Rick Warren - 8 Qualities You Must Develop In Relationships, According to the Bible

You will make more friends in two months being interested

in others than you will in two years of trying

to be interesting. People are waiting for people to be

interested in them. Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested.

The world is looking for people who will be interested

in them. There is an epidemic of loneliness in our world.

I don't know if you've been reading about it. I

probably read 20, 30, 40 articles this week on the

epidemic of loneliness all around the world. The fact that

over half of America in poll after poll has said,

I'm lonely. And these are at every age and stage

of life. Little children say, grade school kids say, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely. Teenagers say, I'm lonely. Young adults say, I'm lonely.

Middle aged married couples say, I'm lonely. Elderly people say,

I'm lonely. Over half of Americans at every single stage

and age of life say, I'm lonely.

That's an epidemic.

We've never had those numbers ever in the history of

the United States of America. It's worse in some other countries.

In Britain, The number of British citizens who say I'm

lonely has now risen to 68%. It's such an epidemic

that the Prime Minister of England last year appointed a

new cabinet officer called the Minister of Loneliness.

I'm not making this up.

They have a cabinet minister for loneliness because 68% of

the Brits say I'm lonely. And we find this in

country after country after country. I was talking to our

high school pastor, Jason, this week. He told me he

was recently at a high school student camp, and they

asked kids who were lonely to stand up, maybe 1,000

kids at this camp, and he said about 80% of

the kids stood up. saying, I experience loneliness on a

regular basis. Part of it is social media itself. Rather

than going out on a Saturday night, you stay home

and you look at your screen on what everybody else

is doing, and you talk about it. And there's this

fear of missing out, FOMO, fear of missing out, that's

plaguing Generation Z, which is the first generation to actually

grow up without having screens, you know, phones, all of

the time. Now the Bible has a lot to say

about loneliness. In fact, it starts in the first couple

chapters when God says it is not good for man

to be alone. It's the first thing God said was

not good about the earth. God hates loneliness. Loneliness, if

you have loneliness in your life, that is not part

of God's plan for your life. We were made in

the image of God, which means we're relational. And because

we're relational, human beings are social creatures. We're made to

be together. We're better together. We're not made to be solitary.

And so the Bible has a lot to say. I

went through all of the scriptures this week that deal

with loneliness, with friend, friendship, friendliness. There are literally hundreds

and hundreds and hundreds of verses in the Bible about

the importance of you having friends. You need them not

just for your happiness, you need them for your health.

Studies have shown that the fewer friends you have, the

sooner you're more.

Likely to die.

That it is unhealthy for you to not have healthy

friendships in your life. So God made us for relationships.

And we're gonna look today, this weekend, at a ton,

literally a ton of Bible verses on how to form

healthy relationships. Now, there are a lot of different kinds

of friendships. But specifically, I would categorize a couple being

close friendships and casual friendships. If you wanna write this

on your outline, casual friends, okay, casual friends in your

life may be the result of my circumstances. When I

meet people at work, or I meet people at school,

or I meet people in the neighborhood, or I meet

people in some sports, kids in soccer, what like that,

those are typically casual relationships, because they're just people that

you happen to bump into, you run into. Those are

the casual relationships that come as a result of circumstances.

But your closest friends should not be the result of circumstance,

they should be the result of choices. My choices, not

my circumstances, but my choices. Your close friends should not

be accidental. You should choose them wisely because you can't

be close to everybody. Now the fact is, the closer

I am to people in my life and the closer

people are to me in my life, the greater the impact,

the greater the influence they're gonna have on my life.

The people who are closest to you are obviously gonna

influence your life a whole lot more than the people

who are simply casual acquaintances. Now, if that's true and

the people who are closest to you better be influencing

you for good and for God because it's dangerous. So

I should choose my closest friends wisely. Now, the Bible

has a lot to say about this. There on your outline,

I just put one verse. Proverbs chapter 12, verse 26

Proverbs 12:26

says this. A righteous person is cautious in friendships. That

means you're choosy, you're selective. You don't just arbitrarily say,

anybody can be close to me. A righteous person is

cautious in friendship because the ways of evil people can

lead them to do wrong.

Now, what I want us to look.

At this weekend is forming healthy relationships. And I want

us to do a couple things. I want us to

look at the kind of people you should not choose,

because the Bible has a lot to say about that.

The kind of people should not be your closest friends.

And then look at the kind of qualities you should

look for in your closest friends. And then I want

to give you some building blocks, the eight or so

building blocks of how do you build healthy, lifelong friendships,

satisfying friendships in life. Now assisting me is gonna be

Pastor Curt Johnston. Pastor Curt Johnston's our senior student pastor

of all of our, he used to be junior high pastor,

then he was over junior high and senior high, now

he's over college junior, senior high, children's ministry, he's basically

our family and life development pastor. And a number of

years ago, Curt wrote a book on this. He wrote

a book on how to build friendships. In fact, here's

what it looks like. And it's for students. And I

was reading that book and I go, man, I should

just let him preach because it was really good stuff.

One of the things that's in that book is this

circle thing.

Maybe. There it is.

And Kurt talks about four different circles. He says, you know,

on the outer circle are your casual friends. That's your

biggest circle, so there's room for a lot of them. Now,

you don't spend a lot of time with these people,

but they're your casual friends. But you don't see them

that much, so there's a limited influence on them and

them on you. A little bit in, in the next

circle in, is what he calls your close friends. And

there's not as much room for as many, because you

can't be a close friend to everybody. And so you

don't have as many in that circle but you have

more time spent together with your close friends and there

is increased influence, you on them and them on you.

But then he said there's an inner circle that's right

around you that he calls your core friends. I'd never

heard this before but I like this phrase, your core friends.

And you only have room for a handful of those, three, four,

five or so of your core friends. You get lots

of time spent together. there's high influence on each other. Now,

while I like Kurt's circles, this is exactly what Jesus did.

Jesus loved everybody. He fed the 5,000. He trained the 120.

He discipled 12. He mentored three. I'll say it again.

Jesus loved everybody. There was nobody Jesus didn't love. He

fed the 5,000, he trained the 120, he discipled 12,

he mentored three. Only Peter, James, and John got to

go in the Garden of Gethsemane. Only Peter, James, and

John got to go up on the Mount of Transfiguration.

Only Peter, James, and John got to see Jesus heal

Peter's mother-in-law. Was Jesus playing favorites?

Yes, he was.

He was spending the maximum amount of time with those

who would bear the maximum responsibility. Later in the book

of Galatians, Paul says, Peter, James, and John, he calls them,

different James, but Peter, James, and John, the pillars of

the church. Obviously it worked. He invested the maximum time

with the people who'd bear the maximum responsibility. He had

the greatest impact on the people he spent the most

time with, and they ended up being leaders. So you

need to go home and make this circle list because

some of you are stressed out because you have too

many VDPs and you don't have enough VIPs in your life.

You know the difference.

VIPs are very inspirational people. VIPs, very inspirational. VDPs are

very draining people. Now don't look at them.

Be cool.

When you have more VDPs than you have VIPs in

your life, that's called.

Stress, friend. What?

Draining people in your life, and if the draining people

are the closest, guess what? You're out of energy. You're

out of gas. So while this is a message that

I wanna teach parents how to help their kids have

healthy relationships, all you big grown up kids need this too.

And you need to go home and you need to

be more intentional about your friendships. And you might go

home and say, who's in my casual circle? And write

their names in. And who's in my close circle? And

who's in my core? And should they be there? Should

somebody else be in my core? If you'll do this,

you will find your fulfillment level going up and your

stress level going down because my guess is you've probably

got too many of the wrong people in the wrong circle.

So Kurt's gonna help me with this message. Now first,

I want us to look at what the Bible.

Says you're not to choose as close friends. Who are

you to not choose?

Because the Bible says a righteous person is cautious in

friendship because they can influence you if they're really close.

And God says that there's some people that you should avoid. Now,

this is just a partial list. I'm only gonna give

you five or six people.

There are others.

You could go through the book of Proverbs and get

all the rest of them. But let me just give

you five or six people who should not be your

closest friends according to what God says. Now, before I

say that, would you agree that the wrong people can

pull you down? If I'm standing here up on this

stage and you're standing down there, is it easier for

me to pull you up or for you to pull

me down?

There's no question.

Okay, it's the law of gravity, it's easier for you

to pull me down than to pull you up. This

is why I don't believe in missionary dating. You know, well,

I'm gonna bring him to the Lord through our dating life.

I'm sure that's what he's thinking. Praise the Lord. So,

have any of you ever seen anybody messed up by

the wrong friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course you have. So I don't have to

make this point to you. You know it's true that

there's some people you shouldn't have as your close friends.

Look up here on the screen.

Proverbs 18 24 says this. These are friends who destroy

each other. Have you ever seen a couple friends destroy

each other? Yeah, they weren't real friends. They were competing

with each other, they were fighting with each other, they

were nagging at each other, they were detrimental to each other,

they were pulling each other down.

Those aren't real friends.

So let me just give you a partial list of

five or six kinds of people should not be your

closest friends. Number one, we're not gonna spend a lot

of time on these, because I want to get to

the positive stuff.

Number one, people who like to argue. Really? That's what

the Bible says.

People who like to argue should not be your closest friends.

Have you noticed that some people love conflict? They get

energized by it. Fighting makes them come alive. It's like

they're not even alive unless they're in the middle of

a fight. And they're always against something. There's that kind

of warrior spirit. They just like to fight. And wherever

they go, they cause conflict. They're irritating, they're agitating. God says,

you don't hang out with those kind of people. Proverbs 20,

verse three. Any fool can start arguments. The honorable thing

is to stay out of them. Circle the word stay out.

Somebody starts getting in an argument in your office, walk away.

Says the wise thing, the honorable, the wise thing is

to stay out of them. Number two, here's another one.

This is really gonna be touchy. People who gossip. Well,

there just went all my friends. You say, you know,

you think of that, people who gossip. Did you know

that God hates gossips? He hates gossip, he hates gossiping,

he says it's detrimental, he says the gossiper is the

friend to the saboteur. They sabotage relationships. Gossips are destructive,

and the Bible judges the sin of gossip very, very harshly.

What is gossip? Let me give you the definition.

Gossip is sharing information when you're neither part of the

problem nor part of the solution.

Uh-oh.

Sharing damaging information when you're neither part of the problem

nor part of the solution. And for Christians, the worst

part is when we hide gossip as a prayer request.

I'd like for you to pray about this. What I

heard about so-and-so.

It's been on my heart to pray about this. Well

don't use prayer as an excuse to gossip. The Bible

says in Proverbs 20 verse 19, stay away from gossips.

Proverbs 20:19

They can't keep a secret and they tell everything. So

stay away from people who like to argue, stay away

from people who gossip. Number three, you're to stay away

and not have as close as friends, people who flatter others.

People who flatter others. Now what is flattery? Flattery is

false praise. Flattery is insincere compliments. Flattery is the person

who kisses up to the boss at work and then

behind them says the exact opposite about that boss. They schmooze.

They lay it on. They're kissing up.

They're hypocritically appealing to ego. And when you see people flattering,

whether it's a girl or a guy on the school

campus kissing up to the most popular person or whether

it's an adult doing it in an office situation or

a sales situation, the Bible says you need to run

the opposite way. Stay away from flatterers. Proverbs 29 verse

five says.

This, flattery is a trap.

Evil people get caught in it, but good people avoid

it and are free. I don't have time to go

into this, but the Bible says that people who flatter

you actually hate you. That flattery is disguised hatred. And

they'll say one thing to your face. Well, look at

these verses. You ever met any people like this?

Here's a verse. Proverbs 64, verse two.

They are friendly to my face, but they curse me

in their hearts, and they delight in telling lies about me.

There are entire reality shows built on that verse. where

they say something to your face and flatter you oh

you look so great and then or here's another one

look at this verse psalm 109 verse 5 for being

Psalms 109:5

friendly and kind they paid me back with meanness and

hatred mean girls mean boys this happens on every campus

but it happens in adulthood too the bible says stay

away from people who flatter you number four You should

stay away and not have as your closest friends people

who can't control their temper. The Bible has a lot

to say about the rageaholic. The rageaholic. Now, you could

be two different ways to express rage. Be a mute

and be a martyr or be a manic and be

a Mount Vesuvius. Everybody's either a skunk or a turtle.

And when you get angry, turtles pull into a shell

and poor me and they, you know, Everybody hates me,

nobody loves me, I'm gonna go eat worms. And you

have a pity party and you invite me, myself, and I.

Or you can be Mount Vesuvius or you can be

a skunk. When a skunk is upset, they let everybody

know it. And they stink up the whole place. The

Bible says people who can't control their temper, they should

not be your closest friends.

They're hot-headed, short-fused.

That they're volatile, they're rash, they blow up quickly, they're

easily upset. Here's what the Bible says, Proverbs 22, verse

Proverbs 22:24

24 and 25. Don't make friends with hot-tempered people, with

a hot-tempered person. Don't associate with anyone easily angered. They

get ticked off at everything. You have to walk on

eggshells around them. Or don't associate with those who are

easily angered or you'll learn to be like them and

not able to change. Anger, like a lot of other emotions,

is contagious. Loneliness is contagious. Depression is contagious. A lot

of things are contagious. A lot of emotions are contagious.

The people you hang out with, that's what you're gonna

become like. Now, you say, well, I don't know anybody,

hot-tempered people. Are you listening to talk radio? Because they're

all on that. Are you watching talk TV? There are

some shows, if you find your blood pressure rising, you

just shouldn't listen to. All they're doing is feeding rage

inside you. We're gonna come back and talk about this

next month, but that's another one. Let me give you

one more, a couple more. Here's one, people who steal

or shoplift. Now, I don't know many adults who know

people who are shoplifting, but a lot of teenagers know

teenagers who are shoplifting. But there are people who are

stealing They're office blind and everybody knows it. Thieves, the

Bible says, are self-centered and if they steal from others,

you know what, they'll steal from you. So you don't

want them to be your closest friend. People who steal

are shoplift. Look at this verse up here on the screen.

Proverbs 1, verses 13 to 15. This is what they say.

Proverbs 1:13–15

They say, come on, let's take all kinds of valuable things. Okay,

you know, all the resources at the office. Let's fill

our houses with stolen goods. Come join us, we'll share

the stolen goods. But do not go along with them

and do not do what they do.

He says, you know, just stay away from those people.

And if you have a teenager who has a friend

who is a shoplifter, you need to show them that verse,

all right?

Let me give you one more. This one's the tough

one of all. Number six.

I should not have as my closest friend believers who

sin sexually.

Believers.

Notice I didn't say unbelievers. I said believers who sin sexually.

Why not everybody? Well, let me give you a principle.

You might write this down. Here it's on the screen.

Never expect unbelievers to act like believers until they are.

This is why I don't believe in trying to make

laws to make non-Christians act like Christians or make unbelievers

act like believers.

Why?

The Bible says they don't have the power to change.

The whole book of Romans was written to say that

until Christ is in my life, I don't have the

power to change things in me. So to expect other

people to act like people who have God's power in

their life is getting the cart before the horse. Never

expect an unbeliever to act like a believer until they are.

I don't. God doesn't. And you shouldn't.

But here's what the Bible says, look up here on

the screen. First Corinthians five, nine to 11. Paul says,

you know, when I told you not to associate with

people who indulge in sexual sin, I wasn't talking about

unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, because you'd have to

leave this whole world to avoid all of them. Duh,

what I meant was you're not associate with anyone who

claims to be a Christian and yet indulges. and sexual sin,

or is greedy, or abusive, or gets drunk. Don't even

eat with such people, why? Because they're a bad witness.

Because they are a bad representation of Christ. Any of

those four things, he says, is not a good representation

of Jesus, and if you call yourself Christian, and you

hang out with somebody else who claims to be a Christian,

but is acting in a non-Christ-like way, he goes, that's

a problem. So those are some people we're to stay

away from. But the Bible also has a lot of

positive advice on the kind of people you should choose

as your closest friend. And Pastor Kurt is gonna come

and talk about that.

Welcome him.

Well, I'm not sure if you caught it a moment ago,

but Rick gave us all a homework assignment.

Did you know he gave us homework assignments?

If you weren't paying attention in class, I'm gonna put

the homework assignment back up on the screen. If we

can put the picture of the circles back up on

the screen. And if you have a phone, as those,

that graph of the circles, take out your phone and

take a picture of that. Take a picture of that

and that will remind you as you're scrolling through your

photos or looking at your phone that Rick gave us

an assignment and that is to at some point in

the near future to do some evaluating of our friendships

and who's in what circle and do we like what

we see because our friends have a great influence on us.

Now Rick has spent some time talking about the casual

and the close and what I want to spend a

little bit of time today is talking about Who do

we choose as those core friends? Rick mentioned the closer

they are, the more influence they have on us. We've

only got room for a handful of core friends, men

and women friends who make a strong impact and have

a close influence on our lives.

The question is begged, okay, well how do I decide?

Who should be a core friend, especially if they're gonna

have some extra influence? Now again, there's all sorts of qualities.

all sorts of important qualities that we should consider when

we're picking our core friends. I'm gonna focus on three

that scripture seems to give a little bit extra attention to.

So here are three qualities to look for in your

core friends. First, choose friends who encourage me spiritually. Choose

friends who encourage me spiritually. 1 Thessalonians 5.11 says this.

Encourage one another and build each other up.

Now, here's the thing.

This verse isn't talking about compliments. There's a difference between

compliments and encouragement. Compliments are nice, but they tend to

be shallow. A compliment, oh, Kurt, your teeth look really

shiny tonight, right?

That's a compliment.

Kurt.

Kurt.

You look a little less bald than last time I

saw you. Okay, thank you. That's nice. I'm glad you

said that. But that's not encouragement. That's a compliment.

Encouragement are things that go a little bit deeper, a

little bit further below the surface. Encouragement matters a little

bit more and carries more significance than a compliment.

And God wants us to.

Surround ourselves, our most core friends, with people who are

a source of encouragement. Now the dictionary defines encouragement this way.

The action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope. That's encouragement.

The action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope. I

like this other definition. It's a lesser known definition of encouragement.

It's simply this. To fill the heart. encouragement is to

fill the heart.

When you give somebody support, when you give somebody confidence,

when you're a source of hope, what you're doing is

you are filling their heart.

Now, a couple quick examples.

When I was in high school and college, one of

my core friends, we had this group of core friends,

and like what happens in a lot of friendship circles

is there's always one that seems.

To kind of miss out on the information.

This was back when you actually had to pick up

a phone that was attached to a cord that was

attached to.

The wall and make a phone call.

And so because of all the effort that went into

being good friends back in the day, this one friend

would always get left out. And for some reason, when

he was left out, I was the person he would call.

And there was almost this routine in our friendship where

we would go out and do something We would forget

about our one friend and I would get the phone

call and it would go something like this.

Ring, ring, hello?

Hey Kurt, I heard you guys went to Disneyland last night.

You didn't invite me. Real cool, chump. And he'd hang up.

Click.

Ring, ring. Hey Kurt, I heard you guys went to

the movies last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool, chump, click.

It was a routine, I was so afraid of, I

couldn't do anything without upsetting my friend for him not

being included. Hey Kurt, I heard you folded your underwear

last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool, I mean no

matter what we did, if he wasn't included, it was

this issue. And when I start thinking about encouragement, and

I had to make the decision, Is my friend somebody

who gives me support, confidence, and hope?

Or is he a source of tension?

As I evaluated my circle of friends, I had to

make a decision that maybe that's.

Not somebody I want in my core circle. He didn't

fill my heart.

One of my good friends right now, Eddie, lives in Atlanta.

We hardly ever see each other.

And yet every time I'm with Eddie Northern, every time,

whether it's for coffee or an extended weekend together, when

I'm in Atlanta or he's here on business, if I

spend five minutes, 50 minutes, five hours with Eddie, I

walk away and my heart is full. He just has

a way of encouraging me and supporting me and breathing

confidence into my life. Those are the kind of friends

that God says you should have closest to you. So

choose friends who encourage me spiritually. You see, part of

feeling lonely, and as Pastor Rick so perfectly set up

this whole topic, loneliness is a big, big struggle. In fact,

current statistics say that 65% of 12 to 17-year-olds, 65%,

experience loneliness on a regular basis.

It's a big deal.

And part of this loneliness that we feel is because

our hearts aren't filled up. We feel lonely because we

don't have the kind of friendships that fill our hearts.

We have friendships that are full of some of these

other negative things that Pastor Rick encouraged us to avoid.

Here's a second quality in your core friends. It's to

choose friends who consistently support me emotionally. Choose friends who

who consistently support me emotionally. I love this verse, Proverbs 17,

17 says this, a friend loves you all the time.

Do me a favor and underline that, all the time.

A friend loves you all the time like a brother

born to help in trouble.

Now it's been.

Said that a true friend, and how you judge your

true friends, is that a true friend walks in When

everybody else walks out. That when you're going through trouble,

you know you're friends by the people who walk into

your life versus the people who tend to walk out.

So what does it look like to walk into somebody's life?

Here's what walking in means. You might want to just

jot these down someplace. Walking in means saying I'm here

with you, not just I'm here for you. You notice

the difference? I'm here with you, not just, hey, if

you need anything, I know you're going through a tough time.

If you need anything, I'm here for you. When you

say I'm here for you, you're putting all the burden

on them to reach out to you in their moment

of need. When you say I'm here with you, what

you're saying is I'm gonna be proactive, I'm gonna walk

this journey with you, I will be with you every

step of the way, and you look for ways to

model that you're there with them.

Walking in means listening.

The best emotional support that you can give somebody is

usually just to sit and be quiet. When people are

going through a tough time, less words, more listening. Saying

I'm here with you means I'm listening to what you

have to say and I'm willing to be with you

in it. Walking in means serving your friends. Walking in

means serving your friends, looking for ways to proactively be

an emotional support, a physical support, whatever it is that they.

Might need you to be. Third, choose friends who challenge

me to think, oh, this is the tough one. This

is the tough, if I can be honest for a minute,

just the two of us. Just me and you. I

don't like this one.

I don't like this one. That God wants me to

choose friends who challenge me to think. Proverbs 13, 20 says,

if you keep company with wise friends, you'll become wise.

But if you make friends with foolish people, your life

will fall to pieces. You see, I like to be

friends with people who kind of think like I do.

I like to be friends with people who have some

of the same dumb beliefs, dumb opinions, strange worldview.

I like people who are like me.

And when somebody starts pushing up against that, I have

a tendency to fight it.

I don't want to be challenged.

Come on, if you're really my friend, just kind of

agree with me, put up with me. I'm kind of

half-baked and dumb-idead sometimes, and you should be okay with that.

You know, dumb and dumber? Great movie, great movie.

Not a good recipe for healthy friendships, right? Dumb and

dumber doesn't make for healthy friendships. I need people in

my life, you need people in your life who are willing,

not in an argumentative, judgmental way, but friends who are

willing to call you on your stuff.

Iron sharpens iron.

One of my very best core friends is actually the

gentleman that co-wrote the book that Pastor Rick talked about

earlier with me. And if you were to say the

three or four most important life issues, Mark and I

would agree 100%.

Of the time on those three or four core life issues.

Of the three or four million non-essential life issues, Mark

and I would disagree about 99.9% of the time. We

just see things differently. We've experienced our faith differently. We've

raised our kids differently. The way he and his wife

navigate society. things is different than the way my wife

and I navigate things. He has two children that they're

exact same age as our kids. The way they've raised

their kids is different than the way we've raised our kids.

And we have had over the years these passionate, wonderful, challenging, stretching,

confusing conversations. And moments and times where we get eye

to eye and knee to knee and say, bro, here's

what I think about that. Here's what I'm seeing. Here's

where I differ. And the result has been wonderful. It's

been wonderful. I'm a better dad because he's challenged me.

I'm a better husband because he sees things differently about

marriage than I do. I'm a better follower of Jesus

because he has challenged experienced his faith in some ways

that are different than my journey, and it's added this

layer of richness and this layer of depth to my life.

The easy thing in friendships is just to surround yourselves

with like-minded people. Birds of a feather flock together. That's

the easiest route to take. It's the road of least resistance.

But if you want rich, meaningful, life-giving, heartfelt, filling relationships,

I would encourage you to take God's advice and choose

friends who challenge you to think.

Now that homework, that homework that Rick mentioned.

Is something I'm going to ask you to do as

we kind of move through some more parts of this

message is this week, this week sometime, I'm going to

ask you to take a look at that picture, maybe

draw it out on a napkin or a piece of paper,

write out those casual friends. Write out the close friends,

and in regards to these three things, take a look

at who you put in your core friend category, and

ask yourself, do these people, do they encourage me spiritually,

do they support me emotionally, and do they challenge me

to think?

Thanks.

Let me give you a sentence to write down to

kind of summarize everything Kurt and I are trying to say.

My best friends should bring out the best in me.

My best friends should bring out the best in me.

If they're not bringing out the best in you, they're

not really your best friends. Somebody else should be your

best friend. If your best friends aren't bringing out the best,

they're not your best. So write that down and when

you're looking at your friendships and do an evaluation of that,

Think about that. Are these my best friends? Are they

bringing out the best in me or not? Now, let's

switch gears and talk about the opposite. And that is this.

Here's another sentence you might wanna write down. To have

great friends, I must be a great friend. You might

write that one down. That's where we're going now in

the next part of this message. To have great friends,

I have to be a great friend. I can't expect

people to be to me what I'm not being to them.

And so whatever I want other people to do with me,

I need to do with them. You will attract what

you are. If you're a great friend, guess what? You

will attract great friends. So that's a factor that we

need to look at now. Let's look at eight building

blocks on how to be a great friend according to

the Bible, according to what God says, and he's always

gonna be right. So let's just go through these eight.

I'm gonna take some of them, Kurt's gonna take some

of them. Building blocks of close relationships. Eight factors for

forming friendships. Number one, be cheerful. Greet people with a smile.

Now that may seem kind of obvious, but when you

take a friend for granted, you often don't smile at them.

There is an enormous power in a simple smile. A

smile can change an atmosphere overnight, instantly. It can change

a room. The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

A smile is a universal language. It is known all

around the world. If you smile at somebody else, guess what?

They're gonna smile back at you. You don't have to

know their language, but if you smile, they will smile.

It is the one thing that's understood besides the international

finger of disapproval.

Everybody knows that one too. But this is a better

one that everybody knows.

And that is if you smile at somebody, they're gonna

smile back.

It's a universal language.

The great thing about a smile, it costs nothing, but

you can cheer up somebody who's having a tough time

just by smiling at that clerk, at that grocery store

stock person, at anybody you come across with walking down

the street, you know, the post office person or whatever.

Studies have shown that when you smile, you actually become cuter.

Well, there you go.

You don't have to lose that weight after all, just

start smiling. If you smile, you will be more attractive.

Study after study after study say that when a person smiles,

they instantly become more attractive.

How'd that work? I don't think so. That wasn't a smile,

that was a grin.

I think sourpuss Christians are an insult to the joy

of God. They look like they were baptized in vinegar.

And they just go, come on. They walk around with

these long faces. They're an embarrassment to God. How many

of you are happy? Can I see your hands? You're

really happy, okay. How many of you are thrilled that

you're saved and you're going to heaven?

All right, okay. Notify your face.

You know, it only takes seven muscles to smile. It

takes 42 to frown. If you're frowning, you're wasting a

lot of energy. Now, notice what the Bible says. Proverbs 15,

Proverbs 15:30

verse 30. A cheerful look brings joy to the heart. Now,

here's an interesting thing about that verse. We think the opposite.

A cheerful heart brings a smile to the face. But

the Bible says the opposite. A cheerful heart brings a

smile to the face, but this verse says a cheerful

face a cheerful look brings joy to the heart. Did

you know that your facial muscles can change the mood

of your heart?

That when you don't.

Feel happy, if you'll just start smiling, it will change

your mood. I guarantee it, study after scientific study have

shown that when you actually start smiling, then it'll actually

change your mood. I can't tell you how many times

I've been driving to church to preach on Sunday morning,

and I didn't feel like preaching. I just like to

stay home, watch football. And I've already done that a

few times, so how about now? And what I do

is I just start smiling. And I look at myself

in the mirror. I just start smiling. Hey, that guy's happy.

Look at that guy. By the time I get here,

I'm ready to smile at all of you. We think

your heart has to change before you smile. God says

if you start smiling, it'll change your heart.

Okay?

So when you get up in the morning, just start smiling.

Forcing that smile in your face. Now, by the way,

while you're at it, use friendly language. Look at this

next verse. The Lord is pleased with what?

Friendly words. Circle that.

Did you know that any time you say a friendly

word to anybody, it doesn't have to be some kind

of witness.

It's just a friendly word.

God is pleased. The Lord is pleased with friendly words.

Proverbs 15, 26. You know, The problem we have today is,

you know, the world seems to be getting crankier and crankier.

Would you agree with that?

It just seems like everybody's in a cranky mood and,

you know, nobody wants to be a friend with a

cranky person. I heard this week about a cranky, cantankerous

guy who came into a, oh, it was a flower shop,

a florist, and he was all upset because they'd gotten

the order wrong, and he said, you got my order wrong,

you made a mistake, I ordered flowers for my friend's

new housewarming, and you sent a bouquet that said, rest

in peace. And he was just being cranky.

And.

I turned to him and I said, well, just think

about somewhere there's a graveside that says, I hope you

enjoy your new location. You got a problem? You think

that's a problem? Somebody's got a worse problem than you do.

So just start off smiling. You'll make friends just by smiling.

If you'll just, you know, do that. Now I know

some of you, that's kinda hard, but you can learn

to do that. Number two, be comfortable. Second key to

building friendships, be comfortable. Relax and be yourself. That's the

second key to building great friendships. Relax and be yourself.

Be comfortable with you.

You say, but.

Rick, if I be me, they might not like the

real me. Well, if they're not gonna like the real you,

they're never gonna be your friend in the first place.

And if they don't like the real you, they don't

deserve to be your friend.

And if they don't.

Like the way you really are, they're not worthy of

your friendship. So any person, you have to be somebody

different than who you are to be their friend, is

not a friend.

They're not a friend.

So if you can't just be who you are, then

you don't want them as a friend, they aren't worthy

as a friend, and they're never gonna be your friend

in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself,

and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend

and who's not. You have to love yourself before you

can love anybody else.

You have to think you're worthy.

If you missed last week's message on identity, go back

and listen to that, about that you have something significant

to give to the world. Go back and listen to

that again on those five reasons why you can feel

good about you. Jesus in Matthew 22, 39 said this,

the second greatest command in the whole Bible is this,

love your neighbor.

As you love yourself.

You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.

You know why?

Because if I don't like me and I don't feel

good about me, I certainly don't want you feeling good

about you.

So I'm gonna be.

Constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down,

because I don't feel good about me. That's why anytime

you find somebody in your family, an in-law, a parent,

anybody who's constantly picking, picking, picking, it just means one thing,

they don't feel good about themselves.

Hurts people. Hurt people.

Hurt people hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else

in the family, it means they need massive doses of

love because they're hurting. Insecure people want everybody else to

be insecure, so they're constantly perfectionist, biting, arguing and nipping

at everything. They're just revealing their own hurt. They reveal,

hurt people hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors, you

love yourself. You gotta be comfortable with you. And if

you're not comfortable with you, that's why you don't have

many friends. You just need to start realizing, as we

talked about last week, God says, you are my masterpiece.

I made you to be you, and nobody else in

the world could be you. That's one advantage you have

over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now, if you

can't be around them, then, then it's not gonna be

a real friendship. That's why you don't want these kind

of friendships where you have.

To wear a mask.

2 Corinthians 4 verse two says this, we refuse, we

refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver,

we don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love that in

the message translation.

He's saying we're the real deal.

We're not perfect, but what you see is what you get.

We're authentic, we're the real deal. And if you can't

be real, then they're not gonna be your friend anyway.

Be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself. Be

comfortable in your own skin. Number three, be conversational. What

do I mean by that? Be conversational by asking questions.

Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking with somebody,

you're just meeting them for the first time, and you're

asking them questions about themselves, that's called a conversation. If

you're talking to somebody and all you're doing is talking

about yourself, that's called a monologue.

That is not a conversation.

When you're going and you're trying to impress everybody with

how cool you are, that's a monologue. That is not

a way to make friends. The way you make friends

is by asking questions.

And why?

Because questions shows you're interested in them. Philippians 2.4. Don't

just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others.

and in what they are doing. That's how you have friends,

be interested in others and what they're doing. Circle the

phrase be interested. I'm gonna give you something, if you

don't get anything else, this is one of the most

important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay, so I'm

gonna ask you to write it down. The secret of

making friends is to be interested, not interesting. The secret

of making friends is to be interested in them, not

interesting yourself. This is the biggest mistake people make in

trying to find friends. They're trying to be interesting. We're

trying to look cool, smell cool, sound cool, be cool,

wear cool clothes, great cool hairdo, and we want to

be the mysterious man of mystery or woman of mystery.

And we want to be interesting. Stop trying to be interesting.

Be interested.

Be interested in them. You'll have plenty of friends.

You will make more friends in two months being interested

in others than you will in two years of trying

to be interesting. Trying to be sexy, trying to be cool.

People are waiting for people to be interested in them.

And if you will be, put aside your ego and

be interested in them.

How do you be interested in them? Ask questions.

The more questions you ask, the more, you know, there's

sometimes I'll sit down with somebody at some, you know,

rubber chicken dinner banquet that I have to go to,

and I don't know them from Adam, but I'll just

start asking a series of questions, and I'll say hardly

anything that night. They're talking the whole time, and they

go away thinking, that Rick Warren, he's the greatest conversationalist

there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just got

them talking and I let them talk. Stop trying to

be interesting. Start being interested. The world is looking for

people who will be interested in them. And so that's

a real key. You ask questions. There's a verse here

on the screen. Write this down. Proverbs 20 verse five.

It says this. A person's thoughts are like water in

a deep well. But with insight, you can draw them out.

How do you draw people out? How do you get

people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of people?

Ask questions.

Learn to ask questions. You might make a list of

good questions you want to ask and keep them in

your pockets. When you're sitting on a plane next to somebody,

you can think, well, what are those questions I wanted

to ask? And you'll get, you'll involve them Be interested,

not trying to be interesting, okay? Let me give you

a fourth one. We said, okay, be cheerful, be comfortable,

be conversational. Number four, be considerate. That's what good friends are.

They're considerate. What does that mean?

Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen

well and everybody in the world is waiting to be

listened to. And if you are a good listener, you're

never gonna lack for friends. If you're willing to just

get out there and listen to people, you will never

lack for friends.

Why?

Because listening is loving. When I listen to you, I'm

giving you the most important thing in my life, my

time and my attention. I could always get more money,

but I can't get more time. I've only got a

certain amount of time in my life and I've only

got a certain amount of attention. When I give you

my time and attention, I'm never getting that back. That's

why right now you're giving me your time and attention.

That's why I work so hard on these messages. Because

I think it's a heavy burden to pastor a church

our size. Because I think if I waste an hour

of 30,000 people this weekend, I have just effectively wasted 30,000 hours.

That is a burden I do not carry lightly.

You want it? I'll give it to you. You can

preach next week.

But I'm always thinking, I don't wanna waste people's time

because time is your life. Wasting time is suicide. It's

killing your life. You're not gonna get any more time.

When I give people my attention, I'm giving the most

powerful thing I've got. People say, husbands say, I don't

understand my wife and kids. I give them everything they want.

I buy them everything.

What do they want? They want you. They want your attention.

Did you know that the average dad, latest study, spends

seven seconds a day with his kids?

That's not attention.

That's why they're paying more attention to the screens. Seven

seconds a day. So you pay attention, you listen, you empathize,

you pay attention. James chapter one verse 19. Let everyone

be quick to listen and slow to speak. Now, typically,

we do the opposite of that. We're quick to speak,

and we're slow to listen. When you're in a friendship,

you don't try to compete with your friend, one-upping them. Well,

their story, well, your story's better, and their tale, your

tale's better, and they did this, well, you did this better.

That's not friendship, that's competition. But if you become a

good listener, you're gonna have plenty of friends. Romans 12,

verse five, 15. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep

with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what

empathy is? Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy says, I'm sorry

you're hurt. That's sympathy, I'm sorry you're hurt. Empathy says,

I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is, I'm

sorry you're hurt. Empathy is, I hurt with you. Now,

there's a third level beyond that, and that's to be

like Jesus, and that's compassion. Compassion is, I will do

anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly, we

find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will do

whatever it takes to stop your hurt, even if it

means going to the cross for you.

I will die. That's how important you are to me.

But what I'm saying here is if you're gonna be

a friend, you're gonna have to learn how to share

some emotion. You gotta be happy when they're happy. You

gotta be sad when they're sad. You gotta enter into

their emotion. You gotta be empathetic. You gotta share their feelings.

Now, look.

Kurt's gonna come back in just a second, but I

wanna pause here and say something to those of you

who are parents who still have kids at home. All

these relational skills that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend,

they need to be taught at home. They're certainly not

gonna be taught in a classroom at school. They need

to be taught at home. And they need to be

modeled and they need to be practiced.

Where?

It's called the family dinner. I know it's going the

way of the dodo bird. Families don't eat dinner together anymore.

And that's why kids are lonely, because they haven't learned

the skills of how to take your turn listening. They

haven't learned the skills of how to ask questions. They

haven't learned the skills of how to talk as an

intelligent person with an adult, much less another kid. And

I wanna make a plea that if you're not having

family dinners, to reinstitute them. They're the best way to

teach relational skills. All right, just best way to teach them.

Just sit around, eat dinner together, and talk, and you

take turns listening, you take turns talking, and it has

to be modeled, it has to be practiced. If you

want kids, parents, to have great friends, you want your

kids to have great friends, you gotta do three things.

you gotta model attention and listening skills. Like I said,

eat dinner together. You gotta spend some time interacting in conversation,

not seven seconds a day, and you gotta be willing,

this is a tough one, to transport your kids to

their friends. Now if you're not willing to take your

kids to their friend's house, or not willing to bring

the kids to your house, don't complain when they're talking

to each other on the screen. If that's the only

way they can get together. because you're not willing to

let them have face-to-face connections. So it means a sacrifice.

I had to sacrifice some of my time to let

my kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being

a dad. It's called being a father. Now, if I'm

always looking at a screen phone as an adult, and

my kids see me doing that, I can't complain that

they're always looking at it, whether it's a video game

or something else. Don't blame them for not having friends

if I don't help them make contact with anybody.

They can't drive themselves. So there is a parental role here.

Real quickly, let's... Add a few more keys to building

healthy friendships.

The fifth one is to be consistent. To be consistent.

Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking with them in

tough times. Stick with them in tough times. If you're

known for being consistent, you'll be known for being a

good friend. Proverbs 18, 24 says, there are friends who

pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who

sticks closer than a brother.

Talking about consistency here.

Job 6.14 says, a despairing man should have the devotion

of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of

the Almighty. Now, if you're unfamiliar with Job, Job is

a gentleman who had it all. And when he had

it all, he had lots of friends, and then the

wheels began to fall off the cart, and he lost

it all. And Job quickly realized that as he was

losing it all, his friends were abandoning him. There was

not a I am with you in this moment. There

wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's an

entire book of the Bible dedicated, and you will learn

a ton about healthy friendships if you look at the

life of Job. A sixth key to building healthy friendships

is to be confidential.

To be confidential.

Don't gossip about them. Pastor Rick already hit on this,

so here's my pro tip. Just a quick, short little

pro tip is this. Your gossip will find you out.

Your gossip will find you out. If you think you're

gossiping in secret, you will become known for being a gossip.

Your friends will figure it out, and that will hinder

your friendship together. These verses speak to that. Proverbs 11, 13,

a true friend.

Will keep a secret.

And obviously, just as a side note, there are times

when a true friend can't keep a secret, right?

We know that.

But we're talking about those healthy confidences. When people are

opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle, that's the

kind of.

Stuff that you hold confident. You want to be a

safe sounding board.

When somebody shares secrets that are dangerous or harmful or hurtful,

that's a time where the best thing you can do

is to break that confidence and not to hold that secret.

Proverbs 11, 13 says this, no one who gossips can

be trusted. Your gossip will find you out. But you

can put your confidence in someone who is trustworthy. A

seventh key to building healthy friendships is to be candid.

Always tell the truth. Always tell the truth. Now here's

the thing, that is not an excuse to.

Be a jerk.

Some of the most hurtful words a friend has ever

said to another friend.

Is, I was just being honest. Why are you so upset?

I was just telling you the truth. It's not an

excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the

Bible that says the wounds of a friend bring healing.

So there will be times in a healthy friendship where

you have to be truthful and that truth might sting

a little bit. But when you're saying it in love,

when you're saying the truth in a way that when

the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a

sort of friend.

Of hope, support, encouragement. You're filling their heart.

The truth, even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and

strengthen a friendship. Proverbs 24, 26, an honest answer is

a sign of true friendship. And then eight, and we

could summarize the entire message on how to be a

healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this,

be Christ-like.

Be Christ-like.

And one of the best ways for us to try

to be Christ-like is to love them unconditionally.

To love people unconditionally.

In a world that begs for us to achieve and

to try to earn approval and to prove our worth,

When people know that you're somebody who just loves them

for who they are, they will be drawn to you

and you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships.

Romans 15, seven says, accept each other just as Christ

accepted you.

All the research shows, all the research.

Shows that the antidote to loneliness, the primary antidote to

loneliness is healthy friendships.

Over and over and over and over again.

The anecdote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key

to healthy friendships is to look at the model, and

Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means

to be a good friend. And when you can begin

to love people like Jesus loved people, what you will

begin to do is to become a person who fills

the hearts of others.

Thank you.

As we close, let me just ask you a couple questions.

Are your friends helping or hindering your spiritual growth? You know,

dating the wrong person can cause you to miss God's purpose.

Are you a great friend to others?

Which of these eight building blocks that we just went

through do you need to work on yourself? Which of

your friends do you need to invite to church? I

want to close with one last verse and it's John 15,

15 where Jesus says, I have called you my friends.

Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him? If you

have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you into my

life today. I want to be a friend of God.

I want to be a friend of Jesus. And I

want to know your purpose for my life. Father, help

us to be a church that's not just known as

a friendly church, but a church that's full of friends.

That we're friends to everyone. That we love everyone. But

that our closest friends are those that's strive to make

us grow, to bring out the best in us. May

we be best friends by bringing out the best in others.

And may we choose best friends who bring out the

best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name, amen.