Gospel Shaped Children

If you keep your Bibles open to Ephesians chapter 6 in particular,

Ephesians 6 · chapter mention

that's where we'll be spending most of our time.

If you're visiting today, then you've joined us in the midst of a series

on gospel-shaped family.

We've looked at relationships and how we're called to actually live

with a gospel shape to our relationships in general.

Then we've gone and looked at fathers, or sorry, not fathers, husbands,

and then wives, and now children,

and that relationship between children and parents.

I want to say that it's an interesting thing to talk about relationships in this way

because when you split them up, I think in part,

one of the things that we want to do is we kind of want to think about

the commands that actually benefit us.

I don't know if you find this, but husbands, I found,

were particularly attentive to the talk about wives,

and wives about husbands.

Surprise, surprise.

Now, children, I'm sure, are very keen to hear what parents should be doing,

and parents are very keen that their kids today, of all days,

will not be colouring in or doing anything else

but listening completely to what we're saying.

Hey, Chelsea, yeah?

Watching you.

Yeah.

Man, it's the way we are, isn't it?

We do kind of focus on things in that way.

We look for the benefit in ourselves.

Friends, I want to share with you a story,

and hopefully it helps us start to open up what we should be doing.

You see, all of these commands benefit all of us,

and they're all commands that we should all be embracing for the goodness of them

because they're God's commands to us.

Do you remember when I was a child and thinking through my relationship with my father?

I remember as a child, I may have told some of you guys this story before,

but I had an older brother who was really, really good at cricket,

and he was so good at cricket that I couldn't lift.

I was quite small for my age, so I couldn't wield his bat.

I couldn't move it quick enough for the way he would bowl,

so I'd have to use a skinny little bat that made me even more at a disadvantage.

We'd play backyard cricket, and he'd bowl these balls,

and I could barely see them.

They were like a blur to me as a little kid.

And as I'd play cricket, I'd just be not wanting to be hit by the ball,

hoping that at some point the ball actually hit the bat,

and that I would last at least an over or so.

I couldn't get out first ball.

That was my one saving thing.

We had a rule.

You can't get out first ball.

But there was one time of the day when I actually enjoyed those cricket games,

and that was when my father got home.

You see, my father knew that there was an imbalance.

He could see what was going on.

And so what he would do is he'd actually come along.

He'd play with us for a little while,

and when it was my turn to bat, he'd come and help me.

And what he would do is, me as a little titchy little kid,

he'd lean over me and place his hands over my hands on the cricket bat.

And then, suddenly, what I had was the capacity of an adult

to actually engage in the game.

My father would anticipate my brother's bowling

and respond to it quicker than I could,

and with way more power than I could.

Sometimes, as he would see the ball coming,

he would just swing the bat so quickly and so hard

that he would lift me off my feet.

And as he pounded the ground,

as you do when you're waiting for the ball to come,

I could feel the vibration through my feet.

So much strength involved.

Now, friends, when that was happening,

when my father was leaning over me,

holding my hands and helping me to bat,

when I was scoring all of those runs,

who was it?

Who was it that was scoring those runs?

Who was it that was successfully batting?

Was it God?

Thinking in terms of our lives,

was it my father?

Or was it me?

I want to tell you, yes.

And when we apply this to God,

and when we think about our relationship with our parents,

I want you to think the same thing.

That as we approach this issue of parenting,

and as we think about who we are as God's precious children,

what we're seeing here is a picture of that dynamic unfolding

in our lives, in our relationships.

Father to childs.

Lending the strength.

Lending the strength.

Providing what we lack as children.

And enabling us to perform and to act in a way

that we never could on our own.

So with that in mind, with that image in mind,

let's actually sort of immerse ourselves in the passage here

and actually see how that unfolds.

See, Paul opens with a command to children.

He says,

Children, obey your parents.

Children, that is your immediate offspring.

It's not age or gender specific, this particular word.

And the implication in verse 4, at least,

is that they're still being shaped by the instruction of their parents.

Some of your parents will be saying,

well, when does that end?

John, you know.

You're still having to guide your children, don't you?

Yeah.

You're nodding.

They're nodding, by the way.

Yeah.

Good stuff.

Yeah.

Children, obey your parents.

Obey.

And this word obey means to pay attention to

with the intent of following their instruction.

It means to so value what your parents say.

To so value it that you seek their opinion.

You even ask for it.

And that when you do, you treat it as vital information.

And even as he speaks about this obeying your parents,

Paul kind of explodes out into the concept of,

or into the command of honouring your parents.

You see, Paul sees this concept of obedience

as just one application of the larger concept

of honouring our parents.

Where honour means to respect,

to hold in high regard.

In the original Hebrew,

this word had the sense of weight,

heaviness.

No fat jokes about your parents, kids.

Right?

But it's weight in the sense of worth.

This command to obey our parents

is a command to our hearts

to see them as worthy of our honour.

Our parents are to be precious to us.

Their words are to carry weight in our youth,

but to listen to them.

In their old age,

where to care for them.

Maybe some of you are thinking,

do you, does he know

how much my parents lecture me already?

And he's telling me to ask them to do it?

Friends, I'm saying a lot more than that.

I'm saying, ask your parents.

I'm saying, listen to their every word.

And I'm saying, love it.

Treat it like it's the best thing you've heard all day.

As they begin to speak to you,

be thinking, you know,

I was going to play some Xbox,

but this is way better.

Or, oh, look, on your phone,

you get your phone,

oh, look, my best friend,

my BFF has just messaged me.

Well, they can wait,

because this is way too important.

This is what's going on here.

This is what Paul is trying to say

to the children of the church in Ephesus.

Now, honouring your parents,

which involves obeying them,

is an important command.

It's so important that Paul makes this,

lets us know how important it is in two ways.

First, he says it's an act of worship.

And then he points out

how central it is to God's design.

So firstly, in verse 1, Paul says this,

Obey your parents in the Lord.

In the Lord, for this is right.

In the Lord?

Well, the act of obeying your parents,

this tells us,

is primarily an act of obedience to God.

It's an act of righteousness.

It's primarily an act of worship.

It gives the glory to God.

Obeying parents is right,

not because of first century social norms

or the desires of your parents

sitting next to you,

but because of our relationship

to God through Christ.

This command is a theological issue.

Now, some of you will be thinking,

does this mean we have to do everything they say?

No.

But be careful here

that you're not just looking for an excuse to rebel.

Take what your parents say.

Weigh it up.

See the value in it.

Apply their wisdom to your life.

And as you get older,

you'll become more independent in this process.

You'll learn to take the wisdom of their advice

and use it or set it aside,

given the circumstances.

But even when you set it aside,

see that you do it in a way that honours them,

that lifts them up

and shows how much you value them.

Friends, hearts tuned to worshipping God

will seek to obey their parents.

So first, it's an act of worship.

The second, it's central to God's design.

As I've already said,

Paul ties his command to obey

to the Ten Commandments.

And he does that in verse 2.

And he says this,

honour your father and mother,

which is the first command with a promise,

so that it may go well with you

and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.

Now, the Ten Commandments were important

in Israel's history.

They represented the commands

that Israel was to live by

as they entered into the Promised Lands.

Commands that the rest of the world would see.

And as they saw them,

they would know that the God of this people

was a good God.

But it was more than that.

It was commands that taught God's people

what they had forgotten,

which was how to be truly human

as God had originally designed us to be.

So the fact that

if this is what the Ten Commandments do

and that this command is actually in the top ten,

that's a big deal.

And then within these Ten Commandments,

it's the first horizontal commandments.

The first four are vertical,

and you can look them up in Exodus 20.

The first four relate to how we relate to God.

And then this command to honour your parents.

The first command that guides us

to understanding what it means

to be truly human,

and it relates to children and parents.

Why is this important?

Well,

first because it restores the family unit

to what it was intended to be.

And then,

as it restores the family,

the family begins to show us something of God again.

To reveal God's relationship to his beloved children.

To reveal God's glory.

There's no stronger image than family in the Bible

in terms of relationship between God and his people.

And so as family is restored,

so is our understanding of who God is.

That's why this command has a promise attached to us.

Friends, our parents are to be precious to us.

They're words that carry weight.

In our youth, we are to listen to them.

And in their old age,

we're to care for them.

Friends, Paul doesn't finish there.

He goes on to address the way parents care for their children.

And if children are to obey their parents,

parents are to actually say something worth obeying.

They're to lead their children in the Lord.

In verse 4, Paul explains it.

He says this,

I've said it out on their PowerPoint, if you can see it.

It's a not-but argument.

Not provoking to anger on the one hand,

but training in the Lord on the other.

As we go into this verse,

and it begins with fathers,

and the word there is fathers in Greek,

but it's likely to mean parents.

In verses 1 to 3, we've already seen,

actually refer to parents.

The commands and the words are actually all related to parents.

The fifth commandment refers to parents.

And in Greek, fathers can actually be used as a collective for parents.

So it makes sense to take the word this way.

So parents, don't provoke to anger.

We're provoking to anger,

or some of your passages,

versions might have a different word.

Is there a different word in yours?

Anyone got the N-A-V?

Yep.

Exasperate.

There we go.

Thanks, Harry.

Exasperate.

Yeah.

Anger.

Enrage.

Is what it means.

Now, anger's not always bad,

but this idea of provoking someone to anger,

that is bad.

In chapter 4, verse 26,

Paul acknowledges anger,

but promotes control and the speedy resolution of it.

He says, don't let the sun go down on your anger.

And in chapter 4, verse 31,

Paul condemns unresolved anger.

He says,

get rid of all bitterness,

rage and anger,

brawling and slander,

along with every form of malice,

where bitterness is anger that's left to ferment.

Rage is anger out of control.

Brawling and slander are anger that seeks to harm.

And malice is a heart.

It's set on harming another.

Parents,

provoking your children to anger

is winding them up

and setting them in the direction of harming others.

This kind of anger breaks down relationships,

community.

So,

in this,

in those verses,

so in chapter 4, verse 31,

this kind of anger,

this kind of uncontrolled anger,

is placed in contrast,

on the other hand,

to grace

and kindness.

In our passage,

it's contrasted

with discipline

and instruction.

Now,

there's an important point

to be made here.

To borrow a phrase

that I learned from Andrew,

Andrew Wilco,

this week.

Parents,

you have your hand

on the thermostat.

You control the temperature.

Parents,

you have the authority,

but how are you using it?

You have the mature brain.

You have the maturity,

the stability,

the capacity

to control yourself.

You are there

to provide this stability

for your children

as they grow.

Children can be rebellious

beyond reason at times.

They're going through

a lot of changes

as they mature.

It's not easy

to exist in their bodies.

Their brains

don't reach maturity

until the age of 25.

Did you know that?

Their bodies

are coursing with hormones

that aren't familiar

to them.

Desires and impulses

that they haven't yet

learned to control.

I'm sure,

well,

I remember the experience.

I'm sure you do too.

And yet parents

so often say,

look,

we're doing the best

we can,

but it's my child

that's the problem.

He or she

is so immature.

Parents,

that's exactly

why we are there.

So,

given that truth,

what is your

disposition?

What is your attitude?

What is your action

when they lose control?

Do you seek

to guide them

through it?

That's our job.

Not engaging with them

in fights and battles,

guiding them

through it.

not provoking

to anger,

but promoting

the instruction

of the Lord.

Remember,

this is a not,

but argument.

Again,

I'll remind you,

he says it like this,

fathers do not

provoke your children

to anger,

but bring them up

in the discipline

of the Lord,

instruction of the Lord.

Not provoking

to anger,

but promoting

godliness.

Bring them up,

raised to maturity.

It includes

providing all

the nourishment

and care

a person needs

to grow.

It's a word

with a warm,

nurturing tone

to it.

But remember this,

it's in the discipline

and instruction

of the Lord.

Not into your hopes

and dreams

for your child,

but God's.

Do I need

to say this?

If it's not

in the Bible,

it's not

as important

as you think

it is.

You know,

we have a tendency

to impose

our values

and expectations

on our children.

We want them

to achieve

at school.

We'll introduce

them to our sports,

our hobbies,

our interests.

We want our kids

to be attractive,

successful,

admired.

We want our children

to bring us

a reputation.

But as much

as you value

these things

and as much

as you seek

to promote them,

if it's not

about godliness,

if it's not

about the discipline

and instruction

of the Lord,

then it doesn't

make God's list

of importance.

Frankly,

it just isn't

that important.

in raising

a child

to maturity.

What is important?

The discipline

and instruction

of the Lord.

Discipline,

to train

in the proper

rules of behaviour.

Instruction,

to impart

understanding,

wisdom,

knowledge.

In terms

of explaining

these,

think,

for example,

think boundaries.

You know

how your child

struggles to know

what is right.

So teach them.

Explain what's

appropriate,

what's inappropriate.

Help them

to understand.

Think boundaries.

Think self-discipline.

You know

your child,

well,

they struggle

with their emotions.

You've seen that.

You see what happens

when they fall over

and the wellspring

of emotions

that bursts out.

you probably

have already

noticed

that your reaction

to them

in that time

either feeds

that or

calms it down.

So teach

your children

to express

emotions appropriately.

Explain what

their emotions

are for.

Show them

how to express

emotion in a way

that reflects

God's character.

Model

how to control

impulses.

man,

how can we

do that

as parents

if we're

just so

ill-disciplined

ourselves

that we're

just responding

to every

impulse and

thought and

emotion that

comes into

our minds.

Think

self-discipline

and think

knowledge.

Parents,

your lives

are lived

with the benefit

of mature

brains.

So help

your children

where they

lack.

Share your

knowledge with

them.

Think

knowledge.

But above

all,

think gospel.

Above all

these things,

show them

the gospel.

Ground

them in

God's love

for them.

That love

far surpasses

your love

for your

children,

no matter

how much

you think

you love

your children.

So teach

them how

to apply

this gospel

to their

lives.

Loving,

forgiving,

seeking

forgiveness,

delighting

in their

Lord.

In all

of this,

parents,

it's a

time-consuming

and challenging

task.

Because we

actually need

to know

our children

so well

that we

know exactly

what to

speak into

their lives.

So well

that we

know when

a soft

word is

needed,

when a

boundary

needs to

be enforced.

when you

just need

to stop

and put

your arm

around them

and when

you need

to speak

words of

grace into

their lives,

always

modeled on

your heavenly

father's love

for you.

This kind

of relationship

with our

children takes

time to

develop.

But friends,

there's nothing

more important

that you

can be

doing with

your time.

You say

I'm time

poor,

work demands,

when I get

home I'm

tired.

Friends,

if that's a

problem,

parents,

fathers,

if that's a

problem,

change jobs.

Get a job

with less

time involvement.

Get a job

that leaves

you with

the reserves

that you

need to

bring your

A game

to your

family,

not what's

left at

the end

of each

day.

Parents,

raise your

children so

that when

you introduce

your children

to their

heavenly father

it's perceived

as a good

thing.

Not,

oh no,

another parent,

but wow,

God's my

father too?

And you

say,

no,

no child,

he's your

true father.

He's the

one I've

been representing

all along.

he's the

one I've

wanted to

introduce you

to all

your life.

Children,

obey your

parents.

Parents,

lead your

children in

the Lord.

Let me

pray.

Amen.

Father God,

even as I

say these

words,

I know

there are

so many

ways that

I fail

at this.

I'm a

poor

reflection of

your

character.

And I

think as

parents here,

we know the

truth of that

ourselves.

As children

here, we know

that our

parents too

have failed

us in so

many different

ways.

Some of us

here, our

parents have

failed us so

badly that we

just cringe

from the

thought and

the analogy

of you being

like our

Father, our

Heavenly

Father.

But Lord, I

pray that

we as a

group of

people who

have come

to know and

love you as

our Lord and

Saviour would

see the

goodness of

this command.

Primarily

because we

see the

overwhelming

goodness of

you.

and that

as parents

we'd be

inspired

afresh to

reflect your

goodness in

the lives of

our families.

And as

children, Lord,

we'd be

inspired to

entrust

ourselves to

your care as

we seek to

honour our

parents.

We pray

these things in

Jesus' name.

Amen.