Rick Warren - How to Restore a Broken Relationship

Hello, everybody. One of the most important life skills that

you have to learn in life. You must learn this

is conflict resolution. How to resolve a conflict and how

to restore or reconcile a strained or broken relationship. If

you don't learn this one, you're going to spend a

lot of your life miserable. Because we're imperfect people. We're

all different, and so we have conflict almost every day

of our lives. If you run from conflict, if you

try to get away from it, it's not going to work,

and you're going to be miserable and unhappy much of

your life. Now, this is an important skill you have

to use. How to resolve a conflict at work. You

got to know how to resolve a conflict in your marriage.

You got to know how to resolve a conflict off

your parent, with children, with friends, in the community, at church,

in a small group, literally everywhere. Here's the problem. Nobody

taught you how to do it. Nobody. You certainly didn't

learn it from your parents. The truth is they might

not have even been a very good model of conflict

resolution because nobody taught them. You never had a class

in school on how do you resolve conflict, how do

you work it out? You didn't ever take a class

on how do you restore a broken relationship? And yet

this is one of the most important skills to your

happiness in life. But since you're here today, you picked

a good week to come to church, and I highly

recommend that you take notes, because what we're going to

look at today are the seven steps of how to

resolve a conflict and restore a broken relationship. You may

not need this now, but you are going to need

it at some point in your life. So take notes,

and you're going to need to pass it on to friends,

to co workers, to your own children, because nobody's teaching

them how to resolve conflict either. Now, we've been in

this series all summer on the Eight Beatitudes of Jesus.

Jesus says there are eight conditions for being blessed by God.

It's the first ten or twelve verses of the Sermon

on the Mountain, and Jesus says, if you do these

eight things, you will have God's blessing on your life,

on your relationships, on your finances, on your time, and

your health, on all these different areas. Blessings come from

these things and when we come to Matthew chapter five,

verse nine, we come to the next to the last beatitude,

and it says this, God blesses the who are peacemakers. Peacemakers,

for they peacemakers, will be called the children of God.

The mark that you are really a child of God,

the proof that you are on your way to heve.

And one of the characteristics of a true believer is

you're a peacemaker. Now, let me just start by telling

you what peacemaking is not. You might write these down.

It's not avoiding, and it's not appeasing. It's not avoiding

and it's not appeasing. It means some people they will lie.

I keep peace in my marriage. I just don't rock

the boat. I sweep everything on the rug. I swallow it,

I grin and bear it. That's not peacemaking. That's cowardice.

That doesn't help at all. So peacemaking is not running

or avoiding running from the problem. It's not appeasing. Appeasing

means I always give in. They always get their it's

peace at any price. Appeasement is not peacemaking. That's called codependency.

Jesus Christ never ran from a legitimate conflict. He knew

how to deal with it face on, and how to

resolve it, and how to restore a relationship. Now, the

Bible says, God blesses those who are peacemakers. Do we

need peacemakers in our world today? Hello? Right now, there

are five wars going on on our planet, five international wars.

I don't know the last time we had five of

them going on at the same time. That doesn't count

all the internal strife going on within nations. It doesn't

count strife at the border of our own nation. It

doesn't count all of the conflict going on between the sexes,

conflict going on between generations, conflict going on between races,

between religions, between political parties. It doesn't count all of

the conflict going on in cultures, between rich and poor,

between educated and uneducated men and women, and on and

on and on. We definitely need this message, not just

in the world, but in our own personal lives. Now,

what I want to do this weekend is teach you

what you've never been taught before in school or anywhere else,

and that is the seven steps according to God for

resolving a conflict and restoring a broken relationship. That doesn't

mean you get back with your ex. It means that

you bury the hatchet. It means you make peace, that

it's no longer resentment there. Now, before we go into

these steps, I want to just quickly mention three reasons

why this oughto matter to you, because you don't realize

how much unresolved conflict messes up your life. Some of

you have been in a conflict to somebody for weeks

or months, or years or even decades, and you just said, well,

I'm just gonna let it slide. I've been out of

fellowship with my dad since who knows when, or my mom,

or my brother or my sister, and you just let

it slide, not realizing the damage it actually does to

your life. The Bible says that when you don't resolve

a conflict, well you just let it lay out there,

pretend like it's not happened, and you try to get

on with your life without ending that conflict. Three things happen.

Write these down. Number one. The first problem with unresolved conflict,

it blocks my fellowship with God. It blocks my fellowship

with God. You cannot be right with God and wrong

with other people. The horizontal and vertical relationships in your

life come together at an intersection, and God says, I

can't be right with God and wrong with you. That's

exactly what he says. God says that I can't claim

to be close to God if I'm distant from somebody

in my life that I've got a conflict with. It

is an amazing thing. Now. The Bible says it in

First John, chapter four, verse twenty. It's up here on

the screen. You can't love God, whom you've never seen.

If you don't love the people you do see. To

claim that you love God while hating others makes you

a liar. That's pretty clear. He's saying. I can't say

me and God we're like this when you and me

are like this stand off in conflict with each other.

Number two, it not only blocks my fellowship with God,

it blocks my prayers. It keeps my prayers from being answered.

Did you know that when you're out of whack in relationships?

The Bible says, God cannot hear your prayers. They are

connected together because God is love, and the number one

thing God wants you to learn on this planet while

you're here is to learn how to love and if

you're in conflict with people, you certainly aren't loving them

at that moment. Now, guys, let me just point out

something that's a little scary for those of us who

are husbands. Look at this verse on the screen first,

Peter three, verse seven. Husbands, be considerate of your wives

and treat them with respect so that nothing hinders your prayers.

Are you telling me, Rick that if I'm out of

fellowship with my wife and I'm not treating her with

the respect, God is not hearing my prayers. That's exactly

what I'm telling you, because that's what the Bible says.

There is a connection between the horizontal and vertical relationships.

Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbors yourself.

There's a third reason why you need to resolve conflict

is because it blocks my happiness. Now you know this

in personal experience. You can be the most famous and

wealthiest celebrity on the planet, and if your relationship stink,

life stinks. You can accomplish all kinds of things and

get your picture on the cover of Time magazine and

be awarded all kinds of awards for your accomplishments. But

if your marriage isn't working or you're out of harmony

with your kids, or you don't really have any close friends,

or you're out of fellowship with your own family. It

doesn't matter how much money you make. You know, you

can go on a family vacation to Bora Bora or

Tahiti and if you have a bunch of arguments there,

it doesn't matter how beautiful it is. It's not a

happy time. It's just not happy. Now. The Bible says

this in James Chapter three, verse eighteen. Those who are

peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest

of goodness. I want God's goodness in your life. How

do you do that? You plant seeds of peace. We're

gonna look at the seven seeds of peace that you

can plant. Now. This is the law of sowing and reaping,

or planting and harvesting. It's one of the universal laws

in all of the universe. God designed the universe that

what you sow, you reap. Now, this is true for

good or bad. If you sow gossip, people are going

to gossip about you. If you sow anger in your children,

they're going to be angry at you. If you sow bitterness,

you're gonna get bitterness back. If you sow resentment, you

get resented in the back. Works good either way. If

you're generous with people, people will be generous with you.

If you're kind with people, people will be kind to you.

If you're generous with praise, people will be generous with praise.

But here's the interesting thing about sowing and reaping. You

don't get back exactly what you put out. You get

back more of the same. If you plant one kernel

of corn, you don't get one kernel of corn back.

You get a stalk with thousands of kernels of corn.

If you plant one tomato seed, you don't get one

tomato seed back. You get dozens of tomatoes and thousands

of seeds. So whatever you plant, if you plant conflict,

you're going to read more conflict than you can imagine.

And if you plant jealousy, you'll get that back. On

the other hand, if you learn how to plant seeds

of peace, which I'm going to teach you how to

do today, your life's going to be a lot of

peace today. I've got a quick note from a listener

in Minneapolis. His name is Bill, and Bill wrote to me, Rick,

I want to let you know that I prayed with

you this morning accepting God into my life. Wow, that's great.

Daily Hope has become the way that I start each

day listening to your podcast. So much has changed in

my life over the past year. I had a job loss,

I had a transition, I had a divorce, my dad

passed away, cancer, and my faith all in the same year.

I'm so thankful for all that you do. Well. Bill,

I want to tell you, I know you've been going

through some really tough times this past year, but there's

no greater news than hearing that you've accepted Jesus into

your life. And the fact that God used the Daily

Hope podcast to lead you to Him is such a blessing.

And I want you to know that as you continue

to study God's word every day, you're going to find

that your faith is growing and you'll see God actively

working in your life. And I really am as excited

to think about what the next year is going to bring.

Year two in your life will be very different than

the last year. And to the rest of you, all

of our Daily Hope listeners, I just want to thank

you because we're able to provide the Daily Hope podcast

to people like Bill because of your generous support. Thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you

for helping us share the good news all around the world.

We love you, and imagine what it's going to be

to get to heaven and see all these people who

came to know Christ because of your giving. God bless you.

You can join us and bring hope to others. Just

scan the QR code or go to dailyhopetv dot com. Okay,

let's look at these seven steps to resolving conflict and

you can use this in any area of your life.

Number One, you want to be a peace maker, make

the first move. You make the first move. You don't

wait on somebody else. You take the initiative. Now I

know what you're thinking. Anything, well, you know it's all

their fault. And when they come to me, then I'll

be glad to face the conflict and deal with it. No,

God says, he expects you to make the first step.

That's what's called being a peace maker. Not a peace keeper,

but a peace maker. Now listen, God says, reconciliation in

your relationships, having harmony in your relationships is so important.

God says, it's more important than worship. It's more important,

and you coming to church. Don't everybody leave it once.

But if you've got somebody that you're out of whack

with right now, there's something more important than actually you

listening to me. Here's what Jesus said in Matthew, chapter five,

verse twenty three. This is still in the Sermon on

the Mount, verse twenty three and twenty four. If you're

standing before the altar in the temple and you're giving

an offering to God and you suddenly remember somebody has

something against you. It doesn't matter if you've got something

against them or they got something against you. You leave

your offering there beside the altar, go at once, and

first be reconciled. Circle the phrase, first be reconciled. That's

to be the top priority in your life. First be

reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift

to God. Now this is Jesus talking. Now again, some

relationship conflicts in your life that have gone on for

months or years or longer, God says, don't do that.

You don't realize how much it's hurting you spiritually. Now,

doesn't matter whether you are the offended person, or you

are the offender, or it's a little of both. God says,

you make the first move. It's always your move. Now,

I had to admit early in my marriage I didn't

get this. I didn't understand it. I ran from conflict

all the time. I never did one I was. There

was a guy in the in the musical Oliver called

the artful Dodger. That was me. And Kay would throw

an issue at me, and I'd duck and I'd dodge,

and she'd throw another issue and I'd duck and dodge

because I did not want to get into any kind

of conflict. You know, in every marriage, there are skunks

and there are turtles. Skunks, when they get upset, they

stink the placeop when you're If you're a skunk, you

let everybody know when you're unhappy. Turtles, on the other hand,

pull into a shell and hide when there is conflict. Now,

skunks always marry turtles always, So I'm not telling you

which ones which in your marriage. But want to use

the skunk and want to use the turtle, and it's

hiding and hurling. That's what we do together. Conflict has

never resolved accidentally. It just doesn't happen. It's always intentional.

You got to make the move. Conflict never resolves itself.

Now you've heard the expression time heals all things. That's

a bunch of balogney. That's not true. Time heals nothing.

If you've got cancer, so I think I'll just wait

for it to get better, it's not gonna get better,

it's gonna get worse. If you get shot in the

side and you're bleeding to death, you think time heals everything.

I think I'll just wait this one out. No, when

you have a wound, it gets worse. It festers, it

gets pussy, it gets infected. Time has never healed anything

in your life. It only makes it worse. And if

you hold onto resentment and bitterness, it doesn't get better.

It gets worse over the years, and you get more hardened,

and your heart gets harder and hard If time healed everything,

you'd never need to go to a doctor. You could

just go sit in the waiting room and say, well,

you know, I don't need to see the doctor. I'll

be here twelve hours and my flu will be gone,

or my back will automatically heals it out. Time heals nothing,

And the more you put it off, the worse the

problem gets. Now I want you to write this down.

The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it.

Write that down. The only way to resolve a conflict

is to face it. You can't go around it, over it,

underneath it, behind it. You've got to go through it.

And I'm going to teach you how to do this

with the minimal amount of pain. You have to make

the decision. I'm going to resolve the issue. Now. What

causes us to postpone and procrastinate over issues that we

know when we're out of whack with somebody at work

or at home, or in our family, whatever. Well, the

answer is one word. It is fear. Fear. We're always

afraid of conflict. I've seen very masculine, manly marines who

would die in a battlefield shrink in terror when their

wife says four words, we need to talk. Those four

words put the fear of God in every human male.

We need to talk because people don't like conflict. Now,

this fear of conflict is as old as the first couple,

Adam and Eve. Adam and he disobeyed God. They got

out of fellowship with God, that were out of whack

with him. And here's what the Bible says in Genesis three,

Adam said to God, I heard you in the garden,

and I was afraid because I was naked, and so

I hid. Now, notice he says, I'm afraid because I

was naked. What's he talking about. I feel vulnerable, I

feel exposed. I'm not covered up. So I was afraid

and I hid. And men have been hiding from women,

and women have been hiding from men ever since. In relationships,

we hide and we hurl, and we're afraid. What is

it that we're afraid of. We're afraid of vulnerability. We're

afraid of being exposed. And that does three things. It

makes you distant, It makes you demanding, and it makes

you defensive. First, when you're afraid in a relationship, you

get defensive and somebody brings something up, and then you

get defensive about it, and you're afraid to reveal your

true self, and you get distant. And what happens is

we withdraw and we hide, and we build walls. We

become distant, and then we become demanding. The more insecure

you are, the more you try to control things in

your life, and the most controlling people of the most

insecure people, and the more insecure you are in a relationship,

the more demanding and defensive and distant you can become

because you don't want to let me get close to you.

Some people think, I've talked to some singles if adults,

you think, you know, the worst thing in my life

is that I didn't get married. No, that is not

the worst thing in your life. A far worst thing

would be to get married and then live in emotional

distance from the person you're married to the rest of

your life. And we see it all the time when

the very person you're supposed to be one with you're sharing,

holding back secrets from and you can't reveal the true you,

and you've been married to them for twenty years and

you still can't be honest, can't be open, can't be vulnerable.

That was what fear does. Fear keeps us from the

connecting at a deep level. What is it that I'm

afraid of. I'm afraid of your rejection. I'm afraid you're

going to misunderstand me. I'm afraid that I might say

something in a conflict that you're going to come back

and use against me later on. And it keeps us

from disconnecting at a real level. Why am I afraid

to tell you what I'm really feeling about this problem,

because I'm all I've gotten. You don't like me, That's it.

Where do you find the courage to make the first move?

You keep waiting on somebody else resolve the conflict. They're

waiting on you and peacemakers take an issue. Where do

you get the courage to deal with your dad or

your mom, or your brother or your sister, or a child,

or your husband or your wife, or an ex or something.

Where do you get that courage? There's only one place,

the Holy spirit, God's holy spirit, the spirit of God's love.

The Bible says, there is no fear in love. Now

God is love. If you get full of God, the

fear is going to go. What motivates a normally rational

person to run into a burning building because they know

a baby's in there, and the fear is overcome by

their love for that child. We never change until our

love exceeds our fear. We never change until the pain

exceeds our fear. And so the starting point is to say, God,

I need you to fill me with your love, because

perfect love casts out all fear. The Bible says this

in two Timothy one seven. Here on the screen, it

says God has not given us a spirit of fear

and timidity, but a spirit of power and love and

self discipline. So everything I'm going to teach you today,

the steps, and they're very practical steps cannot be done

unless you get filled with God's love. Because it is

a love of God. It's going to eliminate the fear.

And then you have the courage to make the first step.

How do you get that love? You ask God for it.

So here's the second step, ask God for wisdom. You

made the decision. Okay, I'm not gonna let this thing

go anymore. I'm not gonna let it fester. I'm gonna

deal with this conflict that's been under the surface for

so many years or months, and I'm going to ask

God for wisdom. The Bible says in James chapter one

that if we ask God for wisdom, God will give

it to us James one, verse five. If you want

to know what God wants you to do, ask him

and he will gladly tell you. So the first thing

you do is you make decision. I'm not going to

go along with this unresolved anymore. I don't want to

be out of fellowship of God. I don't want my

prayers unanswered. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't

want to be miserable. So I'm gonna take the first step.

I'm not gonna wait on them, and then I'm gonna

say God, I really need your help. I need you

to fill me with love because I'm scared to death

and God, I don't know what to say. I don't

know when to say it. I don't know where to

say it. I don't know what's the best time. You

plan a peace conference, and you find a time when

it's good for them, not when you're tired. By the way,

never have a conflict resolution while you're in bed, save

that for other things in bed. If you start having

a conflict, but half the time you go through, you

start to get the major point you're going to hear,

and that kind of ruins it. So don't use the

bedroom for your conflict area. But you get where you're alone,

where you're not in a public spot, where people can

be real, and you say, Okay, God, what do you

want me to say? Where do I say it? When's

the right time to say it? And you ask God

for help. So God I don't want to be out

of whack with you. I don't want to be out

I don't be on have my prayers un answered. So

I want to deal with this issue now. I'm sure

that even as I've just started talking to you about this,

you're already thinking about somebody in your life that you

know there's a strain in that relationship. It's likely somebody

in your family or in your marriage, parents, kids, or

maybe somebody at work. So I want to stop right here,

and as your pastor who loves you, I want to

pray that God will give you the courage to take

the next steps we're about to do. Okay, let's bow

our heads. Father. You know that we're all scared to

death of conflict. Nobody who's rational likes it. And yet

you have said that it's more important than worship that

we actually go get something right with somebody that we're

out of harmony with. And Lord, we know you're not

saying go back, and you know, rebuild a relation, remarry us,

an acts or whatever. You're just saying, bury the hatchet,

make peace, harmony. And I pray that you would give

my people, the people here in our church, the courage

to reconcile, the courage to deal with tough issues that

have been pushed under the carpet and swept into the

corner and pretended like they were not happening. Lord, help

us to face what we're pretending not to know. Help

us to be real, and help us to have integrity.

And God give us the right place, the right time,

and the right thing to say, and help us to

come with the right attitude, ready to reconcile. In your name,

I pray Amen.