The Foundation for a Healthy Family

I want you, or some people in this room, to help me introduce this message.

If you and your spouse have been married for at least 40 years, I want you to stand.

You and your spouse, you've been married for 40 years at least, stand, okay?

Now, if you've been married for at least 50 years, remain standing.

Okay?

If you've been married for at least 60 years, remain standing.

All right.

I don't have this in my notes now.

If you've been married at least 65 years, remain standing.

Okay.

Okay.

Those 60, if you've been married 60 years, stand back up.

Let's give them applause.

What I'm doing here, I want you to see, we have many couples who at least appear to understand something about God's design for marriage.

Now, I say they appear to understand they've stayed together this many years.

We don't know what it's like.

Okay.

But they are demonstrating for sure the permanent nature of marriage that Jesus described.

Look at this verse.

He's talking about God's design for marriage in Genesis 2.24.

And he says,

That's the goal.

I'm beginning a four-part series this morning called Building a Healthy Family.

Today, we're going to look at God's design or God's original foundation for a healthy family in Genesis 2, verses 24 and 25.

Genesis 2:24

We're going to be looking at the foundation for a healthy family.

We're focused on the husband-wife relationship today.

Lord willing, we'll look at parent-child relationship.

No, next week we're looking at the foundation for marriage today.

About two people coming together.

Next week we're going to look at more details about the husband-wife relationship.

Third week, the parent-child relationship.

Now, what we're looking at today in Genesis chapter 2,

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

specifically verse 24, but we're adding to it verse 25 today.

This is God's blueprint.

We have looked at this before.

It's been taught, preached by other people in this church.

But nowhere else in the world outside of a church, a Christian teaching session setting,

nowhere else in the world are you going to hear what we're going to look at today.

God's design, His intent for how husbands and wives, men and women, come together and form their marriage.

Virtually all research, secular and Christian, supports the idea that a healthy marriage provides the most solid foundation for a healthy home.

I want you to look at something that comes from Focus on the Families.

It was Citizens Link.

It's now called Family Policy Alliance.

Marriage is good for people, for women, for men, and for children.

Research for the last 30 years continues to find ways in which lifelong marriage positively affects our physical and emotional health,

and even our finances.

And at the end of that article, it says this,

a thriving society and culture depend on stable marriages.

I don't know that you would call our current society and culture thriving.

I don't see how we could.

And one of the main reasons why it's not is because we as a country have sort of forgotten what we're going to look at today,

God's design, God's intent for the home, the foundation for the home.

Look with me.

Genesis 2, 24 and 25.

It'll be on the screen, but keep your Bibles open.

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Now, I've said several times by design, this is God's blueprint for marriage.

This is the foundation.

We're going to look at pillars that form a strong marriage.

Some people, maybe some in this room, you're thinking,

I think he's sort of overstating this, overstating the significance.

Well, consider this.

When Jesus taught about marriage in the context of being questioned about divorce,

when Jesus taught about the foundational nature of marriage, he quoted Genesis 2, 24.

It's in Matthew 19.

When Paul gave detailed instructions about the home and about marriage, about husband-wife relationships,

in Ephesians 5, he quoted Genesis 2, 24.

It's not an overstatement for us to look at Genesis 2, 24 and 25

as the bedrock, it's the foundation if you're interested in having a healthy marriage, family, home.

I want us to look at this passage using four words that Chuck Swindoll coined to explain this passage.

I often use this in wedding ceremonies.

And some of you here, we use this in your wedding ceremony.

Here they are.

The words severance, permanence, unity, and intimacy.

We're going to look at each one individually.

Here's what I want us to understand.

If we want to have healthy homes,

we need to make sure that our marriage is based on these four foundational principles.

Let's look at them.

The principle of severance.

The first step in the process of building a healthy home is this.

A man shall leave his father and his mother.

The same thing is true about a woman.

A woman must leave her father and mother first before the healthy home can be established.

Now, let's think about it for a moment.

What does it mean to leave your father and mother?

Does it mean to just say so long, forget it?

You know, it was nice knowing you?

Obviously not.

When he says to leave your father and mother, it does not mean to abandon them.

It doesn't mean to cut them off from your life.

It does not mean that we would do anything that could be considered disrespectful.

The fifth commandment states, honor your father and mother,

and it applies to adult children as well as small children.

All of us in here, if our parents are still alive, we're supposed to honor them.

And leaving father or mother does not give us a license to dishonor them.

What does it mean?

Well, again, I want to quote Swindoll.

He has a good definition, I think, or explanation of what it means to leave your father and mother.

He says it means to sever tight, emotionally dependent strings that once provided security, protection, financial, and physical needs.

All or any of those ties, if brought over into a marriage, will hinder the bond of marriage from sealing.

So God mentions this first, even before he talks about uniting or cleaving to each other.

When we get married, when you got married, your relational priorities should have changed.

For those of you who are not married yet, you're thinking one day you will.

When you get married, your relational priorities should change.

The number one person in your life, if you're married, should be your spouse.

Now, it takes time for that to happen.

And in normal courtships, in normal engagement periods, that should be taking place.

If you're engaged.

If you're engaged, you're engaged.

The process, the process of leaving father and mother should already be underway.

And if you've been dating for five years, you've been engaged for eight months, and you don't see any signs, that's a red flag.

If he's still mama's boy, or she's still daddy's girl, and it looks like, where do I fit in?

Red flag.

By the time you get married, by the time we got married, we should have made the definite commitment

that my wife, my husband, is the number one person in my life under Christ.

Now, how this change takes place depends on the couple and their parents.

It's according to the kind of relationship you had before you get married,

as to how this actually works itself out.

But for some people, the best way for this to take place is to move away.

For some people, move far, far away.

Lisa and I got married, and we lived one year, about 15 minutes from her family, and about 45 minutes from my family.

After one year, we moved.

She was from Belton, I was from Pendleton.

After one year, we moved to Fort Worth, Texas, for me to go to seminary, and we lived out there for three years.

And it was one of the best things that we could ever have done for our relationship.

And I want you to understand, we didn't have any problems when we lived close by that first year.

We, I never thought Lisa didn't leave father and mother to be united to me.

She never thought that I didn't leave father and mother and be united to her.

But moving away like we did, where we didn't know anyone, we were not kin to anyone,

living a thousand miles away from family for three years, it made us draw close together.

It made us spend a lot more time together.

We learned to depend on one another in a way I don't think we ever could have, or maybe not would have,

if we'd always lived close by to our parents.

So I highly recommend it.

If it's on the verge of happening, couple, embrace it.

It's an adventure.

Dad, mom, if it's your child is about to go, it is sad.

It can be gut-wrenching.

But give them your blessing.

It is, under most circumstances, it is going to be a good thing for their relationship, for their marriage.

Now, everybody doesn't have to move away.

I know that, and I'm not saying that you have to.

Everyone does not have to move away, but everyone has to break away from being dependent upon,

having those tight, emotional, and other strings attached to their parents.

The break has got to be made if you're going to have a close, bonding kind of marriage in every way that we read about here in Genesis 2.24.

You cannot have the solid foundation for a healthy marriage and be tied to mama or daddy, either one of you.

I want to repeat that.

You cannot be the spouse that you ought to be to your husband.

You cannot provide the model you ought to provide to your children if your mother is the first woman in your life, man.

If your dad is the first man in your life, woman.

That's not how God designed it to be.

And there are no exceptions.

Now, there's a word in here for parents.

Let your adult married child go.

Let your adult married child go.

Allow them to leave you and grow close to their mate.

That is God's will.

That is God's design.

If you want to be on board with God's design, God's plan for your children's home,

you might need to cut the strings.

You might need to tell them, talk to your spouse about that.

You and him or you and her, you make the decision.

You talk about it.

It doesn't involve me.

It's not my decision to make.

It is yours.

Both of our sons are married.

Most of you know that.

Know my whole family.

We love our daughters-in-law.

We have been blessed by two daughters-in-law and two grandchildren.

We have a great relationship with our daughters-in-law.

We do a lot of things together.

They put up with me aggravating them all the time.

But I want to tell you this, and you can ask both boys and daughters-in-law to verify.

We don't try to run their life.

We do not try in any way to run their lives.

Believe it or not, I do not give my boys a whole lot of unsolicited advice.

I don't tell them everything I think about what they're doing.

Now, I'll be honest with you.

If it's just something stupid, I'm going to tell them that's stupid.

I couldn't sit by and let them do something I thought was just dumb.

This is just crazy.

And not tell them.

But if they choose to do it, it's their decision.

And they will live with it.

Not me.

My boys, my daughters-in-law, these two families,

they live their lives.

They live the lives that they choose.

We don't try to tell them what to do.

Now, I want to give here sort of what you might call a free piece of advice

to parents of grown children.

None of your children have told me this, but some of them wish they would like to.

Don't go to their house uninvited.

Mama-in-law and papa-in-law.

Mama and daddy have grown men and women.

Don't show up at the doorstep uninvited.

Don't make surprise visits.

They may not tell you that because they want to spare your feelings,

but they don't like it.

You're intruding.

You're actually crossing the line.

Always call.

Always see if it's okay.

If you're not going to be interfering.

Respect their privacy.

Now, for you who needed me to say that,

$20 would be sufficient on your way out.

Parents and adult children,

and I want to clarify something here.

Parents and adult children can have a great relationship.

Parents and adult children can have a close relationship

and enjoy life together and do a lot of things together.

And that's the goal.

But it should never be a question

as to who is first

in a married man and married woman's life.

Lisa and I are first in each other's life under God.

And her parents know that.

They're alive right now.

They know that.

They've always known that.

My parents knew that.

They always knew that.

My boys,

they can tell you,

Lisa and I are first in each other's lives.

Those of you who know us,

you know it.

You see it.

Here's what we want for our boys.

We want Amy to be number one in David's life.

We want Jennifer to be number one in Michael's life.

That's God's plan.

That's the way he made marriage.

That is his will.

And that's what my grandchildren,

their children need to see.

And the same thing applies to you and your family.

That's the principle of severance.

Let's move.

The principle of permanence.

The next phrase,

hold fast to his wife or be united to his wife.

Either way,

translated both ways.

This refers,

this idea of holding fast,

being united.

The old King James,

cleave.

It refers to the strongest of possible unions,

like being glued together or welded together.

In order for a marriage to survive and thrive,

both husband and wife must make the commitment to each other.

This is permanent.

This is not a trial marriage.

This is not we hope it works out.

This is for life.

And separation or divorce should never be an option.

Divorce was not a part of God's original plan,

as Jesus reveals.

Look at it.

This is Matthew 19,

where he's being sort of sucked into a discussion.

People arguing over grounds for divorce and so forth.

Jesus replied,

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives

because your hearts were hard.

But it was not this way from the beginning.

It was not God's design.

Anytime a marriage breaks up,

it is a violation of God's intent for that marriage.

So divorce happens because of sin.

But listen to this.

While all divorces involve sin,

not everyone involved in the divorce is guilty of sin.

There are biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage.

That's not our point this morning.

We've talked about that in days gone by.

We're focusing on marriage this morning.

And just as an aside,

just for the case of maybe the few who are here who think this way,

a person who's been divorced for whatever reason can be forgiven.

If we truly repent of any sin and seek forgiveness by trusting in Christ,

then our sins are forgiven.

There's been a day in church life and in Baptist life in particular maybe,

when divorce was considered the unpardonable sin,

and that's always been wrong, and it's wrong today.

There's nothing that irritates me more than somebody who's never been divorced,

who has a smug, look-down-their-nose attitude,

as somebody who has been divorced.

So I want to throw that part out.

Because there's been too many people

wounded by churches

with arrogant attitudes

just because they've stayed married,

or people who just stayed married.

I've told you this before,

and I said what I said about people being married a long time.

It appears they're doing something right.

It appears they're following God's design.

Everybody who stays married

didn't want to stay married.

Many years ago,

I had a lady that I knew,

her husband of 50 or 60 years,

I can't remember,

it was a long time,

50 or 60 years,

he died.

And I asked her,

or I said something to her,

I know you miss John.

She said,

I don't miss him,

I'm glad he's dead.

And I'm serious.

Those were her exact words.

I don't miss him,

I'm glad he's dead.

They had a terrible relationship.

He was meaner than a snake.

She was glad he died.

So everybody that sticks together,

it's not a wonderful,

it's not a God-honoring marriage.

And sometimes there are grounds for divorce.

So,

God intends for us to think of marriage

as a lifetime commitment.

Permanent.

And you need to let that sink in

if you're married right now.

You need to think right now.

If you're a Christian,

your spouse is a Christian,

you both want to make your marriage work,

you can.

Changes may need to take place,

but you can.

That's God's plan.

He'll help you.

Number three,

the principle of unity.

I want you to look at this next phrase.

Talking about them becoming one flesh,

they shall become one flesh.

This refers to more than the sexual relationship.

It includes that,

but also the emotional and spiritual aspects

of oneness are included.

Now, obviously,

this is not something that happens overnight.

It's a process.

You have to grow together,

work at growing together in oneness.

But this one flesh relationship,

it is the foundation for a healthy marriage.

And it also explains why God created marriage

in the first place.

I want you to look at Genesis 2.18.

We'll put it on the screen.

It says,

Then the Lord God said,

It is not good that the man should be alone.

I will make him a helper fit for him.

The only thing prior to the fall

that God said wasn't good,

and it was that the man was alone.

God created most people,

the overwhelming majority of people,

to not be complete alone,

to desire a spouse.

And by the way,

this is not the message this morning,

but under God's design,

there's only one definition of marriage.

It's between a man and a woman only,

exclusively.

Regardless of what the Supreme Court

of the United States says,

regardless of what becomes law today,

before God,

according to the truth of His Word,

marriage is intended for one man

and one woman only.

And the purpose

is companionship.

The reason,

the first reason given

for why God created marriage

here in 2.18,

companionship.

The first great purpose

of your marriage,

just think about your marriage,

is to provide companionship.

God intends for husbands and wives

to share life together

in a one flesh,

emotionally,

physically,

relationship.

A simple way to say this is,

God intends for you and your spouse

to be best friends.

Not only friends now.

Every man in here,

you need some more,

you need male friends.

Every woman in here,

you need female friends.

For sure.

And we can have friends

of the opposite sex,

but we can't have our best friend

of the opposite sex.

It's not healthy.

Unless it's your spouse.

And that's the goal

for your spouse

to be your best friend.

Now here's what I want to ask you.

In your relationship

with your spouse,

are you a real companion?

Does your spouse feel like

you are a real companion?

Or does your spouse

feel like

he or she

is living like

a single person

because of the way

that you treat them?

You know,

in some marriages,

the husband and wife

is more like a roommate

than a husband and wife.

In some marriages,

a husband and wife

share the same

living space.

But that's about

all they share.

They go their separate ways

day in and day out.

They have their own

separate friends.

They have their own

separate interests.

And they just basically

live as single people.

They're like buddies

with benefits.

There's no real

one flesh relationship

present or growing.

If that's where

your marriage is now,

you need to act now

and do something about it

to correct it.

And the place to begin

is to talk to God about it

and talk to your spouse

about it.

You may not think

it's a problem.

Ask your spouse.

Especially if you have

a lot of

or one particular

single guy friend

or another married guy

who lives like a single guy.

And you just do so much

with that person.

Most of your time

is spent outside of work

with that person.

Doing those fun things

you like to do

with that person.

You might need

to sort of stand back

and look at how

I live my life.

Who I'm really

investing in.

Where my time is going.

Where does your spouse

fit

as you think about that?

If you want to change

something,

it may be you've got

to prioritize

the people

and things

in your life

so that your spouse

will be

at the top of the list

right under your

relationship with God.

You should not let

anyone or anything

take your spouse's

rightful place

as being number one

on earth to you.

Developing this

one flesh relationship

as I said

it's not going to

happen tonight.

It's not going to

happen this week.

It's a process.

It's going to take time.

It's going to take

patience.

It's going to take

forgiveness from time

to time.

It's going to take

wisdom.

It's going to take

love.

Self-giving love

on the part

of both husband

and wife.

Let's look at the

next one.

Final one.

Number four.

The principle of

intimacy.

And the man and his

wife were both naked

and they were not

ashamed.

I want you to notice

that the principle of

intimacy is found

last in this passage.

The idea is that

the delights

of intimacy.

We're talking about

the sexual relationship

right here.

The delights of

intimacy between

a husband and wife

are enjoyed because

severance, permanence,

and unity

are in operation.

This little phrase

tells us two things.

First of all,

premarital sex is wrong.

I don't care what

everybody else is doing.

I don't care what

the culture just

expects nowadays.

The sexual relationship

is so special.

God created sex,

the sex drive.

It is a gift from

him, but it's so

special he designed

it to be enjoyed

between a husband

and wife only

in the context

of a marriage.

It is special.

It is important.

And you need to

wait if you're a

single person

until you

give yourself,

until you leave

your parents,

united to that

spouse,

and you're growing

in that one flesh

relationship in every

way.

Second thing this

little phrase tells

us is that

extramarital sex is

wrong.

First thing that

comes into mind,

adultery, it is

wrong.

The intimacy

between a husband

and wife is so

special and sacred

that this intimacy

must never be

violated.

Adultery is wrong,

it's sinful,

in every shape,

form, or fashion.

There are no

excuses.

But intimacy

between a husband

and wife cannot

be, can also be

destroyed in other

ways.

In this day

especially,

pornography

destroys a lot

of intimacy

between husbands

and wives.

men.

It's causing a lot

of problems in the

minds and hearts

of men.

It's doing a lot

of damage in our

culture, in our

homes, in these

kinds of, in our

husband-wife

relationships.

It's not good

and it's not

healthy to be

always flirting

around with

someone of the

opposite sex.

It is wrong,

Jesus said,

to look at a

person and lust.

You're committing

adultery in your

heart.

Emotional affairs

are sinful

mental endeavors.

I want to

encourage you,

guard your mind,

guard your heart.

Don't let anyone

or anything into

your mind, into

your body that

would interfere in

the relationship,

the special,

intimate relationship

that God wants you

to enjoy but

exclusively experience

with your spouse.

I want you to

understand this

morning that what

we're looking at is

God's idea.

marriage is God's

idea and He designed

it to work in a

certain way.

And if we will

patiently,

faithfully,

follow God's

design, we'll

have marriages,

we'll have homes

that are healthy

and for the most

part, happy.

You know, God is

still in the

business of

building marriages

or if necessary,

rebuilding them.

It may be that

as we've gone

through this passage

this morning,

you see some

cracks in the

pillars, these

four pillars of

your marriage.

And maybe just

one of them or

two of them.

I want to

encourage you to

acknowledge that.

Talk to God

about it.

Talk to your

spouse about it.

Ask them if they

see the same thing.

develop a plan of

action together

to work on the

severance, to work

on the intimacy,

to work on the

oneness, the

unity.

Make sure that

Jesus Christ is

your Lord.

Make sure that His

Spirit indwells you

because you need

His help to make

this work.

and make sure

Christ is the

Lord of your

home.

Make sure that

you're desirable

than anything else

is to develop

your marriage

according to the

way we've looked

at this morning.

No matter what

anyone else tells

you or whatever

or anything else

you read or see

or hear.

All of us

understand the

importance of

having a strong,

stable foundation

for everything that

we build.

If you've built

a house, you

know a great

effort was put

into laying a

good solid

foundation.

The house that

you live in now,

if it's got crawl

space, you can

crawl under there

and you can see

the foundation

that's been put

in place.

If you live on a

slab, you can see

the slab that's

been poured.

We all know and

understand the

importance of

having, building

our lives, our

homes, our

houses on a

solid foundation.

foundation.

Well, I want you

to know that even

more importantly,

your marriage, your

home, your

family, it needs

to be built on a

solid foundation.

And the place to

begin are with

these four pillars,

these four supports

that we looked at

this morning.

Severance,

permanence,

unity, and

intimacy.

Are these pillars

securely in place

in your marriage?

If they're not,

work on it with

God's help starting

today.

Let's pray together.

Father, help us to

see how we need to

respond as husbands

and wives to this

message.

Help us to see

clearly this is your

design and it's

the only design.

Father, show us

how things really

are.

Help us to talk

to our spouse

and make sure

that we both

understand

and are on the

same page about

each one of

these.

Lord, so work

in us that

we have this

strong foundation

for our marriage,

our home,

our family.

Help us to be the

right kind of

models for those

who are looking

at us.

Show us how we

should respond.

Help us to do it,

not just now,

but to carry out

the commitment

this afternoon,

this evening,

this week.

And then in

attitude of prayer,

let's just do that.

I'd be happy to pray

with you during this

time.

I'll be here at the

front.

But you listen to God

and you make the kind

of commitment that

needs to be made to

have a strong

foundation for your

marriage.

we'll be here at

ha.

Good night.

Amen.