Rick Warren - How To Reconcile A Relationship—Part Three

Hello, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren.

We are so glad you're here with us.

Today.

We're going to continue our series called the Keys to

a Blessed Life. And in these messages, Rick walks through

Jesus's Sermon on the Mount and shows us how to

live a truly hopeful and purpose filled life. And here's

part three of how to reconcile a relationship.

Here's what Jesus says.

Notice this verse Matthew seven, Verses three and five, same

Sermon on the Mount.

He says, why do.

You notice the little speck of dust in your friend's eye,

but you don't notice the big piece of wood in

your own eye? First take the wood out of your

own eye, and then you'll be able to see clearly.

That's the blind spots. To take the dust out of

your friend's eye. Now, guys, you don't understand this, because

two thousand years later we don't understand Hebrew humor. But

that sentence is a joke. It's humor. You may not

realize this, but the Sermon on the Mount is filled

with laughlines. Jesus told a lot of jokes, and he

used a lot of humor in his preaching. We just

don't understand it because we don't think in Hebrew humor

from two thousand years ago. Hebrew humor is humor by exaggeration,

and so Jesus is. When he would tell stuff, he

would awfully throw in a laughline. The Sermon on the

Mount's filled with some funny stuff. We just don't get it.

For instance, when Jesus says, you've heard this one. It's

easier for the camel, a camel to go through an

eye of a needle than for a rich man to

hold onto his money and to get into heaven. Now,

when Jesus said that, they died laughing. They go, oh, Lord,

that's a good one. A camel going through an eye

of a needle. Yeah right, that's you know, that's obviously impossible.

Okay. And they're like, oh Lord, that you're too funny.

That's hilarious. You know.

When Jesus says, hey, you know those religious leaders over there,

they strain at a gnat and then they swallow a camel.

Oh Lord, you're killing me. Lord, that's too much.

This guy should be on comedy club in a try

the liver. I'm here, no Friday, I mean it's great,

you know, Oh lord, that's just you've unstrained it a

gnat and swallow.

Aka, it's a funny line. Now we don't get it.

We're going now the meaning Greek meaning of the word

gnat sh right over our heads, totally oblivious to it.

Jesus is using.

Humor and sarcasm to make a point. And here he's saying, hey, guys,

before you get the speck of sawdust out of your

wife's eye, why don't you get the telephone poll out

of yours?

Oh lord, you're killing me, oh too much? Please stop.

I'm dying. I'm dying. You know. He's telling humor. Now

here's the point.

He's saying, you need to confess your part of the

conflict first. So I need to say when I come

to you in this piece thing, I don't.

Start with you. I don't start with all the ways

you've hurt me. I don't.

We'll get to that, we'll get to that. But I

just start with me, and I go, have I been unrealistic?

And now I'm asking myself. Am I being insensitive? That's

caused conflict? Am I being oversensitive and that's caused conflict?

Am I being ungrateful, and I just haven't showed gratitude

to this person, and that's hurting.

Am I being over demanding? You just do an honest

evaluation and say what are my blind spots? All right?

Then once you've done that, you've confessed your part of

the problem.

Number four.

I listen for their hurt and perspective. I listen for

their hurt and their perspective. Now it's very important I

listen for hurt because there's always hurt in a conflict.

We think we argue over ideas, but we actually argue

over emotion.

We argue over feelings.

And anytime there's a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt.

Somebody felt abused, somebody felt slighted. It's not the idea

that causes the conflict, it's the emotion behind the idea.

How many times have you heard me say? Hurt people

hurt people? In other words, the more I'm hurting, the

more I lash out at everybody else. People aren't hurting,

don't hurt others. People who are filled with love are

loving to others. People who are filled with joy are

joyful to others. People who are at peace or at

peace with everybody else but if I'm hurting inside, I'm

going to hurt you. And the more I hurt, the

more I'm going to hurt you, the more I'm gonna

lash out. The people who need love the most are

those who deserve it the least. The people who are

most obnoxious and irritating and just you don't even want

to be around them, Those are people who need massive

doses of love. Hurt people, hurt people. I mean, well,

my mom hurt me, Well, you need to know why

she was hurting.

My dad hurt me.

You need to know the hurt that caused him to

hurt you. Hurt people, hurt people. Now, I want to

tell you this principle. It doesn't matter if it's in

a marriage, or if it's in the marketplace, or if

it's in the Middle East. When people feel they're not

listened to, when people feel slighted, when people are robbed

of their dignity, they get mad. Doesn't matter if it's

on the border or if it's in Ukraine or anywhere

else that there's a conflict. When people feel their dignity

is destroyed, when people feel they're not being listened to,

they're not being paid attention to, they're not being valued.

They get mad like a cat pushed back into a corner.

And if you want to connect with people, you must

start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests. You

want to be a good salesman, you don't start with

your product.

You start with.

Their need, their hurts, and their interests. Interest you want

to be a good professor or pastor or anything. You

start with their needs, their hurts, their interests. Not what

you have to share, but what they need. If you

want to connect with people, that's where it starts. So

you listen for their hurt and you're actually listening behind

the words. It's not what they say in an argument that.

You need to listening.

You need listen to the emotion behind the words. The

emotion's far more important because people will say one thing,

but they're feeling something else, like how you doing it?

I'm fine. I'm fine means I'm not fine in a

lot of cases.

James Chapter one, verse nineteen says this be quick to listen,

slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Now, if

you do the first two, the third is automatic. If

you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak,

you will be slow.

To get angry.

On the other hand, if you have a trigger temper

and you get angry.

Really fast, I'll tell you why.

It's because you're not quick to listen and you're not

slow to speak. In fact, you're quick to speak and

slow to listen, and that's why you get angry. How

many times have I told you God gave you two

ears and one mouth. You should always listen twice as much.

As you speak.

And this is the next step in conflict management. You

listen to their hurt and you listen to their perspective.

Because you don't know their perspective. That's why there's conflict.

I want you to write this down. Always listen before speaking,

always always, always, always, always, always, always always always listen

before speaking. This is the key to diffusing conflict. You

listen before you speak, and then people feel validated when

you Your ears are actually love organs, because when you speak,

you're showing love by listening to them.

Now, so are your eyes.

When you look at people and you pay attention, you're

saying you matter to me, You're valuable, You're worth my attention.

Philippians two four.

And five says this, Each of you should look circle

the word look we'll come back to that minute. Each

of you should look not only to your own interest

but also to the interests of others, and your attitude

should be the same.

As that of Christ.

Jesus, what is he saying you intentionally switch your focus

from your needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with

the way you look at the situation, the way you

see it. That word look there said, don't just look

at your own needs, look at the needs of the

person you're having a problem with. That word look is

the Greek word scopos. We get the word microscope. You

look at little things that you don't normally see. Telescope

you look at stars you can't see up closed. Scopos

means to focus, focus, and it says your attitude should

be the same as that of Jesus. Christ, you are

most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of

somebody else rather than your own. You are most like

Jesus when you're focus on the hurts of somebody else,

your child, your wife, your dad, your.

Client.

When you're focusing on somebody else's hurtsing you study your own,

that's when you're like Jesus. When Jesus is on the cross,

dying for the sins of all mankind. He's not focusing

on his pain. He's saying, Father, forgive them. They don't

know what they're doing. He's still focusing on us, even

in the middle of his pain. So he says, focus

scope us. Try to see their perspective before you go

mouthing off on your hurt, your need. Those are legitimate,

But go ahead and first try to focus on their perspective.

How do you do that by paying attention. There's an

old Chinese parable, a proverb that says, seek to understand

before seeking to be understood. That's what Jesus is saying here.

He's saying, before you see, we're so busy trying to

get the person we're in conflict with to see our position.

We're not listening to theirs. We're so busy speaking, We're

not listening to theirs, and where as a result, we

move further and further away. Now, let's just take an

example the people that you work with. And you have

some people who work with, and you think that one person,

they are so irritating to me. I just they every

time I get around them, my blood starts to boil.

I just don't even like being around them. And the

reason why is you don't scope us. You don't see

their circumstance, you don't see their temperament, and you don't

see their background. The people that you work with, the

more you understand them, the more patient you're going to be.

The less you understand the people you work with, the

more impatient you're gonna be. Why because it is human

nature when you're working with people that you tend we

tend to judge how far people have to go. We

look at it and go, man, they got a long

way to go before they start being mature, instead of

looking at how far they've come. When you look at

how far they've come, then you start cutting them some slack.

And if you scope us, you.

Actually take the time to get to know that jerk

and find out their temperament, their background, and the things

that they're going through their pressures, you'd cut them some slack.

You go, man, If I had had a father like that,

I'd probably be irritating too, if I had gone through

all the difficulty they went through, If I had experienced

that kind of prejudice, if I had experienced that kind

of bigotry, if I had understood the hurt. If I

had had that hurt in my life, I probably wouldn't

be as far along as they are. Stop looking at

how far people have to go and start looking at

how far people have come, and then you're listening for

their hurt and their effective. Now there are two areas.

The Bible says that you are commanded by God to

be patient with, to be understanding with, and to be

considerate of when you're dealing with anybody else. It's in

Romans chapter fifteen, verse two. We must be considerate of

the doubts and fears of others. Circle doubts and fears.

Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what

is for his good and thus build him up in

the Lord. Anytime somebody does something that you go that

doesn't make sense, why in the world are they doing that?

It's almost always a fear.

And if you just look at their behavior, you're going

to be quite judgmental. But if you look at their

fear and you find it out, you're going to be

a whole lot more understanding. We are to be considerate

of the doubts and fears of others.

That'll make you more patient. Here's the problem.

My fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal. Your fears

are stupid, They're irrational, they don't make sense. And that's

the way we feel my fears. There's a legitimate reason

why I'm afraid of this, and you ought to be

afraid too. You, on the other hand, your fears nn

and they just you just poo pull them away. Husbands,

do you pooh pooh the fears of your wife? Honey,

you shouldn't fear that way. That's very helpful, thank you. Listen,

all fears are irrational. All fears fears f e A R,

false evidence appearing real, and mine are as irrational as

yours are. We just have different ways of rationalizing them.

You know what rationalize means rational lies. We tell ourselves rational lies.

And he go said, mine's are natural, yours are unnatural

mine or normal? Yours are unnormal, Mine are legitimate, yours

are illegit. No, we must be considerate of the doubts

and fears of each other. And when you do that,

the conflict that's going to go down in your marriage,

and the conflict's going to go down with your kids,

and the conflict's going to go down with the people

you work with, and your customers and your clients. Okay,

number five, the fifth step. After I've I've admitted my

faults and I've listened for your hurts and perspective. Now

I speak the truth tactfully. Speak the truth tactfully. The

truth sets you free. But you've got to say it

with love. You've got to say it with kindness. You've

got to say it with tact People say, well, I

just tell it like it is. That's called being rude.

It means you don't really care about other people. You

just want to get it off your chest. Phesians four fifteen.

Speak the truth what in love?

The truth is not enough.

It's not just what you say, it's how you say it.

And if you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.

You must always speak truth to your children in love.

Parents.

The moment you start yelling at your kids, they're not

listening to a word you say. All they're hearing is

the emotion, and they will remember the emotion and will

not remember the words. It doesn't work. You are never

persuasive when you are abrasive. You never get your point

across by being cross. You're upset with the waitress or

the clerk.

Or anything like that.

Anytime you start acting in an irritating way, they're not

listening at all. You must speak the truth in love.

You never use truth as a club. People change faster

and people change easier when the truth. And it's often

difficult to receive the truth when it's wrapped in love.

I call it a truth burrito. You wrap it in

love so that people can receive the heart truth. Truth

without love is resisted, Truth with love is received. And

so it's not just what you say, it's how you

say it. Now, the Bible says in Proverbs twelve, verse eighteen,

reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of

the wise brings healing. Now, what's you say in there

in a conflict? Foolish words hurt, and wise words heal.

And it's your choice. You never get your point across

by being cross. It's all in the way you say it.

Such a great message by Rick today and every day.

I sure hope you were just as encouraged as I was.

And now here's Rick with an important message.

Hi, everybody, thanks so much for listening today. You know,

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