Biblical Masculinity - Part 2 - Brendan Hurley - Men's Conference 2026

Four years ago I caught up with a close mate

for a coffee and we sat down and I was asking

him how life was going how's work going and you

know we chatting and chewing on things and and

I asked how his marriage was going and he started

telling me that his marriage was not in a good

place. His wife was cold and distant and he just

felt like everything he did made it worse. And

so he asked me, Brandon, what should I do? And

I thought immediately, oh, Ephesians 5, that's

the key. Be a sacrificial husband. You know,

what's that going to look like? Help out more,

plan a nice date night every once in a while,

be generous. I thought that was really good advice.

Men had told me that they'd used Ephesians 5

with me and said, that's what you should do as

a man. But I think sadly it turned out I was

treating a bullet wound with a band -aid. A few

years later they were divorced and my advice

didn't help. I think it might have even made

things worse because the issues were deeper,

more complex and more serious than I knew. Now

if I had my time over I would sit down in that

coffee shop with my mate and I would still crack

open Ephesians 5 with him. But I would tackle

it very differently. What would I say to him

if I was speaking to him now? Well, that's what

I want to share with you today. Don't mishear

me. Ephesians 5 is not wrong. It's an awesome

passage. It was the right passage. I just think

sometimes we don't always apply it rightly. and

also it's one passage among the whole Bible.

And so we need to integrate what it's saying

with the whole Bible's teachings. And I want

to add to that there's a caveat here too. Ephesians

5 is gospel -driven commands that we imitate

Christ, it's all driven by grace, but it's not

a promise. This is not the prosperity gospel.

It's not you do this and have enough faith and

you know, your marriage will be perfect and wonderful

and the best marriage ever We live in a fallen

world. You can get this right and still have

a rough marriage that ends Is it the best way

to do marriage? Yeah But we live in a fallen

world. So don't hear me as promising more than

I'm saying and Finally if you're single and expect

to stay single stay tuned because this passage

helps you too. I want to show you how this passage

helps single people, married people, helps all

of us as men. It gives us principles on how men

lead anyone. So let's have a look at this passage.

What's the big thing it's teaching us? Well,

here's the big thing, Ephesians 5, I think you

say, the best thing a man can do is become a

Christ -like leader. Best thing a man can do,

especially in his marriage and his family has

become a Christ -like leader. What's it look

like to do that? What did my friend need to hear?

What do I need to hear in my marriage and my

family? Well, it's three things. Men need to

lead. Men need to love. And men need to lean.

And that's lean on Jesus. Rely on Him. So let's

have a look at each of them. Firstly, men...

need to leave. If you've got your Bible there,

come with me to Ephesians 5 22 and 23, or it's

on the screen if you need as well. It says, wives

submit yourselves to your own husbands as you

do to the Lord, for the husband is the head of

the wife as Christ is the head of the church,

his body of which he is the saviour. Now as the

church submits to Christ, so also wives should

submit to their husbands in everything. Now there

are a lot of people and a lot of men sadly who

abuse the Bible And abusers often abuse the Bible

So when we're teaching it, I don't want to just

tell you what I think it's saying I want to tell

you what I think it's not saying as well so that

we're especially clear When it's talking about

wives submitting to husbands and husbands being

the head of the wife It's not saying that a woman

should be a yes woman. That she shouldn't express

her ideas and opinions. It's not saying that

there's never a time for a woman to say no. You

know, if her husband says, you know, sweetheart,

let's go rob that bank together, she submits

to Jesus. And so she's not gonna go rob that

bank, if you were thinking of doing that. Don't

tell your wife that. Anyway, but just so you

know, that's... Yeah, she needs to submit to

Jesus first and foremost above her man. It's

also not saying husbands make your wives submit.

This is a voluntary self -yielding. It's up to

them to choose this. And this is not saying women

are inferior to men. I mean, we live in a culture

where function and authority and power tends

to give you more value. We tend to think, oh,

that person's important and they're more valuable

than me because they're important and they've

got a special role or whatever it might be. Now,

when we read the Bible, we find multiple reasons

as to why we're equal, even if we have different

roles and functions. So you think of the Omegoday,

the image of God that humankind is made in. It's

male and female. Adam and Eve are both equal.

They have different functions, different roles,

but in terms of their value, they're equal. We

look at the cross. At the cross we see that Jesus

died for all people. Man, woman, slave, free,

Jew, Gentile. No one is more important. The cross

is a great leveller, isn't it? But even within

the Trinity, we see this. So the Father and the

Son and the Holy Spirit, they're all equal to

one another. They're all equally God, fully God.

And yet, the Father, he initiates and tells the

Son what to do, and the Son submits. So just

because someone submits to someone else doesn't

mean they're less than. We can be equal. even

if we have different roles. And it's important

we take this to heart, because I think our culture

needs to hear it, but back in Paul's day, these

ideas were incredibly countercultural as well.

Because back then, women were considered inferior.

They weren't to just submit to their husbands,

they were to submit and sacrifice to their husbands.

They would just sacrifice for their husbands

as well as do what they were told. It was an

awful way to be in a lot of ways. So what this

is saying is quite revolutionary. It's giving

women value. And it's pointing out that there's

a power dynamic in a marriage. Just like in a

workplace or a sports team, when there's no consensus,

someone has to make a call. Do we move and take

that job away or do we stay here and keep going?

Do we use that money we've got on a holiday or

we're going to do it on renovations in the house?

You know, should we buy a house? Should we rent

a house? Men are the head. They have authority.

They set the tone. They're responsible. They

need to wear the pants. And wives should submit

to them and respect them. Now, it's pleasant

if everyone just agrees, isn't it? So much nicer.

But when we can't agree, that's what happens

with power. Someone has to make a call. And that's

not wrong. Power has its place. Modern feminism,

as I said before, has done much good, and feminism's

done much good, yet it's also made it very hard

for men to lead, hasn't it? And I think being

Australian makes it hard for us to lead. We're

Australians. We like to cut down our tall poppies,

don't we? We like our hierarchies flat. We're

sceptical of power. But power has its place.

Approximately 10 years ago, police in the north

eastern part of Brazil went on a week -long strike.

The result was 143 people died, transport systems

were stopped, schools and clinics were closed.

Many citizens were trapped in their homes because

that was the only place that was relatively safe.

What's that meant to teach us? Power and authority

are needed for the good ordering of society.

If you don't have power and authority, you end

up with anarchy, don't you? and chaos. It's good

to have power. Power is a good thing. It can

be abused. It can be misused. That's an awful

thing. But power itself is a good thing. And

so we shouldn't shy away from having authority

and taking responsibility of being leaders. What

do you think it's like for a wife whose husband

shies away from leadership and taking responsibility.

It's chaos as well, isn't it? She either has

to let things unravel or she nags him or she

withdraws from him or she tries to take charge

when she doesn't want to. And that's when resentment

builds. That's when the belittling can begin,

you know, you're not much of a man, are you?

Or whatever it might be. The respect for you

evaporates and then the arguments become the

pattern, your confidence drops, her trust in

you erodes and she feels like you're unsafe.

And I mean, men not leading, that's toxic masculinity,

but you know what it often leads to is toxic

femininity. Because we're not wired that way.

And so when men don't step up, it can often lead

to big problems for their lady. Now if this were

the NHA Women's Conference, I'd be telling the

women that this passage is telling you don't

belittle or emasculate your husband. Communicate

clearly and non -critically. Give them space

to step up. Appreciate them and submit to their

lead. Because that's what the Bible is calling

them to do. and they need to clean up their side

of the street. But in case you hadn't noticed,

we're not at the women's conference, we're at

the men's conference. And so I'm telling you

today, men, we need to lead. We can't shy away

from our responsibility to lead. Now, what's

that look like? Let me give you some concrete

examples. As men who are leading, we need to

listen and consider what our wives are saying.

We need to think. I'm not saying let's be draconian

and just ignore what our wives say and just run

off into the distance. That's not leadership.

But we need to do what's best for her and our

families, even if she's unhappy about it. That's

leadership. It's making the hard calls. it's

not letting her emotions cloud our judgment.

When she gets upset and emotional about something,

it's easy to want to go, oh, I want to make you

happy. And I don't think it's the best thing,

but that'll just calm you down. Okay, we'll go

with what you think. No, if we're convinced that

there's a better way to go, that is a right way

to go, you know, look, there's some things you

can let go, pick your battles, but on something

important, back yourself. You need to back yourself,

no matter her reactions. As leaders, we need

to be reliable. We need to be the sort of men

who follow through on what we say. And if we

struggle at that, we need to find ways to do

it, create systems in our life to do it. As men,

we need to be the sort of blokes who initiate

things other than sex. There are so many wives

out there... who I think they're just like, I

wish my man would initiate something else. We

need to be men who dream, plan, solve, who initiate

family devotions, who initiate different things

in our systems in our family, who are willing

to have the hard conversations. And as men, we

need to be ones who carry a lot of the mental

load. Not asking our wives, what do you need,

sweetheart? Because that's putting the onus and

the pressure back on her to work it out. We need

to be the ones who are looking around, seeing

the problems, making the list. Okay, we've got

this at home and that needs to be sorted. And

yeah, we communicate with her and we might delegate

some things to her. But we do our share and we

think it through. We're driving things, aren't

we? That's leadership. Even if it doesn't come

naturally to you, it's still something... we

all need to work on. And growth takes time, that's

okay. But God has made men to be leaders of our

homes and we must lead. No matter what the cultural

narrative out there is, God is telling us that's

who we are. We must take responsibility and not

avoid our God given authority. We are to lead.

I wish I'd told that to my mate back in that

coffee shop. But how do we use that authority?

Well, we're meant to love. Men need to love.

Have a look at verse 25 to 30. It says, without

spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might

be holy and without blemish. In the same way

husbands should love their wives as their own

bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for

no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes

and cherishes it just as Christ does the church

because we are members of his body. Now here's

a great little Bible reading tip. When reading

the Bible remember Verbs tell you where the action

is. It's a bit of a play on words. Anyway, verbs

tell you where the action is. What verb dominates

these verses? Well, have a look. What do you

see? It's love, isn't it? And most of the other

verbs around it are unpacking what love looks

like. Jesus gave himself, he sacrificed himself,

that's love. And he did it to sanctify, to make

holy the church, to cleanse. That's loving, isn't

it? And it's gonna be awesome, he's gonna present

the church to himself one day, you know, because

he wants to be in that relationship of love with

the church forever. And not only that, he nourishes

and cherishes the church, or feeds and cares

for it. That's loving. And so Jesus is our reference

point on how to do love in our marriages, in

our families. Put it all together, we discover

what it means to be a loving man, a loving leader

and a loving husband by looking at Jesus' relationship

with the church. What's the outcome? What's the

goal that Jesus has for his church? He wants

to present her wholly to himself on that last

day. That's where it's all headed. And the means

that he will do that with is that he gives himself,

dies for their sins, and nourishes them with

the Word and cherishes them and treats them as

valuable and precious. Now, what's that mean

for a husband? If you're going to be a Christ

-like husband, who loves your wife like Christ

loved the church, here's your job. Help your

wife stay Christian. That's the loving thing

you can do, is help your wife stay Christian.

That's what this is saying. That's the outcome

Jesus is trying to get to, and he's trying to

love his church to that point. It's a bit like

being a pastor. Here's what it says in Hebrews

13, 17. Obey your leaders and submit to them

for they are keeping watch over your souls as

those who have to give an account. Let them do

this with joy and not with groaning. It's always

much nicer when it's a joy and not groaning.

For that would be of no advantage to you. See,

at one level, you're all individuals who are

responsible for your own souls, aren't you? Yet,

as a leader of the church, I have responsibility

for your soul as well. We both do. Both things

are true. And it's the same with husbands and

wives. Your wife is responsible for her own spiritual

health, for her own soul. But husbands have a

responsibility to lovingly lead their wives in

such a way that their faith thrives. So that

they persevere. So that they're still trusting

Jesus at that last day. Sometimes Steve and I

go out for a coffee in his little MG. I love

to call it Kermit. It's a beautiful car. You

feel the breeze in your hair. For Steve, I think

it's more in his scalp, but that's okay. He probably

won't take me out in it again now. But Steve's

brought this car. He's looked after it well.

I want you to imagine, imagine an M .G. enthusiast.

And they find online, they see this beat up M

.G. and they think, I'm going to restore it and

get it ready and beautiful by my 60th birthday.

And so they go and they buy it. They spend their

hard earned money. They spend their time, their

energy and their effort making it beautiful,

polishing it up, washing it, polishing it again.

You know, they love that car because their goal

is that one day They want to enjoy the fullness

of it on their 60th birthday. Well, that's like

what Jesus does with his church. We were rusty

bombs because of our sin. And he's bought us

and he's restored us so that he can present us

to himself on that last day. And you know what?

Imagine if I borrowed this guy's MG, this restorer,

or if I just borrowed Steve's one. What would

I be doing with that car? I'd be very careful

to look after it well, wouldn't I? Because I'd

go, that is a precious and beautiful car. It's

been entrusted into my care. Well, that's how

Christian men treat their wives. Oh, she belongs

to Jesus. She's part of the church. He died for

her at one level. Jesus is her real husband,

and he's the one who died for her, cares for

her, makes her beautiful. But you know what?

There's a sense in which Jesus has entrusted

Laura into my care. I need to look after her

really, really well. I saw someone online the

other day said, most men treat their car, I thought

they were a bit over the top, but still, they

said most men treat their cars better than they

treat their wives. I thought that's a bit rough.

But then, you know, maybe there's a grain of

truth in it. Maybe we need to take that responsibility

and go, yes, I need to treat her better. I need

to nourish her spiritually and cherish her and

show her she's valued. See, if you act like these

men in a marriage, if you're the passive people

pleaser, the misogynistic tough guy or the stupid

slugger, you're not looking after your wife well,

are you? What does it look like to be a loving

leader and husband, a loving man? It's about

sacrificing, isn't it? You've got to ask yourself

what's best for her and do it even if it costs

you. And in the long run, I mean, I would expect

she will probably like you more for that. But

she might not like it at the time, but... That's

what a man does, is we sacrifice. It's nourishing.

It's praying for her. It's praying with her.

It might be getting up early if you've got kids

and handling the kids so she can have a quiet

time. It might be encouraging her and making

sure, yeah, we're going to go to church. Church

is important. Because I know we get fed by the

word there. It might be encouraging her, hey

sweetheart, how are you going in your faith?

I just want to check in, see how you're going,

oh, you did a great job with that Sunday school

lesson the other day, or whatever it might be.

And it's cherishing her, it's celebrating her,

it's listening to her, you know, it's putting

the phone down and going, I am going to give

you my attention. It's taking an interest in

her in a world. It's going, I so value you and

care about you that I'll forgive you when you

stuff up. It's about using your power, energy

and strength for her good. Put it another way,

here's the sweet spot, I reckon. In the ancient

world, what Paul was writing to is people who

were husbands who were domineering. They would

be too harsh with their wives and... I think

a lot of what he's writing is he's trying to

bring them back to loving leadership. But I think

in our culture we tend to have a struggle with

this side. We tend to be a bit more passive.

There are still some who are domineering. But

I think we tend to have a lot of blokes today

because of feminism and some of the other things

that are happening. We tend to be too passive.

And so we need to read this and see that we're

trying to get back in the middle as well. We're

trying to get back to loving leadership using

our power and our authority but in a way that

is loving. I mean that's what the Lord Jesus

did, didn't he? Do you remember Mark 10? Where

the one who is great among you is the one who

is slave of all. For even the son of man came

not to be served, he didn't come to be Homer

Simpson lying down and have everyone serve him,

he came to serve and give his life as a ransom

for many. It's not that he didn't have power.

He's the son of man. He's the one who reigns

over everything. But he uses that power for the

good of others for their benefit. He's not a

doormat. He's not a pushover. But he uses his

power for their good, sacrificially. That's what

Jesus does. That's the balance we need to get

is loving leadership. But how do we get there?

Well men need to lean We need to lean on Jesus

Have a look with me at verse 31 to 33 Therefore

a man shall leave his father and mother and hold

fast to his wife and the two shall become one

flesh This mystery is profound and I'm saying

that it refers to Christ in the church However,

let each one of you love his wife as himself,

and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

So, Paul here is going back to what we read in

Genesis, too. And he's saying, you know, when

it talks about the, what is it, the two becoming

one flesh, that's actually talking about Christ

and the church. And you're sitting there going,

really? I thought that's Adam and Eve, and I

thought that's kind of me and my wifey. And Paul's

saying, yes, it is. But ultimately, the real

reality is it's talking about Jesus and his church.

See, every Christian in this room is married.

We've got a marriage made in heaven. We're married

to the Lord Jesus because we are his bride. And

if you've got issues with that, you know, we'll

talk later. But you can ask him Q &A or whatever.

But it's an OK thing. It's a metaphor. But we

are married to Jesus and the key to leading and

loving better as a man is not just to learn from

Jesus and imitate him, but to allow yourself

to be loved by him. I mean, this passage is all

about how women submit to Jesus like the church

and how husbands are to love like Christ. It

gives both genders inspiring patterns and the

example for marriage. But we're also, in light

of this verse, meant to read it, that Jesus is

the spouse who meets our need. He's our Saviour

who loves us, who gives Himself up for us, who

cleanses us, nourishes us, and cherishes us.

Leaning on Jesus, appreciating Him, that's the

key. Because that's so filling for me as a man.

If he pours into me as a man, I have an abundance

to pour out for others. If I know him as a man,

it transforms my identity, it gives me joy, and

brings out the best in me with others. Years

ago, I pastored a uni church in Perth. And we

had a decent amount of young men who, as probably

no surprise, struggled with porn and anger. And

I'd meet up with them and we'd have coffee. And

over a few months, we'd often see with these

young blokes a big change. I didn't do anything

dramatic. I just did two things. I mean, I'd

sit down with them, I'd crack open the Bible,

and I'd show them two things. I'd show them how

toxic sin was. and how beautiful God's grace

is. I'd try and help them appreciate and rely

on, lean on, Jesus' love for them. And it would

bring really powerful change. Again, I'm not

saying I did anything special, that's just biblical

Christianity. And it doesn't just work with porn

or anger, it works with any sin, any toxic behaviour.

But if a man isn't leaning on Jesus, well, that's

when things do go wrong and that's when things

go toxic. You could be a man who's single and

your fear of loneliness could drive that Christian

man to date or marry a non -Christian, which

Jesus tells us that they shouldn't do. You could

be married and that fear of rejection or criticism

could make you insecure and indecisive. You could

become a doormat. You could be a man who experiences

a lot of pressure and exhaustion because life

is hard and you're overwhelmed and you look for

comfort in ungodly things. What does each of

those men need to do? They need to lean on Jesus.

They need to receive His love. And that's why

it's so important for men to depend on Jesus

in prayer. Here's what Paul says he wants men

everywhere to do. What does Paul want you to

do today? He says this, I desire that in every

place that men should pray. Lifting holy hands,

because that's how they used to pray in the ancient

world is they put their hands up like that. Lifting

holy hands without anger or quarreling. See,

as Mark said earlier, men tend to be doers, aren't

they? We tend to be more task -oriented than

women. And if there's a problem, men use the

strength in their hands to fix it. Our strength,

though, can become really toxic when things aren't

working. Okay, I've got the strength in my hands,

I want to fix this thing, it's not working, and

that strength becomes real bad all of a sudden,

doesn't it? I've golfed with men who hit a bad

shot and angrily throw the club further than

the ball. It's the strength in their hands, but

it goes wrong, doesn't it? I think back to Australia

Day and Perth many years ago, we went down to

the Perth foreshore or wherever it was, and there

was this plane that was doing tricks, stunt tricks

in the sky. and it was horrible. The plane had

a massive crash and someone in the plane actually

died. So it meant all the Australia Day fireworks

and everything was cancelled. And so just crowds

of people all at once are heading home after

a lot of them had had way too much to drink.

And we were walking to our car, my family and

another mate's family, and we saw two fights.

Two full -on fistfights with groups of young

men break out. Because when things go wrong,

what do men do? We use our fists, we use our

strength, don't we? We use our hands. It's our

greatest strength, but it can also be our greatest

weakness. But men who see what we have in the

gospel, who depend on God in prayer, who lift

up holy hands to God, They're different. That's

the key to being a Christ -like man. You know,

if I could see one change in our lives from today,

and again, I put myself in this. I struggle with

it too. It wouldn't be, if there's one change,

it wouldn't be that we become clearer or more

decisive men. That would be great. I think they'd

be really good. But that's not the big one I'd

hope for. It wouldn't be that we become kinder

or wiser men. Again, I think that's awesome,

but that's not the big one I'd want to go for.

It would be that we become men who know deeply,

deeply, the love of Jesus for us, and who lean

on Him in prayer. Because if we do that, It changes

so many other things, doesn't it? It changes

those other things. It helps us lead better.

It helps us love better. It helps us be godly.

It helps us do so many things well if we are

leaning on Jesus. So I don't know how you're

going with that. But make a plan for how you

can receive that love and enjoy it more and more.

Make a plan for how you can pour out your heart

to God in prayer. Again, I get it. It's a struggle,

but it's worth doing. Make a plan. Well, I started

by talking about my friend whose marriage was

struggling and how I wished I had a better grasp

of Ephesians 5 and of the whole Bible. And if

I would have, I would have told him this. The

best thing a man can do is become a Christ -like

leader. A leader of himself, a leader of his

wife, a leader of his family. Men need to lead.

Men need to love. And most importantly, men need

to lean on Jesus. And like I said, there's no

guarantees that that would have fixed his marriage.

But he would have been doing everything on his

side of the street that he could, wouldn't he?

It's the best thing he could have done. It's

the best thing that could have set him up, whatever

happened. And it's the same for all of us. Whatever

your situation, the best thing you can do, whether

you're single, whether you're in a rocky marriage,

whether you're in a mediocre, boring marriage,

whether you're in a great marriage, whether you're

in... whether you're a dink, you know, a double

income, no kid, whether you're swamped with kids,

whether you're working, whether you're a stay

-at -home dad, whatever you might be doing, whatever

your situation in life is, the best thing you

can do is to be a man like this, especially a

man who leans on Jesus. So will you seek to become

a Christ -like man? a Christ -like leader of

yourself and of your home. Make a plan on how

you can do that, and then pray about it. Let's

pray now. Gracious Heavenly Father, we ask that

you would help us to lead ourselves and our families

well. Help us to be men who love sacrificially,

not just who are nice, not just who are polite

but who love deeply and in a Christ -like way

and most of all we pray that you would help us

to receive your love for us that we would lean

on Jesus and that we'd be prayerful men and we

pray this in his name amen