Rick Warren - How to Restore a Broken Relationship (Part 2)

To resolve the conflict is to face it. You can't

go around it, over it, underneath it, behind it. You've

got to go through it. And I'm going to teach

you how to do this with the minimal amount of

pain you have to make the decision. I'm going to

resolve the issue. Guys Men, maybe the most manly masculine

thing you do this week is man up and deal

with a conflict that's been brewing that you know you

need to deal with. So after I've made the decision

to make the first move and I've asked God for help,

now we get to the real practical stuff, and that's

number three. I begin with what's my fault? When we

get together and we have this peace conference. I don't

start with what you've done wrong. I don't start with

a bunch of accusations. I don't start with the ways

I've been hurt. We'll get to that, but you start

with beginning with what's my fault. Now, the conflict maybe

ninety nine point their fault, but you can find something

to confess. You can find something that was your mistake,

even if it was in your poor response, maybe even

in your defensiveness. But you begin with what is your fault?

And instead of accusing, and instead of excusing yourself, and

instead of attacking, and instead of blaming other people, I

first look at what's going on inside me. Now, I

want you to listen to very important. The Bible says

there are two causes of conflict, and the first cause

of conflict is self centeredness. It's what's going on inside

of me. See. If I'm filled with peace, almost nothing

abcepts me. If I'm filled with love, almost nothing irritates me.

If I'm filled with Jesus, almost nothing ticks me off.

On the other hand, if I'm filled with me ego, pride,

self centatives, anything can tick me off. Anything can make

me mad, anything can irritate me. You can do the

smallest little thing. And if I'm full of myself, you

can hurt my feelings very very quick. And so it

all depends on what's inside me. And if I'm at

peace with me, and I'm at peace with God, other

things just don't upset me. Here's what the Bible says, James,

Chapter four, Verse one. What causes fights? What causes fights

and quarrels? You know, conflict among you? They are caused

by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside you.

The conflict that you're having with other people is inside you.

It actually starts in you. As I said, why don't

you write this down? When I'm at peace inside, what's

outside doesn't upset me. When I'm at peace inside inside me,

I'm at peace with God. I'm at peace with myself.

But outside me just doesn't kick me off. Now, it

doesn't mean I don't agree with everything that I see.

There's a lot I disagree with. It just doesn't upset me.

It doesn't mean I don't think there are things that

need to be changed. There are a lot that needs

to be changed around me and in my relationships. It

just means I don't get distressed. I can disagree without

being distressed. And you are distressed not by the people

around you. You were distressed by what's going on inside

you and that response to the people around you. You

can disagree without being distressed. You know, when I used

to do marriage counseling, and I couldn't count the number

of marriages I helped and tried to help the number

one reason people gave for divorcing was this pastor we're

just quote incompatible that was their reason. We're just incompatible, friends.

There's no such thing as incompatibility. It's a term made

up by divorce attorneys to justify divorce. We're all incompatible

because we're all different. Nobody is going to be completely

compatible with you, because nobody's exactly like you. So no

matter who you're with and who you're married, you're going

to be incompatible. The truth is, you can get along

with anybody that you choose to get along with, and

you can choose to love anybody that you choose to love. Now,

if I were to summarize thousands of hours of marriage

counseling in two words, this is going to save you

a lot of money. Here are the two words you

need to hear that will make your marriage a success.

Grow up, Stop being irritating little immature. I won't say

the word. It's immaturity that causes marriage to die. It's

not incompatibility. It's inflexibility. I want what I want and

I want it now, and you want what you want.

And neither of us are old enough, mature enough, smart enough,

spiritual enough to change. And I am willing to let

this thing die. Then then change, and you're willing to

let this thing die. Then change has nothing to do

with incompatibility. If incompatibility was actually a concept, then exhibit A.

Are Rick and k Warren because we are the exact

opposite in every DNA cell in our body. We it's oh,

bladd old blad die. You say hi, I say low,

you say why, I say I don't know. It's just

we are on the opposite extremes in every area. We

have different backgrounds, we have different you know, look at

life differently, different temperaments. We are so opposite each other. Now, Actually,

the marriages that are hardest are where people are too

much alike, because after a while they get bored with

each other. The greater your differences in your marriage, the

greater your potential for growth. I'll say it again, the

greater your differences in marriage, the greater your potential for growth.

And the primary purpose of marriage is not to make

you happy, but to make you holy, to make you

like Jesus. And I have learned more from my wife

because she's so different from me than anybody else. You

can learn from anybody. If you're willing to be humble,

you can grow, and you can love, and you can

learn to love anybody It's not a matter of incompatibility.

It's a matter of maturity. Am I willing to grow up?

Am I willing to be unselfish? Am I willing to

be flexible? And am I willing to learn? Or would

I rather die than do that? I want you to

write this sentence down. Okay, write this down. It's always

more rewarding. Write this down. It's always more rewarding to

resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's always

more rewarding to resolve a conflict than dissolve a relationship.

Kay and I had so many problems in our early

years of marriage. We would be divorced if it weren't

for Jesus. And what would have happened if we had

given in to those desires to divorce in our early years.

I wouldn't have the children I've got, I wouldn't have

the grandchildren I've got. There would be no saddle backed church,

and many of you would still not be headed for heaven.

I think of the blessings in the world that would

have been missed if I had listened to my fears,

or Kay listen to her fears. It's always more rewarding

to resolve the conflict than to dissolve of the relationship.

So our nature is natural to be self centered. I

don't think about me, are you? I think about me?

And by the way, you don't think about me, you're

thinking about you. You're thinking about you. Right now, what

does this mean to me? It isn't really helpful to me.

And the point is, oh, you're getting that all right.

It's my nature to be self centered, and it's my

nature to be stubborn. And if I'm going to have

a good relationship, friendship, work relationship, client relationship, marriage relationship,

parenting relationship, I gotta think less about me and more

about you. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible

makes it very clear, is self centered as selfishness. The

second cause of conflict is pride and pride. I'm stubborn,

and in pride, I get my feet feelings hurt easily.

Humble people don't get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do.

They get their feelings hurt all the time. And so

when my wound and my ego gets wounded, then we

have conflict. Look at this verse up on the screen.

Proverbs thirteen ten says this pride, let's read it aloud together.

Pride only leads to arguments? And where is that verse found?

Proverbs thirteen ten. Now that's such a short verse. That's

gonna be our memory verse this week. So we can

learn this one. You can use this one. So let's

say it aloud together. Proverbs thirteen ten. Pride only leads

to arguments? And where's that? Proverbs thirteen ten. You're gonna

need this one, by the way, what's this Proverbs thirteen ten? Say,

pride only leads to arguments? And where's that found? Proverbs

thirteen ten. That was the first verse that Kay and

I memorized in our marriage. We memorized it on the honeymoon.

Why because we needed it on the honeymoon. We were

already at each other's throats fighting on the honeymoon. We

are so different. I want to do this and I

want to do that, and you want to do this,

you want to do that, And we had to memorize

that verse before a week of our marriage was up. Hi, everybody,

I'm pastor Rick Warren. You know when I started Saddleback

Church over forty years ago, just a handful of people

in our living room. I also began writing a simple

devotional just for the people in our church to help

them start each day with hope and with truth and

with peace that comes from Jesus Christ. Well, you know

that little devotional grew and grew and grew in Today,

Daily Hope is one of the largest email devotions in

the whole world, and each day people all around the

globe are reconnecting with God's promises and finding fresh strength

in his word to face whatever comes their way. Now

here's the best part. It's absolutely free. Okay, we don't

have any charge for this. Every day you'll get a

quick devotional read and a podcast that you can listen

to on the go. Now, you know, in a world

it's more distracted and uncertain than ever, I want to

help you start your day centered on what never changes,

and what never changes is a God's love, is unconditional

love for you and his promises to you. You know,

if you'll just spend just a few minutes a day

in the morning with the Lord, it can bring so

much more clarity, more purpose, more peace to everything that

happens in your day. Particularly, a psychologist has said that

what you do with the first five minutes of your

day pretty much sets the tone so, friend, you were

never meant to go through life alone. I want to

personally invite you to just sign up for the Daily

Hope devotional. Do it today. I think it's going to

bring fresh encouragement to your walk in God, God bless you.

Would you like to sign up for Pastor Rick's email devotional.

You can just scan the QR code or go to

dailyhopetv dot com. I am going to give you a

secret miracle sentence that will break any logjam in any argument. Guaranteed.

I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that

will break a logjam in any conflict if you'll use it.

Are you ready? Here it is I'm sorry, I was

only thinking of myself. Now, when your spouse wakes up

from fainting, you can say it again, I'm sorry, I

was only thinking of myself, And they'll faint again when

they wake up. Then you can actually start dealing. When

was the last time you said that to somebody? Have

you ever said that in your marriage? No? And yet

how many times were you only thinking of yourself on

a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase. You need

to memorize and get over your pride, which causes conflict

and begin to say in. Somebody, your husband or your

wife says something to you and you start to get

defensive about it and distant and demanding. You just say,

I'm sorry, I was only thinking of myself, and you

watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon,

and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down. Now,

the reason you need to learn to say that is

because you have what's called blind spots in your life.

The blind spots are the weaknesses you don't see in

your life. You have a lot of weaknesses that you

know about, and you know about those weaknesses in your life.

Those aren't blind spots because you can see them. The

blind spots are the weaknesses you can't see. That's why

they're called blind spots, because you can't see them. You

have weaknesses in your life you have never seen. Now

we all see them. We can see them real clearly.

We can see your weaknesses really clear. You don't have

to defend them because you don't even know they're there.

They are your blind spots, and that's why you need

other people in your life who can actually point out

to you what you cannot see. Your blind spots. Those

are weaknesses. You don't even have any idea, your clue

that you have that weakness. That's why you need to

come to conflict with a humble heart, and you begin

with your own faults. Here's what Jesus says. Notice this

verse Matthew seven, Verses three and five. He says, why

do you notice the little speck of dust in your

friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of

wood in your own eye? First take the wood out

of your own eye and then you'll be able to

see clearly. That's the blind spots. To take the dust

out of your friend's eye. Now, guys, you don't understand

this because two thousand years later we don't understand Hebrew humor.

But that sentence is a joke. It's humor. You may

not realize this, but the Sermon on the Mount is

filled with laughlines. Jesus told a lot of jokes, and

he used a lot of humor in his preaching. We

just don't understand it because we don't think in he

Brew humor from two thousand years ago. Hebrew humor is

humor by exaggeration, and so Jesus is when he would

tell stuff, he would awfully throw in a laughline. The

sermon mounts filled with some funny stuff. We just don't

get it. For instance, when Jesus says, you've heard this one.

It's easier for the camel, a camel to go through

an eye of a needle than for a rich man

to hold onto his money and to get into heaven. Now,

when Pete when Jesus said that, they died laughing, they go, oh, Lord,

that's a good one. A camel going through an eye

of a needle. Yeah, right, that's you know, that's obviously impossible, Okay,

And they're like, oh Lord, that you're too funny. That's hilarious.

You know. When Jesus says, hey, you know those religious

leaders over there, they strain at a gnat and then

they swallow a camel. Oh Lord, you're killing me. Lord,

that's him much. This guy should be on comedy club

in a try the liver. I'm here on Friday. I

mean it's great, you know. Oh Lord, that's just you've

unstrained it a gnat and swallow again. It's a funny line.

Now we don't get it. We're going now the meaning

Greek meaning of the word nash right over our heads.

Totally oblivious to what Jesus is using humor and sarcasm

to make a point. And here he's saying, hey, guys,

before you get the speck of sawdust out of your

wife's eye, why don't you get the telephone poll out

of yours? Oh Lord, you're telling me, oh too much?

Please stop. I'm dying. I'm dying. You know he's telling humor.

Now here's the point. He's saying, you need to confess

your part of the conflict first. So I need to

say when I come to you in this piece thing,

I don't start with you. I don't start with all

the ways you've hurt me. I don't. We'll get to that,

get to that, But I just start with me, and

I go, have I been unrealistic? And now I'm asking myself.

Am I being insensitive? That's caused conflict? Am I being oversensitive?

And that's caused conflict? Am I being ungrateful? And I

just haven't showed gratitude to this person? And that's hurting?

Am I being over demanding? You just do an honest evaluation?

Is what are my blind spots? All? Right? Then once

you've done that, you've confessed you're part of the problem.

Number four, I listen for their hurt and perspective. I

listen for their hurt and their perspective. Now it's very

important I listen for hurt, because there's always hurt in

a conflict. We think we argue over ideas, but we

actually argue over emotion. We argue over feelings. And anytime

there's a conflict, somebody got their feelings hurt, somebody felt abused,

somebody felt slighted. It's not the idea that causes the conflict,

it's the emotion behind the idea. How many times have

you heard me say, hurt people hurt people. In other words,

the more I'm hurting, the more I lash out at

everybody else. People aren't hurting, don't hurt others. People who

are filled with love are loving to others. People who

are filled with joy are joyful to others. People who

are at peace are at peace with everybody else. But

if I'm hurting inside, I'm going to hurt you. And

the more I hurt, the more I'm going to hurt you,

the more I'm gonna lash out. The people who need

love the most are those who deserve it the least.

The people who are the most obnoxious and irritating and

just you don't even want to be around them. Those

are people who need massive doses of love. Hurt people,

hurt people. I mean, well, my mom hurt me. Well

you need to know why she was hurting. My dad

hurt me. You need to know the hurt that caused

him to hurt you. Hurt people, hurt people. Now, I

want to tell you this principle. It doesn't matter if

it's in a marriage, or if it's in the marketplace,

or if it's in the Middle East. When people feel

they're not listened to, When people feel slighted, when people

are robbed of their dignity, they get mad. Doesn't matter

if it's on the border or if it's in Ukraine

or anywhere else that there's a conflict. When people feel

their dignity is destroyed. When people feel they're not being

listened to, they're not being paid attention to, they're not

being valued, they get mad like a cat pushed back

into a corner. And if you want to connect with people,

you must start with their needs, their hurts, and their interests.

You want to be a good salesman, you don't start

with your product. You start with their need, their hurts,

and their interests, interests. You want to be a good professor,

a pastor, or anything, you start with their needs, their hurts,

their interests, not what you have to share, but what

they need. And if you want to connect with people,

that's where it starts. So you listen for their hurt

and you're actually listening behind the words. It's not what

they say in an argument that you need to listen.

You need to listen to the emotion behind the words.

The emotion's far more important because people will say one thing,

but they're feeling something else, like how you doing, I'm fine,

I'm fine means I'm not fine in a lot of cases. Simes,

chapter one, verse nineteen says this be quick to listen,

slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Now, if

you do the first two, the third is automatic. If

you are quick to listen and you are slow to speak,

you will be slow to get angry. On the other hand,

if you have a trigger temper and you get angry

really fast, I'll tell you why. It's because you're not

quick to listen and you're not slow to speak. In fact,

you're quick to speak and slow to listen, and that's

why you get angry. How many times have I told

you God gave you two ears and one mouth. You

should always listen twice as much as you speak, and

this is the next step in conflict management. You listen

to their hurt and you listen to their perspective. Because

you don't know their perspective. That's why there's conflict. I

want you to write this down. Always listen before speaking, always, always, always, always, always, always,

always always listen before speaking. This is the key to

diffusing conflict. You listen before you speak, and then people

feel validated when you Your ears are actually love organs,

because when you speak, you're showing love by listening to them.

Philippians two four and five says this, Each of you

should look circle the word look. We'll come back to

that minute. Each of you should look not only to

your own interest, but also to the interests of others,

and your attitude should be the same as that of

Christ Jesus. That word look there said don't just look

at your own needs, look at the needs of the

person you're having a problem with. That word look is

the Greek word scopos. We get the word microscope. You

look at little things that you don't normally see telescope.

You look at stars you can't see up close. Scopos

means to focus, focus, and it says your attitude should

be the same as that of Jesus Christ. You are

most like Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of

somebody else rather than your own. You are most like

Jesus when you're focusing on the hurts of somebody else,

your child, your wife, your dad, your client. When you're

focusing on somebody else's hurts and you steady your own,

that's when you're like Jesus. When Jesus is on the cross,

dying for the sins of all mankind, he's not focusing

on his pain. He's saying, Father, forgive them. They don't

know what they're doing. He's still focusing on us, even

in the middle of his pain. So he says focus scopos.

Try to see their perspective before you go mouthing off

on your hurt, your need. Those are legitimate, But go

ahead and first try to focus on their perspective. How

do you do that by paying attention? There's an old

Chinese parable, a proverb that says, seek to understand before

seeking to be understood. That's what Jesus is saying here.

He's staying before you see, we're so busy trying to

get the person we're in conflict with to see our position.

We're not listening to theirs. We're so busy speaking, we're

not listening to theirs, and where as a result, we

move further and further away. Now, let's just take an example,

the people that you work with. And you have some

people who work with and you think that one person,

they are so irritating to me. I just they Every

time I get around them, my blood starts to boil.

I just don't even like being around them. And the

reason why is you don't scope us. You don't see

their circumstance, you don't see their temper, and you don't

see their background. The people that you work with, the

more you understand them, the more patient you're going to be.

The less you understand the people you work with, the

more impatient you're going to be. Why, because it is

human nature when you're working with people that you tend

we tend to judge how far people have to go.

We look at it and go, man, they got a

long way to go before they start being mature. Instead

of looking at how far they've come,