Slow to anger

Proverbs 29, verse 22.

Proverbs 29:22

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Proverbs 19, verse 19.

Proverbs 19:19

A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.

Proverbs 20, verse 22.

Proverbs 20:22

Do not say, I will repay evil. Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.

Proverbs 29, verse 11.

Proverbs 29:11

A fool gives full bent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Proverbs 14, verse 29.

Proverbs 14:29

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, and he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Proverbs 12, verse 16.

Proverbs 12:16

The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

Proverbs 19, verse 11.

Proverbs 19:11

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 15, verse 1.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15, verse 18.

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

Proverbs 10, verse 12.

Proverbs 10:12

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 25, verses 21 to 22.

Proverbs 25:21–22

If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.

For you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.

James 1, verses 19 to 21.

James 1:19–21

Know this, my beloved brothers.

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,

or that anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness,

and receive with meekness the implanted word which is able to save souls.

Well, good morning, everyone.

Well, you might have noticed already that we're getting into Proverbs,

so we're getting back into our holiday series in wisdom literature,

and we're going to be wrapping up Proverbs.

I don't know if you ever can wrap up Proverbs.

There's so much in it, but we are.

So we've got three more weeks.

This one is on anger, as you can tell.

And next week will be on living wisely in a post-Christian world.

And then we're going to wrap up in Chapter 31,

that elusive woman, the woman of wisdom.

Then in Term 1, we're going to be getting into the Book of Romans

to get into that core foundational truth that we find in Romans,

just to get our orientation right as we head into the new year.

So I hope you're looking forward to that.

Will you pray with me as we get into God's word?

Let's pray together.

Yeah, Lord, if there's any emotion that has led to the destruction

of your image bearers themselves

and to the destruction of relationships

and wreaked havoc in your church

and between husbands and wives and parents and children and friendships,

Lord, anger must be up there, if not the top of the list.

Lord, I pray, I suppose what we just prayed in that song,

that you would give us an undivided heart,

that you would change us, sanctify us that little bit more today.

Lord, we need your word,

not only so that life will go well,

but so that we live in a way that pleases you

and represents you well.

Lord, it's just so lovely that you send the rain

and just refreshes the earth,

like you give us that picture in Isaiah.

I pray that your word would send it.

May it fall down and wash our hearts this morning,

that we might be slow to anger like you are.

In Jesus' name I pray.

Amen.

Well, to get into this,

I'm going to borrow a very ordinary situation story

from a book by Larry Crabb.

Now, the technology,

you understand once I say the story,

but the technology you might need to update a little bit,

but I think we can all still resonate with the situation

and I think we can apply it.

It's a husband and wife situation,

but we can apply it to any relationship, I think.

So, the wife retells what happened.

So, this is her words.

We each had really bad days

and all we wanted to do was relax in front of the TV.

As soon as we both were settled and comfortable,

the phone rang.

Neither of us moved.

After about three rings,

my husband said in the most tired voice,

Honey, could you get it?

Well, I immediately felt irritated.

I knew he was going to ask me to get up.

I was tired too,

and I felt like I'm always the one who waits on him.

So, I said,

I just got comfortable.

I wish you'd get it this time.

Well, you would have thought

I asked him to run to the store at midnight.

He stared at me for a second with utter disgust.

Then he got up.

By the time he got there,

the phone had stopped.

We barely said a word to each other

the rest of the evening.

That's the story.

Now, I've picked this story

to lead into this topic for a few reasons.

You might be on the receiving end

of some very destructive anger,

whether verbally or physically.

It could be criminal.

And that's not okay.

And there's people to help.

There's pastors, there's psychologists,

there's police.

My focus today, though,

is on anger at the level of that story.

The kind of everyday anger

that we all feel in every relationship,

nearly every day.

So, I just want that story to be a picture

of kind of the scope

of what we're trying to cover today.

Another reason for...

I like this story

is to hopefully hold up something of a mirror

in case you don't think you're an angry person.

It's such a small situation,

like a phone ringing.

You just want to both relax.

There's politeness in the words.

Honey, I'm comfortable.

Can't you do it this time?

Like, it's polite.

It's civil.

And yet you can feel the hurt.

You can feel the anger in the room.

It's the silence.

It's the stare of the eyes.

It's seething inside,

but not actually expressing what you're feeling.

And it destroyed the freedom of that relationship,

at least for the rest of the evening.

And if it was a pattern of relating,

who knows what else it would destroy.

It's such a simple thing,

and that's why I find it so powerful.

Anger is destructive,

and I think we're all angry people.

I'm still learning to express my anger in constructive ways.

Like, I used to...

Not that Emma would ever do anything to cause me to be upset,

but I used to...

I would be passive-aggressive towards her

and try the silent treatment

and being short in my replies and avoiding her.

And there was just one problem.

She had no idea that I was upset,

and it just didn't work.

If you're down the passive-aggressive end of the spectrum of anger like I am,

just stop for a second and think about what you're doing.

You hurt me,

so I will try and hurt you by withdrawing my love from you.

That's brutal.

It's destructive.

I'm probably saying that harsher

because I'm talking to myself there.

We all have a problem with anger.

And it seems to be a growing problem with this pandemic.

Bo Wong shared an article with me,

A Nation on Hold Wants to Speak to the Manager.

Many customer relation jobs are just...

They're fed up of the anger of customers recently,

especially on airlines and in supermarkets

and in restaurants and things.

People get angry over masks.

I think there's one employee sums it up,

saying,

Have you seen a man in his 60s have a temper tantrum

because we don't have the expensive imported cheese he wants?

A man in his 60s at Woolies

having a temper tantrum in the middle of the aisle.

You're looking at someone and thinking,

I don't think this is about the cheese.

That's the state of our society at the moment.

In our relationships, in our society,

there's an anger problem.

But then, is it a problem?

Have you found it's common to hear at the moment

that expressing anger is a good thing?

I'm being authentic.

I'm being real.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I'm being myself.

People need to accept me

and acknowledge my feelings,

acknowledge the hurt that's been done to me.

Being authentic and venting your anger

avoids bottling it up

so that it doesn't explode in more destructive ways.

People aren't in the dark about what you're thinking.

You've just laid it bare.

And shouldn't you stand up for yourself

and defend yourself?

Our world is kind of saying at the moment

that anger is good.

As we get into God's word,

we're going to see that God gives us a better way,

a better way to live.

That's what we always find in God's word.

He has a better way

than authentically venting your anger.

One of the main things he says again and again is,

I don't know if you picked it up

as it was being read out,

be slow to anger.

So Proverbs 19.11.

Good sense makes one slow to anger

and it is his glory to overlook an offence.

And again, Proverbs 29.11.

A fool gives full vent to his spirit,

but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Notice in these that the offence is felt,

the offence occurred.

You may well arrive at anger,

but be slow to it.

Good sense, God says,

isn't showcasing your anger right away,

but good sense, you'll be slow to anger.

And that got me thinking, like, why?

Why is that?

Because the times I've tried to be slow to anger,

like I've already said,

it often just comes out in more destructive ways later.

It's not like delaying it makes it go away.

Not all the time.

Maybe if it's a tiny thing, it does.

So why be slow to anger?

I think there's four reasons,

and I hope to step us through it.

There might be more reasons,

but let's go through these four.

I think the first reason we should be slow to anger

and not just authentically blowing our top off

whenever we're angry

is to prevent the relational carnage that anger causes.

So Proverbs 29, 22.

A man, a person of wrath,

stirs up strife,

and one given to anger causes much transgression.

So the feeling of anger isn't wrong,

but letting your anger take control of you

to then lead to wrong choices

that do damage to relationships,

that's the problem.

Someone described anger,

someone I read this week,

described anger as a gateway drug

to many other sins.

Just spend a moment and reflect

on words and actions that you regret.

What words do you regret recently?

Or maybe in the past, I don't know.

How many of those were prompted by your anger?

That harsh word,

the emotional payback,

making that person feel scared,

making that person feel small,

making them feel unwanted,

retaliating, hurt for hurt,

like a tennis match.

What's the cost?

It's not easy to take words back, is it?

Do you notice the trust that takes weeks

and months and years to build

is just torn down so quickly

with those harsh words?

The cost of cooperation,

the cost of,

like that story of the husband and wife,

of being relaxed in each other's presence,

the loss of intimacy.

There's a cost to the honour of God.

There's a big cost.

There's a relational cost.

And that's a pretty good reason

to just pause in our anger

before just letting fly.

And it's not just damaging to other people.

It's actually damaging to ourselves.

So Proverbs 19, 19,

a man of great wrath will pay the penalty.

For if you deliver him,

you will only have to do it again.

I think this is talking about

the natural consequences of my anger,

your anger.

If you're quick to lose your temper,

others will lower their trust in you.

They'll learn to manage you

rather than feel safe with you.

They'll learn to fear you

rather than trust you.

There's a cost to you.

There's consequences.

It may just be in certain situations.

It's like,

don't raise that topic with that person.

Like, you'll get an earful.

Or maybe it's just,

generally,

people will lose respect and trust,

cooperation with you.

So there's a cost.

Relationally,

there's a cost to you.

There's consequences.

So let's be slow to anger

for relationship's sake.

And as Christians,

we should be slow

for God's reputation's sake.

I think a second reason

to be slow to anger

is to work out

whether or not

I should be angry.

Should you be angry?

We think that it's the situation itself

that makes us angry,

but that's not good sense.

You need time to look inside yourself

to see,

why am I angry in this moment?

First, we need to understand

what anger is.

I've found two descriptions helpful.

One is,

anger is a blocked goal,

and I'll give a description of that

in a moment.

So you have a goal,

it's been blocked,

that produces anger.

A second,

which I heard in a talk years ago

and it stuck with me,

is that anger is personal hurt

wrapped in barbed wire.

I just thought it was a good image.

It's like,

you're hurt,

and so you intentionally

wrap that hurt in barbed wire

and kind of throw it back.

That image has stuck with me.

So going back to the blocked goal.

So in a TED Talk,

a psychologist describes anger.

If you're going to visually imagine

what's going on inside you,

it looks a lot like driving on the roads,

which is probably why there's

road rage all the time.

So just imagine,

each person is in their car

and we're driving on the same space,

interacting,

and when you're driving,

you have a goal.

You have a destination

you're trying to get to.

But imagine someone cuts into your lane,

slows down,

and then makes you

miss that green light

and you have to stop

and wait a couple minutes

for the light to go green again.

Your goal has been blocked.

Producing anger.

Well, not necessarily.

Imagine it's a Sunday afternoon.

Yes, you want to get home,

but you've got no deadline.

Would you be angry?

Maybe if you felt like your rights

have been impinged or something,

but if you didn't care about that,

you don't have to respond in anger.

What is more important

is what's going on inside your car,

if I can use that expression.

That will be the critical thing

of whether you get angry or not.

Imagine if that person cut in front of you

and you're on the way to a job interview

and you're already running late,

you're financially under pressure,

you need this job,

you need it to look after your family,

your reputation is going to be impacted

because you're going to be even later

to the job interview,

then that person cutting in,

oh, it is unforgivable.

It's punishable.

Do you see the difference?

It's the same external situation

and yet what's happening inside your car

makes all the difference

about whether you get angry or not.

Going back to that article Beau shared,

someone described the increasing anger in society.

I think they were on the money

when they said it like this.

That waiter at the restaurant,

that flight attendant,

they become a stand-in

for everything coming between

what we experience

and what we think we're entitled to.

They're blocking our goal

of what we're entitled to, in other words.

And so they just cop it.

If you just authentically fly off the handle,

you haven't taken the time

to work out what's causing your anger.

More often than not,

I find it's what's inside my car,

inside my heart,

my thinking,

that's causing the anger,

not the external circumstances.

So we need to be slow to anger

to work out what goal is being blocked.

Is it my goal

or is it the Lord's goal?

So,

is it my reputation

and expectations,

entitlements,

that's being blocked?

Let me give a personal example for this one.

There's always a danger in personal examples.

I don't want to make it about myself,

but I think it will illustrate it.

And hopefully you can think about

what you're feeling at the moment.

I've used this illustration

way too much recently,

but I'll use it again.

Samuel's sleep.

I've been quick to anger recently.

I told Emma what the topic was this week

and she laughed,

just knowing the irony of it

and God's grace in it as well.

I've been quick to anger.

Sam is still not sleeping well.

We've tried a whole bunch of things.

But,

now you think,

the goal is clear,

I want a good night's rest.

It's happening to me.

I'm not the cause of it.

It's happening to me.

But does that mean I have to get angry?

Do I have a choice?

Looking inside the car,

I need to understand

my deeper goal.

Why do I think

I'm entitled

to a good night's sleep?

I've been reflecting on it

and let me just

share what I think my goal is

at the moment.

I think it's something like this.

I want to be competent

in my responsibilities as a man

and I want to be seen

to be competent

and I need sleep to do that.

I think it's something like that

going on for me at the moment.

And Sam is blocking that goal.

But it's not him causing the anger.

It's that goal which is wrong

that's causing the anger.

Or that thinking I'm entitled to sleep

or that God demands

that I need sleep to achieve that.

So I think James 4.

I don't think I'm making this up.

I think it's in James 4, 1-4.

What causes quarrels

and what causes fights among you?

Is it not this?

That your passions are at war within you.

You desire and do not have

so you murder.

You covet and cannot obtain

so you fight and quarrel.

You do not have

because you do not ask.

You do not receive

because you ask wrongly

to spend it on your own passions.

So when we feel anger

we want to rush in

and presume the offender is guilty

and deserves punishment.

But wisdom tells us to pause

and check your own heart.

Check what's in the car.

What's under the hood.

Check for the idols in our heart.

The good things you believe

you are entitled to

and must have.

So what have you been angry about lately?

You might want to write it down

if you're taking notes.

What have you been angry about lately?

Check what's under the hood.

What goal is there?

The deeper goal.

What goal is there?

What is it about your sense of person,

your reputation

that you feel is being threatened?

What do you think you're entitled to?

Let's be slow to anger

and examine ourselves.

And if you find like me

that more often than not

there's some idol lurking there,

confess it to God.

Confess it to the person

you've been angry to

and tweak your goal.

Maybe the goal is okay

but it's just out of order.

It's not in its proper order.

So what if you find,

after examining,

what if you find that your goal

isn't your own making?

What if it is primarily

the Lord's reputation

that has been damaged

and you're angry about that?

What if it's his expectations,

what he is entitled to

that has been crossed?

Well, I think talking like this

helps us affirm

that there is good things

to be angry about.

But let's hear Proverbs 20, 22

for advice from the Lord

of what to do in that situation.

Do not say,

I will repay evil.

Wait for the Lord

and he will deliver you.

So there is such a thing as evil.

I think we call it

in Christian circles

righteous anger.

Now I want to pause at that point

and go,

if by righteous anger

you mean that you believe

something is wrong

in its own right

and therefore you are entitled

to be angry,

I can't see anything Christian

about that definition

of righteous anger.

Everyone thinks that way.

If you think it's wrong

and therefore you're entitled

to be angry.

I don't think that's a good

enough definition.

If you mean by righteous anger

that what is being done

is against God's will

and his name

and reputation

is being injured,

his purposes

are being blocked,

of course the Lord

is sovereign over those

but if that's what you mean

then okay,

there is such a thing

as righteous anger.

Jesus was angry.

You read the Gospels

and there was times

where he was angry

but he was angry

because

the glory

belonging to God

was not being given

to God.

I suspect

we don't feel

this kind of anger

nearly enough.

I could be wrong

about that

but I suspect

that's our problem.

Maybe we should be

more angry.

I think

for righteous anger

we're on safer grounds

when we're feeling it

on behalf of others

and especially those

who are vulnerable.

people.

The other thing

this proverb

teaches us

is that he promises

to deliver us

in the end.

To take the matter

into our own hands

to get justice

right now

is to take

the moral high ground

that only the Lord

is entitled to.

So have you ever said

or thought

about a person

I would never do

what they did?

That's taking

the moral high ground.

Only the Lord

knows precisely

what someone deserves.

Only he can see

people's heart

perfectly.

And only the Lord

is completely holy

and can say

I would never do

what they did.

I think we should

care deeply

about evil.

Don't get me wrong.

We should care

deeply about evil

when God's reputation

is at stake.

But vengeance

isn't ours.

It belongs to him.

He's the judge

and he calls us

to love our enemies

and wait

for his deliverance.

So either way

when we look

in our own car

under our own hood

and see what goal

is being blocked

either way

if it's the idols

of our heart

or if it's

the Lord's name

and his expectations

being blocked

either way

the remedy

I think is the same

and that's what we find

in James chapter 1.

James 1 · chapter mention

I don't think

the remedy

is Buddhist

meditation

trying to remove

all desire

nor is it

taking God's place

as judge

of right and wrong

and quickly showing

how authentically

foolish you are.

We find the solution

in James chapter 1

James 1 · chapter mention

that we are given

the resources

if we belong

to the Lord Jesus Christ.

The resources

to deal with our anger

isn't out there.

We don't have to say

it's implanted

in us

that we're going

to find.

So James chapter 1

James 1 · chapter mention

Know this

my beloved

brothers

and sisters.

I just want

to pause there

because

at first reading

of this

I skipped over it

but there's a very

important word there

beloved.

We are beloved

by the Lord

if you are in

the Lord Jesus Christ.

Put that alongside

what God is about

to say.

Let every person

be quick to hear

slow to speak

slow to anger

for the anger

of man does not

produce the

righteousness of God

therefore put away

all filthiness

and rampant

out of control

wickedness

the Lord

knows the

unlovely things

in our heart

and he knows

the unlovely things

we do because

of our anger

and yet

he calls us

beloved.

How is that

possible?

We're to put

those ugly things

away and receive

with meekness

with gentleness

humility

the implanted

word which is

able to save

your souls.

I think this is

the word of the

gospel of the

Lord Jesus

the one who

had every right

to be angry

wrathful

at my

self-defending

idolatrous

anger

he chose

to make me

his beloved

and he did it

through costly

love

rather than

punishing

or threatening.

so whether I

find inside

goals of my

own making

idols that

are creating

this anger

it's this

implanted word

that I need

I need the

word of the

gospel

but what

reputation

is greater

than I am

beloved

by the Lord

you will not

find a better

reputation

a better name

for yourself

whether people

acknowledge or not

it doesn't

matter

and what can I

be entitled

to if he is

Lord

I'm not

what can I

be entitled

to if

everything I

have is by

his grace

so if it's

the idols

of your heart

producing the

anger

it's this

implanted word

we need

and if it is

righteous goals

that you're angry

about

he gives us

the example

to follow

he chose

not to attack

the person

but to

attack the

person's sin

through costly

love

so either way

it's the word

of the gospel

that puts our

goals in

order

we don't

have to

defend

ourselves

but we

can choose

to respond

with love

this is at

the very

heart of

the God

we worship

Moses saw

this on

the mountain

when God

passed in

front of him

declaring his

glory

so do you

remember

Exodus 34

the Lord

the Lord

a God

merciful and

gracious

slow

to anger

this is at

the heart

of the

God

we worship

slow to

anger

and abounding

in steadfast

love and

faithfulness

what Moses

saw being

declared

was embodied

perfectly

by the Lord

Jesus

his son

so 1 Peter 2

is a

lovely

description

of it

when Jesus

when he was

reviled

he did not

revile in

return

when he

suffered

he did

not

threaten

but

continued

entrusting

himself

to him

who judges

justly

he himself

bore our

sins in

his body

on the tree

that we

might die

to sin

and live

for righteousness

by his

wounds

you have

been healed

for you

were straying

like sheep

but have

now returned

the shepherd

and overseer

of your

souls

aren't you

so glad

if you

just

like

all my

sin

I probably

know

like

just the

tip

of the

iceberg

aren't you

so glad

that God

is a God

who is

slow

to anger

so slow

he even

took

my sin

upon himself

to deal

with

the gap

between

our relationship

I'll never

taste a drop

of his

eternal

anger

discipline

yes

but he only

disciplines

those he

loves

we will

never

taste a drop

of his

anger

he is

slow

to anger

if we

don't

worship

this

in our

God

then

you

can't

produce

it

any

other

way

I

don't

think

this

slow

to anger

God

calls us

to bring

glory

to his

reputation

by being

like him

and we

can only

do that

by accepting

that implanted

word of the

gospel

that he

conquered

our sinful

anger

through

his costly

love

so I just

want to finish

with some

proverbs

that give us

some concrete

examples of

how we can

honour the

Lord in

responding

with love

rather than

out of control

anger

firstly we can

love those who

are angry at

us

by not

retaliating

but

responding

with calm

and gentle

words

so Don

helped us

and the

children

understand

this one

15

one

a soft

answer

turns away

wrath

but a

harsh word

stirs up

anger

just because

someone is

engaging

with hostility

even if it's

passive aggressive

hostility

we don't have

to respond

in kind

if we are

trusting that

we are safe

in Christ

we don't have

to respond

like that

I think the

second advice

that proverbs

gives us

guidance

is that

we are called

not just to

control our

anger

or to express

our anger

in constructive

ways but to

positively love

the person

in return

so

proverbs

10

12

hatred

stirs up

strife

but love

covers all

offences

now that

word covers

it's not

saying covers

up

it's not

just cover

up anything

anyone's done

wrong

I think it's

the opposite

of stripping

them

isn't that

what anger

tries to do

anger

wrapped in

barbed wire

you're trying

to strip

that person

of

I don't

know

of their

reputation

of

what they

want

but love

covers up

it serves

it sees

them in the

best possible

light

it serves

their interests

their real

interests

not necessarily

their immediate

interests

it seeks

their good

love covers

up offences

and it

doesn't take

much for

one soft

word

one act

of love

to just

turn

a relationship

have you

found that

you're in

an argument

and it

doesn't

take much

the Lord

calls us

to be

the one

to initiate

that

and then

Proverbs

25

21 to

22

if your

enemy

is hungry

give him

bread

to eat

if he's

thirsty

give him

water

to drink

for you

will heap

burning

coals

on his

head

and the

Lord

will reward

you

sounds like

the goal

is to

inflict

pain

but

I don't

think so

it's not

going

I'm better

than you

by serving

you

it's going

I'm not

going to

engage

the way

you are

in this

hostility

I'm going

to serve

you

and do

you know

what that

does to

the person

it doesn't

annoy you

when you

just want

to be mean

to someone

but they

keep being

nice to

you

it convicts

you

doesn't

it

I think

that's

what it's

talking about

the answer

to the

destructiveness

of anger

is to

serve

and that

actually

will help

that person

be convicted

before the

Lord

so

I just

want to

finish up

by saying

do you

know

what I

think

is way

better

than

authentically

just

blowing

your top

off

anger

like

that's

what our

world

says

to do

with

anger

do you

know

what's

better

than

that

I

think

what's

better

is

that

we

can

authentically

display

the

character

of

our

slow

to

anger

God

by

trusting

Jesus

costly

love

for

us

you

can

just

authentically

blow

your top

off

or you

can

authentically

display

the

God

who

is

slow

to

anger

and

and

and that

will

please

him

that

will

help

the

people

you're

engaging

with

may

God

help

us

with

that

let me

pray

and ask

for that

help

let's pray

Lord

cause

us

to

worship

you

because

you

are

slow

to

anger

your

patience

I

think

it's

underrated

your

patience

with us

is

incredible

that you

convict us

of our

sin

that you

don't

wipe us

out

immediately

even though

you alone

are entitled

to

that you

even

took

the thing

that offended

you

you wore

it yourself

you took

it yourself

so that

we could

know that

we are

beloved by

you

it is

incredible

slowness

to anger

forgive us

for when we

think that

you fly

off the

handle

you were

not like

that

please

change

our

image

of you

if we're

thinking

that

and Lord

help us

to relate

in the

church

in our

families

at work

places

friendships

Lord

please help

us to

honour you

by being

slow

to anger

help us

to see

the idols

of our

heart

and confess

it

and help

us to

worship you

in Jesus

name I

pray

Amen