Rick Warren - What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them—Part Three

Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the

Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you

every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships.

In it, Rick Warren shares practical ways to help you

take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even

God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series

you don't want to miss. Well, it's time to hear

from Rick with the final part of a message called

what Destroys Relationships and what builds Them?

You know, I couldn't count the number of times out

on the patio after service somebody's come up to me

in the last twenty five years and said, you know,

Pastor Rick, I've never told this to anybody else, what

I'm about to tell you. And when I hear that,

there is something that will inside of me a sense

of hope and enthusiasm and joy because I know that

person is about to have a breakthrough. They are about

to experience freedom for the first time in their life.

They are about to experience a liberation that is unlike

anything else because for their entire life they have carried

this in their life and they've never told anybody, and

they're about to open the door and the Boogeyman's going

to come out, and it's not as big as they

thought he was, and they're about to experience real, legitimate

freedom and new hope and new joy and new power

and the love and the grace and the power of

God can flood into their life. You don't have to

share it with everybody, but you need to tell somebody

you were never meant to go through life with secrets.

In fact, you were as only sick as your secrets.

You're only sick as your secrets. And if you're living

in fear, you're not really living. You want to open

it up and let it go. Pastor Tom is going

to come and explain.

This insecurity destroys relationships. What builds them? We all know

the answer to this.

Love. Love builds relationships. The Bible says in one John

four eighteen. Love has no fear because perfect love expels

all fear. If we're afraid, it shows that His love

has not been perfected in us. How does that work?

How does love.

Expel all fear? Here's what it does. It takes the

focus off of you and it puts the focus on them.

That's how it makes a difference. People ask me a

lot of times, you ever get nervous when you're talking

to a lot of people at saddle back, And the

answer is, of course, it's a lot of people. You

know what makes a difference. Take the focus off me

and focus on you. And if I was standing here

thinking of what you thought of my hairstyle, I should

have something.

To be afraid of.

Right But the minute I start thinking about how much

I love you and how much we want to love

God together, all of a sudden, the fear just goes

out the back door. In any relationship, any place you

feel nervous and insecure, when you focus on the other person,

it has the power to throw fear out of your life.

How do we find that power to focus on other people?

Realize how much God loves you, Realize that He loves

you more than you could ever imagine. The moment you

begin to realize how much God loves you, I don't

have to prove myself anymore. I don't have to spend

my life trying to impress other people because I already

know God loves me.

Do you know how freeing that is?

You know how enjoyable it is to live life that way.

All of a sudden, my identity, my self worth. They're

not caught up in what you might think of me

that day. You might be just having a bad day.

They're caught up in my relationship to Christ. I'm not pressured.

By everybody else's expectations anymore, all of us. So I think,

we think, I want that. I want to live with

that kind of confidence.

Where do you get it? The Bible tells us.

The Bible says in one John four fifteen to seventeen,

all who proclaim that Jesus is the son of.

God have God living in them.

We know how much God loves us, and we put

our trust in him.

God is love. And would you read this last part

with me.

As we live in God, our love grows more and

more perfect, so we will not be afraid. And you

might circle the word grows, This grows. This is a

lifelong process, This is a journey.

This is a little bit every day.

If I try to have this confidence all at once,

I'm gonna have to fake it. That's the only way

you can do it quickly. It's something that grows little

by little every day. If you expect complete confidence tomorrow

you're going to be sorely disappointed. But you can grow

in this. I can grow in this little by little.

Can't defeat insecurity overnight doesn't happen for any of us.

But you can't take the first step right.

Now, and that is beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ

or strengthening your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When you say yes to Jesus Christ, you're.

Saying yes to a kind of love that can throw

fear out the back door of your life.

Now, the fourth enemy of community is resentment. And this

one's the other big one. These four things destroy relationships.

Resentment destroys relationships Job five, verse two. And the Bible

says this, to worry yourself to death with resentment is

a foolish, senseless thing to do. Now, everybody blows it.

We all make mistakes. We all what the Bible calls sin.

I sin, you sin, the Pope sins. Everybody does. We

are all sinners. That means I don't I'm not perfect.

I don't bat a thousand, okay, I don't measure up

to God's standard. I don't even measure up to my

own standards. I disappoint myself a lot of the times. So,

because we're all imperfect, you're gonna hurt other people, and

other people are gonna hurt you in life, intentionally and unintentionally.

So you're gonna be hurt. You're going to be hurt

in life. That's a fact. What's more important is what

do you do with that hurt? What you do with

is more important than the hurt. Are you going to

allow it to make you better? Are you going to

allow it to make you bitter, resentful and carry a grudge? Now,

the Bible tells us, and even history and personal experience

tells us that opposites attract, opposites attract, and then when

they get married, opposites attack. What fascinates you now irritates you.

This happens all the time. You see when you are

single and you look out there and you see somebody

that's not like you, that is fascinating, you know, like

a person who's kind of quiet, says, look at that person,

how boisterous, how loud, how life and vivacious they are,

and you find it attractive because it's not like you.

And so then you know, you get in a relationship

or you get married, and then after about a year,

you go on, do you have to be allowed all

the time? And it starts getting on your nerves, it

starts irritating you. And as I said, you attract and

then you attack. I mean, if you have been married

at any point in your life, how many of you

had unrealistic expectations in your marriage? Gonna see your hands? Yeah,

the rest of your liars. Okay, it's true. It's a

setup for resentment. Now, Often it's not the big things

in life that make us resentful. Those can, obviously and do.

But it's also a lot of little things that just

pile up, and you just start piling them up, and

a lot of little things can break the camel's back,

and so we get irritated, and those irritations, when we

hold on to them, turn into resentment. Now again, since

we're all in small groups, I wrote some common irritations

in life to be looking out for in small groups.

First is the person who's always late and then they

take ten minutes to explain why they were late in

the middle of the group. The person who talks too long.

They love to hear themselves talk, the TMI, the too

much information person, especially about a surgery of a relative.

You know it's an organ recital, and the guy who

has to check the score of the game during the group.

The person who's dogmatic and says this is the way

it is. Well, I guess the discussion just ended. The

person who is insensitive and joking. The person who turns

every statement into a wise crack. He thinks he's a

stand up comedian and that the group is comedy club.

The guy who forgets the guacamole. You know, in every

group there is somebody who's just a little bit off.

You know, they don't catch all of the social signals.

They're heavenly sandpaper, you know. I call them the egrs,

the extra grace required. Right now, you're thinking of that

person in that group right now. In fact, if you

can't think of it, guess what you're it. Okay. So,

so if you don't know who it is in your group,

it's you friend, because it's really obvious to everybody else. Okay, Now,

what do you do with these little irritations in a

small group, Well, you do two or three things. First,

you ask God to fill you with so much love

that their irritation doesn't bug you anymore. Remember, one of

the things that group does is. It's not just to

learn content, it's to learn to get along. It's to

learn relational skills. That's why we believe everybody needs to

be in a small group. You don't learn it on

your own. You don't learn it sitting here in a

big crowd. It's you learn relational skills. So ask God

to fill you with love so that person doesn't bug you. Second,

you can go to that person and talk to the

offender personally, you know, in love. You know, you say,

you know it just may be me, but I've noticed

your jerk. No, just just kidding, just kidding, No, you know,

I say, you know, I you know it may be me.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little extra sensitve, but this

kind of bugs me. And can we talk about it?

You know, you talk too much or you know whatever.

But what you don't do is say nothing. What you

don't do is sweep it under the carpet, hide it,

go home and complain about it to everybody else. Talk

to everybody else in the group about it, but not

that person. No, you don't do that because it quickly

turns into resentment, and resentment is always wrong. Now, let

me clarify something. Anger is not always wrong. Resentment is

always wrong. There is a right kind of anger and

a wrong kind of anger. When I see injustice in

the world, I'd better get angry. Sometimes anger is a

result of love. If you hurt my kids, I'd get angry.

That's a legitimate anger. In fact, the Bible says be

angry and sin not In other words, there's a way

to get angry and not sin, And there's a way

to get angry and sin. But resentment is always wrong.

It's when you pile up anger in your heart. It's

frozen anger. Now why does God say don't do this?

Two reasons. First, when you get resentful, you stop thinking clearly.

You don't Your logic goes out the door. Your logic

gets distorted, your perspective gets clouded, your vision gets all

mixed up, and you don't think rationally. When your emotions

are involved and you're resentful and the adrenaline's running, you

just don't think straight. Not only do not think straight,

you start acting in self defeating ways. The most foolish

things that have ever been done in history have been

done in revenge, or in retaliation, or in resentment. And

when you get resentful, you tend to do a couple

of things. First, resentment doesn't work. It never hurts the

other person. It only hurts you. It's like, you know,

shooting yourself with a gun to hit them with the

kick of the recoil. You know, it doesn't work. You See,

when you're resentful, you're stewing on the inside. You're all upset.

They're oblivious to it. I mean, they're all on their happy,

merry way. Your stomach's tied in a knot, and they're

happy as a clam. They don't even they're not even

aware of it. You're not hurting them with resentment. You're

hurting yourself far more than you're hurting them when you're not.

When you're resentful, two things happen. You don't think logical

and you do self defeating behavior. Notice what the Bible says,

Psalm seventy three. Since my heart was embittered that means resentful,

and my soul was deeply wounded. I was stupid and

I could not understand. In other words, I didn't think straight,

and I started doing self defeating behavior. God says, I

don't want you to do that, Okay, I don't want

you to do that. Now one of the purposes listen

to this real important. One of the purposes of a

small group is to help you think straight when you've

been hurt, because when you get hurt, you need other

people around you who can think unemotionally and more rationally.

And you come to group and go, you know what,

I had this thing today and it was just so

I wanted to wring that guy's neck. And they're going, now,

did you really want a lawsuit? And have you thought

about this? You need other people. You're gonna be hurt

in life, and when you start to get bitter and

you don't think straight, you need people who are not

bitter around you to help you think it through and

keep it from doing dumb things. Does that make sense? Now,

that's what the Bible says. Look at the next verse,

look after each other. Okay, I mean's watch out for

each other. Watch out that no bitterness that's resentment takes

root among you that's in your group, for as it

springs up, it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their

spiritual lives. So when somebody's hurting in a group, you

gather around them and you help them and you keep

them from getting bitter against it. See, this is how

we grow. And by the way, when you see a

personality clash in your small group, you don't sweep it

under the carpet. You don't pretend like it doesn't exist.

You don't ignore the big pink elephant in the middle

of the room and keep quiet about it. No, you

deal with it quickly. This is how we grow. We

learn to be honest in groups. And that's the only

way you grow. You never grow from dishonesty. You only

grow from honesty. And I have discovered that that most

people are about ninety five percent honest. Ninety five percent.

There's that five percent that they're afraid to say to

their good friend. And they know they need to say

it to their friend, and they know it would help

their friend. They're just chicken. They're afraid to say it.

So they're ninety five percent honest. They almost go all

the way, but they don't go that last five percent.

And it's that last five percent of speaking the truth

in love that helps us grow up and helps us

mature and helps us become more like Christ. You see,

the reality is the people that we want to love

the most, we often end up resenting the most like

parents or somebody else. Those we want to love the most,

we end up resenting the most. So what's the antidote.

The antidote to resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness Forgiveness builds relationships

just like resentment tears it down. And if you're gonna

have a long term, lasting marriage that last your entire life,

you're gonna need massive doses of forgiveness. Massive doses of

forgiveness Colosses three thirteen. Would you read this verse aloud

with me? You must make allowances for each other's faults

and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord

forgave you, so you must forgive others. Now why should

I forgive other people? Well, there are three reasons. First,

resentment doesn't work. It only makes you miserable, So holding

on to a grudge, you're only hurting yourself with your anger.

It doesn't help. So you forgive for your own benefit

because the resentment doesn't work, it just makes you upset. Second,

you have been forgiven by God. And third, you're gonna

need more forgiveness in the future, and so you better

offer it to others. We pray the Lord's prayer forgive

us our debts is our sins, and we forgive those

who have sinned against us. God, I want you to

forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else. Oh

do I really want that? You see? We forgive because

God says you need to forgive for your own sake.

You say, Rick, I can't do it. I just I

cannot forgive that person. That's why you need Jesus Christ.

That's why you need Jesus Christ, because you can't do it.

You're right, you can't do it on your own human

love runs out. You need God's supernatural love in you.

Look at this next verse Titus chapter three. Once our

lives were full of resentment and envy, but then Christ

saved us. Not because we were good enough to be saved,

because we're not, but because of His kindness and love.

That's his grace. By washing away our sins, everything forgiven

is wiped out and giving us the new joy of

the indwelling Holy spirit. God puts his spirit of love

in my life all because of what Jesus our Savior,

did on the cross so he could declare us not

guilty in God's eyes. You need to experience God in

your life. You'll never be able to let it go

until you get God's love in you every day and

every moment. Now, let me explain what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not making excuses. So for that person who

hurts you, they hurt you and it was real. Forgiveness

is not minimizing the hurt it hurt. Forgiveness is not

justifying it say it's no big deal. It was a

big deal. Forgiveness is not saying it wasn't wrong. It

was wrong. So what is forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go

of the pain and letting go of my right to

get even Why would anybody do that for your own sake?

Because you are living in misery. The longer you hold

it on, some of you are still allowing people from

your past to hurt you in the present. And that's dumb.

They cannot hurt you anymore. The past is past, and

every time you hold onto that grudge, you are perpetuating

your own pain. That's stupid. They can't hurt you anymore.

The past is past. They only hurt you if you

refuse to let it go. You hold on to it

as a grudge. In resentment, you are hurting yourself and

God says, you gotta let it go. You gotta let

it go. Forgiveness is the only way to get on

with your life. They don't deserve it. Did they deserve it?

No?

Do you deserve to be forgiven by God?

No?

But God did it anyway out of his grace and kindness.

You see, resentment turns your heart into a desert, and

it dries you up. Mo and you don't have anything

to give to anybody else, your boyfriend, your husband, your girlfriend, you,

your wife, your parents, your kids. You don't have anything

to give because you are so stuck in the past.

You can't get on with the future. And it turns

you into a desert and you're dried up. But God

brought you here this morning because He's got some good

news for you. Look at the next verse. Here's what

God says to you. The Lord says, forget what happened before,

and don't think about the past. I'm gonna do something

new in your life, and i will make rivers on

a dry land. I'm going to turn that desert into

an oasis. Now, you may have had some relational disasters

in your life. Welcome to the human race. Everybody has

had some relational disasters, everybody, What are you going to

do with him? God wants to start something totally new

in your life today, and it starts with opening up

your life to Jesus Christ and letting him fill you

with his love on a moment by moment basis. Let's

bow our heads as we close. Let me ask you

four very personal questions. First, who do you need to

be more unselfish with? Who have you been critical or judgmental?

Love?

Have you been unwilling to admit I was wrong? I'm sorry?

Please forgive me. Who do you need to say that to?

I was wrong? I'm sorry, Please forgive me. Have you

been afraid of being real with other people? And you've

held your cards closed and you've denied your emotions and

you've hidden your emotional nakedness. Is there anybody in your

life that you have shared that secret with? You're only

as sick as your secrets. Who do you need to forgive?

You know all four of the antidotes to resentment and insecurity,

and selfishness and pride. All four of the antidotes are

found in a relationship to Jesus Christ. You get that

relationship lined up, all your other ones will fall into place.

You need to allow Jesus Christ to be the lord,

the manager, the boss of your life. Let him fill

you with his love and you'll start to have great

relationships with other people. So pray this prayer in your heart.

Dear Jesus, You've seen every relationship I've ever had, the good,

the bad, and the ugly, and you know how selfishness

and pride and insecurity and resentment messes them up. I

admit that I need your help Jesus in my life

and in my relationships. So as much as I understand,

I ask you, Jesus, to come into my life and

live through me and put your love through me. I

want that fresh start that you offer in your name.

I pray Amen. You know, if you just prayed that

prayer for the very first time, or you just recommitted

your life to Jesus again today, would you let me

know about it. There's something real about sharing your commitment.

So write me Rick at pastorick dot com and say, Rick,

I prayed that prayer of commitment. I gave my life

to Christ. And I'll send you some material that will

help you on your journey with Jesus. And I'll also

pray for you, God bless you. Wow.

What a great message from Rick today. You know, one

of our most popular Bible study resources here at Daily

Hope are the Bible Scripture Cards, and because so many

people ask for them, Pastor Rick has developed a special

set of fifty two cards with versus selected specifically to

help you develop relationships that are life giving and filled

with joy and purpose. These stunning, eye catching cards will

help you memorize the Word of God so you'll have

it when you need it most, something you hear Rick

talking about all the time, So be sure to request

the Relationship Scripture Cards today when you give a gift

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