1 Corinthians 7:1-9

Message this morning will warm you up, get you maybe riled up.

I don't know if you've looked ahead and read the passage, but it's Valentine's Day, right?

It's a land of chocolate and red roses and Hallmark schlock, and however you see that,

some of your romantics are cringing.

I love Valentine's Day and all of the romantic accoutrements that go with it,

but I also want to acknowledge that for many, and maybe many of you feel like this,

Valentine's Day is a day that no one can win.

Husbands, boyfriends struggle to feel like they can ever do enough to impress.

Wives and girlfriends struggle to dampen their rampant idealistic hopes of being swept off their feet

while hiberring the secret fears that they are not, in fact, deeply loved and desired.

And singles just wish it would go away.

All right?

So this is the problem with Valentine's Day, the way our culture construes it.

And often at the core of it, if you look deeply, part of what you see is that

the problem with Valentine's Day is that it makes everyone miserable

because it arouses desires that we aren't sure what to do with.

It makes us to focus more on selfish desires than anything else.

It drives us to think about things that we can't actually do,

and it makes us people who are discontent.

And in the sovereignty of God, as we are preaching sequentially through the book of 1 Corinthians,

Valentine's Day, we get this passage on sex and singleness,

two of the great taboo topics that the church doesn't like to talk about.

So I feel like we're already in the mood, but we're going to keep going with it

and see what's going on in this passage.

If you have your Bible, you can turn with me to 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

You know, as you turn there, I want to put a little bit of Valentine's Day in historical context.

What would it have looked like 2,000 plus years ago?

If you were in Greek culture, Valentine's Day might be celebrated through this lens,

the words of Apollodorus in his speech against Nera.

We have courtesans for pleasure, concubines for the daily tending of the body,

and wives in order to beget legitimate children

and have a trustworthy guardian of what is at home.

So this is the Greek culture a couple of centuries before Christ

and the way that they viewed relationships and sex.

Fast forward a couple of centuries to the first century when 1 Corinthians was written,

the Roman picture,

and though not quite so baldly crass as Apollodorus,

it was a similar perspective.

Wives were for children,

not for passion or pleasure.

Passion and pleasure would be found in other places,

as we saw last week at the temple prostitutes.

Or even within your own home,

the master of the house would have the right,

the social privilege,

of access to any woman in his household.

A slave, a servant,

someone under his care.

And what you see at the core of this

is that how deeply

ancient culture

was captured by a deeply

selfish perspective

on sex.

Sex was simply to

promulgate your line

or

for your own pleasure

as a man.

And women were not even really in the picture.

They were being used

for one or the other.

In our culture today,

we'd like to think

that we've been more liberated.

We'd like to think

that it's a different situation.

It's not always that way.

Might say it's often not that way.

But,

what I would say

is that the selfishness

has not changed.

We so

easily

approach our relationships

and when it gets down to it,

our sexual relationships

with the same selfish desire

of what can I get out of it?

How can I be pleased

through this?

We often

give to this relationship

and to this act

a sense of

ultimacy

that it was never meant to have

and so it gives us

meaning,

fulfillment,

affirmation.

And by giving it all of this,

for those of you who are single,

you may have felt this,

that somehow to be

not sexually active

is to be somehow

less than human.

Somehow

less than fully

who you were meant to be.

What does God say

about this?

Paul writes about it.

We're going to look at it.

But just to remember

what Pastor Nick

preached on last week,

if you weren't here,

you should go back

and listen to the sermon online.

Chapter 6,

verses 12 through 20,

talk about

Paul's

admonition.

Flee sexual immorality.

Why?

Because your body

was not created

for selfish things,

but for God.

God.

And as you live out

your sexual life,

you are meant to conduct

yourself in a way

that honors and glorifies God,

recognizing

that God has made

your body

the temple of the Holy Spirit

and that he has purchased

your life,

body,

soul,

and all

by the very blood

of his son

lovingly poured out

for you.

And so we are meant

to stop giving

sex

more or less

than it is due.

We are to glorify God

with our body.

And from this then,

Paul transitions

in chapter 7

into a long discussion,

a lot about marriage

and singleness,

and today particularly

about sex.

We're going to be here

for four weeks,

just so you know.

We're going to be

in chapter 7

for four weeks.

We're doing this

this week,

we're going to do

the next chunk,

Greg's going to preach

next week,

Nick's going to do it again,

and then just for those

of you who are single,

we're going to have

a whole sermon

in three weeks

on singleness

and thinking about it

biblically.

But we will address

it today as well.

So let's look

at this passage now.

1 Corinthians chapter 7

1 Corinthians 7:1–9

verses 1 through 9.

And the true sign

of middle age

is right here.

You ready?

There you go.

This is sexy, right?

Okay.

Now, concerning the matters

about which you wrote,

it is good for a man

not to have sexual relations

with a woman,

but because of the temptation

to sexual immorality,

each man should have

his own wife,

and each woman

her own husband.

The husband should give

to his wife

her conjugal rights,

and likewise

the wife to her husband.

For the wife does not

have authority

over her own body,

but the husband does.

Likewise,

the husband does not

have authority

over his own body,

but the wife does.

Do not deprive

one another,

except perhaps

by agreement

for a limited time

that you may devote

yourselves to prayer,

but then come together

again so that Satan

may not tempt you

because of your lack

of self-control.

Now, as a concession,

not a command,

I say this.

I wish that all

were as I myself am,

but each has his own gift

from God,

one of one kind

and one of another.

To the unmarried

and to the widows,

I say,

it is good for them

to remain single

as I am,

but if they cannot

exercise self-control,

they should marry,

for it is better

to marry

than to burn

with passion.

Let's pray.

Lord, help us

to understand this passage.

Lord, help us

to see

your design

for our lives.

Help us

to understand

what it is

that you have

given us

in marriage

and in singleness,

in sex

and in celibacy.

Lord, I pray

you would help me

this morning.

Lord, that my words

would teach clearly,

that you would use

my words, Lord,

to shape our hearts.

Lord, may we glorify you

in our bodies,

we pray.

In Jesus' name,

amen.

What I want you to see

this morning,

the big idea

of this passage

as we pull it all together,

is that we are called

to glorify God

by passionate living

in the gifts

that we have,

whether married

or single.

The hinge idea

as I see it

is actually

in verse 7,

if you see it

down there,

it says,

but each one

has its own gift.

The question this morning

is what is your gift?

How can you glorify God

with it?

Every gift

from God

is good.

Let's explore

how Paul instructs us

to live out

these callings together.

Firstly,

in verses 1 through 6,

we see Paul

talking about

the gift

of marital sex.

He continues

building on

what he said

at the end

of chapter 6

about what's

the nature

of sexual immorality.

And it seems

potentially

that he's replying

to something

that the Corinthians

have written to him

asking him,

hey,

you've told us

about avoiding

sexual immorality.

What does that

have to do

with marriage

and with sex

within marriage?

Now,

if you have

different Bible

translations,

you may have noticed

that there are

different ways

to translate it.

And the ESV

along with the NIV

and lots of

translations

have translated it

along the lines of,

it is good

for a man

not to have

sexual relations

with his wife.

If you have

a King James

or a New American Standard,

which tends

to be more literal,

you will see that

all these other

translations

have taken an idiom

and they've tried

to give you meaning,

which is normal

and that's what

translators do.

But the idiom

itself is,

it is good

for a man

not to touch

a woman.

Historically,

this has often

been presented

as the Corinthians

saying,

hey,

there's this

argument out there

that we should

actually be celibate

in marriage,

which is really odd.

But it's,

but you understand it

as you read this,

you think,

okay,

that kind of

makes sense.

But I will have

to say that

I have been

convinced

by

one modern

scholar

who looked

at this phrase,

to touch

a woman,

in different

contexts,

the way it was

used throughout

ancient literature.

He summarizes

his finding

this way.

To touch

a woman

means acting

on sexual

passions

for the sake

of pleasure

or sexual

release,

including

using it,

using the

following kinds

of people

for one's

own sexual

gratification.

Slaves,

people forced

to live

in one's

own

household,

defenseless

women,

virgins

placed under

one's

protective care,

a wife

during her

monthly cycle.

It's also

used in

predatory

male

homosexual

relationships,

unnatural

homosexual

relationships,

incest,

rape,

adultery,

sex with

a defiled

concubine,

or just

sex with

someone outside

of your

marriage,

someone who

is not

your wife.

So he

argues that

what the

position being

put forward

by the

Corinthians,

that the

Corinthians are

asking Paul

for comment

on,

is not,

should we be

celibate in

marriage?

That seems

like a bit

of a stretch.

It's more

saying,

hey,

there's a

statement out

there that

might be

translated,

don't use

other people

for your own

sexual

gratification.

Don't use

it for

selfish

passion.

The

Corinthian

church has

written to

Paul saying,

what do we

do with

this?

How do we

understand

this?

And Paul

is at

some of

his

pastoral

best in

this.

His

argument is

nuanced.

He does

not thunder.

He does

not say,

as he did

in chapter

six,

do you

not know?

Do you

not know

that this

is true,

and this

is true,

and this

is true?

Why are

you acting

that way?

He says,

well,

let's think

about this,

brothers and

sisters.

Let's come

together and

consider this,

because these

are hard

issues,

and he has

some really

practical

wisdom,

and I'm

hoping that

it will

translate to

you and

to your

lives as

we explore

it,

because his

fundamental

response is

yes,

but then he

takes it to

probably another

level that the

Corinthians never

imagined.

So the

question is,

how are we

meant to

live out

this calling

to not

be sexually

immoral in

marriage?

Are we

supposed to

just use our

wives for

babies,

and everything

else we find

somewhere else?

That's what the

culture tells us.

Are we supposed

to abstain

completely?

What are we

supposed to do?

And Paul says,

no,

no,

no.

The sexual

union between a

man and a

wife is a

part of the

gift and the

design of

marriage.

It is a

beautiful and

a wonderful

thing.

And I call

you to not

buy into the

cultural

disdain for

the passionate

and pleasurable

parts of it

within marriage.

This is a

good part of

the design.

Don't think

that's dirty

or wrong or

taking advantage

of it.

But let me

teach you how

to think about

it in a way

that actually is

shaped by the

gospel.

So that's what

he says in

verses 2-4.

Look with me

again,

verses 2-4.

Let me make a

couple of

observations.

First of all,

you see the

temptation.

Given the

cultural context

of you only

have sex with

your wife and

you go to a

prostitute for

release and

pleasure,

he's saying,

no, no, no,

no, no,

because that

sexual temptation

is out there,

but you ought

not to give

into it,

there is a

place for you

to spend your

energies.

Verse 2,

right?

Each man should

have his own

wife.

That doesn't

mean that he

just is married.

It means he

should have

her.

Have her in

the sense of

joining with

her sexually.

Right?

And there's an

emphasis on his

own and her

own, right?

And these are

two really

important things

that Paul is

saying here.

The only

place for you

to live out

your calling

and your

sexual desires

is within

your marriage

to your

spouse,

your own,

no one else's.

Wife swapping

is just out.

Doesn't fit.

Right?

But it's also

the wife to

his own,

to her own

husband and

the husband to

his own

wife.

wife.

Paul begins

to lay the

foundations of

a picture of

a mutuality in

marriage that

was very

foreign to

that culture.

A sense of

equality in

this role.

And even in

the pursuit of

the pleasing,

passionate part

of sex.

the husband

should give

himself to

his wife for

her conjugal

rights and

likewise the

wife to her

husband.

Now look,

men, we need

to be careful

here.

Because it's very

easy to read

this the way we

contend to give,

say,

anniversary gifts.

Look, honey, I

got you a

pneumatic drill.

We give gifts

that is completely

self-centered and

only for our

benefit.

And we can do

that in this

context as well.

Right?

Look, honey, I

did all this so

that you can

please me.

That's not what

it says.

It says the

husband is to

give to

his wife.

to let her

be pleased.

To seek for

her to be

blessed in the

sexual union.

It's not you

owe me this.

It's an I owe

you this.

I have not

just the privilege

but actually the

duty to give

this to you.

He develops

this a little

bit more in

verse 4 where

he says,

look,

the wife

doesn't have

authority over

her own body.

The husband

doesn't have

authority over

his own body.

You have in

pledging yourself

to one another

before God and

these witnesses

in marriage,

you have said,

I give myself

to you,

body and soul.

you now

have a claim.

But notice

that Paul never

says,

you now have a

claim that you

can cash in on

your agenda and

your time frame and

say,

I'm ready to

take a withdrawal

from my deposit.

Thank you.

Paul says,

you have this

claim and the

obligation is not

to take it but

is to give it

to the other.

So as one

commentator says,

Paul puts

sexual relations

within Christian

marriage on a

much higher

ground than one

finds in most

cultures including

the church where

sex is often

viewed as a

husband's privilege

and the wife's

obligation.

For Paul,

the marriage bed

is both unitive

that is bringing

together in a

unity and an

affirmation that

the two belong to

one another in

total mutuality.

equality.

Friends, this is

what God has

called us to in

marriage.

Because remember

what Pastor Nick

said last week?

Marriage and sex,

they're the Rick

Steve's guide.

They're the book

that tells you

about something

that's yet to

come.

Do you remember

that illustration

he gave?

That what marriage

and sex are given

for in this world

is to point us to

an eternal marriage

supper of the Lamb

and an intimacy

with God and

with one another

that we can't

even imagine

and the joy

and the fulfillment

and the pleasure

that we think

often sex is the

pinnacle of.

Sex is just a

signpost pointing

to something better.

It's just a taste

of the feast that

is yet to come.

And so we ought

now to live

enjoying it

fully

not selfishly

for the good

of one another.

We don't do this

naturally friends.

We can only do this

for Christ.

We can only do it

with Christ's help.

I think about

how sex

is often portrayed.

All you have to do

is watch some sitcoms

or talk to your

co-workers.

Maybe even thinking

about your own life.

How is sex

in marriage

often used

and abused?

The range

is huge.

Marital rape

is a real thing

where one forces

himself usually

on the other.

But so is

banishment to the

couch.

We can use

sex as a weapon

to manipulate

one another

in our relationships.

We get caught up

in the cultural

fairy tales

that are put forth

whether by

pornography

or chick lit

about

what it's going

to look like.

and we've lost

God's vision

for us.

I want to be clear

here too

because historically

and typically

this passage

has been used

by Christian men

often

not always

but by Christian men

often

to coerce

saying

you owe me this.

it's typically

that way

although I want

to be careful

because I don't

think the gender

stereotypes always

fit.

I don't know

what your marriage

is like.

The hard issue

is

do you pursue

this part

of your marital

life

selfishly

or in a

self-sacrificial

giving sense?

are you willing

to give yourself

to your spouse

when you're not

up to it

for their pleasure?

Are you willing

to conduct yourself

with your spouse

saying

my greatest desire

is not my own

orgasm

but my own

but my desire

is to please them

and that they

would know

that this is

an act of love.

My greatest desire

is for their

pleasure in it.

Healthy marriages

have a healthy

sex life.

We all know

that there are seasons.

We all know

that there are

ups and downs

and I'm only

47.

Some of you

have walked

further into

what that looks

like as you

grow older.

But the Bible

knows very little

of a husband

and wife

who have no

sexual relations.

But broadly

defined

if it is missing

if it is

completely not

there

I'm inviting

pastoral counseling

I'm sure I am.

If it's not

there

there's a red

light on the

dashboard

saying

this marriage

might not be

all that God

wants it to be.

it's very

likely that

the issues

are not

purely physical

they're much

deeper

and complicated.

But part of

what Paul is

saying here

is that this

is a normal

part

of a healthy

marriage.

Now

having said

that

he then says

verses 5 and 6

and let's talk

about those

for a minute.

Because then

he says

look with me

again verse 5

don't deprive

one another.

That's the basic

thing that he's

been saying

like you're

supposed to

give yourselves

to one another.

Don't deprive

one another

except

except

and then he has

all these

qualifications

on what it

looks like.

Except

for a time

this shouldn't

be a long

term commitment

but for a time

it should be

for a purpose

and the purpose

seems to be

in mind here

kind of like

fasting.

Fasting is

seeing something

that God has

given us

that is good

and saying

I'm not

going to

partake of

that for

a period

of time

for the

sake of

focusing

solely

on the

Lord

because we

so easily

put our

hopes

and our

dreams

and our

attention

on the

things that

God gives

us instead

of God

himself.

So it

seems like

that's the

purpose

right?

Thirdly

it's meant

to be

by agreement.

It's a

beautiful

picture.

It actually

means in

concert or

in symphony

that this

is something

that you

would do

together

to say

no we're

not going

to do

this

together

because

we as

a couple

want to

pursue

the Lord

together

and again

at the end

with a plan

to come

back

together.

So Paul

says

there is a

reason why

maybe you

wouldn't pursue

this normal

healthy

pattern.

Here we

go into

the weeds.

Pastorally

I think

there are

some other

times when

it is

appropriate

for there

to be an

abstention

for a

period of

time.

I can

think of

a friend

of mine

who was

sexually

abused

as a

child.

When she

got married

her husband

lovingly

and patiently

walked

through with

her

a process

of healing

my guess

is it was

a long

road.

I don't

know the

details.

I certainly

won't share

them with

you.

But it was

a long

road

good for

them to

grow in

this area

given the

hurt and

the scars

of her

past.

If that

is true

for you

there is

a need

for much

grace

and much

patience.

But what I

would say

is I

hope that

even if you

are someone

with those

scars you

would long

for the

healing and

the growth

and the

ability to

please your

spouse in

the middle

of that.

That there

would be a

trajectory

not of

I can't

go there

done.

End of

conversation.

But I

can't go

there right

now and I

don't know

how I can

ever get to

going there

but gosh I

want to

because I

love you.

And that

the spouse

who is

loving that

abused

spouse would

be patient

and not

demanding.

It would

be self

controlled.

Similarly

in the

aftermath of

infidelity

I think

there's a

lot of

room for

rebuilding

of trust.

There is

no place

for a

demand of

I know

I cheated

on you

but the

Bible says

this is my

right so

you need

to give.

I think

there's

again there's

a trajectory

in the wake

of infidelity

the hope is

that there's a

rebuilding of a

marriage and of

that trust

and the

trajectory is

we're going

to get

there.

But I

also think

that there's

a lot of

room for

patience.

Certainly

there are

lots of

health reasons

why this

might happen.

Right after

a child is

born there's

almost always

a recovery

time for

a mother.

the vision

of marital

union and

intimacy

doesn't

overrun some

of these

realities.

I came

across a

story this

week about

a guy who's

suffering from

prostate cancer

and I want

to share it

just to give

you a sense

because I

think this

guy gets

it in some

really powerful

ways.

And I think

his wife does

too.

Some of

these dynamics.

This is what

he writes about

himself.

And this is

slightly edited

because it was

a little more

graphic than I'm

willing to be

this morning.

So if it's

too graphic for

you I'm

sorry.

Right now I'm

not quite what

you would call

a catch.

I wear man

pads for

intermittent

incontinence.

I'm a

bizarre of

scars and I've

been unable to

perform sexually

for several

months.

Most nights

I'm in bed

by ten.

The Lupron

hormone shots

have sent my

sex drive lower

than the stock

market and

given me hot

flashes so

fierce that I

sweat outdoors

when it's 20

degrees and

snowing.

Pretty attractive

huh?

There's a hunk

of guy for

you.

Even so

Deb has taught

me that love

is in the

details.

Humid

professions of

undying love

and tear

stained sonnets

are all well

and good but

they can't

compete with

the earthly

love of Deb

helping me

change and

drain my

catheter pouches

every day when

I come home from

the hospital.

When I say to

Deb I love

you I mean it

and when she

responds I love

you more she

means it too.

We understand

that time

perhaps is not

on our side.

Time we are

told will give

us our sex life

back.

As I said the

hormone shots

have shut down

my sex drive

and physically I

am still in

recovery from

surgery and

from radiation.

But as we

wait I tell you

this love abides.

Yes yes and

yes lust is

essential but

right now sex

seems quaint.

Old fashioned.

Oddly enough it

can't compete with

the depth and

gravity of a

light touch or

sly glance.

I'm in the mood

for the Beatles

and I want to

hold your hand.

Not Grace Jones

growling pull up

to my bumper

baby.

Don't get me

wrong.

I really really

like sex but

given a choice

between the mere

biology of lust and

the deep soul of

love I will

take love.

I just thought

this is such a

beautiful picture of

the balance that I

think Paul is

trying to get and

what I pastorly am

trying to bring to

you this morning.

Sex is a good

thing.

It's a normal part

of a healthy

marriage and it

ought to be pursued

and desired.

And that's what I

see.

I see in this

couple yes we

want that.

But right now

there's a lot of

patience and there's

a lot of grace and

there's a lot of

learning that love

is actually much

deeper and broader

than our sex life.

It's an important

part of it but it's

not the essence or

the substance of it.

And in fact

not only that

but they have

but they also

recognize

that

in the midst

of it all

there can be

forms of

seeking to

please one

another even

physically that

don't have to

do with

acrobatic

gymnastics or

even the very

functional parts

of intercourse.

The sexual

pleasing of one

another can be a

very broad

category and I

think it's really

interesting that he

nodded to that.

He said you know

that other stuff

like that's fun but

but there's another

kind of loving one

another that happens

in these seasons that

is different

and can be very

beautiful.

You singles are like

are we done with

this yet?

This is not

helpful.

but I hope that

you will see

that actually

it is helpful.

It's helpful

for those of you

who are married

to ask yourselves

the questions

am I giving myself

to my spouse

physically?

Am I available?

Am I depriving

them?

Am I using sex

as a weapon

or manipulation

in my marriage?

Am I selfishly

forcing myself

on my spouse?

All right

for those of you

who are single

here's your first

application.

Golly

what does your

dating life look

like?

Is it selfish

or is it

selfless?

What are the

physical boundaries

that you've set up

to honor

the marriage bed

by saying

there are lots

of things

that I don't

need to do

until such a time

as God may give

me a spouse

and I'm not

going to

jump the line

on that.

And when you're

looking for someone

who's going to

walk with you

through all the

ups and downs

of life

make sure it's

someone who isn't

going to push

those boundaries

because if they're

selfish in their

dating life

they're going to

be more selfish

in their marriage.

All right

so

having held up

this incredibly

high view

of marriage

and particularly

marital sex

as a joy

and a blessing

and as a guard

against sexual

infidelity

even.

Little side note

on that.

It's very easy

to think

that that can be

used as a weapon

too.

Hey Paul says

like I'm going

to go wander

if you don't

give to me

so you know

you got to

give right?

And what he's

saying is no

no no

that's the wrong

spirit.

It is true

that a healthy

sex life is a

good boundary

to help

us from

wander into

sexual immorality

and infidelity

but it can

never be used

to manipulate

or to force

like that.

It's contrary

to the whole

sense of

mutuality

and seeking

one's pleasure

that Paul

is holding

up here.

All right

Paul goes

on.

He does not

end there.

Verse 6

when it says

now this

I say this

as a concession

the ESV

has a very

unfortunate

paragraph break.

I think it

goes with

verse 5

because verse 5

is a concession.

A normal

healthy sex life

is a normal

part of a

marriage.

Oh but there's

one concession

I'm going to

give to it.

Now that's

what I say

is a concession

not as a

command.

Now let's

go back to

what I really

want to say.

Now having

said all of

that about

how wonderful

marriage is

and how

wonderful

sex is

I wish

you weren't

married.

I wish

you didn't

have to be

bothered by

all that

stuff.

I wish

you were

as I am.

Each one

has a

gift.

A charisma.

We'll see

this later.

Gifts of

prophecy

and teaching

and service

and administration

and mercy.

Paul uses

the same

word here.

He says

you have

a gift

each one.

Some of

you have

the gift

of marriage.

Some of

you have

the gift

of singleness.

Okay

really brief

side note

culturally

drives me

crazy.

Some of

you young

people

nowadays

use

single

meaning

you're

not

dating

and

when

you're

dating

you're

not

single

anymore.

The Bible

only has

two categories

married

and not

married.

When you

are not

married

you are

not

married

and you

can't

act

like

married

people.

It's

helpful

to fight

against

that

cultural

stand.

When

you are

single

be

fully

single.

It

doesn't

mean

you

can't

be

dating

or

even

engaged.

There's

a good

process

in that

but

recognize

that

until

you

are

married

you

are

not

married.

Sorry

that's

really

simple

right?

But the

language

today

I've

been

really

concerned

because

I've

heard

many

people

say

oh

well

he's

single

what

does

that

mean

he's

not

dating

anyone

that's

not

that

anyway

all

right

come

on

so

what

does

Paul

say

Paul

says

I

wish

yours

why

I

am

why

because

it's

clear

that

in

this

context

Paul

says

he

was

single

right

now

was

Paul

ever

married

yeah

it's

a fun

conversation

most

Pharisees