Rick Warren - How to Connect with People—Part Three

This is Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the broadcast ministry of

Pastor Rick Warren. Today we continue in the series Essentials

for Living. In these lessons, Pastor Rick shares the power

you need to live on, the principles you need to

live by, and the purpose you need to live for

so that you're truly living and not just existing. First,

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eight hundred six hundred five thousand and four while you

listen to today's broadcast. Right now, here's Pastor Rick Warren with

the final part of a message called how to Connect

with People Now.

The Bible says the proverbs twenty five five and six.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love, and wounds from

a friend can be trusted. In other words, if you

really care about the relationship, Sometimes there is only one

alternative confront force the issue, Force the argument. Sometimes that's

the only alternative in a relationship that's going south. You

have to force the issue and you have to confront

in love and be willing to put up with the pain.

So let's get real personal right now. Some of you

are scared to death.

What I'm going to say? Who do you need to

get honest with?

What problem in your relationship are you pretending isn't a problem?

What problem? I don't see any problem. It's sitting there

right in the living room, Ember, I can see it.

But what problem? I don't see it?

And you keep skirting around the issue and not dealing

with it, not confronting it, and just living in pseudo intimacy.

Which of those issues do you need to be candid about?

You See, there's another word for keeping the peace. It's

called codependency. And that is not a good thing, and

that is not what God created you for. Sometimes you

must care enough to confront. Tom's going to talk about

the next one.

There were three pastors that got together and decided to

work on this honesty thing. They sat down in a

small group and said, let's just be honest. Let's just

be honest with each other about what our greatest struggle,

our greatest sin is The first guy launched things out,

I honestly said, you know, I struggle with lust. I

always have, and I honestly have had some very very

evil thoughts lately. The next guy said, well, since you

were on, I struggle with materialism, and I honestly i'm

in debt up to hear. The third guy looked at

him and said, well, I struggle with gossip, and I

honestly can't wait to get to a telephone if relationships

are going to work. Number five, we have to be

confidential with information. Why because Proverbs eleven thirteen reminds us

that a gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man

a trustworthy woman keeps a secret, or either kind of

person who can keep people's confidences so that they can

trust you. We tend to think of gossip as one

of those little sins, you know what I'm talking about,

the misdemeanor sins. They're sort of down here on the list.

But when God talks about gossip, he puts it on

the list up with things like sexual immorality and murder.

Why because it is so destructive to relationships. Gossip can

tear a friendship apart a family, a part of church family.

More churches have been destroyed by gossip than persecution, More

friendships have been destroyed by gossip than any other kind

of disloyalty. It's incredibly destructive to relationships when you trust

someone and then find out you couldn't trust them. What's

so destructive about it? My favorite story about gossip has

always been the man who went to the rabbi and

confess the sin of gossip and ask him what penance

can I do for this sin? And the Rabbi said,

here's what you do. You take this feather pillow and

walk up on this mountain, rip it open, and just

let the feathers fly everywhere. Man did that and came

back and said, is that it? And no, said the Rabbi.

Now I want you to go pick up every feather.

That's what gossip does. It just goes everywhere. You don't

know the impact that it's having, but it's tearing relationships apart.

It's tearing you apart in ways that you don't realize. Now,

what is gossip? When we talk about what is gossip,

let me give you a definition. Gossip is talking about

a situation with somebody it is neither a part of

the solution or a part of the problem, neither one.

If they're not a part of the problem.

If they're not a part of the solution, and you're

talking with them about it, that is gossip. And if

we're honest with ourselves, what we're doing is we're making

ourselves feel a little bit more important at somebody else's expense.

We're talking about their hurts and their problems to make

us feel like we're a little bit morally superior to them.

That's the danger in the hurt of gossip. Gossip is

such a dangerous thing that the one of the values

that we have in our small groups at Saddleback is

that we keep confidences.

That small group, whether or our recovery group or.

Any other kind of group, it's a place where you

can come and talk about what you're facing in your life,

and that stays within the group because this is such

an important part of relationships. There's a story in the

Old Testament about a family that struggled with gossip. You

remember Moses from the Old Testament. He had a sister

named Miriam who one day got caught up in gossiping

about Moses amidst the rest of the people, God called

them in as a family, Moses and Miriam and stood

him in front of him and had a little talk.

And he talked with Miriam and told her what she'd

done wrong, and immediately on the spot, he gave her leprosy. Now,

some of you are thinking that sounds terrible, but I'd

like that to happen to the person who gossiped against me.

Not leprosy, but really bad stomach flew something where they

really knew how much this hurt.

You know what God did next?

God invited Moses to pray for Miriam's healing, the one

who gossiped against him. Some of you, you've been deeply

hurt by gossip, things that have been said around the office,

or things that have been said in a breaking of

a confidence, even with a Christian friend or in your family.

And what God would say is pray for that person's.

Healing that gossiped against you, so that you can be

released from the hurt that's come into your life. Others

of you, you've been the one gossiping. You've been the

one who has been sharing things about other people. And

this story is in the Old Testament. To remind us

how serious it is and how hurtful it can be

to people. So whatever side of this you are on,

the truth is when you keep confidences, it makes relationships

much more healthy, enables us to keep connecting to one

another in healthy and genuine ways.

Final key to connecting is to be committed. You must

be committed to the relationship because good relationships take time.

They don't happen by accident. They take cultivation, they take work,

and it takes a lot of time to build a

deep connection with somebody, and that requires commitment. I could

not count the number of times that either KRII have

felt like walking out of our marriage.

Particularly in the early years.

I just couldn't count it, because there were so many

times we just thought this is not worth it. We

are just from such different planets and we're so different

this marriage could never possibly work. And we were both

tempted many many times, but we didn't why because we

had made it commitment. You see, we took a vow

one day and it went like this till death do

us part. And I made that vow, not just a kay.

I made that vow to God. And so we said,

we're going to keep this commitment.

If it kills us.

It nearly did many many times nearly did. And I

have to be honest with you, there have been times

in our marriage that the only thing that kept us

together was simply that commitment. It wasn't love, it wasn't interest,

It was simply a commitment we had made to God.

I am so glad that we did not give up.

I am so glad because today my wife is my

best friend. I'd much rather spend time with her than

any of you.

Now.

I can still remember the times that I would have

spent I'm with anybody except her, anybody, but she is

my best friend, and I honestly I cannot imagine my

life without her. And to be fully understood by somebody

and have them fully accept you, and to have that

kind of soul intimacy is such a rare thing in

this world, and the satisfaction that comes from it is Honestly,

I can't describe it to you this morning, but I

will say this, it is not an accident. We worked

hard for our marriage and we still work at it,

and we have been through that tunnel not once or twice,

hundreds of times where you work out the next issue

in your relationship and the next issue in your relationship,

and the next issue in your relationship, and you keep

at it because you love each other and you love God,

and you've.

Made a commitment. And that takes commitment.

And if you want to get beyond shallow, superficial relationships,

you got to be willing to stick with it. Some

of you, your relationship right now, is hanging on by

less than a thread. Some of you are already in

the separation stage, physical separation.

Do not give up. We have a miracle working God.

The same God that raises the dead can raise a

dead relationship if you're willing to be changed.

But it takes a commitment.

You're listening to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope Rip will be

back in just a moment with the rest of today's lesson.

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Do you desire more of God He desires more of you?

Let me ask you this, how's your relationship with God

right now? Maybe you're walking closely with him and do

you feel energized and alive or maybe you feel disconnected,

like you're just going through the motions. Pastor Rick says,

if you want to stay connected and even deepen your

relationship with God, you need to be intentional. That's why

every year Pastor Rick personally goes through a spiritual renewal study,

and now he's made that very same study available to you.

It's called Going Deeper with God, a personal renewal retreat.

In this very special resource, Fastor Rick will personally lead

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complete exercises in the companion world. Through this retreat, you'll

experience a renewal of life within you. God will restore

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Now back to more from God's Word with Pastor Rick Warren.

The Bible says this in Proverbs seventeen seventeen. A friend

loves at all times. Circle that word all that means,

even when it's the inconvenient, even when you don't feel

like it, even when they don't deserve it, even at

personal cost. That's what real friendship is all about. And

when you're blowing it and you're making a mistake, friends

are in your corner when you're cornered, and they see

you through when everybody else thinks you're through, and they

walk in when everybody else walks out, and they are

there with you even when you don't deserve it. And

by the way, genuine friends take sides ifever you get

in an argument with somebody and you've got a friend

who goes, well, now I'm going to stay neutral in this.

I'm not going to take sides. They're no friend. Listen,

friends take sides. Friends are in your corner when you're cornered.

They don't say, well, I'm just going to stay neutral

in this. That's not much of a friend. The Bible

says in Proverbs eighteen twenty four, a man of many

companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend

who sticks closer than a brother.

I was talking about commitment. Now, what does this mean?

A man of many companions may come to ruin. Well,

you know what you're Socializing can keep you from having

deep relationships. You can be so busy networking, so busy contacting,

so busy socializing, so busy making acquaintances that you never

spend the time and the energy and the effort to

cultivate the deep, satisfying intimacy of a good friend or

a good wife or a good husband that comes from

taking the time to do it.

Now, it's not wrong to have a lot.

Of acquaintances, but they can keep you so busy that

you don't develop any vital close relationships. Let me say

it like this, you don't need a lot of friends

to make it in this world. You just need a

few good ones. You don't need a whole lot, So

focus on quality, not quantity. You can have lots of

acquaintances that means nothing. Take it from somebody who knows

I know thousands, if not ten thousands of people. One

good friendship is better than ten thousand acquaintances on any day,

any day of the week, because the acquaintances aren't going

to be there in the crisis. They're not going to

be there when you need them. But the friends will.

And every important close connection begins with a commitment.

So here's my question. Who are you committed to and

who knows it?

Have you ever gone to any single individual besides your

spouse and said, I just want you to know that

I will always be there for you and I mean it.

Have you ever said that to anybody? Have you ever

established that kind of intentional commitment, say I want to

grow close to you as a friend. Let me say this,

particularly to men. Do you have anybody in your life

who holds you accountable? Do you have anybody who has

the freedom to be candid with you?

As I said earlier?

If you don't, I feel sorry for you. He said, Well,

I got a lot of friends. Now I'm not talking

about that. Oh I got a lot of Queen, I'm

not talking about that. Do you have anybody that you

are committed to them and they are committed to you

and you know that, and they know that I'm not

going to be with you and you're going to be

with them. He said, Rick, I'm sorry, I'm just too busy.

I don't have time for that. Then you're too busy.

Let me remind you that the ultimate issue in life

is not accomplishment, but relationships. Not accomplishments, but relationships. When

you get to heaven, God is not going to say

what did you accomplish and go ooh boy, that's pretty impressive. Whoo,

We've got a special place for you if it's the

size of your head. When you get to heaven, god

im gonna say, show me all the things you did

in life. God's gonna say, how did you treat other people?

Because if I have not love, I am a sounding

brass and a tinkling symbol. You may be accomplishing all

kinds of things, but if you're stepping on people while

you're doing it, it doesn't matter.

In fact, it's bad. So here's the bottom line.

You need people in your life who will do these

six things for you. You need people who will be

courageous and considerate and constructive and candid and confidential and committed.

But the only way you're gonna get these kind of

people in your life is you have to be that

kind of person. You can't expect other people to treat

you this way if you don't treat them that way.

You need people in your life who do these six things? Question,

where are you gonna get them?

Pa? The Bowling Alley nearest bar.

You know, the more I understand human behavior, and the

older I get, and the more I understand the deepest

needs of human being, the more I am impressed with

the brilliant concept that God created called the church. And

I am more convinced than ever before that God made

the Church to meet your deepest needs that cannot be

met anywhere else. There is no other place that can

meet the needs that the Church can meet in your life.

Now Here at Saddleback, we have a safe place where

you can develop these kind of relationships.

It's called small groups.

So he said, Rick, when are you gonna stop talking

about small groups when you start going to one? Okay,

the moment you get attached. I'm not saying this to

convince you because I need you to go.

I don't need you to go. You need to go.

And as your.

Pastor, I care about your emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing,

and I happen to know that the only way certain

needs in your life are going to be met is

if you get into close connected community with a few

people who are candid and confidential and committed and consider

it and courageous and constructive.

In your life. And that's called a small group.

You know that if you attach two horses together, they

can pull about nine thousand pounds of weight, But if

you attach four horses together, they can pull not twice

the amount eighteen thousand, they can pull about thirty thousand pounds

of weight. That's called the power of synergy, where that

the whole is greater than the parts. There are some

problems in your life that you are never ever going

to solve on your own. But when you get in

a close relationship with a few other people who can

help you, pray for you, encourage you, the power of

synergy creates. And there are problems that have never been

solved that will be solved simply by getting in relationships.

Probably the best known psychologist in America Christian psychologist Larry Krabb.

He wrote in this book Connecting, which I highly recommend.

He says, when two people really connect, something is poured

out of one and into the other that has the

power to heal the soul of its deepest wounds and

restores it to health. The one who receives experiences the

joy of being healed, and the one who gives knows

the even greater joy of being used to heal. Something

good is in the heart of each of God's children

that is far more powerful than everything bad in the world.

It's there waiting to be released and works its magic.

But you have to be connected now.

At every stage in your life, you're going to need

these kind of relationships. You're going to need a group

of people for different reasons in different ways.

You need to get connected.

Let's bow our heads, Father, thank you that we don't

have to go through life all alone. Thank you for

the thousands of people who've made life affirming connections through

the small groups that saddleback. For those who think they're

too busy, Lord help them to wise up. And thank

you most of all for the connections that we have

through you, Jesus Christ. In your name, we pray.

Amen.

This is Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. We're so happy you've

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Here's Pastor Rick with a letter from one of our listeners.

Today, I want to share a letter from a new listener, Sherman,

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My wife and I now listen to Daily Hope podcast.

We take notes, we pray, we have great conversations about

all the biblical teachings that we get from you, and

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