The Structure of a Healthy Home (Part 1): Husband-Wife Relationship

How would you describe the structure of your home?

Now, first thing that goes through your mind with a question like that is something like brick or vinyl, wood, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm asking about something far more important, like the role of husbands and wives and parents and children.

This is the second of a series on building a healthy home.

We looked last week at the foundation for the healthy home.

Today we're going to look at the first part of the structure of a healthy home and focus on the relationship between husbands and wives.

We're going to turn to Ephesians chapter 5.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

Really it's verses 21 through 33.

We're going to do this because this is the most extensive teaching in the New Testament on the role of husbands and wives.

From Ephesians 5.21 through chapter 6 verse 9, this is what is commonly referred to as the household code.

How to live together in a Christian home, various kinds of relationships.

I want us to begin with verse 21 because I think it's really vitally important to get this in our minds before we move into the details about wives and husbands.

Verse 21 talks about Christian relationships in general.

Look at it.

It's at the end of the paragraph in the ESV translation, in the New American Standard translation.

I'm going to be reading from the ESV.

The end of the paragraph, verse 21, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Now, some translations in this room, the next paragraph about wives and husbands, it begins, submit yourself to one another.

Or submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The NIV actually has it as a stand-alone sentence, sort of like its own paragraph.

And the reason for this is this verse 21 is what's called a bridge verse.

It concludes the preceding paragraph that's been talking about what it means to live a spirit-filled or spirit-controlled life.

It concludes what it means, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

And it also introduces the whole idea of Christian living in the home.

If we really want to have the best possible relationships in the home, we've got to have this mentality, I'm in that home to serve you.

Whether it be your wife, your husband, your parent, your child, whoever.

However, the idea is that when a Christian is filled or controlled by the Holy Spirit, he or she will seek to serve their family members.

And then Paul goes on beginning in verse 22 to describe how.

But I think John MacArthur gets us started well with his comment on verse 21.

Look at it with me.

He says Christian marriages and families are to be radically different from those of the world.

Let me pause here.

What we're talking about is the Christian home.

What we're talking about is God's design, even for today, for husband-wife relationships.

Look on.

The relationships between husbands and wives and parents and children is to be so bathed in humility, love, and mutual submission that the authority of husbands and parents, though exercised when necessary, become almost invisible.

And the submission of wives and children is no more than acting in the spirit of gracious love.

It's important that we begin here.

Now let's move on to the instructions to wives in verses 22 through 24.

Read with me.

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Now, I can tell that the blood pressure has risen in some women out here right now.

So let's go right to that word that got you all stirred up in verse 22.

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

It's important that we understand what this word does and does not mean.

As we go through this message this morning, you're going to detect that I'm trying to emphasize what the scripture does say and what it does not say.

And I'm really going to focus in on the responsibilities of husbands, which is what the majority of this whole section is all about to begin with.

It's important that we understand what the word submit here does not mean.

Number one, it does not mean obey.

In chapter 6, children are told to obey their parents.

Slaves are told to obey their masters.

Paul knows the word obey.

He uses it in this big context.

But he does not use the word obey to describe how wives should respond to their husbands.

Number two, submission does not mean doing whatever a husband demands.

A wife should not, hear this, a wife should never submit to the demand of a husband that would cause her to sin.

Wives should have the same attitude as the apostles when they refused to submit to the Jewish authorities in Jerusalem who told them,

do not preach about Jesus anymore.

Do not talk about the resurrection of Jesus anymore.

Therefore, they were the duly appointed authorities.

But the apostles looked at them and said, we must obey God rather than men.

That's in Acts 5.

A wife should not submit to a husband who would abuse her or her children.

Let me emphasize that.

Women in this room,

You do not have to remain in an abusive situation, you or your children,

and think it's a part of your Christian responsibility.

It is not.

Paul did not submit himself to abuse by Roman authorities when possible.

What he did is he exercised his rights as a Roman citizen.

You can read in Acts 16,

how Paul actually pitched a fit

because he had been mistreated.

He had been beaten without a trial, without any charges really.

He was a Roman citizen.

He demanded recourse and he got it by the officials.

There was another case where Paul,

he didn't just cave in.

He spoke up, told him, I'm a Roman citizen.

And in that society, a Roman citizen had certain rights

and could not be abused,

could not be beaten as they wanted to do him.

So we have in Scripture

examples of Christian leaders

refusing to submit

submit to anyone

who might cause them,

try to get them to sin

or who was going to abuse them,

harm them in any way.

Submit does not mean that.

Understand that clearly.

Well, what does it mean?

It means she must voluntarily

choose

to submit to her husband's leadership

because the word for submit here

means voluntary submission.

It could be translated,

wives, submit yourselves.

I want every husband in this room to understand,

you must not,

you have no grounds,

biblically speaking,

to ever look at your wife and say,

do you know it's your responsibility to submit to me?

This would not be right,

but she ought to just jack your jaw if you do that.

That would not be right now.

That would not be right.

You can't abuse him just like he can't abuse you.

But I just want to point out,

some men

like to quote this verse to their wife.

Such a man is an idiot.

He really is.

And if that's you,

you are an idiot with a capital I.

If that's how you talk to your wife,

I want you to hear that.

This is part of a Christian's wife,

this is part of a Christian's,

Christian wife's responsibility

to the Lord.

Look at it.

Wives, submit to your own husbands

as to the Lord.

She doesn't submit to her husband

as if he's the Lord.

She submits as a part of

her commitment to Christ.

A part of her being faithful to him

is she follows these instructions.

Some wives are married to men

who are not worthy of her submission

for various reasons.

But ladies, don't jump up and say,

that's me, okay?

Don't embarrass him here.

It wouldn't serve a good purpose.

The truth is,

he may know

that he's not worthy.

He may know.

He may feel very uncomfortable right now

because he knows of some of the ways

he acts or talks to you.

And he is not worthy of your submission.

So here's what you need to do.

Keep in mind

that he is,

that you're not ultimately

submitting to him.

Ultimately, according to this passage,

you're doing this

as if you're working for the Lord.

And God will honor that

as you are doing it unto him.

Now, there's another reason given

for why wives are to submit.

Look at verse 23.

For the husband is the head of the wife

even as Christ is the head of the church,

his body,

and is himself its savior.

God has assigned husbands

with the responsibility

of being the leader in the home.

That's what the passage is saying.

But this does not mean

that the husband is superior

to his wife in any way.

Both men and women

are created equally

in the image of God.

Most of you know that.

As a reminder,

look at what it says in Genesis 1.

So God created man

in his own image.

In the image of God,

he created him.

Male and female,

he created them.

That tells us

all human beings

are of equal worth,

value,

dignity,

respect,

honor.

All human beings.

Everybody in your home

created in the image of God.

Therefore,

it's wrong to think

of the idea

of being submissive

as a put down

to women,

of women,

as if they were somehow

inferior.

That is not

even implied

in what is being taught here.

We're going to come back

to this verse

at the end of the message.

Let's move on now

to the responsibility

of husbands.

And this is where

you have the lengthiest

discussion.

Look in verse 25.

Husbands,

love your wives

as Christ loved the church

and gave himself

up for her

that he might

sanctify her

having cleansed her

by the washing

of water with the word

so that he might

present the church

to himself

in splendor

without spot

or wrinkle

or any such thing

that she might be holy

and without blemish.

In the same way,

husbands should love

their wives

as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife

loves himself.

For no one ever hated

his own flesh,

his own body,

but nourishes

and cherishes it

just as Christ

does the church

because we are members

of his body.

Therefore,

this is what we looked at

last week in detail.

A man shall leave

his father and mother

and hold fast

to his wife

and the two shall become

one flesh.

This mystery

is profound

and I'm saying

that it refers

to Christ

and the church.

However,

let each one of you

love his wife

as himself

and let the wife

see that she respects

her husband.

Now,

I want you to note,

men,

there's a whole lot

more ink

being spilled here

about you

and the major point,

I know you didn't miss it,

you are to love

your wife.

The major point

and what we just

then read is

make loving your wife

your priority.

Look at these examples.

Look again,

verse 25,

husbands love your wives

as Christ loved the church

and gave himself up

for her.

Verse 28,

in the same way,

husbands should love

their wives

as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife

loves himself.

Verse 33,

the first part,

however,

let each of you

love his wife

as himself.

When you go home today,

men,

I hope men and women,

husbands,

wives,

you'll discuss this.

But I hope men,

you will be honest

and your discussion

will focus on

what's most emphasized here,

you loving your wife.

note two examples

of how husbands

are to love their wives

in these verses.

Number one,

a husband should love

his wife

the way Christ

loved the church.

What kind of love

is that?

Well,

it's obvious.

Jesus gave his life.

We're talking about

a self-giving love,

a sacrificial love here.

Giving your all.

That's what Jesus did

for the church.

Look at the next point.

A husband should also

love his wife

as he loves himself.

Paul says,

but Christ nourishes

and cherishes the church

because the church

is a part of his body.

One of the ways,

some of the ways

the New Testament

describes the church

and Jesus,

he's the head,

we're the body.

Sometimes we're just

simply called

the body of Christ.

Christ loves the church,

his people,

his body.

He gave himself.

That is our model.

A husband should love

his wife

as he loves himself.

A husband should love

and take care of his wife

just as he takes care

of himself.

And we do like

to take care of ourselves,

don't we guys?

We take care of ourselves,

we take care of our stuff.

Some of you

might have been late

coming to church today.

Some of you

were close to being late.

And I bet if we took a poll,

it wasn't because

the wife

was running behind

taking care of herself.

There's a lot of men in here,

you spend a whole lot of time

taking care of yourself

because that's just

what you do.

That's what we do

as men.

We look out for ourselves.

Paul is not commending that.

He's just talking about

that's just the way

that it is.

But here's the real point.

In a marriage relationship,

he talks about,

he quoted it.

Well, we looked at last week.

When you get married,

husband and wife,

you're no longer two,

but one.

That's God's design.

We become one flesh.

And so,

in taking care of our wife,

like we take care of ourself,

you see how it fits.

We're one.

And just as we take care

of ourselves,

we take care of her.

Now, let's apply this.

Let's apply what Paul says

about a husband loving your wife.

Men,

what would you do

if you woke up in the night

tonight

and you heard

what sounded like

somebody trying to

break in your back door?

What would you do?

You wouldn't punch your wife

and tell her

to go check it out,

would you?

No.

At least you wouldn't admit it.

What you would do

if you were any kind of a man

is you'd get your gun,

which you ought to have,

and you would go

and check it out

and you would tell her

to stay here

and call 911

and get the other gun.

Because if he gets through me,

you're going to take care of him.

Right?

That's what you do, men.

There's not a man in this room,

I don't believe,

well, there may be,

I've seen one or two

squirrely guys here

that you might would do this.

There's not a man in this room

who would not willingly

give up his life

to protect his wife.

That's just what men do.

That's what men,

since the beginning of time,

have been taught to do.

And if you don't hear that

anywhere else,

you're going to hear it today.

That's what you,

if you're a man,

what you're supposed to do.

Young guys,

you are supposed

to take care of your wife.

She's supposed to be first.

You're supposed to do

whatever it takes

to take care of her,

provide for her,

protect her.

That's your God-assigned

responsibility.

But let me ask husbands,

you'll die for her.

Are you willing

to give up a ball game,

a hunting trip,

or a golf outing,

in order to do

something special

with your wife

that you know

she really wants to do

at the time

you had the other thing planned?

Do you?

Are you willing

to give up an evening

or a Saturday

to take care

of your little children

and let your wife

have the day

or the night off?

do you?

We're not talking

about hypothetical things.

What do you do

to show your wife

your love,

sacrificial love,

self-giving love,

like the Word of God

tells us we're supposed

to do?

One of the best examples

I've ever heard of

of a husband loving his wife

as Christ loved the church

and as he loves his own body

was demonstrated

by the theologian

Wayne Grudem.

A lot of you know him,

even have his books.

We've studied them here.

Several years ago

he moved from Chicago

to Arizona

all for his wife.

He described the process

in an interview.

I want to read it to you.

It's not going to be

on the screen.

I'm going to read it quick

and you listen carefully.

Grudem says,

We moved to Phoenix Seminary

in Arizona in 2001

primarily because

of Margaret's health.

She had been experiencing

chronic pain

after an auto accident

a number of years earlier

and we found

that the pain

was aggravated

by cold and humidity.

Well, the Chicago area

is cold in the winter

and humid in the summer.

After a couple of trips

to Arizona,

which is hot and dry,

we realized that Margaret

felt much better there.

So I phoned the academic dean

at Phoenix Seminary

and asked if there might be

possibly a job opportunity

there for me.

He says,

I'm thankful to the Lord

that when we were making

a decision about

whether to move to Phoenix,

on the very day

we were talking about it

and praying about it,

I came to Ephesians 5.28

in my regularly scheduled

Bible reading

and the Lord used this verse

strongly in my own

decision process.

Here's the verse.

In the same way, husbands,

in the same way,

husbands should love

their wives as Christ's,

as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife

loves himself.

Grudem says,

after reading that,

I thought it was important

for me to move

for the sake of Margaret's

physical body,

her physical health.

Now, what Grudem did not say

in the interview

is that when he moved

from Chicago,

he moved from

one of the leading

theological schools

in this country,

Trinity Evangelical

Divinity School.

He moved from there.

He had arrived

professionally

by being on the faculty

there.

But he moved

to Phoenix Seminary,

a place that no one

had ever heard of,

a place that was

just sort of like

in the big scheme

of things

on the backside

of nowhere.

Grudem's leaving

Trinity to go to Phoenix

would be like

Dabo Swinney

stepping down

as head coach

at Clemson

to go to North

Greenville University

as head coach.

Nothing wrong

with North Greenville,

but it's a big fall

from Clemson

to North Greenville

when it comes to football.

I say all that to say,

Grudem is an example

of how husbands

are to love their wives.

It's self-giving.

It's sacrificial.

It's do whatever's best

for her kind of love.

Now with this understanding

about husbands

are to love their wives,

we can now get

a better understanding

of what it means

for a husband

to be the head

of the wife

and the leader

of his home

that we started out

in verses 23 and 24.

A husband's leadership

must never be bossy,

demanding,

threatening,

intimidating,

those kind of things.

Christian leaders

don't lead

by driving people.

A husband's leadership

is more like

taking his wife

by the hand

and lovingly

guiding her.

A Christian's husband,

put it another way,

is servant leadership.

That's how Jesus described

Christian leadership

in general.

Look at me,

look at this passage

if you would,

from Mark 10.

And Jesus called them

to him and said to him,

talking to his disciples,

you know that those

who are considered

rulers of the Gentiles

lord it over them

and their great ones

exercise authority

over them,

but it shall not

be so among you.

But whoever would be

great among you

must be your servant

and whoever would be

first among you

must be slave of all.

For even the son of man,

talking about himself,

came not to be served,

but to serve

and to give his life

as a ransom for many.

I want you to understand,

servant leadership

is not passive leadership.

Servant leadership

is not an unwillingness

to step up

and do what you're

supposed to do.

Servant leadership

is real leadership.

It is effective leadership.

In fact,

there's no better example

of an effective leader

than Jesus Christ.

What he started

2,000 years ago

in his earthly ministry

continues on and on.

We're here

because of the effectiveness

of his leadership.

What will it look like

when husbands leave

and wives submit

as we're looking at

this morning?

Well, it's going to vary

from home to home.

We're all different.

Men in this room,

we're all different.

Wives are all different.

And each couple in here,

we have our own uniqueness.

So it's going to vary.

But here's what it doesn't mean.

It does not mean

that the husband

makes all the decisions.

I want you to understand.

A Christian husband

fulfilling his responsibility

as the leader of the home

does not make

all the decisions.

Ideally,

husbands and wives

need to come

to mutual decisions.

And listen to this.

And the one

with the most expertise

about any given matter

should take the lead

in that matter.

A wise husband

leader

knows when to listen

to his wife.

Knows that she knows

some things

that he doesn't.

Knows that she has

more experience

or wisdom

than he does

about certain things.

Lisa and I

have been married

for almost 41 years.

We got married

when we were 10.

In all these years

we have never made

a major decision

that we did not agree on.

In some decisions

Lisa has

had the most

input

because

she knew more.

She had the more

or the most expertise

in the matter.

And then sometimes

she lets me decide.

You're a little bit slow.

Now here's

an important point.

We're talking about

the way you

make decisions

together.

When a decision

is made

it is vitally

important

that you consider

that a

we

W-E

we

decision.

If it turns

out well

we

succeeded.

If it turns

out bad

we

fail.

Never

blame

your spouse

when you

make bad

decisions

as a couple.

Never

throw it up

later on

the bad

decision

that he

or she

made.

there's

a lot

of

wives

in this

room

that

your

main

frustration

is

your

husband

won't

make

a

decision.

It's

not that

he

wants

to be

the

boss

he

won't

make

any

decision.

We're

going to

address

that

a little

bit

more

in a

moment.

But I

want to

ask

you

did

your

husband

used

to

make

more

decisions

try

harder

but you

always

blamed

him

when

something

went

wrong?

you

always

threw

it

back

up

to

him

a

year

two

years

later

about

that

which

went

wrong?

It

may

be

he

doesn't

make

the

decisions

that

he

used

to

make

because

he

just

doesn't

want

to

listen

to

the

complaining

and

the

blame

anymore.

And

it

could

go

both

ways.

It

can

go

both

ways.

In

a

Christian

home

God

intends

for

wives

to

submit

to

her

husband's

loving

leadership

as a

part of

her

commitment

to

the

Lord.

Wives

are you

seeking

to do

this?

If

not

what

needs

to

change?

Are

you

fighting

your

husband

for the

role

of the

primary

leader

to be

the

primary

leader

of

your

home?

Is

that

the

problem?

I

want

you

to

understand

I

tried

to

point

out

what

submission

does

and

does

not

mean

but

no

matter

how

you

cut

it

God's

design

is

for

the

husband

to

be

the

loving

servant

leader

of

the

home.

Don't

fight

that.

That's

not

archaic.

The

word

of

God

is

not

changed.

But

at the

same

time

wives

don't

be

a

doormat.

Don't

take

abuse.

Don't

do

what

you

know

is

wrong.

Encourage

your

husband.

Encourage

your

husband

especially

if he

needs

encouragement

to lead

to make

decisions.

Encourage

him as

you follow

his

leadership.

It may

be you

have to

take

small

baby

steps

to start

with

and get

him

to start

leading

help

him

to do

that.

support

him

with

your

gifts

and

talents

and

wisdom.

And

men

don't

be

intimidated

by your

wife's

abilities

especially

in the

areas where

she just

knows

more,

has more

experience,

just wiser

than you.

Look at

that as

a gift

from

God

to you.

Think

about

husbands

and

wives.

When we

come together,

we're

married,

we become

one flesh,

her

strengths,

his

strengths,

they become

our

strengths.

Don't

be jealous,

be thankful

because she

makes you

better.

He

makes you

better.

That's the

way God

designed it

to be.

Listen

to him.

Listen

to her.

Lead

together.

Husbands,

are you

seeking to

be this

kind of

leader?

What we're

looking at

this morning,

if not,

what needs

to change

about what

you're

doing?

Are you

too

passive?

Are you

too

uninvolved?

That is

one of the

primary

problems in

a lot of

marriages.

It's not

that the

husband's

dictatorial.

It's not

that he

wants to

do

everything,

make all

decisions.

A lot

of the

problems

is men

are lazy.

Men

are out

of touch.

Men

are distant.

Men are

just selfish,

taking care of

themselves,

and they

expect the

wife to do

all the

things that

have to be

done with

the children.

They expect

the wife to

do everything

to take care

of the

home,

and in

some

situations,

pay all

the bills

and do

everything.

If you're

that way as a

husband,

you're a

bum.

You are

failing your

God-given

responsibility to

be the

spiritual,

servant,

loving,

leader who

leads in

your home.

Now,

of course,

some men

are too

harsh,

too

dictatorial,

too stupid

to know they

need to

listen and

not say

something all

the time,

not make all

the decisions.

If that's

you,

confess what

sin needs to

be confessed

to God and

to your wife

and maybe your

children.

talk to

your spouse,

talk with

your spouse,

dialogue,

renew some

commitments,

take on

your God-assigned

responsibilities.

Husbands and

wives,

what we've

looked at is

the God-designed

structure of a

Christian home.

accept it,

don't fight

against it,

accept it,

and do your

part to make

it a home that

pleases God,

your spouse,

and yourself.

Pray for your

spouse to do

the same.

Don't preach to

your spouse.

Pray for your

spouse,

and pray for

yourself.

Ask God to

help you to do

your part to

make living in

your home,

a peaceful,

pleasant,

joyful experience

for everybody

involved.

You want,

as a loving

leader,

men,

you want

it to be that

way for your

spouse.

Wives,

you want it

to be that

way for your

husband.

Talk to God,

seek His

help,

talk to each

other,

and work

to either

build or

rebuild

this God-given

structure for

your husband-wife

relationship.

Let's pray

together.

Dear God,

show us how we

should respond now

to what you've

said through your

word and your

spirit to us.

Father, for some

people, they

have been

affirmed because

they're seeking to

do it your way.

No one does it

perfectly.

But Father, I pray

that you will just

affirm and

encourage those who

are seeking to be

faithful to you and

their spouse and

their family in all

this.

Father, for those who

have failed for

whatever reason,

maybe never started,

maybe started, but

stopped, convict them,

to come back to

you in a renewed

commitment, to seek

your help to change,

to humble themselves

before their spouse,

and seek forgiveness,

seek help, seek

dialogue.

Father, I pray for

every single person in

this room.

Help them to see that

this is what you

intend for husband-wife

relationships.

Help them to seek to

be that kind of

husband, that kind of

wife.

And help them, dear God,

to only look for a

husband or wife who

will accept your word

and seek your help to

put it into practice.

show us all how to

respond.

And Lord, if there are

people in this room who

are not Christians, help

them to see that this

can never take place

until they come to know

Jesus as their Lord and

Savior and are filled

with His Spirit.

Father, help Christians in

this room to know that

this will never happen if

they're not seeking to be

sensitive to the Holy

Spirit and obedient to His

leadership, seeking your

help to do the kind of

things necessary day in

and day out to have the

healthy home you intend

for them to have.

So just in an attitude of

prayer, let's all just

listen to the Lord and

respond to Him.

I'd be happy to pray with

you here at the front

during this time if you

want to come as musicians

play just for the next

few minutes.

Amen.