Rick Warren - Forming Healthy Relationships—Part Three

Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

a series called talking about Stuff that Matters Now. In

this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

what it means to live in community, have real conversation

about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

It's honest, hopeful. So stay tuned. You won't want to

miss a second. And now let's get to the final

part of a message called forming healthy friendships.

Second key to building friendships be comfortable. Relax and be yourself.

That's the second key to building great friendships. Relax and

be yourself. Be comfortable with you, he said. But Rick,

if I be me, they might not like the real me. Well,

if they're not going to like the real you, they're

never going to be your friend in the first place.

And if they don't like the real you, they don't

deserve to be your friend.

And if they don't like the way you really are,

they're not worthy of your friendship. So any person, you

have to be somebody different than who you are to

be their friend.

It's not a friend. They're not a friend.

So if you can't just be who you are, then

you don't want them as a friend. They aren't worthy

as a friend, and they're never going to be your

friend in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself,

and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend

and who's not. You have to love yourself before you

love anybody else.

You have to think you're worthy.

If you missed last week's message on identity, go back

and listen to that about that you have something significant

to give to the world. Go back and listen to

that again. On those five reasons why you know you

can feel good about you. Jesus in Matthew twenty two

thirty nine said this, The second greatest command in the

whole Bible is this, love your neighbor as you love yourself.

You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.

You know why, because if I don't like me and

I don't feel good about me, I certainly don't want

you feeling good about you. So I'm going to be

constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down

because I don't feel good about me. That's why anytime

you find somebody in your family, an in law, a parent,

of anybody who's constantly picking, picking, he just means one

day they don't feel good about themselves. Hurt people, hurt people,

hurt people, hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else

in the family, it means they need massive doses of

love because they're hurting. Insecure people want everybody else to

be insecure. So the constantly perfectionist biting, you know, arguing

and nipping at everything, they're just revealing their own hurt.

They're revealing hurt people, hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors,

you love yourself. You got to be comfortable with you,

and if you're not comfortable with you, that's why you

don't have many friends. You just need to start realizing.

As we talked about last week, God says you are

my masterpiece. I made you to be you, and nobody

else in the world could be you. That's one advantage

you have over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now,

if you can't be around them, then then it's not

going to be a real friendship. That's why you don't

want these kind of friendships where you have to wear

a mask. Second Corinthians four, verse two says this we refuse.

We refuse to wear masks and play games, and we

don't maneuver, we don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love

that in the message translation, saying we're the real deal.

We're not perig but what you see is what you get.

We're authentic, We're the real deal. And if you can't

be real, then they're not going to be your friend anyway.

So be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Number three, Be conversational

And what do I mean by that? Be conversational by

asking questions. Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking

with somebody you're just meeting for the first time, and

you're asking them questions about themselves, that's called the conversation.

If you're talking to somebody and all you're doing is

talking about yourself, that's called the monologue. That is not

a conversation. When you're going and you're trying to impress

everybody with how cool you are, that's a monologue.

That is not a way to make friends.

The way you make friends is by asking questions and why,

because questions shows you're interested in them.

Philippians two four.

Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested

in others and in what they are doing. That's how

you have friends. Be interested in others in what they're doing.

Circle the phrase be interested. Now I'm gonna give you

something if you don't get anything else. This is one

of the most important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay,

so I'm gonna ask you to write it down. The

secret of making friends is to be interested, not interesting.

The secret of making friends is to be interested in them,

not interesting yourself. This is the biggest mistake people make

and trying to find friends. They're trying to be interesting.

We're trying to look cool, smell cool, sound cool, be cool,

wear cool clothes, great, cool hairdoo. And we want to

be you know, the mysterious man of mystery or a

woman of me you know, and and we want to

be interesting. Stop trying to be interesting, be interested, be

interested in them.

You'll have plenty of friends.

You will make more friends in two months being interested

in others than you will in two years of trying

to be interesting, trying to be sexy, trying to be.

Cool, trying.

If you just people are waiting for people to be

interested in them, and if you will be put aside

your ego and be interested in them, how do you

be interested in them? Ask questions. The more questions you ask,

the more you know. There's sometimes I'll sit down with

somebody at some you know, rubber chick or dinner banquet

that I have to go to, and I don't know

them from Adam. But I'll just start asking serious questions

and I'll say hardly anything.

That night. They're talking the whole time.

They go away thinking mat Rick Warren, he's the greatest

conversationalist there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just

got them talking, and I let them talk. Stop trying

to be interesting, start being interested. The world is looking

for people who will be interested in them, and so

that's a real key you ask questions. There's a verse

year on the screen. Write this down Proverbs twenty verse five.

It says this, A person's thoughts are like water in

a deep well, but with insight you can draw them out.

How do you draw people out? How do you get

people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of

people ask questions. Learn to ask questions. You might make

a list of good questions you want to ask and

keep them in your pockets that when you're sitting on

a plane next to somebody, you can think, well, what

are those questions I wanted to ask? And you get

you'll involve them. Be interested, not trying to be interesting. Okay,

let me give you a fourth one I said, Okay,

be cheerful, be comfortable, conversational. Number four, be considerate. That's

what good friends are. They're considered. What does that mean?

Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen well,

and everybody in the world is waiting to be listened to.

And if you are a good listener, you're never going

to lack for friends. If you're willing to just get

out there and listen to people, you will never lack

for friends. Why because listening is loving. When I listen

to you, I'm giving you the most important thing in

my life, my time and my attention. I can always

get more money, but I can't get more time. I've

only got a certain amount of time in my life,

and I've only got a certain amount of attention. When

I give you my time and attention. I'm never getting

that back. That's why right now you're giving me your

time and attention. That's why I will work so hard

on these messages. I'm always thinking, I don't want to

waste people's time, because time is your life. Wasting time

is suicide. It's killing your life. You're not going to

get any more time. When I give people my attention,

I'm given the most powerful thing I've got. People say,

you know, husbands say, I don't understand my wife and kids.

I give them everything they want. I buy them everything.

What do they want?

They want you? They want your attention. Did you know

that the average dad later study spends seven seconds a

day with his kids. That's not attention. That's why they're

paying more attention to the screens.

Seven seconds a day.

So you pay attention, You listen, you empathize, you pay attention. James,

Chapter one, verse nineteen. Let everyone be quick to listen

and slow to speak. Now, typically we do the opposite

of that. We're quick to speak and we're slow to listen.

When you're in a friendship, you don't try to compete

with your friend one upping them well their story will

your story is better and their trail your tale is better.

And they did this well, you did this better.

That's not friendship, that's competition. But if you become a

good listener, you're gonna have plenty of friends. Romans twelve,

verse five fifteen. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep

with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what

empathy is? Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy Sympathy says I'm

sorry you hurt. That's sympathy. I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy

says I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is

I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy is I hurt with you.

Now there's a third level beyond that, and that's to

be like Jesus, and that's compassion. Compassion is I will

do anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly

we find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will

do whatever it takes to stop your hurt, even it

means going to the cross for you, I will die.

That's how important you are to me. But what I'm

saying here is if you're going to be a friend,

you're gonna have to learn how to share some emotion.

You gotta be happy when they're happy. You got to

be sad when they're sad. You got to enter into

their emotion. You gotta be empathetic, got to share their feelings. Now,

Kurt's gonna come back just second, but I want to say,

suppose here and say something to those of your parents

who still have kids at home. All these relational skills

that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend, they need

to be taught at home. They're certainly not gonna be

taught in a classroom at school. They need to be

taught at home, and they need to be modeled, and

they need to be practiced where it's called the family dinner.

I know it's going the way of the Dodo bird.

Families don't eat dinner together anymore. And that's why kids

are lonely, because they haven't learned the skills of how

to take your turn listening. They haven't learned the skills

of how to ask questions. They haven't learned the skills

of how to talk as an intelligent person with an adult,

much less another kid. And I want to make a

plea that if you're not having family dinners, to reinstitute

them they're the best way to teach relational skills, all right,

Just best way to teach you to sit around, eat

dinner together and talk and you take turns listening, you

take turns talking. And it has to be modeled, it

has to be practiced. If you want kids parents, they

have great, great friends. You want your kids to have

great friends, you got to do three things. First, You've

got to model attention and listening skills. Like I said,

eat dinner together. You've got to spend some time interacting

in conversation, not seven seconds a day. And you've got

to be willing. This is tough one to transport your

kids to their friends. Now, if you're not willing to

take take your kids to their friend's house, or not

willing to bring the kids to your house, don't complain

when they're talking to each other on a screen if

that's the only way they can get together, because you're

not willing to let them have face to face connections.

So it means a sacrifice. I had to sacrifice some

of my kids, some of my time to let my

kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being a dad.

It's called being a father. Now, if I'm always looking

at a screen phone as an adult, and my kids

see me doing that, well, I can't complain that they're

always looking at it, whether it's a video game or

something else. Don't blame them for not having friends. If

I don't help them make contact with anybody, they can't

drive themselves. So there is a parental role here. Now,

Pastor Kurt is going to come welcome him.

Pastor Rick likes to kind of use a different analogy.

He talks about people are like clams and every now

and then the clam opens and it's only opened for

a little while, and then it closes again. And the skill,

the art of being a parent, really the skill of

being a good friend. Having healthy conversation is recognizing when's

the window open, When is the clamshell open, instead of

trying to force things in, when when it's not a

natural fit. Real quickly, let's add a few more keys

to building healthy friendships. The fifth one is to be consistent.

To be consistent, Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking

with them in tough time. Stick with them in tough times.

If you're known for being consistent, you will be known

for being a good friend. Proverbs eighteen twenty four says

there are friends who pretend to be friends, but there

is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Talking

about consistency, Job six 'in fourteen says, a despairing man

should have the devotion of his friends, even though he

forsakes the fear of the almighty.

Now, if you're.

Unfamiliar with Job, Job is a gentleman who had it all,

and when he had it all, he had lots of friends.

And then the wheels began to fall off the cart

and he lost it all. And Job quickly realized that

as he was losing it all, his friends were abandoning him.

There was not a I am with you in this moment.

There wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's

an entire book of the Bible dedicated and you will

learn a ton about healthy friendships if you look at

the life of Job. A six key to building healthy

friendships is to be confidential. To be confidential, don't gossip

about them. Pastor Rick already hit on this. So here's

my pro tip, just a quick, short, little pro tip,

is this, Your gossip will find you out. Your gossip

will find you out. If you think your gossiping and secret,

you will be become known for being a gossip Your

friends will figure it out, and that will hinder your

friendships together. These verses speak to that Proverbs eleven thirteen,

A true friend will keep a secret. And obviously, just

as a side note, there are times where a true

friend can't keep a secret, right, we know that, But

we're talking about those those healthy confidences. When people are

opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle. That's the

kind of stuff you hold confident. You want to be

a safe sounding board. When somebody share secrets that are

dangerous or harmful or hurtful, that's a time where the

best thing you can do is to break that confidence

and not to hold that secret. Proverbs eleven thirteen says this,

no one who gossips can be trusted. Your gossip will

find you out, but you can put your confidence in

someone who is trustworthy. A seventh key to building healthy

friendships is to be candid. Always tell the truth. Always

tell the truth. Now here's the thing that is not

an excuse to be a Some of the most hurtful

words a friend has ever said to another friend is

I was just being honest. Why are you so upset?

I was just telling you the truth. It's not an

excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the

Bible that says the wounds of a friend bring healing.

So there will be times in a healthy friendship where

you have to be truthful and that truth might steing

a little bit, But when you're saying it in love,

when you're saying the truth in a way that when

the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a

source of hope, support, encouragement, you're filling their heart. The truth,

even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and strengthen a friendship.

Proverbs twenty four to twenty six. An honest answer is

a sign of true friendship, and then eight, and we

could summarize the entire message on how to be a

healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this,

be christ Like. Be christ Like. And one of the

best ways for us to try to be christ Like

is to love them unconditionally. To love people unconditionally in

a world that begs for us to achieve and to

try to earn approval and to prove our worth. When

people know that you're somebody who just loves them for

who they are. They will be drawn to you and

you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships.

Romans fifteen seven says, accept each other just as Christ

accepted you. All the research shows, all the research shows

that the anecdote to loneliness, the primary anecdote to loneliness,

is healthy friendships. Over and over and over and over again.

The anecdote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key

to healthy friendships is to look at the model, and

Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means

to be a good friend. And when you can begin

to love people like Jesus love people, what you will

begin to do is to become a person who fills

the hearts of others.

That's great. So where's the best place to learn the

skills of learning to be a friend? Small groups?

You need this to learn the skills of friendship. That's

bower Heads. As we close, let me just ask you

a couple of questions. Are your friends helping or hindering

your spiritual growth?

You know, dating the wrong.

Person can cause you to miss God's purpose. Are you

a great friend to others? Which of these eight building

blocks that we just went there. Do you need to

work on yourself? Which of your friends do you need

to invite to church? I want to close with one

last verse and it's John fifteen fifteen, where Jesus says,

I have called you my friends.

Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him?

If you have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you

into my life today. I want to be a friend

of God. I want to be a friend of Jesus,

and I want to know your purpose for my life.

If other help us to be a church, it's not

just known as a friendly church, but a church.

It's full of friends.

That we're friends to everyone, that we love everyone, but

that our closest friends are those that strive to make

us grow, to bring out the best in us. May

we be best friends by bringing out the best in others,

and may we choose best friends who bring out the

best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Hey, if you've just prayed along with Rick to accept

Jesus in your life, Rick would love to hear from you.

Just email Rick at Pastorick dot com. And now here's

Rick to tell you about today's offer.

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