Rick Warren - Creating Life Shaping Conversations—Part One

Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters Now. In

this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

what it means to live in community, have real conversation

about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

It's honest, hopeful, So stay tuned. You won't want to

miss a second. All right, let's get started. Here's part

one of a message called creating Life Shaping Conversations.

So much of your satisfaction and success in life is

determined by how well you communicate with other people. Your income,

your influence, your family, your career, your relationships. So many

different areas of your life are all impacted by how

well you learn two basic communication skills. They all are

dramatically impacted by number one, learning how to listen well

and number two learning how to speak well, how to

communicate your thoughts. If you want to better and better life,

if you want better and better relationships, then you have

to keep getting better in these two skills. You have

to learn to get better at listening, and if you

have to get learn to get better in speaking. If

you just get at a certain level and then you

stop learning how to be a better listener, you stop

learning how to be a better speaker, then your life

isn't going to get any better. Your relationships are not

going to get any better. This is extremely important. So

today I want us to look at creating life shaping conversations,

and in that we're going to look at how do

you listen better so people will speak to you, and

how do you speak better so people will listen to you.

I'm going to give you an entire communication seminar in

this session. You'd go pay five hundred bucks for it

at some seminar.

It's free with Rick. Okay, you get it free.

So then you don't have to spend that five hundred

bucks on how to be a better communicator. So we're

gonna look at these things.

Now.

We're gonna start with the six secrets of great listening. Now,

the book that's the book of all books on communication

is the Book of Proverbs in the Bible. It's the

Book of Wisdom, it's the Book of Relationships, it's the

book of how to do the right thing, the right

way at the right time in every single area of life.

It's an amazing book, and it has lots to say

about how you listen, and it has a lot to

say about how you speak. Now, one of the many

reasons why God puts you on earth. He didn't just

create you and take you automatically to heaven. He puts

you here for a few years, few decades because he

wants you to learn the skill of learning how to

listen well. And then he wants you to learn the

skill of learning how to communicate well, how to speak well. Now,

can you hear something and not really listen to it?

Think about that. Can you hear something and not really

listen to it?

Yeah, it's called high school math class. You hear it, wow, wow, wha,

But you're not listening. And there are a lot of

there's a difference between hearing and listening. Everybody hears everything,

but not everybody is a good listener. So the Bible

tells us how could be a skilled listener about twenty

five times in the Book of Proverbs, God says, I

want you to learn how to listen, and we are

commanded twenty five times to listen well. So we're going

to do a quick overview, a quick survey of some

of the highlights of the Book of Proverbs on learning

how to listen well. Six skills in order to listen well,

and just for fun, I put them in an across

the lste in. So here's how you listen. Okay, let's

get right into it.

Number one.

First thing God says about how to become a great

listener is ll look at them with love. Whoever you're

going to have your conversation with a child, a spouse,

a friend, an x, somebody you work with, you look

at them with eyes of love. It all starts with love.

Without love, you have no great communication. Look at this

verse on the screen. The Bible says in one Grindians

thirteen one, if I could speak with human eloquence, I mean,

I'm just a great speaker, an even angelic expression. If

I don't have love for people, I'd only be making

noise like a clanging symbol. God says words without love

equal noise. That if I don't love, it doesn't matter

what the conversation is about, because it's all about learning

how to love. You could be eloquent. I have you know,

I train pastors. You know that, And I've had pastors

all around the world to mean, oh, Rick, I just

love to preach like they expect me to be excited

about that, And I say, well, so what. You may

just like the attention. You might like the adrenaline rush.

You may be a ham. You like the attention that

everybody gives you when you're standing up speaking. I don't

care if you love to preach, pastor, I want to

know do you love the people you preach to. That's

what makes it count. Because without love, I'm clanging symbol,

I'm kinkling you know, crystals, I'm just noise. I'm not

even doing anything unless I love. Now, God says that

you need to always speak in love. It's intentional that

I tell you that I love you practically every week

because I want you to know. That's why I do

what I do. Nobody pays me to do this. You know,

I've served this church for free for forty four years.

Nobody.

I don't get a salary from this church. I do

this because I love you, and that's what makes it

have power. Now, how do you communicate love in a conversation? Well,

you know how to do this. If you've ever been

on a date, you communicate love with your eyes the

way you look at somebody. Have you ever looked somebody

and they weren't loving you at that moment?

Yeah? And have you ever looked at somebody and they

were looking at it? You go, man, they really love

me right now.

And they haven't said a word. Your eyes are a

powerful tool for showing love. And if you're going to

have a conversation with a child, an important conversation, or

you're gonna have an important conversation with anybody else, you

start with looking at them in love, Okay, by paying attention,

because attention is love. When I pay attention to you,

I'm saying I love you. When you pay attention to me,

you're saying you love me.

Now.

Jesus modeled this one day a young man. He was rich,

he was a professional, He was a young man, and

he comes to Jesus with a question. And here's what

the Bible says about it, Mark ten, verse twenty one,

Mark ten twenty one. Jesus felt genuine love for the

man as he looked straight at him. Circle the phrase,

as he looked, he looked, and he loved he looked,

and he loved so great communication. When you're gonna sit

down with a face to face conversation starts with the

way you look at somebody. They've got to feel that

you love them. They're not going to listen otherwise. Proverbs

twenty verse twelve. God has given us eyes to see

and ears to listen with. Notice he didn't say anything

about the mouth there in communication, it's your eyes and

ears that matter more than your mouth.

He says.

We've got eyes to see, we've got ears to listen.

You should be looking for non verbal cues. Now, how

many eyes did God give you two? How many ears

did God give you two? How many mouths did God

give you one? You should listen and look twice as

much as you talk. And that's the reason God gave

you twice as much. The biggest problem in communication we

talk too much. We don't listen enough, we don't look enough.

We talk too much. And the Bible there's a lot

to say about this.

Why do we talk too much?

Because we love ourselves more than we love anybody else,

and we like to hear ourselves more than we like

to hear anybody else.

Talk.

Now, God warns over and over again in the Bible

about talking too much. At least ten twelve verses in

Proverbs talk about the problem of talking too much, and

he says, first, you got to learn how to listen,

for you learn how to talk. Let me just show

you a couple verses about talking too much. Look up

here on the screen. The Bible says this, Proverbs ten fourteen.

The wise don't tell everything they know, but the foolish

talk too much and are ruined. Look at the next one,

the Bible says, Proverbs ten nineteen.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to sin. Okay, duh,

all right?

Law of averages Proverbs thirteen three. Talk too much and

you're done for Proverbs thirteen three. Look at this one,

Proverbs eighteen twenty one. Those who love to talk will

have to eat their own words. Yeah that's how many

you have ever had to do that? Yeah, we've all

done that. Proverbs ten nineteen, Living Bible. Don't talk too much,

you keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible

and turn off the flow. I love that in the

Living Bible. I love that verse so much that when

my kids were little, I wrote a song for it,

and I would sit down at the piano in our

house and we would all sing this song. Don't talk

too much, you keep putting your fluid in your mouth.

Be sensible and turn off the flow.

I still know that.

Verse from art, you know thirty years later. Okay, and you,

if you're a parent, one of the ways to teach

your kids scripture is make up a little song about it.

Why because I wanted to say there are times you

can talk too much. Look at this one. I love

this one. Proverbs twenty nineteen. Don't associate with the person

whose mouth is always open. Last week we talked about

the kind of friends to have and not to have.

Don't associate eight with a verson whose bouth is always open.

They're gonna get you in trouble. So the problem with

looking at people in love is that we just talk

too much. Now here's the second skill, the E or

the I in listen is invest as much time as needed.

If you're gonna learn to be an expert listener, you

not only start with looking at him in love, but

then I you invest as much time as needed. Because

the truth is, you can't listen well in a hurry.

If you're in a hurry, you're not ever going to

be a great listener. Great listening takes time. You have

to slow down. The truth takes time. Now a good

example of this is Job chapter two. You know the

story of Job. He was a wealthy man. We mentioned

him last week in our last message. Job chapter two,

he lost everything. And in vers of Eve to thirteen,

it says this, when Job's three close friends heard of

the tragedy that Job had suffered, they got together and

they traveled from their homes.

They didn't actually live in the same town.

They traveled from their homes to comfort and console him.

And then they sat on the ground with Job silently

for seven days and nights, and no one said a word,

for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.

Now this passa just packed with truths, but let me

just point out a couple of them. This is called

the ministry of presence. And one of the things that

I teach pastors, and I would teach you, is that

when you're dealing with somebody in pain, the deeper the pain.

The fewer words you use. Don't ever forget.

That the deeper the pain someone is in, the fewer

words you use. If if somebody is having a bad

hair day, Okay, are there just feeling a little gassy

or something like that. You know, then you can talk

to them about it for thirty minutes. But if they

have a major crisis in their life, a spouse walks out,

a child dies, they get laid off after fifteen years,

the deeper the pain, the fewer words you use, and

a lot of people go, I don't know how to react.

To a person in crisis.

I don't want to say, don't say anything, show up

and shut up. That's the ministry of presence. But people say,

don't I didn't know. I didn't go see them because

after this tragedy in their life, I didn't know what

to say. Don't say anything. There's some pain that is

beyond words, and that's what it is saying there. When

you have a friend or a child or something like that,

you don't You don't try to talk them out of

their pain.

You show up, you shut up.

You do the ministry of presence and the fewer words

you use, but you.

Invest as much time.

Notice how many days did Job's friends sit on the

ground with him seven? That's a real friend to say,

do you have anybody in your life who'd sit on

the ground with you for seven days without saying anything.

That takes a very mature person. They're just that we're

gonna be with you in your pain. Have you ever

had to spend a long period of time with someone

and not say anything. That's the mark of a true friend.

You invest as much time as needed, and because you

can't listen in a hurry, you just have to be

there and when it's the right time, they'll say something.

And when it's the right time, then you'll be able

to say something to you.

So elle and listen, look at them with love, I

and listen is invest as much time as needed.

Number three.

The s in listen is share their feelings, not your solution.

Share their feelings, not your solution.

A lot of times.

You'll have a conversation with a child who's had a

really bad day at school, or a spouse who's had

a really bad day at work.

Or a friend and a neighbor or a.

Relative who's had a really bad last six months. And

one of the problems with us as human beings is

we like to fix things. We all want to be fixers.

And what God wants you to do before you're a fixer,

He wants you to be a feeler. He wants you

to feel the pain their feeling before you try to

fix the problem. Share their feeling whatever they're feeling before

you try to fix.

See.

A lot of times a child will come to you

or a teenager will come to you and they say,

I had this problem, and you remember how it was

a big deal when you were that age, but it's

not a big deal for you anymore, and so you

try to talk them out and say.

Well, it's not really that big a deal.

Well, that's just very unloving because it is a big

deal to them, and if you love them, it will

be a big deal to you. So you share their feeling.

You don't share your solution. As I said, men in particular,

we're fixers. And I didn't understand this for many years.

Kay would come in with a problem. I thought she

wanted to me to fix your problems.

I learned much later.

No, she just wanted to talk about them, and she

wanted me to go that's a problem.

Wow.

I don't think i've ever seen one on that big

wooh man? Is that a problem? Wow? No wonder you're

worried about it. It's no wonder you're discouraged about it's

no wonder you're feeling down.

That is a problem, babe. That's a problem. Man, oh man,

that is a problem.

And you know what, sometimes if I actually made a

mistake and actually did that without thinking, she'd walked away

going that's all I needed. I just needed my husband

to understand what a tough day I had. I didn't

need him to fit anything. But we typically are quick

to the fix. That means you're not listening. It is

my typical nature that if somebody comes to me with

a problem, they're barely into the fourth or fifth sentence

and I'm going to I know how to fix this.

But that's not loving. We all want to be fixes.

But first people want to be understood. People don't care

what you know until they know that you care.

They want to feel loved. They want to feel understood.

They want you to feel what they're feeling, and they

want you to validate.

That's yeah, I get it.

I see why you're worried, why you're upset, why you're frustrated,

while you're angry, why you're whatever emotion you're feeling. I

need to mirror that. I need to share their feeling.

Not the solution. Here's what the Bible says Proverbs eighteen,

verse thirteen. Anyone who answers quickly without listening, That's what

I'm talking about, getting to the fix first, the solution.

Anyone who answers quickly without listening first is both foolish

and insulting. So let me just say this, when anybody

comes to you, a friend, a family member, or somebody else,

somebody in your small group, listen and feel their feelings

before you try to fix anything. Don't get to the fix.

Just wait.

Even if you know the.

Solution, don't tell it, just wait. Let them share all

they need to share. There is healing and sharing. There

is healing and being able to have somebody listen to you.

Your ear is a healing tool used by God. If

you'll let God use it, If you'll learn to listen

to people without trying to fix them first, many of

them will be healed right there on the spot, simply

by being listened to, because they weren't paid attention to it.

Maybe some other.

Point in their life, share their feelings, not the solution.

One of the best examples of this is the death

of Lazarus. Lazarus was the brother of two women in

the Bible named Mary and Martha. Mary, Martha and Lazarus

were good friends of Jesus. He often when they lived

in a town called Bethany, and when he would go

to Bethany, he always stayed with Mary and Martha and Lazarus.

And one day Jesus was just about, you know, a

half a day away from Bethany, and it's not very

far from Jerusalem, and he gets worried that Lazarus is sick,

and I mean deathly sick. He's like on his deathbed,

he's going to die. Jesus is a half a day away.

It takes him three days to get there. This is

one of his best friends, Lazarus, and people don't understand

why did it take him so long, because he has

a plan. He didn't want to heal him. He wants

to raise him from the dead. He's actually hanging out.

He has a plan. He knows what he's gonna do.

He already knows the solution even before Lazarus gets sick.

But finally he shows up three days later.

By this time, they've buried the guy and he's dead

and he's in the ground. He's already in the tomb,

and the Bible says this. In John eleven thirty two

to thirty six, Mary fell at Jesus' feet, and she

cried out, Lord Lord, if you had been here, my

brother would not have died. In other words, I know

you could have healed him, but he's dead. If you'd

just been here, he would have lived. But now he's dead.

Now.

When Jesus saw her Mary weeping, along with many others

who were weeping, he was deeply moved. Circle that deeply moved.

He's sharing their feelings. Where have you baren in his body?

Jesus asked, come and see Lord, they replied, And then

the next two words are the shortest verse.

In the Bible.

So here's our memory verse this week. Jesus wept. That

is the shortest verse in the Bible. It's John eleven

thirty five. Everybody say, John eleven thirty five, John eleven

thirty five, And what is John eleven thirty five Jesus wept?

And where does it say in the Bible Jesus wept,

John eleven thirty five. You just memorized the Bible verse,

the shortest one in the Bible, but it's also one

of the most significant ones because it shows that Jesus sympathizes.

Jesus weeps, Jesus cares. He's not unconcerned about your pain.

And when Jesus saw everybody else around him weeping, what

did he do? He mirrored it, He mimicked it, he

entered it. He shared their feelings.

Even though he knew the solution.

Jesus already knew he was gonna heal this guy, that

he actually was gonna resurrect him. He knows why he's

doing what he's doing. He knows why he delayed. He's

gonna prove that he's the son of God by resurrecting Lazard.

He knows in advance the solution.

And he walks in and everybody's weeping, and everybody's crying,

and everybody's grieving.

And Jesus does.

Not say, everybody, stop it, stop crying. I got the solution.

He doesn't say that. He doesn't say, everybody stop grieving.

I'm gonna heal the guy. I'm gonna raise him.

From the dead. Watch this. No, he doesn't do that.

What does he do? He weeps with him. He weeps

with him.

That shows the sympathy, empathy, and compassion of our savior.

He already knows the solution, but what is he doing.

He's sharing their feelings, not his solution. This is the

principle of the story of Lazarus, and if Jesus did it,

he is gonna heal him. Certainly you can do. You

may know the solution, hold off, don't. If you're gonna

be a great listener, you got to listen to the

to their feelings and enter into that.

Does this makes sense? Okay?

This is how you become a great listener. I look

at them with love, I invest as much time as needed.

I share their feelings, not my solution. Even if I

know I can solve it, I don't share it yet.

I just share their feelings and I enter into their grief.

And that's what Jesus did. Wow. Some powerful words from

Pastor Rick.

And now this really is one of my favorite parts

of the broadcast. Letters from our listeners.

Here's Rick.

I love getting letters from you. Let me share a

little bit longer when it's from Sarah and her four

year old son. She said, Pastor Rick, my husband and

I are involved in a church plant in Salem, Massachusetts,

and I make an effort every day to listen to

other pastors preach by a podcast. But I began listening

to your Daily Hope podcast and I stumbled across Christians

in the workplace and that small group study that you

did that has been a great study and quite relevant

to us. Thank you for making your materials available beyond

Saddleback Church, Pastor Rick. As a result of my regular

listening to your podcast, my son now frequently asked to

listen to the sermons. He's four and a half years old,

and one morning, on our way to church, he asked

me to put on a sermon. I love this kid,

he said. I had a Pastor Craig podcast in the

queue but began to listen, but my son kept asking

to listen to a sermon by you, and I kept

telling this was a sermon. Then he said, no, I

want to listen to Pastor Rick Warren. That's funny. Well,

when your four year old's Sam asked to listen to

Rick Warren, you listen to Rick Warren. So I asked Sam,

why like to listen to you? He said, I like

what Pastor Rick says, and he said he says, if

you don't swing from one bar to another, you're just

gonna hang there.

Well, I was shocked. That he had picked up that truth.

That was just one of the recent Daily Hope messages

where you talked about faith and you were referring to

where trapeze artists have to let go of one bar

before they reach on to the second, and all of that.

Just to say thank you for the work you do,

for the messages you teach, and it goes noticed even

by the youngest of human beings, My four year old

son best Sarah, Well, what can I say, Sarah, this

is just such a great story. Thank you, and thank

your four year old son Sam for listening, and thank

you for your ministry. And Salem, Massachusetts. May God bless

your church and may all of you join me next

time as we continue to look at God's word for

our daily hope.

Thanks so much, Rick, And if you'd like to let

Rick know how much this broadcast has meant to you,

how it's blessed you, please send him an email at

Rick at pastorick dot com. That's Rick at pastorick dot com.

Rick looks so forward to reading those emails. Be sure

to join us next time as we look into God's

word for our daily hope. This program is sponsored by

Daily Hope Ministries and your generous financial support