Rick Warren - Creating Life Shaping Conversations—Part Three

Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters. Now. In

this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

what it means to live in community, have real conversation

about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

It's honest, hopeful. So stay tuned. You won't want to

miss a second. And right now you're going to hear

the final part of a message called creating life shaping Conversations.

Now here's another major versus scripture on how to speak

effectively Ephesians four twenty nine. Speak, the Bible says only.

There's that word again, speak only. This is the only

way you're supposed to speak.

Speak only what.

Is helpful for building others up according to their needs,

so that it may benefit those who listen. He says

the same thing four times in order to get the

point across. He says, speak only what's helpful. That's one

only speak only what builds others up. Speak only according

to their needs, and speak only what will benefit those

who listen.

That's pretty clear, he says.

You start with them. Now, you're gonna get to your hurt.

At some point, you're gonna get to your need. You're

gonna get to your frustration or your fear, or your

failure or whatever it is in your life. But you

don't start there. If you're smart, if you're wise, if

you're a wise woman, your wise mother, a wise wife,

or if you're a wise man, your wise husband, your

wise dad, you don't ever start with you. You start

with them. In any crucial conversation, speak what is helpful

for building them up according to their need that would

benefit those who listen.

Now, here's how you do this. When you sit down

in the.

Conversation, you say you go first, and you just let

them speak without any interruption. You don't interrupt them, you

don't ask questions, you don't ask for clarification, you don't challenge.

You just let them speak. And if they speak for

five minutes or twenty five minutes or thirty five minutes,

you just let us speak. And here's the key. You

take notes, You let them and if you go they

say something to you you have a question about, you

write down the question. You don't stop them in the

middle and they're you let them speak, and you have

something you want to challenge or you want to correct.

You don't challenge your correct you write it down on

your thing. You just let them have a free flow

and you take notes. That shows your care, That shows

you're aware, That shows you're paying attention. One time, Kay

and I had a conversation about our marriage, and I

took nine pages of note notes. I'm not kidding, I'm

not exaggerating. Why because it was nine pages of stuff

she needed to tell me and I needed. I've been

married forty four years. Why Because we've been doing this

for forty four years. I could prevent your divorce if

you'll start doing this, okay, I can prevent your divorce.

I used to do marriage counseling. I discovered as long

as two people are talking, you can work something out.

It's when people both give up the talking. That's true

in nations on international relations, it's true in her marriage,

it's true between companies. As long as there's talking going on,

you have the potential to make some progress.

But I would write it in.

I would just listen to her talk, and if I

had a question, I wrote it down.

If I had a clarification, I write it down. If

I had a.

Disagreement, I wrote it down. But I did not interrupt her. Okay,

So you make notes. You let them go first, and

then here's the key thing. You summarize what they said

to you before you start write this down. Summarize what

they said to me, and you paraphrase it back. They say, okay,

let me repeat back to you what I think I.

Heard you say.

Because I may have gotten it wrong, but here's what

I think I heard you say. And you paraphrase back

to your spouse or to your child, or to your

boss or whoever it is. And you that shows you're listening,

your ability to summarize, and your ability to paraphrase and

to parrot it back to them. This is the mark

of a master communicator. You're listening well and you're gonna

speak well. But you say, let me say what I

said back to you, what I think I heard you say.

All right, now, that is the key take notes of

you empathize with their needs first.

Okay. The A.

The A in learning how to speak like a master

communicator is to affirm the positive alternative. I'll have to

explain this, affirm the positive alternative. And what I'm saying

is that when you particularly in a conflict, you want

to be a proponent of what's right, not an opponent

of what's wrong. You want to be in favor of

what we could be doing, not critical of what we're

not doing. You want to be positive, be a proponent

of the right thing and not an opponent of the wrong.

Thing, because negativity doesn't.

Really change people very much at all, And so you

be a proponent, you affirm the positive alternative. Let me

say another way of saying it. Don't tell it like

it is. Tell it like it could be. Big difference.

Tell it like it is doesn't change anybody. It's simply

re it reinforces the negative. But to tell it like

it could be builds on faith, It builds hope. And

I get a vision of what we could what our marriage.

Could be, not what it is, what it could be.

How I help my child see what they could be,

not what they are, what they could be. Don't tell

it like it is. The study after study shows that

whatever you hold up and people focus on, that's what

they move towards. So if you hold up all the negative,

you tell everybody what's wrong in your relationship. You tell

everybody what's wrong with the world. You tell everybody what's wrong.

That's all it does is reinforce it.

If I were.

Sitting out there with the day and some guy got

up here to start doing a message to dads, and

he started telling dads all the things that we do

wrong as dad's and the guy goes, you know what,

You're a lousy dad. You guys aren't spending enough time

with your kids. You're too involved in your work. You

spend more time with your with your you know, your sports,

than you do with your kids. And they tell me

all the negative things you know what all the dads

would be doing. Yeah, you're right, you know we're not

very good dads. And we go home feeling pretty bad,

pretty lousy, because you just reinforced all the stuff that

we already know and telling me what I already know.

Tell it like it is, doesn't change anything.

But if a speaker gets up here and I'm sitting

out there and the speaker goes, I see in you, guys,

the ability to be an incredible father. I see in

you the fact that if with God's spirit in your life,

and if you'll build your life and family on this book,

on the truth of God. You could become a godly man,

and you would be a man that your wife adores

and honors, and that your kids look up to and

have nothing but respect for. You could be a man

in the community that is I want to be like

that guy. That kind of message makes me want to change,

that helps me move, to show me what I can become.

Don't tell me what I am.

I could get up here every week and for forty

years and I could say we're gonna do sin of

the week, and this week we're against this sin, and

next week will be against that sin, and in two

weeks we'll be against another sin. And we're all a

bunch of sinners and friends. That's not good news. That's

not even news. We know that I don't need to

come to church and tell me what I'm telling me,

what I'm doing wrong. I need to come to church

and you tell me how to change it, how to

fix it, and where I get the.

Power to be different.

Okay, So for for forty years, I've been telling you

how to change it with the power of the spirit

and the power of God's truth. And we don't we

don't tell it like it is, because that just reinforces

a negative. You affirm the positive alternative. Now, here's what

the Bible says, Proverbs fifteen, verse two. When wise people speak,

they make knowledge. What circle that they make no knowledge attractive.

If you're wise, you're gonna when you have a conversation,

you're gonna make what you say attractive. And I'm going

to teach you the three ways to do that. In

the second, it makes it attractive. It doesn't take any

wisdom at all to share knowledge. It takes enormous wisdom

to make it attractive. You cannot There are a lot

of unwise pastors, unwise school teachers, unwise politicians who they

are unwise researchers, and scientists who can share knowledge. Anybody

can share knowledge, but doesn't mean the kids, or the

students or the members of the church are going to

be interested. It takes enormous wisdom to make knowledge attractive.

And he says, if you're wise, that's will make it attractive.

So how do I make it attractive? Here's the three

secrets I'm going to give you. This is gold, you guys,

you need this. Here's how you make knowledge attractive. Number one,

share the benefits. So if you want to make a

change your family, you better be ready to explain why

it's going to be beneficial to everybody, not just you.

But share the benefit.

How is it going to help me? Every time I

teach you, you're going how's this going to help me? Share

the benefit? Number two. The second way you make knowledge

attractive is say it positively. Don't say it negatively, don't

say it in a condemning, critical voice. Spirit that doesn't work.

Say it positively.

Okay. There are many many.

Verses in the Bible about this, about being positive in

your speech. Here's one, Proverbs sixteen twenty one. Proverbs sixteen

twenty one says a mature person is known for his understanding,

and the more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.

You want to be persuasive with your kids, You want

to be persuasive with your husband or your why. You

want to be persuasive with clients or customers. The more

pleasant you are, the more persuasive you will be. I

say it like this, I'm never persuasive when I'm abrasive.

I'm never persuasive when I'm abrasive, because it just puts.

People in a negative mood.

Now, tomorrow you go to some store and you're going

to get something and it's not right, and the clerk

at work is a jerk. I'm a poet and I

don't know it, but my feet show it because they're longfellows.

So the clerk at work is a jerk.

Now, if they got your order wrong, are you going

to get better service from them if you complain and

act like a jerk yourself?

No?

But if you're polite and you're generous, and you're gracious

and you cut them some slack, are they going to

bend over backwards?

More likely? More likely.

You're never persuasive when you're abrasive, so you may be mad.

That's not the time to have that conversation. You need

to calm down. You share the benefits, you say it positively.

In fact, write this down. Here's a verse for your phrase.

I want you to get. If I say it offensively,

it will be received defensively. I could get up here

and offend you every week. I could say things that

would put you on the defensive instantly.

But I'm smarter than that.

Because I want to help you change, and because I

love you. I'm not interested in putting you down. I'm

interested in giving you a hand up, helping you out.

So if I say it offensively to be received, it's

got to be positive. And here's the third key to

making knowledge attractive. Offer hope. Offer hope. You should always

offer hope in a conversation with a child, with a spouse,

with a friend, with somebody at work. Always offer hope.

People are hungry for hope Hebrews six, verse nineteen. We

Christians have this hope as an anchor for the soul,

firm and secure. If you offer hope, people will listen

to you, even when the sermon's long. All right, all right,

the K, the K. Here's the last one is keep

calm and don't argue. This is the fifth thing in

being a great communicator.

Keep calm. They may say.

Something that just irritates you, know, in in the conversation

and really triggers you. And they might say something and

you know what, your spouse knows your triggers. Have you

figured that one out? And you know your spouses it's

not very loving to use them. But when we're not

in a good mood, we often do. Keep calm and

don't argue. Last two verses Proverbs seventeen twenty seven. Those

who are sure of themselves do not talk all the time.

Those who are sure of themselves, that means you got

self confidence. You're not insecure. Anytime you see somebody who

talks all the time, talk talk, talk, talc TC talk,

they just got a blabbermouth. They are incredibly insecure. Insecure

people talk too much. People who are sure of themselves,

people are confident.

They don't need to talk. Okay, I know who I am.

Those who are sure of themselves do not talk all

the time. And people who stay calm have real insight.

And you don't let people trigger you. They don't let

people hook you. You don't let people you know move you.

To say you make me so mad, then you're saying

you make me. You have the power to control my emotions.

Don't argue, Keep calm James one, nineteen. We've talked about

this verse literally on hundred the time to settle back.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and

slow to become angry. If you are do the first two,

the third's automatic. If you're quick to listen, and if

you're slow to speak, you will be slow to get angry.

The other problem is though, that we do the opposite.

We're quick to speak. In fact, we want to interrupt.

We're quick to speak, we're slow to listen, and as

a result, we're quick to get angry. Now here's your homework.

Two things. One, I want you to look over this

list and check the ones going. This is the one

I need to work on first, because you can't work

on everything at once. Second, identify a person in your

life that you need to have that crucial conversation with,

whatever it's about, and then start preparing and praying. You

can't schedule it, but you can prepare for it and pray,

and at the right time, God will teach you what

to say, when to say it, and how to say it.

Let's vow for prayer.

Father, I so badly want our church family to be

filled with great communicators and great conversationalists. You have given

us your children the greatest message in the universe, the

good News, but we've not always been great at sharing it,

and we haven't always been great listeners. First, I'm asking you,

Lord to help all of us be better listeners and

better speakers.

This next week. Help us to have.

Some healing conversations in our church, family, between parents and kids,

between husbands and wives, between friends, between small group people,

between people who've irritated us. I'm asking you for some

real breakthroughs in relationships.

Now.

I'm asking you to pray. Say Lord, help me to

listen better to the people in my life. Help me

to look at people with love in my eyes. Help

me to invest as much time as needed, not get

in a hurry, to be patient, to take the time

for meaningful conversation. Help me to not be too busy

to talk. Help me to share what they are feeling,

not my solution. Keep me from being a fast fixer.

Help me to tune.

Into any hidden hurt or any hidden fear that's behind

the words. And sometimes I need to ignore the words

and just look at the feelings. Help me to engage

people in my life with open ended questions and help

me to never judge until I have all all the

facts and then, Lord, in speaking to people in my life,

help me to save my words for the best time

and place. Help me to pray and plan what to say,

how to say it, when to say it. I want

to be smart, I want to be intelligent. And help

me to empathize with their needs first, not my agenda,

not my hurt, not my frustration. Help me to affirm

the positive alternative, not to tell it like it is,

but to tell it like it It.

Could be.

The dream, the vision, the goal, the hope for our relationship.

And help me to keep calm and not argue. Jesus,

I need your spirit to do this. I can't do

this on my own, but I want to, and I'm

asking for your help. If you've never invited Christ in

your life, said Jesus, Christ, come into my life right

now and be the be the chairman of the board,

the manager of my life, I humbly ask this in

your name.

Amen.

Hi everybody, this is Rick and I hope you enjoyed

today's broadcast. You know, if you just prayed that prayer

for the very first time, or you just recommitted your

life to Jesus again today, would you let me know

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write me Rick at pastor Rick dot com and say, Rick,

I prayed that prayer of commitment, I gave my life

to Christ. And I'll send you some material that will

help you on your journey with Jesus. And I'll also

pray for you. God bless you.

What a great message from Pastor Rick today. There's something

I always take away from his message. Here's Rick to

tell you how you can help support this ministry.

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