Rick Warren - How To Reconcile a Relationship—Part One

Hello, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren.

We are so glad you're here with us today. We're

going to continue our series called The Keys to a

Blessed Life.

Now.

In these messages, Rick walks through Jesus' Sermon on the

Mount and shows us how to live a truly hopeful

and purpose filled life. So let's see what God has

for us today with part one of how to Reconcile

a relationship.

One of the most important life skills that you have

to learn in life. You must learn this is conflict resolution,

how to resolve a conflict and how to restore or

reconcile a strained or broken relationship. If you don't learn

this one, you're going to spend a lot of your

life miserable. Because we're imperfect people. We're all different, and

so we have conflict almost every day of our lives.

If you run from conflict, if you try to get

away from it, it's not going to work, and you're

going to be miserable and unhappy much of your life. Now,

this is an important skill you have to use. How

to resolve a conflict at work. You got to know

how to resolve a conflict in your marriage. You got

to know how to resolve a conflict of your parent,

with children, with friends, in the community, at church, in

a small group, literally everywhere.

Here's the problem. Nobody taught you how to do it. Nobody.

You certainly didn't learn it from your parents. The truth

is they might not have even been a very good

model of conflict resolution because nobody taught them. You never

had a class in school on how do you resolve conflict?

How do you work it out? You didn't ever take

a class on how do you restore a broken relationship?

And yet this is one of the most important skills

to your happiness in life. But since you're here today,

you picked a good week to come to church, and

I highly recommend that you take notes because what we're

going to look at today are the seven steps of

how to resolve a conflict and restore a broken relationship.

You may not need this now, but you are going

to need it at some point in your life.

So take notes, and you're.

Going to need to pass it on to friends, to

co workers, to your own children, because nobody's teaching them

how to resolve conflict either. Now we've been in this

series on the eight Beatitudes of Jesus. Jesus says there

are eight conditions for being blessed by God. It's the

first ten or twelve verses of the Sermon on the Mountain,

and Jesus says, if you do these eight things, you

will have God's blessing on your life, on your relationships,

on your finances, on your time, on your health, on

all these different areas. Blessings come from these things. And

when we come to Matthew chapter five, verse nine, we

come to the next to the last beatitude, and it

says this God blesses those who are peacemakers. Peacemakers, for

they peacemakers will be called the children of God.

The mark that you.

Are really a child of God, the proof that you

are on your way to heve. And one of the

characteristics of a true believer is you're a peacemaker. Now,

let me just start by telling you what peacemaking is not.

You might write these down. It's not avoiding, and it's

not appeasing. It's not avoiding and it's not appeasing. It

means some people they will lie. I keep peace in

my marriage. I just don't rock the boat. I sweep

everything on the rug. I swallow it, I grin and

bear it. That's not peacemaking. That's cowardice. That doesn't help

at all. So peacemaking is not running or avoiding running

from the problem. It's not appeasing. Appeasing means I always

give in, they always get their way. It's peace at

any price. Appeasement is not peacemaking. That's called codependency. Jesus

Christ never ran from a legitimate conflict. He knew how

to deal with it face on, and how to resolve

it and how to restore a relationship. Now, the Bible

says God blesses those who are peacemakers. Do we need

peacemakers in our world today? We definitely need this message,

not just in the world, but in our own personal lives. Now,

what I want to do this weekend is teach you

what you've never been taught before school or anywhere else,

and that is the seven steps according to God for

resolving a conflict and restoring a broken relationship. That doesn't

mean you get back with your ex It means that

you bury the hatchet. It means you make peace, that

it's no longer resentment there now before we go into

these steps. I want to just quickly mention three reasons

why this oughto matter to you, because you don't realize

how much unresolved conflict messes up your life. Some of

you have been in a conflict to somebody for weeks

or months, or years or even decades, and you just said, well,

I'm just gonna let it slide. I've been out of

fellowship with my dad since who knows when, or my mom,

or my brother or my sister, and you just let

it slide, not realizing the damage it.

Actually does to your life.

The Bible says that when you don't resolve a conflict,

when you just let it lay out there, pretend like

it's not happening, you try to get on with your

life without ending that conflict, three things happen.

Write these down. Number one.

The first problem with unresolved conflict, it blocks my fellowship

with God. It blocks my fellowship with God. You cannot

be right with God and wrong with other people. The

horizontal and vertical relationships in your life come together at

an intersection, and God says, I can't be right with

God and wrong with you.

What That's exactly what he says.

God says that I can't claim to be close to

God if I'm distant from somebody in my life that

I've got a conflict with. It is an amazing thing. Now,

the Bible says this in First John chapter four. You

can't love God whom you've never seen if you don't

love the people you do see to claim that you

love God, well, hating others makes you a liar.

That's pretty clear.

He's saying, I can't say me and God we're like

this when you and me are like this stand off

in conflict with each other. Number two, it not only

blocks my fellowship with God, it blocks my prayers. It

keeps my prayers from being answered. Did you know that

when you're out of whack in relationships, the Bible says,

God cannot hear your prayers. They are connected together.

Why?

Because God is love and the number one thing God

wants you to learn on this planet while you're here

is to learn how to love. And if you're in

conflict with people, you certainly aren't loving them at that moment. Now, guys,

let me just point out something that's a little scary

for those of us who are husbands. First Peter, Chapter three,

verse seven husbands. Be considerate of your wives and treat

them with respect so that nothing hinders your prayers. Are

you telling me, Rick that if I'm out of fellowship

with my wife and I'm not treating or the respect,

God is not hearing my prayers. That's exactly what I'm

telling you, because that's what the Bible says. There is

a connection between the horizontal and vertical relationships. Love God

with all your heart, and love your neighbors yourself. There's

a third reason why you need to resolve conflict is

because it blocks my happiness.

Now you know this in personal experience.

You can be the most famous and wealthiest celebrity on

the planet, and if your relationship stink, life stinks. You

can accomplish all kinds of things and get your picture

on the cover of Time magazine and be awarded all

kinds of awards for your accomplishments. But if your marriage

isn't working, or you're out of harmony with your kids,

or you don't really have any close friends, or you're

out of fellowship with your own family, it doesn't matter

how much money you make. You know you can go

on a family vacation to bora bora or Tahiti. And

if you have a bunch of arguments there, it doesn't

matter how beautiful it is. It's not a happy time.

It's just not happy.

Now.

The Bible says this in James chapter three, verse eighteen.

Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and

reap a harvest of goodness. I want God's goodness in

your life.

How do you do that? You plant seeds of peace.

We're gonna look at the seven seeds of peace that

you can plant.

Now.

This is the law of sowing and reaping, or planting

and harvesting. It's one of the universal laws in all

of the universe. God designed the universe that what you sow,

you reap. Now, this is true for good or bad.

If you sow gossip, people going to gossip about you.

If you sow anger in your children, they're going to

be angry at you. If you sow bitterness, you're gonna

get bitterness back. If you sow resentment, you get resent

in the back. Works good either way. If you're generous

with people, people will be generous with you. If you're

kind with people, people will be kind to you. If

you're generous with praise, people will be generous with praise.

But here's the interesting thing about sewing and reaping. You

don't get back exactly what you put out. You get

back more of the same. If you plant one kernel

of corn, you don't get one kernel of corn back.

You get a stalk with thousands of kernels of corn.

If you plant one tomato seed, you don't get one

tomato seed back, you get dozens of tomatoes and thousands

of seeds. So whatever you plant, if you plant conflict,

you're gonna reap more conflict than you can imagine. And

if you plant jealousy, you'll get that back. On the

other hand, if you learn how to plant seeds of peace,

which I'm going to teach you how to do today,

your life's going to be a lot of peace. Okay,

let's look at these seven steps to resolving conflict, and

you can use this in.

Any area of your life.

Number One, you want to be a peacemaker, make the

first move. You make the first move. You don't wait

on somebody else. You take the initiative. Now I know

what you're thinking. Anything, well, you know it's all their fault.

And when they come to me, then I'll be glad.

To face the conflict and deal with it. No, God says,

he expects you to make the first step. That's what's

called being a peace maker. Not a peace keeper, but

a peace maker. Now listen, God says, reconciliation in your relationships,

having harmony in your relationships is so important. God says,

it's more important than worship. It's more important than you

coming to church. Don't everybody leave it once. But if

you've got somebody that you're out of whack with right now,

there's something more important than actually you listening to me.

Here's what Jesus said in Matthew chapter five, verse twenty three.

This is still in the Sermon on the Mount verse

twenty three and twenty four. If you're standing before the

altar in the temple and you're giving an offering to

God and you suddenly remember somebody has something against you.

It doesn't matter if you've got something against them or

they got something against you. You leave your offering there

beside the altar, go at once, and first be reconciled.

Circle the phrase, first be reconciled. That's to be the

top priority in your life. First be reconciled to that person.

Then come and offer your gift to God. Now, this

is Jesus talking.

So if you.

Leave during the offering today, we'll know why you're leaving. Okay,

you got something to go work out with somebody else.

But notice it says.

Leave your offering. Guy, I said, leave your offering there.

Besides the alter, go at once and be reconciled that person. Now,

how many of you have ever had an argument with

somebody on the way to church in the car, get

to see your hands. Yeah, most us. I've had it many, many,

many times. And the Bible says it would actually be

better for you to sit in the car and work

out that disagreement than for you to come in and

hear me teach. It's that important. It's that important. Reconciliation

takes priority. And when he says when do you do it,

you do it at once. He says it once. You

don't procrastinate, you don't postpone, you don't delay, you don't

make excuses.

Now again, you have.

Some relationship conflicts in your life that have gone on

for months or years or longer. God says, don't do that.

You don't realize how much it's hurting you spiritually. Now

it doesn't matter whether you are the offended person or

you are the offender, or it's a little of both.

God says, you make the first move. It's always your move. Now,

I have to admit early in my marriage, I didn't

get this. I didn't understand it. I ran from conflict

all the time. I never did one. There was a

guy in them in the musical Oliver called the artful Dodger.

That was me.

And Kay would throw an issue at me and I'd

duck and I'd dodge, and she'd throw another issue and

I'd duck and dodge because I did not want to

get into any kind of conflict. You know, in every marriage,

there are skunks and there are turtles. Skunks, when they

get upset, they stink the place up. If you're a skunk,

you let everybody know when you're unhappy. Turtles, on the

other hand, pull into a shell and hide when there

is conflict. Now, skunks always marry turtles always, So I'm

not telling you which ones which in your marriage. But

want to use the skunk and want to use the turtle,

and it's hiding and hurling. That's what we do together.

Conflict is never resolved accidentally. It just doesn't happen intentional.

You gotta make the move. Conflict never resolves itself. Now

you've heard the expression time heals all things.

That's a bunch of baloney. That's not true. Time heals nothing.

If you've got answering, so I think I'll just wait

for it to get better, it's not gonna get better.

It's gonna get worse.

If you get shot in the side and you're bleeding

to death, you think time heals everything. I think I'll

just wait this one out. No, when you have a wound,

it gets worse. It festers, it gets pussy, it gets infected.

Time has never healed anything in your life. It only

makes it worse. And if you hold onto resentment and bitterness.

It doesn't get better.

It gets worse over the years, and you get more hardened,

and your heart gets harder and hard If time healed everything,

you'd never need to.

Go to a doctor. You could just go sit in

the waiting room.

To say, well, you know, I don't need to see

the doctor. I'll be here twelve hours and my flu

will be gone, or my back will automatically heals us out.

Time heals nothing, And the more you put it off

the worse the problem gets. Now, I want you to

write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict

is to face it.

Write that down.

The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it.

You can't go around it, over it, underneath it, behind it.

You've got to go through it. And I'm going to

teach you how to do this with the minimal amount

of pain. You have to make the decision. I'm going

to resolve the issue.

Now. What causes us.

To postpone and procrastinate over issues that we know when

we're out of whack with somebody at work or at home,

or in our family, whatever. Well, the answer is one word.

It is fear.

Fear.

We're always afraid of conflict. I've seen very masculine, manly

marines who would die in a battlefield shrink in terror

when their wife says four words, we need to talk.

Those four words put the fear of God in every

human male. We need to talk because people don't like conflict. Now,

this fear of conflict is as old as the first couple,

Adam and Eve. Adam and he disobeyed God. They got

out of fellowship with God.

That were out of whack with him. And here's what

the Bible says.

In Genesis three, Adam said to God, I heard you

in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked,

and so I hid. Now, notice he says, I'm afraid

because I was naked. What's he talking about. I feel vulnerable,

I feel exposed. I'm not covered up. So I was

afraid and I hid. And men have been hiding from women,

and women have been hiding from men ever since. In relationships,

we hide and we hurl, and we're afraid.

What is it that we're afraid.

We're afraid of vulnerability, we're afraid of being exposed. And

that does three things. It makes you distant, It makes

you demanding, and it makes you defensive. First, when you're

afraid in a relationship, you get defensive and somebody brings

something up, and then you get defensive about it, and

you're afraid to reveal your true self and you get distant.

And what happens is we withdraw and we hide, and

we build walls. We become distant, and then we become demanding.

The more insecure you are, the more you try to

control things in your life. And the most controlling people

of the most insecure people, and the more insecure you

are in a relationship, the more demanding and defensive and

distant you can become because you don't want to let

get close to you. Some people think I've talked to

some singles if adults who think, you know, the worst

thing in my life is that I didn't get married. No,

that is not the worst thing in your life. A

far worst thing would be to get married and then

live in emotional distance from the person you're married.

To the rest of your life.

And we see it all the time when the very

person you're supposed to be one with you're sharing, holding

back secrets from and you can't reveal the true you,

and you've been married to him for twenty years, you

still can't be honest, can't be open, can't be vulnerable.

That was what fear does.

Fear keeps us from connecting at a deep level. What

is it that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of your rejection.

I'm afraid you're going to misunderstand me. I'm afraid that

I might say something in a conflict that you're going

to come back and use against me later on. And

it keeps us from disconnecting at a real level. Why

am I afraid to tell you what I'm really feeling

about this problem? Because I'm all I've gotten. You don't

like me, That's it. Where do you find the courage

to make the first move? You keep waiting on somebody

else resolve the conflict. They're waiting on you and peacemakers.

Take the issue.

Where do you get the courage to deal with your

dad or your mom, or your brother or your sister

or a child, or your husband or your wife, or

an ex or something. Where do you get that courage?

It's only one place, the Holy Spirit.

You know, people are being transformed by these messages. In fact,

here's Rick with a letter from one of our listeners today.

I've got a quick note from a listener in Minneapolis.

His name is Bill, and Bill wrote to me, Rick,

I want to let you know that I prayed with

you this morning, accepting God into my life.

Wow. That's great.

Daily hope has become the way that I start each

day listening to your podcast. So much has changed in

my life over the past year. I had a job loss,

I had a transition, I had a divorce, my dad

passed away cancer, and my faith all in the same year.

I'm so thankful for all that you do.

Well.

Bill, I want to tell you, I know you've been

going through some really tough times this past year, but

there's no greater news than hearing that you've accepted Jesus

into your life. And the fact that God used the

Daily Hope podcast to lead you.

To Him is such a blessing.

And I want you to know that as you continue

to study God's word every day, you're going to find

that your faith is growing and you'll see God actively

working in your life. And I really am as excited

to think about what the next year is going to bring.

Year two in your life will be very different than

the last year. And to the rest of you, all

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