Better...At Parenting, Part 2

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Let's pray together.

Lord Jesus, uh, the Bible has a lot to say about your name.

The Bible says that you've exalted above all things your name and your word.

And so when we magnify your name, when we exalt your name, uh, we're doing a good thing.

We're doing what the Bible calls us to do, tells us what we are created to do.

In the book of Acts, the Bible tells us that there's no name given under heaven whereby which men and women can be saved.

In other words, there's no other way to know God except through his son Jesus.

And so, Lord, when we talk about your name and we exalt your name, uh, we put ourselves in good company.

And so, Lord, come and uh represent yourself as only you can today, Lord.

We trust you, we look to you, and we say, speak, Lord, because your servants are listening.

We ask all this in Jesus' name, and everyone said, Amen.

You can have a seat.

If you've got a Bible, I invite you to take it and open it up to Deuteronomy chapter six.

Uh, if you're a guest today, uh, we're in a series called Better, and we're just looking at different things we want to get better at.

And a couple of weeks ago we started a sermon called Better at Parenting, and today is part two of the, hey, let's get better at parenting by thinking differently and hopefully more biblically about how we parent our children.

Uh the last time we read all of Deuteronomy, uh, and then and I saw Deuteronomy 6, not all of Deuteronomy, we'd still be here.

Uh, but uh uh and we talked about, hey, what are we called to do?

We looked at some takeaways from the text, and we looked at, hey, here's three questions that our parenting has to answer for our kids.

Uh, and today I want to come back and pick up the second part, Roman number two, and talk about, hey, how do we do this?

Uh, and then the last part of it, hey, here's some here's some things that we that help us to do this.

But anyway, uh, I want to read, uh, usually I read out of the English Standard Version, but this morning I want to read Deuteronomy 6 out of a translation called the Message.

Uh, every once in a while in a year, maybe I'll take a month, and I'll just read stuff I've read before out of a different translation, and it awakens my ears and my eyes.

Uh and it makes me think about it in a different way.

And so I want to read all of Deuteronomy chapter six out of the message because I think it's some of the greatest writing ever on the topic of parenting.

Uh, and this is Deuteronomy.

I won't try to explain it, I think it speaks for itself.

Starting verse 1.

This is the commandment, the rules and the regulations that God, your God, commanded me to teach you to live out in the land you're about to cross into to possess.

This is so that you'll live in deep reverence before God lifelong.

By the way, that's what you're parenting for.

You want your kids to live in deep reverence before God for the rest of their life, observing all his rules and regulations that I'm commanding you.

You and your children and your grandchildren living good, long lives.

Listen obediently, Israel.

Do what you're told so that you'll have a good life, a life of abundance and bounty, just as God promised, in a land abounding in milk and honey.

Attention, Israel, God, our God, God the one and only.

Love God, your God, with your whole heart.

Love him with all that's in you.

Love him with all you've got.

Write these commandments that I give you today on your hearts.

Get them inside of you, and then get them inside of your children.

Notice the order.

Get them inside of you, and then get them inside of your children.

Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street.

Talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder.

Inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

When God, your God, ushers you into the land he promised through your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to give you, you're going to walk into large, bustling cities you didn't build, well-furnished houses you didn't buy.

Come up upon wells you didn't dig, vineyards and olive orchards you didn't plant.

And when you take it all in and settle down, pleased and content, make sure you don't forget how you got there.

God brought you out of slavery in Egypt.

Deeply respect God, your God.

Serve and worship him exclusively.

Back up your promises with his name only.

Don't fool around with other gods, the gods of your neighbors, because God, your God, who is alive among you, is a jealous God.

Don't provoke him, igniting his hot anger that would burn you right off the face of the earth.

Don't push God, your God, to the wall as you did that day at Massa, the testing place.

Carefully keep the commands of God, your God, all the requirements and regulations he gave you.

Do what is right, do what is good in God's sight so you'll live a good life and be able to march in and take this pleasant land that God so solemnly promised through your ancestors, throwing out your enemies left and right, exactly as God said.

The next time your child asks you, What do these requirements and regulations and rules that God, our God, has commanded, mean?

Tell your child, we were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, and God powerfully intervened and got us out of that country.

We stood there and watched as God delivered miracle signs, great wonders, and evil visitations on Egypt, on Pharaoh and his household.

He pulled us out of there so that he could bring us here and give us the land he so solemnly swore, so solemnly promised to our ancestors.

That's why God commanded us to follow all these rules, so that we would live reverently before God, our God, as he gives us this good life, keeping us alive for a long time to come.

It will be a set right and put together life for us if we make sure that we do this entire commandment in the presence of God, our God, just as he commanded us to do.

I want to draw your attention to a little phrase there in that last verse, verse 25.

Because this is what you want for your kids.

This is what you pray for your kids.

You may use different language, but the Bible says it like this it will be a set right and put together life.

You could pray a lot of things for your kids, and most of them can be summed up with a set right and put together life.

Now, let me let me say this.

I'm gonna say a lot today.

I'm gonna cover a lot of ground.

Uh, you don't have to try to write it all down.

Uh, you can pull out your smartphones, make it make sure it's turned off or on silent, uh, and take a picture of the screen.

But also, we post all the notes from our sermons on the website every Monday.

And so don't try to write it all down.

Just kind of take it in and just say, hey, I just want to listen or whatever you want to do, but I don't want you to like feel overwhelmed today.

And so, how do we get better at parenting?

Like I said, last time we said, what are we called to do?

This time we're gonna ask, hey, how do we do this?

And and I want to borrow uh two categories from a man named Ted Tripp, wrote a book called Parenting.

Uh, and in the book he makes a great distinction.

There's two types of parents, and then we're gonna talk about the difference and and the differences in these two types of parenting and these four areas that it manifests itself in.

Uh, here's the two types of parenting.

Uh, Ted Tripp talks about ownership parenting and ambassador parenting.

Uh, here's ownership parenting.

It's shaped and influenced by what parents want for their children and from their children.

Uh, it's what I want for my child and what I want from my child.

In other words, I need you to be a certain way so I can get a certain thing.

You don't come out and say that, but that's really the motive for your parenting.

And that thing is love or worth or affirmation or prominence or adulation from other parents.

Uh that's what people that feel like, hey, I own my kids, and so I've got to have certain behaviors from them to get what I need.

The second category is what he calls ambassador parenting.

Ambassador parenting is not about what we want for or from our kids, but it's about what God wants to do through us in our children.

Let me say that again.

It's what about what God wants to do through us in our kids.

You hear the difference?

Just four little words, okay?

It's not for or from.

It's what God wants to do through us in our children.

For an ambassador parent, here's the deal.

You'll hear this a lot.

That we are instruments that God uses to do a deep work in the life of our children.

Okay?

Now there's difference in these ownership and ambassador, and it manifests itself in four areas.

Number one is identity.

Identity, where you look to find your sense of who you are.

Uh identity.

Owner, people that their parenting is driven by ownership.

Uh they look to their kids for identity, a sense of self-worth and affirmation of their parenting.

And really what happens is that they end up saddling their kids with their the with the burden of their self-worth.

They say to their kids, if you ever did anything like that, I don't know what I would do.

I mean, that would be so devastating for me.

You wouldn't ever want to hurt me like that, would you?

And so your kids is like, they don't have words for it, but they're like, eh, gee, mom, that's a lot to put on me.

I'm only six.

Uh but but it's kind of like, oh, uh, uh, oh my gosh.

And here's why, because so much of your identity, who you are, is wrapped up in your kids' behavior.

The second uh area, see, that's what that's what owners are.

Ambassadors come at it like this.

They come at it from this God-based, kind of a well-developed uh sense of identity and meaning and purpose.

Therefore, they can they can parent out of this big gospel worldview.

And so, what what does that mean?

It means this is that they don't need uh from their kids, but they parent out of what they understand about God, the gospel, the truth, and themselves.

Let me say it again.

They parent out of what they understand to be true about God, the gospel, the truth, and themselves.

Again, an ambassador, remember, an ambassador is someone that lives in another country and they represent the interests of the country that sent them there.

And so, as parents, we're to we're to live in this country, we're to be here representing the interests of God in the lives of our children.

Now, he put a little start by this.

I don't want to spend a whole lot of time on this, uh, uh, but I do want you to understand the difference.

It's important that you raise your kids in the right kind of church, not just a church, but the right kind of church.

Uh, this is my language.

I'll own this.

I won't blame this on anybody else.

I think there's two kind of cult, dominant cultures in churches in America.

There's what I call a salvation culture.

A salvation culture is everything's driven to get your kids to pray the prayer, to get your kids to do the right thing or whatever.

And the sooner we can get our kids to become Christians, we feel relieved because on some level it's like, okay, our kids are Christians now, everything's gonna be good.

And if your kid grows up in a church that has a real dominant salvation culture, what happens is it produces people that they become Christians early on, but they don't grow into the fullness of the gospel, so they don't understand things, they don't really enjoy things, and they get bored and they think, okay, I'm going to heaven and I know I'm forgiven, so what do I do in the meantime?

And so this kid kind of looks around.

It produces people who fear hell, but they don't know God, understand the gospel, or enjoy Christianity.

And so if you raise your kids in a church that's got a real dominant salvation culture, it's like, hey, everybody, it's it's just think the door.

They get inside the door, and then once inside the door, they don't know what to do.

That's a salvation culture.

Here, a church that has what I call a gospel culture, uh, which is what we try to do here at Grand Park Way, if you have a gospel culture, what that's like is it's not like just a door, it's like a country estate.

There's a huge mansion, and there's a barn with horses, and there's a shed over there with four-wheelers, and there's rolling meadows, and there's ponds to fish in and swim in, and there's all this stuff, and salvation is a part of that.

Obviously, that's how you get in the country estate, is you enter into the door, but there's so much to be enjoyed that your curiosity makes you want to enjoy it all.

And so when you grow up, you raise your kids in a church that has a gospel culture, you say, Well, what's what what's that like?

Basically, probably the biggest difference is the gospel culture church.

It produces people who know God uh more and more intimately the more they're around it, and they understand and apply the gospel to uh to every area of their life, and they actually enjoy being a Christian.

And if your kids are raised by parents who enjoy their Christianity and they continue to grow, uh it's Philippians 1 6.

He who began a good work in you will continue it to the day of Christ Jesus.

Um it's important as parents that we never arrive spiritually, that we're continuing to grow and explore all the ramifications of the gospel.

I don't clean the kitchen because my wife needs help.

Uh, I clean the kitchen because it's just reflex, it's not labor.

I I don't think to myself, God, this will be the third time this year I've cleaned the kitchen.

Isn't this enough?

No, I walk in and you see something, and it's just like, here's how you know the gospels begin to permeate all the nooks and crannies of your life.

Uh is that you you you stay with that analogy.

You see the kitchen, and it's not, why can't my wife pick up after herself?

It's oh, I just I'm compelled to do the right thing.

Not out of labor, like, what's in this for me, but just reflex.

Like, oh, there's a need.

Let me meet that need without any regard for what's going to come back to me.

We believe that the gospel, and I'll show you this later in the Bible, that the gospel, that that's the outworking of the gospel.

And the gospel being the good news of Christianity, all the way from Genesis 1.1 to the end of Revelation.

And so I don't want to spend a lot of time on that, but there's a difference in a salvation culture and a gospel culture.

Uh the second area that these two types of parents uh demonstrate the differences is in work.

And by work I mean what you define as the work you've been called to do.

What is your job as a parent?

What is your task as a parent?

Owners think they have to turn their children into something and they rely on their resources to make their children who they think they should be.

So if your kids are uh begin to not be what you think they should be, you withhold resources.

Because that's how you control them.

Uh and in that scenario, you're like an investor in your kids.

You're like a shareholder, and as long as your kids the stock price is going up, it's great.

But when the stock price goes down, you're gonna re withhold the resources.

And what you've taught your kids is hey, I'm only investing in you as long as you're doing what I think you should.

Now, I think there's there's some boundaries in there I don't have time to get into, but but here's the difference in the way an am an ambassador parent, they understand that they represent someone greater than themselves.

And put a start by this, they also realize they do not have the power to control their kids' behavior.

Now, if you've got kids under the age of five, right now you're going.

I don't know about that.

If you've got teenagers, you're going.

Say it again, brother.

No, you cannot control your kids' behavior.

I got a kid that's 19.

She has a car and a checking account.

And I couldn't tell you what time she got home last night.

I know that she was at a farmer's market in Waco with two girlfriends yesterday because my wife talks her on Instagram.

She says she doesn't, but every day it's like, oh, look where Madison is.

And the other day I thought to myself, oh, and she's like, oh, Madison's in Austin.

And I was like, I want to be Madison in my next life.

Oh, look, we went kicker dancing at the Melody Ranch.

And I'm like, what?

Where's this?

Are we getting a degree in?

What are we, what are we doing here?

I have no idea.

And here's the other thing.

You're gonna think I'm some liberal, lazy parent.

I have no control over what my kid does.

Some of y'all are like, I'm not writing that down.

I'm just having a little act of rebellion here.

I'm not gonna write that down.

See, here's the difference as an ambassador, you're motivated by the potential, hear this, of what grace and only grace could accomplish in the life of your child.

Uh it's it's Titus chapter 2, about verse 14, 15, somewhere in there.

Titus 2 · chapter mention

He says this.

He says, and grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness and to live upright and moral lives while we await the blessed appearing of our God and Savior Jesus Christ.

Grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness.

If you're not careful, if you use the law to control your kids and manage their behavior, you're like the lion tamer.

You got the whip and the chair and the treats, but there will come a day where your kids don't need the treats anymore.

And you're gonna look silly with a whip and a chair.

And you're not gonna have to relate to them because there comes a point where they they they they get away from you and they're like, I got this.

See, that's a difference in ownership and an ambassador.

Uh the third area is success.

It's success.

What you define success to be.

How do you define success as a parent?

How do you know when you're being a successful parent?

I hear this all the time.

Well, you know, our kids are just off the reservation, and you know, I and I just tell parents, I say, hey, that's not a statement about you.

And they all say the same thing back, especially the moms.

I'm not being a sexist, but the moms expect like, how can it not be a statement about me?

I'm like, you should never give your children that much power over you.

Here's the difference.

As an owner, an owner, they work towards specific indicators in their kids' life that tell them they're successful as parents.

They're uh horizontal markers that kind of say, Yeah, we're doing a good job, like academic performance, social acceptance, popularity, athletics.

Uh if your kid's 15, if your daughter's 15 and doesn't have a boyfriend, and you start pushing her to get out there and meet guys, you're that parent.

You need her to have certain things happen so you can kind of appoint and kind of go, Yeah, that's that's my kid.

Because success, an ambassador, and their success is not about what they've produced, but about what they've done.

Let me hear the difference, and I'll demonstrate it for you.

For an ambassador parent, it's not about what they produced, it's about what they've done.

You can do the right things and your kids go the wrong way.

And you're able to just sit down the inside and say, you know what?

We we did the right thing.

We modeled the gospel, we taught the gospel, we raised our kids in a gospel culture at church.

They they know all the right things.

Um, case in point.

Let me uh you say, what do you mean?

Uh when I was traveling, I was speaking at a church, very large church uh in Kentucky, and they said, Hey, this family wants to have you over.

And I said, Sure.

Uh they had, I think, six kids, five kids.

Five kids.

Uh, and so I go over there, and and and and the man had said to me Sunday morning, hey, I want to I want you to meet my son.

Do you have some time to meet my son right in town?

I really want him to get coffee with you or a meal with you.

And I'm like, Great, I'd love that.

I love coffee, I love meals, I'm down for all that.

And he, the next night he goes, Hey, why don't you just come to our house for dinner?

And I said, Sure.

So the next night after that, I go to the house for dinner.

Big, beautiful home, incredible.

And we go in and have this big, nice long table, and we sit down, and he said, Well, Trent's coming, and we're not gonna, we're gonna wait for Trent.

And he comes down, his hair's wet, he's got a shower or whatever, and he's got a long sleeve shirt on, and I'm like, Well, that's a little dressed up, but anyway, we sit down and he says, And Neil, this is my son Trent.

Trent just got out of a drug rehab.

And his little sister said, For the third time, and we're standing behind our chairs, we haven't even sat down yet, and I'm like, This is gonna be my kind of dinner right here.

And the guy's kind of like, hey, I'm Trent, nice to meet you.

My dad really enjoys your preaching, and I'm trying to come, but I've been looking for a job.

I said, Oh, that's cool, man.

So we sit down, we start eating, and over dinner in front of God and everybody, we just we don't talk about Trent all the time, just focus on Trent.

And he says, you know, I'd really like you to get some time with Trent, but only if Trent wants to.

And I thought, what'd you say?

Because most parents think if you meet with a preacher, you're not gonna want not want to do drugs anymore.

And Trent said, Yeah, I mean, I'm open to it and everything.

And and he cuffed his sleeve uh to roll his sleeves up and he had full sleeve tattoos I said, hey, I like your ink, and he pulled it up.

He had full sleeve tattoos.

And and I said, uh after dinner, we went outside that outdoor living space.

It was nicer than my house.

We walked out there, we had coffee and dessert, and we're sitting out there, and I ain't got no problem in that environment.

I'm just laid back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind, having a uh little snoopdog there for you.

And I'm just sipping coffee and we're just talking.

And I said, What's what's this like for you?

And he goes, My dad's never been embarrassed to me.

And I thought, what a striking thing to say.

He said, My dad takes me on business trips, and I because he just says, Come along, son.

I want you to just kind of see how God's faithfully provides for our family.

And he said, The jet picks us up, and I'm like, say, what did I mention I'm here on a love offering?

He said, The jet picks us up and I tell my dad, hey dad, do I need to wear a long sleeve?

And he's he looks at me and he says, Son, I'm not ashamed of your tattoos.

I think they're beautiful.

Well, I got this one over here and it's not so beautiful.

And he goes, Yeah, that's not the best decision you've ever made.

But I love you, and I'm praying for you, son.

And I'm praying that when you come through this, man, you'll have so much to give other people because the Bible, he said this at dinner.

The dad said this at dinner.

The Bible says in 2 Corinthians chapter 1 that we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1 · chapter mention

And he said, Trent's received a lot from God, Neil.

And Trent said, Yeah, I don't know about that, Dad.

But success, how do you define what do you define success to be?

For for an owner, you've got to see certain behaviors in your kids.

For an ambassador, success is about not what you produce, but what you've done.

Parenting is not about reaching certain goals, it's just being a usable, faithful tool in the hands of God.

And here's why.

Because God and God alone is able to produce good things in your children.

Because if you think your parenting style produces good things in your kids, you'll take credit for it.

And you'll rob God of glory.

Because your kids will learn to appease you and not relate to God.

The fourth area where you see a big difference manifest in these two parenting styles is reputation.

Reputation.

What tells people who you are and what you're about?

You say, Oh, that doesn't matter to me.

Let me demonstrate the difference.

An owner, you turn your kids into trophies.

You enjoy parading your kids when they do well, but when they sing, You're embarrassed, and you often pull out of social relationships.

Because you just can't be around people.

That's why I was so struck by this family in Lexington.

I mean, he was just like, and I was like, hey, what is this?

I asked the man, I said, What the dad, what's this like for you?

And he said, Oh, I love all my children.

He said, One night we were just sitting around as a family talking, and I asked my other kids when Trent was in rehab, what are you guys learning from Trent's life?

And Trent's not bad and y'all are good.

Trent just believes that sin still holds out a promise for him.

And so he's still looking for satisfaction and sinful behavior.

And the dad said, This, men, we want to be this way as dads.

He said, the Bible says it like this that he is in Jeremiah chapter 2.

Jeremiah 2 · chapter mention

My son is digging for himself wells that hold no water.

But I can't just tell him that.

He has to come to that understanding on his own.

And I pray he does, because he's dug so many false wells that do not hold any water.

And I'm just like, I want to go to my hotel and weep like a kitty.

His dad's exactly right.

You say, Well, what do you mean, reputation?

Owners, they they parade their kids when they're doing good, but when their kids sin, they withdraw.

They say things like, We're just gonna stay home and be a family.

What were you before your kids screwed up?

Weren't you a family?

Because see, here's the thing.

When your kids, this is free, this is bonus material.

First service didn't get this.

When your kids realize they have the capacity to embarrass you, they'll embarrass you.

They just will.

Case in point, I talk out of my own life.

When when when my oldest got to be about seven years old, we'd have people over to our house.

She would like to verbally spar with me in front of other people.

Drove my wife crazy.

And I would just sit there and smile.

And I'm thinking, that's behavior.

What's the motivation down here?

And so one night I have some people and she was like, Oh, Dad, well, you don't always do that.

My wife was like, I'm gonna beat you when company leaves.

And I was just like, Well, go ahead, Madison.

Well, I'm not sure what you're saying.

And it was just plathering nonsense.

And I realized I she likes interacting with adults.

And so after everybody left, I just said, Hey, hey Madison.

I said, What's going on there?

What do you what do you need to have happen?

Because I I don't have a problem you speaking up, but you it's kind of like you get you get you know your your words out there, and then you don't know what to do to land the plane.

Well, ah, ah, ah, and she said this, just blurted it out.

She said, Well, there's other people in this family besides you, Dad.

Now, some of y'all are like, ooh, that kid needs a whipping.

No.

What she's saying is, I get sick of people coming to our house and always talking to you and nobody else.

And I said, I want you to know, as your dad, I think you have a lot to say and you're worth listening to.

And she went, See, if you just focus on behavior, and we'll talk about this in just a minute, when you just focus on behavior and not on need, because our kids engage in behavior to meet needs.

They understand their behavior, but they don't always understand the need, the deep motivation of the heart.

But but but reputation, an ambassador, they accept misunderstanding, they accept that their kids are going to sin, uh, but but they parent from this big picture of Isaiah 61.

Isaiah 61, God's referring to his people, and he says, they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

If you came to my house, if you've ever been in my house, you know this.

You walk out the front door, and over the front door is a is a wooden sign, and it just says, for the display of his splendor.

If you go in my kid's bathroom, there's a big painting hanging right above the commode that my wife painted.

It's an oak tree, and it says in it, you know, oaks, they will be a planting of the Lord, oaks of righteousness for the display of his splendor.

Because we've tried to raise our children, our two girls, with this big picture of what we want is that we want our girls to grow up and be women who reflect the glory of God, not just the advice of their parents.

And so, as an ambassador, what you get to do is you you understand, hey, you realize, hey, my kid isn't perfect.

And when they screw up, you don't hide and try to manage everyone's impression of you as a parent or them as a child.

You can just, hey, you know what?

I love you.

There's consequences for this, but this doesn't change the nature of our relationship.

One iota.

I have a friend that's a pastor.

Uh his son woke him up one night at about 12:15 and said, Hey dad, I went to a party tonight and drank for the first time.

I know that's not good.

Can you get up so we can talk about it?

And one of his deacons came to him, heard about it like two weeks later, and he said, Pastor, don't you think you he should get up and ask the church's forgiveness?

Because church people are stupid.

And this pastor, he knocked it out of the park.

He looked at him and he said, I'm not sure my son sinned against you by experimenting with alcohol, but I tell you what, Deacon John, if you'll take the mic and go first, my son will go right after you.

That's how you kill religion in people.

Uh let me give you this.

Here's Roman number three.

How do we become parents that God works through?

How do we put feet on this and become parents that God works through?

Three simple things that will be done.

Number one, we ruthlessly and consistently return to the gospel.

You just consistently come back to the gospel.

Why?

It's Romans 1.16.

Paul said, I'm not ashamed of the gospel because it's the power of God unto salvation to anyone who believes, to the Jew first, and then to the Gentile, to the unbeliever.

And then he goes on in verse 17 and says, This for in it, in the gospel, the righteousness of God is revealed.

You want to parent.

The reason you always come back to the gospel is because the gospel points out how right God is, how righteous and how true God's ways are.

And you cannot pound that into your kids.

They have to see it.

You can pray, God, open up my kids, the eyes of their heart, so they can see just the beauty of your truth.

But when you just kind of put law on them, that's why we raised our kids, ask them, hey, do you trust me?

I had dinner with my 19-year-old Tuesday night.

And I looked at her and I said, Hey, the basis of our relationship is still trust.

Is it still a good idea for me to trust you?

Because you're up here at Jerusalem on the brass down here in Waco.

You could be doing Lord knows what.

You could have a back tattoo for all I know.

And she goes, Well, I don't have a back tattoo.

And I said, So am I, are we still trust?

She goes, Well, if it's not trust, what is it?

I said, It's law.

It's either law or gospel, Madison.

If I can trust you, it's gospel.

But if I can't trust you, we got to go to rules.

And so it becomes law.

She goes, No, trust is good.

You can trust me.

I'm a trustworthy person.

I said, okay.

And you know what?

I looked in her eyes and I believed her.

And I said, So, many interesting guys?

Well, not really.

I met a lot of guys, but not many of them are interesting.

And I said, Welcome to reality.

It ain't like on a bachelor.

But we we consistently come back to the gospel because it just demonstrates how right God is.

Secondly, is that we worship.

You're raising a worshiper, and the issue is not, are they going to worship, but what are they going to worship?

And what they're most likely to worship is what you worship.

And by worship, I don't mean what you sing about, I mean how you live your life.

If you want to get an interesting discussion going to the dinner table, ask your kids, hey, what do you think mom and dad value above all else?

And by the way, you can't get mad when they answer that question.

Some of y'all are like, ah, I wish my kid weren't in here because now they've heard this.

Next time we sit down, they're going to go, let's play the question game.

It's just worship.

Third is discipline.

Discipline.

Not as punishment, but as preparation.

Let me say that again.

When I say discipline, don't think punishment, think preparation.

Because if you do not prepare your child for the future, you have to create a future for them.

You've got to work longer and make more money and set aside more money because you know your kid's irresponsible and not disciplined.

They don't have any self-discipline.

And to be self-disciplined, you have to be under the hand of discipline in your home.

You just are.

The Bible says in Hebrews 10 of God that every son, every daughter he receives, he disciplines.

Why?

So they may share in his holiness.

That's preparation.

That's not punishment.

That's our motive as parents as well.

Let me close by giving you this.

Four questions every parent should ask their kids.

Four questions every parent should ask their kids.

Number one, do you trust me?

Do you trust me?

Number two, do you feel like you matter in this family?

Do you feel like you matter?

Because when your kids do not feel like they're connected or they matter, they seek connection from their friend group and from other people.

Number three, what need are you trying to meet with this behavior?

What need are you trying to meet with this behavior?

About 18 months ago, a family came to me.

They called and said, Hey, the guy said, I work with a guy that knows you, or and can we come see you for family counseling?

Because our 17-year-old daughter is off the reservation.

I mean, I don't know who this kid is.

I said, sure, I can see you next Tuesday, 2 o'clock.

They show up.

She walks into my office.

She's got on black fishnet stockings and some ripped-up Daisy Duke denim shorts and a tube top and black lipstick with sparkles in it.

And I just thought, I'm so glad I'm alive today.

She walks in and sits down, and her parents, straight, I mean, he's got on a nice blazer and slacks, and she's dressed to the nines, and she's smacking her gum.

And the first thing that I said, before we get started, you got any questions?

And she goes, How long is this going to take?

I don't know.

When I get out the Pixie Ducks and I start flowing, it goes pretty quick.

So I met with them, it was horrible.

And I said, I'd like to see your daughter alone next week or two weeks from now, and then I'll meet with you as parents.

I met with the daughter, she walked in again, she's dressed pretty much the same, motorcycle boots, the whole nine yards.

I don't care about that, but I mean, maybe put a little bit more clothes on.

She goes, You got a problem the way I dress?

And I said, Let me just tell you this.

When you show boys this much in public, it makes them wonder what you'll show them in private.

Oh, so you're judgmental too, just like my parents.

No, I'm right.

I don't know about your parents.

And I said, Hey, before we get started, you want to fight or smoke a cigarette or what?

Just say what you're gonna say.

And I said, here's what I'm gonna say.

I got I want to start with a question.

What need are you trying to meet with this behavior?

And all of a sudden, the layers begin to come off the onion.

And she said, What do you mean?

And I said, What need are you trying to meet?

Because we all engage in behavior because we're trying to meet a need.

And her heart just cracked open.

I got a call from her parents about eight days later.

Can we meet with you?

I said, Yeah, we're meeting tomorrow.

We need to meet with you sooner than that.

Well, sorry, I have a job.

It's not just meeting with strangers.

I do that a lot, but so they came in the next day and they said, Oh my gosh, our daughter is just changed.

And I said, The goal is not changing your daughter's behavior.

The goal is to understand your daughter's heart.

Your daughter is afraid that she's never going to be recognized and wanted by a boy because she's not boycrazy, she's just insecure.

And so this is all big bravado.

I don't care, I kick butt act.

But she's engaging in this behavior because she wants to get this need met.

Well, I don't know.

She came downstairs the other day and she had more clothes on than she's ever had.

Can we pay you for that?

Pixie Dust is free.

I get it from Tinkerbell.

Last question.

What are you learning about yourself these days?

What are you learning about yourself these days?

You should ask your kids that on occasion.

What are you learning about yourself?

And by the way, let me say these last two caveats and we'll be done.

Keep in mind that when you ask your kids these kind of questions, their answers are not always truthful, but they are valid.

Let me say it again.

Their answers are not always truthful, but they are valid.

Valid means I feel this very strongly.

And if your kid gives you a valid answer and you give a truthful response, you've just invalidated them.

You say, what do you mean?

If your kid says, Well, you never seem to have time for me, and you come back with, oh, just the other day I took you to lunch, what you said to your kid is, you need to go somewhere else to be understood.

And so it's not always truthful, but it is valid in that they feel it very strongly.

And the most important things your kids will ever tell you is how they feel about something.

Second caveat is simply this your kids, and your kids may roll their eyes and go, that's not true.

This is true.

Your kids do not always want to be agreed with, but they do want to be understood.

Let me say that again.

Your kids do not always want to be agreed with, but they do want to be understood.

You say, you don't know my kid.

No, I know your kid.

I know my kids.

They don't always want to be agreed with.

Here's why.

Because they're 9, 13, 16, 18, 22.

Here's why they don't always want to be agreed with but understood.

Look at me.

Because they're not going to feel the way they feel right now the rest of their life.

They're not going to think the way they think right now for the rest of their life, especially their adolescence.

Their brain's not even fully developed yet.

It hadn't closed up yet.

And so they're not going to want to live the way they live right now the rest of their life.

I was cleaning out my I was cleaning out my oldest daughter's room, moving some stuff around, found a Josh Grobin CD, and I texted her, I said, hey, do you want that?

And she says, No.

But when I was 14, Josh Grobin got me.

Please tell me what that means.

He just understood what it was like for me in a way that I don't think you and mom did when I was 14.

You just put Josh Grobin above your father?

No.

What she was telling me is that when I was 14, this mattered to me.

Now that I'm 19, you can throw that away.

Okay.

Because I want to buy a ticket to his concert and punch him in the face.

Here's the thing it's why your kids do not always want to be agreed with, but they do want to be understood.

Now the question you need to ask your kids sometime in the next seven days is do you feel like your mom and dad understand you?

Do you feel what just happened in here?

Do you feel that?

I'm not trying to create work for you.

I'm trying to create doors of opportunity for you to walk through.

Because when your kids realize, hey, my parents, they get me.

My mom, you can be a single parent.

Hey, my mom gets me.

She understands me.

Sometimes she makes me crazy with her rules, but she understands.

Okay.

You've come a long, long way.

I want to close by just rereading something I read at the very beginning from Deuteronomy chapter 6, and what we've done this morning.

Deuteronomy 6 · chapter mention

Deuteronomy 6 is Moses, kind of like the old man of the clan, kind of giving advice to all these people.

Hear these words, because this is what parenting is all about.

He says, this is the commandment, the rules and regulations that God, your God, commanded me to teach you to live out in the land you're about to cross into to possess.

This is so that you'll live in deep reverence before God lifelong, observing all his rules and regulations that I'm commanding you.

You and your children and your grandchildren living good, long lives.

Let me say this to every parent in this room.

You want to lay on your deathbed with a certain knowledge that your children and your grandchildren are living good, long lives.

True or false?

That's what we all want.

And the Bible says, hey, there's a way you can parent your kids that increases the capacity, the probability that's going to happen.

And then there's a way that you can parent that's going to make them not trust you and move away.

Let's be the kind of parents that kind of the kids realize, hey, my parents have a good goal in mind here.

Let's pray together.

Just take a moment before I pray and ask yourself, what do I take away from this morning?

If you're visiting today, we like to just teach the Bible and then give you some soul space to think about it.

So we'll just take a minute and Clyde will just play.

And you just ask yourself, hey, what?

What stood out to me?

The Bible's never about beating you up.

The Bible is about inviting you to maybe think differently or more fully about things.

If you're a child or a student in this room today, you've got to ask yourself, do my parents really want me to have a set right and put together life?

And let me just say this to your parents.

You're not parenting your kid out of who you were when you were 17 or what you did.

You're parenting your kids out of who you are now that you're 44 and you know better.

So you've got some leverage and authority whether you realize it or not.

And you didn't get it because of what you did or didn't do when you were 16.

You got it because you survived all that, and now you've got a perspective that you didn't have back then.

So, Father, our desire is to uh is to come to the end of our lives and realize that our kids and our grandkids are living these well-built, set-for-life lives.

That they get the big picture and they understand and we get to enjoy the fruit of our hard work.

And so, Holy Spirit, lead us into the places that we need to be led into.

Initiate the conversations that we need to have with our spouse, with ourselves, and with our kids.

And over all of this, God, let there be a sense of uh mutual understanding and a shared vision for the path forward.

We ask this in Jesus' name and everyone say.

Amen.

Amen.

If you're our guest today, thanks for being part of our church, our services.

You're always welcome here.

If you have any questions, myself and some of our staff will be available down front here in just a minute when you're dismissed.

Uh, let me make you aware of two things by way of announcement we want you to know about.

Uh, number one, our women's retreat registration is currently open for that.

They're in the lobby this morning.

If you have any questions about that, uh it's an intentional time of getting away, of rest, of equipping and perspective and connecting with other women.

Uh, but they'll be in the lobby if you have any questions.

Second thing, tonight at 6 o'clock, our women's ministry has their pancakes and pajamas back in the warehouse.

If you'd like some information about that, you can get it there as well, okay?

Uh uh when you came in, you were given a worship folder, and on the far right side, it's a little tear-off portion.

If you've had a chance as our guests to fill that out, if you would tear it off.

Or if you're a member and you have a prayer request or something you want us to know, tear it off and just drop it in this wooden box by the door.

That's also where we receive our offering.

So if today's the day you worship through giving, that's where you do that as well, okay?

Stand on your feet.

Let me speak a blessing over you.

Because God is committed to do what only he can do in the heart of your children.

You're free just to be instruments in his hands.

Depart now and take the pressure off yourself and enjoy what you were created to do.

In the name of the Father and the Son, the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Bless you're dismissed.