Biblical Wisdom for Marriage | Song of Songs 6:13–8

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Morning, everybody.

You may be seated.

You want to join me in prayer?

Lord Jesus, we thank you for another morning that we get to come and we get to study your word together, Lord.

Thank you that throughout history and the ages you protected this book and that we have it here in print today and we're able to study it, Lord.

Would you come?

Would you speak to us through it, Jesus?

We want to hear from you.

That's why we're here this morning.

We want to hear from you.

Challenge us where we need challenged.

Encourage us where we need encouraged this morning, Lord.

Would you come and would you speak to us?

Your name I pray, Lord.

Amen.

All right, so I'm Brent.

I'm the teaching pastor here, and I'm gonna be in the last two chapters of Song of Solomon.

We're gonna finish this series up this morning.

So it's gonna be chapter seven and eight.

If you want to go ahead and turn there, um it throughout the series, I've told you, I'll continue to tell you, it's probably a little more PGE or PG 13 than it is.

So if you have little kids here and you want to take advantage of kids' church, I encourage you, you can do that now.

But um we're gonna be, we're gonna finish off chapter six because I left one verse there last week, and then we'll be in seven and eight this morning, okay?

So let's go to chapter six, verse 13.

Chapter 6, verse 13, it says, return, return, O Shulamite, return that we may look upon you.

Why should you look upon the Shulamite as a as upon a dance before two armies?

And so these are her friends, and they're saying, you know, everything that you've shared about your husband, everything that he's shared about you, we we wanna we wanna get to know you guys better, we want to spend some time with you, we want to hang out.

That's basically what they're saying.

And the husband responds, and he kind of says, How about not right now?

I uh you I don't want you looking at her right now, we're about to go have some alone time.

That's basically what happens.

And and so he says, as I don't want you to look upon her as upon a dance before two armies.

And what I'd say about that is if you can dance and you can hold two armies' attention, you're probably a very good dancer.

And so I think that's she's a good dancer.

Now, again, this is poetry, so it's a little hard to figure out exactly what's going on.

But uh, one thing that I would say is I think before we get to 7-1, they're now at a private place, just the two of them.

And I'm saying that because as we go, we're gonna read 7-1 to 10 next, it's one of the more sexually explicit passages in the entire book.

And so I think that's probably alone time, and it's just the two of them, okay?

So it's poetry, and and this is what's going on.

So 7-1 to 10.

Let's go for it.

How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O noble daughter.

Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand.

Your navel's round a rounded bowl that never lacks wine.

Your belly is a heap of wheat encircled with lilies, your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.

Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes are pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bethrabim, your nose is like a tower of Lebanon, which looks toward Damascus, your head crowns you like caramel, and your flowing locks are like purple.

A king is held captive in the tresses.

How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights.

Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.

I say, I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit.

Oh, may your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.

It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth.

I'm my beloved's, and his desire is for me.

Okay.

So it starts off, and and it's talking about her feet in sandals.

And so what I think is happening here is she is dancing for him.

And I think it's uh it's a very uh it's it's a very sexual dance.

Like I don't think she has many clothes on, if any clothes on, and she is dancing before her husband.

That's that's what's going on.

And then and as she's dancing, he's gonna compliment her, as we've seen all through the book.

He's gonna compliment her and compliment her.

And so up in verse two, then it says your navel's around a bowl, and your belly's a heap of wheat.

And and so, you know, as we're going through this text, commentators argue about this a good bit.

It could mean navel, it could mean belly, it could also be talking about something else in the same region.

Okay, that's that's how explicit this text is.

And and so then you go three to five.

He's talking about a breast and how they're like fawns.

We've heard that compliment earlier in the book.

Um, your neck's like an ivory tower.

Um, and then at the end it says, your head crowns you like caramel, your flowing locks are like purple, a king is held captive in the tresses.

And and just again, I don't think Solomon wrote this because it's not saying me the king's held held captive in the tresses, it's a king.

And so again, it's it's talking about somebody that that's not him.

And and it's saying that her hair is so beautiful and so compelling that a king could get lost in it.

That that's that's the compliment.

As we carry on, in 6-7, or I mean 7-7, he says, your stature is like a palm tree and your blessed breasts are like clusters.

I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit.

So I think I don't think I need to explain what's happening there.

Like he's yeah, that's what's happening.

So um he loves his wife and he's excited to be with her, and this is good and it's godly.

And and so that there's there is something we could pick up here.

If you keep reading, he says, Your breasts are like clusters of the vine, and your the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth is like the best one.

And so her the scent of her breath is like apples.

She doesn't have bad breath, she has good breaths.

The practical application, like use some mints, some like you don't want to have bad breath, you want to have good breath.

Very practical.

Um but I think the big the clincher of this whole section is verse 10.

She says, I'm my beloved's, and his desire is for me.

This lady knows that her husband loves her and his desire is 100% for her.

There's no one else that he's interested in.

She has his entire heart.

Um, like he's not looking at porn.

There's not some lady at the office.

All his affections, all his desire are placed on her, and she knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And so I think we need to ask here does your spouse know that of you this morning?

Do they know that all of your affection, all your desire is for them?

Wives, does your husband know that?

Husbands, does your wife know that about you beyond a shadow of a doubt that all your affection is for them?

And I think if you take time, as this guy has done in this book, to compliment your wife regularly and just to speak lovingly and encouragingly to her, you can get to this place that this couple's at where you can say what she says, that I am my beloved, and his desire is for me.

We need more marriages like this in America.

We need more marriages that can kind of be this godly example of two people that deeply love each other.

We like we need to set that before our people.

But, you know, I think the only way you get to where they're at in this book is you have to regularly invest in your marriage.

So if if you regularly invest in the stock market, like if you if you put$100 in a month and you just did that for a month, well, at the end of the month, it's maybe it'll be 103 or something.

Like it's it's not gonna go up much.

If you did it for three months, you're not gonna see a whole lot of movement.

It might go up, it might go down a little bit, but if you invest$100 a month over five or 10 years, now you're gonna start to see the power of compounding interest.

And and it's gonna be way more than just the hundred you put in.

It's gonna increase exponentially, right?

And I think that's what's gonna happen.

If you regularly compliment and you're regularly encouraging your spouse, you're investing in your marriage and you're gonna see it begin to grow and flourish.

Um, you could also think about like uh weightlifting or trying to exercise.

If you start going to a gym and you just go once and you run and you lift weights and you go super hard, you're just gonna be really sore.

And your body's really not gonna change much.

You're gonna have to go more than just once.

You're probably gonna have to go three times a week for a couple months.

If you just went for a month three times a week, you might see a little bit of change.

But to really see change, you're gonna have to go three or four times a week for like six months to a year.

And if you do that, your entire body can change.

And it's the same way with your relationship.

If you want to see your marriage be this kind of marriage, this is what we're all shooting for, right?

Like this is the ideal.

You're gonna have to invest, you're gonna have to do the hard work of serving one another and pouring into each other's lives.

And if you do that, you can have this kind of marriage as well.

And so some of you, you might say, man, my marriage is a mess right now, it's gonna take some time, brand.

And it might.

You might need to be faithful for a year or two to begin to see this kind of marriage.

Some of you it might not be that bad.

And it might be like, well, if I just start investing for like three or six months, I think we could really see some change.

And some of you, this might be where you are now.

And if that's the case, praise God.

That's good.

But like to see your marriage become this, you're gonna have to regularly just invest in your marriage and in your spouse.

7, 11 to 13.

He says, Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages.

She says this, not he.

Let us lodge in the villages, let us go out early to the vineyards and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom.

There I'll give you my love.

The mandrakes give forth fragrance, and beside our doors are all the choice fruits, new as well as old, which I've laid up for you, O my beloved.

And so this lady, she wants to go out with her husband and have sex in the fields.

That's what's going on here.

Again, I mean, this is just this is her desire.

This is what she wants.

If you look, she is using pomegranates and mandrakes.

Both of those fruits were considered sexual aphrodisiacs at the time.

And so that this is what she's saying.

She's saying, I want to go out into the fields and and let's enjoy one another out there.

And I think the thing that we can pick up here, and we've seen it other places in the book, is the wife is initiating this.

She's saying, I want to be with you.

It's I think sometimes in our marriages it can be this thing where like we expect the man to initiate, let's just call it romantic times.

And um, I think what we see in the book is that's well and good.

Men need to lead their marriage.

I think they need to be the ones initiating often.

But I think in this book, we also see the woman initiates, she might initiate more than the man in this book.

And and so I think my question for us here is in your marriage, who's initiating more?

And does one of you maybe need to pick up the slack a little bit in that area?

And I realize that all marriages are different.

I realize for some of you, it it might be you as a wife.

I've run into marriages before where it's the wife often initiating, she wishes her husband was more interested in that.

Um, but but which one are you?

And and are you regularly initiating those romantic times?

My my guess would be that if I were to ask the husbands here, if I said, hey guys, how would you feel if your wife initiated this with you?

I'm guessing 95% of your hands would probably go up because most of you would appreciate that.

Something else that I'm hoping has happened as I've been teaching through this book is I hope that some of the husbands and some of the wives have started to be like, you know what?

I need to serve my spouse more, I need to help with dishes, I need to clean the floor, I need to make my bed, I need to do the laundry.

Like you started to pick that up and started to serve your spouse more.

And what I would say is if your husband or your wife has begun to serve you more in those areas, maybe you could begin to serve them in this area.

Like it's gonna take both of you serving one another well in the areas of your need.

And if that happens, then marriage can be a beautiful thing.

So, eight, one through three.

Oh, that you were like a brother to me who nursed at my mother's breast.

If I found you outside, I'd kiss you, and no one would despise me.

I'd I'd lead, I would lead you and bring you into the house of my mother.

She used to teach me, I'd give you spiced wine to drink, the juice of my pomegranate.

His left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me.

So she says he's he's like a brother to her.

I don't think she literally wants him to be a brother to her.

I think in her culture, you're you're not really allowed to show public affection.

So when April and I lived in Taiwan, their culture was like this.

You did not, like people over 40 in Taiwan that were married, they wouldn't even hold hands.

Like you just, it was frowned upon to show public affection in Taiwan.

Like that just, it wasn't something you did.

It was just part of the culture.

And even the young people, I mean, rebellious young people, they would, right?

But young people that were trying to obey and trying to follow their parents and trying to honor the culture, they wouldn't show public affection either.

And so that's just the way the culture was.

And that's the way the culture in in this time was as well.

Like it wasn't cool to show public affection.

And so what she's saying is, I wish you were my brother because then I'd be able to kiss you in public and nobody would think less of me, right?

So this is again her expressing her desire to show him affection.

But I think she's actually saying something even deeper here.

She's saying, I wish you were a brother to me because I wish I'd known you my whole life.

Like those first 15 years of my life where we weren't together, I wish we could have had those 15 years together too, because our friendship is so deep and so good, I can't imagine life without you, right?

And so here's my question.

How many of you can say that about your spouse this morning?

That you love them so much and your relationship has gotten so deep and so good that you can't imagine life without them anymore.

That you're just like, man, I I wish my spouse could have grown up with me and we could have spent that time together too.

I you almost feel like you were robbed of those years that you didn't get to spend with them.

Is that how you feel?

Because what this is holding up is that's how that's where our heart should be.

And if that's not where your heart is, can what could you begin to do to get yourself to that place?

And there'll be seasons where you feel that way, and there'll be seasons where it's tough, but like this is what we're to be aiming for, right?

Um and and so you you again see how much here she wants to be with her husband.

And for some of you, this might be getting old.

How much that she's she's she's attracted to him, she wants to be with him.

This is just over and over and over in the book, right?

And some of you it might be getting old because in your marriage, you might be like, man, my my marriage is a mess.

We we barely even talk to each other.

Like it, it's it's just it's not good.

But but guys, like this is this is the scripture, this is in the Bible.

Like, this is the ideal that scripture says our marriage should be, right?

This isn't me.

This is what Jesus says, this is what he wants for you because he cares for you so much.

And so, if that's what he wants for you, what does it look like over the next few weeks and months for you to begin to go toward this?

To begin to say, Yeah, I I want this too.

What do I need to do?

How can I begin to invest in my marriage so this begins to happen?

Are you are you still fighting for this or have have you just given up and written your marriage off?

Because you don't want to do that.

Like that that's that's a miserable life.

God wants this for you.

And I would just challenge you, if that's where you're at, get go get counseling.

Come to one of the pastors, like get some help.

It's not hopeless.

There's still hope for you, and there's still hope for your marriage.

Um, in 8 4, we see again, she's she said this is a third time this has been in the book.

She says, I adjure you, old daughters of Jerusalem, that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

And this is a word for singles in this book.

It's repeated three times.

I think it's repeated three times because we want to get it through our thick skulls, right?

Like, don't awaken love until it's time.

And a little later, we're gonna we're gonna come back to this.

Down in six and seven, she's gonna say why.

So let's look at verse five.

Who is that coming from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?

Under the apple tree I awakened you.

There, your mother was in labor with you.

There, she who bore you was in labor.

So I'm not completely sure what's going on in this verse, actually.

They may have had sex under the tree in the past.

Maybe it's where they got engaged, maybe it's where her mother gave birth to her.

I mean, it's just it's poetry and it's not completely clear.

Whatever the case is, it's uh it's an important place to them, and they're enjoying one another there.

All right, let's get to eight, six, and seven.

So, eight, six, and seven, I would encourage you, underline it, circle it.

This is the key verse for the whole book.

This is really what this entire book has been about.

It's been about love.

And she's gonna describe love here.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm.

For your love, for love is as strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave, its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.

If man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.

So she starts off by saying, Set me as a seal.

So um, back in that time, the the kings would wear a signet ring, and on that ring it'd have like their initials or their emblem, and and then you'd get some hot wax and you'd have a letter, and you you put a dab of the hot wax there on the letter, and then he'd he'd he'd put a seal into it, and then it would dry, and and it that was proof that this was from the king and no one had touched it.

So when you'd get it and you saw that that was, that had been like um what's the word, that had been pushed into there, um, you would know that this was the king and it it's legitimate.

And that showed the ownership, like it showed that it was literally from the king.

And so what she's saying here is she wants their love to be like that.

She wants to be, she wants the guy to like seal their love and she wants to be almost in a sense, you could say, owned by him.

Like that's how much she loves him.

And then she's gonna use four things that to her are probably the most powerful things that she could possibly think of.

Like I think if a modern person was writing this, maybe we'd say, like, love is like nuclear power, or love, if you were more technologically minded, you might be like, it's like social media or the internet, like that's the kind of power it has.

But she's gonna use things that for her are the most powerful things that she can think of to describe love.

So, first of all, she's gonna say that love is as strong as death.

And death, if you think about death, it's a pretty powerful thing.

Like for each and every one of us, someday it's gonna happen to us.

Whether we want it to or not, we're all gonna die someday.

That that's that's just true.

And so she's saying that love is just as strong as that, and it's jealousy as fierce as the grave.

So don't think about negative jealousy, think about the good kind of jealousy.

That's the kind that's being talked about here.

Like you're jealous for more time with your spouse.

Uh almost like jealousy, maybe wouldn't be the right word.

It's almost like a passion for your spouse.

And that passion's like as fierce as the grave.

The second thing she uses to describe love is she talks about fire.

So, fire for people of that day, that'd be something you cooked your food with.

It'd be something that uh your house could get burnt down by.

It would be something as well, where it'd be something you keep warm in the winter by lighting a fire, right?

And so this would be a very powerful thing for them.

And so she's saying these flashes in love, they're flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.

And so she's not just saying it's any fire.

It's like this is fire straight from heaven.

That's the kind of fire that we're talking about, right?

Next, she says, many waters can't quetch love, neither can floods drown it.

So you think here in Houston, when a hurricane comes and we have a big flood, even with all our technology and and all the things that we have today, people, when when it really floods and a big hurricane comes, people still die, right?

Like floods are they're serious and they're they're incredibly powerful and they're very destructive.

And she's saying that many waters can't quench love, neither can floods drown it.

Like, like, like God, like the kind of love that God has placed into marriage is so powerful that even a flood can't overcome it, right?

And then finally, wealth, and I think this section is really kind of a I guess a slam on Solomon.

She says, if man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he'd be utterly despised.

Because Solomon in his day, he was the wealthiest man in the world.

He had 700 wives, 300 concubines.

I might have flipped that.

It might be 300 wives and 700 concubines.

I'm not sure.

I have to go back and look.

But regardless, he had a lot of wives.

And he thought that he could buy love, but you can't buy love.

You you can you can get someone to be with you, you can buy sex, you can get them to maybe favor you, but you can't make someone love you with money.

Love is love is a choice from within our hearts.

We we choose to love someone, and you you you can't buy love.

And so what she's saying here is that love is is like the most powerful force in the universe.

And and so do you realize this with your marriage?

Do you sense the power of love?

And I think for singles, really, you know, it says, Don't stir awake in love until it pleases.

This is why.

It is such a powerful force that if you just let it start to burn through your life and you just connect with everyone, you're you're you'll get burnt.

It won't work.

Like the way God created us is if you start down that physical path with someone, you're not created to stop.

You're created to complete that.

That when you start off physically with someone, you're to complete it.

Like that's how God created us.

And if you're just starting off physically with people, it's gonna be very difficult for you to stop because love is this powerful.

And that's why all through the book it says you can't do this alone.

You need people with you.

Like, you're gonna need people that are helping you to walk in purity.

So let's get to the next passage here.

It talks about that.

It says, We have a little sister, she has no breast.

What should we do for our sister on the day when she's spoken for?

If she's a wall, we'll build in her a battlement of silver.

If she's a door, we'll enclose her with boards of cedar.

I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers, then I was in his eyes as one who finds peace.

And so what they're saying here, they're saying we have a little sister, and it says her her breast, uh, she has no breast.

And so what it's saying is she's pre-pubescent, like she hasn't gone through puberty yet, so she doesn't have any any any breasts yet.

And they say, What we're gonna do for her is if she's a wall, so that that's like if men come and pursue her and she's being a wall to them and saying, Nope, not right now.

I'm not letting you in, we're gonna encourage that and we're gonna build a battlement on her, and we're gonna clap for her and we're gonna say, That's good.

But if she's a door, if she's just opening up to every man that pursues, that's We're gonna put boards around her and we're gonna protect her from that.

Like we don't want our we want our sister to walk in sexual purity.

That's what this passage is talking about.

Um, my sister, I'm about six years older than her.

And so I was in college when she was just kind of getting into high school.

So she was maybe 14, 16 years old.

And um I thought, you know, I think I need to talk to my sister about this.

So as her older brother, I sit down with my sister and I said, Listen, you're you're getting older, and I want you one day, my goal for you is that you would find a good Christian, godly man that loves Jesus.

That's who I want you to marry.

But what you need to realize is the world around you, not every guy has that same ideal.

Not every guy's a godly guy.

Like there are guys out there that they just want to take from you and they want to take advantage of you.

And there are other guys that are godly guys, and those are the kind of guys I want to point you toward.

But as your brother, something that I can do is um if you ever dress in a way that I think is more attracting those guys that just want to take from you, I'm gonna let you know.

And I'm gonna say, I don't know if it's wise to wear those clothes out.

Like you're gonna attract the kind of guys you don't want.

And and that's just something that this is a conversation I had with my sister just because I wanted to protect her, right?

And please don't hear what I'm not saying.

I'm not saying that my sister is responsible for men's uh response to how women dress.

Like men, we're responsible for how we respond to how women dress.

I don't care how they're dressed, like it's our responsibility how we respond.

And if we respond in a lustful, sinful way, that's on us.

It's not on them.

Like we're we're the ones that messed up on that.

I was simply telling my sister that I want to, I want to protect her.

And I don't want her, I don't want these guys that just want to take from her to be the kind of guys that are around her.

I want guys around her that love Jesus and are pursuing him because that's who I wanted her to end up with, right?

And so I think really, you know, dads, there's been numerous studies done now that both boys and girls, their sexual identity comes primarily from their father.

And I know that's kind of a weight on us, right?

But their sexual identity, numerous studies have shown it comes primarily from their father, right?

What that means is we have got to spend time with our daughters, with our sons, and we need to teach them what femininity is, we need to teach them what masculinity is.

You need to be regularly taking your daughter on dates when she's a little girl, you need to be opening the doors for her, you need to sit with her, you need to ask her about her life.

And if if you're doing this, if you're treating her the way you want a man to treat her in the future, think about what that's gonna do to her.

It's gonna inoculate her against guys that are trying to take advantage of her.

Because if some guy asks her out when she's 16 or 18 or whenever she starts dating, and she goes out with a guy and he doesn't open the door for her, and he sits with her and he just talks about himself the whole time, she's gonna come home and she's gonna be like, Dad, that guy, man, he didn't get the door for me.

He didn't ask me any questions about myself, he just talks about him.

I don't want to go out with him again at all.

Like, you see what you're doing, you're inoculating her against those kind of guys.

With your sons, you need to do the same thing.

Like you, you you need to go hunting and fishing and golfing and singing, whatever your son's into, singing or whatever.

You need to be spending time with them.

And I think primarily with your sons, it's gonna be how you treat their mom.

Like your kids will be what they see.

This is more caught than taught.

They're gonna be what they see, and how you treat their mom is how they're probably gonna treat their future spouse.

So, dads, are you treating their mom in a way that you would want them to treat their future spouse?

Like, are you are you thinking about that?

So, I think for all of us, if if we want to walk in sexual purity and if we think back to our past, like it's not something that we did alone.

Like our parents were helping us, we had uncles and aunts and church members that were encouraging us toward purity.

And so I want to give like two different stages of dating here.

And this is the ideal, right?

Like, I know you're gonna stumble, you're gonna fall.

It probably won't go exactly like this, but this is the ideal of what dating should look like so that we all know what we can kind of be pushing the young people toward.

We want this wave of righteousness where it's it's kind of almost hard for them to rebel because we're all pushing them toward purity, right?

So stages of dating.

So, first stage.

Um, your main goal in the first stage is you want to observe how they interact with other people.

You want to observe how they interact with other people.

The characteristics of the stage is there's no physical expression because you're just friends with them, right?

So you're just going out with your friends, hanging out.

Um, this is where my mom's line comes in.

If there's no meeting of the minds, before there's a meeting of the bodies, there will never be a meeting of the minds, right?

And this is making sure there actually is a meeting of the minds, and we actually get to know one another on an emotional and intellectual level.

It's not exclusive.

So there's no like, hey, we're dating or we're gonna get married someday.

There's none of that because you're just going out with your friends.

That's all that's happening.

Um, there's also so it's not exclusive.

You're hanging out with your friends, there's no expectations, you're just observing what's going on.

And your times together are centered on an event.

It's not about them, it's about an event.

Maybe you're going bowling with your friends, maybe you're swimming in your backyard, maybe you're all going out to a meal and you're just observing how do they interact with my friends, how do they interact with my mom and dad?

And you're trying to just see what's going on with them.

And so, when do you go from stage one to stage two?

When you watch them over time and there's outside affirmation.

When you watch them over time and there's outside affirmation.

So that means you're gonna go to your mom and dad, or maybe go to your friends or a pastor, or just older godly people, and even some of your friends, same age as you, and you're gonna say, What do you think?

You know, I've been watching this person, I think they're pretty quality.

What do you think of them?

And what you want to hear from them is like, yeah, you should definitely ask them out.

They're they're a quality person.

You should pursue them.

That would be a good thing.

You don't want to hear hesitation and I don't know about that.

You you want some good affirmation from your friends.

So I realize with this stage one, some of you, you like I know there's there's there's uh on on the internet now that you you can find someone to date on the internet.

I know sometimes also there's blind dates.

And so, what I would say, if that's the way that you've chosen to find someone, I would just encourage you, like on that first or second date, you probably need to get them around your parents and around your friends.

Like, don't just be off by yourselves all the time.

You need your friends and your parents and your family, you need them to speak into it because when you start dating someone, you can get blinders on.

And you can just think, oh, these people are so great, but you you're not seeing everything.

And you're gonna need your friends and your family's input.

And so you got to do that as soon as possible.

So then stage two.

This stage you're trying to reach some conclusions, right?

Reaching some conclusions.

And so in this stage, there's limited physical expression.

So, what what I think you should do is early on in dating, you should sit down with your boyfriend and girlfriend.

You should say, like, where are our boundaries gonna be?

Because we need to set some clear boundaries and you need to say, Well, I, you know, if I do this, I'm gonna have a lot of trouble.

And you'd be like, all right, well, if this is the spot, let's move it back two steps and let's have this be our boundary, right?

Because you don't want to get as close to the fence as you can.

That's not loving.

You don't want to put them in danger, and you don't want to put yourself in danger of messing up.

You want to stay far from that.

Okay?

I know it's I know it's fun to push the limits, but this isn't somewhere where you want to do that.

Stay, stay like two steps away from that fence.

This is actually a Neil quote from an old sermon of his.

He says, When you practice restraint, it leaves so much more to be enjoyed.

When you practice restraint, it leaves a lot more to be enjoyed.

And so what you're shooting for is you want that wedding where as you're walking down the aisle, you can just feel the sexual tension in the air because the two of you have done almost nothing with one another.

And tonight your wedding night is going to be the consummation of all of that joy.

And the people can feel it in the air.

But we've also, probably all of us have been to, so you've probably been to weddings like that, but you've probably also been to weddings where everybody knows that they've been sleeping together the whole time.

And it's just, it's not quite as exciting as it could be.

Um it's just not.

But if you haven't done anything, everything you do that night will just be seared into your brain.

And that's what you're aiming for.

That's what you want.

Um, some verses you could look at for this would be Hebrews 13, 4, where it says, you know, you don't want any crumbs in your marriage bed.

In 1 Timothy 5 2, it says the way that you're to interact with women, you're to treat them like sisters.

Um, and just these are some verses.

If you want some advice on where to put those lines, those are the verses I'd be looking at.

And and something to remember here, wisdom isn't knowing the right way to live, it's living it.

It's not just knowing the right thing to do, it's actually living it out, right?

Okay, so still a big part then is observation, but it's getting more intimate.

Another thing in this stage is you want to you want to edify this person that you're dating.

You want to see them grow in Christ.

And the the question you need to be asking is you want to treat her in such a way that even if she doesn't end up with you, her husband, she'll be better prepared for a future husband.

And same way for the girl.

You want to treat him in such a way that even if he doesn't end up with you, he'll be better prepared for his future spouse.

Like you want their future spouse to come to you and say, Thank you so much for dating them.

I know how much you poured into them.

You made them a better person, you prepared them for me.

Thank you for that.

So if you're doing all kinds of stuff physically, you shouldn't be doing, they're not gonna do that.

You need to walk in righteousness for this to happen.

This should be your goal.

And I think this will help you to answer a lot of those physical questions.

You want them to be better prepared for their future husband or wife because they spent time with you.

That needs to be your goal.

When you move to this stage, I think, especially in Western culture, it might be different in some other cultures.

I think you need to call the girl's dad.

And you need to say, Hey, I want to begin to date your daughter.

Is that okay?

I did this.

I called my wife's dad, and he is a rather shy person.

And so I asked him, I said, Can we get lunch?

I want to talk to you about something.

And he's like, No, I don't want to get lunch because he's too shy.

So I said, Okay.

I said, You so you just want to talk now?

He's like, Yeah, let's just talk now.

I said, Okay.

And so I start talking to him.

I'm like, you know, I want to start dating your daughter.

I want you to put it.

And when I said I start, I want to start dating your daughter, he's like, Well, if you want to do that, go for it, man.

It's not gonna be easy.

You know, wow, so so encouraging.

Um my wife was great, but that was her dad.

Um, and so I said to him as well, I think another thing you need to say in this conversation is you need to say, you know, I want you to speak into our relationship.

Anything you see that's going on, you have questions about, or you think something looks a little shady, come and talk to us.

I want your input.

I want to start this off right so that someday if we get married, it's just natural for us.

We're gonna need your input.

We want it now.

Please come and talk to us.

Um, another thing you need to do is you need to be absolutely honest with each other.

Um like if if you love, if you hate camping, you need to tell them you hate camping.

If you don't like the opera, you need to tell them.

Like you don't want them to like fake you.

You want them to like real you.

And you gotta be real with them for that to happen.

Your times together are now centered on this other person and not on an event.

Like you're you're trying to get to know them specifically.

Okay, so a few further tidbits of advice.

Um, don't open up too quickly.

You want to take your time getting to know each other.

Just let the Holy Spirit lead and slowly but surely open up and get to know each other better.

I think another big piece of advice is you want a girl who really loves her dad because how she treats her dad is how she's gonna eventually treat you.

So, not a girl that's like can never leave her father and isn't able to leave and cleave someday, but a girl that loves and respects her dad and has a healthy relationship with him, that's a good sign.

A girl that's being rude and mouthing off to her dad all the time, that's not a good sign.

Because that's eventually gonna happen to you.

That will be transferred to you.

You don't want that.

And so for guys, it's the same thing.

Or for girls, it's the same thing.

You want a girl who who gets a that's wrong.

For how's that so messed up?

Okay.

For girls?

No.

Yeah, for girls, you want a guy who loves his mom and gets along well with his mom.

You want him to have like that kind of just best friend relationship with his mom.

Not a mama's boy, not like he's not able to leave and be with you, not not super controlling mom, just like he he loves her, he respects her, he's not mouthing off to her.

Like that, that's not what you want.

You want a guy that loves his mom, and the way he treats his mom is probably gonna be eventually how he treats you.

Okay?

So that's these are just some things to look for.

And my my kind of final advice is when you're dating, you need to remember it's under God's sovereignty.

Like he's in control.

And you know, when I was in college, I really wanted a girlfriend.

I wanted a girlfriend so bad, and so I'd ask girls out, we'd go on a date, and after one date, really every time one date, they would say, you know, Brent, you're a great guy.

I just want to be friends with you.

You know, my friends in college, they actually called me the mayor of Friendtown because it happened to me so many times.

I did not like that name at the time.

It was not a blessing.

They were making fun of me.

I knew they were.

Um, but now looking back on that, I'm so grateful for that season.

I mean, some of those girls, I thought they were so great, but I look back now, I'm like, that is not who I would have wanted to marry.

And and the girl, like waiting for God's timing and the woman that God had for me, I mean, God couldn't have given me a better spouse.

My my wife is like everything about her is perfect for me.

I couldn't love her more, right?

So if you just will wait for God's timing, he has something good for you.

Now, in your waiting, don't be waiting so much that you don't interact at all with the opposite sex.

Like, don't, that's not, that's not what I'm saying.

Like, hang out with girls regularly and get to know them and and discover like what kind of woman you want to marry someday, but you need to wait for his timing.

So I have a couple of points here.

Um, who should you look for in a future mate?

I gave you points throughout the the sermon series.

I just want to kind of condense them all into one spot so you can get them here.

So the first one is godly character.

You want to find someone who has godly character.

And remember, this is for all of us, it's just isn't just for singles.

This is something we all want to be pushing them toward and helping them with.

So we want godly character.

Number two, it needs to be somebody that's beautiful, somebody you have attraction for.

If, like, if you have no attraction for them, I don't think you should date them.

Like that that's not gonna carry you over the course of marriage.

You need to be attracted to them.

The third one is are they teachable?

And that might sound a little bit weird, but you need to marry a person who's who's teachable, who, who, who's willing to grow.

Like if you confront them, how do they respond?

If if you see their parents confront them, how do they respond?

If if their pastor confronts them, how do they respond to that?

You want someone that responds well and is willing to grow and learn.

Because somebody that's always right and never wrong and is mouthing off to their parents all the time, that that's not gonna go well in marriage.

Um, next one's how do they interact with their parents?

How do they interact with their friends?

Particularly, how do they interact with people in authority over them?

Like they're they're they're coaches, their teachers at school, they're they're pastors, their parents.

How do they interact with those authorities over them?

I think this is also from one of Neil's old sermons.

Neil said, if you can't honor the people that you can see, how are you gonna honor the one that you can't see?

If you can't honor the authorities you can see, how will you honor God who you can't see?

And I've found that to be very true.

You need you like we're all called to submit to God, right?

Like we all have to walk in humility and submit to Jesus.

And you want someone who submits to authorities on this earth because if they're willing to submit to authorities on this earth, they'll be willing to submit to Jesus, right?

Next one, you don't want to date non-Christians.

So if you look at 2 Corinthians chapter 6, that's kind of the classic passage people use for this.

2 Corinthians 6 · chapter mention

I don't know that it's necessarily talking about dating, it's talking about kind of all life, but in 6.14 it says, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Um you know, if if you marry somebody that that's not a believer, you're gonna make your life really difficult because you have completely different values than them.

And it's gonna be hard.

Now, I know some of you, that's the situation you're in right now.

Like you're married to someone who's not a believer, and and and there's grace, and let's pray that they eventually come to know Jesus.

And yeah, but if you're on the other side and you're single, I would advise against it because it's gonna be difficult.

And let me just give you a stat here that I think will kind of uh show what's going on.

And if it if you can bring it up.

So this is from the book Gospel Powered Parenting.

And so it's saying the influence of parents' church attendance on children.

So, in particular, if you look at the second spot there, if the father is non-practicing and the mom goes to church regularly, you have a 2% chance of your kids going to church in the future.

That's a crazy stat.

Go down to the second from the bottom.

If the father regularly attends and the mother is non-practicing, she doesn't go to church with him ever, that's the highest one.

You have a 44% chance your kids are gonna go to church someday.

Here's what I'm saying, especially for women, or especially for men.

Like you need to find someone that that follows, no, especially for women.

I keep mixing this up in my especially for women.

Like you need to find a guy that loves Jesus because men have great impact on their children.

Now, there's other stats and stuff that play into this.

This is just one way of looking at it.

But like, whether or not the person you're dating is a Christian is gonna have a great influence on your children.

And in some ways, women, if you choose to marry a non-Christian man, you're kind of choosing to have non-Christian kids.

And is that really a choice that you want to make?

The final thing is I think you need to marry somebody with similar or similar life goals.

Like if you want to be a missionary, you need to find somebody that wants to be a missionary.

Like you don't want to, whatever God's calling you to, you don't want to have to give up your calling because you got married.

You want to be able to follow Jesus.

And so, whatever he's calling you to, find somebody else that's called to the same thing and go and do it together.

All right, last few verses in the book.

Let's finish this series up.

8, 11, and 12.

It says, Solomon had a vineyard at Belham, and he let out the vineyard keepers, each one to bring for its fruit a thousand pieces of silver.

My vineyard, my very own is before me.

You, O Solomon, may have a thousand, and the keepers of the fruit two hundred.

And so I think what's saying here, I think this is again another slam on Solomon.

It's talking, it's it's kind of using the vineyards as a metaphor for his wives, and it's like he can have all his wives.

All I need is my husband.

Like I'm happy with him, and Solomon can have all that.

That's what she's saying.

Look at verse 13.

He says, Oh, you who dwell in the gardens with companions listening for your voice, let me hear it.

And so the man's saying, I want to hear your voice, and she says, it's it's fitting how this book ends.

She says, Make haste, my beloved, be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountain of spices.

So it ends with this woman longing to be with her man and saying, Come like a stag, come leaping over those mountains.

I want to be with you.

That's what's going on.

So, what have we learned from this book?

Could I just give you two things that I think if you apply these in any relationship, not just married relationships, you're gonna have successful relationships.

So the first one, this book kind of gives us an ideal of what a relationship should look like.

And I think we should all strive to reach that ideal.

But here's the thing in our striving to reach this ideal, you're not gonna be able to do it.

Like you're gonna find that you you have you you're just imperfect and you're not able to do what God is calling you to in all of this.

And and in that, you're gonna have to say, Jesus, I need help.

And you're gonna have to say, you're gonna have to end up confessing your sin and repenting and choosing to turn and walk in righteousness, right?

And so here's the first one.

How do you respond when you mess up?

When you put it in the ditch, how do you respond?

Because it's gonna happen.

All of us are imperfect, all of us have sin in our hearts, and we're gonna put it in the ditch sometimes.

How do you respond?

Because there's kind of two ways you can respond.

One way is you can say, Well, I haven't messed up, I didn't do anything wrong.

What are you talking about?

That kind of person is really hard to be married to, that will never admit that they've messed up.

The other person, you know, a couple weeks ago I talked about conflict, and I talked about, you know, going and confronting your spouse.

What if your spouse never has to confront you because you realize you messed up and you go to them before they ever have a chance to confront you and you say, Listen, when we were talking last night, I lost my temper, it wasn't right.

It was completely wrong.

Will you just forgive me?

I shouldn't have done that.

Will you pray with me?

Like that's that's not who that that's not what I want to do.

That was wrong.

That's what we want our spouses to do, right?

When they mess up, we want them to come to us and and just confess it and not have to go to them and talk to them about it.

Where are you kind of on that that that that with that pendulum?

Are you more over here?

Are you the person always right?

Are you the person readily quick to admit you're wrong?

Because if you're quick to admit you're wrong, you probably have a lot of friends.

If you're the person that's always right, I doubt you have a ton of friends, not real friends.

The other thing that we see all through the book is, are you a life-giving person?

I mean, these two people just encourage each other.

The whole book, just encouraging, encouraging, encouraging.

In fact, you know, I look through the book, I don't think there is one time where they say something negative about the other person.

Not one time.

She has a bad dream and and some of her fears come out, but she never says, like, oh, that guy didn't take the trash out, he's so lazy, or he never says, you know, she's so rude to me.

Like that, that never happens in the book.

They just encourage one another over and over and over again.

Are you this kind of person?

I've I asked this in another sermon.

Let me ask it again.

Would you want to live with you?

Would you want to live with you?

And if if if you hesitate in answering that, maybe there's some stuff that you still need to work on, right?

And that's okay.

We all have stuff we need to work on.

That's why we've been going through the book.

We need God's grace.

But like you can't just ignore it.

You've actually got to begin to work on it, right?

So we talked about a lot.

I want you to just take a moment.

I want you to think, what is God saying to you this morning?

There's gonna be some questions come up.

I just want you to think through the sermon, think through the series.

God, what are you speaking to me this morning?

What had my name on it, God?

I'm gonna pray.

Lord Jesus, thank you for this book.

Thank you for challenging us in our relationships, Lord.

We we've needed it.

I've needed it.

There's just areas where we just need to clean some stuff up in our relationships, Lord.

We wanna be, we wanna be the kind of people.

That other people want to hang out with.

We want to be loving and gracious and kind.

Change our hearts to be more like yours, God.

Give us courage to love our spouses well and love our friends well, Lord.

Come and speak to us in this moment and show us, show us what you've been speaking to us through the series and through the sermon.

Your name.

Amen.

So, Lord, I thank you for coming to us, for speaking to us.

Thank you for your encouragement, God.

Thank you for your challenge.

Help us this week to go out and walk this out, Lord.

In your name I pray.

Amen.

This is gonna be a short video.

It's gonna come up here on the screen.

It's gonna tell you about some things going on in the church over the next week or two.

And you can like find a place to talk to God with other people.

Hi, I'm Gretchen Cook.

Last fall, Grand Pop Way announced an opportunity for us to participate in the Pray for Me campaign.

I wasn't sure if that was something that I would be committed to.

So after thinking and praying, I decided to sign up.

When I got the book, Pray For Me by Tony Souter, I began reading it.

And I have to say that I was I was deeply inspired, motivated to pray more.

You see, this book is filled with beautiful prayers, with scriptures.

It's easy to read and follow.

I found it very helpful for me to pray with this book.

I used it to pray for this child who I was assigned to, but I also was praying for my husband, my children, my grandchildren, church members, even me.

I am so glad that I chose to participate in this ministry.

I think it is a great, awesome ministry to get involved in.

I am looking forward to doing it again this fall.

Thank you, Grand Parkway, for creating another great ministry for us.

If you would like your child to receive prayer or you would like to sign up to be a prayer champion, head to grandparkway.org slash events and register before August 2nd.

All right, so two more things.

If you're new here this morning, there are membership cards in the back of the pews.

If you'd want to fill one of them out so we can get to know you a little bit, we'd love to talk to you.

We'd love to maybe get lunch with you and just get to know you a little bit better.

Secondly, if one of the ways you want to worship this morning is through giving, there are boxes at each of the doors, and you just you can slip your uh your money into there or your connect card into there.

We'd love to get to know you better.

So let's pray together.

Would you guys all stand up and put your hands out?

I want to pray a prayer blessing over you, and uh we'll head out.

Lord Jesus.

Thank you for this book.

Thank you for encouraging us and challenging us in our relationships, Lord.

Um Lord, that book has just an ideal that none of us are gonna be able to completely reach that, Lord.

So I pray that we'd you'd you'd fill us with your grace, and I pray as we more and more are just forgiven and loved by you, that we'd be able to let that out, Lord.

That we'd be grace filled, loving people, and we'd just live out of who you made us to be.

And we'd love others well.

That's what we want to do, God.

We want to be known as loving people.

Would you come and would you do that in our lives?

In your name I pray.

Amen.

Thanks for coming this morning, guys.

It was good to talk to you.