Christian Vocation: Julie Powell, stay-at-home parent & homeschooler

And I think that the fall falls very heavily on the thing,

the curses that God gave, you know, that were incurred to Adam and Eve

very specifically affect the relationships in the family.

What was it that Eve was told?

I don't know.

This is the audience interaction part.

Tyler, what was the curse that fell upon you?

That she would want to rule over her husband.

That her desire would be for her husband, and he would rule over her.

And what else?

Oh, yeah.

The pain and childbearing.

You do wonder what it would have been like before the fall.

But I can tell you from a pretty solid sample size,

it doesn't get any easier.

Do you just wonder?

I'm sure it's not supposed to be this way.

And it's not.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

And it is hard.

And for those of you who don't know me,

I'm going to explain a little bit more when you have a picture of them.

But I have eight children and a husband.

And I do want to say that I know what a privilege it is to do what I do.

It's not something that works for every family.

Please stop talking.

I've been very blessed that my husband's been able to have a job, to hold a job,

to provide for a lot of people.

That does not happen for everyone.

And so what I've been able to do is by no means the way to do it.

You've probably heard of the mommy wars.

And I think this is the idea that, oh, the way that I do it is better than somehow,

you know, even more godly than the way that she does it.

It's so easy to compare.

This is another part of the fall.

So easy to compare.

And to feel less than.

There's also, I think, in our culture, this idea that some people are just super mom.

They've got it all together.

They're well-groomed.

Their children look wonderful.

They've been able to train them well.

Their homes are gorgeous.

Or even just keeping it all together, which would be a super human feat.

But there aren't any super moms.

And I am certainly nowhere near being able to do it all.

As I said, the fall does fall.

The curses fall heavily on the family.

So I think that as a mother in a family, there's the practical aspect.

Just doing the laundry, doing the dishes.

How do I plan what we're going to eat?

But so much of it is relational.

And I'm a sinner.

And all my kids are sinners.

Little bundles of original sin.

And so it goes from this lovely, beatific vision.

Darling, delightful, smiling children.

Which I think people think is probably what a lot of my life is like.

Because when I look at other women, I think, oh, their children are just lovely.

And it can go to this in about five seconds.

Which was the difference in time between when I took that photograph.

And when I took that photograph.

Editing helps.

But I see it in myself.

This is how I am.

This is even how I interact with God.

One moment, I think I'm doing pretty well.

And the next moment, I realize the hardness.

And the ungratefulness of my heart.

Discontent.

So this is really...

You like that, Melissa?

And you laugh.

And this is how it often feels.

You are trying, under somewhat trying circumstances,

to really make it all work for all the people.

But the fact is, of course we can't.

But this really quite disgusting picture does remind us.

It still reminds me of scripture.

What verse does that bring to mind for you?

Into the shadow of his way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, the book also speaks about each bit of creative and ordering work that we do

is a reflection and outpouring of God's character.

Who he is.

His creative essence.

Him as creator.

All right.

We'll get rid of that.

So, here's my dog.

And look, don't we all look great?

It's all cleaned up.

And I have to give photo credit to Sarah Cameron because I did set it up,

but she clicked the shutter.

So, here is what we do tend to do.

A nice sanitized version for a Christmas card where everybody is clothed and in their right minds.

And standing in front of a truck, James needs me to say this,

that he paid for by fishing salmon in Alaska.

Yeah.

So, here they are.

What I've been doing for the last 24 years.

I found an old diary from when I was first pregnant with James.

And I did know I was pregnant, but I wrote,

if this is morning sickness or pregnancy sickness, I'm going to die.

I was desperately sick from seven weeks to at least 17 weeks.

I had every baby, some more.

There you go.

In pain, you'll bear children.

It is not pleasant.

James, by the time I was pregnant with the next one and then the next one,

would come into the bathroom and pretend to gag with me.

I'm very well practiced in trying to control the nausea.

My youngest is right there.

He's five.

James just turned 23 last week.

And, yeah.

That's what I've been doing.

And it is good to look and see, wait, God has done this.

I've been able to be part of this.

We are actually in this picture clothed and in our right minds.

Because sometimes when you get in the weeds of it, it doesn't feel like that.

And it's easy for the enemy to just keep saying, it's not working.

They're all going to turn out horribly.

You have screwed them up so badly.

So it's nice to have a little reminder that God is at work.

He does create order.

And sometimes we can really enjoy that.

So I told you I have eight children.

But in that picture, there are seven.

One of the, I think everyone's vocation, whatever it is that they do and what they're called to,

is part of God's shaping, teaching, training us.

What we do, the way we spend our time reveals our idols.

And what we want reveals our idols.

When James was born, I was going to be the perfect mother.

I was starting from fresh.

This was going to be the kid who had every possible educational opportunity,

every emotional support and psychological adjustment.

And we were just going to knock this out of the park.

This was going to be perfect.

Of course I can say that.

You just know what an idiotic thing that is to say.

But I knew everything that went into that kid, body, mind, and soul,

and everything that came out.

And I was really controlling.

And I think it was important.

I know there's another slide we'll get to in a minute.

And for God to reveal that I don't get to control at all.

And so James was, I had James, he was four, and Grace was two.

And I had a son.

The day after James turned four, Benjamin was born.

And we had just moved to Connecticut a year before.

And we had a lovely, lovely fall with him.

He was born in September, 19 years ago.

And we traveled to California.

We went to a wedding.

My family all got to meet him.

And we got to have Christmas together.

And then in January of 2000, I went to pick him up from his crib.

And he was dead.

And so you don't get to control.

Sometimes we do say, you know, all I have to do is keep him alive through the day.

We cannot keep our children alive.

Only God gives us each breath.

And certainly it's God who gives our children breath.

He made them.

There were so many beautiful graces and lovely touches of the Lord through that time.

But it struck to my identity because that's where I believed I was going to be this mother who could make it all happen.

And I couldn't.

Thankfully, God has been very gracious over these 19 years.

And many of you have been instruments of God in helping me to process what it is that God is doing through Benjamin's last.

Also through all of the other amazingnesses of life.

And I do think that if Benjamin had lived, we might have been very content with our little family with three kids.

And it felt like it was all kind of perfect and done.

And I am thankful for the five children that we had after that.

Maybe a little excessive.

But God is a God of abundance.

So I am very thankful for that shaping.

But believe me, it was ugly.

I have a calendar on my bathroom counter.

A yearly calendar that I've used since I was married.

And it has a reference to this lonely twisted path of anguish.

And I think that many of you know that path.

And I'm really thankful for the community that God provides to be able to walk through some of these things.

I think another idol that God was revealing was my identity and my kids' achievements.

This is a somewhat generic picture.

One of my kids is in it.

Yeah, I think that this is endemic.

Once we...

Once...

I was out of the academic push.

I got my degree.

I was...

I...

I had done my thing.

Now I was pouring it all into my kids.

And the way that they turned out, I felt, reflected on me.

We are called, obviously, to do everything that we can to provide and support and teach and train our children.

However, we don't get to control it.

And I can remember one time, it was a small thing.

I dropped one kid off and that kid hadn't turned in a piece of homework.

Or I had forgotten to talk to a coach.

I don't even remember what the issue was.

But I remember my intense distress at this failure of my child.

And it was a small thing.

I was literally, after I dropped the kid off, screaming in pain in the car.

I probably needed psychological help.

But to realize that I was taking all of this on.

And it's been helpful, another gift of God, to show it's not about me.

I don't get to control it.

I don't get to choose all of the things.

I do want my kids to do well.

I want to teach them to be excellent in what they choose and what God has made them to do.

But it's not a personal reflection on me.

And if I could take my, and I'm so not good at this.

This is a daily, minute-by-minute, actually, struggle.

I do take it personally.

I take it really personally.

And that's the way that you can pray.

I think probably for all mothers that we realize, wait, this is between me and God.

This is between God and my kids.

This is not a reflection of who I am.

So I think that this is another part of what mothering brings me to.

Every hour, every minute, actually every second, I need God to do it.

So handing a lot of that control over, as I said, this is not a done deal at all.

This is a minute-by-minute really struggling and often failing.

And often there are hours that go by where I forget to ask for that help.

And I keep taking it all back.

And it never goes well.

I lost the slide somewhere.

As I said, I homeschool.

I was homeschooled for a short period of time.

I probably would have been a happier person if I could have been homeschooled all the way through.

But I was a really self-motivated learner.

And, yeah, not all of my kids are.

Again, I take it personally.

But I just really, really like this quote.

So I'll put it up there and you can take a look at that.

True education is a form of repentance.

It is a humble admission that we've not read all that we need to read.

We don't know all that we need to know.

And we've not yet become all that we're called to become.

Education is that unique form of discipline that brings us to the place of admitting our inadequacies.

It is that remarkable rebuke of autonomy and independence.

So powerful and so evident that we actually shut up and pay heed for a change.

So what questions do you have so far before I move further into the schooling part?

What do your personal devotions look like?

What do personal devotions look like?

Well, it changes.

I would love to say that I spend three hours in prayer before the kids get up every morning.

But that's not realistic for me.

I've learned a lot from other mothers.

I have no idea if this is still on.

Sorry.

I've learned so much.

I have to wake up.

I taught the kids a poem.

Good morning, Jesus.

Now it's yours.

Good morning, dear Jesus.

This day is for you.

Good morning, dear Jesus.

This day is for you.

I pray that you bless all I think, say, and do.

Right?

Sometimes I wake up to pray the Lord's Prayer.

And I'm aware of making that a habit.

I have several email chains that come through.

Josh Moody publishes one every day.

If you don't get that, it's well done.

I follow several from mothers who blog and share.

And that's been really helpful.

I don't like to read the Bible on my phone.

I like to read the Bible on a page.

But that doesn't always happen.

And sometimes, you know, the next thing happens and you've got to get up and the toilet's overflowing or the dog threw up.

And so it's helpful to have those scriptures around the house.

As I said, I'm on a bathroom counter popping up in my email.

Sometimes I am able to spend an hour or half an hour even if that's all it can be.

But a lot of times that looks like planning out my day.

God, what is it that I need to do today?

How does the scripture tie in?

I love the reading through Colossians every week idea.

So it's something different most days.

But being in the word has to be the start of the day.

Because if you start off without that, you're starting off behind.

I think all of us know that.

But making a good habit of it has really been important for me.

And it is a habit that I learned as a teenager through mostly positive peer pressure.

But in our youth group, you could be called upon at any time to share your quiet time thought.

So be ready.

So there was this, you know, if you didn't have one, you could always recycle one from the previous week.

But have a quiet time thought.

What is it that God needs to say to me today?

I really appreciated this book.

I thought it was so helpful.

Especially since what I do is so relational.

There's not a split of, oh, I do this non-Christian work.

And then I do my devotions.

It's all a big swirling maelstrom of trying to work with what God is doing in my family.

So I thought this was great.

And it's towards the end of the book.

But it was so helpful to me.

And I'll explain a bit.

The integration of faith and work is the opposite of dualism.

Dualism is the idea that there is the secular realm and the spiritual realm.

And we do this work.

And then we meet with God.

Our thick, this is an old version, sorry.

Our thick view of sin will remind us that even explicitly Christian work and culture will always have some idolatrous discourse within it.

Our thick view of common grace will remind us that even explicitly non-Christian work and culture will always have some witness to God's truth in it.

Right before this, he was talking about threads of Christianity where we seek to cut ourselves off or remove ourselves, separate ourselves from the secular, from what is non-Christian.

It could look like a million things.

It could be being Amish.

That kind of extent where I'm going to remove myself from technology.

I'm only going to watch Christian films or I'm only going to read Christian books.

I'm only going to go to places where, or let my kids go to places that are explicitly Christian.

We're still there and we're still sinners.

The sin in our own hearts is so pervasive that even if we try to sanitize our environment as much as possible,

idols will still be built up in our own hearts.

And, you know, you think, oh, we have this nice little microcosm of God's creation in our family out in the woods with our animals.

And I get to choose all organic food.

No, I don't.

At all.

And yet, as I said, we're all sinners.

Our children are born in sin.

And as you all know, families are the best at ripping each other apart and tearing each other down.

And our goal is to build each other up.

So I can control my kids' environment as much as I like.

And it's useless because there's always this idolatrous discourse.

And in my own heart, too, as I said, the control and the pride.

So I think view of common grace will remind us that even non-Christian work has some witness to God's truth.

God in his amazing goodness to us, even though everything is corrupted,

has left so many sparkling shards, pieces of his image and his creative intent in our beautiful world

that we're never away from him.

There's nowhere that we can go that's away from him.

So I think that this was a wonderful way to express what I'm really trying to do in educating my kids.

We will adopt a stance of critical enjoyment of human culture.

We will learn to recognize the half-truths and resist the idols.

I think I need to write this on my mirror and say,

this is what I'm trying to do.

Lord, show me where I'm building up a culture that is idolatrous,

that is relying on self rather than on you,

that is allowing something else to be in the place of trusting.

And this is what I would love to see for my kids.

So sometimes you do get to see as a mother the results, as I said.

It does look good.

And it's good to see, wait, this is where God has worked.

The book talks about the fact that since God has created us,

and God has created us for work,

to be partners with him in his work of creation,

and furthering the good of this world,

building each other up.

Every form of work is a reflection,

whether it's with your hands or with your mind.

Obviously, the culture that we have in the U.S.

is very heavily skewed to this idea that

there's professional work,

and then there's manual work, menial work.

And this is not scriptural at all.

The gospel gives us tremendous freedom

to choose we're not earning our salvation,

we're not earning brownie points.

The way that God made us is the way that

he wants us to work in the world and glorify him.

So it has been fun to see my own preconceptions

being broken down by God.

You know, I did have an idea that my kids would go to college

and be brilliant and follow some profession,

and yet I was really aware when James was born

that he should not be sitting behind a desk.

It's just not the way that he's made.

I will admit that I was one who pushed for him

to go into engineering in college

because I felt like it felt safe.

So what am I relying on?

Yeah, that didn't go so well.

And after a semester and a half,

thankfully he was able to switch into something

that he really loved,

which was fisheries management.

Did you know you could get a degree in fishing?

And as I said, he did actually go and fish.

And it is fun to see him

following what he wants to do.

Right now he sells boats,

and he's good at it.

I could not sell anything.

I cannot, I'm just not good at selling.

And my older two kids are good at selling things

that they love.

They're not me.

I'm not them.

And that is,

I really want to learn the freedom of that

and to be able to do what God has made me to do

without considering all this other stuff.

When I was first,

first had James and Grace,

I struggled horribly with postpartum depression,

which I was going to be praying to anyway

since I've dealt with depression all my life.

But it was really heavy on my heart

that I wanted to be able,

at some point, later stage,

to contribute to other mothers

and support them.

So God has very graciously given me a part

in a ministry that supports

mothers of all ages.

The one where I work is in Madison.

There are women from more than 20 churches.

But there's about 100 women

who come every Thursday.

And half of them don't go to church at all.

So this is an outreach.

And women are just flocking

to find this community,

to find a place where they are not judged

for the way that they're doing

whatever it is that they're doing,

but that they're accepted and supported.

And it's my desire,

the desire of those who work there

to, that God's word be

beginning to work in their hearts,

those who don't know him.

But I just, I smile

because it's such a wonderful gift of God

that he's brought me through

his 20-some years

of changing diapers

and being pregnant

and nursing.

And, you know,

it's just grueling.

I think I figured

I probably changed 25,000 diapers.

So glamorous.

This is the first year

since 1995

that I do not daily change diapers.

And yet,

to be able to speak

into women's lives

is a really sweet gift.

This is about wisdom.

I know we need to wrap up.

Knowing God.

This is a tough one for me

because I grew up

truly believing

deep down in my heart

that God doesn't hear me.

Not because of

what I was told explicitly,

but because of

what I was learning

implicitly.

So this is the constant

way that God's working.

I love you.

I care.

I want to hear you.

And I believe that

that will help me

to be less controlled

by anxiety and pride.

Knowing ourselves,

knowing our children

is really important.

Wait,

what is this kid?

As I said,

what is this kid's

gifting desire?

If I'm working against that,

I'm not working

the way that

God has made them.

I'm not being a

co-laborer

with the Lord.

I want to know

what is it

that I need to know

about myself?

How am I?

I am not,

as I said,

a detailed person.

So you're getting

a slightly

roundabout

over the view

here.

Yeah,

so I do want

to be

not this foolish

heart that doesn't

learn from what

God's taught me

through what I've

been doing.

I don't want

to be this proud

heart that blames

others for the way

things are.

And I really want

for my kids

to learn those

things too.

Yeah,

I really always

wanted to do this

and I'm so,

so thankful

that God

has provided

it for me.

But when I'm

running on two

or three hours

of sleep

and I have

to show up,

you know,

I have to get

someone somewhere

and the dog

threw up

and the toilet

overflowed

and,

you know,

it's not,

it's really

not that glamorous.

It's just not.

It doesn't mean

I chose the wrong

path.

I think anyone's

going to be

frustrated in their

work at times.

So,

to remember

that

whatever you're

doing,

God is shaping

you.

I taught

from a book

on parenting

by Paul David

Tripp

and one of his

things was

God is parenting

you as you

parent your

children.

The way that

he's working

in their lives

is working

to shape

your life.

And I think

that it's just

tremendously freeing,

especially as a

mother.

Our work will

always fall short

and that's

just how it is

in this world.

But we have

the promise

that it'll be

fulfilled

when he makes

the new heavens

and the new

earth.

Come Lord

Jesus.

The Colossians

passages have

been tremendously

helpful to me.

These are verses

that I prayed for

my kids and my

husband and

myself.

some of these

look like they're

doing things

but I really

appreciate this

part, being

strengthened with

all power so

that you may

have full

endurance and

patience.

You know,

we've just got

to do the

next thing.

Whatever is

set before you,

that's the

next thing.

You know,

we might like

it to be more

of an epiphany

than that.

But if it is

that, wait,

I'm working on

this top but

yeah, the

toilet is

overflowing.

That really did

happen on Friday

while I was

doing it.

And CSOS

said children

are not the

interruption to

your work.

They are the

work.

You know, how

do I receive

that graciously?

I don't,

often.

But I think

it's where I

want to be

going.

This is a

wonderful expression

of what I've

really want.

What I really

want as a

mother is for

my kids to

know the

Lord.

But that is

not something

that I can

manufacture.

So I loved

this.

We are not

the Holy

Spirit.

We cannot

prick the

hearts of

our children

and cultivate

a repentant

spirit in

them.

We cannot

draw out

rebellion or

replace it

with surrender

or obedience

or humility.

We cannot

soften a

heart or

create a

dependence on

Jesus or

manipulate the

soul into

loving God.

We cannot

mass produce

conviction.

The only

thing we can

do is love

our kids,

point them

to Jesus,

and create

space for the

Holy Spirit

to do his

work.

Jesus is

after our

mama hearts

as much as

he's after

the hearts

of our

kids.

And I

can't do

that.

I'm here

to tell

you that

Jesus is

forever asking

our hearts

one thing.

Do you

trust me

with your

children?

I think

he's actually

just asking,

do you

trust me?

And do

you trust me

with your

children?

Tonight,

I'm in the

full throes

of wanting

to distrust

the heart

of Jesus.

I'm wanting

to challenge

his plan

and question

his method

for capturing

the hearts

of my kids.

I'm wanting

to move

into full-on

damage control

and behavior

modification

and manipulated

repentance.

But quite

frankly,

I'm tired.

My kids

are getting

older.

I'm 23

years for me

into this

mother's gig.

And I

know my

plan won't

work.

I am not

my kids

Holy Spirit.

So,

that is my

prayer for my

kids.

And I am

so thankful

that God

is at work.

Any further,

what further

comments,

questions?

Ma'am?

I was just

wondering,

you obviously

had a strong

sense of

calling or

vocation,

but I know

some women

don't necessarily,

but once you're

in it,

it kind of is

your vocation.

Yeah.

So,

I was just

wondering,

how does that

concept of it

being your

vocation keep

you going

through those

hard times?

I think I

have a negative

answer to that.

It was much

more of a sense

of there's

nothing else

I can do,

which is

probably,

you know,

it's not

true,

but it

definitely has

been my

sense that,

yeah,

I've just

got to keep

going.

I have

started to

develop some

other skills

and that's

been a great

outlet,

but yeah,

I think it

has been

negative in

my life and

I think that

that's not a

very God

honoring way to

look at it,

so I'm really

thankful to be

getting to a

point where I

can kind of

look at it

more positively,

but it's

difficult to

look at it

positively when

you're really

that under

it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And as I

said, I

don't know how

it works out

for everybody

else.

It is

definitely the

one thing that

I can see

myself doing.

What else?

Ma'am?

You talked

in the

beginning about

your husband

and he's

doing the

role that

God would

require of

him as

provider,

protector,

and the

priest of

your family.

All of

your pronouns

were my

children and

I'm wondering

how you

fit into

that triangle

of relationship

with your

husband.

Well, I

think I can

only speak as

me.

And I think

that that's

true, that a

lot of times it

does operate as

my purview.

This is what I

have to do

because he was

doing other

things, you

know, his

work and

such.

So, yeah, I

can only speak

for myself.

They are my

children, also

they are our

children.

So, that's a

really thoughtful

point.

And, yeah, I

can only speak

as my, from

my point of

view, but

you're right.

It is a, it

is an organic

group.

Thank you.

Thanks, Julie.

As we've done

the last couple

of times, we're

going to pray for

Julie and for

others who are

mothers.

So, Jeff, could

I ask you to

come and pray

for Julie and

for others who

are mothers or

parents invested

in raising

children.

Do I really

need this?

Yes, no.

No.

Thank you.

Yes.

Our Father

in heaven, we

know that you,

as we all go

about doing

what you've

called us to

do, as we

face our fears

and as we face

our inadequacies,

that we would

cast ourselves

upon you,

that we would

look to you

to find our

meaning and

purpose,

that you would

flood our hearts

with joy as we

realize that by

receiving Jesus,

we are your

children and we

are established

and we have

heaven to look

forward to.

And we do pray

for Julie and

for all mothers

that you would

provide everything

they need to

step into their

roles competently

and with

confidence

and that you

would use them

mightily and

that, Father,

you would save

our children and

intervene.

And it's in your

son's name that we

pray.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.