Rick Warren - What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them—Part One

Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the

Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you

every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships.

In it, Rick Warren shares practical ways to help you

take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even

God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series

you don't want to miss. Okay, and now here's Pastor

Rick with part one of a message called What Destroys

Relationships and what builds Them?

Well, good morning everybody, it's good.

To see you.

If you'll take out your message notes. Now, we were

created for community, We're wired for relationships. We're made to

go through life together. We're formed for a family. The

Bible says this the top verse on your outline Romans

twelve five Rice makes us one body and individuals who

are connected to each other. Would you circle that word connected?

Now you may not realize it, but the people you're

sitting next to you are connected to If you're part

of the family of God, they are connected to you

and you are connected to them.

Here's the problem. It's easy to.

Get disconnected in relationships. Would you agree with that it's

very easy to get disconnected from your children, from your parents,

from your brothers and sisters, your friends, your family, your

husband or wife if you're married. It's easy to get

disconnected from your church, from your small group. And so

today we're going to look at what causes that. Why

do relationships fall apart, Why do relationships go bad? What

destroys relationships? And how do you rebuild them or how

do you build new ones or how do you prevent

relationships from going bad? Now, the Bible tells us that

we're connected, and how do we stay connected? How many

of you are in a small group? Can I see

your hands? Yeah, look at that. That's amazing. Let me

give you a little secret. I want to warn you

you're going to have differences in your small group. The

only people who agree on everything are dead people. So

if you're getting along in perfect harmony in your group,

it means either one you're not being honest or two

you're all dead. You're going to have you figured out

that God likes variety. He could have made us all alike.

He could have made us all with the same opinions,

the same background, the same interest, the same personality, But

he didn't. God loves variety, and one of the purposes

of groups, a small group is to teach us relational skills.

It's the laboratory for learning how to get along with

each other. And the skills that you learn in a

small group can be applied in your work, can be

applied in your family, could be applied in your marriage

if you're married, can be applied in your ministry. It's

the lab for learning how to relate to each other.

You see, Unfortunately, we're not taught how to have healthy relationships.

You never had a class growing up in school, not

a single class on how to have good relationships. And

yet that's the most important thing in life. It's far

more important than anything else. How to have good relationships,

how to have a relationship with God, how to have

a relationship with each other. And I doubt even your

parents taught you how to have good relationships.

They may have not even known themselves, so.

They never sat you down and said, here are the secrets,

the building blocks to good relationships, and here are the

things that destroy them. I've talked to so many people

who've gone through a divorce, so I have no idea

why did it happen? What really caused it to take place.

So today we're going to look at how relationships get destroyed,

what destroys them, and what builds them.

And I'm very, very.

Excited about what Tom and I are going to share

because it has application in so many areas of your life.

You can apply it with your friends, you can apply

it with your family, you can apply.

It with your marriage if you're married.

You can apply it in your work and in your

career in relating to others, and you can apply it

in your small group. And what I'm going to share

with you, what Tom and I are going to share

with you today, will save you tens of thousands of

dollars in counseling. So just make out the tech the

check too, doctor Rick. Okay, now, actually just give it

to the poor.

That'd be better if if you did that.

So we're going to dig into this what builds relationships

and how do you rebuild them and how do you

keep it from happening in the first place. Well, folks,

this is not rocket science. God has said that every

relational problem comes down to one of four negative attitudes.

Every problem you've had in a relationship comes as a

result of one or more of these three or four problems.

They are the enemies of community. Number one selfishness. Selfishness

destroys relationships. Now, this is the number one enemy. It

is the number one cause of conflict, the number one

cause of arguments, the number one cause of divorce. It

is the number one cause of war. When some dictator says, well,

I want what you've got, he starts a war.

And that's how it happens.

James four, verses one and two says this what causes

fights and quarrels. Don't they come from your desires, that

battle within you. You want something, but you don't get it.

Everything starts because of our self centeredness. Now, it's very

easy for selfishness to creep into relationship. You know, when

you start a relationship, you work real hard at being

selfless and being unselfish, like.

In dating and oh here please. You know, you go first, you.

Know, and you're very unselfish at the start of a relationship.

But then as time goes on, selfishness begins to creep in.

Would you agree that we put more energy into building

than into maintaining relationships, Yeah, we do. Some of you

have heard me read this before about the five stages

of a married cold. The first year, baby, Darling, I'm

worried about that sniffle, so all the paramedics to rush

you to the UCLA Hospital for a check up and

a week of rest. And I know you don't like

hospital food, so I'm having gourmet meals brought in for you.

That's the first year. Second year of a marriage, sweetheart.

I don't like the sound of that cough. I have

arranged for doctor Knox to make a house call. Let

me tuck you in bed. Third year of a marriage.

You look like you got a fever. Why don't you

drive yourself over to the medi stop get some medicine.

I'll watch the kids, you know, very magnanimous. Fourth year,

look be sensible. After you fed and bathe the kids

and wash the dishes. You really ought to go to bed.

Fifth year, for Pete's sake. Do you have to cough

so loud? I can't hear the TV. Would you mind

going in the other room while this show is on?

You sound like a barking dog. One guy said. You know,

in the first year of marriage, my wife used to

bring me my slippers and the dog came barking. Now

my dog brings me slippers. You know, we just stopped

making the effort. It's easy to slide into selfishness. I've

always said, if there was more courting and marriage, there'd

be fewer marriages in court that we have to date

your mete.

You know it happens to all of us. A couple

of weeks.

Ago, I got in bed about three seconds before Kay

did as She got in bed three seconds later, she said, did.

You lock all the doors? Now?

In three seconds, I pretended I was asleep. Okay, I'm

laying motionless and I whisper as if I'm in alpha state. No,

it had only been three seconds. She gets out of

bed and she goes and locks all the doors. There's

a word for me, dufous. Okay, it's on. It was selfish,

pure and simple. I wanted her to do it. Now,

we all know that selfishness destroys relations. We know this,

So why don't we change or better yet? Why can't

we change? Why can't we be more unselfish? Well, there's

a couple of reasons. First, it is natural. It is

human nature to be selfish. I don't think about you

most of the time. I think about me, my needs,

my interest, my hurts how do I look? How do

I feel? Who's hurting me? And you don't think about me.

You think about yourself more than anybody else. You think

about yourself all the time. It is natural to be selfish.

When a baby's born, its first words are aye, me,

and then they demand total attention. They don't give anything back.

They are totally selfish creatures. It's human nature. Now, it's

interesting that a lot of people that I say, well,

you know, if there is a God, why is there

evil in the world. I don't have a problem with

that one. It's because we're all selfish. And when I

want what I want and you want what you want,

to cause us conflict, wars, a lot of other stuff.

I want to do what I want to do, and

that hurts people. I don't have a problem with why

there's evil in the world. The real issue is, the

bigger issue is why is there good?

Why is there good in the world.

There's only one reason there's good in the world, because

of God. Without God, there would be no good. Because

by nature, I am not altruistic. By nature, I think

of me first, not you, and so do you and

so as Darwin would have called it, survival of the

fittest is the natural thing of life that we think

of ourselves and protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves. The

only reason people do good in the world is because

of God. It is God that motivates us to do good.

And if there were no God, there would be no good.

He is the only explanation for good in the world

because we're naturally selfish. Now, not only are we naturally selfish,

it is our culture that everything in it feeds our

self centeredness. Do you realize that every advertisement that comes

out caters to your self centeredness? It's quite things like

have it your way, We do it all for you.

It's all about you. I gotta think about what's best

for me, have it your way. And you know the

most recent one is this Sprite commercial. Obey your thirst. Now,

if that isn't a juvenile attitude toward life, a self

centered attitude, Obey your thirst. Think about that that says,

do whatever your urges are. Forget about if it hurts anybody,

forget if about if it bothers anybody.

You're just an animal. So obey your urge, Obey your thirst.

Live for yourself, regardless of what it does to everybody else,

or one that's a little more sophisticated. But it's the

same thing. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Now, think about that.

So it's okay for me to cheat on my wife

as long as I do it in Vegas. It's okay

for me to be immoral and rotten and do anything

I want to do total because it's gonna stay in

sin city. By the way, Las Vegas has really lost wages.

Did you know that? That's what it really stands for. Now?

Self centeredness can't build relationships. It creates destructive things. Let's

read together Proverbs twenty eight twenty five. Selfishness only causes trouble.

It only causes trouble. Now, if selfishness destroys relationships, then

it is selflessness that builds them. Selflessness builds relationships being unselfish.

So what does it selflessness mean?

It means a little bit less of me and a

little bit more of you. Means I think a little

bit less of myself and I just think a little

bit more of you.

That is being selfless. I'm not the.

Center of the universe. I'm thinking about other people. Philippians

two four says this in the Bible, it says look

out for one another's interest, not just your own. That's selflessness.

Selflessness brings out the best in others, you know, it

builds relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in

a relationship, it forces the other person to change because

you're not the same person anymore and they have to

relate to you in a different way. And so selflessness

not only transforms a relationship, it also transforms that person.

I've actually seen it many, many, many many times. I've

seen some of the most unlovable, unlikable people, you know, irascible,

cranky people that nobody wants to be around, and you

start being selfless toward them and giving them what they need,

not what they deserve, and you start being selfless, and

it transforms them into nice people. It transforms them when

you show them selflessness and show them kindness. God's God's

favorite place to teach you selflessness is in one your

family and two your small group. Why because those are

the people who get closest to you up close on

a regular basis. It's very easy to be selfless in

a crowd like right now, nobody's requiring anything for you,

nobody's demanding it. It's very easy for you to be selfless.

It's when you're in relationship with other people that you

have the give and take of learning to get along

with people who are different from you, different personalities and backgroards.

That's where you have to learn to be selfless. Now,

since so many of you, most of you are in

small groups. So I made a list of practical ways

you can practice selflessness in your small group this week.

Number one, by showing up. Okay, now, I mean that

by showing up, you know, I have to admit I

don't always want to go to small group.

I've been in group for years.

But I need it and other people need it, and

so when I show up, well, you know a lot

of times I don't want to go sit on somebody

else's couch. I want to stay at home and lay

on mine, and I don't want to do anything. And

so when I after dinner get up and go to

small group, it is a selfless act. I am putting

the needs of the group over my own personal needs.

And so just showing up honestly is an act of selflessness.

By accepting new people in your group, that's another way

you can do it.

By not being a clique.

You know us for no more you know, and you're

not resentful when somebody says, well, let's bring somebody else in.

That is an act of selflessness. Another way is by

really listening to people in your group. Do you know

that listening is one of the greatest gifts you can

give others because you're giving them your time and that

is your life. It's far more important than your money.

You can always get more money, but you only have

a certain amount of time in life. So when you

give somebody your attention and you give them your ear ear,

you are actually giving them a port part of your life.

And that is selfless.

And when you really listen to people and you're not

thinking what am I going to say next, or you're

you're really listening people and you're not multitasking what do

I have to do after group?

You're paying attention. You are being and practicing selflessness.

When you draw other people out to talk in your

small group and you say, well what do you think?

And you ask questions and you don't dominate the conversation

and you don't do all the talking, and you draw

it out of others, that is practicing selflessness. By offering

people your help and helping your abilities in the group,

that is selflessness.

By being a host, those.

Of you are hosts. You are opening up your home.

You are being selfless, you know. By not hiding the

best snacks, that's that's being selfless. You know, you know,

you don't hold back the good stuff. Now, you know,

confession is good for the soul. And in my group,

we've been meeting for years, we rotate where we meet,

so sometimes we meet at somebody's house. And a couple

weeks ago, you might try this in your group. In

our group, we rotate, and a couple weeks ago, we

were meeting at my house.

Well, in my garage, I have.

This refrigerator where I stock it with soft drinks, and

so anybody, anytime they come over, I say, you know,

just go out the refrigerator, get yourself.

Something to drink.

Now, I knew my small group was coming over, and

I really wanted to hide my stash of Stuart's root beer.

I wanted to hide it behind the Albertson diet cola,

you know, let them drink the cheap stuff. Okay, you

know I paid good money.

For that diet root beer. Okay, but I didn't.

I left it there and I felt noble, and I felt,

you know, a little pride got in there, and I

just thought, see, I did the good thing. Now look

at this next verse. Galatians six seven and eight says this,

The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others

and ignoring God, harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll

have to show for it is life. In his life

is weeds. But the one who plants in response to God,

letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest

a crop of real life and eternal life. And this

is a very important verse because it talks about the

principle of sowing and reaping, and the universe is built

on this. What you sow, you're going to reap. What

you plant, you're going to reap. If you plant criticism,

people are.

Going to be critical of you.

If you plant affirmation, people are going to affirm you.

Whatever you sow in life, you're going to reap back.

If you're jealous, people are going to be jealous of you.

And on and on and on.

So it says here three or four things. First, it says,

respond to God, not to what others do. He said,

if you want to plant good seeds, He says, plant

in response to God?

What does that mean?

When somebody is offensive to me? It is my nature

to be offensive back to them.

So are you?

And he says, no, no, don't respond to that pettiness.

Respond the way God would respond to God. How would

Jesus handle this pettiness. When you do that, you're going

to be unselfish. You're going to be selfless.

He says.

You respond to God, not to the attack that's coming

towards you. And then he says, God rewards selflessness. He says,

you'll get real life and you'll get eternal life.

Thanks so much, Rick, what a great message today. Hey,

if you've been listening to the broadcast for a while,

well you know that Rick is always saying that God

wants your relationships to be more than just fair, average, good,

or even great. He wants your relationships to be awesome,

life giving, filled with joy and purpose. And that's why

he created the Awesome Relationships Bible Study. Through this four

session video based Bible study with workbook, you'll discover the

tools you need to build an awesome marriage and family,

awesome friendships, and most importantly, an Awesome Relationship with God.

This resource is perfect for individual or group study. Be

sure to request Pastor Rick's Awesome Relationships video based Bible study.

When you give a gift to help Daily Hope take

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