Joy, Friendship, and Intimacy in Marriage | Song of Songs 3:1-5:1

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Lord Jesus, we come before you this morning and uh we want to hear from you, Lord.

Lord, I pray that uh that my joy in knowing you would come out this morning, Lord.

And I pray that as I preach, um, those that are here, I pray that their joy would be awakened in you this morning, Lord.

I pray as we study your word that speaks all about you, that that our joy would just come out this morning, Lord.

Would you come?

Would you speak to us?

Challenge us where we need challenge, encourage us where we need encouraged, Lord.

We want to hear from you this morning.

Your name I pray.

Amen.

Morning, everybody.

My name is Brent.

I'm the teaching pastor here, and we're gonna be in Song of Solomon, chapter three, verses one, and we're gonna go to five, one.

That's how much we're gonna cover this morning.

I'll just let you know, real quick, this is more of a PG 13 sermon than a G sermon.

So if you have any kids that you don't want to be a part of that, please um please send them to kids church.

And uh we are gonna get started here.

So chapter three, verse one, and we'll read that, we're gonna break it up.

So we're gonna go three, one to five, and then I'll do another section, another section.

It's kind of too much to read all at once.

So three, one to five.

On my bed by night, I sought him whom my soul loves.

I sought him, but found him not.

I'll rise now and I'll go about the city in the streets and in the squares.

I'll seek him whom my soul loves.

I sought him, but found him not.

The watchman found me, and they went about in the city.

Have you seen him whom my soul loves?

Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves.

I held him, and I would not let go until I had brought him into my mother's house and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

So what's going on here?

This lady is, she's scared and she has some fears.

And if you look at the first verse, it says, on her bed at night.

That's where this is taking place.

So I think this is a dream that she has.

And it's it's a dream, it's it's a fear-filled dream.

She's afraid that she's gonna lose her spouse, her husband.

And so in the dream, she she's she wakes up, she and and he's not there.

And so she goes out into the city streets and starts looking for him.

And when she's out there looking for him, she raises enough of a ruckus and is being loud enough that the city watchmen find her and they're like, What's wrong with you?

Why are you so, what are you so worked up about?

And she says, Well, I'm I'm worked up because I can't find my husband, and then they begin to search with her.

And then if if you look, she eventually finds him in verse four, and then she just holds him and won't even let go of him.

So, if any of you in your relationships have you ever had something like this happen?

Do you have this kind of fear about your spouse or your friend just leaving you or disappearing from your life?

Um, at the last church I was at, when when services were done and we were at the end, you know, that was kind of our time for our kids to go and run and play, and it was my time to talk to the congregation, and it was April's time to interact with people.

And at that church, we were blessed because my parents went to the church as well.

And so my parents would kind of watch the kids while April and I interacted with people.

Now my parents are starting to get a little bit older, and so they're not able to watch the kids maybe as well as you would like them to, especially very active kids.

And one Sunday, our second youngest son, Noah, um, somebody came to me and said, We can't find Noah.

We don't know where he's at.

And right away, you know, your heart's like, okay, well, don't be too worried.

He's probably just, you know, we just need to find him, he's off somewhere.

And so we begin looking for him.

And we go room by room and we're looking for him.

And as we go room by room, with every room I go to that he's not in, I get more and more worried.

You know that feeling you have as a parent when you're like, this isn't good, you start worrying, like all this stuff starts to go through your brain, and with every room, I get more and more and more concerned.

We finally we searched the entire church building, and my son wasn't in the church building.

So now I'm I'm I'm very concerned because this church, it's um it's in the center of a neighborhood, and there's houses all around the church.

And uh I was like, guys, we gotta go, let's let's look out there, let's go door to door, do what we gotta do, we gotta find my son.

And so we begin to look and we're looking out there and looking and looking, and finally he we find him.

He's on somebody's front porch sitting with them and talking to him.

And that that's where and he wasn't worried at all.

They and yeah.

So I find him, I run up, I give him a big hug.

I'm like, buddy, I'm so happy we found you.

I'm worried, and I was worried about you, and you just you're just like relieved because you had all these concerns that you who knows where he'd end up.

Maybe somebody took him.

I begin talking to the people on the porch, and they start sharing with their life story with me.

I find out they both used to be imprisoned, and that was their background.

And my son is found by these two people that used to be in prison, and I'm like, man, this could have gone way worse than it did.

I'm so grateful we found my son.

When we have close relationships with people, you tend to, these fears will come up in you, and one of the fears will be that you'll you'll lose them, that they'll that they'll get away from you, like what happened with my son.

And what do we do when this happens?

This lady, she holds him and then she takes him to her mother's house into the chamber of her who conceived me.

Now, to be clear, I think what she does here is one, she's taking them to a safe place, but also what's happening is they're having sex.

And the reason I think that is if you go to verse five, it says, I adjure you of daughters of Jerusalem, but like gazelles or the does of the field that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

They're again telling the singles in the audience, like, you need to hold off.

Like you shouldn't stir this up until it's time.

This is your time to wait, wait for the right one.

And I don't think they'd be saying that unless they decided to act on that.

Okay?

But I think there's a principle that we can pull out here.

She takes her husband to her mother's house.

Now, there's two other places in the Old Testament where somebody takes their, where they go to their mother or their father's house.

One is Ruth 1, 8, and 9, and the other one is Genesis 24, 67.

And in both of these passages, they choose to take their spouse or their or their loved one to this safe place.

So when these insecurities and fears begin to come out, we need to find a place to go with them that's a healthy place.

I think the first place that you need to go with these kinds of fears is you need to go to Jesus.

You need to take your anxieties to the Lord.

If you look at 1 Peter 5, 7, it says very, very clearly in this passage.

It says cast all your anxieties on him, talking about God, because he cares for you.

So we live in an anxious age, and people are often full of anxiety.

And what the scripture is challenging us to do is we shouldn't keep that in our heart.

That's something we need to give to God.

It's not for us to carry.

So the first thing you do if you're feeling this is you need to give it to God, and you need to pray and you need to ask him to come and begin you to work in your life.

But I think the other thing that we see is there are wise people in your life that you need to go to as well.

Friends, family.

And you need to get their wisdom when you start to struggle in your relationship.

Now, the problem with this is that when we go to get their wisdom, I think we often don't talk to them the right way.

Um, so you know, in our culture, like culturally, it's totally fine to complain about your spouse and just to rag on them and say all the bad things.

Like I would actually think that most of you at work or you're playing, like at the places where you play sports, the people that you have relationships with there, it's probably pretty common for them to complain about their spouses.

That's kind of culturally what we do.

But for Christians, that's not what we're to do.

Like we we don't have the option of getting to complain about our spouses.

If you look at Ephesians chapter four, it says this.

Because during that, it's it's toxic.

It says, let no Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29, it says, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as good for building up, for building up, as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear, and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Ephesians 4:29

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

And what this passage is saying to me is when we go to these people of wisdom, we need to be going to them in a way where we're gonna be building our spouse up.

It needs to be for our spouse's good that we go to this person.

So let me give you some examples of how you go to them and how you should not go to them.

Um, so I'll I'll give some examples here for our wives in the audience first.

So one of the problems you may have with your husband is when he cleans the house, he might not do that great at it.

So you might be tempted to go to your friend and say this.

You might be saying, My husband, he helps to clean the house sometimes, but he is terrible at it.

He leaves then when he mops, he leaves these nasty streaks all over the floor.

The last time he was mopping, I just grabbed the mop from him and I said, just stop.

You're terrible at this, you can't do anything right, just give me the mop, I'll do it myself, don't even bother.

That's not what you want to do.

That's not gonna help to build your husband up.

You want to go to this other person and you wanna say to them, When my husband, he he often helps to clean in our house, and I'm very grateful that he does that.

But a problem that I have is sometimes when he cleans, he doesn't always do it the right way.

How can I begin to talk to him about that and see that change?

Do you see, do you hear how that, like the the words are completely different?

And one is so you can build your spouse up, and the other one's really just to tear them down.

Give you another example.

Maybe your husband, he he works too much.

And so you go to them and you say, you know, my husband, he never comes home.

He's always at work.

I think he loves his job more than he loves me and the kids.

And I'm so tired of it.

I w I wish he'd just be home more.

I'm I'm just tired of him doing this.

And that's not what I think you should say.

I think you should say to your friend, you should go to them and say, you know, I'm so grateful for my husband.

He does such a good job providing for our family.

He works really hard, but I want more time with him.

And I think our kids want more time with him.

How do I, how do I have that conversation with my husband and begin to get him to want to spend more time with us?

What are some things that I can do?

You see how one is to build up and the other one's more to tear down.

How about the men?

A man might go to this person of wisdom, and if he's not walking in the spirit, he might say, you know, my wife, she is sexually dead.

She has zero interest in sex, she's being so selfish.

I think that she doesn't have sex with me on purpose because she's just trying to make me mad.

I think that's what's happening.

Like that's not building her up.

That's not gonna help anything.

I think what you need to do is you need to go to your friend, you need to say, Listen, my wife and I have discovered we we have different sex drives.

And how do I encourage my wife to grow in passion for this?

How do how do I begin to see things change in this?

What advice would you have?

See, again, those things very different.

I'll give you one more example.

This is how you not you don't do it.

My wife's so disrespectful, she's rude and nasty to me all the time, and some of the things that she says to me are downright hateful.

Now, that that might be true, but I don't think that's the way that you should go to them.

You should go to them with this heart.

You should say, how do I get my wife to respect me more?

Like, I I want I want to hear more encouraging words from my wife, and how do I see that happen?

It's really, it's your heart in how you're asking.

One's to tear your spouse down, and the other one's to build them up.

Secondly, when when you're looking for these people of wisdom, what are some key traits that you're looking for in them?

You want a friend that really loves you and cares for you, and and and they they have wisdom to speak into your life.

They can't be somebody that gossips.

They have to be somebody that when you tell them something, it's staying with them, and it's not gonna go to anybody else.

You you need to know that.

Um, they need to be the kind of people that when they say they'll pray about it, you know that they'll actually do it.

Like they're gonna actually spend time on their knees praying for you this week if you ask them to pray.

They also need to be the kind of person that's not afraid to challenge you.

That's not afraid if you go to them and and there's an issue that you have to say, you know what, I actually think you're the issue in this situation, and you're the one that needs to grow up.

And you could hear that from them.

Those are some traits of what you need to look for.

You need wise people like this speaking into your life, and you're gonna need the Holy Spirit to help you to find these kind of wise people.

3, 6 to 11.

What is that coming up from the wilderness, like columns of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant?

Behold, it's the litter of Solomon.

Around it are sixty mighty men, some of the mighty men of Israel, all of them wearing swords and expert in war, each with his sword at his thigh against terror by night.

King Solomon made himself a carriage from the wood of Lebanon and he made its post of silver, its back of gold, its seat of purple, its interior was inlaid with love by the daughters of Jerusalem.

Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.

So, first thing to note about this is if this is one of Solomon's weddings, if you average out how many weddings you'd have a year according to how many wives he had, he'd have about seventeen weddings a year.

So you're having more than one of these a month in the kingdom.

Okay, so this was a common thing in the kingdom.

Um another thing to note is the way that it's written, it doesn't, it's not Solomon talking about it.

Like it's somebody that's looking at the wedding and describing it.

Did you catch that in the way it's in the way the text is worded?

And so this is why I think it's the simple country couple that wrote the book and not Solomon that wrote the book.

Um and what you see about this wedding is in contrast to the simple country couple, there's all this pomp and circumstance with Solomon's wedding.

It starts off and there's a smoke.

I mean, as this the the whole wedding crew comes forward, there's smoke coming up into the air, and the smoke that's coming up into the air is myrrh and frankincense.

This is like the most expensive, the best smells you can have.

So it's it's not just sight, but also your senses are all being affected.

Your smell, your sense of smell is being affected.

Um, it then says that there's um it's the liter of Solomon, there's 60 mighty men of Israel.

And in 2 Samuel, David, he also has mighty men, right?

And in that case, he had 37.

But you see here with Solomon, he's got 60, so almost twice as many mighty men.

So mighty men, that's like the seal team of today.

So this is like the seal team dudes are walking with him in his wedding.

He's got all the protection you could possibly want, right?

It carries on and it says he made himself a carriage from the wood of Lebanon.

The wood of Lebanon in those days, that was the best wood that you can get.

So this is made out of the best, most expensive wood.

And then his post of silver, backs of gold, seed of purple, all of that is speaking of royalty and money, and that that's that's what this is trying to speak to us.

And then the last verse here, it says, Go out and look upon King Solomon with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.

So Solomon didn't need crowned, he's already the king, right?

But this is a Jewish tradition that on your wedding day, you'd be king and queen and you get crowned.

So that's what's happening here.

So, what's this text saying to us?

I think we see a huge contrast between so far in this text, we've seen the simple country couple who they enjoy themselves out in nature, they enjoy themselves out in the forest, in the fields, and that's where they're like they're interacting.

And then we see Solomon come with all this pomp and all this circumstance, and it's the complete opposite of that.

And I think what the text is saying to us is you don't have to have all of this to have a happy marriage.

The joy that you find in your marriage is not based about on how much money is in your bank account, it's not the joy that you have in your marriage is based on your relationship with Jesus, your relationship with your spouse, and your relationship with your friends.

Those are the things where joy is gonna come from for you.

We know this to be true, but do we live it?

I remember when uh smartphones first came out, and you know, I start researching it.

I'm like, man, I gotta have one of these.

If I get a smartphone, I'm gonna be happy.

Like this will bring joy to my life, and finally I'll be fulfilled, right?

And so finally, one day I saved enough money up.

I get a smartphone, I was happy for about a week, maybe two.

And then I realized this smartphone doesn't do everything I want it to do.

You remember the first smartphones are too slow sometimes, they didn't do half the stuff you wanted.

So really cool at first, but then it was kind of like this doesn't quite reach the mark.

And then a second thing happened.

My wife was upset at me because I'm staring at my phone all the time and not interacting with her, right?

So this thing that I thought would bring me joy and fulfillment, it didn't do it.

I remember when my wife and I were missionaries in in Taiwan, we didn't have a whole lot of money.

We had enough.

God provided enough every week, but we we didn't, or every month, but we didn't have more than enough, really.

It was just enough.

But that season of my life was one of the richest seasons in my life.

We had deep friendships with people that were far from God.

We had deep friendships with Christians, we had a deep relationship with one another.

It was just a wonderful, joyous season of my life.

And then when we moved here to the States, it became a little bit harder because there's such a pool here for more.

Like we want to better car, a better house, we want some shiplap in our living room, we want all of that, right?

And and we think if we get that, it'll make us happy, and we get it sometimes, and then a week later we're not happy, and we still it's just this constant want for more.

So, where do we find true joy?

Paul talks about this in Philippians.

In Philippians chapter chapter three, verses eight and nine, Philippians three, eight and nine.

Paul says this he says, Indeed, I count everything as lost because it's a surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

For his sake I've suffered the loss of all things, and I count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him.

Not having a righteousness from my own that comes from a law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

And this is what Paul's saying.

He's saying, all of that other stuff, all all the all the things that I could put my hope and my trust and my want in, like none of it fulfills, it's all garbage compared to knowing Jesus.

Jesus is where Paul finds his true joy.

I was single and I was uh I was coming home on a plane flight, and I had just spent two months uh in, I think Thailand and India.

I had a month in each, and I'd led this team of young people to these two countries, and we were ministering to people and sharing the gospel with them.

I was ministering to the students.

I saw great growth in the students, I saw God do amazing things in our ministry, and I'm sitting on the plane, flying back to our place of training for the students.

And as I'm sitting on the plane, I have my headphones in, and I don't know what other people on the plane thought of me, but I'm just sitting there crying, just tears of just complete joy at what God did in me.

And this is the song I was listening to.

It's by Jeremy Riddle.

It's called More Than a Friend.

It says, I'm overwhelmed, I'm lost for words to describe you.

Jesus, you're more than a friend.

Jesus, you're more than my heart could ever express.

Your love and your grace never fail me.

Your merciful touch always heals me.

You bring joy to my soul.

Guys, that was before I met April.

And I could not have been more joyful or more grateful for the life that God had given me in that moment.

Do you guys realize that Jesus, he he walked on earth and he had a rather impactful life, right?

Rather influential.

Do you realize he never got married?

As a single man, Jesus had, I don't think he could have had a more joyful or more impactful life than he did.

And what I want you to know, if you're single this morning, you're not a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God.

And and there's not like a limit on the amount of joy that you can have in your life either.

If you know Jesus, you can be full of joy.

And the reason that you can be so full of joy is because of what Christ has done for us.

We we know this, right?

But let me remind you, we all deserve to be burning in hell right now.

That's true.

Like because of our sins, God will be just if he just right now just sent us all to hell.

But he hasn't done that.

Like we've all, each and every one of us, whether you're a follower of Jesus or not, you have been shown grace this morning by the fact that you're sitting here breathing, right?

And he hasn't just shown you grace, like he has shown you grace in such a way he sent his son to deal with your sin problem.

He paid the price on the cross so you wouldn't have to pay it.

And now if you'll turn from your sin and say, Jesus, I'm I'm all in, I'm gonna follow you, he'll he'll remove that and you can have a relationship with Jesus, and that is your source of joy.

So now you can go on missions trips, you can hug your refrigerator when you get home, you can get in your car and be grateful that you have it because you deserve to be burning in hell, but he's given you all of this.

Don't you see that if you're following Jesus, everything around you is grace.

Everything.

And this is where it's gotta start for us in relationships.

You've got to let Jesus take a hold of your heart.

And he and if he does that, if he starts to fill your heart with this love and this grace, you'll have a lot of grace and a lot of love to give to your friends and family.

4 1 to 7.

Behold, you're beautiful, my love.

Behold, you're beautiful, your eyes are doves.

Behold, behind your veil, your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes, they've come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost its young.

Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely, your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil, your neck's like a tower of David built in rows of stone, on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.

Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle that graze among the lilies until the day breeze and the shadows flee.

I'll go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.

You're altogether beautiful, my love.

There is no flaw in you.

So listen, in this passage, they're about to have sex, okay?

That's what's happening, and it's gonna be a beautiful thing.

And I want you to notice where this guy begins.

Because what he's gonna do is he's gonna, he's basically gonna undress her with his words.

Sex isn't just a physical act, it's also a verbal act, and he's verbally gonna undress her with his words.

And notice where he starts.

He says, Your eyes are doves behind your veil.

He's connected with her, like like visually, he is connected with her.

You know, our our eyes, they're they're they're windows to our soul.

It's like you look into them and you see what's what's going on in somebody's heart, right?

And I think it's important when you're married, you've got to keep that connection with your spouse.

You you need to always begin with the eyes.

That that's that's where it should start.

You know, I I told you this a couple weeks ago.

My mom said if there's not a meeting of the minds before there's a meeting of the bodies, there'll never be a meeting of the minds.

And I I'm saying it again because that's just truth.

Like if you get into a relationship and you just start hot and heavy.

Right away, and you never connect emotionally, you'll probably never connect emotionally.

And you might you might fall in lust, but you're not really falling in love, right?

And I know that our culture screams at you that this is what you need to do.

You need to meet somebody and go and sleep with them right away, and that's that's what everybody does, but that's not what people in the kingdom of God do.

We connect with each other emotionally first, and we connect with each other in a deep way.

You'll find that women will give physical to get emotional, women will give physical to get emotional, and men will give emotional to get physical.

And usually, generally, this is true.

So this husband, he deeply loves his wife and he's rejoicing in her body.

And so he's gonna, he's gonna begin to compliment her.

And the compliments are kind of they're a little bit weird, right?

Like, let's be honest, they're a little weird.

Like it says his neck is like a tower of David built on rows of stone.

I don't, I'm not like what's in in our culture, they're comical, but what you need to understand that in their culture, these were amazing compliments, right?

Like time has kind of washed away some of the luster of this, but but what it's done is his creativity has been unleashed.

And it's been unleashed because he is just amazed in in his wife and who she is.

She says, he says, You're altogether beautiful, my love.

There is no flaw in you.

So, you know, guys, when we look in a mirror, if a guy looks in the mirror, it doesn't matter if he's bald or if he's gained a bunch of weight, he looks in that mirror, he says, I'm that's a good-looking man right there.

Like almost all men, right?

Like it doesn't matter what we look like, we look in the mirror and we he's a good-looking man.

A woman doesn't do that.

She, most women look in the mirror and they're like, Well, I got a little extra here, and and oh my, I got bags under my eyes, and my hair, I wish it wasn't so curly, or I wish it wasn't so straight, I wish it wasn't so black, or I wish it wasn't so blonde.

And like that, that's more how women approach things.

But the interesting thing is in this book, this guy, he spent a lot of time describing his spouse, but we kind of we don't really know what she looks like, right?

Like, there's no she's five five, she's got blue eyes and black hair.

Like, that doesn't happen.

We just know that she's dark, and that's about all that we know about her, and then there's all these other descriptions.

I think that happens on purpose in the book.

Because I think if we if we knew exactly what she looked like, we'd be like, well, that's the standard of beauty, and that's how you need to look.

But here's here's what your standard of beauty needs to be in your marriage.

Your spouse.

They are now your standard of beauty once you get married.

And so, guys, that means that when you marry your wife and she's in her 20s and she just looks, she's in the best shape of her life and she's looking good, you love a lady in her 20s.

That's that is what you love.

And then in a couple years, your wife, she's probably gonna get pregnant.

And when she's pregnant, that's your new standard of beauty.

You love pregnant women now.

That's your that's your favorite.

And then after she has the baby, what's gonna happen?

She's probably gonna have some extra pounds on after she has the baby, and now you love a woman who, after she has a baby, has a little bit of extra pounds on, and that that is your standard of beauty now.

And then a couple years later, your wife's gonna be in her 60s or her 80s, her hair's gonna be white, her body's gonna be broken down, and that's what you love now.

You love an older woman now.

Do you see how if you look at pornography, this is never gonna happen?

Because your standard of beauty will just it'll stay an 18-year-old your whole life.

And that's not what we want.

Your wife is or your and or your husband is your standard of beauty at this point.

And so, what this means, if you think about it, is you're gonna be married to like three to five different women over the course of your marriage, right?

Like she's not gonna look the same.

And that's not just true physically, that's also true emotionally.

Your wife is gonna grow and you should grow with her, and you're gonna be married to like three to five different women through the course of your marriage.

So I'm probably on number two or three right now, and I still have more that I get to meet in the future.

Um, and that's a good thing.

One other thing on this topic men, we're created to notice beauty, right?

And so if you see a good-looking woman walking down the street, you can't help it, you just notice, right?

And there's nothing wrong with that.

God created you to notice.

But what is wrong with that is if you don't just notice, but you begin to undress her with your eyes, and then then it's gone too far, right?

So for me, what I do is when I when I notice a good-looking woman, I just say, Thank you, Jesus, for creating her, and I move on.

Because for me, doing I don't say it out loud, but this is just something I say in my heart.

So not out loud, not out loud.

Say in my heart.

And I do that because it's me recognizing that God knows my thoughts, He knows what's going on in my mind, and it's me recognizing, God, you know what's going on.

I'm gonna thank you for that, and we're gonna keep moving, right?

Because I don't want that.

I want my wife to be my standard of beauty, and I want, I just want her, nothing else.

Okay?

So 4, 8 to 16.

It's gonna get more intense.

He says, Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon, depart from the peak of Amana, from the peak of Sener and Haman, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.

You've captivated my heart, my sister, my bride.

You've captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.

How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice, your lips drip nectar, my bride, honey and milk are under your tongue, the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a spring locked, a fountain sealed, your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates, with all its choicest fruits, henna with nard, nard and saffron, calamus, and cinnamon with all trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes with all choice spices, a garden fountain, a well of living water and flowing streams from Lebanon.

Awake, O north wind, come, O south wind, blow upon my garden, let its spices flow.

Let my beloved come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.

I came to my garden, my sister, my bride.

I gathered my myrrh with my spice, I ate my honeycomb with my honey, and I drank my wine with my milk.

So in verse eight, he's he's sent he's telling her to come, and then in verse nine, he's gonna refer to her as his sister.

Are they literally sister and brother?

No, they're not.

That'd be weird.

But in this time and in this culture, that was a common way to refer to your spouse.

You could refer to her as your sister, and what you're saying is this is one of my best friends, this is my best friend.

You'll see the same kind of language in 516 and 8.1.

He called, they call each other brother and sister, and it's saying that they're best friends.

This is the foundation of their marriage, is their friendship.

And so for singles, something that you need to be looking for is somebody's your best friend.

You need to marry your best friend.

So somebody that you think is a little bit good looking and is also your best friend, that's who you need to look for.

Okay?

So this is if you're making a list, that's something I would encourage you to put on it.

For married people, um, you're married now.

And so this is who you've chosen and this is who you're stuck with, and you need to cultivate your friendship and you need to see it grow.

And if they're not your best friend now, you need to pour into that relationship so they eventually become your best friend, right?

And so, how this happens, if you be if you really love someone, you start to love the things that they love.

So for April, my wife does a good job with this.

I like watching football.

In the fall, I'm gonna be watching the games, it's gonna be fun.

And my wife will sit and watch with me, she'll ask me about the games, she knows who my favorite team is.

It's not because my wife loves football as much as I do, it's because she loves me and wants to know what I'm interested in.

Um, I also enjoy playing basketball.

My wife doesn't play basketball, she doesn't, but she has learned about basketball.

And when I get home from playing basketball, she'll ask me about it.

She'll say, How'd it go?

What happened?

And I'll tell her some stories.

And it's just a way that we connect and we get to know each other in a deeper way.

And I try to do the same for her as well.

You need to find things that you as a family and you as a couple enjoy doing, and you need to do them together so that you can grow in friendship.

So, so for our whole family, something that we do is we have a pool in our backyard and we try to get in there a couple times a week.

And, you know, I'm throwing kids all over the place, we're playing games, we're arguing about the games, but like the thing is that we're in the pool and we're connecting and we're having family time together.

April and I and our kids, we're all back there and we're having fun.

When our kids were younger, I get home from work, and Wyatt and Gabe were a year old each, and we'd put them in the stroller and we go for like an hour walk through our town.

And that was such a good time.

April, our boys were happy because there's all this eye candy to look at, and me and April are happy because we get to talk and not have two kids interrupting us.

And it was amazing.

So, I mean, that's the kind of stuff that you need to be doing in your marriage.

Um, Trey and Lee is stronger marriages.

I think they do marriage conferences around the country, and I follow them on Twitter, and they said this.

They said if sex, communication, quality time, or praise are a big deal to your spouse, they need to be a big deal to you.

And that's true.

Like if you love someone, you start to love the things that they love.

My point is, you need to find ways to build friendship in your marriage.

Uh, there's this book I read, and it said the determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is 70% the quality of their friendship.

70%.

And it's it's actually the same for guys.

The same study found the same thing for men.

It's their friendship.

That's that's what that's that's what decides their their satisfaction is sex, romance, and passion.

So here's what I'm saying if you're really good at sex, really good, you're maybe having a half hour of sex a day.

You think about that, you still have 23 and a half hours that it's just the two of you.

And and and what's going on?

Like, do you have a good relationship where you're friends and that's fun for you, or are they just really good looking and you don't know how to talk to them?

Like when you're dating, you don't think about this kind of stuff, but once you get married, this is the reality that you're living in, right?

And and so, are you good friends?

So there's three ways you can do marriage.

You can do it back to back.

So that my back's this way, their back's that way.

We're facing different directions, we got different goals, and that's not good when you do it back to back.

That's not what you want.

A better way is you can work shoulder to shoulder in your marriage.

So this means maybe you're serving together in kids' church here, maybe you're running a business together, and shoulder to shoulder you're working together to accomplish goals in your marriage.

But the best way to do it is face to face.

Because this is this is intimacy, then there's conversation, there's friendship.

So, women, you tend to be better at face to face.

That tends to come more naturally for you.

You you naturally go out with your friends, you have copy with them, you're face to face with them, you're going deep, and you're getting intimate with them.

And so, what I would like to say to you, women, if, and men, you tend to be better at shoulder to shoulder, right?

Like you like to play sports with your friends, go fishing with your friends, work in the car, go golfing.

And when that happens, you're able to share your heart more.

So, women, if you want to build a better friendship with your husband, I would encourage you, you need to start doing some of the things with him that the guys do with him.

Like maybe if he's out in the garage working on the car, go out and help him and just talk to him as he works on the car.

You'll probably find his heart will open up more.

Maybe um, maybe he's going fishing and you're like, hey, can I come with you and just sit in the boat?

I just want to talk and you can fish and could we do that?

Or maybe it's yard work, maybe that's his thing.

You go out and you help him, and as you're working together, you can talk more.

That's what I would encourage you as women to do.

For men, face-to-face is super important.

You need to open up with your wife and tell her what you're really thinking.

Uh, you need to ask her how she's doing.

You need to take her out for coffee and sit and hear what's going on in her life.

You need to maybe in the morning make coffee and then sit there and have a chat before the kids get up.

You need to build some of these healthy rhythms into your life, right?

Intimacy for a wife means into me, see.

Intimacy into me, see.

She wants you to see into her heart.

She wants you to know her so well that you can guess the next word she's gonna say.

I know that's all that's very difficult to do.

But if you study your wife and you know her well, you can get to a point where once in a while you can.

This is the goal, friendship.

Verse 11, they're kissing now.

You know, he said, let lip strip nectar, my bride, honey and milk are under your tongue.

And then in verse 12, it says, She's a garden locked, my sister, my bride, a spring locked, a fountain sealed.

And what it's saying here is her garden's locked, she's only for him, and he is only for her.

So, and then they have sex.

And so, what does the Bible have to say about sex?

In Song of Solomon, we learn that sex is for pleasure.

I mean, all through this book we see sex is for our pleasure.

In Genesis 1.28, it says we should be fruitful and multiply.

So we learn there that sex is for procreation, it's so that we can have children.

In Genesis 2.24, that's where it says the two shall become one flesh.

So sex is a form of oneness for us.

It's a way that we come together and we become more one in a marriage.

In 2 Samuel 12, 24, it says it's David and Bathsheba.

This is after their son has died, and they're both mourning this loss.

And in 2 Samuel 12, 24, David has sex with his wife as he's comforting her in her mourning.

So it's a way that you can comfort your spouse.

And then let's go to 1 Corinthians 7, 1 to 9.

I want to read that one.

1 Corinthians 7, not 1 to 9, 1 to 5.

It says, Now concerning the matters about what you wrote, it's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, but because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband, for the wife doesn't have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

Likewise the husband doesn't have authority over his body, but the wife does.

Don't deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Tatan Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

And so what this passage is saying is in a good, healthy marriage, you should be regularly having sex.

And it and I think um the decision on when you have sex should probably be more on the spouse that desires to have it more often.

I think normally you should probably go with that.

Now, there's there's so many things involved in this, and I don't know that that is always the case, but I I think in general that's what you should do.

Now, people often ask, well, how many times, how often should we have sex?

What's a healthy marriage look like?

I don't know that I really have an answer to that because people's sex drives are so incredibly different.

When I'm counseling with people, I've had, I have people who have sex once a week and they're perfectly happy with that.

Like that is, they're full, their cup's full.

I have other people that they have sex twice a day and that fills their cup.

They're happy with that.

That's a lot to me.

So I think probably somewhere in the middle there is probably what you're shooting for, but um it depends on your sex drive, and it's something you're gonna have to talk to your spouse about.

For the unmarried, in verse 9, Paul says, they if they can't exercise self-control, they should marry, for it's better to marry than burn with passion.

So if you're unmarried and you're wondering if you should get married, if you're burning with passion right now, that's probably a sign that eventually you should be looking for somebody and find somebody to marry.

That'd be my advice.

When we're talking about this topic, there's also people that they come to me and they say, Well, well, what's okay?

Like what sexual acts are okay, what sexual positions are okay?

I don't really want to get into all that this morning.

Here, I'll give you three questions that will help you to see if it's okay.

First question, is it lawful?

Like if you read the Bible, is it prohibited anywhere in there?

And what you're gonna find is the Bible doesn't have a whole lot to say about specific acts.

And so I think most things are okay for you.

Two, is it helpful?

Do you and your spouse both consider this something that's bringing joy into your lives and helping to build one another up?

So is it helpful?

The third thing is, is it enslaving?

So is if you do this, is it something that you could become enslaved to and not be able to get free of?

Right?

So those are three questions I think you can look at.

One of the commentaries I was looking at, it it gave 12 things that healthy couples have, healthy, healthy couples with a healthy sex life, 12 marks of them.

So let me let me give these to you.

They say, one, they make sex a priority.

It's important to them.

Two, they make time for sex.

And what this means is I think sometimes it's gotta be scheduled.

When you have little kids in the home, it can't always be spontaneous.

Sometimes you gotta, okay, tomorrow morning at six or tomorrow night at nine, and you put it on your calendar, and and that's okay.

There's seasons where that needs to happen.

Um, two, they stay, or three, they stay emotionally intimate.

And what I would say is, guys, if you don't stay emotionally intimate with your spouse, you're probably not gonna be having much sex.

Like you need to stay emotionally intimate, and that emotional intimacy is really where your wife's desire for sex comes from.

Um, they know how to touch and what works.

They keep the romance alive by meeting each other's needs.

Now, this can mean, you know, you could take the trash out, and that could be meeting your your spouse's needs.

You could wash the dishes, you could clean the pile of stuff by your bed, and that could be meeting your spouse's needs.

That's the kind of stuff that you need to do for this to happen.

That keeps their sexual anticipation alive.

They know how to play and how to foreplay, both in and out of bed, and they learn to have fun together, play together, and enjoy one another's company.

They know how to talk to each other, they remain lovers and friends.

They maintain a sense of humor and they know how to laugh.

They want to please each other, they cherish each other as a sacred and precious gift of God.

So, how how are we doing on that list?

How many of these things are are marking your marriage?

Let's look at the last half of verse here.

Five, one.

And I believe this is God breaking in.

So they're having sex, and this is God.

He says, Eat friends, drink and be drunk with love.

So this is basically God up in heaven just clapping for him, saying, Go for it.

I I'm I'm for this, I'm for you having sex, I'm for your pleasure, I'm for your joy.

Go for it.

Now, if you grew up in a church like me, where you know they kind of said, you know, sex is bad, so save it for your spouse, that that like this is like a little bit hard for you to understand.

Like God actually created sex and he is for us doing it, and it's for our joy.

Like we're to enjoy this regularly.

So, my my last question here if God is the creator of sex, what does that say about his character?

And and my simple answer is I think it means God really cares about our joy.

He really cares about us getting to experience pleasure.

He's not this grumpy old guy up there waiting to strike you down.

He's actually a God that is for your joy.

And yes, in sex, but also if you're really connected with God, you can find joy no matter where you are.

There was this uh there was a Russian guy, and he was a pastor of a church, and he got imprisoned.

And the place that he imprisoned in was about a thousand miles from where his family lived, and he was in a prison that there were no other Christians in it.

All 1,500 prisoners were all non-Christians.

He was in this prison for 17 years.

And so he's he's telling this guy how he got through it, and he said, Here's how I got through it.

Two things I did.

One, every morning, I would get up and I'd go to the window and I'd face the east, I'd put my arms out and I would sing my heart song to Jesus.

Every morning he'd sing the same song.

He said, The first morning I did it, the response was what you'd expect from a bunch of non-Christians.

People were banging their cups on the wall, they were throwing human waste at me, they were throwing food at me.

Like people just, they they treated me terribly, but it didn't matter.

Every single morning I got up, I sang my heart song to the east.

He said, the other thing that I did is anytime I found a scrap of paper, I'd pick it up and I'd find a pen or pencil somewhere and I'd write every single scripture, every single Christian song on that piece of paper that I could think of.

And then I'd take that paper and I'd get it to stick to the wall.

He said, You could get it to stick to the wall because there was some moisture on the wall.

So I'd stick it up there, and eventually the guards would come by, they'd see the paper, they'd read it, and then he'd go and get beat.

And so this was, I mean, they were torturing him, they were beating him.

This was regular life for him.

So 17 years in, one day the guards come to him and they say, Listen, you're your wife and your children, they're not following Jesus anymore.

We've gotten to them, they're in prison now, too, and they've denied Christ.

And you just, why don't you just give up?

And 17 years in, he said, Fine, if my wife and kids aren't following Jesus, I'll give up.

Tomorrow morning, the paper you wanted me to sign for so long, I'll sign it.

I'll sign a paper saying I'm not a Christian, and I'll sign a paper saying that I've been uh uh a cog of the Western government.

I'll do it tomorrow morning.

So that night he goes to bed, and meanwhile, his family, a thousand miles away who aren't in prison, they'd lied to him.

They have this sense from the Holy Spirit that they need to pray for their dad.

So his wife and his boys, they begin praying for their husband, and as they're praying, him a thousand miles away, God opens his ears and he physically hears them praying for him.

And in that moment, he knows they lied to me.

My family still loves Jesus and they're praying for me.

The next morning the guards come to him and they say, All right, here's the paper.

You gonna sign it?

He's standing there, shoulders back, he says, No, I will not sign that form.

I'm not signing this.

What happened?

I know that you lied to me.

I know I heard my family praying for me last night, and I know that they're still following Jesus, so no, I will not sign that.

A few days later, he says he's walking through the prison and he doesn't just see a little scrap of paper, he sees an entire piece of paper, and he's overjoyed.

Like this is this is how he found joy while he's in prison, right?

He finds this whole piece of paper, he's like, This is awesome, and there's a pencil beside it, too.

And he's like, God has to have done this.

So he picks it up and he starts writing every verse he can think of, every Christian song.

He fills that paper to the brim with just Christian things and things to encourage him, and he tacks it up against the wall.

Sure enough, the guards once again come in and they start dragging him off to beat him.

As he's being drugged off, every prisoner, all 1,500 prisoners, turn to the east and they all start singing the heart song that he sang every single morning.

He said that that song was the most beautiful song he'd ever heard in his life.

The most beautiful hymn that he'd ever heard people sing.

And the guards immediately let go of him and they say, Who are you?

Like, what is happening?

He says to them, he says, I am the son of the living God.

I'm a servant of his.

That's who I am.

Not long after that, he got released.

But what I want you to see in that story is it doesn't matter your life situation.

If you know Jesus, you can find joy.

You can find joy in your life now.

You can find joy in your life no matter what you're going through.

So, what has God been speaking to you this morning?

What has he put on your heart?

What's he want to say to you?

I have some questions that are going to come up here on the screen.

I want you to think through them.

Let's pray.

Lord Jesus.

Thank you that you're a God, that you're for our joy.

Lord, I pray that you'd help us to realize that more.

Some of us think you're up there and you just want to beat us down, Lord, but that's not you.

You are for our joy.

You fight for our joy.

You went to the cross for our joy, Lord.

Pray we'd realize that.

And I pray no matter the situation we're in right now, we'd we'd find joy in you, Lord.

Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

So, what's God saying to you?

What's he telling you to do about it?

So, Lord Jesus, I want to thank you.

I believe that you came and you spoke to us in this time.

And I pray that what you put on our heart and what you're challenging us with, what you're encouraging us with, I pray you'd help us now to go and to live it out, Lord.

Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

All right, so to close here, there's a short video that's going to tell you some things that are going on here in our church.

Thank you for joining us today.

Here's a few things we want you to know.

Missions Weekend is happening this weekend.

Fourth through sixth graders will be equipped and have opportunities to share the gospel.

Register online at grandparkway.org slash events.

There's a kids' volunteer meeting happening July 18th after the 11 a.m.

service.

See you then at the Kids Building.

The Women's Summer Social is happening July 25th.

There will be a delicious dinner and dessert, a photo booth, and more surprises.

Come together and bring friends.

Register at grandparkway.org slash events.

If you're new or would like someone to pray with you, find one of our pastors at the front of the stage at the conclusion of our service.

Okay, so if you're new here today and you'd like to get to know us as a church better, there are little cards in the back of the seats there.

If you could fill one out and put it in the box in the back, we'd love to get to know you better.

Love to go out and uh get lunch or breakfast or something with you and hear your story.

That'd be a lot of fun.

As well, if you want to give, if you want to worship by giving this morning, there's boxes in the back for that.

We encourage you to do so.

Would you guys all stand with me and just put your hands out and receive?

I want to pray a prayer blessing over you this morning.

Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are for our joy.

And I pray anything in us that that's saying you're not, I pray you get that out, Lord, because that's who you are.

You are for our joy.

And I pray that that joy that you show us would overwhelm us this week.

And I pray it'd spill out all over the relationships that we're in.

I pray that they'd know grace, they'd know joy, they'd know love because we know our Father and we know his joy and his grace and his love.

May we live out joy this week.

In your name I pray, Jesus.

Amen.

Have a good July 4th weekend, guys.

Thanks for coming.