Rick Warren - How To Reconcile a Relationship—Part Two

Hello, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren.

We are so glad you're here with us.

Today.

We're going to continue our series called The Keys to

a Blessed Life. And when these messages, Rick walks through

Jesus' Sermon on the Mount and shows us how to

live a truly hopeful and purpose filled life. And we're

continuing with part two of how to reconcile a relationship.

The Bible says there is no fear in love. Now

God is love. If you get full of God, the

fear is going to go. What motivates a normally rational

person to run into a burning building because they know

a baby's in there and the fear is overcome by

their love for that child. We never change until our

love exceeds our fear. We never change until the pain

exceeds our fear. And so the starting point is to say, God,

I need you to fill me with your love, because

perfect love casts out all fear. The Bible says this

in two Timothy one seven. It says God has not

given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a

spirit of power and love and self discipline. So everything

I'm going to teach you today the steps, and they're

very practical. Steps cannot be done unless you get filled

with God's love because it is the love of God

that's going to eliminate the fear. And then you have

the courage to make the first step. How do you

get that love? You ask God for it. So here's

the second step, Ask God for wisdom. You've made the decision. Okay,

I'm not gonna let this thing go anymore. I'm not

gonna let it fester. I'm gonna deal with this conflict

that's been under the surface for so many years or months,

and I'm going to ask God for wisdom. The Bible

says in James chapter one that if we ask God

for wisdom, God will give it to us James one,

verse five. If you want to know what God wants

you to do, ask him and he will gladly tell you.

So the first thing you do is you make decisions.

I'm not going to go along with this unresolved anymore.

I don't want to be out of fellowship of God.

I don't want my prayers unanswered. I don't want to

be unhappy. I don't want to be miserable. So I'm

going to take the first step. I'm not gonna wait

on them, and then I'm gonna say God, I really

need your help. I need you to fill me with

love because I'm scared to death and God, I don't

know what to say. I don't know when to say it.

I don't know where to say it. I don't know

what's the best time. You plan a peace conference, and

you find a time when it's good for them, not

when you're tired. By the way, never have a conflict

resolution while you're in bed, save that for other things

in bed. If you start having a conflict about half

the time you go through, you start to get to

major point you're gonna hear and that kind of ruins it.

So don't use the bedroom for your conflict area. But

you get where you're alone, where you're not in a

public spot where people can be real, and you say, okay, God,

what do you want me to say? Where do I

say it? When's the right time to say it? And

you ask God for help. Soa God, I don't want

to be out of whack with you. I don't want

to be out I don't be on have my prayers

an answered? So I want to deal with this issue. Now.

I'm sure that even as I've just started talking to

you about this, you're already thinking about somebody in your

life that you know there's a strain in that relationship.

It's likely somebody in your family or in your marriage,

parents' kids, or maybe somebody at work. So I want

to stop right here, and as your pastor who loves you,

I want to pray that God will give you the

courage to take the next steps we're about to do. Okay,

let's bow our heads. Father, you know that we're all

scared to death of conflict. Nobody who's rational likes it.

And yet you have said that it's more important than

worship that we actually go get something right with somebody

that we're out of harmony with. And Lord, we know

you're not saying go back and you know, rebuild a relation,

remarry us, an acts or whatever. You're just saying, bury

the hatchet, make peace, bring harmony. And I pray that

you would give my people, the people here in our church,

the courage to reconcile, the courage to deal with tough

issues that have been pushed under the carpet and swept

into the corner and pretended like they were not happening. Lord,

help us to face what we're pretending not to know.

Help us to be real, and help us to have integrity.

And God give us the right place, the right time,

and the right thing to say, and help us to

come with the right attitude, ready to reconcile. In your name,

I pray Amen. Guys Men, maybe the most manly masculine

thing you do this week is man up and deal

with a conflict that's been brewing that you know you

need to deal with. So after I've made the decision

to make the first move and I've asked God for help,

now we get to the real practical stuff. And that's

number three. I begin with what's my fault? When we

get together and we have this peace conference. I don't

start with what you've done wrong. I don't start with

a bunch of accusations. I don't start with the ways

I've been hurt. We'll get to that, But you start

with beginning with what's my fault. Now, the conflict maybe

ninety nine point their fault, but you can find something

to confess. You can find something that was your mistake,

even if it was in your poor respet reponse, maybe

even in your defensiveness. But you begin with what is

your fault? And instead of accusing, and instead of excusing yourself,

and instead of attacking, and instead of blaming other people,

I first look at what's going on inside me. Now,

I want you to listening very important. The Bible says

there are two causes of conflict, and the first cause

of conflict is self centeredness. It's what's going on inside

of me. See, if I'm filled with peace, almost nothing

upsets me. If I'm filled with love, almost nothing irritates me.

If I'm filled with Jesus, almost nothing ticks me off.

On the other hand, if I'm filled with me, ego, pride,

self centeredives, anything can tick me off, anything can make

me mad, anything can irritate me. You can do the

smallest little thing. And if I'm full of myself, you

can hurt my feelings very very quick. And so it

all depends on what's inside me. And if I'm at

peace with me and I'm at peace with God, other

things just don't upset me because I'm at peace. So

God is saying that the real source of the conflict

and stress in your life is not all those jerks

you work with. It's what's going on inside of you?

Because if you were at peace, they wouldn't bother you.

They wouldn't bother you. So the first cause of conflict

is self centeredness. You see, I want what I want

when I want it, and you want what you want

when you want it, and when my wants bump up

against your Once we got a problem, friend, and there's conflict.

Here's what the Bible says, James, Chapter four, Verse one.

What causes fights? What fought causes fights and quarrels? You know,

conflict among you? They are caused by all the jerks

around you. Doesn't say that. It says they are caused

by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside you.

The conflict that you're having with other people is inside you.

It actually starts in you. As I said, why don't

you write this down? When I'm at peace inside, what's

outside doesn't upset me. When I'm at peace inside inside me,

I'm at peace with God, I'm at peace with myself.

What's outside me just doesn't tick me off. Now. It

doesn't mean I don't agree with everything that I see.

There's a lot I disagree with. It just doesn't upset me.

It doesn't mean I don't think there are things that

need to be changed. There are a lot that needs

to be changed around me and in my relationships. It

just means I don't get distressed. I can disagree without

being And you are distressed not by the people around you.

You were distressed by what's going on inside you and

that response to the people around you. You can disagree

without being distressed. You know, when I used to do

marriage counseling, and I couldn't count the number of marriages

I helped and tried to help. The number one reason

people gave for divorcing was this pastor we're just quote incompatible.

That was their reason. We're just incompatible, friends. There's no

such thing as incompatibility. It's a term made up by

divorce attorneys to justify divorce. We're all incompatible because we're

all different. Nobody's going to be completely compatible with you,

because nobody's exactly like you. So no matter who you're

with and who you married, you're gonna be incompatible. The

truth is, you can get along with anybody that you

choose to get along with, and you can choose to

love anybody that you choose to love. Now, if I

were to summarize thousands of hours of marriage counseling in

two words, this is going to save you a lot

of money. Here are the two words you need to

hear that will make your marriage a success. Grow up,

Stop being irritating little immature. I won't say the word.

It's immaturity that causes marriage to die. It's not incompatibility.

It's inflexibility. I want what I want and I want

it now, and you want what you want. And neither

of us are old enough, mature enough, smart enough, spiritual

enough to change. And I am willing to let this

thing die. Then change, and you're willing to let this died.

Than change has nothing to do with incompatibility. If incompatibility

was actually a concept, then exhibit A. Are Rick and k

Warren because we are the exact opposite in every DNA

cell in our body. We it's oh blad do you?

Oh blad? Die? You say hi, I say low, you

say why, I say I don't know. It's just we

are on the opposite extremes in every area. We have

different backgrounds, we have different you know, look at life differently,

different temperaments. We are so opposite of each other. Now Actually,

the marriages that are hardest are where people are too

much alike, because after a while they get bored with

each other. The greater your differences in your marriage, the

greater your potential for growth. I'll say it again, the

greater your differences in marriage, the greater your potential for growth.

And the primary purpose of marriage is not to make

you happy, but to make you holy, to make you

like Jesus. And I have learned more from my wife

because she's so different from me than anybody else. You

can learn from anybody. If you're willing to be humble,

you can grow, and you can love, and you can

learn to love anybody. It's not a matter of incompatibility.

It's a matter of maturity. Am I willing to grow up?

Am I willing to be unselfish? Am I willing to

be flexible? And am I willing to learn? Or would

I rather die than do that? I want you to

write this sentence down. Okay, write this down. It's always

more rewarding. Write this down. It's always more rewarding to

resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's always

more rewarding to resolve a conflict than dissolve a relationship.

Kay and I had so many problems in our early

years and marriage. We would be divorced if it weren't

for Jesus. And what would have happened if we had

given in to those desires to divorce in our early years.

I wouldn't have the children I've got, I wouldn't have

the grandchildren I've got. There would be no saddle backed church,

and many of you would still not be headed for heaven.

I think of the blessings in the world that would

have been missed if I had listened to my fears

or kid listen to her fears. It's always more rewarding

to resolve the conflict than to dissolve the relationship. So

our nature is natural to be self centered. I don't

think about me, are you? I think about me? And

by the way, you don't think about me, you're thinking

about you. You're thinking about you right now? What does

this mean to me? And it isn't really helpful to me?

And the point is, oh, you're you're getting that all right.

It's my nature to be self centered, and it's my

nature to be stubborn. And if I'm going to have

a good relationship, friendship, work relationship, client relationship, marriage relationship,

parenting relationship. I gotta think less about me and more

about you. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible

makes it very clear, is self centered as selfishness. The

second cause of conflict is pride. And in pride, I'm stubborn,

and in pride, I get my feelings hurt easily. Humble

people don't get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do. They

get their feelings hurt all the time. Proverbs thirteen ten

says this pride. Let's read it aloud together. Pride only

leads to arguments? And where is that verse found? Proverbs

thirteen ten. Now that's such a short verse. That's going

to be our memory verse this week, so we can

learn this one. You can use this one. So let's

say it aloud together. Proverbs thirteen ten. Pride only leads

to arguments? And where's that Proverbs thirteen ten. You're gonna

need this one, by the way, what's this? Proverbs thirteen

ten say, pride only leads to arguments? And where's that found?

Proverbs thirteen ten. That was the first verse that Kay

and I memorized in our marriage. We memorized it on

the honeymoon. Why because we needed it on the honeymoon.

We were already at each other's throats fighting on the honeymoon.

We are so different. I want to do this, and

I want to do that, and you want to do this,

you want to do that. And we had to memorize

that verse before a week of our marriage was up.

And it has helped us many, many times. Pride only

leads to arguments. Now of a conflict you're in right now,

and if you're in a log jam, and maybe you've

been in this conflict with your mother or your father,

or your wife or husband or friend or somebody, you've

been in it for years, and you're in a logjam anything.

Nothing is ever happening here. There's no movement. We're not

making any progress. I am going to give you a

secret miracle sentence that will break any logjam in any argument, guaranteed.

I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that

will break a logjam in any conflict, if you'll use it.

Are you ready? Here it is. I'm sorry, I was

only thinking of myself. Now, when your spouse wakes up

from fainting, you can say it again. I'm sorry, I

was only thinking of myself and they'll faint again when

they wake up. Then you can actually start dealing with

when was the last time you said that to somebody?

Have you ever said that in your marriage? No? And

yet how many times were you only thinking of yourself

on a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase. You

need to memorize and get over your pride which causes conflict,

and begin to say in somebody, your husband or your

wife says something to you and you start to get

defensive about it and distant and demanding. You just say,

I'm sorry, I was only thinking of myself, and you

watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon,

and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down. Now,

the reason you need to learn to say that is

because you have what's called blind spots in your life.

The blind spots are the weaknesses you don't see in

your life. You have a lot of weaknesses that you

know about, and you know about those weaknesses in your life.

Those aren't blind spots because you can see them. The

blind spots are the weaknesses you can't see. That's why

they're called blind spots, because you can't see them. You

have weaknesses in your life you have never seen. Now

we all see them. We can see them real clearly.

We can see your weakness is really clear. You don't

have to defend them because you don't even know they're there.

They are your blind spots. And that's why you need

other people in your life who can actually point out

to you what you cannot see. Your blind spots. Those

are weaknesses. You don't even have any idea. You're clueless

that you have that weakness. That's why you need to

come to conflict with a humble heart.

Such a great message from Pastor Rick today, and I

hope you were just as encouraged as I was.

Once again, here here's Rick. Hello everybody. This is Rick

and I have just returned from Amsterdam where I was

at a conference where we had over six thousand church

leaders pastors from all around the world. Literally one hundred

and forty nations came to Amsterdam for a week of

training where we were teaching them about the good news

of Jesus Christ and more importantly, how to share the

good news of Jesus Christ and help finishing the task

around the world in the next ten years. That's the

goal to get the Gospel to every person in the

world in the next ten years, by twenty thirty three,

which is the two thousandth birthday of Christianity. And you

know what was the most exciting to me is that

people came to me from all around the world. Like

I said, one hundred and forty nations and said, I

listened to Daily Hope every day in Kazakhstan, in Bhutan,

in Bolivia, in Namibia, on every continent. I heard time

and time again, Pastor Rick, the Word of God is

changing my life. Friends, That's what Daily Hope is all about.

And for me, since I get your letters and I

love to read your letters, and I love to hear

your stories, but to be face to face with about

six thousand people who are listening to Daily Hope on

a regular basis and hearing how it's changed their lives

and influenced their ministries, it just makes me want to say,

to all of you who pray for this ministry and

all of you who support this ministry, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, for

your gifts, for your support. You're making a difference. When

you get to Heaven, You're going to meet people in

heaven who've come to Christ because you prayed and because

you gave.

Be sure to join us next time as we look

into God's Word for our daily hope. This program is

sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial

support