Rick Warren - Creating Life Shaping Conversations—Part Two

Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters. Now. In

this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

what it means to live in community, have real conversation

about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

It's honest, hopeful, So stay tuned. You won't want to

miss a second. And now here's part two of a

message called creating Life Shaping Conversations.

Okay, here's number four. The key and listen stands for

tune in, tune in to any fear or hurt beneath

the words. What people are feeling is far more important

in a conversation than what they're saying. And what they're

saying is often not exactly what they're feeling, but a

lot of times they're saying one thing and they're feeling another.

And if you're going to be a great listener, you

have to look past their words, past the things they're saying,

because sometimes what they're saying is offensive because they're hurt

or sometimes they're saying they're what they're saying is because

they're afraid, they're insecure, they're fearful. And when people get angry,

it's usually because they're frustrated, hurt, or fearful. You know what,

it's a whole lot easier to deal with people when

you know they're frustrated or they're hurt or they're fearful

than it is when they're angry. You're not very sympathetic

to people who get angry at you, but you are

sympathetic to people who are fearful, and you are sympathetic

people who are hurting, and you are sympathetic to people

who are frustrated. And so if you can look past

the words, In fact, sometimes in a conversation, to be

a good listener, you have to ignore the words and

look at the emotion and go, what's going on here.

I'm feeling this intensity come through on something that doesn't

seem to me to be a really big deal, but

clearly it's a really big deal because I'm feeling the pushback,

the blowback, And you have to ask, is this hurt,

is this fear? Is this frustration? And you're looking beyond

the words. Look. When you tune into any fear of

hurt beneath the words, you're looking for the open nerd,

why are they so reacting this way? You listen for

the pain, and sometimes the pain doesn't have anything to

do with you. It's pain out of their past, but

it's coming back at you. In this particular situation, you

look for the fear beyond the words. What is this called?

This is called sympathy. Sympathy when you're tuning in to

the emotion first Peter, Chapter three, verse eight. Be sympathetic,

loving each other like a family, and be kind and

be humble. When you're humble your open new ideas. When

you're kind and sympathetic and loving, you don't blow back.

They may get angry at you, go, this isn't really

what they're angry about. What are they afraid of? What

are they worried about? What are they anxious about? What

are they fearful about? What are they frustrated about? What

are they hurt about? And if you're going to be

a great listener, you've got to tune in to the

fear or hurt beneath the words. Number five, the E

in listen stands for engage, them with open ended questions.

Engage them with open ended questions. Now, what's an open

ended question, Well, it's the opposite of a closed ended question.

A closed inded question only requires a yes or a no.

When you say, where were you know? Where were you

on the nine or fourteenth, that's an open ended question.

When you say did you do this? Yes or no,

that's a closed inded question. If you're going to learn

to be a great listener, stop asking your children questions

whether they say yes or no. Those kind of questions

aren't really helpful. If you really want to understand your kids,

your teenager, if you want us to understand your husband,

you want to understand your wife, stop asking closed ended

questions yes or no. Ask a question that requires more

than one word and requires a little bit more thought

than simply yes or no, because that's where you're going

to get to the deeper issues in the conversation. Be sympathetic,

tune out the fear, tuned in the fear heard, and

then engage them with open ended questions. Now, I don't

have to go onto this a lot, because we talked

last week about the importance of questions in friendship. In fact,

I used this verse Last week Proverbs twenty verse five.

People's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but

someone with insight can draw them out. And how do

you draw them out? With questions? Particularly open ended question?

What does that mean? Any question that doesn't answer yes

or no, just whatever you it's an open ended question.

Now there's a magic phrase I want you to write

this down that will make you a master listener. And

you need to use it over and over and over

with kids, with spouses, with friends, with anybody else. And

it is the phrase tell me more, write this down,

tell me more. That is the magic phrase on how

you draw it out of people, out of grandchildren, out

of anybody, tell me more. So you don't just say, hey,

tell me about what's going on, tell me about your day,

and then they finish, and they might give you one

or two cents. Then you say tell me more. And

then when they finish it, they you go tell me more,

and then you keep tell me what are you doing?

You're going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, and

you're allowing them to express more and more and more.

And a lot of times I don't really know if

you mean it or not. And so if you say

tell me more, several times it says I'm really interested

in you. I'm paying attention, and what is attention attention

is love, So you say, tell me more. With most people,

whether it's kids or adults, you have to draw it

out of them like a bucket out of the well bucket.

And you do that by asking open ended questions. And

then when they respond, then you say, once they finish,

that's not all I'm going to say about it, tell

me more, and you wait, and you have to learn

to be patient. Finally, number six in learning to be

a great listener, the end and listen is never judge

until you have all the facts. Never judge until you

have all the facts. This will make you a great listener.

And Proverbs has a lot to say about this too.

God says, I don't want you making snap judgments. I

want you keeping an open mind. I don't want you

to be presumptuous. I don't want you to presume. I

don't want you to assume. Don't assume you have a

clear picture. Wait until you assure you have all the facts.

Here's the problem. Your kid, or your husband, or your wife,

or anybody starts talking to you about something, and you

start feeling emotion about what they're saying, and you start

forming an attitude either for that person or against that

person based on that. And you don't even have all

the facts yet. No, God says, keep an open mind,

don't prematurely evaluate, don't prejudge something, don't think you know

everything in advance. Proverbs eighteen, verse thirteen and fifteen says

this what a shame. Yes, how stupid to decide before

knowing the facts. A person with understanding gets the facts,

and the wise person listens to learn more. And the

more you listen, the more you learn. And you don't

judge until you have all the facts, because assumptions and

presumptions get us in trouble. Now, these are six golden

rules for learning to be a great listener. All right,

I have taught some of this material literally all around

the world to about a half a million pastors. So

I'm going to give you a shortened version of how

do you speak so that other people well listen? All right,

and it's speak five skills Number one. The S stands

for this, save it for the best time and place.

Save what you're going to say your conversation that you

know you need to have with your child or is

fouls or a boss or whoever. Save it for the

best time and place for great Conversation's timing is everything.

Have you learned this that you could have a really

good planned conversation and you shared it at the wrong time?

And how that go over for you? Not very good?

You know. One of the worst things is when you

get in bed with your husband or your wife, you

lean down and your spouse hays, honey, we need to talk.

That'll put the fear of God in any grown man. Okay,

I just put my head on the pillow. Never drop

a bomb in bed. Okay, save your bed for other things,

all right, But discussions is not the place for particularly

tough discussions. Not there now. Save it for the best

time and place. When's the best time, Not when you're

at your best, but when they're at their best. Now,

what's the best time for you to share it? The

best time to share something, to speak to somebody about

something is when they're at their best. Now. With kids,

you don't know when that's going to be. Last week

we talked about how kids are like clams. They open

up and they close, They open up and close. You

never know how long they're going to be open. You

can't schedule this kind of thing. That's why you have

to be prepared in advance, because you can't schedule it.

They're going to open up. As Kurt said, there's a

window of opportunity and it's going to shut down, so

you have to be patient. Here's what the Bible says.

Ecclesiastes three to seven, which was written by the same

guy who wrote Proverbs, Solomon the wisest man in the world.

He says this, there's a time to be silent, and

there's a time to speak. In other words, there's times

you need to speak up and there are other times

you need to shut up. Wisdom is knowing the difference.

Is this a good time to speak up or is

this a good time to shut up? While you're waiting

for the right time to come, you keep your ears

open and your mouth shut, and you don't spill the

beans prematurely. Ecclesiastes eight, verse six says this, there's a

right time and the right way for everything, even though

unfortunately we miss it for the most part. Okay, And

how do you know when you've missed the right timing?

You have conflict because they weren't ready for what you

needed to share. So how do I know the best time?

Here's number two? Pray and plan, Pray and plan, pray,

Pray about what you're going to say and how you're

going to say it. And plan what you're going to

say and how you're going to say it. Now, even

Jesus did this. Even Jesus did this, and John chapter twelve,

verse forty nine, Jesus says, I have not spoken on

my own power. Instead, the father who sent me told

me what I should say and how I should say it.

You see, even Jesus didn't just go speaking on his

own power. He would talk to the Father, heavenly father

in heaven, and the Father in heaven told him when

he should say it, what he should say, and how

he should say it. Now, that's your God, God, the Father.

Don't you think if he told Jesus what's saying how

to say it, he'll tell you what's say and how

to say it. Why hasn't he done that? You haven't asked.

You just haven't asked. But before you go into any

major meeting, before you have that important critical conversation with

that child, with your spouse, with a friend, a neighbor,

you know, an employee or boss. You need to pray

and plan. You need to do these two things in advance.

You don't walk into a meeting unprepared, without having prayed,

without having planned. Now, first, what you want to do

is you want to plan. What that means is this

Proverbs sixteen twenty three. Intelligence people think before they speak.

In other words, they put their mind in gear before

they put their mouth in motion. Intelligent think people think

before they speak. Then what they say is more what persuasive?

Now do you want to be persuasive? Okay, here's how

to be more persuasive. Plan what you're going to say,

fake it out in advance. Now, it says intelligent people

think before they speak, which means planning is a sign

you're smart. If you're walking into a major conversation with

your spouse and you haven't planned it, that's dumb. That

is not intelligent, that is not thought out, that is

not wise. Intelligent people think before they speak, So you

plan it out planning. This is a sign you're smart.

And it says if you plan it, then you'll be

more persuasive. How persuasive do you think I would be

if I stood up here every week without planning what

I was going to say. If I got up here

to Dan and said, well, folks, I really intended to

write a message to share with you, but there was

a praty bunch of marathon on and I wanted to

see what Greg and Marshall look like now. And I

know that wouldn't go for anything. I would have no influence,

would have no preparation, and I would have no persuasion

because I hadn't planned it. I hadn't thought it out. Now,

here's what the Bible says you do in your planning

Colautions four six. Everything circle that everything you say what's

not included in that nothing. Everything you say should be

two things. It should be kind and it should be

well thought out. Friends, If you'll just practice that one verse,

forget everything else I've taught today, you will become a

master communicator. If you're kind and you think it out

what you're going to say, you're going to be a

great communicator. Everything you say should be kind. If it's

not kind, you don't say it and well thought out.

So but you know how to answer everyone. So the

first thing you do is you plan, and the second

thing you do is you pray, and like Jesus, you say, Lord,

God Father, teach me when to say it, Teach me

what to say, and teach me how to say it.

Matthew ten, verse nineteen and twenty. Jesus says this, this

is a promise. Do not worry about what to say

or how to say it, because at that time you

will be given what to say. This is Jesus talking here.

You'll be given what to say, for it will not

be you speaking, but the spirit of your Father speaking

through you. Wouldn't that be nice? You think it's going

to be better received. It's the spirit of God speaking

through you. Of course it is so, He says, you

don't worry about it. Why First I planned it, and

second I prayed about it, and I said, God, tell

me the right time, tell me the right place, and

tell me the right way to say it. That's the

p I save it for the best time and place

what I'm going to say, and then I pray and

plan what to say and how to say it. The

e in speak to be a master speaker is empathize

with their needs first. Empathize with their needs first. The

person you're having the conversation with. You don't start out

with your agenda. You don't start out with your hurt.

You don't start out with your complaint. You don't start

out with your gripe. You don't start out with your problem.

You start with them. What's their need, what's their hurt?

What's their interest? What's their fear not yours? What's their

problem not yours? You start with them. Wow.

Thanks Pastor Rick for such an amazing message today. And

now here's Rick to tell you about today's offer.

You know, ever since the publication of The Purpose Drive

in Life, people have been asking me how they can

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they say, and I agree that it's never too early

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too soon to tell a child God made you unique

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and God planned you just for that. Now here's the

super good news. We have taken the principles that are

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his purposes. You were made to last forever. Now. This

book is called The Purpose Driven Life one hundred Illustrated

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speaking directly to the daily challenges that all of our

kids are facing. And as a way of saying thanks

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a great thing to give kids or to grandkids, and

at the same time, your support continues to help us

tell people all around the world about God's love and

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