Family: Walking in Wisdom

All right, good morning, church.

This morning we're continuing our series in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs is a book about living wisely.

Proverbs says that wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord, that is, being in a right

relationship to the one true God, but it expresses itself in every facet of human life.

And this morning we're considering what Proverbs has to say about wisdom as it's lived out

in the context of the family.

Now, before we dive in, let me give two recommendations for books on this topic, both of which you

can find downstairs on the bookstall.

Number one, a book for parents and children.

Let me recommend a book called Wise Words by Peter Lightheart.

It's a book of stories based on the themes and figures in the book of Proverbs.

So I've been reading it recently to my children, and we were with their cousins.

I was reading it to them.

They range from four to ten years old.

And what I really like about this book is how it engages the moral imagination of children

using biblical imagery, giving pictures of wisdom and folly and some of their consequences

in a really engaging and thought-provoking way.

And these are not just cute bedtime stories.

Some of these are a little scary, and so they're appropriate for maybe elementary-aged kids.

So let me recommend that, Wise Words.

And also a book for husbands and wives.

Now, there are many books for husbands and wives on the bookstall.

Many of you might have read Tim and Kathy Keller's The Meaning of Marriage or Gary Thomas' book

Sacred Marriage.

But let me recommend a lesser-known book called The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason.

And he also begins by quoting from Proverbs.

He begins by quoting, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

And uses that to talk about how marriage works to refine us.

But let me give you a quote from this book.

He says,

A marriage may be compared to a great tree growing right up through the center of one's living room.

It is something that is just there.

And it is huge.

And everything has to be built around it.

Marriage is the most persistent reminder of the presence of other people in the world.

That they are there.

That they are real.

And that they are wildly different from the imaginary beings who normally people our thoughts and fantasies.

And he goes on to talk about how marriage teaches us about God's otherness.

And God's reality.

And also God's deep love.

And intimacy with us.

So I recommend both of these.

Consider them.

But now let's delve into the book of Proverbs on the family.

Let me begin with the verse that's on the front of your bulletin.

Proverbs 24, 3, and 4.

By wisdom a house is built.

And by understanding it is established.

By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

And this verse highlights a theme that we see throughout the Bible.

In Genesis 1 we see God forming and filling the world with his wisdom.

In the Old Testament we see the Lord in his wisdom instructing Solomon to build him a physical house, the temple.

And then we see the Lord filling it with his glory.

In the New Testament we see Jesus Christ, God's wisdom incarnate, building a spiritual house, the church, through his death and resurrection.

Ephesians says God is building us into a place where God dwells.

That is, where we're filled with God's Spirit.

So, this theme of God building and filling the world and his people with his wisdom.

That's the big picture.

That's why we meet together every week.

To be built up in God's Word and to be filled with the empowering presence of his Spirit so that we can live our lives to his praise and glory.

Now today we're looking at one particular expression of that Word-shaped, Spirit-filled life.

When Ephesians tells us, be filled with the Spirit, walk in wisdom, it goes on to speak about the family.

How God's wisdom should shape husbands and wives and parents and children in particular.

We also read a similar passage from Colossians, right, that talks about what it means to put on love and kindness and forgiveness and all those godly character qualities.

And then it talks about a bit briefly about how those play out in marriage and parenting.

So, that's our topic today.

How God's wisdom can and should be embodied in marriage and transmitted to children.

And in the book of Proverbs, this is a central theme.

In fact, as we've seen, the whole book of Proverbs is framed as parental advice, right?

We hear the voice of a father speaking to his son.

And sometimes the voice of a mother as well, admonishing and encouraging the son to walk in the way of wisdom.

And one of the main topics that the father speaks to his son about as his son is growing into a man is how to find a godly wife.

What kind of woman do you want to pursue, right?

Wisdom and folly are embodied as women, right?

And so, he's both speaking about wisdom generally, but also he's speaking practically about how do you choose wisely a marriage partner.

And the book ends with a poem in praise of the excellent wife.

And we'll look at that briefly a bit later.

So, in Proverbs, the family is one of the most important contexts where wisdom is embodied and transmitted.

So, this message about the family is important for you regardless of whether you're married and regardless of whether you have children at home.

For some of you, message about marriage and parenting, that speaks to your current present situation.

You're like, yeah, I probably need some wisdom here.

For others, it will be an important part of your future, right?

We spend 12, 13 years in elementary school and then four years in college learning all kinds of things that you may or may not use.

You may or may not use calculus ever again once you finish high school.

Well, maybe you'll have to use it in college, but you may not use it once you're done with college, right?

But we value those kinds of things.

We value that kind of learning.

But all those years of school give you very little training in how to choose a spouse wisely, how to live with a spouse in love, or how to raise kids,

even though many of us will spend much of our lives doing that.

So, these are areas where we need wisdom, even if you're not at that stage of life yet.

Now, some of you, you may never get married or have kids, or maybe that's part of your past, but it's not going to be part of the future.

But many of your brothers and sisters in Christ will, and it's important for you to learn how to encourage those of us who do,

just as it's important for us who are married to learn about God's calling on those who are single

and seek to walk alongside you and encourage you in God's calling on your life.

Further, as we speak about these topics, marriage and parenting,

we'll see the character of God Himself sort of behind God's teaching on these things.

So, as we've delved into these topics, I've put some of the main Proverbs in the bulletin,

and I think it's on page 6 in your bulletin this morning.

Proverbs on family.

So, you can follow along here.

I think it's easier than flipping back and forth just to find one verse at a time.

So, this is the outline we're going to follow this morning.

So, number one, wisdom embodied in marriage.

We're going to begin here.

What does Proverbs teach about marriage?

Well, Proverbs teaches that marriage is a very good thing.

It's a good gift from a good God who created us.

1822, he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

1914, a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Proverbs affirms the goodness of God's creation order.

That's one of the main themes of the book.

And marriage, as we see in the creation story, is one of God's best gifts to humanity.

Right?

God provides Eve as a helper, that is, as a strong ally for Adam.

She is a suitable companion, an intimate friend, a co-worker in ruling over creation,

a bearer of life, one who compliments him by providing what he lacks.

And Proverbs affirms all of that that we see in Genesis 1 and 2 about marriage.

Proverbs also affirms that there's something marvelous and mysterious about marriage.

Chapter 30, 18, and 19 says,

Three things are too wonderful for me.

For I do not understand the way of an eagle in the sky,

the way of a serpent on a rock,

the way of a ship on the high seas,

and the way of a man with a woman.

You might think, how does that logic go?

Well, the eagle in the sky,

the serpent on a rock,

the ship on choppy waters,

they all move in

and cleave to,

that means they hold on

to their appropriate and difficult environments

in an easy,

intriguing,

gracious,

rolling manner,

without leaving a trace,

yet reaching their goals.

And Proverbs says,

In a similar way,

the way of a man with a woman is mysterious and marvelous.

Most likely,

this includes a reference to sexual intercourse,

to the unique and even breathtaking intimacy

between a man and woman in the covenant of marriage.

Proverbs said,

This is a wonderful thing.

It is a mysterious,

marvelous thing that God in His infinite wisdom has made.

Proverbs also goes on to speak

not just about the goodness of marriage

and the mystery of it,

but it goes on to describe and praise

an excellent wife.

12.4,

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband.

Chapter 31 is a poem

in praise of such an excellent wife.

Now, the phrase,

an excellent wife,

could also be translated,

a valiant wife,

or a woman of strength.

You know,

when the Bible talks about

the wife being a helper to her husband,

that doesn't mean

that the woman is a second-class assistant.

It means she's called to be a first-rate ally

who stands by her husband in unswerving loyalty.

In Proverbs 31,

the excellent wife works hard,

makes money,

feeds and clothes her household,

cares for the poor,

faces the future without fear,

enhances her husband's reputation,

and speaks with wisdom.

She gives herself to her family

and her community

with wholehearted selflessness.

And Proverbs praises such a woman.

For 31.10 says,

she is far more precious than jewels.

In other words,

such a woman isn't always easy to find,

but when you find her,

you should treasure her.

And so Proverbs is saying to men,

if you're single,

this is the kind of woman

that you should want to marry,

a woman who fears the Lord.

And it's saying to women,

this is the kind of,

whether you're single or married,

this is the kind of woman

you should seek to become.

Now,

one caveat,

Proverbs 31 is an idealized picture,

and it's representing the work of a lifetime.

So don't read Proverbs 31

and think that it's a standard

that you should judge yourself against

at the end of every single day,

because you'll certainly feel like

you fall way short, right?

It's a picture of a lifetime.

And it's also a portrait of a life

that embodies wisdom.

So as the conclusion to the book of Proverbs,

Proverbs 31,

it isn't just talking about an ideal wife,

it's also saying this woman is a model for us all.

Not just for wives,

but for all of us,

male and female,

married or not,

because her life and her character

embodies God's wisdom.

So marriage as God intended it

is a very good thing.

It's a good,

mysterious,

and excellent thing,

one of the best things in this world.

Proverbs affirms that.

But the second truth Proverbs affirms about marriage,

not only that it can be

one of the best things in this world,

but it says a bad marriage

can be one of the worst things in this world.

12.4,

a wife who brings shame

is like rottenness in her husband's bones.

Marriage can make your life wonderful

and it can make your life miserable.

And when it's really toxic,

it can eat away at you

from the inside out.

Skipping down to 21.9,

better to live in a corner of the housetop

than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

There are several other warnings

against quarrelsome wives in particular.

In other words,

better to stay single,

better to stay single,

even if you're lonely,

even if you're poor,

than to get married to a fool

and end up miserable.

Because once you're married,

Proverbs says you're married.

And if you marry a quarrelsome spouse,

you have to deal with them.

Having a quarrelsome spouse may be difficult,

but it is not biblical grounds for divorce.

Now, practically,

in Ephesians 5,

the Apostle Paul urges wives

to respect their husbands

and husbands to love their wives.

So I want to start with Proverbs words to wives,

and then we'll get to Proverbs words to husbands.

Now,

before we jump into Proverbs words to wives,

some of you might be asking,

well, why are all the criticisms

of a quarrelsome wife in Proverbs?

Why doesn't Proverbs talk about quarrelsome husbands?

And why is there only a portrait

of an excellent wife

that a wife is supposed to measure herself up against?

Why isn't there a portrait of an excellent husband

that a husband should measure himself up against?

Isn't Proverbs a bit one-sided

and putting all the burden on women?

Well, remember,

Proverbs is written in the form

of a father instructing his son.

That's the form,

or perhaps you could say,

the setting or context of the book.

And so the father is saying to his son,

consider carefully what kind of woman

you want to marry.

So that's why Proverbs only talks about,

only warns against quarrelsome wives,

not quarrelsome husbands.

Now, of course,

there's plenty of words in Proverbs

about quarreling in general,

and all those clearly apply to husbands.

But Proverbs isn't only written

for young men entering adulthood.

As God's word,

it's useful for the instruction

of all God's people.

So many Proverbs,

such as the warning

against the quarrelsome wife,

can be applied in much the same way

to husbands.

Husbands,

don't be quarrelsome.

Right?

And it'll be just as miserable

for your wife

as it would be for you.

Okay?

And now,

for a various obvious example of this

from another part of the Bible,

the 10th commandment says,

don't covet your neighbor's wife.

That doesn't mean

you can covet your neighbor's husband.

Right?

It's very obvious.

It's framed in gender-specific language,

but the appropriate application

is to both men and women.

So that's true for many

of the Proverbs.

Now,

as a contrast to Proverbs,

you might think,

well,

are all the books in the Bible

written primarily to men?

Well,

no.

Song of Songs,

in particular,

another one of the wisdom literature,

is written primarily

from the woman's perspective,

and some of its concluding advice

is in the form,

again,

of advice given to a young woman.

But of course,

Song of Songs,

that advice can be applied to men as well.

Both books have much to say

to both men and women.

So,

having said that,

let's start with Proverbs' words to wives.

Particularly,

these Proverbs that are quoted here,

warns against a wife

who is quarrelsome

and brings shame

upon her husband.

Wives,

consider this.

More than trouble at work,

more than criticism

from outsiders,

more than health problems

or financial stresses

or even children's demands,

persistent disrespect

from a wife

can eat away

at a husband's soul

like rottenness

in his bones.

It can wear him down

from the inside out.

And another one of the verses

says a quarrelsome wife

is like a constant dripping

on a rainy day,

a leaky roof,

drip,

drip,

drip.

And this can happen

perhaps more easily

than you might think.

Wives,

beware of this danger.

Do you despise your husband

in your heart?

Do you try to get him

to listen

by nagging him

or by attacking him

with angry outbursts

or harsh criticism?

Do you publicly shame

your husband

by criticizing him

to others?

Now maybe you think

you have reasons

to despise him.

You see his flaws

more clearly

than anyone else

and he's still blind to them.

You're probably right.

But just as he is called

to love you

despite your flaws,

you are called

to respect him

despite his flaws

as the man God

has given to you.

Now respect

does not mean

overlooking

or excusing

his sin.

It may mean

lovingly,

courageously

confronting him.

It may mean

if he refuses

to listen to you

and refuses to change,

bringing one or two others

into the conversation.

Other mature Christians

who can help

both of you.

Now it's possible

that you might

sometimes need guidance

about how to be

a better wife

despite your husband's flaws.

That is a legitimate

topic of conversation.

But wives,

especially when you

gather with one another,

beware the temptation

to complain

about your husbands

because it's not respectful.

Now husbands,

Proverbs has much

to say to us as well.

Ephesians 5 says,

husbands should love

your wives

as Christ loves

the church

and cherish them.

Look at,

turn to Proverbs 31.

Page 552

if you're looking

in a pew Bible.

Let's look at the end

of the poem

about an excellent wife.

Verses 28 to 31.

It says,

her children rise up

and call her blessed,

her husband also,

and he praises her.

Many women

have done excellently,

but you surpassed

them all.

Charm is deceitful

and beauty is vain,

but a woman

who fears the Lord

is to be praised.

Give her the fruit

of her hands

and let her works

praise her in the gates.

Do you see three times,

really four times,

it talks about

the wife being praised.

Her children bless her.

Her husband praises her.

A woman who fears

the Lord

is to be praised.

Let her works

praise her.

Husbands,

if you have a wife

who fears the Lord,

if you have a wife

who displays wisdom

in any way,

she ought to be praised.

That means verbally

affirmed,

privately and publicly,

appreciated,

thanked,

cherished.

Don't just read

Proverbs 31

and tell her

where you see

that she falls short.

Start by telling her

specifically how you,

she does reflect

this portrait

of godly wisdom.

Thank her tonight

when you sit down

to dinner.

Tell her how she excels

in front of your kids.

Do so privately

in your bedroom.

Do so regularly

and sincerely.

Ray Ortlund says,

says this,

he says,

when the word husband

is used as a verb,

it means to cultivate.

And he says,

that's the job

of those who are husbands,

those of us who are husbands,

to cultivate and nurture

our wives

so that they become

all of who God

wants them to be

and to praise them

for it.

He says,

a husband cultivates

his wife by setting

a high tone of praise

in the home.

No put-downs,

no fault-finding,

no insults,

not even neutral silence,

but rather life-giving praise.

And he says,

and if you cannot think

of any way

in which your wife

deserves to be praised,

then that is your fault.

Because God has called you

to husband her,

to cultivate her

into excellence.

Now, to be honest,

many of us guys,

including myself,

don't do this very well.

My wife knows it,

and she's gracious,

so she doesn't tell you about it.

But I fall short

in this way very often.

And many of us

become passive

and self-protective

instead of nurturing

our wives

into all that God

has for them.

We remain silent

and take our wives

for granted

instead of praising them

privately and publicly.

And Proverbs calls us

to be more than just

a husband who provides

and protects and leads,

but a husband who cherishes

and praises his wife

because she is God's

good gift to him.

You see,

Proverbs is simply calling us

to do what the rest

of the Bible says,

to love and respect

one another

in the context of marriage.

And to do that

because of who Christ is

and because of the Holy Spirit

working in us.

Now, some of you

might be asking,

what does it say to me

if I'm single?

Well, Proverbs says

at least two things.

Number one,

it says that marriage is good,

but it's better to stay single

than to marry a fool.

So, don't let desperation

or infatuation

make you blind

to someone's true character.

Chapter 11, verse 22 says,

like a gold ring

in a pig's snout

is a beautiful woman

without discretion,

that is,

without good judgment.

Chapter 30, verse 30 says,

charm is deceitful

and beauty is vain.

So, if you're dating,

guard,

if you're dating,

don't fall into

desperation or infatuation, right?

That's why it's important

to guard against

excessive physical

or emotional intimacy

in a dating relationship

because it can blind you

to someone's flaws.

And one of the questions

you need to be asking yourself

if you're considering marriage

is can I live with this person

flaws and all?

And don't assume

that when you get married

their flaws

are going to magically change.

If anything,

you might only see more of them

because they feel secure

in the promise of marriage

and rightly so.

Proverbs warns,

don't stare at the gold ring

and miss the fact

that it's hanging

in a pig's nose.

I mean, Proverbs

is a little blunt here.

But it's warning us,

don't be infatuated.

Don't let infatuation

lead you into a foolish decision.

So, if you're dating,

don't spend all your time

one-on-one

just looking into

each other's eyes.

You're not going to spend

the rest of your life

doing that.

Get to know each other

in the context of your family,

in the context of your friendships,

in the context of your church.

Seek and receive counsel

from people you know

and trust.

This is especially important

if you're doing

any kind of online dating,

right?

Because you're…

And online dating,

many people have found

good marriage partners

through that.

But the challenge there is

you're starting with two people

who usually don't share

much of a common context

and so you need to see

not just each other

as sort of divorced

from the rest of your life,

but you need to get to know

the context in which

you already live

where people can see

who you really are.

And to be open

to receiving counsel

and build some common relationships

relationships or at least

be able so you can have

other people speak

into your lives

and give encouragement

and sometimes warning.

So Proverbs is saying

in some situations

it's better to stay single

than to get married.

Now, the New Testament

goes even further

about singleness

because some of you

may be single

and either you want

to get married

but you cannot find

an appropriate partner

or you, for various reasons,

are not pursuing marriage.

And Proverbs says

it's better to be single

than to be in a bad…

than to choose

than to choose

to enter a marriage unwisely.

But the New Testament

says even more than that.

It has a positive vision

and a positive vocation

for singleness

within the kingdom of God.

And that's another topic

for another day.

But 1 Corinthians 7

we see a positive vision

for singleness

in the kingdom of God

that goes even further

than Proverbs.

As it's a witness

to the sufficiency of Christ

proclaiming that

our ultimate hope

is not in the joys

of this present age

but in the resurrection life

of the world to come.

So singles,

that's an important calling.

So, number one,

marriage is good

but better to say

single than marry a full.

Second,

if you're seeking marriage

don't ignore people

who lack charm or beauty

but do have some wisdom.

Alright, Proverbs is saying

beware against marrying

someone whose character

does not reflect wisdom

but don't rule people out

because it says

charm is deceitful,

beauty is vain.

Okay, now husbands

don't misuse that verse.

Don't dismiss your wife's beauty

or fail to affirm it

because of that verse.

That's not what it's saying.

Okay, beauty in the context

of a wise life

is a wonderful gift

from the Lord.

But Proverbs is saying

charm and beauty,

in other words,

personality

and looks

and Proverbs would also say

wealth

are not the most enduring things

and they're not the most

important things.

Alright,

many single people today

walk into a room

with 20 people

of the opposite sex

who are not married

and immediately rule 17

of them out

because she's not attractive

or he's too awkward.

Or if you go on dating sites,

you decide who to pursue

conversations with

based on a profile picture.

Proverbs says

don't do that.

Right?

If you want to pursue marriage

to a wise person,

don't let your initial filter

be charm and beauty.

If you can cultivate

a friendship with someone,

if you have a mutual

commitment to Christ,

if you can help one another

grow in Christ,

then the physical attraction

may well grow over time.

But you won't ever know that

if you just rule them out

from the start.

So,

Proverbs teaches us

that wisdom is to be

embodied in marriage.

That's the first thing

Proverbs teaches.

Second,

we see that wisdom

is to be transmitted

to children.

Now,

I've spent quite a bit of time

talking about marriage,

so I'm going to go through

the parenting stuff

a bit more briefly.

But I want you to know

the elders think

this is a very important topic

and we're planning,

we're working on

putting together

a seminar on parenting

for either this fall

or next spring.

We don't have the dates yet,

but we're working on it,

so parents,

we will have more for you.

But what we see in Proverbs

is we see three ways

that wisdom can and should be

passed on

from parents

to children.

The first way

is by example.

14.26,

in the fear of the Lord,

one has strong confidence

and his children

will have a refuge.

27.

27.

The righteous

who walks in his integrity,

blessed are his children

after him.

23.26,

my son,

give me your heart

and let your eyes

observe my ways.

Other translations say,

let your eyes

delight in my ways.

You see,

perhaps more than

any other way,

children learn by example,

they learn by watching,

they learn by imitating.

And so,

whatever kind of instruction

you give

or whatever kind of discipline

you implement,

it's never going to go

much farther

than the example

that you set.

Because you can't give

what you don't have

and children watch

at least as much

as they listen.

So,

parents,

as we instruct

and discipline our children,

let's keep on

being instructed

by the Word of God

ourselves.

And let's keep on

being disciplined

and accepting

God's fatherly discipline

in our own lives.

Right?

We need to lead

our children

by setting an example

for them

of being instructed

and disciplined

as we seek

to instruct

and discipline them.

Proverbs also warns

that folly,

in particular greed

or malice,

will lead to trouble

not just for oneself

but for one's household.

That's 1527

and 1713.

The Old Testament

talks not just about

God's faithfulness

enduring from one generation

to another

but it also talks

realistically

about sin

being passed down

from one generation

to another.

And again,

parents,

that's another reason

for us to keep

fighting against sin

in our own lives.

And putting,

the New Testament

says,

put sin to death,

mortify it

and live by the power

of the Holy Spirit.

And one reason for that

is because

if we don't put it

to death

in our own lives,

guess what?

It's probably

going to reappear

in our children's lives.

It's probably

going to be passed down.

That's sort of

the normal course

of things.

And so Proverbs

urges us

to set,

first,

to set an example.

The second way

that wisdom

gets passed down

to children

is through instruction

in Proverbs.

So one,

chapter one,

verse eight,

hear my son

your father's instruction

and forsake not

your mother's teaching.

So in Proverbs

we hear warnings

against folly

and its consequences.

We hear encouragement

to walk in the way

of wisdom

and we hear about

wisdom's benefits.

There's ongoing

intentional instruction

from parent

to child.

Now if you are a parent,

you can't simply

delegate this responsibility

to somebody else.

Now yes,

we have children's ministry

every Sunday

and so the kids

can be in their class

for about one hour a week.

But you know what?

One hour a week

is a helpful supplement

but that's never

going to be

the main course

of spiritual formation

for your child's future.

If spiritual instruction

is absent

from the rest

of their lives,

that one hour a week

will probably not

make the decisive difference.

Maybe by God's grace

on unusual occasions

you know,

God does unusual things.

But that's not

what you can expect.

Right?

The Bible calls on parents

to instruct our children.

Now you might say,

how do I do that?

How do I instruct

my child spiritually?

Where do I begin?

Maybe that wasn't

a part of your childhood

at all growing up.

Maybe your children

are already

halfway grown up

and you're starting

off a little late.

Well you know what?

That's a great question

to talk about

after service

in the fellowship hall

or up here

with another parent.

Ask them.

Somebody,

actually Jonathan Tidwell

asked me yesterday.

He said,

what do you guys do

for family devotions?

That's a great question

to ask.

You know,

or more broadly,

how do you try

to instruct your kids

spiritually?

It's going to look

different in each home,

but we can share

some helpful ideas

with each other.

What do you do at home

to instruct your kids

in God's Word?

Let's talk about that

with each other.

22.6 also talks

about instruction.

It says,

train up a child

in the way he should go.

And that Hebrew verb

translated train up

is a word that means

to dedicate

or to initiate

or to set someone

on a path.

It's actually related

to an Arabic verb

that was used

to describe the practice

of rubbing a newborn's child,

rubbing the tongue

of a newborn child

with either oil

or a mixture of dates

sort of mashed up dates

to get them to suck,

to get them to start.

It means to accustom

a child to a taste

and motivate the child

to take it in.

That's this idea

of training up.

And the verb

is also used

of training a horse

to be responsive

by putting a rope

in its mouth.

So the goal of training,

biblical training,

is for your children

to taste and see

that the Lord is good.

It's not just

to give them

the right answers,

but it's to introduce

our children

to the Word of God

so they begin

to sense its beauty

and its sweetness.

You want to help

your children see

what a daily relationship

with God looks like.

Deuteronomy 6 says,

you shall teach

God's commandments

to your children.

Talk of them

when you sit in your house,

when you walk by the way,

when you lie down,

and when you rise.

In other words,

talk about them

not just formally,

but informally

as the day goes along

and at different times

of the day.

So here's a very

practical suggestion

that another parent

gave me recently

that we've done

a couple of times.

So this other parent

said to me,

we have a five-year-old

child at home

and we asked

three questions

over dinner.

The first question is,

what are three things

you're thankful for today?

All right,

cultivating thankfulness,

you can never do

that enough.

Second, they asked,

what was a low point

of the day?

Either sometime

when you didn't

do something right

or you were disappointed

by something else,

right?

It's good to be able

to give voice

to our disappointments.

The third question

they ask is,

what was Jesus

teaching you today?

And that's an important

question because it

introduces the idea

to kids that God

might be teaching me

something today.

He might be teaching

me something

through my parents.

He might be teaching

me something

through my interactions.

He might be teaching

me something

through His Word.

That's what a personal

relationship with Christ

means,

is the Holy Spirit

dwells in us

and He's bringing

to mind things.

He's teaching

and shaping us

throughout the day.

So three questions,

three things you're

thankful for,

what was a low point

and what's Jesus

teaching you today?

So that's a very

practical way

to sort of

begin spiritual

conversations

with your children.

Consider that.

You know,

again,

there's many ideas.

You don't have to do

all the ideas.

Some of them

might not work for you

but again,

we got to talk

with each other

about ideas.

Alright,

so wisdom

is transmitted

by example,

by instruction

and third,

this is the

controversial part,

so I put it last.

Wisdom is transmitted

by corrective discipline.

Let's read these verses.

1324,

whoever spares the rod

hates his son

but he who loves him

is diligent

to discipline him.

2215,

folly is bound up

in the heart of a child

but the rod of discipline

drives it far from him.

Chapter 2915,

the rod and reproof

bring wisdom

but a child left to himself

brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs is very clear

that mere example

and instruction

are not enough.

Human beings

are born in sin.

That's why Proverbs says

folly is bound up

in the heart of a child

and therefore

the path of wisdom

necessarily includes

correction

and correction

never feels pleasant.

Hebrews 12 says

no discipline

seems pleasant

at the time

but painful.

Afterwards,

it produces

a harvest

of peace

and righteousness

for those

who have been

trained

by it.

Now practically,

what does it look like

to administer

corrective discipline

in a way that promotes

peace

and righteousness?

Now,

on the one,

I can't say everything

on this topic

but let me say

a couple things.

On the one hand,

I don't think

we should say

that when Proverbs

talks about the rod,

that's talking

exclusively about

corporal punishment

administered with

a stick

and that every time

our children behave

foolishly,

they need to be punished

in this way

and in no other way.

The rod in Proverbs

seems to be a figure

for corrective discipline

more generally,

a bit like the holy kiss

in Paul's letters

is a figure

for Christian greeting,

a different expression

of Christian greeting

more generally.

Corrective discipline

can take a variety

of forms.

The appropriate form

may vary from one child

to another

and one situation

to another.

On the other hand,

if we take Proverbs

words seriously,

it is very hard

to conclude

that Christian parents

should never

or as a general rule

not spank their children.

Why would Proverbs

use the metaphor

of the rod

to refer to

necessary corrective discipline

if any kind

of corporal punishment

was inherently harmful?

So let me ask

if you would never

consider spanking

your child,

why?

And do you end up

just yelling at them

instead?

Or do you indulge them

by coaxing them

to obey,

asking them five

and six times

to do the same thing

and bribing them

with rewards?

Children need to know

that they are

under authority

and that disobedience

hurts.

Now many of us

are hesitant to spank

because we've never

seen it carried out

in a way that actually

seems to promote

peace and righteousness,

what the Bible says.

Maybe you've only seen

or experienced it

administered impulsively

or excessively

or inconsistently.

An impulsive

or excessive

or inconsistent

discipline

is a problem.

So if you as a parent

are in a fit of rage,

get your anger

under control first

and then figure out

how to discipline

your child appropriately.

Maybe you need to give

the child a time out

so that you can cool off

and so that you can figure

out what's actually

appropriate and helpful

to your child.

Now whatever form

it takes,

time out,

removing privileges,

spanking,

whatever,

corrective discipline

is hard

and it's painful

and often inconvenient

for both parents

and children

in the short term.

And it doesn't always

produce immediate results.

You can't judge

corrective discipline

by do the children

behave better tomorrow.

But Proverbs says

it's a necessary component

of wisdom being transmitted.

We need to be consistent

in the way

that we follow through

with our words,

with our instructions

to our kids.

And we need to pray,

right?

We need to pray

because we all fall short

in this area

in different ways.

So Proverbs says

wisdom is to be transmitted

to children by example,

by instruction,

and by discipline.

But let me conclude

by acknowledging

that even the best parenting

does not guarantee

good results.

And Proverbs acknowledges

this fact implicitly.

I've put two verses

about one,

about the father

of the righteous

will rejoice

and the next one

about a foolish son

is a grief

to his father and mother.

Proverbs acknowledges

that being a spouse

or being a parent,

it means being deeply

emotionally involved

and personally invested

in the lives of others

whom you cannot

ultimately control.

And so marriage

and parenting

can be a source

of immense joy

and they can also

be a source

of deep pain.

And probably everybody

has some mixture

of those.

Now we've covered

a lot of ground

this morning.

sermon's gone

a lot of different directions

but I want to bring it

together with this.

God knows intimately

both the joy

and pain

of marriage

and parenting.

Consider this.

According to the scripture,

God knows the pain

of a bad marriage.

He knows what it's like

to be taken for granted.

He knows what it's like

to be given

the silent treatment.

Ignored,

not praised,

only criticized

and questioned.

God knows the pain

of being disrespected,

publicly shamed,

blamed for things

that are not His fault.

God endures all that

every single day.

But God persists

in loving His bride,

the church.

Jesus shed His blood

for us on the cross

so that we might be His

and so that He might

be ours forever.

He's patient

with our faults

and failures.

He speaks liberating truth

into our minds

which are full of lies

and noise.

He mercifully

cleans up our messes

and doesn't shame us

for them.

And the Bible says

He sings and rejoices

over us.

Beginning of the service

we read that verse.

The Lord delights

in those who fear Him,

who's placed their hope

in His unfailing love.

He delights in us.

Even today,

even in our imperfect expressions

of seeking and reaching

out to Him,

even when we're

in the midst of sin

and our lives are messy

and we aren't living up

to His standards

in every way,

when we're looking to Him

and reaching out to Him

and placing our hope

in His love,

He delights in us.

And one day,

His delight in us

will be fulfilled

at the marriage supper

of the Lamb

when we will be with Him

and we will be like Him.

God knows the pain

of a hard marriage,

but He persists

for the joy

of having us

as His own.

And God also knows

the pain of being

a brokenhearted parent.

in Jesus' parable,

the prodigal son,

God's portrayed

as the father

of two foolish sons.

One son demands his money,

insults his father,

abandons his responsibility

to the family

and leaves home.

The other son

stays at home

and appears responsible

on the outside,

but on the inside,

he's distant

and he resents his father

and he's calculating.

But the father persists

in loving both

of his children.

When the first son

is still far off,

the father sees him

and runs to him

and rejoices

to welcome him home.

When the second son

is resentful and angry

and refuses to come

in the house

and shames his father

by refusing to come

into the father's party,

the father leaves the party

to go out

and plead with him.

God knows intimately

the pain of parenting.

Rebellious children

and children who appear

very good on the outside

and on the inside

are resentful and calculating.

But yet he loves us

as a father loves his children,

as a mother holds her children

close to her

and fiercely fights for them

and never abandons them.

You know,

I don't know

whether or not

you're married,

whether or not

you're a parent.

Do you know this God?

Do you know him

as your father in heaven?

Do you know him

as your covenant partner,

your best friend,

your lover?

He will never leave you

or forsake you.

And you can know him

if you will turn

to Jesus Christ today

and put your faith in him.

Let's pray.

our father,

we praise you

because great is your faithfulness.

We praise you

that as you instruct us

in the ways of marriage

and parenting,

that you have not done so

without setting an example

for us.

That you have not done so

without being

the parent that we need

and the spouse

that we long for.

We pray, Lord,

that we would find

our refuge,

our security,

our hope,

our joy

in you,

in your steadfast love,

in your compassion,

in your mercy.

Lord, build us

by your word.

Fill us with your spirit.

May our homes

be full of your spirit

and be shaped

by your word.

Forgive us, Lord,

for we have fallen short.

Lord,

we have ignored

your instructions.

We have persisted

in our own ways.

We have justified

our sin

against our spouses,

against our children,

against our parents.

Lord, renew us.

Fill us in a fresh way

with your Holy Spirit

so that we may

turn towards

our spouses,

turn towards

our children,

turn towards

our parents

with the love

that you pour

into our hearts

through your Holy Spirit.

Lord, renew us.

Continue to

transform us

and change us

day by day

into your likeness

more and more,

we pray.

We pray this

in the name of Jesus Christ,

our Lord and Savior.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.