One Body

I'm reading from two passages today.

One is Ephesians chapter 5, chapter 5, sorry, verse 21 to 33.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

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Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.

His body and is himself its saviour.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,

without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish,

in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it,

just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,

and the two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

However, let each of you love his wife as himself,

and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I'm also reading from 1 Peter 3 verses 1 to 7.

1 Peter 3:1–7

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands,

so that even if some do not obey the word,

they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Do not let your adorning be external,

the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewellery,

or the clothing you wear.

But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart

with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which in God's sight is very precious.

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God

used to adorn themselves,

by submitting to their own husbands,

as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord.

And you are her children if you do good,

and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,

showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel,

since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,

so that your prayers may not be hindered.

This is the word of the Lord.

Well, good morning, everyone.

Will you join?

No one wants to be close to me today.

Will you join with me in prayer?

Let's pray.

Lord, with our hearts full,

singing that song,

Jesus and all in him is mine, is ours.

It's incredible what you've lavished on us.

With our hearts full,

help us come to your word,

expecting your word to fill us again.

Give us trusting and understanding minds and hearts.

And I pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Well,

would you agree with me?

In all our relationships,

whether they be friendships,

parent-children, marriage,

we were created for,

our hearts therefore long for,

unconditional love.

That unwavering,

all-forgiving,

never-ending,

affectionate

love,

not based on your performance.

We crave unconditional love,

but

don't we also fear losing control?

We often settle for this transactional attitude.

I will only do for you

when I am sure you will do this for me.

It's not unconditional.

I'll only do this if you do that.

I think we often settle for keeping score.

We do this bookkeeping.

I don't know,

maybe I'm alone in this.

I'm going to read the body language in the room.

We do this bookkeeping in our minds.

We've got these two columns.

My rights,

I deserve this.

Here's your rights over here,

I suppose.

And we keep this ledger.

And in marriage,

some people try and just keep it fair.

They think that's going to build intimacy and trust.

It doesn't.

Point scoring doesn't work.

Equal nappy changes,

equal spending money,

equal chores.

If you are anything like me,

you're going to overemphasize your column,

my rights.

You're going to quickly excuse yourself

if you don't fulfill what your spouse needs.

And you want a pound of flesh

if they don't give you what you think you deserve.

Bookkeeping,

it creates a power struggle.

It doesn't create intimacy.

It creates a power struggle.

Who's got the most leverage?

Who's ahead in the point scoring game?

The problem is,

you're working off two totally different lists.

Each of you often think you're ahead.

It's all about leverage.

It's not about trust.

It's not unconditional.

And resentment,

feeling things aren't fair,

can really quickly come in,

like within hours.

It comes so quickly to us.

Transactional relating,

I think,

is an attempt to try and stay in control.

We want unconditional love,

but we're not,

we don't want to let go of control.

We know it comes at the cost

of letting go of control.

And...

It leaves us empty

and self-pitying

and angry

and a power struggle,

this bookkeeping.

When you attend wedding ceremonies,

why do we all find the vows such...

As long as it's not,

they made their own vows,

like,

you're amazing,

I'm going to do all the dishes

or something weird.

As long as it's more

those traditional vows,

it's a moving moment,

isn't it?

Like,

we all love it.

Why?

Because it's an expression

of unconditional love.

It's,

I'm going to love you

when you're a jerk.

When you're sick

and the care has to go one way.

When I don't feel like it.

Full stop.

There's no other side of the ledger.

And we're like,

yes.

That's...

We all crave it.

We're made for it.

How do we get it?

Well,

in Ephesians 5,

as we come to how men

and women are called

to relate to one another

in marriage,

in every sentence here,

Paul wants our thoughts

filled with Christ.

In the section on husbands,

most of it

isn't about husbands.

It's just jam-packed

with talking about Christ.

Paul is just bursting,

he's gushing

to talk about

Christ's unconditional love.

And here's the primary reason

why this passage

is extremely relevant

for all of us in this room,

whether you're married or single.

It's extremely relevant

because

this passage is mainly

about Christ and the church.

It's speaking to husbands

and wives.

But Paul can't help himself.

It's just about

Christ and the church.

There's a metaphor

that runs throughout

this passage.

It's the picture

of one body,

one flesh,

as we saw

at the beginning

of creation,

one body.

Now,

we think of husbands

and wives,

and yes,

that's the conclusion,

but actually,

Paul wants us

to focus on

this is how Christ

thinks of us.

Let this sink in.

Christ doesn't think

of his people

as servants,

merely servants

and soldiers.

Go here.

Go do this.

He thinks of us

as his own body.

That's incredible.

His own flesh.

He alone

truly died

for his bride.

He alone

by his word

washes us.

He alone

is making us

not into this

beautiful statue,

but to present

us to himself.

It's a relational

picture.

It's an intimate

picture.

Christ nourishes

his body.

He cherishes

us.

We are members

of his body.

The key

to finding

that unconditional

love is not

to focus on

your spouse.

It's actually

to focus on

Christ,

his unconditional

love.

The one flesh

union we saw

in the beginning

in Genesis,

Paul is saying

when a man

leaves his

father and

mother and

is united

to his wife,

I'm saying

that mystery

was really

getting us

ready to

understand the

real thing.

Christ and

his people.

That's how

he thinks

of us.

He doesn't

love us

based on our

performance.

It's unconditional

love.

When we

rejected him,

he died for

us.

When we

resist his

care for us

still,

we struggle

to trust

him.

We want

to go our

own way.

We want

to be in

control.

He remains

committed to

washing us,

making us

spotless,

so that we're

united and

enjoy him

forever.

And so here

we see that

overlap of the

ages again.

We need to

understand we're

in the overlap

of the ages.

Marriage is

God's good

idea from the

beginning of

creation in

paradise, but

it's just a

metaphor in the

end of the

day.

It's an

analogy so

that we would

understand the

thing it's

pointing to,

the thing that

actually lasts,

the thing that

actually satisfies

our one flesh

union with

Jesus.

Jesus.

Only Jesus

can redeem

human marriage

to be based

on unconditional

love.

He's the only

one.

And our

goal for

husbands and

wives is to

bring glory to

Jesus.

For people to

see just this

albeit imperfect

picture of the

sacrificial love

of Jesus for

his people and

the willingness

to trust

Jesus.

I can trust

him and

follow him.

So this

passage is

mainly about

Christ and

the church.

And for

singles, I

like what

Sam

Albury

says.

If marriage

shows us the

shape of the

gospel,

singleness

shows us

its

sufficiency.

We're all

marriage is,

human marriage

is a temporary

thing.

Getting us

ready for

that eternal,

deeply satisfying

thing.

Us united to

Jesus, one

body.

So, how

does he

redeem human

marriage?

We're going

to look at

husbands and

then wives.

So let's

start with the

husbands.

One night,

Emma was

lying on the

living room

floor.

And I was

on the

lounge and I

had my feet

on her

back.

does the

idea of

headship and

submission,

does that

conjure up

that sort of

emotional image?

Now, here's

what was

actually

happening.

I just

wanted to

relax.

But she

was like,

can you

massage my

back with

your feet?

I was like,

not really.

I didn't

want to.

That was

what was

really going

on.

She was

reading a

book and

I was

massaging

with my

feet, as

much as

you can

with your

feet.

The picture

of headship

and submission,

I've been

searching for

a picture for

us to

understand it.

The best I've

ever come up

with is, I

think it's

ballroom dancing.

Now, that's

not going to

be everyone's

cup of tea,

I understand.

But,

I really,

if you've

ever watched

really good

ballroom dancing,

the man is

meant to

lead.

But,

when you

watch it,

you're not

going, wow,

that man is

in control.

It's this

partner, it's

just a

stunning,

unified,

harmonious

dance.

I think

that's the

kind of image

we should

have, not

me with my

feet on a

woman's back.

picture a

ballroom dance,

a stunning

dance.

God has

created a

difference between

men and

women, but

it's a

difference to

be enjoyed.

And the

husband's

dance steps,

step one,

die.

I never

said it was

an easy

dance.

Husbands,

love your

wives just

as Christ

loved the

church and

gave himself

up for

her.

The

metaphor

and the

sense of

head does

carry

authority.

There is

meant to be

leadership.

But as we

saw in the

first sermon,

the cross

redefines

authority.

The greatest

is a

slave.

Husbands

were called

to reflect

Christ's

headship

in being

a slave.

for your

wife,

her best

interests.

So we're

called to

die

constantly.

The second

dance step

is we're

meant to be

thinking one

body.

Verse 28,

husbands ought

to love their

wives as

their own

bodies.

He who

loves his

wife loves

himself.

We should

be thinking

one flesh,

not this

power struggle,

but I

think Paul

is using

head.

Yes,

there's

authority in

it,

but I

think he's

using it

for this

metaphor of

one body.

The whole

paragraph is

about being

one flesh.

Now,

we can't

impose our

own ideas

of what

headship

and love

mean.

Christ

is the

model.

It's his

attitudes and

love for his

people that

defines

headships.

If we

think about

how he

loves his

church,

it's so

much more

than him

wearing the

pants.

He took

the

responsibility

for his

bride,

even for

the mess

our sin

caused.

He took

the

responsibility.

He took

the hits.

The song

we sang,

I can't

remember the

exact lyrics,

but he

took the

wrath of

God.

He took

the

responsibility.

He

nourishes.

He

cherishes.

He uses

all his

power to

serve at

cost to

himself.

So,

husbands are

to reflect

this.

Think one

body,

anything you

do for

your wife,

in a sense

we're called

to sacrifice,

in another

sense we're

one body,

so anything

you do

for her,

you're

doing for

yourself,

because you're

so united.

So,

what does

it mean

to love?

I think

looking at

Christ,

we can

try and

map out

a few

more details.

I think

it does

involve

provision.

He

nourishes

his body.

It

satisfies

a man

to provide

for his

wife and

family.

It's

good and

honourable

to put

food on

the table,

money in

the account

for bills,

but headship

is also

spiritually

minded.

You know

your family's

wellbeing does

not live off

bread alone.

It lives off

every word

that proceeds

from the

mouth of

God.

Paul points

us to

Christ's

word that

is going

to feed

and nourish

the

family.

So there

is a

spiritual

provision

here,

making

sure

that the

word of

God is

filling the

family

richly.

I think

it involves

protection.

Adam

failed to

protect Eve

in the

temptation,

but Jesus

took the

hits.

I don't

think this

protection is

about

competence.

I like an

illustration I

heard.

If the

wife has a

black belt

in karate

and you

hear a

noise at

night in

the house

thinking there

might be an

intruder,

the husband

doesn't go,

well, you

got the

black belt,

you go down

and see what

that is.

He doesn't

look at her

and go,

we're a

50-50

marriage,

your turn.

there's

something that

men are

made for to

go down

first.

It's

protecting her

physically

and it's

protecting her

spiritually from

false ideas

and false

paths to

take.

So I

think it's

provision,

especially the

word of

God.

I think

there's

protection

physically,

spiritually.

But it

also involves

feeling

primarily

responsible

for

decision

making.

Adam in

the garden

was held

primarily

responsible

for the

fall.

Now,

I think

this principle

can be

played out

very

differently

depending on

personality

and

culture.

So I

don't want

to be too

narrow in

the application

but I

want us to

understand the

principle at

least.

Let's say

I'm going to

risk an

illustration so

that we can

try and grasp

the principle.

Let's say

husband and

wife,

you're agreed,

let's buy a

big house.

house.

There's no

competition.

You're

agreed on

this.

Headship,

bearing that

primary

responsibility,

ought to be

making sure

that you've

checked your

motives.

Why are you

buying that

house?

What are your

goals in it?

It could be

very

un-Christlike.

It could be

let's have

comfort,

let's have

a better

reputation in

the neighbourhood

or among

others,

let's have

our friends

over for

pool parties

or it

could be

for Christ's

sake.

Let's fit a

Bible study in

our lounge room,

let's have our

ageing parents

be able to

live with us,

let's be

able to have

guests come

and stay or

people who

are really

desperate

for a

common

I think

bearing

responsibility

is just

making sure

is everything

we do

living for

Christ?

Now again,

I don't

think this is

because men

are more

competent at

making decisions.

In our

household,

something we

have to decide

is medical

decisions.

Now,

Emma's a

GP,

she tells

me this

Latin name

when the

kids need

this cream.

Can you

put this

cream on

there?

I'm like,

is that the

blue tube

or the

white tube?

There is a

huge difference

in our

competence

in this

area.

But I've

been convicted

that without

being,

you can

judge me

later if you

want,

don't think

I'm being

coercive and

micromanaging,

but I've

been convicted

that I

can't just

leave that

entirely to

her,

otherwise she

carries the

consequences of

all those

decisions.

You can tell

me if you

disagree with

me later.

I think

bearing

primary

responsibility

responsibility

is you

feel like

the buck

stops with

you.

And if

the goal

is to

care for

your family,

you shouldn't

be,

husbands,

don't be

threatened when

your wife is

more competent

in an area.

If they can

fulfil that

care better

than you

can,

that's

great,

we should

welcome

it.

Because

we're

sinful

husbands,

unlike

Christ,

I think

we can

also take

the lead

when arguments

break out.

We can

take the

lead in

laying any

leverage

down.

It

takes

courage

to apologise

first.

Because

it feels

like

you're

laying

your

control

out of

completely

down.

Who knows

what they're

going to

do with

that if

you apologise

first.

And that's

exactly what's

happening.

You are

laying the

control

down.

So I'm

trying to put

flesh and

what it

means in

following

Christ,

in dying

and thinking

one flesh.

The goal

for the

husband

is that

she shines.

Christ's

goal

is to

make us

beautiful,

spotless.

The

without

spot or

wrinkle,

I think

obviously

that's a

metaphor

for our

character.

The

husband's

goal in

exercising his

authority has

to be aligned

with Christ's

goal.

not happy

wife,

happy life.

We've all

heard that

one,

haven't we?

Not happy

wife,

happy life.

Holy

wife,

unbelievably

joyous,

forever,

into eternity

wife.

Now I know

it doesn't

have the same

ring to it,

okay?

But there

is no

conflict between

holiness and

happiness.

happiness.

If you

pursue her

holiness,

you are

pursuing her

happiness.

Husbands

don't actually,

we don't get

the right to

choose where

we're taking

the marriage.

Christ

has already

told us.

You're not

leading your

wife where you

want to go,

you're leading

where Jesus

wants you

both to go.

So die

daily,

bear the

primary

responsibility.

It's not

thinking I'm

the boss,

it's thinking

we're one

body here.

And the

goal is

Jesus'

goal,

so that

she shines

in his

word.

So that's

the call on

husbands,

that's what

unconditional

love

reflecting

Christ

looks like.

So

transitioning

to God's

call on

wives.

This is

partly why I

like the

ballroom

dancing

picture,

because when

the husband

leads well,

the evidence

of that

is the

wife,

or the

woman,

in ballroom

dancing

shines.

She's the

one doing

the twirls

and the

I don't

know,

I don't

know,

ballroom

dancing

enough.

When he

takes the

primary

responsibility,

she has

the resources

to shine.

That's why

I've taken

the phrase

out of

1 Peter 3.

I think

the focus

here is

wives,

let your

beauty

be the

hidden

person

of the

heart.

The

core for

wives is

to

unconditional

respect,

rather than

clinging to

control.

A part

of you

may want

that strong

involvement

and care

of your

husband,

stepping up

to

responsibility.

You may

say you

want your

husband to

step up

spiritually,

discipling

kids,

reading the

Bible,

initiating and

leading in

prayer,

commitment to

church.

Here's the

question,

how much

is it on

your own

terms?

How much

do you

criticise his

attempts because

it's not how

you would do

it?

Even when

his dance

steps are

pretty ordinary,

if they're

headed in

the right

direction,

how much

do you

resist?

Because it's

not the way

you want

it.

It's still

about laying

down control.

It's the

same thing.

Men, we've

got to lay

down our

control and

be a slave

in service.

But women,

you're called

to the same

thing.

Lay down

your control.

Unconditional

love.

Verse 22,

wives.

Let's

pause there.

The Lord is

speaking directly

to you.

He's not

talking to you

via your

husband.

And husbands,

we should in a

sense have one

ear closed at

this point.

We're never

told, make

sure your wife

submits.

No.

The Lord is

talking to you

directly.

You have full

agency to

voluntarily

choose this

because he

is trustworthy.

You want

to please

him.

It's

submitting to

your husbands

as to the

Lord.

Your eyes

are on

him, the

Lord.

It's

verse 21,

submitting out

reverence for

Christ.

You see

Jesus going

to the

cross,

submitting

himself to

the cross.

It is at the

heart of the

gospel.

It is

praiseworthy.

You trust

him for

that.

You respect

him.

You revere

him.

You trust

him to take

care of

your body

and soul.

That's the

motivation

here.

Now the

authority

over you

is very

limited.

It is not

any man.

It's their

own husband.

But the

aspects of

marriage, the

law calls for

submission, is

very broad.

Verse 24,

in everything,

there's to

be no

power

struggle.

You're

meant to be

looking at

the church.

As the

church, we

aren't to

try and go

it on our

own and be

independent.

We welcome

Christ's

provision, or

meant to

anyway.

We're meant

to welcome

his provision

and his

care for

us in

every aspect

of our

life.

even when

it cuts

across our

will.

We're

meant to

invite and

rely on

Christ.

The church

is to think

of itself as

one body

with Christ.

We're not

just servants,

we're in this

profound

partnership.

Our goals

are aligned

with his

goals in

his mission.

So that's

the model

for wives

to follow.

So

Godly

leadership

carrying the

burden of

primary

responsibility,

there's a

freedom to

be enjoyed

within that.

There's an

enabling,

bring all

your gifts

to help the

marriage

flourish.

So trusting

Christ for

his sake,

submission in

a sense,

I think is

about getting

out of the

way.

It's letting

your husband

care for you,

not needing

to be in

control,

not squashing

his attempts.

this is

about attitude.

It's about

the posture

of the

heart.

It's not

necessarily,

I think we

imagine that

husband and

wife talking

and immediately

the wife just

has to be

silent in

everything.

I don't

know why

we, I

don't know

if your

mind goes

there, I

don't know

why we

imagine

that.

It's about

the attitude

of the

heart.

It's not

about saying

you're playing

a less

important role.

Remember

Genesis 2,

helper is

about supplying

the power

that is

lacking.

It's

bringing all

your strengths

to the

partnership.

So

inviting your

husband's

care,

godly

leadership,

as imperfect

as it is,

when it's

done right,

people don't

see a power

struggle,

they see a

united,

beautiful

dance.

They

encounter a

stable,

warm home.

They see a

friendship at

the heart of

the marriage.

You're enjoying

god together.

They witness

something that

benefits the

children in what

they see.

Such a

partnership

overflows beyond

the relationship

and blesses the

church and

blesses society

because you're

trying to serve

Christ together

in everything.

So invite your

husband's care and

bring all your

gifts to this

partnership.

Now I'm

guessing the

fear is,

what if the

husband misuses

his authority?

What if they

aren't just in

control but

they're

controlling or

putting pressure

on your

conscience?

Could be

financially,

could be

intimately,

could be

theologically.

What does

submission mean

then?

Well, you're

always doing it

for Christ's

sake.

Allegiance is

always to

him.

You are

never, ever

asked to

follow your

husband into

sin.

It is not

loving for

your husband

to not

call out

his sin.

Both

husbands and

wives will

at times have

to exercise

strong

confrontational

love.

But I think

we can say

more than

this, and

this is

where I

want to

flip over

to 1

Peter 3.

1 Peter 3

is a high

calling.

It's the

context of

the, if you

want to turn

to 1 Peter 3

with me, the

context of the

letter is all

about, the

Christian life is

one of hope.

You know

heaven is

coming, salvation

is yours, and

you have this

inexpressible joy

in your heart.

The Christian

life is one of

hope and joy,

but we are

exiles in this

life.

It is

sometimes in

very difficult

circumstances,

where the

goal is that

your conduct

brings glory

to God, and

that's true for

wives and

husbands.

Here in

chapter 3, it's

talking to

wives, especially

married to

unbelieving

husbands, a

really tricky

circumstance.

You can't

respect his

spiritual rebellion.

God's

love to

God's

love to

God's

love to

you.

He may be

harsh.

He doesn't

have the

cross as his

template for

how to relate

to you.

Let's

firstly say what

submission doesn't

mean from this

passage.

There's a few

things it can't

mean.

It can't mean

putting your

husband in the

place of Christ.

Your allegiance

has to be for

Christ.

That's the whole

context here.

reason.

It can't be

giving up

independent

thought.

Because you

believe in

Jesus, you're

not letting

go of that.

The most

important thought,

it's not based

on your husband,

you're not going

to let go of

that.

It's not giving

up your desire

to influence

him.

The very goal

of this passage

is that they

may be won

to Christ.

You're trying

to win him

to Christ.

It's not

giving in to

every demand

because you're

trying to win

him with your

pure conduct.

Jesus decides

what is pure

conduct.

And it's not

being a doormat

because in

verse 6,

do not fear

anything that is

frightening.

There is

something strong

about this.

You're not

afraid.

So how

do you win

an unbelieving

husband?

I think this

might apply to

a straying

husband.

A husband

who's just,

I don't

know, going

off the tracks

either in his

thoughts or in

his behaviour.

How do you

win him or

win him back

to Christ

when they see

your respectful

and pure

conduct?

There's an

emphasis here

on what's

on the

inside

rather than

what's on

the outside.

In verses

3 to 4,

let not

your adorning,

let not

your beauty

be external,

but let

your adorning,

your beauty,

be the hidden

person of the

heart.

That is

what has

the power

by God's

grace to win

him to

Christ.

Now, does

this mean,

ladies, you

have to wear

a potato

sack down

to your

ankles?

Does it

mean you

can't dress

nicely?

I don't

think that's

the point of

this passage

because you've

got to wear

clothes.

The point

is, what's

the motivation?

how are you

trying to

adorn

yourself?

Is there

an emptiness

in your

heart?

And perhaps

because your

husband is

as he is,

is there an

emptiness in

your heart

that you're

trying to

win

attention,

affection,

a sense of

worth by

external?

Or,

are you so

full on the

inside that

clothing you

like to

dress with

an outfit

that actually

matches?

That's okay,

it's a good

gift.

I don't

think it's

about wearing

a potato

sack.

It's about,

do you see

where your

true worth

is?

Do you

see where

your true

beauty is?

In God's

sight, a

gentle and

quiet spirit

is very

precious.

Think about

that wording.

God looks

at you and

he, if you

have this, and

to the degree

you have this,

that is very

precious to

me.

God thinks

that of you.

Now, what is a