Covenant Love and Biblical Dating | Song of Songs 2:8-17

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My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand.

His head is the finest gold.

His locks are wavy.

Black as a raven.

His eyes are like doves beside streams of water bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool.

His cheeks are like beds of spices.

True story.

Um, mounds of sweet smelling herbs.

His lips are lilies dripping liquid myrrh.

His oh, his arms are rods of gold set with jewels.

His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires.

His legs are alabaster columns.

That's a true statement.

Set on bases of gold.

Solomon and his bride delight in each other.

You are beautiful as Tarza, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners.

Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me.

Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing.

All of them.

All of them bear twins.

Not one among them has lost its young.

Your cheeks are like halves of pomegranate.

Behind your veil.

I'm reading more, but there's 60 queens and 80 concubines.

Oh yeah, we'll be done.

Good morning, everybody.

My name's Brent.

I'm the teaching pastor, and we thought we'd have a little bit of fun with the video this morning.

The rest of the videos are serious, but that one, we just thought it'd be good to laugh a little bit.

Anyhow, um, we're gonna be in Song of Solomon 2, 8 to 17.

If you want to go ahead and turn there, I'm gonna pray and we'll get started, okay?

Lord Jesus, we thank you for your word, and I ask that you'd come and you'd speak to us this morning, Lord.

Come and challenge us where we need challenge, encourage us where we need encourage, Lord.

Holy Spirit, would you come and would you speak?

Your name I pray.

Amen.

So before we get into the Song of Solomon this morning, um, there's something that's just kind of been stirring in my spirit, and yeah, I just want to talk to you guys about it.

I I feel like there's probably some of you here in the church, anytime you preach uh through a book like this, there are people in the church, and I'm not saying you're physically doing this, but I I think in your heart you're kind of sitting there like this and kind of rolling your eyes and being like, Brent, if you knew me and you knew my marriage or you knew what was going on in my life, you know this just doesn't apply to me.

Like my marriage is is difficult.

We haven't, we haven't really connected or had a good talk in in a long time.

We haven't had sex in forever, we're sleeping in different bedrooms.

I I don't know what it might be, but in any of those things, and and you just might be like, Yeah, well, we'll get through this series, and when we're done with this, then we'll I'll start listening to sermons again.

Or maybe you're single and you're just like, yeah, I've been single forever, it's never gonna happen for me, and I'm just I'm I'm just gonna kind of check out during this sermon.

And my heart goes out to you if that's you.

I mean, that's that's a hard life to live.

Um, but but what I'd put before you is I think that you've accepted probably one of two lies.

Um the first one you might have accepted is you might think that God's not big enough.

Like God is is physically incapable of helping you, his power isn't enough to actually change your situation.

You know, he might be able to change somebody else's situation, but he doesn't have the power to come and change your situation.

And just real simply, I just want to say he created the heavens and the earth.

I mean, in scripture, you see stories where with a couple of loaves and and a fish, he's able to feed 5,000 people.

He's able to physically raise people from the dead.

There's nothing that God is not capable of, and he's capable of rescuing and restoring your relationships and your marriage if you begin to follow him.

Um I think the other lie that you might be wrestling with is you might be thinking that God's not good enough.

Like he just doesn't care that much about you to actually help you.

And again, that that's just not true.

Like the cross would say that that's not true, right?

Like, do you know Jesus?

He would have gone to the cross if he were the only person on earth.

Like he would have gone just for you so that you could be saved and you could know him.

That's how much he loves you.

And and and what I'm telling you is both of those things are lies, and and God, this this ideal relationship that we see in Song of Solomon that has its imperfections as well.

This is what he wants for all of us.

Um so if that's true, then why hasn't it happened for you yet?

Why are you wrestling and struggling like you are right now?

I would put before you that I think the reason is probably because you don't understand covenant and you're probably starting to operate more by a consumer contract relationship.

So the world around us, it tells us that if you just meet the right person, then things will go well.

And so if things aren't going well, then it's like, well, you just found the wrong person and you just need to leave them and find somebody else, and then you'll be happy.

And so it's all about finding the perfect person.

But that's not true.

Like, that's not what God has told us that we need.

Uh, He's told us that we need to find someone that we can make a covenant with.

So if we could turn to Genesis chapter 12, I just want to talk about covenant a little bit, and then we'll get to Song of Solomon.

Genesis 12 · chapter mention

Genesis chapter 12, verse 1.

Genesis 12:1

It says, Now the Lord said to Abram, Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I'll show you, and I'll make of you a great nation, and I'll bless you, and I'm gonna make your name great so that you'll be a blessing.

I'm gonna bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you, I'll curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.

And this passage, if you look at it in context, there's nothing Abraham did before that to deserve this.

Like it's not because Abraham was such a great guy, or doing so well, or obeying God so much that God comes and just says, I'm gonna bless you.

God just comes and sovereignly says, Abraham, I choose you and I'm gonna bless you.

And so this is what a covenant relationship looks like.

It's it's it's you adjusting to them rather than them, them adjusting to you.

Um so a consumer or contract relationship is when you stay connected to people as long as they meet your needs.

That's a consumer or contract one.

And then a covenant relationship is the opposite of that.

So consumer relationship is basically you treat people the way you treat grocery stores.

So why do you choose to go to the grocery store that you choose to go to?

It might be because it's the closest one.

You just like the convenience, you're trying to save gas and you get there quicker, and that's the one you go to.

I have a grocery store like that.

There's one that we, you know, we need something quick, that's where I go.

There are other times it's based more on the place with the best price.

Maybe they have the freshest produce, maybe they just have the most selection, you just want to get it all done at once.

But it's it's some of those factors are why you choose to go to the grocery store that you choose to go to.

And that's totally fine with grocery stores.

And the thing that'll happen with grocery stores is you'll you'll eventually be going to this grocery store, and then a new grocery store comes to town, and you ditch the old one like a bad habit because this one's closer and it meets your needs more than the previous grocery store did.

Like we all have done that, and we all will continue to do that.

And that's fine with grocery stores, but we're not to treat people like that.

But I think that we often do.

And we can't treat people like that because in Genesis chapter one, it says that we're all created in his image, and that gives us this intrinsic value and worth, right?

And so I'm gonna be borrowing from Timothy Keller's book, Meaning of Marriage.

Great book, if you ever get a chance.

That's where some of these ideas are coming from.

But in the book, he he describes covenant and consumer relationships this way.

He says a covenant relationship is far more loving and intimate than a merely legal relationship.

It's far more loving and far more intimate than a merely legal relationship.

He says it's also far more binding and enduring than one that's just emotional.

And so in a consumer relationship, he says you relate to a vendor and you have a relationship with them as long as they give you the product at a good price, like the grocery stores.

But he says, but what you're doing is you're saying my needs are more important than this relationship.

And as long as I get the most out of my dollar, I'm gonna stay here.

A covenant relationship is the complete opposite.

It says, I will adjust to you.

And because I made a promise, this relationship is more important than my needs.

And so if you get into a relationship and one of you is a covenanter and the other one is a consumer, the covenanter will get exploited every time.

So, great example of a covenant relationship, probably the best one I think we have on this earth, is parents with their children.

So many of you know I just had a new baby, baby bear, and he's a blessing to us.

But what are April and I getting out of the relationship right now?

He he poos in his diaper, we gotta change his diaper all the time.

He sleeps a lot.

He's only awake for like an hour at a time.

If he's awake longer than that, it's kind of a problem.

Um, he cries when he doesn't get fed.

We're getting way less sleep now.

I mean, how has this kid just come and blessed us so much?

Not really.

Like, we're not actually that, he's not encouraging us and saying, you guys are doing a great job.

Like that's not happening, right?

And yet, parents with a newborn baby, they couldn't be happier that they have the baby.

And they couldn't love the baby more.

We couldn't, we couldn't love him more.

And the reason we couldn't love him more is because we've made a covenant with him.

And we've said, I don't care how you act or what you do, I am committed to loving you no matter what.

I'm gonna adjust to you.

And all parents do that.

That's that's what a covenant is to look like.

And in Genesis 2, verse 21 to 25.

Genesis 2:21–25

Um God says this, and he's he's talking really about marriage here.

So 2, 21 to 25.

It says, So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept, he took one of his ribs and he closed it up, it's closed up its place with flesh.

And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man, he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

And the man said, This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

And so what God's saying here is that when we get married, we're to become one flesh, and that means nothing's gonna be hidden.

Like emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, all of that, we're to we're to really in all of those areas get naked with one another and hide nothing from one another.

Everything.

We're just we're an open book to each other.

But the the issue is that in Genesis chapter three, sin enters the world.

They were able to be naked and unashamed in this passage because there was no sin in the world yet.

But then in Genesis chapter three, sin enters into the world, and and now things have kind of changed.

In Ephesians chapter five, Paul uses the same kind of phrase, and he says, the two will become one flesh.

And when Paul fleshes that out in that passage, and we'll get to this passage in a couple weeks, he basically says that we're called to live out the gospel with our spouses.

Like that is that's what we're called to.

And and so the the beauty of the gospel for us is that God knows all our flaws, all our weaknesses, all of our sin, and yet he still chooses to love us.

Not one of us deserves it at all.

Like while we were still sinners, that's when he decided to die for us and give us life.

And so, what God's calling us to do is out of this great reservoir of grace that he's shown us, this undeserved favor that he has shown us, out of that, that's what we're to love our spouse from.

And so what that means is it probably especially when your spouse is really struggling, that's actually when you're to show them grace.

I mean, that's what grace is, it's undeserved favor, right?

And so when you're when your husband is sitting on the couch and you've asked him for the last week to wash the dishes and he has not done it, and he's still sitting on the couch, that's probably when you're being tested.

Are you are you gonna show him grace in this situation?

Are you gonna love him despite that?

When you have a house full of kids someday and they're running around and they're driving you nuts, are you gonna get angry at your spouse or are you gonna choose to show them grace and work through it together?

And listen, showing grace, it's not condoning sin, right?

There's there's times when the most grace-filled thing you can do is to confront your spouse about an issue that you see in their life that that's that's causing some issues with both of you.

And and and but you know, some some other times it it's probably grace to overlook it.

You're gonna need the Holy Spirit's help with that.

What I'm saying is your posture toward your spouse needs to be grace.

And so when you confront them, there's a way to confront them that's totally grace-filled and is trying to build them up.

And there's another way to confront them where you're just criticizing them and just really being mean.

It's all about your posture.

Do you have this posture of grace toward your spouse?

Are you pouring out this kind of extravagant love toward them?

And what I would say, you know, in John, it says that people, the people around us will know we're Christians by our love.

I would say one of the best ways that you can preach the gospel is to love your spouse this way.

Because our culture doesn't have, they they don't understand it.

And when they see it, they're gonna be like, why are you being so loving?

Why are you being so full of grace for your spouse?

And if we want the gospel to go forward in Sugarland and Richmond and Katie and to the ends of the earth, I think one of the first things that we've got to get right is we've got to love one another and love our spouses well.

So my wife and I, we've been married for about 16 years now.

And about two or three years ago, um I was pastoring a church and I was working too much, and I burn out.

I just burnt out.

I mean, I burn out like I had to go to the executive pastor and say, Listen, I'm supposed to preach this week.

I have nothing to say.

Like I knew if I would have got up to preach, I would have just stood there.

I wouldn't have had anything to say.

And so I told him that.

And another thing that was going on is in my in my marriage and with my kids, I just shut down.

I shut down emotionally, and I didn't even talk to them.

Like, I didn't know that I wasn't talking to my wife or my kids, I just wasn't for like a month.

And during this time, my wife did a really good job of loving me despite that.

She was gracious, she was kind, she was loving.

Now I was like, I was shut down.

My wife could have been really mean to me.

She could have been like, what's wrong with you?

Snap out of it.

She could have told our kids, your dad's being so dumb, you he's burnt out, we need to just leave him.

She she could have chosen to leave me in that moment.

But my wife knew that she had made a covenant with me in good times and bad.

She was gonna be there and she was gonna stand by my side.

And you know, I we were able to work our way out of that.

Like eventually I realized I'm not talking to my wife and kids.

This isn't good.

Like, we we need to get some counseling, we need to talk through this.

And we went and we got counseling, we went on some vacations, and I started to get healed.

But that probably wouldn't have happened if my wife wouldn't have shown that grace toward me that I didn't deserve it all.

Now, I know for some of you you hear that and you're just like, Brent, that that's great for you, but that's that's not really that much suffering.

Like, I'm I'm going through something so much worse.

And and if you are, I I my my heart goes out to you.

I'm not I'm not trying to compare, I'm just trying to give an example here.

And here's what I would say to you if that's where you're at.

You've heard me say this before.

If the tomb's empty, anything's possible.

Like Jesus, when he was in the tomb, he would he wasn't just sleeping, he was literally dead.

And God raised a dead man to life.

If he can raise a dead man to life, he can raise your your dead marriage back up.

He can breathe life into it again.

But what it's gonna take is it's gonna take you actually beginning to obey him and operating by covenant and not consumer or contract relationship.

Like it's gonna be, you know, as it means you can't just be kind to your husband because you want him to clean the dishes this week.

Like you can't be kind to your husband for four days and hope that he'll finally get it that he needs to wash the dishes.

That can't be why you do it.

You just need to be kind to your husband because that's what God calls you to, and you're this this ocean of grace that he's shown you, this is just what you want to show him, and you're gonna do it as as long as you have to because it's what God's called you to.

Or if you're the husband, you can't just wash the dishes for three nights straight and then be like, well, I expect some affection now.

That's not how it works.

You've just got to wash the dishes for three nights straight and four nights straight and weeks straight, just because you're given out of this ocean of grace that you've been shown.

And if you begin to do that, I'm telling you that hearts will begin to thaw.

And I think you'll begin to grow closer to each other, but it's not gonna be easy and it might take a long time.

But if you've covenanted with one another, that's what you've committed to.

All right, so that's my sidebar.

Let's get to the text this morning.

We're in uh 2, 8 tonight to 17.

Let's read that and let's let's get into it.

The voice of my beloved, behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills.

My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice.

My beloved speaks, and he says to me, Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.

For behold, the winter's past, the rain is over and gone, the flowers appear on the earth, and the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land.

The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom that give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.

O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.

Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.

My beloved's mine, and I'm his.

He grazes among the lilies, until the day breathes and the shadows flee.

Turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle or a young stag on the cleft mountains.

So verse eight here.

It's it's uh her speaking, and she's saying, The voice of my beloved, behold, he comes, he's leaping over mountains, he's bounding over hills.

And and the thing we want to pick up here is how excited that they're about to go on a date, and this is just the excitement of this date happening.

She is sharing how excited she is to hear his voice, and and she's saying, like, he he's bounding over mountains, he's that excited to go on a date with his spouse.

So this is some serious excitement.

Both of them are equally excited for the date.

And so the question would be, is is this still happening in your marriage?

Do you still get excited when you think about going out with your spouse?

Does that still excite you at all?

Maybe another way to ask this is um ladies, would you want to go on a date with you?

Or for men, would would you want to go on a date with you?

That's something you have to think about.

Because what can happen is we can grow older and get more gracious and more loving and more kind.

And I know people like that that have just grown older and gotten more gracious and loving and kind because they just keep running after Jesus and he keeps changing them.

But you can also get older and get crankier and meaner and crustier.

Like that, that happens too.

And some of those people that that happens to, I think they're Christians, but I think maybe they're just people that just come on Sundays and God hasn't really just fully impacted their heart.

And which one of those two is happening to you?

I have uh I have a friend, he in a way he's kind of a hero of mine.

And when I was living in Taiwan, he came over and he visited, and he's a hero of mine because he knows his Bible so well, he's a great Bible teacher, and he just he just loves Jesus.

And he's one of these guys that as he's gotten older, he just gets more and more gracious and kind and loving.

So I'm out at lunch with him, and we're having a great talk, talking about our lives, our hopes, our dreams.

He's probably 30, 40 years older than me.

And I was out out to lunch with him, and we get to the end, and I tried to pay for him, but he'd already snuck up there and paid, so I didn't get to do that.

And then we're walking out, and this is what stuck with me.

As we're walking out of the restaurant, he said, Thanks so much for hanging out with me.

He said, Thank you for making the time in your schedule to spend time with me.

And I'm there, like, I did I didn't know how to respond.

Like I was kind of, oh yeah, no problem.

I didn't know what to say because I he's not supposed to say that to me.

I'm supposed to say that to him.

Like he's an older man who's busy and probably doesn't have time.

I should be thanking him for making time for me.

But it's like he beat me to it, and he didn't just beat me to it.

He genuinely meant that.

And it just kind of floored me.

See, I think when when you get a chance to hang out with someone, it doesn't have to be your spouse, it doesn't have to be somebody you're dating.

I don't care who you're hanging out with, this is for everybody.

You're hanging out with somebody that is an image bearer of God.

When you go out to lunch with somebody, have you have you thought about that?

You're hanging out with somebody that's an image bearer of God Himself.

C.S.

Lewis says it this way: he says it's a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses.

To remember the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption, such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare.

All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations.

It's in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it's with the awe and the circumspection proper to them that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another.

All friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.

There are no ordinary people.

You've never talked to a mere mortal.

Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations, these are mortal.

And their life is to ours is the life of a gnat.

But it is immortals we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit.

Immortal horrors are everlasting splendors.

That's that's something weighty to think about, isn't it?

And so how are you approaching other human beings?

Are you somebody that you're like, man, they're lucky that I made time for them today?

That's just that's pride and arrogance in your heart.

Are you somebody that you you're just blessed that you Get to hang out with them and you'll you're lucky that they made time for you.

So if you're dating, here's my tip from this passage.

When you're dating, you should be excited to go on a date with them, and you should get more and more excited as you date them.

If that's not happening, if you're slowly getting less and less excited to go on a date with them, you might want to begin thinking about breaking up.

Okay?

So simple.

Verse nine.

My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice.

So this guy, he's he's not being a peepin' tom.

He he just he got there and he's waiting for her to be ready and she isn't ready yet.

Have any other men been in this situation?

You're waiting, she's still not ready.

Like, so what we're learning here is that could possibly be a biblical thing.

Like that just might be something that's happened for hundreds of years.

Um but in reality, this is something that men can be late to.

It's not just the women.

Sometimes it's the women waiting for the man.

That happens too.

So here's what I would say: whichever one of those you two are, if you're gonna go out on a date with your wife and she's somebody that this is constant, you're always late, tell her we're going out at seven, and with the restaurant, schedule it for 7:30.

And then you're there and you're not stressed, you're not rushed, you're like, oh yeah, you're fine, take your time, and then you get there and you're still on time.

So that would be my short, sweet advice.

10 to 14.

My beloved speaks and he says to me, Arise, my love, my beautiful one, come away.

For behold, the winter's past, the rain's over and gone, the flowers appear on the earth, and the time of singing has come.

And the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land.

The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom.

They give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my beautiful one, come away.

And so, what this passage is is saying here is he's saying at the beginning, come away.

He's like arise and come away, and at the end, he's saying again, arise and come away.

And he's he's saying, Let's go, let's go on this date.

But then throughout this passage, 10 to 13, it's talking about spring, right?

And spring is a time of new life and love and dating and romance, and so that's what he's talking about.

He's using that flowery language to encourage her, and he's encouraging her.

He wants her to come out and and be who she is and be real with him.

Um, so let's talk a bit about dating, because they're they're on a date, and how how are we doing with dating?

I think if I asked the men in the church, if I asked you, if I said, you know, how do you take care of your family?

I think a lot of you, your answer would probably be, well, I provide a roof over their heads, I put food on the table, I get my bed to sleep in, that's how I take care of my family.

And that's good.

Like that's good that you're doing that.

My thing is, I think that's kind of the bare minimum.

I think there's more that you can be doing.

Let's think back.

When when you first started dating your spouse, um, you'd you'd dress nice, right?

You'd get a nice shirt on and some nice pants, some nice shoes, and you'd show up at the door, and often you'd have some flowers.

I didn't bring flowers, my wife wasn't into flowers.

She liked coke.

I would bring a can of coke to the door.

I know that's weird, but she was happy, so I was happy.

So I brought a Coke to the door for her.

Um, you used to go and see romantic movies and romantic comedies with her.

You remember going, and you don't, you probably don't like romantic movies, but you'd go because you're just excited to be sitting next to her, holding her hand, right?

Um, and after the movie, you guys would go out together, and you'd probably like you'd be willing to go and get frozen yogurt, and you don't even like frozen yogurt, you prefer ice cream, but again, you're just happy to be near her.

And so you're you're doing that.

And and there were so many things that you did to her to try, did for her and with her because you were trying to woo her and make her interested in you.

And what I what I think, what I'm saying is you have it in you to do this, but you need to continue to do it.

It's not like, well, I got her now, so we're done.

I just need to provide.

It's no, you got her now, and you need to go deeper in love with her, right?

So I would say that no matter if you've been married 15 years, 30 years, or 50 plus years, you should still go on a date if you're physically able.

And I would recommend going on a date at least once a week.

I know there's there's circumstances with that.

I know some of you have kids, and that can be difficult.

I mean, um, you know, some nights because of our kids, we're not able to go out on a date, and we just put the kids to bed and then we order food in and we'll just sit and talk in our house.

That happens sometimes.

That counts as a date.

But I also think that people can sometimes use their kids as an excuse.

They're like, well, we need to love our kids, and we gotta keep the kids at the center, and so you don't actually want your kids to be the center of your marriage or the center of your life.

That's not good for them.

Because Jesus is the center of our lives, right?

And they're they're on the periphery, and and your marriage needs to kind of be number two next to Jesus.

And the best thing for kids is two parents that really love each other well.

So that one of the best things you can do for your kids is to say to them, I'm going on a date with mommy tonight, and you guys gotta stay home with the babysitter, and we're going out, and we're gonna go to your favorite restaurant, and we're gonna love it.

Like that's that's what you need to do, right?

Um, and and that will be good for your children.

So, my advice to men in the church, try to go on a date with your wife at least once a week, maybe once every other week, but you we just gotta get started, right?

And when you go out, try to, you know, try to dress nice.

Maybe don't wear a shirt with a sports logo on it, maybe different kind of shirt.

Um and and something else I would say is she wants you to lead.

Like she hears you on the phone when you're talking to people from work, and she knows how decisive and and and what a leader you can be.

And she wants you to lead her going on a date as well.

And so what I would say is you just need to go to her and say, next Thursday, we're gonna go out, I have the babysitting set up, just be ready at six, I'm gonna surprise you.

Like that would, she'd probably respond well to that.

Um, and when you go out, you need to talk about real life stuff.

Like, you need how do you think we're doing with raising the kids?

How do you feel about our marriage?

Um, you know, if if you made a if somebody gave you a million dollars, how would you spend it?

If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

These you need to talk about this kind of stuff, right?

This is the kind of stuff that you need to be talking about.

You need to be going deeper in relationship.

Um now, wives, if your husbands are listening to the Song of Solomon and they're beginning to start to try to make more of an effort, you can't let your cranky side come out, okay?

Like you can't be like, well, he asked me out, but we're at this restaurant with TVs and he's watching sports the whole time.

It's not like guys try not to do that.

But if he would do that, I would just say at the end of the date, I'd say, man, you did such a good job.

It was great to go on a date with you.

I enjoyed connecting with you.

You know what I'd love even more?

Next time we go out, let's go to a place where you and I can just connect and talk.

And let's, I just want to go deeper with you.

I think most husbands, if they heard that from you, they'd respond well to that.

And that's that's like a gracious and loving way that I think you can communicate with them that maybe they could do a little bit better.

Um, so April and I, I shared a couple weeks ago, we had that moment where she was at those green benches and I noticed her, and I was like, this is a person of godly character.

And that's what you want to look for in dating, a person of godly character.

And so over the next few weeks, um I didn't know it was possible to be that attracted to a woman.

Like over the next few weeks, I just became incredibly attracted to her.

And and so we weren't dating yet, we were just friends, and I had this opportunity.

We were we were part of a missionary training school, and there were like 20 other staff and like a hundred students.

And so I said, I just want to observe her.

And I want to see is this actually the kind of woman that I'd be interested in marrying?

Do we have the same enough similarities or does she love Jesus?

That's the kind of stuff I'm looking for.

And so over time, I just observed her.

I observed how she hung out with her friends, I observed everything about her, how she led.

And then the the leader of the school came to me and he said, We decided where you're gonna go on your field assignment.

You're gonna go to China and we're gonna send you with April.

I mean, I wasn't dating her, so they didn't know anything.

And I'm like, yes, I get to go with her.

I'm gonna learn even more about her.

Like I'm gonna learn, I mean, think about it.

When you're leading a team of students, I'm gonna kind of get a glimpse at how what parenting would look like.

I'm gonna see how she leads.

We're probably gonna face hard times.

I'm gonna see how she deals with hardship.

And so we did.

April and I went on this trip, and I wanted to get to know her even better.

So I said, you know, while we're on this trip, it's really important that we pray for our students.

What if we just met on the roof of the hotel every night to pray for our students?

I think that would be important.

And uh and she agreed.

So we met on the hotel every night and we prayed for the students, and we prayed for the students for like 15 minutes, and then we'd be up there for like another hour just talking about our lives, our dreams, our hopes.

And for me, a month into that, I knew that she was who I wanted to marry.

But I did not tell her that for a year and a half.

Here's why I didn't tell her that.

Sometimes you have some feelings, and you just because you have feelings, it doesn't mean you need to share them.

Because if I would have told April that in that moment, she would have ran.

And so you need to you need to know the other person well enough to know where they're at.

And I knew that wasn't where she was at.

I knew that marriage still it really frightened her.

And so I did not share her with that for like share that with her for a year and a half.

Um, and so don't feel like you need to share everything right away.

Sometimes you need to be led by the Spirit and ask him, is this the right time to share this?

Um so we come to the end of this trip, and we're not dating yet.

And I I go to the school leader, we're gonna have three days in Hong Kong on our way out, and I'm thinking, you know, I'm I know I'm called to be a missionary, and if I'm gonna ask her out, I'd love to ask her in Hong Kong.

It's this beautiful city and beautiful harbor.

And so I went to the school leader, I said, would it be okay if I asked her out?

I want to I want to start dating her.

I don't want to mess the trip up though.

Like I know that we're not the focus.

I know it's about like lead like Jesus and bringing him glory.

So if you want me to wait, I can wait till the end when the school's over.

But you know, we just got a week left.

Would it be okay if I did that?

He said, sure, go for it.

So I made up some lame excuse.

I said, April, um, I need to go to the harbor and get a picture for my mom.

Would you like to come with me and we can just hang out one last time?

And she said yes.

I mean, that's a little bit, that's probably not how you ask your girl on a date.

But that's what I did.

So we're down there at the harbor, and then after that, I did I did better.

I said, April, I I I wasn't completely honest with you.

I'm not just down here for a picture, we can take one.

But I'm down here because I'd like to begin to date you.

Like I see qualities in you that I want in my future wife.

I don't, I'm not saying I know I'm gonna marry you, but I'm saying I'd like to enter into the a relationship with you where we're both trying to figure out if we're the one that we want to marry or not.

It wouldn't be a joke to me.

This would be a relationship I take seriously.

There's just one thing you need to know though.

Like, I know that I'm called to be a missionary.

I know that I'm called to go to unreached peoples and people that are far from God, and I'm I'm probably I don't know if I'm ever gonna live in the States again.

And so if that kind of life doesn't interest you, if you're not, if you don't want to live overseas and do all that, then it'd be easier for me if you just said no right now.

And we can just be friends, that's fine.

And so she looked at me for what felt like 10 minutes with a cheesy smile on her face, and it was probably 30 seconds, and then she said, Yeah, I think I think I'd like that.

So I'll pause the story here.

When you're asking a girl out, guys, I I didn't do everything right there, it wasn't perfect.

Here's what I would suggest to you you need to go to the girl, and you need to not don't be this guy.

Don't go up to the girl and be like, hey, um next week, do you want to just um maybe hang out some?

That's no, don't do that.

And don't text her that either, okay?

Don't text, don't email, don't call.

You want to stand out, right?

Like you want, you want a chance at this girl.

I would say go to her in person and ask her out.

And you wanna you wanna be specific.

Next Thursday, 6 p.m., will you go to torches with me?

I want to date you.

That's how, like, that's what you need to do.

You need to be that clear.

I know that's countercultural, and you just want to text and say you want to hang sometime.

But I'm telling you, if you do this, it's it's gonna increase your odds of this working.

Now, now, ladies, the guy he may struggle with being this clear with you.

And if he struggles with it, then you just need to ask him, what, what, what time, when, where are we gonna go?

Is this a date?

Like, it's okay to ask him that and to draw it out.

Like, our men want to lead, but they might need a little bit of help and just ask questions.

The other thing that I would say to you ladies, if a guy comes to you this week and he asks you out and you're like, man, a guy from Grand Parkway has listened to the sermons, he's actually trying to apply the word.

I love this, but I'm not really into this guy.

You you can say no.

That's okay.

You don't have to go out with him.

His his response is not your worry.

Like it, it's that's between him and God.

And you just need to be faithful.

You you you would be showing him grace by saying no.

You would.

One other thing, guys, when you ask him out, I would make the time that you ask them out like at least a week later.

Because girls saying no, it can be difficult for them.

And you're giving them a week to think about it.

And if they want to back out, they can, right?

And if they do, that that's God's grace to you.

If they do, and you should thank them for it.

Um, okay, so I ask April out, and I had a plan to go on a date that night.

And I, and so this is before Google.

I couldn't just Google and be like, where do I go?

Like phones, you couldn't do that on phones at that time.

And so I had seen this restaurant that I thought was like Outback Steakhouse.

And it was in Hong Kong, I knew where it was, I knew how to get there.

And so I'm taken her to this place, it's like Outback Steakhouse.

We sit down and we look at the menu, and I'm like, what?

So here's the name of the restaurant.

It was Ruth Chris Steakhouse.

That's really different than Outback Steakhouse.

Remember, I'm a missionary, and so like the cheapest thing on the menu was like$90.

And I'm there, it's probably even more now.

I'm like, oh, what did I do?

And April's like, you know, we can go somewhere else if you want.

I said, no, you're worth it.

I'm gonna pay.

I it was like half of my bank account I lost that night, really.

Um but April's worth it.

It worked out.

We got married.

Um but when we got back from China, we were in Hawaii then, and we didn't have much money.

And you don't have to have money to date somebody.

We would go to a grocery store and we buy one drink for like a dollar, and then we'd drive down to the beach, and we'd just sit on the beach in Hawaii and just talk.

That's a great date.

I mean, it was easy because we were in Hawaii, but here's what I would suggest you do.

You do have Google now.

Just Google dates under$15 if you don't have the money, okay?

And a whole bunch of stuff will come up and you'll have places you can go.

If you do have money, don't be a cheapskate, take them some nice places.

214.

Oh my dove in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff.

Um, let me see your face, let me hear your voice.

For your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.

So, again, this is her insecurities coming out.

She's kind of holding back in the in this cliff, and he's saying, I'm a safe place.

You can come out, you're beautiful, just be you.

And so, for girls, you need to demand that this guy that you're dating that that um you need to make him earn the right for you to open up emotionally, right?

Like you shouldn't just your first date, just both of you spill your guts.

That's dangerous for both of you.

You need to be led by the spirit in how much you share and when you share it, right?

Um, I heard somebody say once that you're doing a good job as a husband if your wife feels safe enough with you that she can act like a little girl again.

And I think that's true.

You want your wife to feel just so comfortable with you that she can be cheesy and be a little girl with you again.

And so what I'm talking about here is you need to be real with the people that you're dating.

You can't be fake you, you need to be real you.

And I know you're trying to, you you want them to like you, but if they end up liking a false you, that is not gonna work long term.

I have a friend and he loves camping.

Like I think if you let him, he would just live in a tent on the beach.

That would, he, that would be, he'd be living great.

He'd go surfing all the time, he'd love it.

He's dating this girl, and the girl that he's dating, she loved him and she really wanted to marry him, but she hated camping.

She did not tell him that she hated camping.

So they're dating, they're dating, and they're going camping all the time, and she's just like, oh yeah, this is great.

I love it.

And uh, and then they get married, and they're still married to this day.

They get married, and guess where they went for the honeymoon?

Camping in a tent.

Camping in a tent.

And he thought, this is great, she loves the camping.

He found out on his honeymoon she didn't love camping.

She was finally honest with him.

And that wasn't his fault, that was actually her fault.

Like she should have been real with him.

And listen, they're still married, they're doing fine.

He goes camping a lot, and she doesn't go and they're fine with it.

But um, you gotta be real with each other because you don't want to get in that kind of situation, right?

You want somebody that loves you for who you are and not fake you.

And and just, you know, if if you're somebody that you love Jesus and you're on fire for him right now, one of the quickest ways to derail that, I've seen so many people that love Jesus, and then they just they start dating someone and it completely just gets them off track.

You don't want to date somebody that's gonna pull you away from Jesus.

You want somebody that's gonna make you love Jesus more.

You want somebody you're running after Jesus and you want to look over, and it's somebody that's running with you.

That's the kind of person you want to date.

You don't want somebody that's 50 feet back, okay?

You want somebody running with you or ahead of you.

That's that's the kind of person you want to date.

215, catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil or the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.

I have two words circled in this text.

I have us circled and I have little circled.

I have us circled because they're mutually committed that they're gonna deal with real issues in their relationship as they come up.

I have little circled because it's important that as these issues come up, you you deal with them quickly.

Like you don't want to wait until it becomes a big issue and you need counseling.

You want to deal with the little issues because you'll be able to deal with that.

You see, that that's and and so when you get in a relationship, this is something you both need to be mutually committed to.

This is something we'll talk about a little more later in the book.

Um, but for now, I would just recommend for men in particular, women are more relationally clued in most of the time.

Not all women, but most women are more relationally clued in.

And they're gonna notice if there's issues in your in your relationship.

They just will.

So don't be afraid to ask them.

You need to ask them, are there are there foxes in the vineyard?

Maybe a better way to say it would be is there anything in our relationship or in our family that you're concerned about?

I think if you regularly ask your wife this, she's gonna share with you, and you'll be surprised her answer to some of it sometimes.

And you're gonna want to get defensive.

Don't get defensive.

Just listen.

Just listen.

She doesn't need advice, just listen, right?

Hear her out and no advice, just listen, hear her out.

Maybe a couple days later you can come back and start to work through it.

But you need to ask her, what are the issues you see?

How can we begin to work through this stuff?

Um, and I know some of you you think, you know, well, that's not gonna happen to me because I'm gonna marry the most perfect person ever, and when I get married, we're never gonna fight, and everything's gonna be loving and wonderful.

That's that's kind of the Hollywood theme.

But we got people in the front who've been married a long time and they're laughing right now because that's not gonna happen.

If you've been married for more than a week, you're gonna realize that you're both sinners.

Like, I'll tell you, marriage pointed out to me how selfish and what a sinner I was.

That's that's one of the things I realized.

And then I had kids and I realized I was really selfish, right?

Like that's that's that's God's grace in your life, and it's one of the things He's gonna use to refine you.

So here's my quick advice on uh conflict.

You gotta deal with it.

If you wanna get good at dealing with conflict, you need to get good at repenting of your sin.

You need to get good at repenting of your sin.

You just gotta admit you're wrong.

You gotta say, I messed up.

You asked me to wash the dishes a couple nights ago, I didn't do it, I'm sorry, you deserve better.

Please forgive me.

That's a great apology.

A not good apology is saying, you know what, you know, that wasn't my intent.

I'm sorry I hurt your heart.

Like that, don't that phrase, it wasn't my intent.

Let the politicians and stuff use that.

It's terrible.

Like people don't feel apologized to when you say it wasn't my intent.

You need to actually own your sin.

And you need to say, I'm sorry, it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it.

Like that's the kind of wording they need to hear.

And that that will help your spouse to actually heal from the mistakes that you've made.

216.

My beloved is mine and I'm his.

He grazes among the lilies.

And she just hear her here, her, just like this is their exclusive relationship.

It's just the two of them, and and they're they're fine with that.

They they they love each other.

217.

Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle or a young stag on the cleft of the mountains.

So this is saying what you think it's saying.

This is her saying, I want to be with this man all night long.

That's what she's saying.

And if you read on, and this is all through the book.

There's these double meanings all through the book.

I haven't shared a ton of them with you yet, but it says, um, on the cleft of the mountains.

In Hebrew, it's talking about the twin mountains of Bether.

And if you look on a map in Israel, there are no mountains of Bether.

She's talking about twin peaks, okay?

And she's talking about exactly what you think she's talking about, right?

And she's saying, I want my husband to come and enjoy me.

I I that that's what's happening in the text.

I'm trying to keep it G-rated.

Um and so what I'd pull from this is I'd just say, men and women both, you need to mutually be the one initiating times of affection together.

And here it's it's her, other times it's gonna be him in the book, and it's a healthy relationship, you should both be initiating that sometimes.

Okay?

That's Song of Solomon for this morning, guys.

I know that was a that's a lot.

Um here here's kind of some questions to make you they're gonna come up on the screen, but if you're somebody that as we go through this book, you've just you know, in your heart, you kind of got your arms crossed.

Would you be willing to open your arms and actually let Jesus come in and begin to work?

Would you be willing to try to walk in covenant with your spouse?

Um how are you doing with dating?

Like, do you still want to go on dates with your spouse?

How are you doing with other people?

Do you realize when you hang out with another person, they're an image bearer of God Himself?

Have you thought about that?

And what a privilege it is to just spend time with another human being.

Let's pray.

Lord Jesus, I thank you for this text.

Thank you, Lord, that there have been things we've been able to laugh about, there have been things that have been difficult to hear, there have been things that have been challenging.

Lord, I I ask that um you'd come and you'd speak to us.

As we look over these questions, would your Holy Spirit, would you just come and would you highlight what you want to say to us this morning?

Show us what you're saying, Lord, and what you'd like us to do about it this week.

We want to be obedient people, we want to follow Jesus.

Show us what we should do.

Your name I pray.

Amen.

All right, so thank you everybody that prayed, everybody that served.

Uh it looks like they had an amazing week.

Um, we have another week like that coming up.

We have the Pine Cove City Camp.

So that's the I have a wristband.

This is the wristbands up here.

And we encourage you, if you want to pray for the kids, get a wristband.

I tried this last week for the first time, and man, I'm standing in the shower and I'm like, yeah, I need to pray.

And I just it it helped me to remember to pray for them regularly.

And without this, I would totally forget.

So I encourage you to do that.

If there's some, if there's some people here that you don't know, the Pine Cove City volunteers are all back there in that section.

So we're grateful that you guys are here this morning.

Um if you're new to our church this morning and you just want to get to know us better, there's a card in the back.

And if you just want to put that, there's some uh some buckets in the back.

Not buckets, that's the wrong word.

There's some things in the back that you can put them in.

You'll see what I mean.

And as well, if you want to give, if you want to worship by giving, that's where that goes as well.

If you guys would stand with me, let me pray a blessing over you.

Let's just put our hands out.

Lord Jesus, thank you for for what you taught us this week.

Lord, thank you for the relationships that you've given us.

Lord, help us to help us to honor people as people created in your image this week.

Help us to love them well.

Help us to realize the privilege that we have to interact with other human beings each and every day.

May we walk in that this week, Lord.

In your name I pray.

Amen.

Bless you guys.

Have a good week.