Navigating Conflict in Relationships | Song of Songs 5:2-6:13

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Wade and Sally Collier, and we've been married.

16 and a half, 16 years.

16 and a half years, yeah.

One thing we've learned about marriage that has surprised me is that it's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

I think that I thought maybe that it would all be like the honeymoon phase.

And, you know, you get into it and you have kids and bills and, you know, all the just everyday, non-exciting things.

And um it's hard.

It's just harder than I thought it was gonna be, but it's worth it.

Um, and it's good if you're willing to push through the hard and work at it.

When we were in premarital counseling, um, one of the sessions, we took it with a couple, and in one of the sessions they said, what do you think the breakdown is in percentage between marriage and effort?

And we both answered 50-50, and uh the husband was quickly quick to correct us, and he said, No, it's a hundred-a hundred.

Um, and so we've seen that in our marriage.

Um, I think that was surprising from the beginning.

I didn't really think about marriage that way, but something that we have experienced is sometimes it's 150 and 50.

Um, depending on the season of marriage or the season of life rather, and what's going on in our marriage.

Sometimes someone's carrying uh a much bigger load.

And so I think idealistically, I thought it was always gonna be 50-50.

Um, but we've experienced it other ways for sure.

All right, good morning, church.

My name's Brent.

I'm the teaching pastor here.

I want to thank Wade and uh Sally for sharing with us this morning.

Let's pray.

Lord Jesus, thank you for this book.

And Lord, man, everybody in this room, we all have some conflict with other people, and that's what we're gonna talk about this morning, Lord.

So I pray, would you just um open our hearts to what you have to say, Lord, and help us to trust you with this uh with this with this issue, Lord.

Challenge us where we need challenge, encourage us where we need encourage, Lord.

We want to hear from you, Jesus.

Your name I pray.

Amen.

So I'm gonna do what I did uh two weeks ago, where I just kind of break it up in sections.

I'll read the section, we'll talk about it, then I'll read the next section, okay?

So uh I wanna read 5-2, chapter 5, verses 2 through 8 to begin, okay?

I slept, but my heart was awake, a sound, my beloved is knocking.

Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with drops of the night.

I had put off my garment, how could I put it on?

I'd bathed my feet, how could I soil them?

My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me.

I rose to open to my beloved, and my hands drip with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh on the handles of the bolt.

I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone.

My soul failed me when he spoke.

I sought him, but found him not.

I called him, but he gave no answer.

The watchmen found me as they went about in the city, they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.

I drew you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him, I'm sick with love.

All right.

So it starts off, and and she says that she slept, but her heart was awake.

This is the second time we've seen that kind of language in this book.

And again, I think it's just saying, I think this is a dream that she has, right?

So I think these verses, this is a dream that she has while she's laying on her bed at night, and some of her fears and insecurities are coming out.

And and so what's happened here is uh, you know, it says that he comes home and it says his head is wet with dew and his locks with drops of the night.

And so I think she was expecting him to get home a lot earlier than what he did, and he is getting home late.

Now that could be because he went out for wings with the guys, it could be because he's working late, we don't know, but she expected him to get back a lot sooner than what he did, and so he's getting back late.

And so he's there at the door, and and and so she says, Well, I'd put my garment off.

How could I put it on?

I'd bathe my feet, how could I soil them?

And and so she's kind of like, I don't know that I have the energy to get up right now and get the door for you.

I mean, he he hasn't, he he forgot his keys, he needs let in.

And she's like, Yeah, I'm already cleaned up, I'm half asleep, I don't, I don't have the energy for this right now.

And and so she's got some some uh some anger in her toward him for what he has done, right?

Like she he he she expected him back sooner, he hasn't come, and she's like, Well, I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna punish him.

This isn't this isn't gonna work.

And so then he he puts his hand to the latch, and when he puts his hand to the latch, her heart's thrilled within her.

And so it's like suddenly she remembers who it is that's at the door.

This is her beloved, this is her husband, this is the man that she loves, and she's like, Yeah, I'm I'm excited.

And so she starts, she runs over to go and get the door for him.

Remember, this is all dream.

She runs over to get the door for him.

She says, I rose to open to my beloved, and my hands drip with myrrh.

And so as she's going to the door, I think what happened is she probably splashed on a little bit of perfume.

And so now there's some excitement about what's gonna happen.

There's gonna be a wonderful meeting of these two together.

That's what you're expecting.

And she says, I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone.

So she didn't go and open the door in time.

And so he leaves in a huff.

She didn't get the door for me.

I'm just I'll go stay at my friend's house for the night or something, right?

And so then in verse 7, it says, The watchman found her, and they went about in the city, they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.

Um, and so this part's a little bit weird, but you gotta remember it's a dream, right?

Like dreams get weird.

Like I remember I when I was young, I had a recurring nightmare.

And in this nightmare, I'm in the sky, way up high, and I'm falling, and the ground keeps getting closer, and I'd wake up every time before I hit the ground in my house.

My heart's like pounding out of my chest, right?

And I'd be like, Oh, I'm so happy.

And then I have trouble getting back to sleep because my adrenaline's all amped up.

But I think this is that kind of dream.

Like, this is something that she's afraid of, that these that these men, these strange men, would find her and beat her.

But that I don't think it literally happened.

I think this is a fear in her dream.

And so then in verse eight, she she says to these daughters of Jerusalem, she says, If you find my beloved, will you tell him I'm sick with love?

And then I think the dream ends there, right?

So, what happened here?

The the in this marriage, there is a conflict.

He's gotten home too late, she's upset with him, and so there's conflict in the marriage.

This isn't the first time we've seen it.

They don't have a perfect relationship, they have a wonderful relationship, but it's it's far from perfect, and they still have conflict.

And so I think for each and every one of us, we've all have conflict with people.

Some of us, most of us, probably have conflict with people right now.

And it's not just your spouse, it's your friends, it's your parents, it's it's everybody.

We you you tend to have conflict with people because people are sinners and they do wrong stuff, and we get upset, and then now we got now we got bad blood, right?

Like that's that's what happens.

So, how do we deal with conflict in marriage?

And and where specifically does conflict come from?

Think in your marriage you'll find you'll have four areas that really kind of the conflict comes from.

The first one will be money and just conflicts over how you're gonna spend your money.

What do you how are you gonna spend your finances?

The second one will be sex, and and usually it's about how often you have it.

And one person will want to have it more often, another person won't want to have it as often, is that that's something you're gonna have to work out in your marriage.

Another one will be relationships, and I'm talking about relationships with your friends, with your with your mom and dad, like stuff like where are you gonna go for Thanksgiving?

Because you used to always be with your parents, but now you got two sets of parents, and and how's that gonna work out?

And you're gonna have to resolve that.

And then I think the final thing that you're gonna have issues with in marriage is communication.

And one of you might talk a lot, another one might talk a little.

You might think you communicated really clearly, and they might have completely missed the point and gotten something completely different.

And you're gonna have to learn to communicate with your spouse in a way where they actually get things.

And so, of these four things, each of them really what's happening is you have desires and expectations that you want to be met, and they're not being met in these four areas, right?

Like if we could summarize it, that's what's happening.

And so if you go over to James, James would kind of agree with this assessment.

So, James, he's gonna say, you know, why do we have arguments?

Why do we have fights among us?

Let's look at James chapter four, verse one.

He says, What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?

Is it not this that your passions are at war within you?

You desire and you do not have, so you murder, you covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

You do not have because you do not ask.

You ask and you do not receive because you ask wrongly to spend it on your passions.

And so what James is saying is our problems are, you know, you maybe you got some extra money every month, and you're like, I want to invest this in crypto and I want to make money for the family.

And your spouse is like, no, I don't want to invest in Bitcoin.

I want to put it toward our mortgage and pay our mortgage off earlier.

And so you each have desires and they're not being met.

Or um, maybe for you, it's like you'd really like your spouse to just sit and listen to you, but they don't do it because they're always looking at the phone and they're not paying attention to you.

And and so you have a desire, that's a godly desire that you want met and it's not being met.

Um, some of you you might want to help cleaning and and and cooking and caring for the children, and your spouse is just always at the office working and and they're they're neglecting you.

And again, you have a desire, you want it to be met, but it's not being met.

And and I don't think our culture is helping with this either.

One of our one of our burger chains, they're they're saying is your way right away.

That's that I mean, for a burger chain, that's good, but like if if you're living your life that way and you want everything your way right away, that's not gonna go well in your marriage, right?

I think even our smartphones have kind of conditioned us to get more and more selfish and to want uh our expectations and our desires to be met immediately.

I was at um, we were out and and we were we were trying to go to a restaurant.

I was trying to decide which restaurant's the best.

So I'm trying to look on my phone and see the restaurant's ratings, and I start looking it up, and and it's taking too long.

Like it's taken more than three seconds for this information to come up on my phone, and I'm like, what is wrong with this thing?

Like, why is it taking so long?

Maybe I should get rid of my apple when I need an Android, right?

Like, we've all had that happen.

Our expectations and our desires, we want them met immediately, and when they aren't, we start to get upset.

Blaise Pascal, he said this: he said, All men seek happiness.

This is without exception.

Whatever different means they employ, they will all tend to this end.

The cause of some going to war and of others avoiding it is the same desire in both, attended with different views.

The the will never takes the least step but to this object.

This is the motive of every action of man, even those who hang themselves.

And so, what he's saying is that all of us are seeking our own personal happiness, right?

And so when that's not met, that's when we start to get in arguments.

And what James is saying here is that he's saying the same thing, but he's saying, like, what you need to do as a believer is you need to submit your desires and your expectations and your passions to Jesus, and you need to let him help you sort out which desires are godly and which ones are ungodly desires, right?

So let's talk a little bit about how, in a minute, I want to talk a little bit about how we how we confront each other.

My wife and I, when we were on our honeymoon, we were about a week and a half into our marriage, we're at we're at this hotel and we go out to lunch one day.

And so we're at lunch, and we're we ordered, we'd already ordered our food, and we're just sitting there waiting for the food to come, and I think things are going great.

And my wife looks at me very seriously and she says, Brent, is this us?

And I'm like, What are you talking about?

What's happening?

Like, I had no clue.

I was completely clueless.

And she says, and and now like tears start coming out her eyes.

She says, Is this gonna be us when we're 80 years old?

We just sit here and we don't even talk to each other.

Are we that couple?

And this is a week and a half into marriage.

And I'm like, What?

Like, what is what are you talking about?

And so here's what was happening.

When I when I'm in a restaurant and I haven't I haven't gotten my food yet, and I'm hungry, I get kind of hangry and I don't have much to say.

I'm very quiet until the food comes, I get a little food in me, and then I'm ready to talk, right?

But what I found out in this moment, and my wife was confronting me about, she had a desire that wasn't being met.

She didn't want to just sit there and not say anything, she wanted to converse with me.

And I didn't even realize this was an issue in my life because nobody ever confronted me about it.

I just sat there quiet with my friends before, and they my guy friends didn't complain.

But but with my wife, I realized like I'm gonna have to talk.

And my wife was right to confront me on that.

And just so you know, if you go out to lunch with me this week or something, like I don't do that anymore.

My wife has talked to me about that, and I've grown.

I I I grew out of that, but what I was doing is she's asking me questions, and I'm just kind of grunting in return and barely responding.

And she was she was getting tired of that.

But you see, my wife had a desire that she wanted met, it wasn't being met, and so she chose to challenge me on that.

And because she challenged me, it allowed me to grow.

So I want to give you some advice on how to challenge each other in a healthy way, how to how to confront one another in a healthy way.

For some of you, I know that you've been sinned against in in pretty terrible ways.

And for those of you that that that that's the truth, and and man, you're like, Brant, if you give me some tips on confronting people, you don't even understand, we're not even talking anymore.

Like we we need more help than that.

And if that's you, come and talk to one of our pastors, you know, go to a counselor.

I realize sometimes we dig ourselves so deep into conflict that it's hard to dig back out, and we need some help to get out.

And if that's true, I would encourage you to do that.

I've been in that position before and I had to get some help to get out, and that's a good thing.

But for the rest of us, these are tools for any situation.

It doesn't matter if you're married, you're single, your friends, your family, these are these are some tools that will work.

So a few thoughts.

When when you want to go and you want to confront someone, the first thing is um you don't want to challenge them at a time that's convenient for you.

You want to do it at a time that's convenient for them.

Because your goal is their growth.

You want to see them grow in Christ.

And so if you go and you confront them about the sin issue, um, when they just got home from work or they just had a bad day, it's probably not gonna go well.

It might be a good time for you, but it's not a good time for them.

And so you need to make sure you pick a time that works best for them when they're having a good day, they have some energy to give toward it.

That's the kind of time that you want to confront them.

Another thing you want to do before you confront people is you wanna pray.

And you wanna pray for them and you wanna pray for yourself.

And you wanna pray, God, would you give me the right way to confront them?

Would you give me the words to say in the right tone?

But you also want to pray, God, have I done anything wrong in this situation?

Is there anywhere that like I've sinned in this situation against them?

And so, point three, if there is anywhere that you've messed up in this situation, it helps a lot when you go to confront them.

If the first thing you do is you're humble and you say, Listen, last night when we had that argument, I was way too angry.

I lost my temper and that was wrong.

Will you please forgive me?

If if you do that, it actually makes it way easier for them to be able to confess their sin as well, because you're kind of making an on-ramp for them.

You've been humble and you've been willing to admit, and it's just way easier for them to now respond in kind if you've already done that.

Now, if you haven't, you can't do that.

But if you have, I highly recommend doing that because humility, humility is just attractive and it will draw them to you.

And I think it's more likely they're gonna be willing to admit their mistake as well.

Another thing you need to do when you confront people, you need to be clear what you're challenging them on.

You can't be so vague that they don't even know what you're talking about.

You need to pick one or two things, and those need to be the issues you go and confront them on.

You can't have a list of like seven things, that's too much.

Just one or two things and go and confront them on those one or two things and be clear about what the issues are.

When you're being clear about the issues, don't use absolute statements.

Don't use the words always, don't use the words never, because if if if the people that you're confronting are anything like me, when I hear always or never, I that's my out.

Like I'm like, well, that's not true.

I don't always do that.

I haven't never done that.

I did that last week.

And you like I just start thinking of excuses immediately and I write the person off that's confronting me.

I shouldn't do that, but I have a tendency to do that.

And you don't want them to do that.

So instead I would say, you know, last night when we were talking, it made me feel hurt when you said, and just say what they said and then let them respond to it, right?

Last night when we were talking, it made me feel hurt when you said, and then yeah, you let them respond.

Another thing I encourage you to do is to use the sandwich method.

This is very simple, but again, this is this will help.

Um, and so the sandwich method is you encourage them, you find a few things to encourage them about, some things you appreciate about them, then you challenge them, the meat of the sandwich.

So we got the bread, then we got the meat, we're gonna challenge them.

This is the issue, and then when you're done, you you encourage them.

This is what I appreciate about you, you're firm in the relationship, right?

It's a simple thing.

One final thing you can do is you can challenge them through their gifting.

So at my old church, we had a residency program where we're training guys up how to plant churches and be pastors.

And one of the things we did in that program is they would get up in front of us and teach, and then we'd give them critique.

When I would critique them, I would say to them, I would say, Listen, I'm gonna critique you now, but I'm critiquing you because I actually believe that you have the gift of God in you and He's called you to pastor.

And when you pastor one day, I want you to be successful and I want you to preach in such a way that people will hear you and you can have the greatest amount of success possible and reach the most people possible.

So that's the heart in which I'm bringing this confrontation.

And then I would talk to them and I'd be like, you know, your sermon, you had 15 points in it.

That's probably too many.

Let's narrow it down to one or two.

But do you see, if I would have just done, if if I wouldn't have done the beginning part and I would have just said, hey, your sermon, too many points, just have one or two, not 15.

I don't know that they'd be able to receive that because they don't they don't know me well enough yet.

They don't know that I'm for them and that I love them.

But when you confront people through their giftings, they're gonna feel like you're on their team.

And sometimes they won't even be aware that you're confronting them because it's it's just you giving healthy correction to what they did wrong.

So confront people through their gifting.

And then finally, if if a person's humble and they apologize to you and they say, you know, I'm sorry, I I totally screwed up, I would encourage you to pray with them then.

Pray together.

I'd encourage you, ask them, is there any way that I can help you to continue to grow in this area?

Um, what you're gonna find though, and this was me when we were first married, and I'm sorry that my wife had to go through this, but when we were first married, my wife would confront me, and when she confronted me, I knew she was right.

In the moment, I knew she was right, but I wouldn't admit it.

I would wait like a week or two, and I'd be talking to one of my friends, and as I'm talking to my friend, I'd admit what I did wrong to my friend in the hearing of my wife, and and what was going on is there was insecurity in me.

I didn't want to admit that I was weak and then I did wrong things.

When I did that, my wife would often be like, Hey, I heard that.

I know what you you know, like it didn't really work.

I here's what you need to do when somebody confronts you.

You just need to admit it.

Like I knew I was wrong, and I could have done that way quicker.

I'm learning to do that, I'm much better at that now, but you just need to say you're right.

You got me there.

I'm I I was wrong, I shouldn't have done that.

Please forgive me.

And so now we're talking about forgiveness, right?

So we're talking about how to confront, but if you're gonna confront people, then forgiveness gets involved in the situation.

And so I think when you're confronting people, there can be this thing where it's like, I want to win this argument.

And if you're in a marriage and you're trying to win and you win an argument, you kind of lost the argument, right?

Because the goal in marriage isn't to win arguments, the goal in marriage is for you guys to grow closer to Jesus.

So let's talk a little bit about forgiveness.

Let's go to Matthew chapter 18.

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

Matthew chapter 18.

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

And this is some stuff that, you know, Song of Songs doesn't give us everything we need to talk about forgiveness.

So we're gonna go to Matthew 18, and Matthew 18 kind of gives us a little more uh depth on this topic.

And so in in verses 15 to 20, Jesus talks about forgiveness and how we need to forgive.

In verse 21, Peter then comes up to him and he asks him some questions.

So I want to read 21 and 22.

Uh, Matthew 18, 21 and 22.

Peter comes up to him and he said, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him?

As many as seven times?

Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

And so Peter's coming up to him and he's asking Jesus, like, okay, you said we need to forgive.

How many times do I need to do it?

And you need to understand, culturally, in Judaism, you were only required to forgive somebody three times.

And if you did that, you were a good person and you were doing great.

And if they sinned again, you could just write them off.

You didn't have to deal with them anymore because you already did your three.

And so Peter, by coming to Jesus and saying, Hey, should I forgive him seven times?

He's doubled it, he's made it God's perfect number seven.

He thinks he's killing it.

Like he's like, This is amazing grace.

And Jesus is like, actually, that's not amazing grace.

Amazing grace is 77 times.

And really, what Jesus is saying there is you never stop forgiving.

You always need to forgive your friends.

Uh Peter thinks seven times is amazing, great, but Jesus is replying, he's saying, That's barely grace at all.

That is bankrupt grace compared to the grace I offer.

And so then Jesus in verses 23 to 35, he's gonna explain what he's talking about.

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.

When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents, and since he could not pay his master, he ordered him to be sold with his wife and children and all that he had in payment to be made.

So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, Have patience with me, I will pay you everything.

And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him he began to choke him, saying, Pay what you owe.

So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, Have patience with me, and I'll pay you.

He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.

When his fellow servant, Saul fellow servants, saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.

Then his master summoned him and said to him, You wicked servant, I forgave you all of that debt because you pleaded with me.

And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?

And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers until he should pay all of his debt.

So also my heavenly father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

All right, so what's going on here?

Um, in verse twenty four.

It says that he had 10,000 talents.

That was what he owed.

How much money is that?

A talent is the equivalent of 20 years' wages.

Okay, so let me do a little math for you.

This would be 10,000 times 20 years of work.

That's 200,000 years of work that he has to pay off.

Let me help you a little bit more.

If you figure a lifetime, 70 years, that'd be 2,857 lifetimes worth of debt he needs to pay off.

If you assume that you're making$30,000 a year, this would be at least$6 billion in debt.

This is an amount that this guy could never pay.

So in verse uh 26, where he says, I'll pay you everything, that's not happening.

He's not capable of paying this amount.

Like there's there's no crypto that you can invest in and get rich quick.

There's there's no like stock market, like none of that's happening.

This is an amount that is utterly impossible for him to ever pay off.

Now, in verse 28, how much does the other guy owe?

He owes a hundred denarii.

How much is that?

So that's about 12, that's about 20 weeks of common labor, 20 weeks of common labor, which would be about$12,000.

Now, if your friend owed you$12,000, you'd want them to pay you back.

Like that's a significant amount that you would want paid back.

However, when you owed six billion and somebody forgave you, and then your friend comes and they owe you$12,000 and you can't find it within yourself to forgive, do you see the problem, right?

So that's that's what's going on in the text.

That's what's happening.

And so I think the main reason that we struggle to forgive is we think that our sin is not that bad.

I think most of us, we don't think that we owe God six billion dollars, and that it's an amount that we could never repay.

That's the point of the story.

It's an amount that can never be repaid.

We think our debt's more like 12,000 than there's actually a chance of us being able to pay it off.

But we can't do that.

And so uh Jesus wants Peter to see what he's asking him to do is impossible without God.

Look at verse 35.

He says, So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from the heart.

And so here's what God's saying: no heart that is truly repentant toward God could be unforgiving toward others.

No heart that's truly repentant toward God could be unforgiving toward others.

A lack of forgiveness toward others is a direct result of a lack of repentance toward God.

So it says here as well that we got to do this from the heart.

You know, I remember my parents when when I would get in trouble, you know, with my brother and sister, we'd be fighting about something.

And then my parents would say, Brent, like you can't be doing that.

You need to, you need to forgive your brother and sister.

And so I'd say, I with all the sassiness I could in my voice, I'd say, I forgive you, you know, just and I get it done with, and and and then it was kind of over.

But what this passage is saying is that's not what we can do.

Like we can't just fine, I'll forgive them.

Like that's like it has to actually come from our heart.

How does it, how, how do we get to the point that we can get this to come from our heart?

Who's Peter in this story?

Peter's the guy with the six billion dollar debt who has a friend come and say, hey, who gets forgiven, and then he has a friend come who owes him 12,000 and he's gonna throw that guy in jail now.

And that's not just Peter, guys, that's each and every one of us.

We owe a debt that we could not possibly pay.

And then you have some friends and family who wrong you and hurt you, you have conflict with them, and you say, I'm not gonna forgive them.

And God looks at that and he says, He says, What are you talking about?

And so some people, you know, they'll say, you know, you just gotta forgive and forget, just let it go.

But I don't think that's actually what we should do.

And I don't even think that's what this passage tells us to do.

Because here's what I think this passage is saying.

God gets the person who sinned against you, how much they hurt you and how much your heart is in deep pain right now.

He doesn't take that lightly.

In fact, he says that there's a price to be paid for what that person did to you, a great price to be paid for what they did for you.

And he he doesn't take it lightly at all.

In fact, Jesus comes to you this morning.

If you're somebody that's been hurt, you've been wronged, he comes to you this morning, he says, This is how I've dealt with this.

He says, I went to the cross.

See my scars on my hands?

I suffered.

I died.

Look at the lashes on my back.

39 times they beat me, almost to the point of death.

And then finally on that cross, I actually died.

And I didn't just die for you, I died for the person that sinned against you as well.

Is that enough punishment for them?

I mean, how much would it actually be enough?

And what Jesus did is he finally paid that penalty once and for all.

Timothy Keller, he defines forgiveness this way.

He says, forgiveness is the means of giving up the right to seek repayment from one who harmed you.

It's the right to, it's the it's giving up the right to seek repayment from the one who harmed you.

He says, All forgiveness is voluntary suffering.

It's voluntary suffering.

So here's how it works.

Economically, if you have a lamp that costs$50 and your friend breaks the lamp or takes the lamp from you, you now have a choice.

You can choose to forgive your friend for breaking the lamp.

And if you forgive them, you now either are gonna have to go buy a new lamp that will cost you$50 or live the rest of your life without a lamp, right?

Or the other option is your friend can go and pay$50 and get a new lamp.

But either way, that debt has to be paid, right?

Like somebody's gonna pay the debt.

Keller, he also says this about forgiveness.

He says, ultimately, any love that's afraid to confront the beloved is really not love, but a selfish desire to be loved.

Cowardice is always selfish.

Putting your own needs ahead of the needs of the other.

Love that says, I'll do anything to keep him or her loving and approving of me, is not real love at all.

It's not loving the person, it's loving the love you get from the person.

True love is willing to confront, even to lose the beloved in the short run, if there is any chance to help him or her.

So I remember back when April and I were dating and there'd be issues come up and I'd have to confront her about it.

And I remember before I confronted her, I'd be scared.

I'd be like, man, if I confront her on this, she might not like it.

She might break up with me.

It could be the end.

Or early on in our marriage as well, I'd be like, man, I need to confront her about this.

Man, if I confront her about this, she could end up divorcing me.

Like, this could make her upset.

And over time, trust grew, and I don't I don't worry about that anymore.

But but what Keller's talking about here is real.

This is this is the kind of things we worry about with our friends.

You know, if I actually if I actually talk to them about what's upsetting me, they could just they could ditch me.

But if you really love your friend, you will talk to them.

So do you see that the people who love you the most are actually the people that are willing to challenge and confront you?

That's when you find out who your real friends are.

So, if there's anybody in your life right now that you have coldness or irritability toward them, or you you have that toward them, or you feel that they have it toward you, what scripture says is that it's your responsibility as a believer to step into that space and begin that conversation.

Um, one final thing I want to say about forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn't mean I trust you, it means I want to re-establish trust with you.

That's very different, right?

And and how fast you re-establish that trust, it depends on the severity of their sin.

It depends on how quickly they change their behavior.

And I would actually say if their behavior doesn't change, it's probably not wise to enter into a relationship with them.

So forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Those are two separate things.

God calls us always to forgive, but reconciliation takes both parties.

And for reconciliation to happen, both of you need to repent and admit what you did was wrong and begin to change your behavior, and then you're truly reconciled.

And if one party won't do that, you cannot be reconciled, right?

So that's forgiveness.

Let's go back to Song of Solomon now.

I want to look at chapter five, verse nine.

It says, What's your beloved more than another beloved, almost beautiful among women?

What's your beloved more than another beloved, that you that you just thus adjure us?

And what they're asking her is tell us how's your husband treat you?

What kind of man is he?

And this has been in this text multiple times.

They've been asking, you know, there's been people involved in their lives that are asking, how is your marriage going?

Is he treating you the way that you should be treated?

And I want to ask us again, because this is repeated, repeated stuff in scripture, it's important, right?

Do you have people in your lives asking you stuff like this?

Dating people, do you have people in your lives that are involved in it and are asking you questions about how that person is treating you?

It continues then.

She answers them in 510.

She says, My beloved's radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand, his head's the finest gold, his locks are wavy, black as a raven, his eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool.

His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet spelling herbs, his lips are lilies dripping liquid myrrh, his arms are rods of gold set with jewels, his body's polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires, his legs are alabaster columns set on bases of gold, his appearance like Lebanon, choice as the cedars, his mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.

This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

So you know, there's something really interesting here.

She just had a dream about conflict with her husband, right?

Her friends ask her, Tell us about your husband, and what you would expect her to do is to say something really negative here, right?

To be like, Man, that guy, he he stayed out late again.

He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about our kids, he just comes home whenever he wants.

Like that's kind of what we'd expect her to say, right?

But that's not what she does, is it?

She actually has just glowing things to say about her husband.

How many of us would would be able to do that?

Like tonight, if if if you've planned to go out with your friends for the guys with whoop for wings, or you've planned to go out with your female friends to get some coffee, and you and your spouse, like an hour before that, you have a big fight.

20 minutes later, you're out with your friends, and they ask you, you know, tell us about your husband, tell us about your wife.

How would you do with that?

How would you do with that?

Because I think if if you're somebody that's trying to follow Jesus, just ripping on your spouse isn't an option.

You have two options that you could do.

One, you could do what she did, and you could just say, Man, they're great, and you could just start complimenting them and saying everything great about it.

Because you haven't had a chance to talk to them about the conflict yet.

She hasn't had a chance to do that yet.

It's not completely resolved.

Or number two, you could say, Listen, we just had a fight, and I love that man more than you know, but I just I can't talk about that right now.

Give me a week.

In a week, I'll tell you what I think of him.

Right?

Like you could do that, but you need to know if you do that, your friends are gonna be like, oh, please tell us about the conflict.

And you need to you need to say, No, I'm not gonna tell you about it because I don't want to go there.

I'll I'll talk about it in a week.

But those are your only options, right?

Because we don't want to be people that are that are trashing our our spouses.

Another thing to note is, and this is again repeated, it says, This is my beloved and this is my friend.

This is my beloved and this is my friend.

So if you're married, has your spouse, this has been in the text before, but it's repeated, has your spouse become your best friend?

Are you working toward your spouse becoming your best friend?

You might have to deal with some conflict to get there, but are you willing to deal with the conflict and fight hard to get to that point?

To have your spouse really be someone who believes in you and wants to see you grow and is always there for you through the thick and the thin, have they become that kind of friend for you?

If you're dating, is this the kind of person you're looking for?

Are you looking for a best friend that's also attractive that you can marry?

Six, one and two.

So they hear this description of him and they say, Where has your beloved gone, almost beautiful among women?

Where is your beloved turned that we may seek him with you?

And so she actually talks about this guy in such a way that her friends want to hang out with him.

Do you do that?

Do you talk about your spouse in such a way that your friends actually want to hang out with them?

Because I think a lot of the reason our friends often don't want to hang out with our spouses is because of how we talk about our spouses.

You need to talk about your spouse in such a way your friends would want to hang out with them.

You know, when I was in college, I had uh I had two or three friends, and they were kind of friends.

But and here's why.

When they would start dating a girl, we'd be great friends hanging out every day, and they start dating a girl and they just disappear from the face of the earth.

And I wouldn't see them for like six months to a year, and then they break up with a girl and they're back, like, let's be friends again.

And if you're doing that, that's not healthy.

Like you don't want to do that.

And let me tell you why you don't want to do that.

If you end up marrying one of those people that you left all your friends for and just spent all your time with them, you're gonna marry them.

And then you're gonna at some point in your marriage, you're gonna be like, you know what?

I enjoy them.

It's a great marriage, but I want to hang out with my friends sometimes too.

Sometimes I need a break from them.

And you're gonna call your friends up and they're gonna be like, they might be gracious and welcome you back.

They also might be like, hey man, I don't even know you, it's been too long.

The other thing that's gonna happen is your spouse, they don't even know who your friends are.

So you can't just go with your spouse and hang out with your friends anymore because it's super awkward now, right?

So I encourage you when you're dating, you need to actually hang out with your friends and their friends regularly.

And if you do that, it'll actually make things safer for you because their friends will be willing to call them on things.

They won't be able to fake it with you.

Like if you're a girl and you're dating a guy and you say, Man, I just love going to the opera.

The opera is so wonderful.

And your boyfriend Ralph is like, Yeah, I love the opera too.

I can't wait.

If they're with their friends, their friends are probably gonna start laughing.

And you'll be like, What are you laughing about, guys?

He likes the opera.

And they're like, he does not like the opera.

He's never been to the opera.

We go to monster truck rallies and go watch football games.

That's not him.

And in that moment, you found out who he truly is, and now you can decide: is this truly the kind of guy I want to marry?

Like, that'll happen.

And so hang out with your friends, hang out with their friends, because you need to truly get to know one another.

Verse 2 in chapter 6, she said, My beloved's gone down to his garden.

So they're asking, where is he?

May we seek him with you?

She says, He's gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather the lilies.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

He grazes among the lilies.

And I think what she's saying here is just she trusts him.

Like she knows where he's at and she trusts that he's doing things and he's honoring her wherever it is that he's at in this moment, down in the garden at the beds of spices.

Um and so I think we've got to ask ourselves, are we the kind of spouse that our spouse can trust us?

Like when you, if you work and you go on regular business trips, is your spouse always scared and worried about you being on the business trip?

Or are you the kind of person that your spouse can trust that you you're gonna honor them and you're thinking about them when you're on the trip?

You know, I we like to think that affairs are just something that happens outside the church, but affairs happen in the church too.

And it's not like somebody wakes up someday and is like, I'm gonna have an affair today.

That's that's not usually how it happens.

It starts off with an innocent text.

It starts off getting lunch with somebody who who's not your spouse, and at lunch, you know, you start to have a little bit of feelings.

It starts off with just a conversation at work, and and next thing you know, you're getting up in the morning, you're not thinking about your spouse anymore, you're thinking about that person at work.

And when that happens, now we have problems, right?

And so, are you that kind of person?

Can your spouse trust you?

Have you walked in integrity when you're on those business trips and stuff?

And if you're somebody that's dating, how you date is gonna greatly affect the kind of marriage that you have.

So if you're somebody that while you're dating, you're out you're you're cheating on the person you're dating, you're dating multiple people at a time, and you think at some point I'll just meet the right person and everything will be rosy and wonderful, that that's probably not what's gonna happen.

You at some point you need to deal with the issues in your life.

And so if that's you right now, I encourage you, you maybe go to a friend and say, Listen, I'm I'm not doing things right.

I've cheated on my girlfriend, I have multiple girlfriends, like I need to repent.

This isn't good.

You probably need to break up with the person you're dating, and you need a little time to get yourself healthy and well before you start pursuing that person that's your kind of forever person.

Six, four through seven.

This is him.

He says, You're beautiful as Tizra, my love.

Lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners.

Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me.

Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing.

All of them bear twins.

Not one among them have lost its young.

Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil.

In verse 4, he says, You're awesome as an army with banners.

So you think about an army coming with the banners.

There's an awesomeness there.

There's kind of a joy and a sense of protection with that, but there's also a fear when you have a big army with banners coming towards you, right?

And he's saying that her love is like that.

I've found that to be true in my marriage as well.

That, you know, there's a look, April and I can go out to dinner, and there's a look that she can look at me with.

That it's like, I don't know, I don't completely know how to describe it, but it's just like this fear kind of comes over me a little bit, but also this joy at the at the love that we have.

It's the kind of love that I think you can only get in a committed, monogamous marriage relationship.

And it's the kind of love that comes from uh from building trust with one another.

From being through really hard times and her choosing to stay by my side, from being from me doing stupid stuff and her choosing to love me despite my stupidity.

Like that, that's the kind of love that I'm talking about.

And so when you have that kind of love and you've been through the seasons and the difficulties of life together, there are times when you catch a glance of their eyes and and you you have to turn away because it's it's overwhelming, right?

And I think really what I'm talking about here is grace.

I think really it's my wife's grace toward me.

It's her choosing time and time again to treat me far better than I deserve.

And because she's done that time and time again over 16, 17 years of marriage, this look is something that that happens.

She treats me much better than I deserve.

And this is the gospel powerfully shining through our marriages.

And so what we're called to do is we're called to treat our spouse like a new creation in Christ when they're not completely acting like it.

We're called to treat them as the saint, as righteous and wash clean in him, especially when they're not acting like it.

Like that's what we're called to do as married partners, and when we do it, it's a beautiful thing.

6-8.

There are 60 queens and eighty concubines and virgins without number.

My dove, my perfect one's the only one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her.

The young women saw her and called her blessed, the queens and concubines also, and they praised her.

And so this is this man again complimenting his wife.

And he's saying, Listen, Solomon can have his sixty queens and his eighty concubines and his virgins without number, but all I need is you.

I'm happy with you.

You completely satisfy me.

And so again, we see this guy being very creative with his words and finding creative ways to encourage his spouse all through this book.

And so, again, this is a repeated thing in the book.

How are you doing with encouraging your spouse and encouraging your friends?

You know, if I asked your spouse or I asked your friends this week, you know, have they started to be more encouraging to you than they were in chapter one of Song of Solomon?

Have you seen a change in their behavior?

Because we can get old and stale and cranky in marriage, right?

We can get old and stale and cranky with our friends.

But to keep things good and to keep that passion alive, we've got to be encouraging people.

And it's it's what Christ called us to.

Um, my wife this past Sunday, I get up pretty early when I preach, and so she often has my coffee mug out, but this Sunday she had she she'd done something more.

She slipped a piece of paper under the coffee mug.

And on the paper, she just encouraged me.

She encouraged me in being her husband, she encouraged me as a father, and it meant a lot to me.

And my wife does great with this.

She encourages me regularly.

Is that something that you're regularly doing?

Are you encouraging to your spouse?

Are you encouraging to your friends?

Verse 11 and 12.

I went down to the nut orchard, so they're out in the country again to look at the blossoms of the valley to see whether the vines had budded, whether the pomegranates were in bloom.

Before I was aware, my desire was set, set me among the chariots of my kinsmen a prince.

And I think pretty simply here, they're out in the country again and they're enjoying one another again.

And I think what this book confronts us with over and over again, you know, they don't have an iPhone.

We don't see that they have a lot.

I mean, they're often just out in the countryside, and that's really all they need.

They don't need their kitchen refurbished, they don't need a new house, they don't need a new car, they just need one another, they need a few friends, and they need Jesus.

And if they have that, that's enough.

And I think as as we're talking about really conflict this morning, I think this kind of brings us back to the beginning.

Why do we have conflict in our lives?

Because we have desires, we have expectations that are not being met.

Because just being with our spouse in the countryside isn't enough for us.

We need more.

John Newton said this.

He said, Everything's needful that he sends, but nothing can be needful that he withholds.

Is that true for you this morning?

There was a lady I knew at my last church, her name was Iima Jean.

She was in her 90s, she had heart trouble, a lot of health issues, and I'd go visit her regularly.

And every time I visited her, you know, she'd complain a little bit about some of the pain she was in, and I didn't blame her.

I mean, she was in a lot of pain.

But one thing she would say every time, she'd start to tear up and she'd say, Man, God is just so good to me.

Jesus has been so, so good to me, and he's still so good to me.

And I'd just be like, How are how are you finding the wherewithal to say that with everything you're going through?

I got to be with that lady as she passed away, and and hymns were playing, and she finally got to go and be with Jesus.

There was another guy at my church, and he used to be a very successful businessman, travel all over the world.

And uh he got Parkinson's.

And he had to get a job where it was just making money.

It wasn't a big time job anymore.

And he would do the same thing.

He would look at me and he would tear up every time, and he would say, God has just been so good to me.

God is so, so incredibly good to me.

Can you say that this morning?

Because I think a lot of your conflict comes from your ability to be able to say what John Newton said.

Everything's needful to these sins.

Nothing can be needful that he withholds.

Is that statement true in your life?

So I have a couple questions.

They're going to come up here on the screen.

And I just want you to think for a minute.

What has God been challenging you with?

What has he been saying to you this morning?

Let's pray.

Lord Jesus.

I want to thank you.

Thank you for speaking to us this morning, Lord.

And I pray that as we look at these questions, I'm trusting you, you're going to challenge us where we need challenge.

You're going to encourage us where we need encouraged.

Would you help us to ask, Lord, what are you saying to me this morning?

And how can I go out this week and respond to that, Lord?

Amen.

Lord, forgiveness is tough.

There's some people in our lives that have hurt us, and there's some there's some things that are they're just tough, Lord.

And we can't forgive without you.

I think for true forgiveness to happen, you, Holy Spirit, you've got to come and you've got to work in our hearts.

And Lord, I want to thank you this morning that you didn't just die for us to forgive our sins, but you also died that our friends who have wronged us could be forgiven as well, Lord.

And so I pray you'd help us to live that out this week.

Your name I pray.

Amen.

So there's going to be a short video here, and it's going to show some things that are coming up here in our church over the next week.

Thank you for joining us today.

Here's a few things we want you to know.

As you leave today, grab a bracelet from one of the members of our Fit.

As you wear the bracelet, be reminded to pray for our student mission trips, happening this week and next.

The Women's Summer Social is happening July 25th.

There will be a delicious dinner and dessert, a photo booth, and more surprises.

Come together and bring friends.

Register at grandparkoy.org/slash/events.

If you're new or would like someone to pray with you, find a pastor at the front of the stage at the conclusion of our service.

I have one more announcement as well.

After third service this Sunday morning, we want to invite you over to the kids' ministry building.

And what they're going to do over there is they're going to show you different ways that you can serve in that ministry.

So you can, I mean, you can be a teacher, you can be up front teaching.

There's also some behind-the-scenes ways that you can serve.

And so if that's something you're interested in, I would encourage you to go over there.

After third service, lunch will be served.

If you want a free meal, head over there.

Lunch will be served.

And uh you can find out a lot more about how our kids' ministry team works.

Uh, one final thing: there are connection cards in the back of your pews.

And if you're new here this morning, we want to invite you to fill one of them out.

And there's boxes at each of the doors, just slip it in the box.

We'll contact you this week.

We'd love to get to know you, maybe get lunch with you, and and just grow together with you.

Um, and then finally, if you want to give this morning, uh again, the boxes are there.

And if you want to worship by giving, please uh put your offerings there.

If you guys would stand with me, I just want to pray a prayer of blessing over you.

Lord, I thank you.

Thank you that you we're each forgiven in you, Lord.

The question is whether or not we've we've we've received that forgiveness or or we've been we've been pushing it away, but I thank you that it is true that each of us are that that forgiveness is available to us, Lord.

I pray that we grab hold of your forgiveness and walk as forgiven people this week.

And I pray that out of that wealth, that that huge ocean of forgiveness that you've given us, you would help us to be people that forgive others as well, Lord.

May we be agents of reconciliation this week as we walk in who you made us, Jesus.

Your name I pray.

Amen.

Thank you for coming this morning, everybody.