Christ Church Sermon Real Relationships Fight Right February 8 2026

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Thank you for listening.

Today's scripture is James 1:19 to20. My

James 1:19–20

dear brothers and sisters, take note of

this. Everyone should be quick to

listen, slow to speak, and slow to

become angry. Because human anger does

not produce the righteousness that God

desires. Romans 12:18. If it is

Romans 12:18

possible, as far as it depends on you,

live at peace with everyone. Hear what

the spirit is saying to the church.

Thanks be to God.

>> Well, good morning everyone.

>> Before I jump into the sermon, I just

want to share a quick staffing update.

Uh Jen Bartrug and Chrissy W will both

be stepping out of their staff roles at

Christ Church as they move towards

future endeavors and opportunities that

have been presented to them. And while

their roles on staff are changing,

they're still a uh valued part of our

congregation. And we're grateful for the

ways that Chrissy and Jen have helped

support the ministry here at Christ

Church and strengthened our community

and blessed so many different people.

And we celebrate that contribution. And

I want to encourage you when you see

them uh to just thank them for all that

they have done. Continue to pray for

them and wish them well as they take the

next step in their journey. Um and we

will keep you up to date on what we're

going to do to follow that up. So, uh,

this week we're continuing in our series

called Real Relationships. And last week

we talked about a love that lasts. Not a

love that looks good on Instagram. Not a

love that works only when life is easy,

but a love that holds together when

things get complicated, when energy runs

low, when disappointment begins to creep

in. you know, when the relationship goes

from the highlight reel phase to the

real life phase. And I said, most people

are probably actually not looking for

perfect relationships, although they

think they might be, they're actually

looking for lasting ones. And if if

we're going to be truthful about what it

takes to have a lasting relationship, we

got to be honest about what it takes to

have lasting love. If love is going to

last, we have to be aware that conflict

is going to happen. Conflict is not a

failure of love. Conflict is a reality

of real relationships. Which is why

we're calling this series real

relationships because relationships,

real relationships, they don't that

doesn't avoid tension or disagreement or

hurt. It faces it head on. So today,

we're jumping off where we ended last

week. So if love that last asked the

question, what kind of love do we want

to practice? Then today's question is

what does that love look like when we

disagree? Or more plainly, how do we

fight right?

Because many of us grew up with this

quiet assumption that we may have never

said out loud, but we deeply believed.

And that assumption is this. If our

relationship is healthy, we won't fight.

Now, that assumption sounds spiritual.

It sounds mature. It sounds peaceful.

I'm here to tell you that it is

incredibly destructive. And here is why.

Because the moment conflict shows up, if

we believe that, the moment something

goes wrong, we panic. We avoid. We shut

down or we explode. And here's the

truth. Healthy relationships don't avoid

conflict. They learn how to handle

conflict well. Whether it's marriage or

parenting or friendships or work or

church, any relationship that matters is

going to eventually bump into things

like disagreement and misunderstanding

and frustration and unmet expectations.

Some relationships don't fall apart

because people fought too much. They

fall apart because people simply fought

wrong or simply avoided conflict until

resentment quietly took over. A love

that lasts does not mean no fighting. It

means learning how to fight in a way

that doesn't destroy our relationship.

And that's exactly where these

scriptures meet us today. James is

writing to everyday Christians who are

trying to live faithfully under pressure

that's all around them. They are people

that are trying to juggle life like we

juggle life today. They're dealing with

financial stress and family tension and

community conflict and unmet

expectations and voices competing for

their attention and their loyalty. And

James knows that faith doesn't grow in

quiet moments. It gets tested when

emotions run hot and words come fast.

Now Paul on the other hand, he is

writing to a divided church, a community

that's learning how to live out the

gospel in real messy relationships.

They don't see eye to eye on everything.

They don't share the same background.

They're trying to figure out how to be

one body without uniformity. And Paul

knows that belief alone is not enough.

Paul reminds us that the gospel must

continue to be lived out, especially

when people clash, but both of them have

the same core truth. Conflict does not

reveal whether you have faith. Conflict

reveals who or what is leading you in

that moment. So when tensions rise, is

fear leading us? Is our pride leading

us? Our old wounds leading us? Is our

need to be right leading us or is the

spirit of Christ leading us? I mean,

that is the real spiritual question

inside every single argument. Now, James

gives us the behaviors we should use.

James says, "Slow down, listen first,

restrain anger, and choose wisdom over

reaction." So, those are behaviors we

should have. Paul gives us the

boundaries we should have. He says we

should pursue peace. We should take

responsibility for our part and we

should release what we cannot control.

And together they show us as followers

of Jesus, we don't fight to win. We

fight in order to love well. They show

us what real relationships look like in

real time. Not avoiding tension. Not

pretending like everything is okay, but

choosing Christshaped faithfulness when

relationships are under strain.

Because in real relationships, conflict

is inevitable. But being led by Christ

in the middle of that conflict is a

choice that we can make again and again.

So we are told to listen. Why is that?

Well, because listening deescalates

conflict. James starts here because

listening changes everything. before he

talks about anger, before he talks about

the words that we use, before he talks

about our behavior, he talks about

listening.

Because most conflicts escalate not

simply because people disagree. They

escalate because people simply don't

feel heard. I mean, think about it. How

often is the argument underneath the

argument saying something like this?

You're not listening to me. That's not

what I mean. You're missing what I'm

trying to say. Now, we don't say those

things out loud, but that's what we

feel. Now, don't miss this point because

when conflict shows up, most of us are

not listening to understand. You know

why we're listening? We're listening so

we know how we're going to respond.

We're listening so we can reload our

argument. We're listening so we can spot

the flaw in their argument. We're

listening so we're ready for a comeback.

We're listening to defend our position.

Our body might be looking at that person

when emotions are high, but our mind is

already three sentences ahead. And

listening can feel passive, but in

reality, listening is the most powerful

tool or move we can have in a fight.

Why? Because when someone feels heard,

the temperature drops, defensiveness

softens, walls come down, the

relationship stops feeling like a

courtroom, and it actually starts

feeling like a conversation. And that

matters deeply because listening is not

just a communication skill. Listening is

an act of love. Listening says that your

experience matters.

It says, "I might not understand it yet,

but I'm willing to try to understand and

that you matter more than me winning the

argument." That's the kind of love that

lasts. Now, let's be honest about the

context we live in. How many conflicts

happen in your life because everyone

involved is exhausted? Schedules are

packed. Kids are melting down. Work has

drained our patience. And then you add

to that late nights, long days, half

listening while we're staring at our

phone, and hard conversations that we

reduce to text messages. And suddenly

conflict escalates, and we can't

understand why, right? Well, James isn't

giving us a spiritual cliche. He's

giving us a holy interruption. He's

saying, "Slow the moment down. Take a

breath. Put the phone down. Stop

planning your response and listen. I

want to get that line to every leader in

our country right now.

Take a breath. Put the phone down. Stop

planning your response and listen.

Because listening is where fighting

right begins. And when we choose to

listen first, we're not just

deescalating conflict. We're practicing

the kind of Christ-shaped love that

keeps relationships growing over time.

Now, we're also told to be slow to

speak. Why? Because words, man, they

determine the direction of the fight.

So, when James says, "Be slow to speak,"

he's not calling for silence. He's

actually calling for wisdom.

Because once the conflict begins, words

steer the direction of where it's going

to go. And it's either going to move

towards understanding or it's going to

move towards damage. And too often when

words are spoken too quickly, we tend to

exaggerate or accuse or assign motives

or reopen old wounds. And once we've

said it, we can't take it back. How many

of you have experienced that moment

where something comes out of your mouth

and all of a sudden the room changes?

The tone shifts, defenses rise, trust

gets pulled back. You know why? Because

we've all learned how to fight with

words long before we've learned how to

fight with love. We learn sarcasm that

cuts, tone that communicates contempt,

volume that overwhelms, and silence that

punishes.

And sometimes we just excuse it by

saying,"Well, I'm just being honest."

Well, James goes a little bit of a

different direction. He reminds us that

righteousness doesn't come from saying

everything that we feel. It comes from

speaking in a way that reflects Christ.

Now, Jesus never avoided truth, but he

also never weaponized it either. Being

slow to speak doesn't mean avoiding hard

conversations. It means choosing our

words wisely when we're in them. It

means pausing long enough for us to say,

"Is what I'm going to say true, or am I

just reacting? Is what I'm going to say

loving, or am I just trying to win? Is

what I'm going to say being said at the

right time, or am I just unloading

emotion?" Because not every true

statement needs to be said immediately,

and not every feeling deserves a

microphone. Fighting right understands

that words can either build a bridge or

could burn a bridge. And when we are

slow to speak, we give the spirit time

to lead. And when the spirit leads our

words, the fight doesn't disappear, but

it starts moving towards something

better than victory. It starts moving

towards faithfulness. And then James

tells us we should be slow to become

angry.

Why is that? Well, because angry anger

is a poor leader. When James says slow

to be angry, James is not saying that

anger is always sinful. He is saying

that anger is dangerous when anger is in

control. You see, anger is a powerful

emotion. It signals that something

matters. Jesus was angry when he flipped

the tables in the temple. It often

points to hurt or fear or injustices or

unmet expectations. But anger is never

meant to be the leader. Because when

anger is the lead, our vision narrows,

our tone sharpens, people become

opponents instead of partners, and

winning becomes more important than

understanding.

Anger convinces us that hurting someone

back is actually justice, that

escalation is strength, that raising our

voice will finally make us heard. And

that is when damage happens. You see,

most relationships, they don't get hurt

because people feel angry. It happens

because anger is driving the

conversation. That's why James tells us

to slow down. He's not saying suppress

it. He's not saying deny it. He's simply

saying don't let it take over. In real

relationships, especially the ones we

care about the most, anger left uncheck

leaves scars long after the issue has

resolved.

Sometimes the most faithful thing we can

do in a conflict is not to say more.

It's to simply pause,

walk away before words spill out,

breathe when our body is on edge, pray

when our emotions are high, and then

come back when our heart is steadier and

anger isn't leading. That does not mean

we avoid the issue. It means we address

it in a way that can actually lead to

healing instead of harm. A love that

lasts knows that anger may show up and

show us that something matters, but only

Christ can show us how to respond. And

when we choose to slow our anger, we

make space again for the spirit to lead.

And it turns that conflict from a

battleground into an opportunity for

growth and grace and deeper connection.

And then we move on to Paul. And Paul

says, "As far as it depends on you."

What's that mean? As far as it depends

on you, it means we need to know our

responsibility.

Romans 12:18 speaks directly to real

Romans 12:18

relationships. If it is possible, as far

as it depends on you, live at peace with

everyone. Now, he does not pretend here

that peace is achievable. He doesn't

promise reconciliation in every

situation. He doesn't place the full

weight of re relational outcomes on our

shoulders. He simply says we need to do

our part. That phrase, as far as it

depends on you, draws a very clear line.

Here's what we're not responsible for.

We are not responsible for someone

else's reaction. We are not responsible

for someone else's emotional maturity or

lack thereof. We are not responsible for

someone else's readiness to change. We

are not responsible for someone else's

willingness to reconcile. We cannot

control another person's heart. We

cannot force healing. We cannot make

someone meet us where we are. Here's

what we are responsible for. No matter

what our behavior,

we are responsible for showing up with

humility, for speaking truth without

cruelty, for listening without

defensiveness, for resisting escalation,

for choosing integrity over retaliation.

That is where James and Paul come

together so powerfully. James tells us

how to show up in conflict. Quick to

listen, slow to speak, slow to become

angry. Paul tells us where our

responsibility ends. And that matters

because some of us are carrying guilt

that was never ours to carry. We've

reached out. We've apologized. We have

owned our part. We have tried to repair

what is broken. And still the

relationship doesn't heal. And Romans

Romans 12:18

12:18 releases us from carrying that and

trying to think that peace is always

mutual. However, James reminds us that

we are supposed to be Christlike to that

person anyway. That is not weakness.

That is faithfulness. Fighting right

does not guarantee peace, but it does

guard our heart. It does keep it from

being hardened or becoming bitter or

consuming and taking on things we can't

control. And in real relationships, that

kind of faithfulness is what allows

love, not resentment, to have the final

word. Now, the bottom line in all of

this is Jesus is the model for how to

fight right. If we really want to know

what fighting right looks like, we

shouldn't look at to self-help

strategies or communication hacks, we

should look to Jesus.

Jesus never avoided hard conversations.

He wasn't afraid to ask uncomfortable

questions. He named truth clearly. He

confronted hypocrisy and injustice and

sin. But he never surrendered love in

the process. And that is the part that

we miss. Jesus listened deeply,

especially to people that other people

ignored. He heard what was said and he

heard what was underneath what was said.

He spoke truthfully without cruelty. He

didn't soften the truth to keep the

peace, but he also did not use truth as

a weapon. Jesus confronted sin without

shaming the person who was sinning. He

invited people into transformation

without stripping them of their dignity.

And when Jesus was misunderstood and

rejected and wounded, man, he absorbed

that pain instead of passing that pain

along to others. At the cross, Jesus

shows us the clearest picture of what it

looks like to live life under pressure.

He didn't win by overpowering. He didn't

dominate his enemies. He didn't escalate

the conflict. He won by self-giving

love. And that is the pattern that James

is shaping in us. That is the boundary

that Paul is naming for us. It's not

conflict avoidance. It's not emotional

suppression. It is Christshaped

faithfulness when relationships are

strange are strained. So I want to bring

this home to real life to where we are

right now. Fighting right does not mean

pretending that everything is fine. It

does not mean avoiding conflict at all

costs. It does not mean suppressing our

emotions until they just explode. It

means choosing faithfulness over force.

Because here is the hard truth. You can

be right and still be wrong.

You can win the argument, but you can

lose the relationship. A love that last

understands what's at stake. So this

week, the invitation is simple, but it's

not easy. We got to be willing to

connect by listening first, staying

present, being curious instead of

defensive. We need to continue to grow

by inviting the spirit into the moment

by letting God slow our words and soften

our reactions.

And then we need to continue to give by

releasing control of the outcome and

then doing our part and putting the rest

in God's hands. Because healthy

relationships are not built by winning

arguments. They're built by people who

are willing to fight right and live at

peace as far as it depends on them. That

is what real relationships look like.

And that is the kind of love that Christ

is still forming in us every single day.

Let's pray. Lord, we are so grateful

that you have taught us how to fight

right.

We are grateful that

you let us know that conflict is normal.

It will happen. That is not a failure.

And you give us the tools to handle that

conflict the way you want us to handle

that conflict. Help us in all that we do

to be quick to listen and slow to speak

and slow to become angry and at the same

time not taking on things that are

beyond our control, but doing our part

as far as it depends on us and turning

the rest over to you. Because then and

only then will we be able to have a love

that lasts and grow real relationships

with the people in our life. Thank you

for helping us become what only you can

help us become.

Amen.