Broken Together - Roles & Responsibilities in Marriage

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I got a lot to say here, and I don't want to overwhelm you with it.

And I want to begin with a confession.

I did a wedding last night.

And so after I do weddings and funerals, my wife's like, you're a little bit giddy.

And all y'all are kind of like, I know some of y'all are like, oh, Neil's, Neil's just, ah, you know, and Marcy's so sweet.

You got it all wrong, okay?

We were at the wedding last night, and it was a beautiful wedding, very kind of swanky, and we did the wedding ceremony, and then they had the cocktail hour for an hour and a half, and then dinner.

My favorite part is the cocktail hour.

Because we're standing around, people are slowly and buy me more beverages, and this couple rolls over to my wife and I were standing there by one of the bistro tables, just kind of people watching.

You ever people watch?

And I'm just kind of like, hello, that dress no longer fits.

Give it away.

But this people come over, and y'all all think, oh, Mike and Marcy's so sweet and everything.

I mean, this girl comes over and she starts talking to you about her and her boyfriend and how they've been together 10 years and he hadn't married her yet.

And I said, I called him over.

I said, Hey, Beyoncé's on line one.

She said, You gotta put a ring on it.

Oh, well, you know, uh, you know, he, he, did, he.

And at some point in the conversation, my sweet little wife, who y'all think is sweet, she looked at the girl and said, Hey, sweet, let me tell you something.

He ain't gonna buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free, okay?

No, you didn't.

And by the way, the girl wasn't offended.

She burst into tears.

So my wife's hugging a stranger, and I'm like, uh, that's awkward right there.

I ain't hugging you, dude.

Uh why do I tell you that?

Because uh here's why I want to talk to you today about your roles and responsibilities in marriage.

Roles and responsibilities in marriage, and because of our unwillingness to say what the Bible says about roles in marriage, we've done a great disservice to women, to men, to marriage, and ultimately, and most consequentially to the gospel.

Here's what I mean.

In our culture, everyone's equal, and nobody has anything that the others don't have or can't have.

So, really, there's nothing unique about men and women married or single.

It's all kind of this bland, gray, just nothingness, just this blah of oh, well, okay, that's that's your kind of thing.

And and and so there's nothing unique.

And the Bible says that nothing can be further from the truth.

Let me tell you what I see in most couples that I see uh uh for for counseling.

I see a toughness, uh I see tough women whose toughness I don't believe, and I see passive men whose passivity I don't respect.

Let me say that again.

I see tough women whose toughness I don't believe, because they've had to get tough because they've taken on responsibilities that aren't theirs.

And I see passive men whose passivity I uh I don't respect.

And so before I read, if you've got a Bible, I want you to open up to Ephesians chapter 5.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

And so before I start reading uh from what the Bible says about our roles in marriage, I want to give you uh three introductory thoughts.

You can write these down, you don't have to, uh, but I just want to kind of frame the dialogue this morning.

Uh by way of introduction, three things.

Number one, men and women have distinct roles in marriage.

Men and women have distinct roles in marriage.

And let me just say this.

I want you to I want you to hear me out.

I don't want you to hear one thing and go, oh, that's it, I'm done.

Uh just just stay to the end, okay, because that's the best part.

Uh is when we get to the end.

And by the way, if you're single, I'm not I'm not talking just to married people, okay?

I'm talking to the 14-year-old young lady in the room that thinks one day I might want to get married.

You need to start shaping the way you think around what the Bible says.

Otherwise, you go off to college and you go to grad school and you just think, hey, why not why why not?

I mean, we we love each other, let's just kind of live together and test drive this and see what it's like.

And and the person you're hurting the most is you.

And so just stay with me.

Uh, introductory thought number one men and women have distinct roles in marriage.

Number two, their roles are equal in value but different in function.

Equal in value, but different in function.

The Bible never says men are better than women.

The Bible says from the beginning, we talked about last week, God said, for this cause a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

How can you have a one-flesh relationship and one person be better than the other?

The Bible never says that.

And people that say that the Bible's misogynistic and male chauvinist and male dominant are liars and don't understand the Bible.

Could I be more clear?

Third thing I want to say by way of introduction.

By the way, after the wedding, I came home and took a nap and was up in the middle of the night for like three hours, and it was awesome.

Yes, I sent you an email at 1:30.

I went out in my backyard just because no one else was up.

And I was just like, I want to steal something out of my neighbor's yard.

Just for the adrenaline rush.

They know I'm a preacher.

I left them a note on their car.

I stole something out of your backyard.

When you figure out what it is, come ring my doorbell.

I'll give it back.

Saw them this morning, they were just shaking their head.

Gotta go preach.

Third thing I want to say to you by way of introduction is these roles were established before the fall.

These roles were established before the fall.

What I mean is that this is important because the fall, by the fall, I mean Adam and Eve sinned, the fall of humanity, sinned into the world.

The fall didn't redefine the roles for men and women in marriage.

It did make living out these roles harder and more complicated.

Okay?

Let me read Ephesians chapter 5, starting verse 15, so we get the flow of thought in the context.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

He says, Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives.

He says submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That's to Christians, that's to all of us.

And then he basically, the rest of this chapter, into chapter six, he talks about submission in marriage.

He talks about children and parents, and then slaves and masters.

But just stay with me.

Verse 22.

Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior.

Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

There's five things that the text says to us today: two to men, two to women, and then the last one to all of us.

The first thing the text says, what are the roles and responsibilities of marriage?

The first one is submission.

Christians are told to submit to each other, to the government, and to God.

So submission is not this new concept that the Bible trots out to enslave women and keep them down and make them subservient to men.

That's not what it's about at all.

Submission is not necessary, ladies, because your husband deserves it.

Submission is necessary because the Bible commands it.

And here's what I mean.

When a wife submits, I tell women all the time, and they kind of look at me like, what?

You have no idea what you're saying.

I'm like, yes, I do.

And I tell women, the most threatening thing you could do for your husband is submit to his leadership in your home.

I've had women grab the arms of the chair and go, you say that again, I'm gonna get up and walk out.

Okay?

The most threatening thing you could do, not to you, but for your husband, is to submit to his leadership in the home and just say to him, hey, listen, you're the spiritual leader of our family.

I trust you.

You need to hear from God and you need to get a direction for this thing.

Here's why.

Because when a wife submits to her husband, you're requiring something of him.

That's how men get passive because you don't submit.

You don't require your husband to step into his God-given place and responsibility.

And so because you don't submit, there's nothing required of him, so he just kind of shrugs.

And so that void, that leadership void is there, you step into it because our flesh, my flesh, let me own this, says I'm not submitting to anybody.

And what happens is you end up married to a passive man and you complain while he won't lead.

It's because you're trying to fulfill a role that you were never intended to fulfill.

And there's this toughness to you, there's this hardness to you.

And so people think, man, she's a strong woman.

And deep inside, you're not strong.

You're resentful.

You're like, I wish to God my husband were doing this.

I don't want to do this.

Why am I doing this?

Men will rise, ladies, to the level of requirement.

We rise eventually to the level of requirement.

And I say eventually because many men, they've never seen it in a home where a man led his family in a biblical manner.

Sure, dad was a provider, he worked, mom stayed home, and then mom worked, and it was great, and they were both tired, so we ate out a lot and picked up a lot of Chick-fil-A, whatever.

Uh let me give you the model for submission, because submission is a is a four-letter word in our culture.

Let me, I'm not, I'm not naive to that.

Uh let me just give you the model for submission, like the Bible talks about it in marriage, where it says, wives, submit to your husband.

And not only says that, then it goes on and says, and hey, submit to your husbands in everything.

It's like, oh, what?

The model for submission is not what you think or what you've been told or what Gloria Steinem wrote about in some magazine years ago.

The model for submission is the Trinity.

Is the Godhead.

When I say Trinity, you may, what are you talking about?

That's my kid's name.

No.

The Bible refers to God as three in one.

He's God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit, God the Holy Spirit.

All three God.

All three, all three.

But in the Trinity, there's submission.

You say what do you mean?

Jesus submits to the will of the Father.

Remember in the Garden of Gethsemane, he says, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, but nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.

My wife, and and and it's the it's the one of the more shaping things my wife does is that my wife submits to my leadership in our home, but we don't disagree about a lot of things.

We talk.

That doesn't mean, hey, women can't voice their opinion, men make all the decisions.

That's not biblical submission.

Not at all.

It's just look at the Trinity and see the son submits to the Father.

Well, let me ask you this.

In your mind, is submission a sign of value?

If you submit, does that mean all of a sudden I'm less than?

Because if it is, then it's heresy to say that Jesus is of lesser value than the Father.

Because Jesus says, I and the Father are one.

Just like in the Bible it says, a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one.

It's heresy to say that because Jesus submits to the Father, that he's less than the Father.

And by the same token, it's heresy, men for you to think, or women for you to say, Well, if I submit, then I'm putting myself below my husband.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

You're requiring of your husband what the Bible requires of your husband.

And that's it.

He step up and fulfill his God-given responsibility.

So the first thing the Bible says in roles and responsibilities in marriage is it says submission.

Secondly, it says headship.

Headship.

Verse 23, it says, For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church, for his body and is himself its savior.

Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Headship, now just uh to give you kind of a background, headship in the Bible has three meanings in Scripture.

Number one, it's a physical head, like physically refers to your head.

Secondly, it's a source or origin.

This is where it comes from.

But here's where the Bible, what Paul's referring to here.

It's uh thirdly, it's a person with authority.

It's a person with authority.

That this person, again, doesn't have all authority.

Uh the person that really helped me understand this in a practical way is a guy, he's a pastor and writer named Sam Storms.

Uh, and and and and he talks about the essence of headship.

He says, here, here's what headship is about.

And let me give you uh uh three or four of these things.

Number one, headship is more of a responsibility than a right.

Headship is more of a responsibility uh than a right.

Like my family is going on vacation this summer, uh, and that's I I need to lead out in that.

Uh we can't say, man, we can't say, oh man, I'll uh I'm gonna be the man of the house and not have some intentionality where we initiate some things to bless our family.

It's a responsibility, it's not this right.

Secondly, headship is the authority to serve.

Headship is the authority to serve.

What do you mean?

If you're 14 and you shouldn't be dating, and if you are dating, you have a boyfriend when you're 14, you should break up.

You're wasting your emotions.

But if you're 14 or you're 16 or whatever, or you're 18, whatever, or you're 25 as a young woman, let me say this to you.

Look for a man who's strong enough to serve.

Look for a man.

Just look for where this man is serving.

If he's really strong, because uh headship is about this uh this capacity, you have enough authority to serve.

I love what John Stott said.

John Stott is a he's an Englishman, he's a thinker and a writer and a preacher.

He said this if headship means power in any sense, then it is power to care, not to crush, power to serve, not to dominate, power to facilitate self-fulfillment, not to frustrate or destroy it.

And in all this, the standard of the husband's love is to be the cross of Christ, on which he surrendered himself even to death in his selfless love for his bride.

That's biblical headship.

It doesn't diminish women, it doesn't stand on your own, get behind me, woman, I'm the man of the house.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have enough authority to serve.

Third thing, headship is the opportunity to lead.

It's the opportunity to lead.

This is, you gotta ask yourself, uh, men and women, uh, do you do you if if you're a single mom, then you're the leader in your home.

But if you're a man, you the Bible says you're supposed to be the leader.

You're supposed to be the one who steps up and says, Hey, this is part of my responsibility, and and I'm gonna fulfill this.

This is what headship is.

Fourthly, headship nurtures and nourishes.

It nurtures and it nourishes.

Your wife.

When you married your wife, she believes some things about herself, good and bad.

And the longer she's married to you, she should no longer believe the bad, and she should believe the good that she's never been able to believe before.

Does that make any kind of sense to anybody?

Did I lose you?

Is it dark in here or is it just me?

I think y'all are hiding from me out there.

We turn the lights down so y'all could all kind of, you know, you write your notes in private, dear Neil.

You can take your submission and spell my name right.

It's not N-E-A-L, it's N-E-I-L, okay?

Uh but but when I when I say uh headship nurtures and nourishers, here's a question I want to give you, men.

What does your wife no longer believe about herself because of the way you loved her?

What does your wife no longer believe?

That could be positive or negative.

Because of the way you love her.

See, the Bible says this roles and responsibilities in marriage, number one, it's we okay, lights came on.

There you go.

Now you can see your Bibles.

There you go.

Yeah, number one, now role, we're talking about roles and responsibilities in marriage.

Now, first of all, it says submission.

We recoil at that word.

We're like, what?

Secondly, it says headship.

Men, that's talking to you.

Basically, the Bible says, if I had to put it in two words, step up.

Step up.

You should look at your wife sometime this week and say, hey, what do you need from me that you're not getting?

And by the way, carve out some time on the back side of that question.

Because I live with the illusion that I'm killing it, that I'm doing a great job, that I'm just awesome.

Here's what I think.

Hey, I work, okay, I vote, uh, I don't mess around, I don't look at bad things on the internet, I take my wife for a walk every once in a while, and just and I just think, what more could you want?

I never say that, but I think that in my mind.

Man, I'm doing so good.

We've had quality time, I've been home for supper, we've been hanging out, I went and did stuff with the girls.

And my wife's like, You act like you're done.

Every once in a while, this thought goes through my mind.

Hey, where's the rest stop that I get to pull off of the highway of responsibility?

It just goes for a little bit.

And she smiles and says, Hey, go play golf.

I'm like, Well, I was thinking more like a month of just, hey, just do nothing.

You should ask your wife, hey, what do you no longer believe about yourself because of the way I've loved you?

Third thing the Bible says, it says to men is love.

And we'll talk more about this just in a minute, but the Bible never tells men to respect their wives.

It says, men love your wives, and it says to women, respect your husbands.

Because women by nature are nurturers, they're more wired up to love.

We by nature are more prideful, so respect means a lot more to us, aren't we, men?

Let me say it again.

We by nature are more prideful.

So respect is a big thing to us.

We kind of think in terms of uh of respect.

Sometimes when you talk to your husband like you do, your husband's never gonna look at you and say, I don't fuck you love me anymore.

Your husband's gonna say, Don't talk to me that way.

Why?

Because he doesn't feel respected.

And so it's a totally different guy named Emerson Egrich wrote a book, Love and Respect.

Get it.

You can you can figure all that stuff out.

But when the Bible says love, look at verse 25.

He doesn't just tell us to love, he says, this is how you love.

He says, by the way, verses 25 to 27 is one 59-word sentence that every man in this room should memorize.

Husbands love your wives.

And then it doesn't leave it at that, because see, if the Bible just said, husband, love your wife, period, we would love our wives in such a way that it would get us what we wanted in return.

But when the Bible says, Husbands love your wives, what happens is your wife gets what she needs in return.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Therefore, a man shall leave his mother and father and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

Notice how the Bible goes to great lengths, men, to tell us how to love our wives.

It's because the way we love blesses us.

The way the Bible says we're to love blesses our wife.

We love sacrificially.

Husbands, love your wives, comma.

And here's your frame of reference.

It gives you two of them.

Number one, love your wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

I say this to men all the time.

I don't mind saying it again.

Those who lead should be the first to sacrifice for the sake of those they lead.

Those who lead, if you, oh yeah, you nudge your wife.

You're talking about a headship.

That means I should be in charge.

No, no.

That means you should be the sacrificial one in your family.

If there's a sacrifice to be made, you're gonna make it.

It's very practical in my house after, I don't know, after my wife gets home, after dinner, I don't like my wife going to the grocery store.

So we'll oh, we're out of milk, or oh, we need this.

And maybe sometimes 9 30, 9, 10.15 at night.

I'm done.

I'm watching Sports Center.

My wife is like, she'll grab the keys and go, I didn't realize we're out of milk.

Nope.

Why?

Because I'm responsible for that.

My wife's not gonna go to the grocery store at 10:15 at night.

That's my privilege.

It's not my job.

That's my privilege.

Because you can't say men, oh, the Bible says I'm the head of the uh of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church.

That doesn't mean in charge, that means responsible.

So if there's a sacrifice to be made, I'm responsible to make it.

Because I have two daughters I live with, and they're watching me and they're seeing this is what I should expect in a husband.

And every once in a while they'll say, Hey dad, why do you do so and so and so and so?

Because that's my privilege as your mom's husband.

And you need to you need to file this away and look for a man that'll sacrifice for you.

Because if a man will sacrifice, it's life is hard if you're married to a selfish man.

Because loving Christ the way, loving your wife the way Christ loved the church requires sacrifice.

Because the Bible tells us in no uncertain terms that he gave himself up for her.

That's what he did.

Here's why.

That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.

So he might present the church, his bride to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Ladies, if you're still choking on submission, ask yourself, well, what why does God want my husband to so love me and sacrifice for me that I feel that way about myself?

Again, I lean on the words of John Stott, who said this.

This is a long quote, but when I read this, I wanted to cry and rip my shirt off and sing, We Are the Champions.

Here's what it means to love your wife, man.

Loving your wife is not, hey, you know, man's got needs.

Are you kidding me?

You love your wife like this, you'll never have to utter that phrase again.

This is what Stott says.

He says, Christ loved the church and gave himself for her in order to cleanse her, sanctify her, and ultimately present her to himself in full splendor and without any defect.

In other words, his love and self-sacrifice was not an idle display, but purposeful.

And his purpose was not to impose an alien identity upon the church, but to free her from the spots and wrinkles which mar her beauty and display her in her true glory.

The Christian husband is to have a similar concern.

His headship will never be used to suppress his wife.

He longs to see her liberated from everything which spoils her true feminine identity and growing towards that glory, that perfection of fulfilled personhood, which will be the final destiny of all those whom Christ redeems.

To this end, Christ gave himself.

To this end, too, the husband gives himself in love.

I couldn't say it any better.

Let me just draw your attention to the one sentence that made me want to march around my backyard with a trumpet at about 1.45 this morning.

And this purpose was not to impose, hear this, an alien identity upon the church.

Men, this is how you're supposed to love your wife and why you're supposed to love your wife sacrificially, to free her from the spots and the wrinkles which mar her beauty and display her in her true glory.

The Christian husband is to have a similar concern.

His love is never to suppress his wife, but you long to see her liberated from everything which spoils her true feminine identity and growing towards that glory.

That's the way.

See, I said earlier the Bible gives us men two references for how we love our wives.

It says, hey, as Christ loved the church, and then it says, hey, as you love your own body.

Hey, man, because the reason Christ loves his church and sacrifices for her is because that's his body.

We're the body of Christ.

And so he says, hey, if you don't understand this thing, let me just bring it down to this practical level here.

Let me give you another question.

What words, men, would your wife use to describe the way you love her?

If you ask your wife, hey, how do I love you?

What are some words that come to mind when you think about the way I love you?

Fourth thing the Bible says it roles and responsibility, submission, headship, love.

Fourthly, it says to women, respect.

Verse 33, Paul ends this section, which is, it kind of seems like a throw.

He says, However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I said earlier, wives love more easily than they respect.

And husbands respect more easily than they love, which is why the Bible says what it says.

To men, love your wives.

To wives, respect your husband.

See to it.

See to it is the language.

And let each wife see that she respects her husband.

Because the longer you're married, ladies, the hardest thing for you to do is not to love your husband, it's to respect your husband.

You can love him and not respect him and him never know about it.

And you've got to see to it that I respect my husband.

Why?

Because that's what the Bible says.

That's one of your roles and responsibilities.

And so one of the questions you should ask yourself, ladies, is what communicates respect to my husband?

What is it when I say it or do it that my husband feels respected?

And then lastly, the Bible says this in verse 32.

I told you, two things for the men, two things for the women, and then one thing for everybody.

And it's verse 32 where Paul says, This mystery is profound.

I've thought that many a day as a married man.

This mystery is profound.

Every once in a while, my wife will just be standing in our walk-in closet, just staring at clothes.

And she'll go, I'll go, is there a problem?

Because I'm a fixer.

You know, I got a tool belt, I can snap that baby on, I can fix anything you got going on.

And I walk in and I go, hey, is there a problem?

And I start making suggestions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I start and I start telling her, hey, we're gonna be out the door in 15 minutes.

Let's go.

Let's get this party on the road.

And I'd be fully dressed up in here.

And I I'll say something like, hey, you got lost up, you just grab something.

And she's like, I just, uh, I just uh I feel fat or I don't know this feels right, or I don't have anything to wear, and I'm like, don't say I have nothing to wear because there's a section of our closet that's two-tiered.

Got a hanging rack up here and a hanging rack down here.

Don't say I got nothing to wear because I'm just like, oh.

But a while back, my wife was having one of those moments, and she just raised her hand and said, What I need right now is for you to shut up and get out of here.

Go sit on the couch, and I'll be when I'm ready, we will leave.

Men, you ever you ever like draw a breath to say something?

And I walked out through the bathroom, through our bedroom, out into the living room, and just sat on the couch.

My wife came out, and I could tell she'd been crying.

Getting dressed never makes me cry.

I had that thought.

I don't care what noun one of you think about the way I look, it just never crosses my mind.

But and I never said that to my wife, and I don't think that in a degrading way.

I think this is a profound mystery.

Why the thought of getting dressed makes you cry.

This is a profound mystery.

But he says right here, this mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ in the church.

You say, What do you mean?

Here's the thing: the the gospel.

Don't lose sight of the gospel in marriage.

You're like, oh, you say that because you're a preacher.

No, I say that because I'm right.

And that's what the Bible says.

Marriage is not an end in itself, but it's a means to an end.

God created the marriage relationship to point to this greater reality.

God aimed to give the world an illustration of the gospel.

Here's no pressure, men.

This is privilege.

God said to the world, you want to see the way I feel about my people?

Watch the way men love their wives.

That's the way God set it up.

God says, you want to see the way the church is supposed to respond to Christ?

Watch the way women relate to their husbands.

There's no pressure.

If you think, oh, thanks for that, then you must have a problem loving your husband.

Or men, you must have a problem loving your wife.

No, no, no.

See, see, if you want to declare, let me bring it down to where we live.

If you want to declare the gospel, you have to defend marriage.

Because without marriage, without this thing, well, well, marriage, where's marriage in the Bible?

In the very beginning.

Remember, I told you last week, God says, for this cause man shall leave his mother and father and cleave into his girlfriend, his sweet thing, his sugar bacon.

No, his wife.

His wife.

God instituted marriage.

Because God says marriage is a picture of the gospel.

It is the brightest manifestation of the gospel that the world will ever get.

So we're standing there at the wedding reception during the cocktail hour, and I'm just people watching, we're standing over there, and people come over and talk, hey, I enjoyed that.

That was kind of different.

And one guy says, Hey, how long have you been with her?

I said, I've been with her.

I've been married to her for 22 years, and I dated her for about 18 months.

About a year.

And the girl said, Hey, how long?

How long did you date before you got married?

Not 10 years, I can tell you that.

Because girlfriend would have killed me in my sleep.

And she said, So how long did you date?

And I said, A year.

He goes, Really?

And I said, Yeah.

Yeah, a year.

And then we got engaged and we got married five months later because she was about to burn down.

The Bible says it's better to marry than to burn.

She's about ready to burn down.

She wanted some of this man candy.

And that was their response, too.

They were like, whatever, big boy.

And my wife said, He's right.

And I said, and we got married.

I said, Y'all, yeah, we're saving money.

I said, we got married.

We lived in a 620 square feet duplex.

Our stove had two burners.

And it was hard, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

That's the foundation for the things we laugh at things now because we got through hardship back then.

And because we just got to display the gospel.

And they're like, does not compute.

Does not compute.

So what do you mean?

Let me end with this quote from a guy named David Platt, who's head of the International Mission Board.

He says, This when God made man, then woman, and then brought them together in a relationship called marriage, he wasn't simply rolling the dice or drawing straws or flipping a coin.

He was painting a picture.

His intent from the start was to illustrate his love for people.

Hear that again.

He wasn't just rolling the dice or drawing straws or just flipping a coin.

Hope it lasts.

He was painting a picture.

And what if, and I'm done, what if your marriage and my marriage is intended to be a picture that God paints to the culture?

And says, this is what the gospel is all about.

It's not about what we the possessions we accrue as a married man.

And by the way, I don't care.

And I don't know that God cares what all you possess.

Just don't let it possess you.

God says, What if?

And I'm telling you, all in on this.

What if God designed marriage to be this picture that He paints for the culture to say, This is how I love my people, and this is how my people love me?

Last question I would give you is simply this What kind of picture is your marriage painting these days?

What kind of picture is your marriage painting these days?

Marcia and I left.

We stayed for the cocktail hour.

And they said, Hey, would you say the prayer?

And I said, Hey, I gotta hang around and say the prayer, and then we'll we'll pass on the sit-down dinner, which was beautiful.

I said, I gotta get home, I gotta look over notes, I got too much, I'm gonna kill our people in the morning.

My wife looked at me and said, I said, we can stay for dinner, and she said, No.

We passed to Cain's on the way in.

I want to leave and go to Cain's and get dinner at Canes.

My wife had a black cocktail dress on, beautiful necklace, black high heels.

I was like, Whoo, girl, you're so good.

Don't say that.

Okay.

And so we passed on an elegant dinner with free wine.

I was like, come on, taste like chicken, just get a little bit.

I do not need to get drunk to be to want my husband.

Let's go.

And we went to Cain's.

I had on a suit and a tie, something you'll never see me in here.

Why?

Because our marriage says something to the culture around us about the gospel.

And so again, let me let me let me close where I where I started.

If you're 14, or you're 16, or you're 26, or you're 19, I'm not just talking to married people.

I'm saying to you, this is what the Bible says.

Here's the roles, and with every role comes responsibility.

It says to women, hey, you you you you you you submit to your husbands.

That's not devalue yourself, put yourself down here.

No, no, no.

You're requiring something of him.

If you don't submit, you're never gonna require him to step up.

It says to men, hey, you're headship.

You you you're you're you're you're the head, you're responsible, you're you're you're you're the servant leader.

It says, hey, by the way, you gotta love your wife.

It gives you a context for how you love your wife.

And it says to women, hey, you gotta respect your husband.

See to it.

I know it's hard because I know that the longer you're married, he can be physically present and emotionally distant, but you gotta respect your husband.

And sometimes that means you gotta say, hey, I'm finding it hard to respect you these days.

Can we talk about that?

Well, uh, should we call the pastor?

No, you should set your sorry self down.

Let me get at you for about 30 minutes.

We don't need no pastor for this.

Okay.

And here's why.

Here's why we submit.

Here's why we practice biblical headship.

Here's why we love our wives and we sacrifice for them and our children.

Here's why we we work to respect our husbands, because the the gospel is on display.

Because the gospel, people don't understand the gospel because they don't see the gospel in our marriages.

They don't look and go, man, the way that guy loves his wife just makes me think that there's something to this Christianity thing.

You mean God can feel that way about me?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Let's pray together.

Let's just take a moment and just ask the Holy Spirit what He said to you.

If you're our guest, we like to just teach the Bible and then just take a few minutes to think about it.

And so in this time, we ask you just to ask God, hey God, what had my name on it today?

Maybe ask yourself, what am I tolerating in my marriage that I don't need to tolerate anymore?

Maybe if you're 14, you should ask, hey God, what I need to look for.

Maybe start me a little list and don't find your list on Pinterest.

Find your list in the Bible.

These are kind of the things I want a man that understands the biblical headship.

And that he's gonna love me and serve me and not diminish me in my femininity.

He's gonna, I'm gonna be built up in who I am as a woman.

It's not just somebody that desires you physically, ladies.

That's not hard.

What's hard is to find a man who will lead you spiritually.

And so let's just take a moment and think about these things.

Father, we're grateful today for husbands and wives that just remind us.

They don't nag us, they just hold up a biblical standard and say, hello.

Hello.

You're not full, but you're not empty.

So it's not about sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

So I pray that we would love each other enough to remind each other.

Maybe it's walking out today and saying to our wives or asking our wives over lunch, hey, what do what do I need to remind you of?

What are things that you're prone to forget?

Or what do you need to remind me of?

What do you see me easily forgetting?

The Lord thanks ultimately that you're you're the great reminder.

Every time we open the Bible, it's kind of a reminder.

It's not condemnation, it's an invitation into our identity.

It's a hello.

It's the third base coach, just kind of waving its big windmill arms of grace.

Come on.

Come on, let's do this.

And so, Lord, thanks that you're not giving up on us.

Thanks that your word never goes out and comes back void.

Let it accomplish today the purpose for which you sent it.

And may the rain that you gave us this weekend do the same.

We pray this in Jesus' name and with gratitude.

And everyone said, Amen.

Stand to your feet.

Let me speak a blessing over you.

Hold your hands out.

Your God is the God who reminds.

He does not nag, he does not scold, he does not condemn.

He reminds.

Depart now and live in light of what you've been reminded of this morning.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Bless you.

Dismiss.