Rick Warren - Biblical Wisdom for Choosing the Right Partner in Marriage

If you want God's blessing on your marriage, which you do,

and you want God's protection on your marriage, which you do,

and you want success in your marriage, which you do,

then you better listen to what God has to say

about the kind of person you should marry. In your life,

two of the most important choices you're gonna make are, one,

will I ever get married? That's a choice. And the

second one is if I do, who's it gonna be?

And the Bible has a lot to say about this.

And if you'll take out your message notes inside your program,

finding the love of your life, the Bible says in

Proverbs 12, verse 26, the righteous chooses his friends carefully. Now,

Proverbs 12:26

if you're supposed to choose your friends carefully, you should

be even more careful about who's gonna be your life partner.

Notice it is a choice. God doesn't do this for you.

God says you make the choice. The righteous chooses his

friends carefully. The problem is nobody teaches us how to

do that. You didn't get a class in school. Your

parents didn't teach you how to choose the right person

to marry. And as a result, many people end up

in the wrong marriage for the wrong reason. And as

your pastor who loves you, I don't want you to

do that. I don't want you to end up that way.

So we're going to look tonight at what the Bible

says is God's checklist for choosing the right person. But

before we do that, I need to dispel a couple myths.

And I want you to write these down there on

your outline. There's a couple of myths about marriage that

are out there, and we just need to get them

out of the way. The first one is this. God

doesn't choose my mate for me. God doesn't choose my

mate for me. It's your decision, it's your choice. God

isn't gonna choose your mate for you. God places the

responsibility 100% on your shoulder. God is not gonna put

a sign in the sky that says, Mary Harry. Okay,

it isn't gonna happen. You can look all you want,

but it isn't gonna happen. Now, some people say, well,

I'm not gonna date, I'm just gonna wait. There's a

word for that, bachelor or bachelorette, okay? Or never marry, okay?

I mean, that's nonsense to say, I'm not gonna date,

I'm gonna wait. That's what you get when you cross

a crock of the hill with an abalone, it's a crock-a-baloney.

I mean, I remember about 10 years ago, a guy

wrote a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I think

he's a monk today. You know, when God wants to

steer you, it's easier to move a car that's moving

than one that's parked. God can't move a parked car.

He can't steer it. It's gotta be moving, and then

he can go this way or that way, whatever. So

you can go home and sit in your basement and say,

I'm just gonna wait and not date. And nothing's gonna happen.

Nothing's gonna happen. So you just need to clear that

one up. God says it's your choice. God leads us,

God guides us, and God gives us guidelines. We're gonna

look at them tonight. But ultimately, it's your choice. The

second myth is this. There isn't only one right person

for me. That's very romantic. There's only one person in

the entire universe for me. Well, it's just not true.

It's not only romantic, but it's not biblical. And it's

not only not biblical, it's not even logical. It is

a total myth. It's romantic, but it's a myth. In

your life, there are multiple people God would say, that's

okay for you to marry. Multiple people. There would be

millions he would say, no way, Jose. Okay. But there

are multiple opportunities that God would say, okay, it's all right.

Your choice, your preference. So God doesn't have a bullseye

when it comes to marriage. So forget that there's some Ms.

Right or Mr. Right out there. They just aren't there.

It isn't gonna happen. And the Bible doesn't say that.

By the way, let me give you one more myth.

It's not there on your outline, but write this down.

One other myth is love alone is not enough reason

to marry. Would you write that down? Just write it down.

Love alone is not enough reason to marry. I talk

to people all the time who are getting married, and

I look at them and go, there's no way. The

family background isn't right. The spiritual background isn't right. The

personality background isn't right. Educational background, they don't have the

same amount of energy. They don't have the same amount

of ambition. They don't even have the same values, goals.

None of these things are, but we love each other. Friend,

Given the right situation, I could get you to fall

in love with anybody. Love is a choice. And I

could put you in certain circumstances that would make you

romantically inclined. Just because you love someone does not mean

you should marry them. I would like for us to

repeat this together. Just because you love someone doesn't mean

you should I fell in love with multiple women before

I married Kay. Any of them, if I had married,

would have been a disaster. You can fall in love

with all kinds of people. It doesn't mean you should

marry them. Love is not enough. It takes a lot

of other things, and that's what we're gonna look at tonight. Now,

God doesn't tell you who to marry, but he does

give you a description of of the kind of person

that he desires for you to marry. And if you

want God's blessing on your marriage, which you do, and

you want God's protection on your marriage, which you do,

and you want success in your marriage, which you do,

then you better listen to what God has to say

about the kind of person you should marry. Because the

evidence of not following what God says to do is

out there all around us. Given the right situation, as

I said, you can fall in love with anybody, doesn't

mean you should marry them, but God gives us a list,

and I call these a list of must-haves. Now, I'm

gonna give you a list tonight from the Bible of

things that must have, you must have in your life

and in your mate's life, boyfriend, girlfriend's life, in order

to marry them. Until these are right, you're not ready

to marry them, and they're not ready to marry you,

and they may not even ever be the right person

for you to marry. Now you can add to this

list your own experiences. What I'm gonna give you tonight

is the bare minimum. These are the minimum requirements for

the marriage God blesses. If they don't meet these qualifications,

deal breaker. I don't care how much I love them.

I don't care how much money they've got, how cute

they are, how much they make me laugh. Doesn't matter

how sweet we get along together, how much we have fun,

how much we have in common. Doesn't matter, all those things.

If we don't match on these things, deal breaker. Now,

this week, I celebrated my 37th anniversary. Okay? And... I

have counseled thousands of married couples in trouble and counseled

thousands of single adults who are considering marriage. So I

do know a little about what the Bible is talking about.

I just want to save you some pain. These are

not my opinion. This is what God says are the

requirements of the kind of person you should choose to marry. Okay,

let's get into it. Number one, the first thing We

have to have, my wife and I, or my husband

and I, we have to, number one, we must have

spiritual unity. It's first qualification. We must have spiritual unity.

That means we believe the same thing about God. We

have a relationship to God together. If you aren't spiritually

unified with your spouse, You are never going to enjoy

the depth of physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, or emotional intimacy

that God desires for your marriage. You just can't do it.

You cannot have the ultimate physical, emotional, and sexual unity

that God wants you to have if you're not unified

in the number one area of your life, which is

your relationship to God. Now your relationship to God should

be the biggest most important part of your life. And

if I can't share the biggest, most important part of

my life with my wife, we're living on different wavelengths.

We got different world views. We may have all kinds

of other things in common, but our marriage will be

shallow our entire lives. It will be shallow and there

will be problems. And your marriage will never be as

deep as it could be and you will never experience

the emotional intimacy or the sexual intimacy that God wants

you to have unless you're united in spirit. There's a

spiritual unity that you're headed in the same direction. If

you want God's protection on your marriage, you want God's

blessing on your marriage, then God's gotta be at the center.

He's gotta be the glue. Most people have no idea

how important God is to marriage. It takes more than

a man and woman to make a solid marriage. Remember,

marriage was God's idea. God thought it up. God thought

up sex. God thought up intimacy. God thought up family

and children and the whole big idea. So he designed it.

And God designed it that marriage is a three-legged stool. God,

a husband, and a wife. Now you take out any

one of the legs and the stool is gonna fall over.

A one-legged stool will fall over. A two-legged stool will

fall over. You gotta have the third leg. You've gotta

have God in the relationship or it's gonna be unstable.

It's gonna get knocked over in enormous ways, all kinds

of different ways. Now, God is absolutely clear about this

first one. Let's look at some verses. 2 Corinthians chapter six,

verses 14 and 15. Stop. forming inappropriate relationships with unbelievers?

Can right and wrong be partners? Can light have anything

in common with darkness? Can a believer share life with

an unbeliever? In other words, if you don't have spiritual unity,

how in the world can you be unified in any

other area? Now let me just be honest with you.

Let me have true confession right now. As a pastor,

I don't like to disappoint people. As a pastor, I

don't like to hurt people's feelings. I want them to

like me. I want them to be happy. And honestly,

I can't tell you how many times people have come

to me and introduced me to their fiance. And they

want me to be happy about their fiance. And they say,

and they start telling me all their fine qualities of

their fiance. And their fiance does have a lot of

fine qualities. Great. Fine qualities. And they tell me how

much they love them. And they tell me how much

they have in common. And they tell me how much

they've got similar plans. And they tell me how much

they think alike in so many different areas. And then

one of them will take me and say, there's only

one problem. He's not a believer. She's not a believer.

It's the only problem. Every bone in my body wants

to say, it's no big deal. Go right ahead. Be happy.

But after watching over a thousand divorces, I'm blunt and

I say, you're making the biggest mistake of your life.

I love you enough to tell you the truth. You

are making the biggest mistake of your life. If you

don't have spiritual unity, you're never gonna have sexual unity

the way God intended. You're never gonna have emotional unity

the way God intended. You're never gonna have unity in

communication because the biggest area of your life, your partner rejects.

I don't care how much else you've got in common,

they reject that. How can I say, if you have

committed your life to Christ, then there's no way you

can give your life away to somebody who rejects your savior.

There's just no way you can do that. Now you

can do it and say, well, God, I don't want

your blessing on my marriage. I don't want your success

on my marriage. And I don't want your protection on

my marriage. And I'm gonna willfully ignore what the Bible says.

I used to be really kind of casual about this. Well,

you know, I know you can win him to the

Lord later. You can win her to missionary dating is

what we call it. You know? You know? And people

tell me this, I'll win him to Christ, or he'll

change after we're married. Would you like to give me five,

let me give you 5,000 people who tell you that

doesn't happen? The change, if it doesn't happen before the marriage,

that's when the leverage is on. You see, a lot

of girls in particular, when they plan their wedding, there's

a standard. I've done so many thousands of weddings. There's

a standard, you know. You walk down the aisle, you

stand at the altar, and then they do the hymn.

And it's, I'll alter him. And people think that's how

it's gonna be. I'll alter him. But it doesn't work

that way. 2 Corinthians 6, 14, next verse. Do not

unite yourself with an unbeliever. They're not fit mates for you.

If you want God's best, I'm just telling you right

up front, don't even consider somebody who's not committed to

Jesus Christ. Now let me give you the hard, cold

facts of life, not preference, facts of life. National Survey

reported in Marriage Magazine, one out of every two and

a half marriages in America now ends in divorce. That's

not very good odds. One out of every two and

a half marriages in America ends in divorce. But when

a couple is spiritually unified, that's what I'm just talking about,

they're both believers and they practice three habits together. Attend

church weekly together, pray together, read the Bible together, the

divorce rate drops from one out of every two and

a half marriages to one out of every 1,105 marriages.

Are you willing to gamble? Are you willing to gamble? Please,

I'm telling you as your pastor, don't gamble the second

most important decision in your life. Because if you marry

without spiritual unity, the odds are in 10 years, you're

gonna be divorced. You're not gonna beat the odds as

a general rule. Or you'll stay together and your deepest

intimacy will never be there, you'll live at a shallow level,

Because you're not sharing the most important thing in your life.

Or there's gonna be conflict with your kids and all

kinds of other problems. So this is the starting one.

Number one, I must have spiritual unity. You know, the

Bible says this, Romans 1, 12. I want us to

help each other with the faith we have. Your faith

will help me And my faith will help you. And

that's what God wants to do in marriage. He wants

the faith of the husband to help the wife and

the faith of the wife to help the husband. But

how can your faith help each other if one of

you has no faith? If I were to stand up

here on the edge and you were to come over here,

is it easier for me to pull you up or

for you to pull me down? It's always easier to

be pulled down in a relationship than to pull somebody up.

It is always easier. So I'm not shy about this anymore.

If that offends you, I'm sorry. I'm doing what is

best for your happiness. You must have spiritual unity in

your marriage, all right? Number two, second must have. Not

only do we have spiritual unity, that's still not enough.

Number two, oh, by the way, somebody says, what if

I'm already married to an unbeliever? You love them and

you pray that they find Christ. That's what you do. Now,

the second non-negotiable in choosing a life partner, we must

have not only spiritual unity, number two, we must have

life purpose compatibility. Life purpose compatibility. In other words, we

have to be headed in the same direction for the

same reason, for the same purpose in life. Now, the

Bible says this in Amos 3, verse 3. Can two

Amos 3:3

people walk together together? without agreeing on the direction? Well,

the obvious answer is no. You can't wanna walk that

way and I wanna walk this way and we walk together. Now,

if two people can't walk together without a same purpose,

how in the world do we think we're gonna live

together in intimacy? It ain't gonna happen. The marriage is

gonna fall apart. The marriage will not last. If you

have a purpose for your life that's that way and

I have a purpose for my life and it's that way,

it's not gonna last. It's gonna end in disaster. You're

gonna have a life of conflict. Now, by the way,

the implication of this is you're not ready to marry

until you know the purpose for your life. Pastor Brad

teaches on this all the time. I wrote a book

about it a number of years ago. But you need

to identify, what is my mission? What is my purpose?

What is my calling? What is my vocation? Why did

God put me on this earth? Until you know that question,

don't even think of getting married. Because if you don't

know what your purpose is, and then you get married

and you discover it later, and then all of a sudden, well,

tough luck. You're married to somebody whose purpose is totally different. Now,

God put you here for a purpose, and he did

three things. He shaped you, he gifted you, and he

called you. Let's look at these three verses. First, he

shaped you, Ephesians 2.10. For we are God's workmanship, created

in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared

in advance for us to do. Circle that phrase, prepared

in advance. Did you know that before you were born,

God already decided your life purpose? He prepared in advance

the things he wanted you to do with your life.

One day, you're gonna stand before God And he's gonna

ask you two questions. The nice thing about God is

he tells us what's on the final exam. And there

are only two questions on the final exam. And since

God wants you to succeed at it, he tells you

the questions in advance. One day you're gonna die. One

day your heart's gonna stop. That's gonna be the end

of your body, but it's not gonna be the end

of you because you were made to last. forever. You're

gonna live forever, one of two places. We were made

for long-term relationship with God. God wants you in heaven.

That's why he sent Jesus to die for you, so

it'd be possible. One day, you'll stand before God, and

he's gonna ask you first, what did you do with

my son Jesus? I hope you know the answer to that.

He's not gonna ask, were you Catholic or Baptist or

Pentecostal or Calvary Chapel? He's not gonna ask your denomination.

He's gonna say, what did you do with my son Jesus?

And then he's gonna say, second question, what did you

do with what I gave you? You have been given

certain gifts, certain abilities, certain purposes, certain shape that God

wired you, spiritual gift, heart, ability, personality, experiences that he

wants you to use to fulfill your purpose. When you

stand before God one day, God's not gonna say, by

the way, who'd you marry? He's gonna say, did you

fulfill your purpose? Did you fulfill your purpose? No, sorry, Lord,

I wasn't able to do that because I found a

really cute guy. Ah, wrong answer. That's not the one

he wants to hear. God called you, he said, I

designed in advance what I made you to do. He

not only shaped you, he gifted you. Look at the

next verse, 1 Peter 4. Each of you has received

a gift from God for serving others. Now you must

be faithful to develop and use that gracious gift from God.

You gotta be faithful to do it. Well, if you

got a life partner who doesn't care two bits about

that or they're going a different direction, how are you

gonna fulfill your purpose? Third, God not only shaped you

and gifted you, he's called you. Did you know that

you're called? Every Christian is called by God. The Bible

says marriage is a partnership to fulfill your calling. Hebrews 3.1,

brothers and sisters, you are holy partners in a heavenly calling.

And let me just tell you this. If you've got

a girlfriend and you're not gonna be more effective fulfilling

your purpose married, you better stay unmarried. The purpose of

marriage is to make you more effective in fulfilling your purpose.

If marriage keeps you from your purpose, then you missed

the point of the marriage, to be partners in God's calling.

So here's what you need to do. You need to

picture in your mind your life purpose as a circle.

And you picture in your mind the life purpose of

the person you're considering marrying over here. And then you ask,

How much do they overlap? Do they overlap at all?

More important, could they become one? Because when you have

that oneness, it's incredible. I married a woman like that

who had the same purpose I did. And unbelievable, it

made us a powerful team that took us places around

the world I never would have imagined. that gave us

opportunities I never would have imagined. When I fell in

love with Kay, I had no idea what God was

gonna do in my life. I just knew what his

purpose was. But I didn't know all of the things

he was gonna do in my life and all the

things he was gonna do in her life. And we

had gifts that had not even been discovered yet. But

what we did know is we had the same purpose

and our purposes matched perfectly. And as a result, that

gave impact. When you have two different purposes, you have

no impact. And not only that, you have less joy.

And not only that, you have more conflict. So you

not only have to have spiritual unity, you have to

have the same life purpose in life. God gifted you,

shaped you, and called you. So listen, you may both

be fine people and you may both love the Lord

and you may love each other but that doesn't mean

you should get married. It does not mean, you gotta ask,

do we have the same purpose? The Bible tells us

that one of the advantages of being single is you

can have a solitary purpose. You have undivided attention. I

don't know if anybody's ever told you this or not,

but I think you've already figured it out. A bad

marriage is a thousand times worse than staying single the

rest of your life. Let me say it again. A

bad marriage is a thousand times worse, thousand times worse

than all the downsides of staying single the rest of

your life. So do not settle for just second best.

I can't tell you how many people I've talked with

who've been married 10 years or 15 years or 20

years and in the privacy of one-on-one conversation, they say,

Pastor Rick, I feel guilty. Say, what do you mean?

I know what God called me to do, but I

can't do it now. Because I married a guy. I

married a girl who didn't share that same value. And

there's no way it's gonna get done. And I know

I am missing my purpose in life. Do you know

what torture that is? To know your purpose in life

and know you're missing it? Don't make that mistake. Don't

make that mistake. On the other hand, as I said,

when your purpose is aligned, it is enormous power, it

is enormous energy, and it is enormous fulfillment to be

doing the same thing, the same purpose with your husband

or your wife and knowing the blessing of God is

on your life. And I have felt that. And friend,

there's nothing in the world like that feeling. To know

that there's somebody by my side who's the exact opposite

of me in every DNA cell of her body. She's

female and I'm male, and we don't understand each other

a lot of the time, but we do know this,

God's called us to this, and we're on line together,

and there's enormous power when a husband and wife have

the same life purpose. Number three, third, non-negotiable. We must

have spiritual unity, we must have life's purpose compatibility, number three,

We must both be emotionally healthy. Yeah, I heard that one.

I don't know if that was laughter of guilt, fear,

or what, but let's all just laugh right now, okay? Now,

I did not say emotionally perfect. If you wait for

the perfect wife or the perfect husband, it isn't gonna happen.

Because let me tell you what, we're all broken. Okay,

I want you to look at the person next to

you right now and say, I'm broken and so are you.

Go ahead. I'm broken and so are you. Okay, go ahead,

I dare you. I'm broken and so are you. All right. Now,

turn to the person and say, but that's okay because

God still loves you. But that's okay because God still

loves you. All right. Yeah. We just had 18 proposals

for marriage just then. I'll be doing a cut rate

wedding service after this service. Let me just tell you,

read my lips. Anybody you marry will be broken. Now,

you're going to marry a sinner. And she's going to

marry a bigger one. Two imperfect people cannot make a

perfect relationship. So put that one out of your mind.

You're never gonna have a perfect relationship. I married a sinner.

Kay married a sinner. You're gonna marry a sinner. The

Bible says all of sin. Nobody's perfect. In fact, if

you think you're perfect, then you better be running from

that person if they think they're perfect. Okay, because they're

out of touch with reality. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo,

you know. Okay, so. Everybody's broken, but some people are

a lot more broken than others. And you need to

avoid them no matter how good looking or how much

money or how well they treat you. You need to

avoid them. I heard about a lady at divorce court.

She was asking for a divorce and the judge said,

but you promised to take him for better or worse.

She said, yeah, but he was a lot worse than

I took him for. So you gotta figure out the

emotional health of that guy before you go too far

in a relationship. Why am I saying this? Study after

study after study has shown 80% of all separations and

divorce come because one or both of the partners are

emotionally unhealthy. 80% of all divorces come because one or

both of the people in the marriage were emotionally deficient.

They were emotionally immature. They were emotionally unhealthy. Now, I'm

gonna give you a partial checklist of emotional health factors.

These aren't my opinion. This is what God says you

need to avoid. And you just need to avoid them.

And you need to get out of a relationship. If

you spot any of these, the Bible says, you are

asking for trouble. You don't want trouble. So if you

hear me teach this to you, and then you go

marry a person that has some of these in their life,

and things turn sour, you cannot blame God. You walked

into it full on head knowing I'm gonna get married

in spite of these factors, okay? Let me give you

a list of factors. This is not all of them,

but it's a partial checklist of emotional health factors. Number one,

whoever I marry must, number one, have no uncontrolled anger. Whoa.

No uncontrolled anger. But I like the bad boys. then

there's a word for you, girl, fool. Fool, you're just

a flat-out fool. Proverbs 22, 24. Do not circle that.

Do not make friends. I think that would mean going

out on a date. Do not make friends with a

hot-tempered man. Do not associate with one easily angered. Do

you know why? Because uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity and

low self-worth. If I don't like me, I don't like

anybody else. And when you've got a cup, let's say

I'm carrying a cup of water, and if it's full

to the brim, any little thing will shake that cup

and it'll spill out. If there's not any water in it,

nothing can come out. You got a guy who's filled

with anger, or a woman who's filled with anger, and

it's right there at the blimp, anytime you bump them,

it's gonna come out. The best time to end wife

abuse and domestic violence is don't marry them. If you

see somebody who has uncontrolled anger, friend, the Bible says, run.

Do not associate, do not associate with one easily angered.

Because if they don't like themselves, I guarantee you, at

some point, they're gonna turn that anger on you. And

you are gonna be the brunt of it because you're

gonna be closest. No uncontrolled anger. That's a non-negotiable. Number two,

whoever I marry must have no addictions. No addictions. These

are non-negotiables. Proverbs 23, verse 20. Don't associate, there's that

Proverbs 23:20

word again, don't associate with people who drink too much

or stuff themselves with food. Let's pause here for a

little confession. Your pastor is in. Now only two things

are mentioned here, food and alcohol, but you know there's

a thousand ways to get addicted. You can get addicted

to drugs. You can get addicted to pornography. You can

get addicted to video games. You can get addicted to

spending money. I just love to shop. Run! Do I

need to cover this point anymore? No, okay, let's go on.

Number three, whoever I marry must have no uncontrolled anger,

must have no addictions, don't associate. Number three, no bitterness. Wow.

They gotta deal with it before they deal with you.

If your boyfriend or your girlfriend is carrying resentment from

his past, Now let me tell you this, as a

pastor who loves you, I love you, I'm trying to

save you some pain. I have sat in the counseling

room with marriage after marriage after marriage after marriage and

watched bitterness tear it all down. Doesn't matter if you

both have great jobs, you're both good looking, you got

great kids, you got a good car, great family, everything,

but if there's bitterness there, it tears it out. Bitterness

is like a poison that eats you alive. Whatever you resent,

you begin to resemble. I'm never gonna be like my mother. Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm never gonna be, no, really. Whatever you resist, persist.

You start pushing a nail into wood, it starts resisting.

It just goes deeper and deeper into the wood. You

hammer it down. And whatever you need to resent, stop resenting,

you gotta release it. Now, the Bible says this. Hebrews 12,

Hebrews 12:15

verse 15. Make sure you all have experienced the grace

of God. Now that would mean both the husband and

the wife, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, everybody. Make sure you've

all experienced the grace of God so that bitterness doesn't

take root and grow because that causes much trouble and

will corrupt. You see, if you start dating a girl

or a guy who has bitterness from something in their

past and they're holding on to it and they're not

letting it go and they're holding on, I want to

guarantee you 110% that after you get married, that resentment

is gonna turn to you. And a girl who's had

issues with her dad is gonna take it out on

her husband. And ladies, you wanna know how your husband's

gonna treat you? Look at how he treats his parents.

You gotta click. See what kind of respect the guy

gives his mom. Just look at that. I have seen

this over and over and over. Bible says, make sure

you all experience the grace of God. So you get

rid of that bitterness because bitterness causes much trouble. Notice

how many of these verses use the word trouble. It's

a very important question is to ask, how do they

treat their parents? Yeah, well, they're not pairing their parents.

They're not marrying their parents. They're marrying me. You're right.

but they're bringing their parents into the relationship. And they're bringing,

you don't marry a person, you marry a family. You

may not like that, but you marry a family. Proverbs 20, 20,

if you curse your father or mother, the lamp of

your life will be snuffed out. What in the world

does that mean? That sounds pretty, you know, strong. The

lamp of your life will be snuffed out. What does

it mean? You'll miss the life God intended. You know,

in the 10 commandments, like don't murder and don't commit

adultery and don't steal and don't lie. Number five, the

fifth one is honor your father and mother. Did you

know that's the only command of the big 10 that

has a promise with it? It's the only one with

a promise said, if you honor your father and mother,

you will be given a long life. It's the only

promise with a blessing in the Ten Commandments. He said,

but my parents don't deserve to be honored. Your parents

may be, maybe you never even knew them. Maybe they

were alcoholics. Maybe they beat you. Maybe you were abused.

I'm sorry. But you know what? People say, why did

God choose the parents I've got? I mean, my parents,

they didn't do diddly squat in my life. In fact,

they hurt me. But you know what? They're your parents. Yes.

And why did God choose those people to be your parents?

Regardless of whether they were good, bad, or terrible parent,

God chose them, why? Because they had just the DNA

to create you. And God was more interested in creating

you than in their parenting skills. They may have been

a terrible parent, but you wouldn't be existing if it

weren't for the DNA of your mom and your dad.

So I'm not saying honor their sin. The Bible doesn't

say that. The Bible doesn't say honor their abuse. The

Bible doesn't say honor their neglect. You have to honor

the fact that God chose them because without them, you

wouldn't exist. They had just the right sperm and egg

to create you. And God was more interested in making

you than he was how well apparent they were. So

no uncontrolled anger, no addictions, no bitterness. The only commandment

of the promise. Number five, whoever I marry must not

be selfish. Not selfish, why? Proverbs 28, 25 says this,

selfish people cause trouble. Would you circle that, star it,

underline it, put an arrow toward it, a Reno sign,

you know, it's pointing, you know. Selfish people cause trouble.

So you just look in your day, does he ever

open the door for you? Do they only talk about

themselves when you're together? You know, when somebody talks about

themselves a day, sometimes that's fascinating, it's kinda cute, it's

kinda interesting. After you get married, it wears off real quick.

Can you talk about something else besides your hair? Or

your car, or your dream, or, you know, can you

talk about anything else? The Bible says selfish people cause trouble.

The number one cause of conflict in marriage, when you

boil it all down, people say, how do you keep

conflict out of marriage? Simple, get rid of selfishness. Conflict

comes because I want what I want, you want what

you want, we're both selfish and neither one of us

are willing to budge. It's immaturity, it's selfish. And the

more unselfish I am, then the more we're gonna get along,

the more unselfish you're gonna be, because it responds back

to each other. Don't go with a selfish man. Proverbs 18,

verse one. People who do not get along with others

are only interested in themselves. They will disagree with what

everyone else knows is right. Don't point at them right now, please.

People who don't get along with others are only interested

in themselves. They'll disagree with everybody. They make their living

by being opposite. Don't selfish. Now, the next one. This

one may surprise you, but it's a non-negotiable. The person

I marry cannot be greedy. That's what the Bible says.

I'm only teaching you what the Bible says. And if

you want a peaceful marriage, you want a successful marriage,

don't marry a greedy man, don't marry a greedy woman.

Proverbs 15, 27, a greedy man does what? Brings trouble

to his family. I would encourage you maybe to do

a study on this. The damage that greed does to love,

the damage that greed does to marriage, the damage that

greed does to children, it does to families. If you

marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your

entire life. You will always be in debt because they

will always spend things, money they don't have, to buy

things they don't need to impress people they don't even like.

You will always be in debt. In your marriage, if

you marry a greedy person, because they don't know how

to live within a budget. They don't know how to

live on less. I gotta have it and I gotta

have it now. I'm gonna live within my means even

if I have to charge it. Proverbs 23 verse six

takes it even more blatant. Don't eat at the table

of a stingy person. I guess that means not going

out to dinner. Don't eat at the table of a

stingy person. Don't hang out with those kind of people. Now,

one of the clearest signs of emotional health, this is

now we're getting on the opposite side, is the opposite

of the last two, selfish and greedy. Bible says run

from that. If you see selfishness, she's always talking about her.

She's only interested in her. He's only interested in him.

Or they're greedy. They're very materialistic. They're very materialistic. The

Bible says run. The opposite of that, two of the

ultimate signs of emotional health are generosity and kindness. Generosity

and kindness. And so that's the next one. Clearest sign

of emotional health is they must be generous and kind.

Are they generous and are they kind? Now why do

I wanna marry somebody who's generous? Why is that important?

Why do I want to marry somebody who's kind? Well,

look at what the Bible says. A generous man will prosper.

Do you want to marry a guy who prospers? Then

you better marry a generous man. A generous man will prosper.

He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. They're also

far easier to get along with. But also kindness. Proverbs 11, 17.

A kind-hearted woman gains respect and a kind man benefits himself.

But cruel people bring trouble. There's that word again, trouble

on themselves. Notice, greed brings trouble. Selfishness brings trouble. Bitterness

brings trouble. Addictions bring trouble. But generosity and kindness, that

brings benefit. It brings prosperity. It brings respect. Now I

only got time for one more. An emotionally healthy person

tells the truth. Tells the truth. An emotionally healthy person

tells the truth. Proverbs 20, verse seven. Why do I

wanna marry a person who tells the truth? Because the

Bible says this. A righteous person lives on the basis

of his integrity and his children will be blessed even

after he is gone. You want your children to be blessed?

Then you marry somebody who tells the truth. Now, why

is this so important? Everybody look up here. Love is

based on trust and trust is based on truth. If

you don't tell me the truth, I can't trust you.

And if I can't trust you, how can I love you? Guys,

if you lie to a girl that you're dating, you're

gonna lie to your wife later on. Girls, if a

guy's lying to you, about what he's doing right now,

he's gonna lie to you even more when he's married.

I'm doing this because I wanna protect you. Don't marry

somebody who doesn't have integrity. But when you find somebody

who's got integrity, the Bible says that's gonna bring blessing

not only on you and your marriage, but on your

kids too, even after they die. Did you notice in

this entire list there was not one word about appearance?

Did you notice that? Not one word about how they look,

how sexy. Is she Susie Swivelhips? I mean, a hunk,

a hunk of burning love, all right? Now, Our culture

teaches the exact opposite what the Bible teaches. Our culture

teaches you that the number one thing you need in

marriage is you need to be sexy. You need to

be good looking. Our entire society is built on the

idea that you marry somebody beautiful. And that if you

marry somebody who is attractive, then your marriage is gonna

be great, and you're gonna be happy, and they're gonna

meet every need in your life. Now friends, if that

were true, the marriages that would last the longest would

be Hollywood marriages. Because they're all better looking than all

of us. Is that true? Do Hollywood marriages, do the

best looking people have the longest lasting marriages? Tell me,

is that true? Not a chance. Not a chance. It

has zero to do with the success of your marriage.

Because I hate to tell you this, you're not going

to stay sexy forever. Unless you're me. All right, now.

The Hollywood myth is that all you need to get

married is romantic feelings, sexual attraction, want to get rid

of your loneliness, and then that'll be it. Everything will

be great. No, it won't. Those are not the reasons

to marry. You may be tired of being noticed or

not noticed. and you wanna be noticed, somebody pays you

a little attention, you think, I should marry this person,

they're paying me attention. No. Do you have spiritual unity?

Do you have life purpose compatibility? Are they emotionally healthy?

These aren't reasons enough to marry. She's good looking and

paying me attention. I could probably get a baboon to

do that too. You say, Well, come on, Rick. I'm

not sure if I'll ever find anybody who fits this. Oh, really?

I did. And you can too. When Kay and I

got married, Leonard Ravenhill, who was a great preacher of

the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I've never forgotten.

He said this. God always gives his best to those

who leave the choice to him. I wanted God's best

in my life and I got it. And I wasn't

gonna settle for somebody who was... When I was in school,

I was pretty popular. I was class president every year

and student body president. From eighth grade, seventh grade, through

my freshman year of college, I was president every single year.

I was a party animal. And I dated a lot

of really cute girls. Any of them would have been disastrous.

Would have been disastrous for me. Because we didn't have

these issues. And to build it simply on sexual attraction,

the feeling of being noticed, the fear of loneliness, wanting

to be loved, We share a lot in common, we're

having fun. Those are all great things, but they're not

enough to build a marriage on. And that's why every

one out of every two and a half marriages ends

in divorce. I wanna remind you again, a bad marriage

is a thousand times worse than staying single. Now, as

we've gone through this list, some of you may have

realized you're currently dating somebody who would be disaster to marry.

What do you do? Run, that's right, run. The fact is,

the longer you date somebody, the more painful it's gonna

be to break up. I would encourage you to try

to figure out in the first two dates, do they

fit this situation here? Any of these here? Look for

these things. So I would suggest that maybe on some

of your early dates, you spend more time talking than

you do watching a movie. Because if you get into

a relationship over a long period of time, the longer

you're in it, the more painful it's gonna be to

get out of it. Anybody wanna agree with that one? Yeah.

The longer you're in it, the more painful it is

to get out of it. So you wanna find out quickly,

do we have spiritual unity? Eh. We got purpose unity? Eh.

Emotionally healthy? I mean, he's got biceps, but forget it, man.

That's about all he's got, okay? All right, he dresses nice. Yeah, well.

Let me give you some ending advice. Proverbs 6, look

here on the screen. This is a passage actually talking

about financial commitment, but it applies here too. If you

have trapped yourself in an agreement called dating, and you're

caught by whatever you said, quick, Get out of it immediately.

Swallow your pride. Go and get your name released. Don't

put it off. Do it now. Don't rest until you do. Shoot,

blame me. Pastor Rick told me to do it. I

don't mind being the heavy. Proverbs 28, 23 on the screen.

In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. So

what I suggest you do is you don't keep prolonging

a relationship that you know is going nowhere. If you

know it's going nowhere, don't continue it. Well, I won't

have anybody to take me out on Friday night. A

bad marriage is a million times worse than not going

out on Friday night. And the longer you're in a relationship,

the more difficult it's gonna be to get out of it.

Does that make sense? So kind of size them up quickly.

Write these down, put them on a little card, pull

them out the first date. Let me ask you this, Christ.

Do you have uncontrolled anger? No, I don't. Are you selfish?

Can we talk about me? Are you greedy? Would you

pick up the tab? No. You can figure this one

out pretty quick. You don't have to be that blunt,

but if you want to get married, God bless you.

The Bible says, he who finds a wife findeth a

good thing. It's a good blessing. It is a blessing.

It is a blessing of God. You need to begin

a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself. If you haven't

done that, you need to start there. You need to

get spiritually connected to God. Get that third leg of

the stool already in your life. And then I want

to challenge all of you tonight to commit yourselves to

God's standard. I will not let oceans of emotion sway

me into making a stupid decision. I mean, given the

right situation, as I said, you can get a quiver

in your liver. That thrills me. And you fall in

love with the idea of being in love. But don't

make a stupid decision. Don't date until your own emotional

hurts are healed, or at least in the healing process,

and we can help you do that. Pastor Brad and

Pastor Tommy and all of our other pastors can help you.

We've got all kinds of groups to help you. Deal

with those things. Get them done. Get them settled. Close

the door. Get rid of the bitterness. Get rid of that.

You got an anger problem? Fine. You can get rid

of an anger problem. I've helped thousands of people get

rid of an anger problem. But don't carry that with you.

I remember marrying a couple many, many years ago here

at Saddleback. About five years later, we had them over

for dinner. And the woman told me, she said, you know, Rick,

when I walked down that aisle in that white dress,

she said, I had no idea that I was carrying

an entire bag of emotional garbage on my back. And

I took all that garbage into a marriage. Friends, Marriage

does not create problems, it reveals them. You need to

write that one down. Marriage doesn't create problems, it reveals them.

The problem was already there in you or in your

boyfriend or girlfriend. It was already there. And the more

you can deal with it before you get married, the

happier marriage is gonna be, the more God-honoring it's gonna be,

the more fulfilling it's gonna be. And you will have

that deep soul intimacy that is personal, it is relational,

it is sexual, it is spiritual. It is the oneness

that comes from being unified in our relationship to God,

our relationship to our purpose, our relationship to our calling,

our relationship to each other. Discover and clarify your mission first.

Get involved. in a church. If you're not a part

of Saddleback Church, welcome. We welcome you to be a

part of Saddleback now. You're not gonna go find what

you want sitting at home and you're not gonna go

find it in a singles bar either. Go slow. Find

out all you can about their family background. And then

once you've decided to get married, get premarital counseling. There's

so much more I could say, but our time's up.

Let's bow our heads. Father, we've got all kinds of

needs represented here in this place. We've got some marriage

couples who are struggling with their relationships. There are single

adults who've been hurt in a previous marriage. There are

those who would love to be married, but the opportunity

hasn't arisen. Regardless of our situation, help us to realize

that what we need most is to turn to you, Jesus,

and follow your instructions. Help us to realize we always

create unnecessary problems when we ignore what you tell us

to do. And it's very clear what you've told us

to do. Who to avoid in life. And there are

marriages that are represented here tonight that are hurting because

there's no spiritual oneness. But there are also a lot

of single adults here who have the ache of loneliness

in their heart. I love them, Lord. This church loves them.

We love them. And I thank you for bringing them

to our church family. And as a pastor of this flock,

I ask you to bring healing to my flock. Bring

healing to those of my family here who are hurting

and bring hope to those who feel hopeless right now

of ever getting married. You are a miracle working God.

And I ask you to make some miraculous changes in

people's lives and in their relationships today. What are those

who need the courage to end a relationship that's going nowhere?

Help them to speak the truth in love. That in

the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. Now you pray. Say, Father,

I need your help in my relationships. First, I need

you to work on me. So we've gone through this list.

There's some stuff I need to work on. You know

where I'm insecure. You know where I ache. You know

where I hurt. You know where I need to heal

and change. And you know the needs that only you

can meet in my life and I wanna trust you

to be my savior, not some man and not some girl.

I wanna trust you to be my savior, not anybody else.

Help me to clarify my life purpose, the reason you

put me on this earth. Help me to build spiritual

partnership to connect with other believers thank you for bringing

me to this great church family if you're married here

tonight I ask you to just pray Lord help me

to build spiritual oneness with my spouse And for those

of you who are single, say, Lord, today I commit

to your standards for choosing a mate. If I ever

decide to marry, I want to do it your way

and on your terms. And I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.