Friendship: Walking in Wisdom

Good morning, church.

Would you turn with me to the Old Testament book of Proverbs?

That book begins on page 527 in the Pew Bible.

We're considering the theme of wisdom this summer.

That is the skill of living life well, which is what the book of Proverbs is all about.

And what Proverbs has been showing us is that wisdom is a bit like a diamond.

A diamond has lots of sides, lots of aspects, but when you look into a diamond, you get

to see most of those or all those different sides at once, sort of reflecting and refracting

the light in these brilliant ways.

A diamond is one thing with lots of sides, and as a whole, it makes a thing of beauty.

And what we've been seeing is wisdom is like that.

Wisdom is a life.

Wisdom is an integrated whole, but it has lots of sides and lots of aspects that together

create a thing of beauty.

So each week this summer, we've been taking up a different aspect, a different side of

wisdom.

And today, we come to the theme of friendship.

Look at Proverbs 18.24 with me.

We'll start with just one verse this morning as we dive in.

Proverbs 18.24 says,

A man of many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a

brother.

Now, friendship is something that's notoriously hard to define, isn't it?

Philosophers have kind of wrestled with the nature of friendship for a long time.

Last year, a professor at Princeton named Alexander Nahum has published a book called On Friendship.

It's 300 pages long.

Of course, only a philosopher can take a subject like friendship and write 300 awesome, rich,

thick pages.

That's what you've got to love about philosophy.

And when asked in an interview to define friendship, he said, friendship is difficult to describe.

It's easier to say what friendship is not, he said, and foremost, it's not instrumental.

What he means by that is that friendship isn't some means to some other end.

You don't use the person to get something else.

That's not what friendship is all about.

C.S. Lewis in a chapter on friendship says that friendship arises out of the sea of all

of our sort of mere companions when two people discover that they have some common interest

or insight that others don't share.

In other words, he says the typical expression of opening friendship would be something like,

what?

You too?

I thought I was the only one.

But if friendship is hard to define, it's also perhaps even harder to do.

Often the very tools and technologies that are meant to facilitate relationships and friendships,

things like smartphones and apps like Facebook,

the incredible ease of travel that we live in in the 21st century.

I mean, just think about it.

A trip to New York City to visit a friend takes what today?

Like a couple of hours max, right?

You know, but think about it.

A couple hundred years ago in the 18th century, for instance,

when Jonathan Edwards was leaving his first pastorate,

traveling from New York City back to Hartford,

he was getting all sad and emotional in his journal

because he knew that he'd rarely get the chance to see those people again.

It was like a multiple day trip.

It wasn't something you could just jump on the train and go to in a couple hours.

But very interestingly today,

the very tools that are meant to facilitate friendships for us

actually can have the reverse effect and make them all the more difficult.

We're constantly interrupted by our cell phones.

Our friends on Facebook number in the hundreds.

And we all know, right,

that you can't actually have a meaningful friendship with hundreds of people.

And the ease of travel has created a transience in our culture,

an ease of movement for school or job or just preference

that actually makes maintaining friendships incredibly difficult.

As soon as you make a good friend, they move away.

Or you move away.

And yet here in Proverbs, we're being told that friendship,

as hard as it is to define, as hard as it is to do,

is worth the effort.

Friendship is part of the truly wise life.

So why don't we take a look in the next couple of minutes

at what Proverbs has to say about what a good friend looks like.

What sort of friends ought we to be?

What's the nature of true friendship?

And I think there are at least three points that Proverbs makes here.

Derek Kidner lists some of these in his excellent little commentary on Proverbs.

And I'm following his lead.

The first thing that we see in Proverbs is that a good friend

is constant.

Look again at Proverbs 18, 24.

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Now, we've all experienced fair-weather friends, right?

Friends who kind of come and go, depending on your circumstance.

And Proverbs is actually quite honest about that experience, too.

Just listen to some of these verses.

Don't turn there.

From chapter 14.

The poor is disliked by his neighbor,

but the rich has many friends.

And from chapter 19.

Wealth brings many new friends,

but a poor man is deserted by his friend.

Many seek the favor of a generous man,

and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts.

But all a poor man's brothers hate him.

How much more do his friends go far from him?

He pursues them with words,

but does not have them.

Such friends,

Proverbs is telling us,

aren't really friends at all.

Rather, as you see there in 1824,

a friend is one who sticks closer than a brother,

not just in good times,

but in bad times as well.

Look just across the page at Proverbs 17, 17.

Proverbs 17, 17.

A friend loves at all times.

A friend loves at all times,

and a brother is born for adversity.

A true friend loves at all times.

They are constant.

Even in seasons of adversity.

Of course,

I think the great biblical example of this

is the friendship between Jonathan and David.

I mean,

think of how easy it would have been

and how tempting it would have been

for Jonathan to drop David as a friend.

We often sort of skim through those narratives

in 1 Samuel,

not realizing what's at stake.

I mean,

think about it.

After all,

not only was David being hunted

by Jonathan's own father,

but David had been anointed

the next king of Israel.

In other words,

David was going to take

Jonathan's place on the throne

when Saul died.

How would you feel about it

if your friend

was going to usurp your place on the throne?

And yet,

Jonathan remains loyal

in his friendship to David.

He stuck by him,

even when it was personally costly,

even when David

was experiencing affliction,

and even when he himself

was actually going to

have something to lose.

True friendship is constant.

But we see here in Proverbs

that a good friend

is not just constant,

a good friend is also candid.

Turn to chapter 27

in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 27:9

27 verse 9.

27 verse 9 reads,

oil and perfume

make the heart glad.

And the sweetness of a friend

comes from his earnest counsel.

What makes a friendship

truly sweet?

Proverbs is saying

it's actually more

than just common interest.

The sweetness of a friend

comes from his or her

earnest counsel,

from their being honest,

from their being forthright,

from them being candid with you.

In other words,

a friend isn't someone

who's just going to tell you

what you want to hear

all the time.

They'll give you input.

They'll give you advice

that's candid.

What's the alternative to that?

Proverbs 29 5.

Proverbs 29 5 says,

a man who flatters his neighbor

spreads a net for his feet.

A man who flatters his neighbor

spreads a net for his feet.

Now, it's helpful to know,

actually, as an aside,

that the Hebrew word

in Proverbs for neighbor

and for friend,

they're actually translating

the same word.

So, the Hebrew word

actually just means

something like another person

that you're close to.

And of course,

that can mean sort of emotional

or personal closeness.

That's why we translate it

as friend sometimes.

Or it can just mean

spatial closeness,

geographical closeness.

That's why it's your neighbor.

The context kind of helps us know

whether we should think of friend

or think of neighbor.

But sometimes, you know,

it could go either way.

So, in Proverbs 29 5,

it's telling us that flattery

of your neighbor

or even more poignantly

of a friend is setting them up

to walk right into a trap.

So, think about it.

Have your friends,

have your good friends even,

have they ever disagreed with you?

Have they ever given you

earnest counsel?

Or are they afraid

to step on your toes?

And more importantly,

have you been that sort

of friend to others?

Are you willing to put yourself

in the position to be candid?

Even if you know

it might not land

all that well at first.

It's a lot easier

to just flatter one another,

isn't it?

Oftentimes, I think

we define friendship today

as a person

who just always affirms me

and offers zero resistance.

Who are my really good friends?

The persons who are just

always going to affirm me.

The person who says,

look, I just want you

to be happy,

do what you feel is best.

Oh, they're a real friend to me.

But you know,

according to Proverbs,

the sort of friendship,

that sort of friendship,

if that's all it is,

actually isn't friendship at all.

Or at least it's a very,

very thin version of it.

We see this theme a lot

in Proverbs actually.

Proverbs 27.6.

This is maybe a familiar one

to some of us.

Proverbs 27.6.

Faithful are the wounds

of a friend.

Profuse are the kisses

of an enemy.

Or as Oscar Wilde

jokingly put it,

a true friend

stabs you in the front.

A true friend

stabs you in the front.

Not sure exactly

what Oscar Wilde

meant by that actually.

You can go do that

research yourself.

Now, a couple weeks ago,

Matt took us through

the topic of giving

and receiving correction

in Proverbs.

So we're not going to

spend a lot of time

talking about this.

If you want to go

learn more about

that aspect of friendship,

you can look at that sermon

on the website

or on the podcast.

But friends,

just for a second,

would you agree

that you need

those sort of friends?

And do you see

how that's what it means

for you to be a good friend?

That friendship

is something

that's supposed

to sharpen us

and bring us forth

into the kind

of people

that God wants us

to be,

not just allow us

to kind of remain

where we are.

But there's one more thing

that Proverbs points out.

A good friend

isn't just constant,

isn't just candid.

A good friend

is also thoughtful.

Thoughtful.

In other words,

a good friend

is sensitive

to the feelings

and the situation

of the other person.

Proverbs,

on this front,

actually gives a bunch

of examples

of what not to do.

And some are funny,

like Proverbs 27, 14,

which we saw

a few weeks ago.

Whoever blesses

his neighbor

or his friend

with a loud voice

rising early

in the morning

will be counted

as cursing.

Here's how

I would translate that.

Look,

friends don't text

friends before 8 a.m.,

okay?

I haven't had

my cup of coffee yet.

I don't want to see

your emoji cons.

I don't want to see

the gif of a kitty cat

giving a high five

to a baby.

I'm just kidding.

You can text me

before 8 a.m.

That's fine.

Just not before 7 a.m.

That's where I draw the line.

But the point is,

I think that Proverbs

is meant to sort of

make humorously here,

is a good friend

is thoughtful.

They're not just sort of

rampaging through

their different relationships.

They're thoughtful

about the other person.

According to Proverbs 25, 17,

a good friend is thoughtful

about not overstaying

their welcome.

Let your foot seldom

be in your neighbor's

or your friend's house.

Lest he have his fill of you

and hate you.

Know when to give

the other person

some space,

Proverbs says.

Don't always force yourself in.

A good friend

doesn't smother

the other person.

And we all sort of

sense this, right?

There's a certain kind

of freedom

in friendship

that makes it

what it is.

You can't force it.

You've got to let it breathe.

So Proverbs is saying,

a good friend knows

when to give it

some space.

And you also need to know

when something

just isn't funny.

Proverbs 26, 18.

Proverbs 26, 18.

Like a madman

who throws firebrands,

arrows,

and death

is the man

who deceives

his neighbor,

his friend,

and says,

I'm only joking.

Look,

a good friend knows

when the joke

has gone far enough

and you cut it out.

And probably

as a good,

thoughtful friend,

you apologize

for some of the things

you already said.

Have you ever been

in a friendship

where it seems like

the constant tenor

of that friendship

is sort of just

poking fun at each other,

razzing each other,

poking each other?

I'm only joking.

And yet it wears thin.

A good friend knows

when the joke

is played out.

So then a good friend

is thoughtful.

This is an important

balance to the point

about a good friend

being candid,

isn't it?

There are times,

yes,

when you should give

some earnest counsel

or even a faithful wound.

But have you actually

been thoughtful,

careful,

about what the other person

is going through?

Sometimes people

just need someone

to listen to them.

The Apostle Paul

puts it quite beautifully,

I think.

He says,

we need to rejoice

with those who rejoice

and we need to weep

with those who weep.

That's a pretty good picture

of friendship,

I think.

Your joys are my joys.

Your sorrows

are my sorrows.

In other words,

don't think that

real friendship

means clobbering

each other

with the candor stick

all the time.

Correction,

correction,

correction.

Yes,

iron sharpens iron.

We need that.

We need to spur

one another on

to love and good deeds,

but we need to do that

with deep sympathy

for each other's weaknesses.

Just like Jesus,

our great high priest,

sympathizes

with all our weaknesses.

So a good friend

is constant,

is candid,

is thoughtful.

They're with you

through thick and thin.

They're willing

to be honest

when you need it

and they're caring.

They listen to you.

They know you.

They see into your heart.

They welcome you.

That's what wise friendship

looks like.

That's the mark

we're aiming for

in friendships

according to Proverbs.

So I think it might be helpful

to just take a moment

and think about

some of your friendships.

Of course,

it would be easy

for all of us

to start thinking

of all the ways

our friends

have fallen short

of this ideal

toward us.

But instead,

examine your own heart.

What sort of friend

have you and I been?

How do you need

to change and grow?

Is it your constancy?

Is it your candor?

Your thoughtfulness?

How about talking about it

over lunch today?

How about bringing that up

in your lunchtime conversation?

You know,

here's the part of friendship

I think I can actually

get better at.

This is the part

I think I struggle with.

This is the part

I really appreciate.

What do you think?

Think for a moment

about the sort of friend

you've been.

And if you're married,

start with your spouse,

with your wife,

with your husband.

Because after all,

even if marriage

means more than friendship,

it certainly doesn't mean less.

What sort of friendship

are you cultivating

with your spouse?

What have you done

in the last week,

the last two weeks,

the last month

that would genuinely

kindle your friendship?

If you and I had coffee

this afternoon,

how would you answer that?

Would you be able

to answer that?

You know,

there's a funny thing

that happens

when we get married.

Before marriage,

you look at this person

and you think,

they are my best friend.

I couldn't live without them.

And then somewhere around

48 hours after the honeymoon,

couples are like,

man,

I just don't get to spend

any time with my friends anymore.

I don't know what's going on.

Or you ask a married person,

so who are your friends?

And they're like,

well,

I had some friends in college.

You know,

I got married.

So much for that.

How ridiculous, right?

My guess is that

50% or more

of marriage problems

are because we just stop

actively pursuing

real friendship together.

We spend so much time saying,

I've got to love this person.

I've got to love this person

that we forget

to actually like them.

We forget to actually

cultivate a friendship with them.

And Proverbs is showing us

that friendship,

yeah,

takes some work.

Friendship might be something

that sort of starts out,

like Lewis describes,

as something you just sort of

happen upon,

something you stumble into.

What?

You too?

I thought I was the only one.

You know,

but from there,

constancy,

candor,

thoughtfulness,

the marks of real friendship,

those don't just happen naturally.

You need to be intentional.

Husbands,

wives,

you need to keep pursuing

one another as friends.

But of course,

the application of this

is much broader

than the husbands and wives.

We know that all of us,

married or single,

male or female,

introvert or extrovert.

All of us need to be

pursuing friendship.

This is what wise living,

living with the grain

of God's created universe

is all about.

After all,

friends,

think about it.

If God is a trinity,

if the one God

exists eternally

in three persons,

if at the heart

of ultimate reality

is relationship,

the deep,

eternal reality

of love and friendship

within God Himself,

among Father,

Son,

and Holy Spirit,

if that's true

about who God is,

then as human beings

made in God's image,

we too

are made to function

at our best

in friendship.

And of course,

for most of us

at a very practical level,

that's probably going to mean

a shift

of some priorities

to make time for it.

I'm as much guilty

of this

as anybody else.

It's going to mean

a shift

of some priorities,

maybe taking on

one less project

at work

or taking on

one less improvement

project around the house,

spending a little less time

on that hobby

or that pastime

or binging on Netflix

or whatever,

spending a little more time

face-to-face

with those two or three people

you're developing

a real friendship with.

Maybe it means

stepping out of your comfort zone

and initiating

with one or two people,

taking the first step,

taking the second step,

not just waiting around

for it to happen.

Sometimes it means

stepping out of our comfort zone

and initiating

even if we haven't had luck

with that in the past.

And of course,

we know that when the rubber

hits the road,

that's hard.

All of that.

It's hard to say no at work.

It's hard to give up

the time doing

the leisurely thing

you love to do,

reading or hiking

or whatever it is.

But friends,

think about it.

What's the alternative?

What if we don't do

the hard work of friendship?

The alternative is

that we remain stuck

always in the superficial.

Paul Tripp puts it this way

in one of his books.

He says,

we live in interwoven networks

of terminally casual relationships.

relationships.

We live in interwoven networks

of terminally casual relationships.

We live with the delusion

that we know one another,

but we really don't.

We call our easygoing,

self-protective,

and often theologically

platitudinous conversations fellowship,

but they seldom ever reach

the threshold of true fellowship.

Ouch.

And yet,

how often is that true,

friends?

Maybe another way of asking this

is to ask,

who really knows you?

Who's behind the curtain

of your life?

And who do you know well?

But it doesn't have to be this way,

you know.

What if the church

became the place

where friendship

was something we worked hard at?

For a long time,

the church has rightfully

put a huge value

on marriage,

and yet we've let

our thinking

and our acting

in friendship

emaciate.

And yet,

that's not the biblical picture.

Friendship is something

that's deeply valuable

and incredibly important.

What if the church

became the place

where we caught

that biblical vision again,

and friendship

was something

that we gave ourselves to,

that we worked hard at?

No,

you're not going to be friends

with absolutely everyone.

No,

we're never going to do

friendship perfectly,

but what if this was the place

where the epidemic

of loneliness

that's eating us up culturally,

and it is?

What if this was the place

where just our deep-seated

loneliness as a culture

was met

by the force

of something greater?

What if the church

was the place

where friendships

took root,

not on the basis

of some common interest

or on the basis

of some common

workout schedule

or some common place

to do happy hour?

What if the church

was the place

where friendship

took root

in something much deeper,

more powerful,

more lasting,

more satisfying

than all of that?

In other words,

what if the church

was the place

where you could be known

and know others

in and through

the love of God

in a way

that was constant

and candid

and deeply,

richly thoughtful?

In the book of Acts,

Luke gives us

a snapshot

of the early church

at the end

of chapter 2

and he says,

they devoted themselves,

they devoted themselves

to the apostles' teaching

and to the fellowship,

to the breaking of bread

and to prayer.

I don't know about you,

but we skip over

that second phrase

pretty quickly,

don't we?

They devoted themselves

to the fellowship.

Rich relationships

weren't a casual,

secondary thing

for our brothers

and sisters

in the early church.

They devoted themselves

to it.

And what happened

as a result?

Luke tells us

in the rest of Acts 2,

he says,

and the Lord

added to their number

day by day

those who were being saved

as the power

of the gospel

expressed itself,

yes,

in a devotion

to the apostles' teaching

and into all-filled worship

and into deep,

rich prayer,

but also, friends,

in devoted fellowship.

As the power

of the gospel

expressed itself

in that kind

of friendship

and fellowship,

God used it

as a means

to grow the church,

to bring more

and more people

to himself.

What if part

of our evangelistic

strategy

in the time

and in the place

that God has for us

has to entail friendship?

I think it does,

friends.

And here's why,

because the life

of Christ

is not going

to look plausible

to your neighbors

or my neighbors

unless they see

relationships

where that's being

lived out

and made visible

and made real

before their very eyes.

You and I know

that following Christ

is incredibly

countercultural.

How are our friends

going to even picture

what that looks like

unless here

in this place

there are friendships

where that's being

lived out with joy

and with deep meaning?

So true friendship

is constant,

it's candid,

and it's thoughtful.

But you know,

the book of Proverbs

is a very realistic book.

It admits

that this sort of friendship

is very rare.

Proverbs 26 says,

Many a man proclaims

his steadfast love,

but a faithful man

who can find?

Aristotle

supposedly once exclaimed,

Oh, my friends,

there is no friend.

Who can find a friend

like we've been describing?

You might be thinking,

I've never had a friend

like that.

And newsflash,

most of my experiences

in church

have not been like that.

You might be thinking,

all of my friends

have been fickle

and not constant.

They've moved away,

they've stopped calling,

they're surfacy,

they're not candid,

they barely know me.

Constant,

candid,

thoughtful,

no one's ever

been a friend to me

like that.

How can I turn around

and be that kind of friend?

Oh,

my friends,

there is no friend.

But are we so sure

about that?

What if you actually

did have a friend like that?

Constant,

completely truthful

and honest

and yet utterly

thoughtful and loving.

What if you did have a friend

who knew you

at that deep level,

who pursued you,

who stuck it out

through your ups and downs?

What if you had

a friend like that?

Wouldn't you be able

then to turn around

and be a friend like that?

If you knew

that amidst all

your companions

and acquaintances,

you had a friend

who stuck closer

than a brother,

it would change everything,

wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it give you

the courage

to step out

and make new friends

if you had at least

one really good friend?

And wouldn't it give you

the strength

to let go

of old friends

if you knew

that there was one

who stuck closer

than a brother?

If you had

that sort of friend,

would it not then

empower you

to be that sort of friend?

And yet again,

has anyone ever

had a friend like that?

Well, friends,

here's the good news,

is that despite

what you may think,

the message of Christianity

is that we have

and we do,

you see.

In the last days

of His earthly ministry,

Jesus said,

greater love

has no one than this,

than a man

laid down his life

for his friends.

And you know

what happened

that very night?

That very night

in the Garden of Gethsemane,

while we were

falling asleep,

while we were

showing ourselves

to be unconstant

and unfaithful

and unthoughtful,

as we failed

to be the friend

that He deserved,

Jesus Christ

goes forward.

He meets this gang

of torches

and spears

that had come

for Him

and all the rest

of them,

and He says,

if you seek Me,

let these men go.

and in our place,

Jesus goes forward

into that gang

who had come

with bloodthirstiness

for Him.

And He goes forward

to the cross,

losing all of His earthly

friends along the way,

losing even the Heavenly

Father's favor

as He became sin

for us

on the cross.

friends,

do you see

what God

has become

for you

in Christ?

He's become

your true friend,

sharing all

of our infirmities,

not a single need,

not a single temptation,

not a single heartache

is foreign to Him.

Sharing all

of our infirmities

and sticking closer

to us

than a brother,

even when it meant

laying down

His own life

for us.

And after laying

down His life,

we know that

after His suffering

on the third day,

He rose again,

reconciling us

to the Father,

making it true

that for all

who turn

and trust in Him

once and for all,

we can become

the friends of God.

Isn't that amazing?

You know,

there are these echoes

in the Old Testament.

Abraham at one point

is called God's friend.

Moses at one point

is said that

he speaks to God

face to face

as a man speaks

with a friend,

but those are rare.

Those are exceptions

to the rule.

Those are Abraham.

Those are Moses.

And yet here comes Christ

tearing the veil in two

and saying,

I've made you all

my friends.

It's not just

the privilege

of a select few.

It's all of us.

And what's more,

Christ has even given us

the Holy Spirit

so that we might begin

to live in the rich assurance

of His unyielding friendship

to us.

You remember the words

that He spoke?

The risen Lord spoke

to the disciples

as they gathered

in Galilee?

He says,

I'm with you always,

even to the end

of the age.

Isn't that exactly

what we want our friends

to say to us?

I'm with you always,

no matter what comes.

And the Holy Spirit's work

is to make those words

resonate deeper

and deeper in our souls

so that we might become

more and more

the kind of people

who can become

the sort of friends

to others

that Proverbs talks about.

One hymn puts it this way,

Jesus,

what a friend

for sinners.

Jesus,

lover of my soul.

Friends may fail me.

Foes assail me.

He,

my Savior,

makes me whole.

Hallelujah,

what a Savior.

Hallelujah,

what a friend.

Saving,

helping,

keeping,

loving.

He is with me

to the end.

Brothers and sisters,

you have a friend

that sticks closer

than a brother.

A constant,

candid,

perfectly loving.

So now,

let us live

out that friendship

with one another.

Let's pray.

Lord Jesus,

we confess that often

our friendships

are so riddled

and so hard.

Lord,

how much further

do we need to go

to discover

our own brokenness

and our own need

of redemption

than to look at

our own friendships

and how far

short they fall.

And yet,

Lord Jesus,

we praise you

this morning

for your kindness

and your faithfulness

and your steadfast love.

Lord,

that when we were

friendless,

when we hated

one another

and were hated

by each other,

you entered in

to our sin-sick world

and our friendless

and lonely world

and you broke

open the gates

of friendship.

Lord,

thank you

this morning

that you know

each one of us

personally,

individually,

intimately.

Lord,

help us to see that.

Help us to know that.

Help us to live

in the joy of that,

that you are

a faithful friend.

And Lord,

help us to be

so filled by that

and by your spirit

that we can become

the friends

that you call us

to be in the church

and that our world

so desperately needs.

Father,

we ask all this

in the strong name

of Jesus.

Amen.