Sermon

The Structure of a Healthy Home (Part 1): Husband-Wife Relationship

May 11, 2019 Pickens First Baptist Church

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How would you describe the structure of your home?
Now, first thing that goes through your mind with a question like that is something like brick or vinyl, wood, but that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm asking about something far more important, like the role of husbands and wives and parents and children.
This is the second of a series on building a healthy home.
We looked last week at the foundation for the healthy home.
Today we're going to look at the first part of the structure of a healthy home and focus on the relationship between husbands and wives.
We're going to turn to Ephesians chapter 5.

Ephesians 5 chapter mention
Really it's verses 21 through 33.
We're going to do this because this is the most extensive teaching in the New Testament on the role of husbands and wives.
From Ephesians 5.21 through chapter 6 verse 9, this is what is commonly referred to as the household code.
How to live together in a Christian home, various kinds of relationships.
I want us to begin with verse 21 because I think it's really vitally important to get this in our minds before we move into the details about wives and husbands.
Verse 21 talks about Christian relationships in general.
Look at it.
It's at the end of the paragraph in the ESV translation, in the New American Standard translation.
I'm going to be reading from the ESV.
The end of the paragraph, verse 21, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Now, some translations in this room, the next paragraph about wives and husbands, it begins, submit yourself to one another.
Or submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The NIV actually has it as a stand-alone sentence, sort of like its own paragraph.
And the reason for this is this verse 21 is what's called a bridge verse.
It concludes the preceding paragraph that's been talking about what it means to live a spirit-filled or spirit-controlled life.
It concludes what it means, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
And it also introduces the whole idea of Christian living in the home.
If we really want to have the best possible relationships in the home, we've got to have this mentality, I'm in that home to serve you.
Whether it be your wife, your husband, your parent, your child, whoever.
However, the idea is that when a Christian is filled or controlled by the Holy Spirit, he or she will seek to serve their family members.
And then Paul goes on beginning in verse 22 to describe how.
But I think John MacArthur gets us started well with his comment on verse 21.
Look at it with me.
He says Christian marriages and families are to be radically different from those of the world.
Let me pause here.
What we're talking about is the Christian home.
What we're talking about is God's design, even for today, for husband-wife relationships.
Look on.
The relationships between husbands and wives and parents and children is to be so bathed in humility, love, and mutual submission that the authority of husbands and parents, though exercised when necessary, become almost invisible.
And the submission of wives and children is no more than acting in the spirit of gracious love.
It's important that we begin here.
Now let's move on to the instructions to wives in verses 22 through 24.
Read with me.
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Now, I can tell that the blood pressure has risen in some women out here right now.
So let's go right to that word that got you all stirred up in verse 22.
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.
It's important that we understand what this word does and does not mean.
As we go through this message this morning, you're going to detect that I'm trying to emphasize what the scripture does say and what it does not say.
And I'm really going to focus in on the responsibilities of husbands, which is what the majority of this whole section is all about to begin with.
It's important that we understand what the word submit here does not mean.
Number one, it does not mean obey.
In chapter 6, children are told to obey their parents.
Slaves are told to obey their masters.
Paul knows the word obey.
He uses it in this big context.
But he does not use the word obey to describe how wives should respond to their husbands.
Number two, submission does not mean doing whatever a husband demands.
A wife should not, hear this, a wife should never submit to the demand of a husband that would cause her to sin.
Wives should have the same attitude as the apostles when they refused to submit to the Jewish authorities in Jerusalem who told them,
do not preach about Jesus anymore.
Do not talk about the resurrection of Jesus anymore.
Therefore, they were the duly appointed authorities.
But the apostles looked at them and said, we must obey God rather than men.
That's in Acts 5.
A wife should not submit to a husband who would abuse her or her children.
Let me emphasize that.
Women in this room,
You do not have to remain in an abusive situation, you or your children,
and think it's a part of your Christian responsibility.
It is not.
Paul did not submit himself to abuse by Roman authorities when possible.
What he did is he exercised his rights as a Roman citizen.
You can read in Acts 16,
how Paul actually pitched a fit
because he had been mistreated.
He had been beaten without a trial, without any charges really.
He was a Roman citizen.
He demanded recourse and he got it by the officials.
There was another case where Paul,
he didn't just cave in.
He spoke up, told him, I'm a Roman citizen.
And in that society, a Roman citizen had certain rights
and could not be abused,
could not be beaten as they wanted to do him.
So we have in Scripture
examples of Christian leaders
refusing to submit
submit to anyone
who might cause them,
try to get them to sin
or who was going to abuse them,
harm them in any way.
Submit does not mean that.
Understand that clearly.
Well, what does it mean?
It means she must voluntarily
choose
to submit to her husband's leadership
because the word for submit here
means voluntary submission.
It could be translated,
wives, submit yourselves.
I want every husband in this room to understand,
you must not,
you have no grounds,
biblically speaking,
to ever look at your wife and say,
do you know it's your responsibility to submit to me?
This would not be right,
but she ought to just jack your jaw if you do that.
That would not be right now.
That would not be right.
You can't abuse him just like he can't abuse you.
But I just want to point out,
some men
like to quote this verse to their wife.
Such a man is an idiot.
He really is.
And if that's you,
you are an idiot with a capital I.
If that's how you talk to your wife,
I want you to hear that.
This is part of a Christian's wife,
this is part of a Christian's,
Christian wife's responsibility
to the Lord.
Look at it.
Wives, submit to your own husbands
as to the Lord.
She doesn't submit to her husband
as if he's the Lord.
She submits as a part of
her commitment to Christ.
A part of her being faithful to him
is she follows these instructions.
Some wives are married to men
who are not worthy of her submission
for various reasons.
But ladies, don't jump up and say,
that's me, okay?
Don't embarrass him here.
It wouldn't serve a good purpose.
The truth is,
he may know
that he's not worthy.
He may know.
He may feel very uncomfortable right now
because he knows of some of the ways
he acts or talks to you.
And he is not worthy of your submission.
So here's what you need to do.
Keep in mind
that he is,
that you're not ultimately
submitting to him.
Ultimately, according to this passage,
you're doing this
as if you're working for the Lord.
And God will honor that
as you are doing it unto him.
Now, there's another reason given
for why wives are to submit.
Look at verse 23.
For the husband is the head of the wife
even as Christ is the head of the church,
his body,
and is himself its savior.
God has assigned husbands
with the responsibility
of being the leader in the home.
That's what the passage is saying.
But this does not mean
that the husband is superior
to his wife in any way.
Both men and women
are created equally
in the image of God.
Most of you know that.
As a reminder,
look at what it says in Genesis 1.
So God created man
in his own image.
In the image of God,
he created him.
Male and female,
he created them.
That tells us
all human beings
are of equal worth,
value,
dignity,
respect,
honor.
All human beings.
Everybody in your home
created in the image of God.
Therefore,
it's wrong to think
of the idea
of being submissive
as a put down
to women,
of women,
as if they were somehow
inferior.
That is not
even implied
in what is being taught here.
We're going to come back
to this verse
at the end of the message.
Let's move on now
to the responsibility
of husbands.
And this is where
you have the lengthiest
discussion.
Look in verse 25.
Husbands,
love your wives
as Christ loved the church
and gave himself
up for her
that he might
sanctify her
having cleansed her
by the washing
of water with the word
so that he might
present the church
to himself
in splendor
without spot
or wrinkle
or any such thing
that she might be holy
and without blemish.
In the same way,
husbands should love
their wives
as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife
loves himself.
For no one ever hated
his own flesh,
his own body,
but nourishes
and cherishes it
just as Christ
does the church
because we are members
of his body.
Therefore,
this is what we looked at
last week in detail.
A man shall leave
his father and mother
and hold fast
to his wife
and the two shall become
one flesh.
This mystery
is profound
and I'm saying
that it refers
to Christ
and the church.
However,
let each one of you
love his wife
as himself
and let the wife
see that she respects
her husband.
Now,
I want you to note,
men,
there's a whole lot
more ink
being spilled here
about you
and the major point,
I know you didn't miss it,
you are to love
your wife.
The major point
and what we just
then read is
make loving your wife
your priority.
Look at these examples.
Look again,
verse 25,
husbands love your wives
as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up
for her.
Verse 28,
in the same way,
husbands should love
their wives
as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife
loves himself.
Verse 33,
the first part,
however,
let each of you
love his wife
as himself.
When you go home today,
men,
I hope men and women,
husbands,
wives,
you'll discuss this.
But I hope men,
you will be honest
and your discussion
will focus on
what's most emphasized here,
you loving your wife.
note two examples
of how husbands
are to love their wives
in these verses.
Number one,
a husband should love
his wife
the way Christ
loved the church.
What kind of love
is that?
Well,
it's obvious.
Jesus gave his life.
We're talking about
a self-giving love,
a sacrificial love here.
Giving your all.
That's what Jesus did
for the church.
Look at the next point.
A husband should also
love his wife
as he loves himself.
Paul says,
but Christ nourishes
and cherishes the church
because the church
is a part of his body.
One of the ways,
some of the ways
the New Testament
describes the church
and Jesus,
he's the head,
we're the body.
Sometimes we're just
simply called
the body of Christ.
Christ loves the church,
his people,
his body.
He gave himself.
That is our model.
A husband should love
his wife
as he loves himself.
A husband should love
and take care of his wife
just as he takes care
of himself.
And we do like
to take care of ourselves,
don't we guys?
We take care of ourselves,
we take care of our stuff.
Some of you
might have been late
coming to church today.
Some of you
were close to being late.
And I bet if we took a poll,
it wasn't because
the wife
was running behind
taking care of herself.
There's a lot of men in here,
you spend a whole lot of time
taking care of yourself
because that's just
what you do.
That's what we do
as men.
We look out for ourselves.
Paul is not commending that.
He's just talking about
that's just the way
that it is.
But here's the real point.
In a marriage relationship,
he talks about,
he quoted it.
Well, we looked at last week.
When you get married,
husband and wife,
you're no longer two,
but one.
That's God's design.
We become one flesh.
And so,
in taking care of our wife,
like we take care of ourself,
you see how it fits.
We're one.
And just as we take care
of ourselves,
we take care of her.
Now, let's apply this.
Let's apply what Paul says
about a husband loving your wife.
Men,
what would you do
if you woke up in the night
tonight
and you heard
what sounded like
somebody trying to
break in your back door?
What would you do?
You wouldn't punch your wife
and tell her
to go check it out,
would you?
No.
At least you wouldn't admit it.
What you would do
if you were any kind of a man
is you'd get your gun,
which you ought to have,
and you would go
and check it out
and you would tell her
to stay here
and call 911
and get the other gun.
Because if he gets through me,
you're going to take care of him.
Right?
That's what you do, men.
There's not a man in this room,
I don't believe,
well, there may be,
I've seen one or two
squirrely guys here
that you might would do this.
There's not a man in this room
who would not willingly
give up his life
to protect his wife.
That's just what men do.
That's what men,
since the beginning of time,
have been taught to do.
And if you don't hear that
anywhere else,
you're going to hear it today.
That's what you,
if you're a man,
what you're supposed to do.
Young guys,
you are supposed
to take care of your wife.
She's supposed to be first.
You're supposed to do
whatever it takes
to take care of her,
provide for her,
protect her.
That's your God-assigned
responsibility.
But let me ask husbands,
you'll die for her.
Are you willing
to give up a ball game,
a hunting trip,
or a golf outing,
in order to do
something special
with your wife
that you know
she really wants to do
at the time
you had the other thing planned?
Do you?
Are you willing
to give up an evening
or a Saturday
to take care
of your little children
and let your wife
have the day
or the night off?
do you?
We're not talking
about hypothetical things.
What do you do
to show your wife
your love,
sacrificial love,
self-giving love,
like the Word of God
tells us we're supposed
to do?
One of the best examples
I've ever heard of
of a husband loving his wife
as Christ loved the church
and as he loves his own body
was demonstrated
by the theologian
Wayne Grudem.
A lot of you know him,
even have his books.
We've studied them here.
Several years ago
he moved from Chicago
to Arizona
all for his wife.
He described the process
in an interview.
I want to read it to you.
It's not going to be
on the screen.
I'm going to read it quick
and you listen carefully.
Grudem says,
We moved to Phoenix Seminary
in Arizona in 2001
primarily because
of Margaret's health.
She had been experiencing
chronic pain
after an auto accident
a number of years earlier
and we found
that the pain
was aggravated
by cold and humidity.
Well, the Chicago area
is cold in the winter
and humid in the summer.
After a couple of trips
to Arizona,
which is hot and dry,
we realized that Margaret
felt much better there.
So I phoned the academic dean
at Phoenix Seminary
and asked if there might be
possibly a job opportunity
there for me.
He says,
I'm thankful to the Lord
that when we were making
a decision about
whether to move to Phoenix,
on the very day
we were talking about it
and praying about it,
I came to Ephesians 5.28
in my regularly scheduled
Bible reading
and the Lord used this verse
strongly in my own
decision process.
Here's the verse.
In the same way, husbands,
in the same way,
husbands should love
their wives as Christ's,
as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife
loves himself.
Grudem says,
after reading that,
I thought it was important
for me to move
for the sake of Margaret's
physical body,
her physical health.
Now, what Grudem did not say
in the interview
is that when he moved
from Chicago,
he moved from
one of the leading
theological schools
in this country,
Trinity Evangelical
Divinity School.
He moved from there.
He had arrived
professionally
by being on the faculty
there.
But he moved
to Phoenix Seminary,
a place that no one
had ever heard of,
a place that was
just sort of like
in the big scheme
of things
on the backside
of nowhere.
Grudem's leaving
Trinity to go to Phoenix
would be like
Dabo Swinney
stepping down
as head coach
at Clemson
to go to North
Greenville University
as head coach.
Nothing wrong
with North Greenville,
but it's a big fall
from Clemson
to North Greenville
when it comes to football.
I say all that to say,
Grudem is an example
of how husbands
are to love their wives.
It's self-giving.
It's sacrificial.
It's do whatever's best
for her kind of love.
Now with this understanding
about husbands
are to love their wives,
we can now get
a better understanding
of what it means
for a husband
to be the head
of the wife
and the leader
of his home
that we started out
in verses 23 and 24.
A husband's leadership
must never be bossy,
demanding,
threatening,
intimidating,
those kind of things.
Christian leaders
don't lead
by driving people.
A husband's leadership
is more like
taking his wife
by the hand
and lovingly
guiding her.
A Christian's husband,
put it another way,
is servant leadership.
That's how Jesus described
Christian leadership
in general.
Look at me,
look at this passage
if you would,
from Mark 10.
And Jesus called them
to him and said to him,
talking to his disciples,
you know that those
who are considered
rulers of the Gentiles
lord it over them
and their great ones
exercise authority
over them,
but it shall not
be so among you.
But whoever would be
great among you
must be your servant
and whoever would be
first among you
must be slave of all.
For even the son of man,
talking about himself,
came not to be served,
but to serve
and to give his life
as a ransom for many.
I want you to understand,
servant leadership
is not passive leadership.
Servant leadership
is not an unwillingness
to step up
and do what you're
supposed to do.
Servant leadership
is real leadership.
It is effective leadership.
In fact,
there's no better example
of an effective leader
than Jesus Christ.
What he started
2,000 years ago
in his earthly ministry
continues on and on.
We're here
because of the effectiveness
of his leadership.
What will it look like
when husbands leave
and wives submit
as we're looking at
this morning?
Well, it's going to vary
from home to home.
We're all different.
Men in this room,
we're all different.
Wives are all different.
And each couple in here,
we have our own uniqueness.
So it's going to vary.
But here's what it doesn't mean.
It does not mean
that the husband
makes all the decisions.
I want you to understand.
A Christian husband
fulfilling his responsibility
as the leader of the home
does not make
all the decisions.
Ideally,
husbands and wives
need to come
to mutual decisions.
And listen to this.
And the one
with the most expertise
about any given matter
should take the lead
in that matter.
A wise husband
leader
knows when to listen
to his wife.
Knows that she knows
some things
that he doesn't.
Knows that she has
more experience
or wisdom
than he does
about certain things.
Lisa and I
have been married
for almost 41 years.
We got married
when we were 10.
In all these years
we have never made
a major decision
that we did not agree on.
In some decisions
Lisa has
had the most
input
because
she knew more.
She had the more
or the most expertise
in the matter.
And then sometimes
she lets me decide.
You're a little bit slow.
Now here's
an important point.
We're talking about
the way you
make decisions
together.
When a decision
is made
it is vitally
important
that you consider
that a
we
W-E
we
decision.
If it turns
out well
we
succeeded.
If it turns
out bad
we
fail.
Never
blame
your spouse
when you
make bad
decisions
as a couple.
Never
throw it up
later on
the bad
decision
that he
or she
made.
there's
a lot
of
wives
in this
room
that
your
main
frustration
is
your
husband
won't
make
a
decision.
It's
not that
he
wants
to be
the
boss
he
won't
make
any
decision.
We're
going to
address
that
a little
bit
more
in a
moment.
But I
want to
ask
you
did
your
husband
used
to
make
more
decisions
try
harder
but you
always
blamed
him
when
something
went
wrong?
you
always
threw
it
back
up
to
him
a
year
two
years
later
about
that
which
went
wrong?
It
may
be
he
doesn't
make
the
decisions
that
he
used
to
make
because
he
just
doesn't
want
to
listen
to
the
complaining
and
the
blame
anymore.
And
it
could
go
both
ways.
It
can
go
both
ways.
In
a
Christian
home
God
intends
for
wives
to
submit
to
her
husband's
loving
leadership
as a
part of
her
commitment
to
the
Lord.
Wives
are you
seeking
to do
this?
If
not
what
needs
to
change?
Are
you
fighting
your
husband
for the
role
of the
primary
leader
to be
the
primary
leader
of
your
home?
Is
that
the
problem?
I
want
you
to
understand
I
tried
to
point
out
what
submission
does
and
does
not
mean
but
no
matter
how
you
cut
it
God's
design
is
for
the
husband
to
be
the
loving
servant
leader
of
the
home.
Don't
fight
that.
That's
not
archaic.
The
word
of
God
is
not
changed.
But
at the
same
time
wives
don't
be
a
doormat.
Don't
take
abuse.
Don't
do
what
you
know
is
wrong.
Encourage
your
husband.
Encourage
your
husband
especially
if he
needs
encouragement
to lead
to make
decisions.
Encourage
him as
you follow
his
leadership.
It may
be you
have to
take
small
baby
steps
to start
with
and get
him
to start
leading
help
him
to do
that.
support
him
with
your
gifts
and
talents
and
wisdom.
And
men
don't
be
intimidated
by your
wife's
abilities
especially
in the
areas where
she just
knows
more,
has more
experience,
just wiser
than you.
Look at
that as
a gift
from
God
to you.
Think
about
husbands
and
wives.
When we
come together,
we're
married,
we become
one flesh,
her
strengths,
his
strengths,
they become
our
strengths.
Don't
be jealous,
be thankful
because she
makes you
better.
He
makes you
better.
That's the
way God
designed it
to be.
Listen
to him.
Listen
to her.
Lead
together.
Husbands,
are you
seeking to
be this
kind of
leader?
What we're
looking at
this morning,
if not,
what needs
to change
about what
you're
doing?
Are you
too
passive?
Are you
too
uninvolved?
That is
one of the
primary
problems in
a lot of
marriages.
It's not
that the
husband's
dictatorial.
It's not
that he
wants to
do
everything,
make all
decisions.
A lot
of the
problems
is men
are lazy.
Men
are out
of touch.
Men
are distant.
Men are
just selfish,
taking care of
themselves,
and they
expect the
wife to do
all the
things that
have to be
done with
the children.
They expect
the wife to
do everything
to take care
of the
home,
and in
some
situations,
pay all
the bills
and do
everything.
If you're
that way as a
husband,
you're a
bum.
You are
failing your
God-given
responsibility to
be the
spiritual,
servant,
loving,
leader who
leads in
your home.
Now,
of course,
some men
are too
harsh,
too
dictatorial,
too stupid
to know they
need to
listen and
not say
something all
the time,
not make all
the decisions.
If that's
you,
confess what
sin needs to
be confessed
to God and
to your wife
and maybe your
children.
talk to
your spouse,
talk with
your spouse,
dialogue,
renew some
commitments,
take on
your God-assigned
responsibilities.
Husbands and
wives,
what we've
looked at is
the God-designed
structure of a
Christian home.
accept it,
don't fight
against it,
accept it,
and do your
part to make
it a home that
pleases God,
your spouse,
and yourself.
Pray for your
spouse to do
the same.
Don't preach to
your spouse.
Pray for your
spouse,
and pray for
yourself.
Ask God to
help you to do
your part to
make living in
your home,
a peaceful,
pleasant,
joyful experience
for everybody
involved.
You want,
as a loving
leader,
men,
you want
it to be that
way for your
spouse.
Wives,
you want it
to be that
way for your
husband.
Talk to God,
seek His
help,
talk to each
other,
and work
to either
build or
rebuild
this God-given
structure for
your husband-wife
relationship.
Let's pray
together.
Dear God,
show us how we
should respond now
to what you've
said through your
word and your
spirit to us.
Father, for some
people, they
have been
affirmed because
they're seeking to
do it your way.
No one does it
perfectly.
But Father, I pray
that you will just
affirm and
encourage those who
are seeking to be
faithful to you and
their spouse and
their family in all
this.
Father, for those who
have failed for
whatever reason,
maybe never started,
maybe started, but
stopped, convict them,
to come back to
you in a renewed
commitment, to seek
your help to change,
to humble themselves
before their spouse,
and seek forgiveness,
seek help, seek
dialogue.
Father, I pray for
every single person in
this room.
Help them to see that
this is what you
intend for husband-wife
relationships.
Help them to seek to
be that kind of
husband, that kind of
wife.
And help them, dear God,
to only look for a
husband or wife who
will accept your word
and seek your help to
put it into practice.
show us all how to
respond.
And Lord, if there are
people in this room who
are not Christians, help
them to see that this
can never take place
until they come to know
Jesus as their Lord and
Savior and are filled
with His Spirit.
Father, help Christians in
this room to know that
this will never happen if
they're not seeking to be
sensitive to the Holy
Spirit and obedient to His
leadership, seeking your
help to do the kind of
things necessary day in
and day out to have the
healthy home you intend
for them to have.
So just in an attitude of
prayer, let's all just
listen to the Lord and
respond to Him.
I'd be happy to pray with
you here at the front
during this time if you
want to come as musicians
play just for the next
few minutes.
Amen.