're just dating.

We have no intention of getting married.

And I was just at a wedding this weekend of two young couples that met early in high school.

Even in middle school, they met.

I think they first met in sixth grade, and they were married this weekend.

And so it is foolish for us to think that, well, this relationship won't end in marriage, and so it's okay for me to do.

And so the Bible is very clear that a believer should not marry an unbeliever, and a believer should not get in a relationship, a dating relationship that could lead to marriage with an unbeliever.

But if you are a believer and your spouse is not, what do you do?

And this is what Paul answers.

He says, first of all, very simply, if you are married, should you divorce your spouse or leave your spouse?

Paul's clear answer is no.

If your unbelieving spouse is willing to live with you, you should not divorce him or her.

Why might they think that they should get divorced?

Well, they might think that they're contaminated, that somehow God is going to look down on them, look down on their marriage, and so that it would be better for them to be unmarried.

But Paul says no.

And so there's also a practical reality here, that the believers should not do anything in any way to drive the unbelieving spouse away or manipulate the situation so that the unbelieving spouse will leave.

And I mentioned that because of the reality of the sinfulness of our hearts, that we can think, well, if we can precipitate a circumstance in which that person leaves, therefore I'm justified in allowing that to happen.

But Paul is saying that you should do everything to make that marriage work, even though your beliefs are different.

And then Paul gives an answer to this question of in verse 14 Am I defiled if I'm a believer and my spouse is not?

Does that in some way make me unclean, unholy, a second-class citizen in God's economy?

How does God view me and the relationship in a mixed marriage of a believing husband or wife and the spouse is not?

And he answers that in verse 14.

He says, For the unbelieving husband is made holy, is sanctified because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy, is sanctified because of her husband.

Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Well, what is Paul saying here?

What does it mean?

Paul says that not that you become defiled by your unbelieving spouse, but quite the opposite.

The unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believer.

Well, what does it mean that the unbeliever is sanctified?

That's what he says, that the unbeliever is made holy.

What is he saying here?

Well, clearly, we know from other passages of the scripture that he cannot mean that that spouse is automatically a believer going to heaven.

Salvation is by grace through faith alone.

So he cannot mean that, but what he does say here is that the unbelieving spouse is in a special place of blessing because he is married to a believer.

That God's blessing in the life of the believer spills over and has a positive effect on the unbeliever.

Further, he or she is in a special place of blessing, the unbeliever, and providentially God may have placed that unbelieving spouse in that marriage relationship for the express purpose of being under the influence of the gospel and coming to faith in Christ.

And then Paul also says that your children enjoy a special place of privilege because of your relationship with Christ.

Because of the new covenant, your relationship with Christ, you, God blesses you, and that spills over to your unbelieving spouse and to your children so that they are in a place of special privilege because of your faith in God's work in your life.

Again, that doesn't mean that your children are automatically saved either, but in a real sense, they receive the blessings of your relationship with Christ.

And please be in mind, this doesn't mean that there is a presumption that your children will automatically become believers.

We can't presume that's the case, and we must pray for our children, live the gospel out before them, hold out the gospel to them, and urge them to place their faith in Christ, but recognize God's blessing on the entire family through the life of the believer.

Well, then lastly, he addresses the final situation here, and let me just walk us through it.

He says, But if the unbelieving partner separates, so the believer does everything he or she can to make the marriage work, and yet the unbeliever separates, and not because of circumstances generally, but specifically because of the believer's faith in Jesus Christ.

Specifically because the unbeliever has so much disdain for the gospel and hatred towards Christ that he or she refuses to remain in that marriage relationship because of the gospel and faith in Christ.

What should that believer do?

And Paul answers that.

He says, Let it be so.

He says, when it is gone to that point and the person leaves, let the person leave.

And here the leaving would be in divorce, that they would separate and divorce.

And Paul says, in such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved, that they are not bound by the obligations and the expectations of that marriage relationship any longer.

They are freed from the obligations of that marriage.

In essence, what he's saying is that that marriage commitment is dissolved, and it is as if your spouse is dead and you are no longer bound to your husband.

And that being the case, you are released from the obligations of that marriage, and I believe that would also mean that that believing spouse would have the freedom to remarry.

And Paul says that the basis for this is that God has called you to peace.

And then in verse 16, and let me just mention this, he says, For you do not know, wife, whether you will save your husband, or you do not know, husband, whether you will save your wife.

And this can be taken many different ways.

In two particular, it could be taken positively, and some take this as a positive admonition to say optimistically, don't give up, because who knows, maybe your husband will be, uh you will be the one who saves your husband.

Well, some people take this pessimistically and take it to mean you don't know the future, so don't hang in there for a theoretical possibility that will never happen.

I think Paul is being more practical, and much like Ecclesiastes, in essence, he's saying you can't know the future.

Everything is in God's hands.

You shouldn't try to figure out what may or may not happen, what he may or may not do.

And you need to and try to live your life based on the unknown.

And so we recognize God's providence, and we recognize that God may work in ways that we don't know.

We trust him and we don't try to live our lives based on the possibilities that may or may not happen.

But again, I think this is a very rare situation, and I believe that most situations don't fall under this Pauline privilege, as many call it.

And that moreover, God wants each of us to work and fight for our marriage to succeed and thrive and not ever figure out or try to figure out a way to separate from our spouse.

And that's that is God's call for every marriage, and I will talk about that more in two weeks.

So would you join me now for a moment of prayer and uh a closing song?

Father, help us to rightly understand your word and not to misapply it, to think we have permission to do what you have not given us permission to do.

But rather, Lord, may we see your high calling for marriage and for those who are married, may we use every ounce of energy that you give us to protect and preserve and to allow our marriages to thrive for your glory.

We pray in Christ's name.

Amen.