Rick Warren - Six Keys to Peace in Relationships—Part One

Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the

Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you

every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships.

In it, Rick Warren shaars practical ways to help you

take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even

God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series

you don't want to miss. All right, let's join Rick

now for part one of a message called six Keys

to Peace in Relationships.

Now, there was a pastor this last week who will

remain unnamed to protect the guilty, and he went over

to visit an elderly woman in our church. She had

lost her husband a number of years ago. She's in

her eighties. And he went over to just pay her visit.

And as he sat there in her living room, is

right around lunchtime, and it's kind of how hungry, and

she had a big bowl of peanuts, and as they talked,

he ate one, and of course she can't eat just one,

and he started eating more and more, and when they

finally finished, he realized he'd eaten the entire bowl of peanuts.

He felt a little embarrassed by it, and he said

to this elderly woman, He said, you know, I'm really

sorry I've eaten all your peanuts. And she said, oh,

don't worry. Past She said, I can't show on him.

After I've sucked the chocolate off, he said, you know,

I felt a little foolish. Now. We all do foolish

things from time to time, usually unintentionally, sometimes intentionally. You'd

have a lot fewer problems if you were less foolish

and more wise. Wisdom doesn't get rid of your problems,

but wisdom definitely minimizes your problems. You know how to

respond wisely the situations your problems will be dramatically reduced

in your life. It's all about wisdom, knowing how to

handle things and not be foolish. Now. Nowhere are we

more foolish than in our relationships. We foolishly treat people

in ways that are really counterproductive. In fact, a lot

of times we provoke people to do the very behavior

we don't want. We foolishly think this is how I'm

going to get what I need out of this relationship.

More fulfillment, more intimacy, more joy, more satisfaction, more stability.

I need my relationships to be fulfilling, not draining. But

actually the things you do are often counterproductive. They are foolish,

they are not wise, because if you do what you

naturally feel like doing in a relationship, it's almost always

the wrong thing. Said, wisdom doesn't eliminate problems, but it

definitely does reduce them. Now, the classic passage on wisdom

and relationships is in the Book of James, chapter three,

verses thirteen to eighteen. Let me read it to you.

It's there on your outline, it's here on the screen.

The Bible says this, if you are wise and you

understand God's ways, you'll live a life of steady goodness,

so that only good deeds pour forth. And if you

don't brag about the good you do, then you will

be truly wise. But if you are bitterly jealous and

there's selfish ambition in your heart, don't brag about being wise.

That's the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness

are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly

and unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there

is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder. Now,

let me just stop right there. You got any chaos

in your life, got any disorder in your life, Got

any area of your life that's confused. The Bible says,

wherever you find confusion, wherever you find this harmony, wherever

you find this order, there's ego. There's ego. Whether it's

an office or at home or at school. He says,

wherever you find jealousy and selfish ambition, you'll find disorder

in every kind of evil. Now, wisdom, the kind of

wisdom that comes from heaven, is first of all pure.

It's also peace loving, gentle at all times, willing to

yield to others. It's full of mercy and good deeds.

It shows no partiality, and it's always sincere. Now, those

who are peacemakers he's talking about in relationships. Those who

are peacemakers plant seeds of peace, and they reap a

harvest of goodness. Now, these verses teach us a whole

lot about relationships that you're not going to learn anywhere

else in life. First, the Bible teaches us that wisdom

is a way of relating. It has to do with

what you do, not what you think. A lot of

people think wisdom is intelligence. Wisdom is smart. Wisdom is education.

No no, no no. The world is full of educated fools.

The Bible says that wisdom shows up primarily in your relationships.

You may have all kinds of knowledge and still be

a fool. You may have all kinds of education, so

many degrees they call you doctor Fahrenheit, but you to

still be foolish. You can have all kinds of brilliance

and be technically smart, but wisdom shows up in relationships.

So why you can take a brilliant scientist whose family

life is a mess. He may be smart, but he's

not wise. Wisdom always has to do with relationships, and

it shows up in how you treat other people. In

other words, it's about your life, not your lips. It's

about what you do, not what you say. Say. It's

not about your diploma, it's about your disposition. And in

verse fourteen to sixteen, it says, you know the way

we typically relate to people, He said, those ways are foolish.

When we get bitter, when we get angry, when we

get resentful, when we get jealous, when we get selfish

and ambitious in relationships, he does, all those are foolish

ways that don't get you what you want and what

you need out of the relationship. In verse eighteen, it

says those who plant, those who are peacemakers, plant seeds

of peace and reap a harvest of goodness. Every day

in every relationship, you are planting seeds. Let's say it again,

every day, in every relationship, you are planting seeds, and

you're going to reap what you sew. Now you're planting

either seeds of trust or distrust. You're planting seeds of

anger or peace, planting seeds of love or harmony. You're

planting seeds in every relationship in your life, every single day.

The question is what kinds of seeds? How do I

plant seeds of peace? And the answer is, I got

to be wise. I've got to be wise. I've got

to do it the wise way. Now what we're gonna

do today is we're gonna look at this passage because

it teaches us the six things that wise people never

do in relationships. And I've done every one of them,

and so have you. And they are foolish approaches to

your relationships. Your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband, your wife,

your friends, your boss, your employees, the neighbors. These are

six things that wise people never do, and in verse seventeen,

James gives us a checklist. These are the foundations of

healthy relationships. Now in the Future series eight weeks, we're

going to look at the crazy makers in your life.

How to diffuse, deflect, and defend yourself against the crazy makers.

But in any relationship, half the problem is you. It's

how you respond. And when you respond incorrectly to the

crazy makers in your life, you actually make it worse.

So let's get right into it. Foundations of healthy relationship.

Six things wise people will never do in relationships. Number one. First,

the Bible says that wisdom, if I want to be wise,

wisdom that comes from Heaven, is first of all pure.

Now circle that word pure. What's he mean by this

word pure? It means uncorrupted, clean, unpolluted, clear, untainted. What's

he talking about. The word we use today is the

word integrity. He's talking about integrity, and he's saying, the

foundation of all good relationship is integrity. Now, why is

integrity listened first? Because wisdom starts in the heart, not

in the head. And the reason integrity is listed first

is this. All relationships are built on trust. No trust,

no relationship and all trust is built on truth. If

you don't have truth, you don't have trust. If you

don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. If a

guy's lying to his wife all the time, he may

have an arrangement, but he doesn't have a relationship. He

may have a commitment, but he doesn't have a relationship.

Because relationships are built on truth, because truth is the

foundation of trust. Honesty is the bedrock of all relationships.

You gotta be honest, you gotta shoot straight with people.

If you're just lying to the people in your life,

you don't have a relationship. You've probably never heard of

Leonard Keeler, but Leonard Keeler is a pretty famous guy.

Doctor Leonard Keeler invented the lie detector, and during his

lifetime he tested over twenty five thousand people on the

light detector. He wrote a book about it. His conclusion,

we all lie well duh, He says, human beings are

fundamentally and by nature dishonest. You light to God, you

light to other people, and you lie to yourself all

the time. In fact, you lie to you more than

anybody else. We have the amazing ability to tell ourselves

things that aren't true and convince ourselves that they are.

You lie to yourself all the time, the Bible says,

the heart is deceitful. That means we have an amazing

ability to con ourselves. We think things are right when

they're not, and we think things are not right when

they are. And so he says, you got to start

with integrity. The Bible says in Ephesians, look up here

on the screen Ephesians four to twenty five. You must

stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we

all belong to each other in the same body. Now

Here is the first mark of wisdom. If you want

your relationships to get better, this summer Number one is this.

If I want to be wise in my relationships, I

won't compromise my integrity. I won't compromise my integrity. I

won't violate my conscience. I won't compromise my convictions. I

won't live a double life. I won't lie to you.

I'll tell you the truth. Because trust is built on truth.

No truth, no trust, no trust, no relationship. Proverbs two,

verse seven says this there on your outline, God grants

a treasure of good sense. And by the way, that's

what you need. In relationships. You need a treasury of

good sense. God grants a treasure of good sense to

the godly. He is their shield protecting those who walk

with into You need a shield in your life against

the crazy makers. There are people who try to mess

up your life all the time. And God says I

will be a shield in your life. You need a

shield against crazy makers. But he says you got to

walk with integrity if you're going to have my shield

in your life. So first, wisdom is pure, and if

I want to be wise in my relationships, I won't

compromise my integrity. Number two, wisdom is peace loving. That's

the second thing that says. In other words, wise people

are peace makers. They're not trouble makers. Wise people don't

carry chip on their shoulder. Wise people are not always

looking for a fight. Do you love a good fight,

then you're not wise. The Bible says wisdom is peace loving.

Fools love to fight. Just go on the internet. There

it's full of them. Just look up any blog. Foolish

people love to fight, they love to argue, they love

to mix it up with people. Some people get into

politics just because they love with a fight. That's not smart,

it's foolish. The Bible says wisdom is peace loving, it's

not always trying to provoke anger. So here's the second thing.

If I want to be wise in my relationships, I

won't antagonize your anger. I won't antagonize your anger. In

other words, I don't push your hot buttons intentionally. I

don't provoke your rage. I don't egg you on. Now,

the fact is, if you've been around anybody for any

length of time, you've pretty soon figure out what irritates them,

and you file that back in the back of your

mind as tool to use when we get in an argument.

It's a weapon of mass destruction. And you know what

pushes their button, and you know what just ticks them off.

And when you get in an argument and they say

something that hurts you, offends you, or slights you in

any way, then you pull out the big gun. You

use the weapon of mass destruction. You push their hot button,

and you go and they go. When you go, works

every works every time. You know what the Bible calls

that stupid, You're not getting any closer to the resolution.

You're not helping the relationship. In fact, you're hurting it.

It is not wise if I'm wise. I don't antagonize

your anger. I don't use weapons of mass destruction that

I know are going to tick you off. I don't

push your buttons, even when I know what your buttons are,

and even when you've already pushed mine. I'm going to

be the wiser person, and I'm not going to push back.

Proverbs twenty verse three says this, any fool can start

an argument. Any fool can start arguments. The wise thing

is to stay out of them. So don't be baited

by internet trolls who you know they'll say something off

the wall and then you get stuck arguing with them online.

You don't even care about these people, he says, don't,

don't get baited, don't don't get baited, and don't antagonize

people's anger. Now, during this series, we're gonna have some

fun because we're gonna laugh at ourselves, because we all

use tools, tricks of the trade, skills and relationships that

are actually counterproductive. They're hurtful, they're harmful, and they don't

get you what you want out of relationship. In fact,

they get you the exact opposite behavior. But when we

lack wisdom, we use them anyway. Now, there are lots

of these, we're gonna look at them in the weeks ahead.

Let me just mention three of them today. Tools that

you should never use because these always antagonize other people's anger.

If you're wise, you're never gonna do these things anymore

with people in relationships. Number one is comparing. You may

write that one down. Comparing. You're gonna antagonize somebody's anger

when you start comparing them to anybody else. It always

makes them mad. Why can't you be like so and so?

Or you're always like so and so, or you're just

like your mother. Oh, that's very helpful. Okay, you can

guess the predictable response to that one. You're just like

your mother, Oh, thank you, Or you're just like your dad.

Second Corinthians ten twelve says anybody who compares is a fool.

It's foolish, it's not wise. Never compare your wife, your husband,

your kids, your yard, your boss, or anybody else, because

everybody's unique. Comparing antagonizes anger, Condemning antagonizes answer. Don't do it.

When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship,

you start trying to make people feel guilty for what

they've done. You start trying to make them feel ashamed.

You should be ashamed. All you're going to do is

get the exact opposite of what you expect. It doesn't work.

It's foolish, ladies. Let me explain something to you. Every

man is fighting his conscience all the time, whether he

realizes it or not. He may not even realize it,

but every man is constantly fighting his conscience. When you

decide to be a man's conscience, guess who he gets

angry at. He takes all that anger he's fighting against

himself and his own conscience and his own ethics, and

he just turns it on you. Is that what you want? No, no,

you don't want that. So that's a foolish thing to do.

Don't try to be somebody else's god. Don't try to

be somebody else's conscience. You should, you must, you ought,

you need to, you always, you never anytime you use

those words dumb, because all you're gonna do is you're

gonna take that guys who's fighting his own conscience, and

all of a sudden he starts fighting you because you

represent his conscience. It doesn't work. Comparing and condemning and

number three. Contradicting always makes people mad. You ever watch

the spouse correct every detail of a story while the

other person's telling it. It's irritating. Anybody want to give

a testimony, Okay, it's irritating. If I'm wise, I won't

antagonize your anger. If you're wise, you don't sweat the

small stuff. Okay, you just don't sweat it. You don't

sweat the small stuff. You don't get hooked into it.

William James, the famous psychologist, said, wisdom is the art

of knowing what to overlook. And there's some stuff you

just need to overlook, and you not try to make

a big deal that you're not contradicting. Proverbs fourteen twenty

nine says this. A wise man controls his temper. He

knows that anger causes mistakes. Have you ever said or

done anything stupid out of anger? Yes, because when you

get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. When you

get angry, you say and do stupid things that are

actually self defeating. Did you know there's only one letter

difference between anger and danger. When you get angry, you

are in dangerous territory. You are about to hurt yourself

with your own anger. The Bible says, wise man controls

his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes. So if

I'm wise, I don't compromise my integrity, and I don't

antagonize your anger. Number three, the third thing the Bible says,

wisdom is gentle all the time. It's gentle all the time.

It is courteous. The Bible says. In the Living Bible

NIV translates it considerate. If I'm wise, I'm always to

be considerate. Look up here on the screen. The Philippians

four or five says this in the Bible. Let everyone

see that you are considerate in most of everything you do. Oh,

I didn't say that. It says, let everybody see that

you are considerate in what all you do. I don't

like that word. I looked it up in the original Greek.

It means all, wait a minute. You mean I have

to be considered when people are inconsiderate to me. Yes,

I have to be considered to clerks who are jerks. Yes,

when people are rude to me. I don't get to

be rude back. No, not if I'm smart. If I'm foolish,

I can get back. But if I want to be

wise if I want to have wisdom, I am always, always,

always considerate. I am not allowed to call you names.

I am not allowed to be rude to you. I'm

not allowed to slur you back. I'm not allowed to

get even because that puts me on the same level

as you. I am always to be considerate. Now this

is so important. Wise people are considerate even when people

are blasting away at them. Why because being considerate is

the antidote to the two most common mistakes foolish mistakes

that you make in relationships. The two most common mistakes

that you make in relationships, and the first mistake you

make is we react to what people say and ignore

how people feel. We pay too much attention to their

words and not enough attention to their emotions. The words

don't really matter. People say stuff when they're angry. They

don't even mean They use words they don't even intend

to use. They exaggerate things. But you need to look

behind the words and look at the emotion, because that's

what it is. People don't always say what they mean,

but they always feel what they feel. And so if

you are wise in a relationship, you stop focusing on

what your kids or your boyfriend or your husband or

your wife or your boss says that just picks you off,

and you start looking behind and go, what's the emotion

they're feeling there? And why are they feeling that emotion?

That's what wise people do you see? Being considerate means

simply mindful of the feelings of others. To be considerate

means mindful of the feelings of others, not the words,

but the feeling. And if I'm considerate, even when you

blast me, I look beyond and I go, what would

cause them to feel that way? And I just let

the words roll right past me, and I go, what

would cause them to be that uptight, that irritated? That

rude hurt people always hurt people. Unkind people are those

who need your kindness the most. They need massive doses

of kindness. When people are rude and unkind, they are

screaming to the world, I'm in pain. People who are

not in pain are kind. People who are always in

pain are unkind and rude. Hurt people hurt people. So

you look beyond the words and you look at the feelings.

Romans fifteen to two says this here on the screen,

we must be considerate. That means mindful of the feelings

of others, of the doubts everybody's got doubts, and the fears.

Everybody's got fears of others. Let's please the other person,

not ourselves, in doing what's good for him and build

him up. We react to what people say and ignore

what they're feeling. Big mistake. The other mistake we do

is we invalidate any feelings that we don't feel ourselves.

I don't feel it, so you shouldn't. If I don't

feel what you feel, then your feeling is dumb. It's irrational,

it's illogical, it makes no sense, and you shouldn't feel it.

And we just dismiss it because we don't feel it,

then you shouldn't feel it. That's foolish, That is not wise.

You ever played this game? It's cold in here? No

it's not. Yes, it's cold in here. No it's not.

I'm cold. No you're not. Actually it's quite warm. In fact,

I'm burning up in here. No you're not. And you

start arguing over you know, all kinds of stuff. You know,

it's just a feeling. It's not a fact. It's just

a feeling. You can argue over facts. This is a feeling.

Can somebody be cold and somebody else be warm at

the same time? Yes, yes, So why are you arguing

about it? Whoever invented the dual control electric blankets should

be given the Nobel Peace Price. It's saved millions of marriages.

When we invalidate other people's we don't feel it, we

minimize that person. Guys, if your girlfriend or your wife

says to you, I feel ugly, you don't dismiss it.

You're not ugly. That doesn't help at all. What you

need to do is say why would you feel that?

What would make you say that? Because you need to

look beyond the feeling. I mean, I mean the words

and say why don't she say she's obviously not ugly?

But for you to just say you're not ugly, that's

not helpful. That's not helpful. When they says I feel ugly,

you need to go why would you say that? What's

making you feel that? Today? Now you're getting to the

real issue. Somebody says I'm afraid, well, don't be Oh,

thank you, that was very helpful. I really felt your

moral support right there. Just then, I will I'm scared

to death, And you say, don't thank you? Very much.

That is minimizing. Now, if you don't get anything else,

I say, get this today. Feelings are neither right nor wrong.

They're just there. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're

just there. They're not facts, so you don't need to

argue it. They're just feelings. And if I feel something,

I shouldn't have to defend it, and if you feel something,

you shouldn't have to defend it. Some is should just go.

I hear you, and maybe other people feel that way too.

What we do is we try to convince people that

their feelings are wrong and you're always going to lose

that one.

What a fantastic message from Pastor Rick. You know, Daily

Hope is changing lives every day. Here's Pastor Rick with

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Here's a letter from Catherine, a listener who said that

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A few months ago, I was angry all the time

about everything. My husband was drinking too much, and my

marriage was headed for divorce. Years ago, i'd forgotten about

my faith. But one day, on my long drive home

from work, I changed the station from my angry music,

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You know, it was as if through you, Jesus said, oh,

you're finally listening, and I have something to tell you. Well.

Your message spoke directly to me, to my problems and

to my many failures, and you spoke some hard truths,

Pastor Rick, that I needed to hear about the things

that I was doing wrong and the things that I

wasn't doing at all. But it made me look at

myself and I realized that I had forgotten about Jesus,

and I was making my self miserable trying to do

everything on my own. I wasn't trusting in God, or

seeking God, or even a relationship with Jesus. But a

few days later, after a lot of inward reflection, I

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