Restoring Damaged Relationships 2

I bet I'm recording right now. Look at that. But I want to stop.

Good morning.

Well, I am starting late today, but I'm going to try and start anyway.

And let me remind myself where we were last week.

We started on a series of lessons about restoring damaged relationships.

And if you don't have a handout, let me offer you one.

In fact, let me just give those to you and hand them out as you see fit.

And you can put them back over there.

There are some more handouts in the back, too.

And last week, we covered some introductory material.

I started looking at the story of Joseph and his brothers.

And I spoke of four steps in restoring damaged relationships.

And suggested that, though you could talk about that subject of restoring damaged relationships in various ways from a biblical perspective,

that this was one way to try and put all the material together.

And...

Hey! Hi, Ben!

Hello!

Uh...

You got the recorder. That's good.

I got the recorder from Matt.

Excuse me just a moment.

And...

Shortly, we may have some video.

Video.

Uh...

Just a visual.

Cool.

And...

So we started talking about what I call a first step in restoring damaged relationships.

And that is dealing with the anger that people almost always feel when they're in a meaningful relationship

and some other person in a relationship hurts them.

Uh...

It is natural, and I think not necessarily sinful, to get angry as a result.

Um...

But, I suggested that, uh...

We should not stay angry.

The Bible tells us to, uh...

Renounce anger against, uh...

Others.

And that that's a first step that we can take ourselves.

Whatever the other people are.

We can take that step.

Now, I didn't provide any opportunity for, uh...

Questions last week.

Uh...

But, two people did ask me questions during the week.

Um...

And, in fact,

The two people both asked the same question.

So I thought it would be good to start off with that question

and, uh...

Give those of you who want to a chance to ask questions at the beginning.

And, uh...

We'll go on from there.

So...

The, uh...

One person emailed me a question, and I'll read it to you.

Um...

I did wonder about renouncing anger.

What about the case of repeated offenses?

Is there a distinction between godly indignation and unrighteous anger?

Should godly indignation be, uh...

Dispersed with after a few days in all cases?

And that statement may be up on the screen sometime soon.

Um...

Whereas I had said something like this.

If you are angry with someone for more than a few days

and are not in the process of renouncing anger,

then you are probably sinning.

Ah, I think we're getting really close.

Um...

So...

Uh...

I'll repeat those more or less if you want.

If you need it.

But what do you think?

Uh...

Is the statement that I just made again...

Uh...

Do you think that's biblical?

Or do you think it's missing something?

Uh...

Once again, the person said,

I wonder about your treatment of renouncing anger.

Um...

Is...

I'm going to put a cable on your map.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll try not to trick over it.

Okay.

Uh...

I'm going to need that closer, I think.

Well, um...

If you have any thoughts,

you can share those.

You know what I'm saying.

Uh...

Or, uh...

If you have a different question,

you could ask that too.

And I'll give you a moment to think.

And you know what?

Let's pray.

Heavenly Father,

as we get started this morning,

and as we deal with technology,

above all, Lord,

we want to meet with you.

We want to know you better

and experience your love

and grow up more

as your sons and daughters.

Help us to follow your example

of loving others

and being involved in it.

reconciling with us.

Help us now, Lord,

we ask.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen.

Boy, things went so smoothly

with this last week.

But, uh...

That's no guarantee, is it?

You know, I would say

from one of those questions,

you said,

biblically,

we know that that's what

we should do,

is reconciliation.

But personally, for me,

what we should biblically do

isn't always what's easiest to do

or what my very sinful nature

wants to do.

So it's one of the hardest things

I struggle with

because I want to stay indignant

that I've been wronged

in a relationship.

And that person should make

the first move,

right?

The first move

to come to me

and say,

gee, I'm sorry I wronged you.

And so it's a really hard thing

for me to truly say,

I give it up to the Lord

and let it go.

So,

I know I should do it,

so it isn't.

I know

reconciliation

is a biblical

command,

so to speak,

but

my nature just doesn't

want to go there.

And

I'm just,

I think,

Kirsten was using

the term

reconciliation

in a certain way.

Well,

maybe including

a whole process

which I call

forgiveness

and repentance

and sin.

For restoring

the relationship.

If,

once again,

if you have a handout,

you can look

and see this here,

or if you don't have one,

we can certainly

get you one.

I suggest

thinking of

the restoration

of the relationship

process

in terms of

four steps,

and I call

the third one

reconciliation.

But,

you know,

it's just

however you define it.

You talk about

the whole thing

is reconciliation

or forgiveness.

things.

But,

what

Kirsten

is saying

accurately

is that

many times

when we've

been hurt

and

we're angry,

yeah,

righteous,

we think

it's righteous

indignation,

we think

we have a

right

to be angry.

We are,

we're hurt,

and yes,

let the other

person take

the first step.

And,

what I'm

suggesting

is,

and I haven't

said this point

clearly yet,

is that the

first two steps,

renouncing anger

and responding

in love,

are things

that we can

do

whatever

the attitude

or will

of the other

person is.

the step

that I call

reconciliation

involves

interaction,

discussion,

honesty,

asking for

forgiveness,

being forgiven,

those kinds

of things,

which you need

two willing

parties to

do well.

But,

I'm suggesting

right in line

with what

Kirsten said

that,

yes,

a first step

that God

calls us

to take

when a

relationship's

been damaged

and we're

angry,

is to

say,

Lord,

help me,

I'm going

to,

help me get

over this

and I

tried to

make clear

last week

that that

isn't necessarily

going to be

an instantaneous

thing.

Lord,

take this

anger away.

Ah,

and you'll

never be

angry about

what happened

again.

Rather,

I'm suggesting

that's the

start of a

process.

That's right.

All right.

Now,

let me say

one more

thing.

Because,

the only

question I

got following

last week's

lesson was

about this.

I decided

to talk to

somebody,

they weren't

in the

class,

but to

talk to

somebody

about it.

And they

had a lot

to tell me.

And part

of what they

were telling

me is this.

what about

the steps

a person

needs to

take if

they've

been hurt

for their

own protection?

And maybe

as I talked

about it with

them, I was

coming across

as saying,

well, let's

just say this.

You're in an

abusive relationship

at work,

at home,

hopefully not

a church,

but wherever

it's been.

And,

I think they

were saying

to me,

well, Matt,

the first

step is,

you know,

get safe

yourself.

Get out

of the

abuse.

Can I

regroup

your forgiveness?

I'm sorry,

I'm laughing,

because I

had this

lousy

experience

yesterday.

I was

working on

preparing my

lesson for

today,

and all

of a sudden

Windows says,

we are doing

an update.

We are

reconfiguring

your computer.

And so,

for an

hour or

two, I

couldn't

work on

my computer

while it

reconfigured

things.

And last

night, it

was done,

and I got

back to

work, and

everything

seemed fine.

But maybe

not everything

is quite

fine.

Worked last

week, but

with this

new

configuration of

Windows 10,

who knows

what's

happening.

But it's

all right.

You can

keep working,

I'll try and

ignore you.

So, hi.

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

What's your

name?

My name's

Matt.

Hi, Matt.

If you'd like,

you can have a

handout.

help.

And so, the

approach I was

taking kind

of assumed

that you

weren't being

abused, you

know, and the

hurt wasn't

actively

on a regular

basis.

If you're

assuming that,

yes, then

get safe,

and then

you can

look to

God and

ask for

help in

doing what

he wants

you to do

to restore

the relationship,

which may

never happen

if the

other person

isn't living.

But,

yeah.

Any other

follow-up

comments on

that?

Yeah.

Any other

questions at

this point?

So, I'll

try one.

Yeah.

Thank you

for doing

this class.

And again,

I thought you

did a good

job last

week.

The part

that left

me uncomfortable

last week is

that, you

know, we

called Jacob's

relationship

broken, we

called even

Joseph's

relationship

broken, and

I understand

why.

But it

just didn't

sit well

with me

because through

Jacob and

the twelve

tribes of

Israel, through

Joseph, a

whole nation

was saved.

So, even

while we

consider it

broken, God

was doing

something good.

So, I

constantly go

back to

Peter's

dream, don't

call it

broken what

God has

used for

good.

So, I

just, I

don't know, it

didn't sit

well with me.

Okay, yeah,

yeah.

So, God

had a

purpose, that

he used the

sin of

Joseph's

brothers, and

I think the

sin of Joseph,

and the sin

of Jacob.

You know, God

used that, just

like he used

the sin of the

religious and

Roman authorities

in the day of

Jesus, you

know, so

that Jesus

ended up being

crucified and

dying for our

sins.

So, God

at least

uses good

for his

purposes, and

he's not

surprised by

it.

In fact, he

knows the

future.

Some would

say he

ordains all

the sin to

be happened,

or that's a

big question I

have a hard

time dealing

with.

But,

yes, God

used it.

But, I

think we'll

see that

Joseph, by

some years

later, both

knew that

God was

using him

for his

purposes, and

yet, he, I

believe, worked

really hard to

restore the

relationship with

his brothers.

He wanted a

good relationship

with them again.

people.

And so, God,

you know, can

use bad

things in our

lives, including

broken, damaged

relationships, for

good.

Oh, my, he's

used them in

my life over

and over again

to get my

attention

about

something.

good.

I've worked in

the New Haven

school system

for 11 years.

I taught

science, a

career in my

school.

school.

And, uh, uh,

yeah.

And, um, but

I retired a

year ago.

But last

week, as

Debbie and I

were driving

through New

Haven, I

drove by my

old high

school, and

anger came

up with

anything.

and, as

best as I

can discern, it

had to do

with a

long-standing

resentment

that I had

against the

New Haven

public school

system.

Rightly or

wrongly, I

think a lot

of their

policies and

decisions

actually hurt

students instead

of helping

them.

And I, you

know, saw

things that I

thought were

bad to be

done over and

over again in

my 11 years.

You know, half

the faculty means

I went to, you

know, I go

away, oh, no,

you know, ah!

But I never

realized until

last week that

the anger I

was feeling about

those bad

policies, the

developed into

a resentment

against some

individuals and

the system as

a whole.

And then I

could remember,

you know, my

wife saying,

ah, Matt, you

know, in social

sense, whenever

education comes

up, you know,

you go on your

rampage, you

know, about what

should be done

and what's being

done wrong.

And, you

know, obviously

she was

implying I

did it in an

unhelpful,

inappropriate way.

And, you

know, I was

just passionate

about doing

what was right

for students,

right?

Well, that was

a piece of it.

But a piece of

it was that I

had not dealt

with my

righteous anger,

assuming some

of it was

righteous.

And instead

of dealing

with it, you

know, I got

angry this

time, angry

that time,

angry this

time, to the

point where

this resentment

built up that

not only affected

me at work,

but affected me

outside of work,

affected my

social

relationships

with other

people,

provided a

foothold for

safety.

So, I

pray, Lord,

help me,

let go of

that anger

and resentment

that had been

percolating in me

all these years.

so this

class has been

good for at

least one

person.

Now,

this wasn't,

this isn't as

clear as the

story of Joseph

and his

brothers,

but my

anger,

staying angry,

not dealing

with it,

leading to

resentment,

was wrong.

But God

eventually used

it to get

my attention

after I'd

learned some

more things

and did

another step

of his work

in my heart

making me a

little bit

more like

Jesus.

So,

yeah?

Is there a

particular passage

in the Bible

that you could

use when we

can't feel

like that?

Wow,

what a great

segue.

Yes,

do you have

the handout

there,

Chuck?

Okay,

so,

last week

in renouncing

anger,

I think there

were scriptures

over the five

how-tos under

there,

right?

Okay,

so the first

one,

you know,

I believe

suggests,

hey,

when you

stay angry

with someone

or a group

of people,

a system,

whatever it

is,

one,

realize,

ah,

God doesn't

want me to

stay angry

with these

people.

world,

and maybe

I'll focus

on that,

on people.

God,

I believe,

does not

want us

to stay

angry with

individuals

or groups.

So,

first acknowledge

that and

say,

God,

help me

let go

of this.

So,

that's the

first step.

Second step

is,

you know,

don't keep

going over

it in your

mind.

And I

give,

you know,

references

to the

love chapter,

1 Corinthians

13,

that suggests

that love

doesn't do

that.

And love

doesn't,

love hopes

that things

can be better.

There's no

guarantee that

things will be

better in our

broken relationships,

but we can at

least hope that.

So we don't

have to say,

oh,

they did that

to me before,

and they're

going to do

it again.

Rather,

oh,

Lord,

change me,

change that.

Step four

is,

remember that

I've sinned

too.

In a damaged

relationship,

in any

relationship,

you know,

there's,

being sinners,

you know,

it's almost

guaranteed that

there's fault

on both sides.

And God

calls us

to forgive

others

as he

forgives us.

And forgiveness

can mean a lot

of different things,

but,

here,

in that

context,

I think it

at least

means,

you know,

not staying

angry with

them.

And Matthew,

the,

Chuck,

there's a

reference to

Matthew there

with step,

or how to

for,

also.

Yeah,

so that's the

parable of the

unforgiving servant.

And if you,

you're a person,

you know,

who kind of

delights in getting

angry,

you know,

feeling that

righteous

sanctification,

you might

want to

read that

over,

because it's

kind of like

a real

negative

warning about

don't do

that.

God doesn't

like it.

It's not

good.

And then,

how to's,

four and five,

are positive

things.

last week I

would have

projected this

on the screen

for you.

Today I

can't.

And so,

Is the

projector

broken?

They're not

communicating well.

Oh,

wow.

The computer,

yes,

these things

happen sometimes.

But,

step four is,

oh yes,

forgive as

God has

forgiven you.

How to

is pray

for those

who have

treated you

badly.

And for me,

this has been

the most

practical,

positive step.

When I've

been in the

process of

letting go of

my anger

against somebody,

when I

start

replaying,

you know,

what they

did to me,

being committed

not to do

that,

and when I'm

aware of it,

saying,

ah,

yes,

God wants

me instead

to pray

for these

people.

Well,

one,

that brings

God into

the picture.

Not just

what they

did against

me,

it's,

yeah,

my relationship

with them,

me,

them,

and God.

And that

changes things.

So,

praying for

them in a

positive way

is,

I think,

one of the

most helpful

things.

Long answer.

Did that?

Yeah.

Okay.

So,

by God's

grace,

even when

we've been

badly hurt

by someone,

we can get

to the point

where,

you know,

we're not

getting angry

with them

every time

we think

of them.

but that's

only,

I would say,

a first step

in restoring

the relationship.

I want to

tell you a

story.

I used to

live in

Stanford,

Connecticut,

and on

one occasion,

I,

I want to

hold off on

that for a

moment.

instead,

let's pick

up with

the story

of Joseph

and his

brothers.

Last week,

we looked

at Genesis

37,

and you'll

find this

on,

you're using

one of the

Pew Bibles,

not one of

the Pew

Bibles,

one of the

downstairs

Bibles,

which are

different than

the Pew

Bibles,

but they're

probably not

out here

today.

So,

if you have

a Bible,

I'd encourage

you to turn

to Genesis

37,

um,

hi Sam,

can I,

I'm looking

for a Bible.

Yeah.

Over there?

On the

bottom shelf.

That shelf

over there?

By the

way,

maybe some

of you

haven't been

able to

hear me,

but now

that we

have this

help,

and I'll

try and

stand here,

if you

still can't

hear me,

let me

know.

Any

comments

on sound?

Sound?

Yeah,

yeah,

and looking

at,

somebody who

knows about

this thing,

I just

hit it,

maybe I

turned it

off,

I was

trying to

locate it

in a place

where it

would pick

me up

from now

on.

So in

Genesis 37,

we read

how many

things

contributed

to Joseph's

brothers,

his ten

older brothers,

getting angry

with him,

and coming

to hate

him.

And then

saw how that

erupted in

violence,

they were,

they grabbed

him,

tore his

special clothing

off,

it was a

special robe

that was a

sign that

his father

loved him

more than

any of his

other brothers.

And she

proudly wore

around and

rubbed it in

their faces,

I believe,

and threw

him into a

pit,

either to

kill him

or to

let him

die,

but as

we read

at the

end of

chapter 37,

what they

ended up

doing was

selling

Joseph as

a slave,

a caravan

came by

bringing

various

goods,

it was

on its

way to

Egypt,

and

Judah,

one of

the brothers

said,

hey,

let's get

some money

out of

this,

and let's

sell him

as a

slave,

which they

did.

And off

Joseph has

taken Egypt.

And the

brothers are

thinking,

yes,

this thing

that has

made our

lives

miserable,

this person

who's

made our

lives

miserable,

is out

of the

picture

forever.

But,

they had

to convince

their father

that Joseph

was out

of the

picture

forever

and not

just

missing.

So,

I would

like it

if somebody

would

read

Genesis,

oh,

I can read

it,

I have

it here,

Genesis

37,

starting

with verse

31.

Then they

took

Joseph's

robe

and

slaughtered

a goat

and dipped

the robe

in the

blood.

And they

sent the

robe of

many colors

and brought

it to

their father

and said,

this we

have found,

please identify

whether it is

your son's

robe or

not.

And he

identified it

and said,

it is my

son's robe.

A fierce

animal has

devoured

him.

Joseph

is without

doubt torn

to pieces.

Then Jacob

tore his

garments and

put sackcloth

on his

loins and

mourned for

his son

many days.

Well,

it seemed

that Joseph

was out of

the picture,

even so he

was casting

a long

shadow in

the family.

But,

well,

he was out

of the

picture.

Now,

I believe

that the

story of

Joseph and

his brothers

is a

wonderful

biblical

story and

illustration

of restoring

a damaged

relationship.

But it

does not

give us

information

about every

step in

the process.

And one

of the

things we

don't see

directly

is the

brothers

getting over

their anger

towards

Joseph.

And

Joseph, I

bet, was

angry with

his brothers

after they

beat him

up and

sold him

as a

slave.

It doesn't

tell us

directly about

him getting

over that.

but the

Bible does

give us

a lot of,

I think,

indirect and

clear evidence

that Joseph

did that.

That he

eventually

followed

step one,

renouncing

anger,

and secondly,

came to the

point where he

really loved his

brothers again and

wanted a good

relationship with

them.

So, on

your handout,

you'll see

right down

around here

a number of

passages from

Genesis that

I present as

evidence that

Joseph trusted

and obeyed

God and

that God

blessed him.

And we're

going to read

just the first

one, which

is in

Genesis 39.

Again, with

the downstairs

Bible, I

think it's

page 33.

Genesis

Genesis 39 · chapter mention

chapter 39,

and I'll

read verses

1 through

10.

Now,

Joseph had

been brought

down to

Egypt, and

Potiphar, the

officer of

Pharaoh, the

captain of the

guard, an

Egyptian, had

bought him

from the

Ishmaelites,

who had

brought him

down there.

The Lord

was with

Joseph, and

he became

a successful

man, and

he was in

the house of

his Egyptian

master.

His master

saw that the

Lord was with

him, and

that the

Lord caused

all that he

did to

succeed in

his hands.

So, Joseph

found favor in

his sight, and

attended him,

and he

made him,

Potiphar made

Joseph, overseer

of his

house, and

put him in

charge of

all that he

had.

From the

time that he

made him

overseer in

his house, and

over all he

had, the

Lord blessed

the Egyptian's

house for

Joseph's sake.

The blessing

of the Lord

was on all

that he

had, in

the house, and

in the field.

So, he

left all that

he had in

Joseph's charge,

and because

of him, he

had no

concern about

anything but

the food he

ate.

Now, Joseph

was handsome

in form and

appearance, and

after a time, his

master's wife cast

her eyes on

Joseph and said,

Lie with me.

But, he

refused, and

said to his

master's wife,

Behold, because

of me, my

master has no

concern about

anything in the

house, and he

has put everything

that he has in

my charge.

He is not

greater in this

house than I

am, nor has

he kept back

anything from

me, except

you, because

you are his

wife.

How, then, can

I do this great

wickedness and

sin against

God?

And, as she

spoke to Joseph

day after day,

he would not

listen to her, to

lie beside her, or

to be with

her.

Joseph saw

what God was

doing in

blessing him, so

that probably

made it easy for

him to trust him

on some level,

trust God.

He obeyed God,

and God

blessed him.

And, as you

read those other

passages listed

there, you see

this over and

over again.

now, here's my

conclusion from

that indirect

evidence.

I do not

believe that

God would have

blessed Joseph in

this way if

Joseph had

been, you

know, seething

with anger

against his

brothers all

this year, all

those years.

others.

Now, I can't

prove that, but

let me ask you

to turn to

a psalm.

Psalm 37.

And, I'd

ask somebody to

read verses 4

through 9,

because...

I can read

verses.

You can.

Okay.

Are you there?

I am.

Great.

Psalm 37,

4 through 9.

Delight yourselves

in the Lord,

and he will

give you the

desires of your

heart.

Commit your

way to the

Lord.

Trust in him,

and he will

act.

He will bring

forth your

righteousness as

the light,

and your

justice as

the noonday.

be still

before the

Lord, and

wait patiently

for him.

Threat

not yourself

over the

one who

prospers in

his way,

over the

man who

carries out

evil devices.

Refrain

from anger,

and forsake

wrath.

Threat

not yourself,

it tends

only to

evil.

For the

evildoers

shall be

cut off,

but those

who wait

for the

Lord,

shall

inherit

the

land.

Thank

you.

No

problem.

Refrain

from anger,

or in

the language

I would

use,

renounce,

what did

I say?

No,

refrain

from anger

is what

it says,

or renounce

anger.

And I

think

actually,

not

renouncing

anger is

incompatible

with really

trusting the

Lord.

It's

another

command

repeated

several

times in

the Bible

is don't

seek

revenge.

Leave it

to the

Lord.

He will

take care

of it.

So,

I

conclude,

you know,

from what

we've looked

at,

that Joseph

came to

the place

where he

trusted God,

obeyed God,

God blessed

him,

and that

he did

what this

psalm tells

us to

do,

which is

don't fret

about what

the evil

things people

have done,

refrain from

anger,

and

trust me

to take

care of

it.

There,

I am

done with

step one,

renouncing

anger.

Questions at

this point,

or comments?

All right.

When I was

living in

Stanford,

one time

I had a

cookout with

some neighbors,

and I will

call the

neighbors,

one of the

neighbors,

Rich.

Now,

as we

talked,

you know,

it came out

that another

neighbor who

lived right

next to us

too,

George,

wasn't there.

And part of

the reason is

that Rich and

George had

not talked

to each

other for

years.

And this

is the

back story.

Rich had

had a

drainage

problem in

his yard,

he had

somebody come

in and

regrade the

yard,

and his

water problem

was over,

but unfortunately

now the

water was

causing

problems for

George.

And whereas

Rich and

George had,

you know,

a good

neighborly

relationship

in the

past,

sometime

after that,

they were

both out

in their

yards,

and Rich,

you know,

said hi to

George,

and George

just turned

around,

walked away.

And Rich

concluded,

well,

sorry for

George,

but if he

doesn't want

to talk to

me,

I can live

with that.

I'm not going

to talk to

him.

now I

didn't

detect any

anger on

Rich's

part,

but there

was no

love there

either.

Rich was

content,

you know,

he hadn't

been hurt

badly,

except snubbed

a little bit,

but he was

okay with

that.

He wasn't

angry,

but wasn't