Rick Warren - Forming Healthy Relationships—Part Two

Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters Now. In

this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

what it means to live in community, have real conversation

about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

It's honest, hopeful, So stay tuned. You won't want to

miss a second. Okay, let's get right to it. Here's

part two of a message called forming Healthy Friendships Number six.

I should not have as my closest friend believers who

sin sexually believers. Now, Honice, I didn't say unbelievers. I

said believers who sin sexually. Why not everybody? Well, get

let me give you principle. You might write this down here.

It's on this. Never expect unbelievers to act like believers

until they are. This is why I don't believe in

trying to make laws to make non Christians act like

Christians or make unbelievers act like believers. Why the Bible

says they don't have the power to change. The whole

Book of Romans was written to say that until crisis

in my life, I don't have the power to change

things that meet. So to expect other people to act

like people who have God's power in their life is

getting the cart before the horse. Never act expect an

unbeliever to act like a believer till they are. I don't,

God doesn't, and you shouldn't. But here's what the Bible says.

Look up here on the screen. First Corinthians five nine

to eleven, Paul says, you know, when I told you

not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin,

I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin,

because you'd have to leave this whole world to avoid

all of them. Duh. What I meant was, you're not

associate with anyone who claims to be a Christian and

yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy or abusive,

or gets drunk. Don't even eat with such people. Why

Because they're a bad witness. Because they are a bad

representation of Christ. Any of those four think, he says,

it's not a good representation of Jesus. And if you

call yourself Christian and you hang out with somebody else

who claims to be a Christian but is acting in

a non christ like way. He goes, that's problem. So

those are some people where to stay away from. But

the Bible also has a lot of positive advice on

the kind of people you should choose as your closest friend.

And Pastor Kurt is going to come and talk about that.

Welcome him.

Well, I'm not sure if you caught it a moment ago,

but Rick gave us all the homework assignment. Did you

know he gave us homework assignment? If you weren't paying

attention in class, I'm going to put the homework assignment

back up on the screen. If we can put the

picture of the circles back up on the screen. And

if you have a phone, as those that graph of

the circles, take out your phone and take a picture

of that. Take a picture of that, and that will

remind you as you're scrolling through your photos or looking

at your phone that Rick gave us an assignment. And

that is too. At some point in the near future

to do some evaluating of our friendships and who's in

what circle and do we like what we see? Because

our friends have a great influence on us. Now, Rick

has spent some time talking about the casual and the close,

and what I want to spend a little bit of

time today is talking about who do we choose as

those core friends. Rick mentioned, the closer they are, the

more influence they have on us. We've only got room

for a handful of core friends, men and women, friends

who make a strong impact and have a close influence

on our lives. The question is beg, okay, well, how

do I decide who should be a core friend actual

if they're gonna have some extra influence. Now, again, there's

all sorts of qualities, all sorts of important qualities that

we should consider when we're picking our core friends. I'm

going to focus on three that scripture seems to give

a little bit extra attention to. So here are three

qualities to look for in your core friends. First, choose

friends who encourage me spiritually. Choose friends who encourage me spiritually. First,

Thessalonians five to eleven says this, encourage one another and

build each other up. Now here's the thing. This verse

isn't talking about compliments. There's a difference between compliments and encouragement.

Compliments are nice, but they tend to be shallow. A compliment, Oh, Kurt,

your teeth look really shiny tonight, right, that's a compliment. Kurt,

you look a little less bald than last time I

saw you. Ook. I thank you. That's nice. I'm glad

you said that. But that's not encouragement. That's a compliment.

Encouragement are things that go a little bit deeper, a

little bit further below the surface. Encouragement matters a little

bit more and carries more significance than a compliment. And

God wants us to surround ourselves, our most core friends

with people who are a source of encouragement. Now, the

Dictionary defines encouragement this way, the action of giving someone support, confidence,

or hope. That's encouragement, the action of giving someone support, confidence,

or hope. I like this other definition. It's a lesser

known definition of encouragement. At simply this, to fill the heart.

Encouragement is to fill the heart. When you give somebody support,

when you give somebody confidence, when you're a source of hope,

what you're doing is you are filling their heart. Now,

a couple quick examples. When I was in high school

and college, one of my core friends. We had this

group of core friends, and like what happens in a

lot of friendship circles, as there's always one that seems

to kind of miss out on the information. This was

back when you actually had to pick up a phone

that was attached to a cord that was attached to

the wall and make a phone call. And so, because

of all the effort that went into being good friends

back in the day, this one friend would always get

left out. And for some reason, when he was left out,

I was the person he would call. And there was

almost this routine in our friendship where we would go

out and do something, we would forget about our one friend,

and I would get the phone call and it would

go something like this, bring hello, Hey Kurt, I heard

you guys went to Disneyland last night. You didn't invite me,

Real cool chump, and he'd hang up, click thring ring,

Hey Kurt, I heard you guys went to the movies

last night. Didn't invite me, Real cool chump. Click. I

mean it's on. It was like a routine I was

so afraid of. I couldn't do anything without upsetting my

friend for him not being included. Free Hey, Kurt, I

heard you folded your underwear last night. Didn't invite me?

Real cool? I mean, no matter what we did, if

he wasn't included, it was this issue. And when I

start thinking about encouragement, and I had to make the

decision is my friend somebody who gives me support, confidence

and hope or is he a source of tension? As

I evaluated my circle of friends, I had to make

a decision that maybe that's not somebody I want in

my core circle. He didn't fill my heart. One of

my good friends right now, Eddie lives in Atlanta. We

hardly ever see each other, and yet every time, whether

it's for coffee or an extended weekend together when I'm

in Atlanta or he's here on business, if I spend

five minutes, fifty minutes, five hours with Eddie, I walk

away and my heart is full. He just has a

way of encouraging me and supporting me and breathing confidence

into my life. Those are the kind of friends that

God says you should have closest to you. So choose

friends who encourage me spiritually, you see part of feeling lonely,

and as Pastor Rick so perfectly set up this whole topic.

Loneliness is a big, big struggle. In fact, current statistics

say that sixty five percent of twelve to seventeen year

olds sixty five percent experience loneliness on a regular basis.

It's a big deal. And part of this loneliness that

we feel is because our hearts aren't filled up. We

feel lonely because we don't have the kind of friendships

that fill our hearts. We have friendships that are full

of some of these other negative things that pastor Rick

encouraged us to avoid. Here's the second quality in your

core friends. It is to choose friends who consistently support

me emotionally. Choose friends who consistently support me emotionally. I

love this first proverb seventeen seventeen says this, a friend

loves you all the time, do me a favorite, and

underlying that all the time, a friend loves you all

the time like a brother born to help in trouble. Now,

it's been said that a true friend, and how you

judge your true friends is that a true friend walks

in when everybody else walks out. That when you're going

through trouble, you know your friends by the people who

walk in your life versus a people who tend to

walk out. So what does it look like to walk

into somebody's life. Here's what walking in means. You might

want to just jot these down someplace. Walking in means

saying I'm here with you, not just i'm here for you.

You know it's a difference. I'm here with you, not

just hey. If you need anything, I know you're going

through a tough time. If you need anything, I'm here

for you. When you say I'm here for you, you're

putting all the burden on them to reach out to

you in their moment of need. When you say I'm

here with you, what you're saying is I'm going to

be proactive. I'm going to walk this journey with you.

I will be with you every step of the way,

and you look for ways to model that you're there

with them. Walking in means listening. The best emotional support

that you can give somebody is usually just to sit

and be quiet when people are going through a tough time.

Less words, more listening. Saying I'm here with you means

I'm listening to what you have to say, and I'm

willing to be with you in it. Walking in means

serving your friends. Walking in means serving your friends, looking

for ways to proactively be an emotional support, of physical support,

whatever it is that they might need you to be. Third,

choose friends who challenge me to think. Oh, this is

the tough one. This is a tough if I can

be honest for me, just the two of us, just

me and you. I don't like this one. I don't

like this one that God wants me to. Choose friends

who challenge me to think. Proverbs thirteen twenty says, if

you keep company with wise friends, you'll become wise, But

if you make friends with foolish people, your life will

fall to pieces. You see, I like to be friends

with people who kind of think like I do. I

like to be friends with people who have some of

the same dumb beliefs, dumb opinions, strange worldview. I like

people who are like me, and when somebody starts pushing

up against that, I have a tendency to fight it.

I don't want to be challenged. Come on, if you're

really my friend, just kind of agree with me. Put

up with me. I'm kind of half baked and dumb

ideas sometimes, and you should be okay with that. You know,

Dumb and Dumber. Great movie, great movie, not a good

recipe for healthy friendships. Right, Dumb and Dumber doesn't make

for healthy friendships. I need people in my life. You

need people in your life who are willing, not in

an argument of judgmental way, but friends who are willing

to call you on your stuff. Iron sharpens iron. One

of my very best core friends is actually the gentleman

that co wrote the book with me. And if you

were to say the three or four most important life issues,

Mark and I would agree one hundred percent of the

time on those three or four core life issues. Of

the three or four million non essential life issues, Mark

and I would disagree about ninety nine point nine percent

of the time. We just see things differently. We've experienced

our faith differently, We've raised our kids differently. The way

he and his wife navigate themes is different than the

way my wife and I navigate things. He has two

children that their exact same age as our kids. The

way they've raised their kids is different than the way

we've raised our kids. And we have had over the years,

these passionate, wonderful, challenging, stretching, confusing conversations and moments and

times where we get eye to eye and mean and

me and say, bro, here's what I think about that,

here's I'm seeing, Here's where I differ. And the result

has been wonderful. It's been wonderful. I'm a better dad

because he's challenged me. I'm a better husband because he

sees things differently about marriage than I do. I'm a

better follower of Jesus because he has experienced his faith

in some ways that are different than my journey, and

it's added this layer of richness and this layer of

depth to my life. The easy thing in friendships is

just to surround ourselves with like minded people. Birds of

a feather flock together. That's the easiest route to take.

It's the road of least resistance. But if you want rich, meaningful,

life giving, heart filling relationships, I would encourage you to

take God's advice and choose friends who challenge you to think. Now,

that homework, that homework that Rick mentioned is something I'm

gonna ask you to do. Is as we're kind of

moved through some more parts of this messages this week.

This week, sometime I'm gonna ask you to take a

look at that picture, maybe draw it out on a

napkin or a piece of paper. Write out those casual friends,

write out the close friends. And in regards to these

three things, take a look at who you put in

your core friend category and ask yourself, do these people

do they encourage me spiritually? Do they support me emotionally?

And do they challenge me to think? Thanks?

It's Kurt. Let me give you a sentence to write

down to kind of summarize everything. Kurt, And I'm trying

to say, my best friends should bring out the best

in me. My best friends should bring out the best

in me. If they're not bringing out the best in you,

they're not really your best friends. Somebody else should be

your best friends. If your best friends aren't bringing out

the best, they're not your best So write that down.

And when you're looking at your friendships into an evaluation

on that, think about that, are these my best friends?

Are they bringing out the best in me? Or not?

Now let's switch gears and talk about the opposite, and

that is this. Here's another sentence you might run write down.

To have great friends, I must be a great friend.

You might write that one down. That's where we're going now.

In the next part of this message. To have great friends,

I have to be a great friend. I can't expect

people to be to me what I'm not being to them,

and so whatever I want other people to do with me,

I need to do with them. You will attract what

you are. If you're a great friend, guess what, you

will attract great friends. So that's a factor that we

need to look at. Now, let's look at eight building

blocks on how to be a great friend. According to

the Bible, according to what God says, He's always going

to be right. So let's just go through these eight

I'm going to take some of them. Kurt's going to

take some of them. Number one the building blocks of

close relationships. Eight factors for forming friendships. Number one, be cheerful.

Greet people with a smile. Now that may seem com obvious,

but when you take a friend for granted, you often

don't smile at him. There is an enormous power in

a simple smile. A smile can change an atmosphere overnight, instantly,

it can change a room. The shortest distance between two

people is a smile. A smile is a universal language.

It is known all around the world. If you smile

at somebody else, guess what, they're going to smile back

at you. You don't have to know their language, but

if you smile, they will smile. It is the one

thing that's understood besides the international finger of disapproval. Everybody

knows that one too, But this is a better one

that everybody knows, and that is if you smile at somebody,

they're going to smile back. It's a universal language. The

great thing about a smile. It costs nothing, but you

can cheer up somebody who's having a tough time just

by smiling at that clerk, at that grocery store stock person,

at the anybody you come across with walking down the street,

you know, the post office person or whatever. Studies have

shown that when you smile, you actually become cuter. Well,

there you go. You don't have to lose that weight

after all, just start smiling. If you smile, you will

be more attractive. Study after study after study say that

when a person smiles, they instantly become more attractive. How'd

that work? I don't think so. That wasn't a smile,

That was a grin. I think sour push Christians are

an insult to the joy of God. They look like

they were baptized in vinegar, you know, Okay, and it

just go come on. I mean, they're just they walk

around with these long faces. They're an embarrassment to God.

How many of you are happy? Can I see your hands?

You're really happy? Okay? How many of you are thrilled

that you're saved and you're going to heaven? All right? Okay,

notify your face. You know, it only takes seven muscles

to smile. It takes forty two to frown. If you're frowning,

you're wasting a lot of energy. Now, notice what the

Bible says fifteen, verse thirty, A cheerful look brings joy

to the heart. Now here's an interesting thing about that verse.

We think the opposite, a cheerful heart brings a smile

to the face, But the Bible says the opposite, a

cheerful heart brings a smile to the face. But this

verse says, a cheerful face, a cheerful look brings joy

to the heart. Did you know that your facial muscles

can change the mood of your heart? That when you

don't feel happy, if you'll just start smiling, it will

change your mood. I guarantee you study after your scientific

study have shown that when you actually start smiling, then

it'll actually change your mood. I can't tell you how

many times I've been driving the church to preach on

Sunday morning and I didn't feel like preaching. I'd just

like to stay home watch football. And then I've already

done that a few times. So how about now, somebody,

And what I do is I just start smiling, and

I look at myself in the mirror. I just start smiling. Hey,

that guy's happy.

Look at that guy.

He really by the time I get here, I'm ready

to smile at all of you. We think your heart

has to change before you smile. God says, if you

start smiling, it'll change your heart. Okay, So when you

get up in the morning, just start forcing that smile

in your face. Now, by the way, while you're at it,

use friendly language. Look at this next verse. The Lord

is pleased with what friendly word? Circle back? Did you

know that anytime you say a friendly word to anybody,

it doesn't have to be some kind of witness, It's

just a friendly word. God is pleased. The Lord is

pleased with friendly words Proverbs fifteen twenty six. You know

the problem we have today is, you know the world

seemed to be getting crankier and crankier. Would you agree

with that? It just seems like everybody's in a cranky mood,

and you know, nobody wants to be a friend with

a cranky person. I heard this week about a cranky,

cantankerous guy who came into a a it was a

flower shop, a florist, and he was all upset because

they had gotten the order wrong. And he said, I,

you got my order wrong. You made a mistake. I

ordered flowers for my friend's new housewarming, and you sent

a bouquet that said rest in peace. And he was

just being cranky. And I turned to him and I said, well,

just think about somewhere there's a graveside that says, I

hope you enjoy your new location. You got a problem.

You think that's a problem. So somebody's got a worse

problem than you do. So just start off smiling. You'll

make friends just by smiling.

That was such an encouraging message from Pastor Rick. And

now to encourage us more, here's Rick with a letter

from one of our listeners.

Friends, you are so essential to this ministry of daily hope.

Your prayers, your support help us reach more and more

people around the world. I was really blessed today when

I read this note from Edward and he talks about

how he's learning from Daily Hope while he's working with

inner city kids right here in America. He wrote this,

Dear Pastor Rick, I'm a middle school teacher, and it's

a real challenge every morning waking up and coming to

my school to teach. I teach you a school where

one hundred percent of our students need financial help just

to eat lunch. In other words, it's in a very

poor section of a city. He says. I listen to

your Daily Hope message during my break and I usually

give my students bits and pieces of it. Today I

told them to think about what they can do for

others if they truly want to be happy. Pastor Rick,

thank you for making your Daily Hope messages free. I'm

able to keep listening to them until I really understand

what you're teaching well. Edward, you are making a real difference.

I am so proud of you for working with those

inner city students. You're giving them a message of hope

and healing and help, and you're helping them to understand

how that by giving their lives a way to help

other people, they bring new meaning and significance to their

own lives. And I'm praying Edward that today you'll be encouraged,

not just today, but every day as you go to school,

knowing that what you do is making a difference in

students' lives for eternity, God bless you.

Hey, if you've been blessed by this teaching as I have,

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