The M Word: My Relationships

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Pray together.

Father, this is the desire of our heart to know you, and not just to know you in relationships, but to know you more, to know you in an intimate way and to be growing in our knowledge of you.

There's always something to learn about you because the more we learn about you, the more we learn about ourselves.

So there's a reciprocal relationship between those two kinds of knowledge.

And so, Lord, we're here today to uh increase our understanding of you, not our determination.

We're not filled with self-hatred today.

We're not here to try harder.

We're here to say, Holy Spirit, lead us into the truth because the truth is what sets us free.

And we want to be more free, men and women, when we leave today than we were when we came in.

So Lord, we're not here to try to lift up earth to heaven and say, God, do something about this.

Please accept this.

So you've accepted this, you've redeemed and reconciled this.

So we're here to ask you to bring heaven down to earth.

Let your kingdom come and your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven.

That is about authority.

And that's what we need, God.

We need authority in our life.

We need authority in our relationships.

It's the Holy Spirit.

Illuminate the word of God so that we see it for what it is.

It's the truth that sets us free.

This is our prayer, God.

Pray it in Jesus' name.

And everyone said, Amen.

Amen.

You can have a seat.

If you've got a Bible, I invite you to take it and open it up to Ephesians chapter four.

Ephesians chapter four.

We're beginning a new series.

We'll be in for the month of July called the M-word.

The M-word, where we're looking at different things.

Uh, like today, we're going to talk about my marriage slash relationships, because what we talk about today doesn't just apply to marriage, it applies to all relationships.

So whether you're married or single, I want you to think about this in terms, if you're married, think about it in terms of your marriage, but also all your other friendships and relationships.

And I'm going to begin with a statement before I read the text.

Your relationships are what they are because of how you are in them.

Let me say that again.

Your relationships are what they are because of how you are in those relationships.

And so you probably do not need new friendships, new relationships.

You might need to just show up differently in the friendships, relationships, marriage that you have.

I don't think you need a new marriage.

I think you might need to show up differently and be different in that relationship.

And so what I want to do is I'm going to read, starting in verse 17 of Ephesians chapter 4.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

I'm going to read all the way to the end of the chapter.

And then there's some things I want to point out that just are foundational.

And then by verse 25, I want to just point to there's six characteristics that should be a part of our marriage relationship and all of our relationships.

So if you're in the 11th grade, I'm here to tell you that from God's word, your friendships, your relationships should have these very same things in them, okay?

And if they did, if you started injecting these in there, you would have more interesting relationships, okay?

Does that make sense?

Say amen.

Now, if you're if you're part of our online congregation today, I want to top your coffee off, get your Bible, and dig in with us.

I want you to experience this as well.

So let me just read Ephesians 4, starting in verse 17.

Now, this I say, and testify in the Lord that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds.

They're darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to the hardness of heart.

They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.

But this is not the way you learned Christ, assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and his corrupt and deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore, therefore, in other words, because all this is true, this is possible.

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Be angry and do not sin.

Do not let the sun go down in your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Now, there's a couple of things just foundational I want to point to on the way to verse 25.

Well, I want you to read all that so you get the context.

But in verse 19, if you want to understand what's happening in our culture today, there's two words in verse 19 that you need to understand, and they are callous and sensuality.

If you have the NIV, it says, having lost all sensitivity, they've given themselves up to uh to sensuality.

Having lost all sensitivity, they've given themselves up to sensuality.

I preach from the English Standard Version, the ESV, and it reads like this they have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality.

I want you to understand those two words, callous and sensuality.

Uh the word callous is a Greek word, uh Paul Gel.

Apogale, excuse me, apogale.

And it means this to cease to feel pain or grief, apathetic.

To cease to feel pain or grief, in other words, apathetic.

Uh it's why when you try to talk to someone about a behavior as being sinful, if you ever notice you point something out, you say, Hey, man, I think this is wrong.

We're it's not just a difference of opinion.

I think this is wrong, especially if you're a parent and you say to your kid, hey, I'm concerned about you, and they kind of shrug, like, why are you freaking out?

What's the big deal?

It's not that they disagree with you.

It's worse than that.

They cannot feel what's necessary in order to think and feel the right way about this topic.

And so you can lecture them, you can threaten them, you can take away their phone, you can ground them if you still do that.

You can beat them, okay?

I'm I'm not recommending that.

I'm just saying this.

Uh, what you probably should do instead of all those things is pray and ask God to restore their spiritual sensitivity.

Because when your heart becomes coweless, when you lose sensitivity, then you give yourselves up to sensuality.

Sensuality is this, it refers to unbridled lust, excess, shamelessness.

What this produces is a person who engages in behaviors they cannot feel nor rightly comprehend.

So it becomes more and more excessive because deep inside they're trying to feel something uh they've yet to feel.

They don't feel anything and they think it's not conscious, but what drives them is that I'm gonna engage in behaviors because this is gonna make me feel what I really want to feel better or free or accepted or popular or cool, whatever skinny, undernourished word that you that your kids settle for or that you may settle for.

Uh here's the thing it's just unbridled.

Basically, it's like riding a horse with no bridle in its mouth.

There's no way to control that thing, so there's no limit to where it'll go.

And so, as again, as a parent, just when you lose sensitivity, you give you you open yourselves up to sensuality.

Uh and so those are two things you need to be aware of in your children because one invites the other.

Okay.

And then in verse 20 and 21, there's three phrases that we need to understand, okay?

And the first one, Paul says this, he's he talks about hey, you having lost, having become callous, you now become sensual.

And he says in verse 20, he says, here's the first phrase this is not the way you learn Christ.

Exclamation point.

When you read the Bible, notice the punctuation.

He says, This is not the way you learn Christ.

Translation, I talked about last week.

You we don't let the culture define what Christianity is because the culture has a definition of Christianity that includes all forms of immorality, sensuality.

Oh, absolutely.

What's the problem?

It's it's 2022.

I mean, come on, we're progressive people.

But Paul says this is not the way you learned Christ.

Translation, biblical Christianity does not allow for a life of sensual immorality.

I'm not saying we can make you stop.

I am saying you can no longer be considered Christian if you persist in this behavior.

And by the way, this is where much of our deconstructing our faith comes from.

Deconstructionism is a very popular thing nowadays, especially among young people.

Uh, they say, Well, I don't believe anymore.

I don't know if I believe this.

Uh, this is the genesis of a lot of this because what really happens is that we choke on our hypocrisy, but deconstructionism allows you to hold on to your intellectual integrity while morally you demonstrate none.

It's an intellectual spin on depravity, okay?

It's it it this is why when someone that once professed faith now mocks the faith, you shouldn't be threatened by that.

You should ask yourself, hey, what is this person's morality like?

Oughtness, not just in sexual things, but in all areas of life.

Because with somebody that once professed faith, when they mock the faith, what what they're telling you is my heart has become callous.

I cannot feel what I what's necessary for me to feel.

Here's the second phrase Paul uses.

He says, assuming that you've heard about him.

Assuming that you've heard about him.

Uh, here's why.

Some people have never heard the gospel about Christ, so their behavior is what it is.

Never assume that people have heard the gospel.

I mean, people that I don't mean people you meet out in the in out in the world.

I mean people sitting around you right now.

Some people have never had the gospel explained to them.

Here's the third phrase that Paul uses.

He says, You were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus.

Uh, translation, there's a truth that we only find in Jesus, it's exclusive to him, it cannot be found anywhere else.

Uh, therefore, it is important that you find a church that actually teaches what the Bible actually says.

Does that make sense?

Say amen.

It's not about, you know, all it's against him.

It's not that.

It's just there's a truth that is in Jesus, that is exclusive to Jesus, that you do not find anywhere else.

And that is the truth that sets you free.

Okay?

And so, uh having laid that foundation, I don't want to just run past those things to get to verse 25 where he says, therefore.

Therefore.

That means what I'm fixing to say is predicated on all the stuff that I just said.

Okay?

Therefore.

And then he ticks off six characteristics that should mark all healthy, godly biblical relationships, be they marriage, friendship, work relationships, whatever.

Here's six things you and I should be doing in all of our marriage, all of our relationship.

The first one is this, verse 25, speak the truth.

Speak truth.

Verse 25, therefore, having put away falsehood, let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Not only notice what it says, speak the truth.

Like, if I ask you, do you know the last lie that you told?

Would something come to your mind?

What's the last lie you told?

Now you may be thinking, well, is it a big lie or a little white lie?

Lies or lies, okay?

Let's don't get into categories.

Somebody told me last week, I said, Well, I kind of fudged a little bit.

And I said, I like fudge, but I think we're talking about a different thing here.

Well, I kind of, is that a sin?

And I said, Did you lie?

Well, I don't like that word.

I like to say I fudged a little bit.

Okay, fudge and jaws, sugar, chocolate, and pecans, okay?

I don't think that's what did you lie?

Well, I don't like that word.

See, if you don't know, if you're not willing to say that you lied, how do you know when you're telling the truth?

This is how you become pathological.

You know, there's some people that they lie without even trying.

Some of you are looking at your kid right now, like he's talking to you.

Wake up.

Yes, it's because you just become callous.

It's just like, I just, what do I gotta say to get out of this?

Speak the truth.

Now, by the way, don't just harp on that or you or you become mean.

Notice the motivation.

Look what he says in verse 25.

Having put away all falsehood, let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor.

Why?

For we are members one of another.

See, when you fail to speak the truth, you fail to preserve the oneness and the unity of the body of Christ.

And by extension, you fail to protect the oneness of your marriage or your friendships or your relationships.

The gospel always puts a motivation for our behavior in a context bigger than ourselves, because not only does it rescue us from ourselves in the beginning at conversion, it keeps on rescuing us from ourselves.

Because left to ourselves, we will do life out of the context of me.

And the beauty of that is you're always right.

But when you put yourself in the context of the gospel and the gospel says speak the truth, then it opens you up to a whole new realm of possibilities.

Now, the motivation for speaking the truth is we are members one of another.

We were created for oneness, but what we've settled for is unity.

We as a culture and a country talk about unity, but we don't talk about oneness.

And I'm here to say to you, in your marriage, you are to experience oneness, not just unity.

That means it's like in the beginning.

Uh the Bible says, for this cost man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

Ask yourself this question in my marriage, do I experience oneness?

That means that you feel what your spouse feels.

That means that you understand there's nothing that I next week, uh, I will on the 9th, it's my 29th wedding anniversary.

There's nowhere for me to hide from my wife.

She knows everything about me, she knows what I think.

She'll ask me a question and my eyebrow go up and she'll go, say it.

I'm like, no.

No.

And I'm like, and she goes, No, you can say it.

I'm like, I know I can say it, but I don't want to say it.

She goes, why?

Because it's gonna be like a 30-minute conversation.

Because I know none of you men do this, but sometimes my wife says something and I have three responses pop up in my head, and I pick the one that's gonna lead to less conversation going forward.

And she's like, No, I want I want it, bring it.

Because I used to tell myself, oh, she can't handle it, but she's demonstrated over 29 years, bring it, big boy.

I can handle anything you got.

It's just that sometimes 45 minutes later, because I'm an external processor and I process in the moment.

She's internal processor.

45 minutes later, she's like, Well, that's some more thoughts.

Four days later, remember that conversation?

No, I don't remember that conversation.

I'm done with it.

I was done with it when we had it.

It was like a calf rope into me.

Oh, well, no, I've been processing and praying.

Oh, for the love of God, be quiet.

Sometimes I and by the way, when oneness, you can't hide, by the way.

She knows what I'm thinking, she knows what I'm thinking.

She just kind of looks at me like, are you done?

Because I'm not done.

I'm like, I was done.

And I, but I can say I was done when we had the conversation.

Well, that's well and good, but I'm not, so be quiet and listen to me.

It's not good versus bad, it's just in oneness.

See, in oneness, it's not okay that my needs get met and hers don't.

I know.

You have needs, Eureka.

See, you speak the truth.

Why?

Because your members one of another.

And when you forfeit oneness, then you invite division into your marriage and into your friendships and relationships.

Never settle for unity when you were created for oneness.

Here's the second thing, the second characteristic that should adorn your marriage and all other relationships.

You should be angry.

Some of you are like, check.

Yeah.

Verse 26, look right there, it's in the Bible.

It's it's not a uh if you are, he says, be angry.

Command language in the Greek.

Be angry and do not sin.

If you're watching online right now, call your wife in the room and go, look, the Bible tells me to be mad at you.

See, it's God's will.

It's not what he's saying.

Look what he says.

He says, be angry and do not sin.

Do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.

When the Bible says, be angry, it also says in the same sentence, do not sin.

Anger is a righteous response to injustice.

So stop trying to not be angry.

Matter of fact, I would tell you one of the reasons America is so immoral and so morally corrupt is because Christians have lost the capacity to be angry and not sin.

We don't, somebody said to me just last week, you know, well, I know it's I'm just angry about that.

I know I shouldn't be.

And I said, why not?

Well, what do you what do you mean?

I said, Why shouldn't you be angry?

If you weren't angry, I would be concerned.

Matter of fact, there's a good chance you're probably not angry enough.

And that person looked at me like, you shouldn't be saying that.

It's like a trapdoor gonna open up under your chair and you're gonna fall in the ground.

No, the Bible says right here, be angry and do not sin.

Why?

Because when you when you're angry and you sin, he says, and do not let the sun go down your anger.

When you let the sun go down on your anger, you give the devil an opportunity.

That's why he says, be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Now, when you're not intentional with your anger, by the way, I had a conversation with somebody uh this past week or the week before.

Great conversation.

We were talking and I said something, and I suddenly he I could tell he's no longer in the conversation, he's thinking something.

I said, What are you thinking?

He goes, Well, oh, it was about today, actually.

He said, What are you preaching on?

And I said, Oh, I'm gonna talk about this and blah, blah, blah, and about how the Bible commands us to be angry.

And all of a sudden that person started looking up to the left.

I was like, What are you doing?

Having an outer body experience.

And he said, No, I'm thinking about the last time I was angry with you.

Don't you want to have interesting conversations like that?

And I said, Oh, tell me, I might need to repent.

And he said, Yeah, it was in this meeting and you said this, that just made me angry.

And I said, What'd you do with that?

He goes, I know what you meant, but I I kind of just it just made me angry.

And I said, Is there anything I need to learn about this?

He goes, No, I knew what you meant, it just made me angry that you said that.

See, that's being angry and not sinning by letting the sun go down on your wrath.

That means that you get angry and you don't do anything about it.

Because for a lot of people, anger justifies what you already want to think about that person.

So why be intentional?

Because you may have to repent of what you think about that person.

See, here's what some of the ways there's a when we're not intentional with anger, we sin in many ways.

Here's three of the more popular ones that I've seen in people.

Number one, when you practice triangulation instead of confrontation.

When I practice triangulation, in other words, if I'm if I'm angry with Bill, and Bill's over here, but I'm not gonna go to Bill, okay?

I let the sun go down on my wrath, in other words, the day ends, another day ends, another day ends.

But I'm having lunch with Tom over here, and Tom is friends with Bill.

And all of a sudden, I start talking to Tom, Bill's name comes up, and I tell Tom all the things I feel about Bill.

What I've done is I've made a triangle instead of I'm practicing triangulation.

I'm telling Tom in the hopes that he'll go tell Bill.

Confrontation is what my friend did in my office.

By the way, I tell you, he's in my office drinking my coffee.

What a selfish person, right?

And then has the audacity to say, come on, I'm thinking about the last time I was angry with you.

The reason you don't have very many refreshing conversations is because you don't practice these things.

I was like, oh, this is so good.

Now, some people in my life say, doesn't that bother you?

What that people get angry at me?

No.

If people got angry with Jesus, you you think you're gonna be so nice and I'm gonna get angry with you too?

But he says, Hey, don't let the sun go down on your anger.

See, when you practice triangulation instead of confrontation, here's another way we sit in our anger.

When you tell yourselves how they're going to respond as an excuse for not going to them.

Here, I I probably hear this at least once a week.

Sounds something like this.

Well, I mean, you can't win an argument with her, so why even try?

I I know, I know what he's gonna say, and I'm just not gonna mess with it.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't think the gospel gives you that permission.

Here's a third way we sin when we're not intentional with our anger.

When your anger justifies what you already want to think about that person.

When your anger justifies what you already want to think about that person, here's what it looks like.

Because if you go to that person and you're you're intentional and all of a sudden what your uh anger is based on is not true, then you have to repent and you have to let that person out of that prison you've had them locked up in.

See, the Bible says, hey, do not, because if you're not careful, especially in marriage, anger gives you permission, the gospel never does.

Oh, well, she just blah blah blah, or he always, and and and what?

Therefore, you deserve what?

See, so the Bible says, hey, be angry.

You should, in your marriage, can you still be angry to the glory of God?

Here's a third thing the Bible tells us that should mark our relationships.

We should be repenting.

We should be repenting.

It's verse 28.

He says, Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor doing honest work with his own hands so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

Now hear that again, okay?

And I want you to think about all the thieving that goes on in our country right now, all the smash and grabs or people go into stores, smash the cases, take stuff, all the looting, all the writing, whatever, and then hear the and by the way, when they do that, that's your Your fault because you, as a culture and a society, haven't provided them employment opportunities and educational opportunities, that's why they steal.

You know that, right?

That's what the media tells you.

But this hear how crazy the Bible is.

Again, verse 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor.

That means get a job.

I know it's crazy.

The government's not going to send you checks forever.

They're robbing you of your personal dignity.

Stop being lazy.

Get a job.

And it goes crazy.

Doing honest work with his own hands.

What?

Legalist.

So that they may have something to share with anyone in need.

This is a classic picture of repentance.

We say be repenting.

What do you mean?

Here's the definition.

Repentance is a change of mind that produces a change in behavior, which produces a change in outcomes.

Can you imagine going to a church and somebody finds out that you have some need and a guy walks up to you and says, hey man, here's 500 bucks.

You're like, oh no, man, I'm good.

I don't want to take that.

I'll figure it out.

Well, no, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I used to be a thief and I stole from people because I just thought I was entitled to it.

I didn't want to work.

But but but I became a Christian and somebody explained to me that I could labor with my own hands and I'm at a different place.

And so by repenting, I've given myself the dignity of contribution.

So not only do I not steal from people, but I'm able to help people in need because I've repented.

See, repenting is not just saying you're sorry.

Repentance, again, is a change of mind that produces a change in behavior, which produces a change in outcome.

Repentance allows us to experience.

The thief experiences the dignity of contribution.

So don't leave here and go, oh, he's mocking the writers or the looters or the thief that's still.

No, no, no, no.

I'm saying those people are robbing themselves of the dignity of contribution.

There is no better feeling in the world than to be able to say, you know what, I used to be this way, and now I'm totally different.

I'm not that person at all.

Glory to God.

Well, what happened?

I just repented.

I got tired of being a thief, always looking for opportunities to take from other people.

And I got a job and I labor with my own hands.

And when I went home at night, I had exerted myself and I didn't have as much energy as I used to to sin.

So I stopped sinning in ways I used to sin.

I told a young man in counseling a couple weeks ago, he's I said, How old are you?

He's 22.

He goes, Man, is sin always gonna be as hard as it is right now?

I said, No.

I said, You got a job?

He goes, No.

I said, No, because when you grow up and be a man, you get a job, you go home and you're tired.

He looked at me and said, What's it got to do with anything?

I said, Sometimes you're so tired, you're too tired to sin.

He said, I'm not there yet.

I said, Yeah.

This is why you should get a job.

And by the way, while you're waiting for a job, go volunteer somewhere.

And he said, What do you mean?

I said, What else could that mean?

He said, Well, my unemployment hadn't run out yet.

I didn't ask about unemployment.

I'm talking about dignity.

You're talking about a check.

Yeah, you should exert yourself.

Exertion is essential to spiritual formation.

I've never heard that before.

That's behind you're becoming lazy, son.

We got enough people on the government dole.

Get off the dole and be a man and work with your hands.

And he's like, bro, I mean that that that almost feels harsh to me.

I said, it's not.

It's the truth.

It's in the Bible.

He was with me.

I said, the Bible says crazy stuff like if you don't work, you don't eat.

Legalist.

Now look at me.

The Bible wants you to lay your head down at night, men and women, and feel good about yourself.

Instead of living in fear that they're gonna knock on your door one day because let me confess my sin to you.

I used to be a thief.

When I was in the eighth grade, they came and got me out of Mrs.

Kate's world history class.

The police knocked on my door, the door, and they said, We need to see Mr.

McClendon.

And they took me out in the hall and they made me put my head on the lockers and put my hands behind my back and they perp walked me down three flights of stairs, out the front door, into the police car.

And my whole middle school saw it.

I could have sworn I heard the background.

Bad boys, bad boys, what you're gonna do, what you're gonna do when they come for you.

Yeah.

Because we were thieves, me and my friends, we broke into a place and took stuff.

Yes, and that's illegal.

And I went to school the next day and they said, What'd they arrest you for?

Oh man, they just hate me.

The man got his foot on my neck.

No, they said, Hey man, uh, did they arrest you for that candy you've been selling?

Because we broke into the concession stand at a little league baseball complex and stole all the candy?

And because when you're poor, you're also stupid.

I took whole boxes of MMs to school, put them in my locker, and was selling them by the candy machine for less than the candy machine charged.

They didn't like my capitalistic endeavors.

Yeah.

And so anytime I go back to my hometown and my friends are there, they're like, man, you're like very generous, McClendon.

You used to be a thief.

I said, I know.

Is God good or what?

Now, some of you may be like, don't call him a thief.

No, that's true.

I used to break into a church and steal high C because me and my friends would engage in certain behaviors that left you with cotton mouth.

And the window was always open.

We took it as a sign.

God wanted us to go down and drink their high sea.

It was in the can.

And that the pitch of the roof was A-frame, Emmanuel Baptist Church, by the way.

And we'd get we'd get a can, climb up there, and sit on top of the roof with a can of high sea and drink it.

Like we were the kings of the world.

One day I was back home, I bought my lamb some groceries and clear as a bell, the Holy Spirit said, buy all the high sea in the store.

They're like, What, what, what?

I didn't ask any questions.

I just loaded it all up, put it in the back of my suburban, drove it over there, walked in.

I said, Excuse me, I used to live in that house, right, that rent house right there.

And she said, Really?

I said, Yeah, it was worse than it looks, even uh, but I used to break into your church years ago and steal high sea because I was a little thief.

Uh, but I was in Brookshire's just now, and the Holy Spirit told me to buy all the high C in the store.

I don't know why, but here you go.

I got a load.

And she's like, Oh my god, I'm not gonna hurt you, ma'am.

Relax, relax.

You don't understand.

Uh okay, what?

She said, We have vacation Bible school next week.

We had a meeting this morning.

We realized in our meeting this morning we spent all our budget, but we forgot to buy drinks.

I said, Well, I hope your kids like high C.

And I just piled it up.

And she goes, What's your name?

I said, It doesn't matter.

She goes, Did you really?

Oh, yeah, I can show you the window on the fellowship hall over there.

Didn't you feel bad about stealing from a church?

Listen, when you're hungry, you ain't feel bad about nothing.

I thought if you church people really cared about me, you'd do something, but y'all didn't do diddly, okay?

And I hated y'all for it.

And she's like, Well, we're not bad people.

Yeah, and that remains to be seen.

But anyway, there you go.

Left.

I'm halfway back to Sugarland.

My phone rings.

It's the pastor who I knew grew up with that church.

And I said, How'd you know it was me?

He goes, Thanks for the house.

I said, How'd you know?

He goes, She said, some man said he was a violent, angry kid.

He goes, Oh, that's Neil McClendon.

Look at me.

Let the thief that stole steal no more.

Why?

Because there's no feeling like the dignity of contribution, of taking personal responsibility.

So be repenting, okay?

Here's the fourth thing tells us: give grace.

Give grace.

Verse 29.

You still with me say yes.

Look at verse 29.

He says, Hey, what do you mean give grace?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for the building up, as it fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

That it may give grace.

Let no corrupting or that's it, yes.

The NIV says, no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.

Most of you hear that and you think, oh, I don't use profanity.

It's not talking about profanity.

Would to God it were that simple, okay?

But the Bible gets down to the nitty-gritty of our life.

So when it says no corrupting, that word corrupting or unwholesome, it refers to worn out, of poor quality, unfit for use, stale.

Stale.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't let stale words come out of your mouth.

I didn't really understand this until one summer I worked at a summer camp.

I called students for all the country.

13 weeks we're together.

About week seven, it's like a game of survivor.

Alliances have been made.

We're at each other's throats.

You know who you like, you know who you don't like.

And we're standing around about four or five of the guys, and the camp director, he's like a guy that's old, got gray hair.

He's spiritually wise.

And we're complaining about this one guy that don't work.

Because here's my confession.

I don't like lazy people.

If you don't work hard, you don't do your job, I don't want to be around you.

I think you're stealing from us.

And this one guy, he would go off, he had certain assignments, and he would go uh out on the campground somewhere and take a nap.

And I'm just like, dude, you're you're sorry, man.

Get out of here.

So we're sitting around talking, and we're all his name comes up, and what are you gonna do?

Have you had to work with him?

Yeah, I had to work with him.

Yeah, I had pool duty one time.

We got to get up every morning, clean the pool, do all that stuff.

And he would oversleep every morning, every morning of the week.

He'd go, Oh man, I'm sorry.

I'm like, I'm done now, go back to bed.

Okay.

And so I was sharing and just giving my opinion.

And the cab director sat there, he didn't say a word, so I'm just thinking, clearly he agrees with me and the rest of us.

Finally, at the end of it, we were like, well, Blaine, what do you think?

And he goes, Ah, I've heard all this about him before.

This is all stale to me.

Basically, you've just served me leftovers.

I'm not interested in leftovers.

I hate leftovers.

I don't like to eat leftovers and I don't like to hear them, and turned around and walked off.

And we were just standing there, like, what just happened?

That night at supper, he walks over this tray and he goes, Can I sit with you?

And I was like, Ugh, am I in trouble?

He sat down and he started laughing.

I said, What?

And he goes, You figured out what I meant from earlier?

I said, No.

And I thought about it.

He was so gracious.

He wasn't mad.

He didn't say, You boys are sitting around gossiping.

He goes, No, it's frustrating to work with people when your work ethic is here, theirs is here.

I said, Yeah, it is.

And he said, You know the Bible talks about in Ephesians chapter 4 and it says, let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

That's stale, overused words, Neil.

That's what I call verbal leftovers.

All that stuff I knew about him.

Tell me something new and fresh.

And then I said, Isn't that about cussing?

I've always thought that was about cussing.

He said, Let me tell you something.

You can never utter a profane word and speak unwholesome speech the rest of your life.

I got in bed that night thinking about this Christianity thing.

I gotta think about this a little bit more.

It's not just behavior modification.

So when he says, hey, give grace, in other words, speak in such a way that the people that hear you speak understand grace more than before you started speaking.

Here's the fifth thing.

He says, be spirit aware.

Verse 30.

He he it gets down to where we live.

He says, Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Do not grieve the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness, how do we grieve the Holy Spirit of God?

Here's some behaviors we do.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

So when I say be spirit aware, it's important that we understand what this means because we're going to live in relation to the Spirit until the day of redemption.

When you became a Christian, God Spirit came to live inside of you.

And so you have the ability to feel and to sense when you've sinned.

Like if I ask you, hey, can you still feel when you sin?

What would you say?

Hello?

Yeah, I know it's cold outside, but let me ask you again.

When I can you still feel when you see?

I ask people this question all the time in counseling, and they're like you.

They're like, what?

Are we supposed to answer it out loud?

Yes, the Spirit of God lives inside of you, okay?

And sometimes it's subtle, it's just like if you put your hand on your arm and squeeze this, like little compression of spirit, like, nah.

And sometimes it's like the game operation.

You ever played that game?

And you touch the side, when I was in college, I had to explain there's a guy that would come to my dorm room just to hang out with me and my roommate Joey, and his name was Arthur.

Arthur played on the he's a powerful basketball team.

Arthur wasn't a believer.

And he goes, Man, how you cats, how do y'all know what to do the right thing?

I said, Well, as a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit inside of you.

And he leads you into the truth.

And I loved being around Arthur who didn't know Jesus.

He said, What does that mean?

And I said, Well, I said you ever play the game operation?

He goes, Yeah.

I said, What happened when we touched the side?

He went, we died laughing.

I said, That's exactly what when you grieve the spirit, you should feel it inside of you.

And so he said, You ever grieve the spirit?

You ever feel?

I said, Yeah, once a while.

I'm like, sometimes I'm just getting close to sitting.

The Holy Spirit's like, starts off subtle, and if I don't listen, it gets shrill.

Probably a week later, I'm walking across campus talking to a girl, and I see Arthur coming this way, and he looks up and goes, I said, Ain't nothing happening here.

I see him in the cafeteria, I said, I'm good.

He goes, Man, I can't stop thinking about that.

I said, Yeah, yeah.

I said, See, here's the thing: God doesn't just say, All right, you're forgiven, try harder, keep your nose clean.

His spirit comes inside of you and he gives you an indication of what brings him pleasure.

This is how you know.

Here he says, hey, the text goes on to list these behaviors that grieve the spirit, bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, malice, they're all right there.

Deep sense of hatred that produces bitter fruit.

Just pick out your favorite one.

Anger, agitated soul that gives in to the impulses of the mind.

Clamor, that's not a word we use, clamor.

It's an inability to not speak out.

Someone's name come up, you're just you just got a share.

Malice.

That's my personal favorite.

A desire to injure.

My wife was talking to me a while back and she was kind of confronting me about some things.

Nothing big, you know, just little things.

Uh by the way, they can be little to you.

If they're big to your spouse, they're big.

And I guess I smirked or something, and she said, What?

And I said, I'm very aware that right now I want to wound you with my words.

And she said, Oh, well, that's your sin.

Anyway, and just kept going.

But that's malice.

That's malice.

One time we were talking, and I was like, Oh, I am so very aware that right now that I want to be defensive because I think this is gonna get serious.

So when you experience me becoming defensive, call me on it.

And she's like, Okay, I'm not gonna stop.

Oh, I know.

Yeah.

See, these are when the Bible says, hey, be spirit aware, because you are created to live from the inside out, not from the outside in.

Being spirit aware starts in here.

Now, those are a lot of words: bitterness, anger, clamor, slander, but I want to just uh draw your attention to this one little word.

It's a lot of words, but the one I want to draw your attention to is the little word all.

Let all bitterness, all wrath, all anger, all clamor, all slander, all malice be put away from you.

Can you imagine what you would be like void of these things?

And the last thing the Bible tells us is to be kind.

Probably saves the best for last.

Be kind.

Now, by the way, there's books written about the derivation, nice and kind.

I have a real simple distinction.

Nice is about me.

I'm nice, you think I'm nice, that's awesome.

Kind is about you.

Kindness is one of the most tangible expressions of the gospel because to be kind is to profess that my heart is still tender towards this person and I forgive them.

Look at verse 32.

He says, Be kind to one another.

He doesn't say be nice, be kind.

How do you know you're being kind?

Because you're able to be tender-hearted and forgiving one another.

Is your heart still tender towards your spouse?

Or over the years have you just developed layer upon layer upon layer of calluses where they can't hurt you anymore?

Be kind.

What do you mean be kind?

Here's how you know you're being kind because you're able to be tender-hearted.

Well, they could hurt my heart again.

Absolutely.

Someone said in my office not long ago, I want a guarantee, this is never gonna happen again.

And I said, He can tell you that, but he can't back that up.

I hope to God it never happens again.

But you gotta to forgive him is to be tenderhearted.

He could hurt your heart again.

Because if you don't forgive, your heart will always be guarded.

See, these behaviors involve vulnerability and foolishness because sin uh they could sin against me again and hurt my heart, and then I would feel like a fool for ever having forgiven them in the first place.

There is a foolishness to forgiveness that you can't get away from.

You have to embrace and let yourself feel.

The Bible just sums all that up by just these two simple words be kind.

Be kind.

All y'all think my wife is nice.

Y'all say, Oh, she's such a nice person.

No, she's not.

She's kind, which is worse for me.

Because I don't have any excuse for not being kind, for not being tenderhearted, not forgiving her.

Remember.

Now you may that that's hard.

I mean, be kind, be tender hearted.

You don't know what she's done, you don't know what he's done, you don't know what they said about me.

That doesn't matter.

Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another.

If that's hard, remember this.

Said this in the beginning.

Let me let me end by saying it again.

The gospel always puts the motivation for our behavior in a context bigger than ourselves.

Because not only does it rescue us from ourselves at conversion, it continues to rescue us from ourselves by putting us in a bigger context.

And it does it right here in verse 32.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.

Here's the context as God in Christ forgave you.

Forgave past tense.

The gospel isn't asking us to do something we don't know how to do, we may not want to, but we've had the experience of being forgiven.

So once again, the gospel uh puts the motivation for our behavior in the context of something bigger than us, thus ensuring we can be and become more than we've been and more than we are right now.

And the way you get that is just by embracing these two consequential, deeply reverberating with gospel truth words.

Be kind.

Well, how do you know they're being kind?

Because their heart is still tender towards you?

Because they've forgiven you.

Let's pray together.

If you're a guest, we like to teach the Bible and then give you some soul space to think about it.

And so some questions come up on the screen.

I'm gonna voice a prayer, and Lindsay may sing something over you, but let's just be still and think about what we've heard this morning.

We talk about our marriages and our relationships.

What does this mean?

How does the Bible apply to this?

Let me voice a prayer.

God, thank you for the truth of the gospel.

That there's a truth in Jesus that we don't find anywhere else.

So every time we gather, we open the Bible.

We're not about being political or about being cultural.

We want to be biblical.

We're aware of politics, we're aware of our culture, but we're shaped by what the Bible says.

And so, Holy Spirit, brood over us while we think about these things.

God, when we say that you're sovereign over us, what we are acknowledging is that you have the authority to inform how we live.

That you're the boss, you're in charge, whatever right word makes it click in our head.

So you have the right to tell us what to do.

It's not about behavior modification, it's about identity.

It's not about us trying to lift earth up to heaven as an expression of acceptance.

It's about heaven coming down to earth as an expression of authority.

So, Holy Spirit, press in on us all that's necessary.

Let everything else fall to the ground before we leave this room.

We pray this in Jesus' name.

And everyone said, Amen.

Amen.

If you're a guest today, let me say thanks for being here.

You're always welcome.

Always welcome.

All we ask of you today is if you haven't already, if you pull those guest cards in the sink back pocket in your row, fill that out and drop it one of the wooden boxes by the doors on your way out.

Uh, for the rest of us, if today's the day you worship God through obedience or generosity, uh, that's where you take care of that as well.

We have a couple of important announcements we want to make you aware of, so give your attention to our video screens.

Hi, I'm Blake Hardcastle, your spiritual formation pastor, and I want to give you some updates on our Bible study environments.

First, midweeks are right around the corner.

They'll begin on the 11th and 12th of January.

On Tuesday morning, the 11th, our ladies-only midweeks begin.

And on Wednesday night, the 12th, it's midweeks for everybody else.

We'll begin with a meal, and then we have four adult classes on what you're considering.

One is on the book of Proverbs, second is the book of Leviticus.

How do we exalt Christ in Leviticus?

Third is a class on neighboring, and lastly is a court class on Christian belief.

On the 9th of January, our Sunday morning classes will all be refreshed with new topics.

These have all been specifically chosen for your growth and your enjoyment.

Now, when the new building comes online, there's gonna be some changes to our Sunday morning publicity.

The main change is we're gonna shift the time we meet and how we begin.

So we will meet at 8:45 a.m.

here in the old sanctuary, the big room.

This is where the coffee's gonna be, this is where you wanna be.

Now, our teachers for a long time have done a great job at teaching for transformation, and we're gonna balance that now with socialization.

Not just knowing what's true, but knowing one another.

One last thing.

We're beginning a new class just for couples.

The first series will be on marriage.

Now, we're not gonna always talk about marriage.

In fact, what we'll always talk about is what does the Bible say?

How does it instruct us to live life as two who'd become one?

Join us in a new year for midweeks and Sunday morning Bible studies.

I hope to see you there.

One of the things, if you're new to our church, we're building a new sanctuary right next door.

It is not quite ready.

As I stand here before you today, it looks like our first Sunday in the new sanctuary will be January the 30th, which means Bible study will continue as normal for the next three weeks.

Uh they meet in classrooms upstairs.

But on the 30th, and we'll be pushing out information to you.

Uh starting today or tomorrow, you'll get an email that shows, hey, this is class that's being taught by this person.

Uh, but uh we'll we will verify, but it looking like the 30th, and starting on January 30th, we'll have a gathering assembly right here at 8 45 for everybody that goes to Bible study.

Because we believe that you come to church for transformation, but also for socialization.

You want to see people like, oh yeah, somebody in the lobby said, Man, I saw some, I met somebody I went to church with 20 years ago.

I and they're visited.

I said, Great.

Uh, we want you to meet other people, okay?

So on the 30th, we'll have a different setup.

It'll be in here.

Uh a lot of these chairs will be gone so you can meal around, have coffee, whatever, be like a small, a brief assembly, and then you'll head up to your classrooms, okay?

But the couples class will meet in this big room starting on January 30th, all right?

Uh, if you have any questions, Blake, our spiritual formation pastor, and Marcia, our women's pastor, will be available down front.

Our women's studies are coming up.

I know Elaine Rice is teaching one.

I don't know who's teaching the other one.

But if you have any questions about Tuesday morning Bible studies or Wednesday night Bible studies, they are the people to ask, okay?

We'd like to conclude our service with a spoken blessing.

So stand on your feet.

Hold your hands out if you would.

Therefore, therefore, therefore, everything God asks you to do is predicated upon what he's already done.

Therefore, go and do what you're capable of in all your relationships.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Bless you.