Restoring Damaged Relationships 1

I know that I'm visually challenged.

So if you're trying to wave at me and get my attention,

and I don't seem to be paying any attention,

you might want to try harder or give up.

Whatever you think best.

Ah, thank you, Eli.

Yes, I think we're good.

And, yeah, I guess we can leave that right there.

Good.

Good.

Good.

Well, I'm going to start off this morning with a little story about a family.

The main characters are a brother and a sister.

And I'm, true story, but I'm going to give fictitious names, John and Rachel.

And here is John's account.

I called home to see how my father was doing as he recovered from his heart attack.

But what I found out is that my mother was now in the hospital.

At first, they wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

But finally, my sister Rachel let it out that Mom was in the psychiatric unit

after taking an overdose of drugs.

Rachel said to me, we don't call you anymore.

We don't tell you because you don't care about the family.

You're too good for us now.

John says, I have never been cut so deeply in my life.

My sister doesn't know that I've been sending home a quarter of my paycheck each month

to help with my dad's hospitalization costs.

She doesn't know how often I call home.

So what she said was unfair and untrue.

But I decided I'd rather that I wouldn't say anything about this to her.

After all, she's been carrying quite a load at home.

I'll just forgive her.

Just forgive and forget, it has often been said.

And I think that at times that is what we should do.

But in a case like that of John and Rachel,

where their relationship has been badly damaged by misunderstanding

and now is characterized by lack of trust and deep hurt,

in a situation like that, just forgiving and forgetting,

I think usually does not do anything to help repair the damage to the relationship.

Today and the next three Sunday mornings,

we're going to be looking at damaged relationships and how to restore them.

On the handout that I hope you have,

you'll see at the top a little introduction section with what I call five truths

that the Bible tells us about relationships.

And I'm going to go through those briefly now.

First, relationships get damaged.

How many people believe that?

Probably I don't have to prove that to you.

But I will mention that in the book of Genesis,

which has the primary theme of beginnings,

there is this strong secondary theme of damaged relationships.

I think it's true, or at least almost true to say,

that every single relationship in Genesis that we read about in any detail got badly damaged.

And up on the screen, you'll see a partial list of these relationships,

which I think, to me anyway, make very clear that God knows this is true,

and he cares deeply about it.

The damaged relationship that we'll be focusing on comes at the end of Genesis,

and it's about Joseph and his brothers.

Now, the second truth about relationships from the Bible is that it's hard work to repair a damaged relationship.

But they can be restored with God's help.

And here I reference, and on your sheet, you know, you'll see a lot of text,

and next to most of them is a Bible reference,

and I'm going to put those up on the screen when I'm referring to them.

So, it's hard work to maintain and restore relationships.

In Ephesians 4.2, we read,

Be completely humble and gentle.

Be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Make every effort.

The message is, it's hard work.

But we're to do that.

By the way, I just remembered something that I had forgotten.

And that is that I was hoping to use the youth group Bibles

that are sitting in a box in the back room there.

Eli would know where they are and if they're still available.

But later today, when we look at Genesis,

I wanted to encourage all of you to,

if you don't have your own Bible, to look on there.

Thank you, Ben.

All right.

So, the third truth about relationships from the Bible.

Not that these are the only truths, but these are some.

Number three.

Restoring damaged relationships is critically important to God's work in the world.

We read in John 13, 35, that Jesus said,

By this, all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.

Now, the implication is that, on the other hand,

if Christians are fighting with one another,

are not getting along with one another,

if their love isn't showing,

people will doubt that we are disciples of Jesus.

And I think in the United States today,

we see that in a big way.

People outside the church,

people who wouldn't call themselves Christians,

typically, so the polls show,

look at Christians and think,

they're unloving,

and they're not really following Jesus.

Which has a terrible negative effect

on what God wants to do through us.

So, good relationships between Christians

and people in general are important to God's work.

Fourth truth.

God's goal for us in our relationship

when they get damaged

is not just that the anger and hostility ends.

God's goal is that we have good relationships

with one another.

Colossians 3, 12 and following.

Therefore, as God's chosen people,

holy and dearly loved,

clothe yourselves with compassion,

kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

Bear with each other

and forgive whatever grievances

you have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues put on love,

which binds them all together

in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,

since as members of one body,

you were called to peace.

A lot of words there.

But if you can form a picture

of what the church and our relationships

would be like if we obeyed that,

it is a beautiful thing.

Something to be greatly treasured

and worth working hard for.

The fifth point.

Restoring damaged relationships

is usually a process.

Now, there may be those times

when, let's say,

you get hurt by somebody else

that you've had a good relationship with

and you get angry

and there may be times when,

you know, very quickly,

all of a sudden, problem solved,

it's over with,

good relationship again.

But,

I believe both experience

and the Bible

indicate that that's not

the way things usually work.

Usually, restoring a badly damaged relationship

is a process.

We'll see, I believe,

good evidence for that

in the Bible as we go along.

But I think also,

in Genesis 37 through 50,

the story of Joseph and his brothers,

we see how that gets played out

as a long-term process of restoration.

Now, the Bible says a lot about relationships,

how they get damaged,

how they can be fixed.

I think one way

to summarize

what the Bible teaches

is that restoring relationships

is a process

that can be described

in four steps.

Not the only way

to, you know,

summarize the Bible's teaching,

but I think this is

a good way.

On your sheet,

and the front side

that we're looking at

is the one that starts

with restoring damaged relationships,

not the one that says

step three on the back.

But right here,

you have

what I call

four steps

to

restoring damaged relationships.

And you can read those,

but what I want to do now

is

try and explain

briefly

what I mean by them,

making reference back

to the story

I told at the beginning

about

John and Rachel.

John was

deeply hurt

and then angered

by what Rachel told him.

But it seems

that fairly quickly

he got over his anger.

And that's what I mean

by renouncing anger.

You know,

letting go of it

so that you're not

angry with

the person who hurt you

anymore.

And then

it seems

that instead of

focusing on

the hurt

and anger

that he was feeling,

he started thinking

about Rachel

and all that

she was going through.

And I would

describe that

as responding

in love.

He really starts

to care about

the person

who hurt him.

Now,

I don't think

that was

the total approach

he took

was wise,

but at least

I believe

he was responding

in love.

What's wrong

with that approach

is that

if he isn't

going to do

anything else

but just

forgive and forget,

he's not going

to get to

what I call

reconciliation.

By which I mean

things are discussed.

There's good

communication.

People come

to an agreement

on the truth.

And where there's

a need

for somebody

to ask forgiveness

and for forgiveness

to be granted,

there's an opportunity

for that to be done.

Now,

if that doesn't

get done,

the hurt

of the past

is probably

going to continue

into the future

in a form

of lack

of trust.

This person

hurt me before.

You know,

why should I believe

the future

should be any different?

The person's

probably going

to hurt me again.

So,

in the case

of John,

Rachel,

you know,

if John just

forgives and forgets,

Rachel's probably

going to continue

to think

John doesn't care

about the family

anymore.

He thinks,

you know,

he's too good

for us now.

And so she

certainly isn't

going to trust

him to act

in the best way

towards her

and the rest

of the family.

So,

these are

four steps

that often

are worked

through in the

order that

you have them

there.

During this

study,

today in the

next three weeks,

this is my

hope and goal,

that as we

look at what

the Bible says,

we'll come to

understand more

about relationships,

how they get

damaged,

how God

wants to work

with us and

through us

to restore

them.

But I also

want us

to work

together

to

help each

other

apply

the truths

that we

read.

Let's pray.

Heavenly

Father,

we are

broken people

who have

broken

relationships.

We ask

that you

will give

us a

picture

of what

you want

those

relationships

to be

in the

future.

May we

see the

love

and the

joy

that you

desire

us and

others to

have.

We ask

that you'll

bring conviction

where you

want us to

change,

that you'll

give us

hope,

that you

will enable

us to

change.

help us

obey you

so that we

may experience

your peace,

love,

and joy.

That the

name of

Jesus may

be praised.

Amen.

that.

Now,

at this

point,

I'll just

invite you

to do two

things if you

can.

One,

get a

handout if

you haven't

gotten one

yet,

and we're

going to be

looking in

a moment

at this

section

about

Jacob

and his

family.

And also,

if you don't

have a

Bible,

then how

do we

do our

Bibles?

We have

many,

and hopefully

they're the

ones I'm

imagining,

but if not,

probably close

enough.

I'd like you

to turn to

Genesis 37,

and we're

going to

begin by

reading verses

3 through

11.

If you're

using the

Bible,

I think you

have,

you'll find

this on

page 31.

Somebody,

if you find

that's true,

let me know.

If it's not

true,

you can also

let me know.

But,

Genesis chapter

Genesis 37 · chapter mention

37,

and we'll

start with

verse 1.

But,

as you

turn there,

let me just

give you a

little bit of

background.

Jacob,

one of the

main people

in this

story,

it's mentioned

over here,

Jacob also

has the name

Israel,

and he's

called by

both names

in this

text,

but they

both refer

to the same

people.

Now,

Jacob was

the grandson

of Abraham

and the

son of

Isaac,

part of

the family

that God

picked to

reveal himself

to the

world.

So,

they have a

special part

in God's

plan.

But,

as we'll

see,

that didn't

guarantee that

they were

necessarily

very godly

people.

people.

This chart

describes

Jacob's

family.

He had

what we

might call

two first

class wives,

Leah and

Rachel.

children.

But then

he had

what we

might call

two second

class wives,

Bilhah,

Rachel's

servant

originally,

and Zilpah,

Leah's

servant.

And between

the four of

them,

he had

twelve

sons,

and they're

listed there

underneath

their mother,

and the

number there

is their

birth order,

as it

turns out.

Now,

this is a

great recipe

for a

dysfunctional

family.

And that

is what

we see

happen for

the marriage

setup and

for other

reasons,

too.

But even

in a family

such as

this,

there were

certain

expectations.

And one

is that

the oldest

son would

become the

leader of

the family

when dad

died.

And the

oldest son

would also

inherit a

greater share

of whatever

inheritance

the father

passed on

to his

sons.

However,

in this

family

situation,

which the

other brothers

wouldn't have

liked,

but they

would have

gone along

with it

because,

you know,

that's

tradition,

that's what

we have

to live

with.

But a

complicating

factor was

that Jacob

had a

favorite

son who

he loved

more than

all the

others.

That was

Joseph.

And between

that and

some

shenanigans

that Reuben

was involved

in,

it wasn't

clear that

Reuben was

going to be

the head of

the family

in the

future.

You know,

maybe Joseph

was.

And that

just made

things more

complicated and

less happy

in general.

all right,

that being

said,

I'm going

to start

reading

Genesis 37

with verse

1.

Jacob lived

in the

land of

his

fathers,

that is,

Abraham and

Isaac,

his father's

sojournings

in the

land of

Canaan,

what we

would call

Israel

today.

And the

next phrase,

these are

the generations

of Jacob,

may not

communicate a

lot to

us.

another

translation

puts it,

I think,

helpfully this

way.

This is an

account of

Jacob's

family line.

And now

the second

part of

verse 2.

Joseph,

being 17

years old,

was pasturing

the flock

with his

brothers.

He was

a boy

with the

sons of

Bilhah

and Zilpah,

his father's

wives.

And Joseph

brought a

bad report

of them

to his

father.

Now,

we don't

know whether

that bad

report was

warranted

or not.

And we

don't know

in what

way Joseph

brought the

report to

his father.

But,

however that

be,

it certainly

was not

something that

the other

brothers

appreciated.

verse 3.

Now,

Israel,

once again,

same person

as Jacob.

Israel

loved Joseph

more than

any other

of his

sons,

because he

was the

son of

his old

age.

And he

made him

a robe

of many

colors.

But,

when his

brothers saw

that their

father loved

him more

than all

his

brothers,

they hated

him and

could not

speak

peacefully

to him.

So,

Jacob

showed

favoritism.

That wasn't

Joseph's fault.

But,

it was

certainly

easy for

the brothers

to focus

their unhappiness

about it

on

Joseph

in

anger.

Now,

it would

have been

wonderful

at this

point if

Joseph's

brothers,

feeling this

anger,

said,

you know,

we should

not hold

a grudge

against

Joseph.

We should

love him.

You know,

we should

renounce

our anger.

They did

not have

the benefit

of the

whole

Bible.

They did

not have

the benefit

of understanding

the joy

of forgiveness

through faith

in Jesus,

nor the

fullness of

the Holy

Spirit,

nor a

greater church

around them

to help

them.

So,

and plus,

there's no

indication they

were particularly

godly people,

even though

they were in

this special

family that

God was

working with.

We do

have those

other benefits

today,

and even

so,

it's hard

for us

to react

as God

wants us

to in a

similar

situation.

But,

with God's

help,

we can.

And,

so,

in a situation

like that,

first thing,

renounce

anger.

But,

they didn't.

Alright,

let's read

on.

Not only

did they

not renounce

anger,

but at this

point,

we read

that Joseph

added fuel

to their

simmering,

angry fire.

Now,

Joseph had

a dream,

and when

he told

it to

them,

he said

to them,

hear this

dream that

I had.

Yeah,

suddenly my

glasses don't

seem to be

working well.

But,

I,

here we go.

Hear this

dream that I

dreamed.

behold,

we were

binding

sheaves

in the

field,

and behold,

my sheave

arose

and stood

upright,

and behold,

your sheaves

gathered around

it and bowed

down to my

sheave.

His brother

said to him,

are you

indeed

to reign

over us,

or are you

indeed

to rule

over us?

imagine

negative

tone of

voice.

So,

they hated

him even

more for

his dreams

and for

his words.

Then he

dreamed

another dream

and told

it to his

brothers and

said,

behold,

I have

dreamed another

dream.

Behold,

the sun,

the moon,

and eleven

stars were

bowing down

to me.

But when

he told it

to his

father and

to his

brothers,

his father

rebuked him

and said

to him,

what is

this dream

that you

have dreamed?

Shall I

and your

mother and

your brothers

indeed come

and bow

ourselves down

to the ground

before you?

And the

brothers were

jealous of

him,

but his

father kept

this saying

in mind.

Now,

when Joseph

told this

dream,

he was at

least seventeen

years old

and

he was

a smart

young man.

I think

those things

are clear.

I also

think that

he was a

spoiled

teenager

and was

acting like

a jerk.

So,

we could

say,

yeah,

his

brothers had

good reason

to be angry

with him.

and they

stayed angry

and

eventually

their

anger

turned

violent.

As I've

said before,

we,

by God's

grace,

have a lot

more resources

than they

had to

deal

properly

with

damaged

relationships.

relationships.

So,

let's look

first at

what the

Bible says

we should

do in

a situation

like this.

And,

so,

at this

point,

we're

looking at

step one

in restoring

damaged

relationships,

renouncing

anger.

And,

what I call

step one

here is

acknowledging

that God

doesn't want

me to stay

angry even

if somebody

really has

hurt me.

He does

not want

me to

stay angry

with this

person.

And,

let's

see here,

the

reference I

give is

Ephesians

4,

26-27,

which is

up on the

screen.

It reads,

be angry

and do

not sin.

Do not

let the

sun go

down on

your anger

and give

no opportunity

to the

devil.

that

phrase,

don't let

the sun

go down

on your

anger,

it was

a,

I think,

putting it

in our

context today,

it would be

something like

this.

Don't stay

angry with

somebody for

more than

a few

days.

When you're

hurt,

it's normal

and not

necessarily

sinful to

respond in

anger.

Jesus was

angry at

times.

But

staying

angry with

somebody

is a

sin.

And the

implication

here is

that if

you stay

angry with

somebody,

you're

inviting

Satan to

come into

your life

and stay

there and

continue

to make

your

relationships

bad.

So,

first thing

to do

is,

if you

find yourself

hurt and

angry and

you're staying

angry,

to realize,

ah,

this is not

what God

wants,

and to

pray and

commit

yourself to

not staying

angry with

this person.

now,

at this

point,

I think

it would

be good

to do

a little

reality

check.

So,

let me

ask this,

or ask

you to

raise your

hand,

if this

is true

of you.

At

some time

in the

past,

have you

been really

hurt by

somebody,

gotten

angry with

them,

and stayed

angry with

them for a

few days

or longer?

if that's

happened to

you,

as it's

happened to

me,

I invite you

to raise

your hand.

Now,

there may

be some

of us

who haven't

experienced

that.

If not,

if you

live very

long,

most likely

it will

happen,

but,

you know,

some of us

are more

angry people

than others,

and some

people stay

more angry

than others.

But,

whether you've

experienced it

or not,

here's another

question.

Let's say

you find

yourself

in that

situation.

Maybe you're

in it now,

maybe in

the future,

you feel

the conviction

of God,

I should

renounce

this anger,

it should,

you know,

be wiped

out of my

life,

and you pray

about it,

and you say,

Lord,

help me

release this

anger.

Do you

think

that that

will,

by itself,

solve the

problem?

If you

think that

will likely

for you

solve the

problem,

raise your

hand.

If you

think,

ah,

that may

not solve

the problem

just by

itself,

raise your

hand,

and here

I raise

my hand.

You probably

know that

just because

you decide

you're going

to do

something,

doesn't mean

it's

automatically

going to

happen.

sin.

A child

may decide

they're going

to become

a veterinarian,

but that

decision in

itself will

not bring

that to

pass.

And many

of us have

experienced

this.

We've been

convicted of

sin,

we pray,

confess it

to God,

ask him to

help us

have victory

over that

sin,

and have

found that

we continue

to do

it.

Now,

if you've

experienced

that,

and gotten

discouraged,

be encouraged,

because of

two things.

These are

not on your

sheet,

but one,

God has

given us

everything

we need

to have

victory

over sin,

and

to get

rid of

the sin

in our

life.

By the

way,

this reference

is now

on your

sheet,

but it's

up here

after point

number five,

if you

want to

look at

it in

the future.

So,

2 Peter 1,

starting with

verse 3,

God's

divine power

has granted

to us

all things

that pertain

to life

and godliness,

through the

knowledge of

him who

called us

to his

own glory

and excellence,

by which

he has

granted to

us his

precious

and very

great

promises,

so that

through them

you may

become

partakers

of the

divine

nature,

having

escaped

from the

corruption

that is

in the

world

because

of sinful

desire.

I find

that

an amazing

and

encouraging

statement.

God will

give us

what we

need.

Secondly,

God knows

that in

the way

he's

ordained

things,

if we've

had habitual

sin,

getting

victory

over sin

is usually

a process

by which

God

through

his

work

over

time

pushes

out

the

old

habit

and

replaces

it

with

the

new

habit

that

God

wants

us

to

have.

If

you

continue

reading

in

that

passage

5

through

verses

11,

this

is

very

clear

that

it

is

a

process

by

which

God

removes

the sin

in our

lives

and replaces

it

with his

character,

the character

of Jesus.

And in

addition to

that general

teaching,

the Bible

is full

of

information

about

the steps

that

we

can take

in the

process

to experience

that.

And

so

right now

we're going

to

continue

looking

at

what I'm

calling

for the

big picture

step one,

renouncing

anger,

but

sub-steps

in that.

So the

first one

is to

recognize

ah,

you know,

this is not

what God

wants

and ask

for his

help

in

renouncing

anger.

The

second

step

that I

mentioned

there is

don't

replay

the

negative

past.

So

let's

say

somebody's

hurt

you

and

you know,

you're going

about your

daily business

and

you remember

the event.

Here are

two choices

that you

have.

One,

you can

go over

it.

You know,

you can

kind of

put in

that mental

video

you have

of what

that person

did to

you.

And as

you replay

it,

you know,

experience

the hurt

and anger

all over

again.

And as

you do

that,

you may

experience

a certain

devious

delight

of righteous

anger.

Oh,

I have

been wrong.

That is

terrible.

And it's

easy to

do that

again

and again

and again.

But

what

God

says

to do

is

as we

read

in

1 Corinthians

13,

I think

it speaks

to this

point.

Love

keeps

no

record

of wrongs.

It doesn't

hold on to

that mental

video.

You know,

it doesn't

keep it

right there

ready to

play

again

and again.

love

does not

delight

in evil.

You know,

it doesn't

make a

practice

of,

oh yeah,

that's

what that

person

did to

me.

Get

the

adrenaline

going

again.

No.

So

instead

of when

that

event,

that hurt

comes to

mind,

instead

of replaying

the negative

paths,

you could

choose,

with God's

help,

to

practice

step

four

or

five.

But

before we

get to

those

and

to

step

three,

let's

go back

to our

Bible

text.

And

we

read

in

Genesis

37,

12

through

17,

that

Joseph

was at

home.

His

brothers,

it seems

maybe all

his

brothers,

except

for his

full

brother

and the

youngest

brother

Benjamin,

were out

a ways

from home

taking care

of the

family

sheep,

the

flocks.

And

their

father,

Jacob,

wanted to

know how

they were,

so he

sends

Joseph

out to

find them

and check

on them.

And then

we come

to verse

18.

The

brothers

saw him

from afar

and before

he came

near to

them,

they conspired

against him

to kill

him.

They

said to

one another,

here

comes this

dreamer,

come

now,

let us

kill him

and throw

him into

one of

the pits.

Then

we will

say that

a fierce

animal

has

devoured

him

and we

will see

what

becomes

of his

dreams.

But

when

Reuben

heard

this,

he

rescued

him

out of

their

hands

saying,

let us

not take

his

life.

And

Reuben

said to

them,

shed

no

blood,

throw

him

into

this

pit

here

in the

wilderness,

but do

not lay

a hand

on him.

That

he

might

rescue

him

out

of

their

hand

and

restore

him

to

his

father.

Now,

it may

be

that

some

of

Reuben's

motivation

was

good.

Love

for his

father,

love

for

Joseph.

But

it

may

also

be

that

because

Reuben

had

offended

his

father

and

you

know,

that

maybe

threw

into

question

whether

Reuben

was

going

to

become

the

head

of

the

family.

Reuben

was

looking

for

some

way

to

get

back

into

the

good

graces

of