Rick Warren - Fighting for an Awesome Family—Part Two

Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the

Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you

every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships.

In it, Rick Warren shares practical ways to help you

take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even

God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series

you don't want to miss, all right, So let's get

to Rick with part two of a message called fighting

for an Awesome Family.

Second skill you have to learn in the family is

how to handle conflict. And if you don't learn how

to handle conflict in your marriage or in your family,

you're going to have problems in your marriage because you

don't know. Nobody taught you the skills on how to

resolve and clarify conflict. And if kids don't see their

parents working problem them out in front of them and

showing how this is how we deal when we have

a difference, this is how we deal when we get hurt,

how we deal with when we get mad.

Then you have a problem with that. And what happens

is most.

People in conflict, they become either a mute and a martyr,

or they become a maniac. They either hold it in

or they explode it. Everybody, if you don't learn how

to deal with conflict, you tend to become a skunk

or a turtle. Now, Skunks, when they're upset, they let

everybody know it. They just stink up the place and

they spray, and everybody knows they're ticked off.

A turtle pulls.

Into their shell and isolates and pulls back out of

fear of conflict. Now here's the interesting thing. Skunks always

marry turtles. Don't look at them, but you know, one

of you is a skunk and one of you is.

A turtle in your marriage. All right, it's all. It's

true in every single marriage. All right.

One of you is the aggressor and one of you

pulls back. And neither of these is the more godly approach.

So neither of you get the higher upper ground morally.

They're both ineffective ways to deal with conflict. A third thing,

really big thing you have to learn in family is

how to handle loss, because you're gonna have a lot

of losses in life. You're gonna have big losses, you're

gonna have small losses, and you've got to teach kids

and even parents have to learn how to grieve a

loss because nobody wins all the time. In fact, for

a kid to have an unbroken string of wins in

early life with no losses is actually detrimental to them.

You don't want your kid to win all the time,

because when they get out in the real world and

they face the inevitable losses that they're not number one

all the time, it's devastating if they haven't learned it.

Failure won't kill you. Failure won't destroy you. A loss

won't be the end of your life. You don't win everything.

It's like in a if you're a professional baseball team,

it's actually good to have a few losses in pre

season because then the pressure's off. What you don't want

to do is have an unbroken season of all perfect

wins and then lose in the super Bowl.

That's the painful.

If you're going to lose, you might as well lose

early in life and learn from it. And so we

learn how to deal with losses, and we treat the

losses of kids as big things so they can learn

how to grieve. I remember when Matthew, my youngest, was

quite young and he had a pet hamster named Wilson,

and Wilson died. Now, we didn't treat it and say, oh,

he's just a hamster. Come on, I mean, really, it's

just a glorified rat.

You know, you know, you know we didn't. We didn't

he just poop puts. Oh you could get another one.

I'll get you another one tomorrow. No, we treated it

very seriously.

We had a family funeral for Wilson, and we went

down into the canyon and we buried him in a

little box, and we all stood around and we each

had our little say of how much we loved Wilson,

and well, how much he meant to our family, and

things like that. And what I was doing is I

was teaching the kids the theology of grief, that it's

okay to express grief, it's okay to be sad. In fact,

you're going to be sad many many times on life

in much bigger ways. And so we don't demean it,

we don't dismiss it. We deal with the losses of life.

You know, there's another board game that we played a

lot growing up. You know this one too. It's called

Shoots and Ladders. How many remembers shoots and ladders. How

many you have played shoots and ladders? Yeah, this is

a metaphor for life, friends, because life is a matter

of shoots and ladders. You roll the dice and when

you hit a ladder, you get to go up, and

you roll the dice, and when you hit a shoot,

you go down. And that's the way life works. It's

not all ups and downs. Now, one of the advantages

of games like Shoots and ladders is because in games

of chance, it puts adults on the exact same level

as a kid. You don't have any advantage with your

college degree in playing shoots and ladders. Okay, it's just

the roll of the dice. So you're no better than

a two year old at play in this game. And

the fact is, in life, some things actually you take

you up and you're gonna have some real successes in life.

But don't get full of pride and don't get you know,

full of ego, because on the next roll, you're gonna

hit a shoot and you're going down. And sometimes you're

ahead of everybody else in the family, but in two

roles you may be behind everybody else in the family.

That's life. That's life. That's the way life is.

And it's teaching kids how to have ups and downs,

ups and downs in life and not.

Get upset about it.

A game like this teaches things like take your turn,

and some people never learn to take their turn. You

can see them on the freeway. Okay, they're just cutting

off everybody else. It's not like take your turn in

getting into that lane.

Okay.

It teaches teamwork, but the main thing it teaches is

how to win graciously and how losing won't destroy you.

That is just a part of life. So that's one

of the reasons the values of boards game is that

teaches us how to handle losses. One of the verses

you need to memorize. Whether you're a parent or not,

every person should memorize this verse. Write it down. Proverbs

twenty four to sixteen. You need to teach this verse

to your children. Proverbs twenty four to sixteen. It's one

of my life verses. It says this here on the screen,

even if good people fall seven times, they'll get back

up again. I love that verse says even good people fall.

The word they're actually in Hebrew is the word righteous.

It says, though a righteous man falls seven times, he

rises again.

Even when good people fall.

You know what, even the best people, well intentioned people,

they stumble, they mess up, they flub, they say the

wrong thing, they do the wrong thing. We all fall,

we all stumble, we all mess up, and when we fall,

that's not the important thing.

It says.

Good people get back up again, even if they fall

seven times. That's the difference between a success and a failure.

That Verse is talking about what psychologists call resilience. Resilience

is the most important characteristic for a child if they're

going to succeed in life, resilience, do they have the ability.

To get back up again?

They fall off the bike, see a lot of kids

learn I'm not even going to try because I stumbled once,

so I give up. I went to one practice at

music and I didn't like it, so I'm just going

to give up. I went to one game in soccer

and I didn't like it. All right, I messed up.

I embarrassed myself, So I'm going to give up. And

so people learn to give up, and then they spend

the rest of their lives facing challenges and giving up.

But in teaching a child resilience to keep on getting

back up. Are the leaders of the world are people

who have the most resilience. They're not any more successful.

They have just as many losses in life. It's just

they don't give up and they are resilient.

Shoots and ladders metaphor for life.

Number four. Fourth thing we learn from our families is

we learn what values matter most. What values matter most,

and you have to just help your kids know this

is important and this is not now. Would you agree

that the world is teaching our kids' values that aren't

very good?

Ever? I agree with that one.

All around us, the world is teaching our kids' values

that we don't agree with. The world teaches that all

that matters is how you look. That image is everything

doesn't matter what your character is, it's how you look.

The world teaches that the more money you have, the

more important you are, the more successful, the more fulfilled

you'll be, the more significant your life is.

That's not true. The world teaches is that everything is

about sex. It's not. It's not.

The world teaches that the more you can get people

to praise you, the more valuable you are.

That's true.

And our kids are learning a lot of values from movies,

from video games, from songs, from their friends, from alive culture,

all these things that aren't true. It's important to teach

our kids the three basic temptations of life. The only

good thing you can say about Satan is he is

entirely predictable and he doesn't have any new temptations. There

are only three temptations. The Bible calls them the lust

of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the

pride of life. It has to do with how I feel,

what I do, and what I get in life. A

secularist or philosophy would call them hedonism, materialism, and secularism,

but basically it's sex, salary, and status. It's basically saying

life is about three things. Getting all the good things

you can possessions, having all of the pleasure you want

regardless of how it hurts other people. Passion and becoming

important and having status position. These are the three temptations

that Jesus went through, that Moses went through, that Adam

went through. I could take you through the whole Bible

and teaching our kids what these are so they can

recognize false values that what matters most in life is sex,

what matters most in life is money, and what matters

most in life is power, prestige, and popularity.

They're just not true.

And every single advertising ever created by anybody appeals to

one of these three temptations, every single one, every print ad,

broadcast ad, TV ad appeals to the lust of the flesh,

the lust of the eyes, of pride, of life. And

the product says, you get our product, you'll be sensual,

you'll feel good, you just have all kinds of pleasure

inside of you. Or if you get our product, you'll

be envied'll your number one. We do what's best for you,

look out for number one. And they got to do

what's best for me. And it's all about you. You,

you or materialism. You need this product because it'll make

you significant, it'll make you important. You know, when my

kids were little, I taught them these three values. I said,

these are the three values you're going to be up against,

and none of them are true. And we would stand

in front of the TV and watch commercials and I

would pay them a nickel for the one who could

figure out which value was being promoted.

By that ad.

Lust the flash boom, here's a nickel. Now I realized

that was a materialism, but at least they were learning

to spot what most kids and even adults except without question.

We teach our kids the values that matter most. And

the fifth thing we learn from our families is good habits.

Good habits habits are determine your character. In one of

the interviews I did at Bloctober one, little kids, I said,

what did you learn from your family? He said that

manners make the man. He said, my dad tells me

that all the time. Manners make the man. I thought, WHOA,

I know CEOs who don't know that. They're mean, They're rude,

they're bossy, they're pushy, their prima donnas.

They don't know that manners make the man.

I'm going that little kid knows more than that ceo

does about the real issue of character. Now, if one

of the marks of an awesome family is that we

help each other grow, how do you do that? How

do you help mom grow? How do you help dad grow?

How do you help brother and sister grow? How do

you help your nephews grow and nieces grow? Well, let

me give you two ways that help people grow in

two ways that don't. This applies in every area of life.

Two ways that help people grow. Number one, we grow

through example through example, Jesus did this and tea the

disciples John thirteen. He says, since I have washed your feet,

which was a model of humility and service, it's an

act of service. Since I've washed your feet, you ought

to wash each other's feet. I've given you an example

to follow. Do as I've done to you. We learn

best by example. Your kids don't want to hear a sermon,

they want to see it. They want to see it

in your life. And second way we help people grow

is through conversations, critical conversations. If you're not having conversations

with your kids about real issues, they're not growing. We

grow through conversations. Unfortunately, most conversations we have with kids

have to do with we need to get here by

this time and get back to here by this time,

and conversations are about schedule, eating, or homework, and no

conversations about the stuff that.

Really matters in life.

Deuteronomy chapter six, verse seven is very specific and it

says this to parents, you must teach God's commandment.

That's not an option.

You must teach God's commandments to your children and talk

about them. Circle that talk about them. That means conversations.

You're to have conversations with your kids about the Bible,

talk about them. And then it gives us four places

to do this when you are at home. You might

circle these four things when you are at home, when

you are.

Out for a walk.

The third time is at bedtime, and then number four

the first thing in the morning breakfast. He's saying, these

are the teachable moments of your family.

When you're at home, when you're out for a walk.

In other words, you're relaxing, recreation time, you're fishing, you're playing,

at bedtime, and first thing in the morning, the four

teachable moments. Now, friends, this is what God tells us

to do, and this is why most families are not awesome.

Those families aren't awesome, they're just average. And the reason

they're average is because they don't do what God says.

God says, you need to talk about the things.

That are important at home, when you're.

Relaxing, when you're on vacation, when you're having a walk.

You need to do it, at bedtime conversations, you need

to do breakfast conversations.

He said.

If you're not doing this, you're never gonna have an

awesome family.

You're gonna have an average family.

So by example and by conversations are the two ways

we help each other grow. You can help your wife

your husband grow through by example and through conversation. Let

me tell you two ways that don't work, and it's

the ones we all use. Write these down not through criticism,

not through criticizing. We think that being critical of someone

will actually help them grow.

It has never ever ever worked.

Nagging doesn't work, condemning doesn't work. Criticizing and complaining doesn't work.

It is totally ineffective in helping a person change. Why

because when you criticize, your focusing on what you don't

want rather than what you do want.

For instance, if I'm.

A professional pitching coach for the Angels or for any team,

and I go out on an important game and I

go out to the picture on the mountain, and I

say the picture, whatever you do, don't throw a curveball.

What have I just planted in his mind a picture

of a curveball. I didn't give him a picture of

the right thing to do. I gave him a picture

of the wrong thing to do, and I told him

to focus on the wrong thing. And that's pretty much

guarantee he's not going to do the right thing. When

you criticize a child, or your wife, or your husband

or anybody else, they go, yeah, you're right. Criticizing just

labels people. It reinforces negative It does not work. So

why are you so critical? Why are you so rough?

Why are you so tough on your kids? Why I

want them to be tough. You're not making them tough.

You're making them a failure. Through all your incessant criticizing,

they never measure up. And at some point when it's

criticism criticism, kid just goes, Okay, I give up. I

can't please my dad, I can't please my mom. I

just give up. And so let me just show you

how lazy I can be. Let me show you how

late I can be. Let me show you how irresponsible

I can be. I'll show you. And so it doesn't

work judging, criticizing, demean It didn't work on you. By

the way, it doesn't work in preaching either, which is

why I don't use it on you. I could get

up here every week and say, okay, let's talk about

your sins this week. That'll be a four hour sermon.

And I could get up here every week and tell

you everything you're doing wrong.

It doesn't work.

Why Number one, you know what you're doing wrong, and

me telling you about it isn't going to change it.

You have to promote the positive alternative that's called repentance.

Change your mind. Every one of my sermons are preaching

for repentance. Repentance doesn't mean stop doing bad. It means

start doing good. And that's what it's all about. So

not do criticism. Look at what the Bible says. Ephesian

six 's four to parents, don't keep on scolding and

nagging your children doesn't work making them angry and resentful. Instead,

bring them up with the loving training and teaching of

the Lord. Another verse in the Bible, Colossians, chapter three,

it says specifically to dad, says, Dad, don't be so hard.

On your kids, you drive them to resentment.

Says, don't keep demeaning them, don't keep criticizing them, don't

keep judging them, don't keep telling them everything they're doing

wrong that makes them angry and bitter. He says, that's

dumb for a dad to do. Not to criticize it.

And then there's another one that we use, and this

one doesn't work either. We don't help people grow this way,

not through comparing. Anytime you compare anybody to anybody else,

you've made.

A major mistake in life.

Why Because everybody's unique, everybody's different. There's nobody in the

world like you, so you are incomparable, and the Bible

tells us not to compare. You should never compare your

wife to anybody else. You should never compare your husband

anybody else. You should never compare your lawn or your house,

your job to anybody else. You certainly should never compare

your kids. Why can't you be more like your brother?

Why can't you be more like your mom? Why can't

you be.

More like your dad?

I'll tell you why, because I'm not them, and neither

are you. Comparing never never works, and when you do it,

it's unhelpful, it's unfair, and it's lethal to any relationship.

You start comparing your wife with somebody else, you're headed.

For divorce court. It's lethal. Just stop doing.

The Bible says over and over again, you should never compare.

Let me show you one verse Galatians six'. Four each

person should judge his own. Actions let me be the

judge of my own actions and not compare himself with.

Others then he could be proud for what he himself has.

Done he, said wait a, MINUTE i thought pride was a.

Sin there's a good kind of pride and there's a

bad kind of. Pride the good kind of pride, is,

HEY i did the BEST i could with WHAT i.

Had i'm proud of WHAT i.

Did the bad kind of pride Is i'm better than

so and so over.

There that's.

COMPARING i have a, justifiable legitimate pride in. YOU i

Love Saddleback, church AND i love you BECAUSE i love

What god has done doing through, you all the five

hundred ministries in the, community all the things we're doing

around the. World this church is unique in so many,

ways in so many areas and giving in, commitment in,

love in just the, things the.

Impact that we. Make AND i am.

Proud justifiably proud of, you and there's nothing wrong with.

That what's wrong is IF i say we're better than another?

Church does that make?

Sense the MOMENT i, compare the pride becomes. Sin so

you take pride in yourself for MAN i did with

the Gifts god gave. ME i did the BEST i.

COULD i feel pretty good about. That you can take

pride in a job well. Done the moment you start comparing,

yourself BUT i did better than that. Guy now it's

fallen into. Sin so don't.

Compare.

Now let me give you a third symbol of an awesome.

Family and the third symbol of an awesome family is.

A.

Raincoat and it's a. Raincoat what is a raincoat for

a raincoat for? Protection you remember? These you remember you gonna.

Cute little booties with. Them don't forget your.

Booties, okay all, right now let me show you verse

look up here on the. Screen The bible says In

matthew five. P forty, Five jesus said, this it rains

on both those who do right and those who do.

Wrong what does that verse? Mean it means good things

and bad things come into everybody's, life whether you're doing

it right or doing it. Wrong so next time you

think you got a problem with, Well god must be punishing.

Me you're, Wrong you're.

Wrong The bible, says bad things happen to good, people

bad things happen to bad. People it rains on both

the good and the. Bad because we're in a broken,

world and when you go through you're gonna go through.

Storms every member of your family is gonna go through,

storms emotional, storms financial, storms moral, storms physical storms like,

illnesses relational storms like. Conflict you can't go through life

without storms because it rains on both the good and the.

Bad those you're trying to do the right thing and

those who couldn't care. Less and when you go through a,

storm you're gonna need some. Protection you're gonna need some.

Covering when the rains and the thunder and the lightning

and the snow and the hail com you need a.

Raincoat families are meant to be a.

Raincoat thanks so, Much, Rick what a great message. Today,

hey if you've been listening to the broadcast for a,

while well you know That rick is always saying That

god wants your relationships to be more than just, fair, average,

good or even. Great he wants your relationships to be,

awesome life, giving filled with joy and. Purpose and that's

why he created The Awesome Relationships Bible. Study through this

four session video Based bible study with, workbook you'll discover

the tools you need to build an awesome marriage and,

family awesome, friendships and most, importantly an awesome relationship With.

God this resource is perfect for individual or group. Study

be sure to Request Pastor Rick's Awesome relationships video Based bible.

Study when you give a gift to Help Daily hope

take The hope Of jesus to a hurting, world it's

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