Restoring Damaged Relationships 4

going to have this, what do you call this, a venue, an opportunity to speak, this what?

This class, that is true, that is true.

So it just occurred to me that three men from Trinity Baptist are planning on going on the

men's retreat at Spofford, Camp Spofford, on the weekend of the 20th, 21st and 22nd.

And if any other men out there are interested in such a thing, which I do recommend having

gone last year, please feel free to speak to me.

There.

And now, we are on.

Okay, good.

Let's pray.

Let's pray.

Heavenly Father.

Thank you for your love for us in Jesus, for reconciling us to you in your great love.

We ask that as your children, you will give us fruit in the area of reconciliation and

demonstrating your love, having your love flowing through us, that the world may see that you

sent Jesus, and that we are your disciples.

We ask for the glory of Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen.

I'd like to begin this morning by telling a story about Larry, Larry's mom and dad,

forgiveness, and trust.

And I'm going to tell it from the perspective of Larry's dad speaking with his mom.

You can maybe picture them alone in the kitchen one evening.

And what dad is doing is summarizing some events from the past three weeks.

Yeah, it's been just three weeks since Larry took our new Volvo to go out on a date.

And before the evening ended, he had filled the car with eight kids.

They drank a case of beer.

And as he demonstrated how the Volvo corners, he sideswiped three cars going 40 miles an hour

in the center of the town square.

Now, yes, Larry's asked us to forgive him.

And we forgave him.

We've only had the car back a few days now.

And Larry asks if he can take out the car this weekend on a date.

I have forgiven Larry.

But I want to know if he's learned anything from the experience.

I care about Larry.

I think he can be trusted with the Volvo again.

Someday.

But first, I want to see some evidence that he will be more responsible in the future.

That he really cares about the rest of the family being able to use an unwrecked car.

And that he will help cover the expenses of the increased insurance costs due to the accident.

Here's my question.

Has dad really forgiven Larry?

What do you think?

Any follow-up questions?

I hear a yes.

But Larry might say, if dad says, well, no, not this weekend.

Larry might say, why not?

You forgave me.

If you don't have the same handout I've been handing out for four weeks, I encourage you to get one.

We'll use it a little bit today.

There's copies on that chair and there's copies in the back also.

And here we are at the end.

Step four in a set of guidelines for restoring damaged relationships.

And this one's entitled Rebuilding Trust.

But you know what?

I don't want us to look there quite yet.

I want to go up on the page a little bit to where it says,

Forgiveness includes, and as it turns out the first two things are my step one and step two,

renouncing anger, responding in love, and then canceling the moral or personal debt that someone had with regard to you.

So, we might ask, has Larry's dad canceled the personal debt?

Now, of course, this is not a biblical definition that I can point to.

It's a definition of forgiveness that I got from an author whose name is somewhere up here.

Augsburger.

Oh, yeah, David Augsburger, right there.

But what do you think?

Has dad canceled the personal debt?

No.

Okay.

Any other thoughts?

Yes.

You know, why or why not?

Now, Esther thought, yes.

Somebody, I don't know who that is over there.

Okay, Laurie.

No.

Well, let me give you, this may help.

Let me give you at least what I think of as an example of somebody, in this case, dad, not forgiving Larry's debt.

It's a few weeks.

Yes.

Uh, um, no, I can just read right here.

One month after the accident, Larry says, dad, Jim's family is going to the lake house for the weekend, and they invited me to go along with them.

May I?

Dad, dad, no.

Dad, you've shown yourself to be completely irresponsible.

But dad, you've let me go to the lake house with them several times over the past year, and there was never any trouble.

Dad, you won't be going anymore.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again.

Plus, I sure can think of a lot of chores that need to be done around the house this weekend.

Again, and you owe me.

I owe me.

I owe me.

I owe me.

I owe me.

Okay.

Okay.

So, I think I gave an acceptable example of somebody not canceling the personal debt.

Uh, you know, literally, you still owe me.

The price has not been paid up.

Now, I'll give you my opinion.

Uh, and again, I'm not saying this is something you can prove from scripture, but I would say, before Larry took out the car and got the kids in and had the accident and all of that,

he did not have a right to use the new family car.

Um, and after the accident, even after he's forgiven, he still doesn't have a right to use the family car.

Um, dad and mom have the right and responsibility to decide what is an appropriate amount of trust to give to their children.

And hopefully, as a child grows, you know, that, um, the responsibility that the child has and exhibits, their amount of responsibility and trustworthiness grows,

and their parents, uh, uh, trusting them with more and more responsibility grows.

Um, so I don't think just saying, uh, I, I don't think dad saying this necessarily means that he hasn't forgiven that personal debt.

But, trust has been violated, and it takes time to build trust.

Um, that's true in any relationship.

You meet somebody for the first time, what do you trust them with?

You know, knowledge about yourself or, uh, you know, depending on them.

It, it's gonna change over time.

Uh, it might grow, it might, you know, quickly crash, and you might say, well, I'm not gonna share anything with that person ever again that, uh, I don't want shouted from the rooftops.

Um, so, uh, it, it's complicated, but I do think it's helpful, I think it's helpful, to separate, uh, reconciliation, which includes repentance and forgiveness, from trust building.

Um, and, uh, let me give an example of, uh, of this with regard to Larry and Dad.

Going right back to the beginning.

Um, Dad gets a call from the police.

They have the car at the town center, damaged.

They had eight kids in it.

Uh, you know, they're calling all the parents.

Uh, there's been drinking.

So, Dad drives down in the old car.

And, um, you know, deals with the police.

The accident report.

Dad is probably not real happy.

Um, uh, you know, he might even be angry.

Uh, which I would imagine, uh, I would be.

So, um, during this, you know, Larry comes up, maybe a little under the weather.

Dad, I'm so sorry.

Will you forgive me?

I think it's appropriate for Dad to say, we'll talk about this later.

Or even, not now!

Or whatever the case may be.

So, let's say, uh, uh, by the way, hopefully Dad's checked out and made sure that all eight of the kids, including Larry, are not hurt.

And, and things like that.

Okay.

So, um, a day or two later, Dad's gotten over his anger.

And then proceeds to step two.

Step one, renouncing anger.

Step two, responding in love.

Larry's dad starts thinking, okay, where do we go from here?

Um, how can, you know, I rebuild, uh, this relationship that's been damaged with, uh, Larry?

And, and how can I help him grow spiritually?

We're going to assume it's a, it's a functional Christian family.

Um, so he responds in love and he starts thinking about that.

And so he gets to the point where he says, uh, to Larry, let's sit down and talk about what happened now.

Okay, that's Dad.

But let's drop back to Larry.

How's Larry dealing with restoring a damaged relationship?

Well, at first, Larry might be angry.

Um, oh, Dan.

I let him get in the car and he snuck in that case of beer.

Oh.

And then Julie.

She offered me a can of beer while I was driving.

Why in the world did she do that?

And then, while I'm showing how well I can drive and how the Volvo corners, she hits my arm.

Oh, if that hadn't happened, oh, this wouldn't have happened.

Um, or.

Who knows?

Uh, he can probably even think of some reasons to be angry with Dad.

You know, maybe Dad's done things over the years that weren't quite right.

So, um, in this case, even the person who is the offender may have anger and hurt to deal with.

Uh, let's say, um, Larry's over that.

And by God's grace, he really, at some point in a few days, really wants to do the right thing.

Um, and, um, so, when Dad says, let's get together and talk about this, he says, okay.

So, uh, they get together and Larry says again, now we're up to step three, reconciliation.

We've renounced anger, we're responding in love, at least as we understand it, and now we're ready to deal with the issues.

Reconciliation.

Um, so, uh, Larry says, Dad, please forgive me.

In my opinion, Dad, being a wise father, says, forgive you for what?

Um, that I had an accident, says Larry.

Dad says, well, remember when Mom had an accident two years ago?

She didn't ask me for forgiveness.

I didn't think there was any need to forgive her.

It was an accident.

And then, Larry, by the grace of God, says, Dad, please forgive me for putting eight kids in the car.

For making, you know, sure that I or other people weren't drinking in the car.

Please forgive me for trying to show off about, you know, how well I could drive.

What I did was wrong, and I'm sorry for it.

And so, at this point, uh, let's see.

Um, repentance.

Uh, confessing evil actions and intentions.

Check.

Um, expressing regret for hurt caused.

Check.

And, I shouldn't even make a joke out of this, should I?

Because this is complicated and tough, and I don't want to communicate that, you know, this is like a magic formula.

Um, which it is not.

But, it's still good to think about these things and try and cover the bases.

I don't know.

Um, um, hopefully we won't have to check that one goodbye.

But, uh, uh, and thirdly, under, uh, repentance.

Um, hmm.

Um, uh, yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

Committing to right behavior in the future.

Uh, dad, I promise I won't do it again.

Good.

Good.

And dad forgives him and cancels the moral debt.

Does that mean that Larry can use the car next weekend?

Absolutely not.

Children of Sammy in the future.

Uh, that's, uh, I, I think you're going to get some good tough love there.

Good.

Yes, I agree.

Um, because when you've had a problem like this, when a relationship has been damaged, restoring trust usually takes time.

Um, so, let me pause for a moment before we go back to Joseph and his brothers and the biblical account.

Any questions, comments, arguments?

No.

Not from Sam.

Okay.

Um, feel free to ask questions as we continue.

I may not see you.

I'm probably not ignoring you.

You just have to be loud.

Um, so, let's, uh, turn, um, back in our Bibles, uh, to, uh, Genesis 45.

And if you're using the church Bibles, which I forgot to ask somebody to get out, it's on page 39 in the downstairs, I think, Pew Bibles.

Um, um, um, and so, what I'm going to read is, um, the closest thing we have in Genesis to, uh, the initial reconciliation process for Joseph and his brothers.

Um, so, Genesis 45, beginning with verse 4.

Um, Joseph said to his brothers, come near to me, please.

And they came near.

And he said, I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt.

And now, do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here.

For God sent me before you to preserve life.

For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are yet five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest.

And God sent me here before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to keep alive for you many survivors.

So, it was not you who sent me here, but God.

He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt.

Hurry and go up to my father and say to him, thus says your son Joseph.

God, um, God has made me lord over all Egypt.

Come down to me.

Do not tarry.

You shall dwell in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me.

You and your children and your children's children and your flocks and your herds and all that you have.

There I will provide for you.

For there are yet five years of famine to come.

So that you and your household and all that you have.

And I probably missed something there, but will not come to poverty.

There we are.

Verse 12.

Verse 13.

And now your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see, that it is my mouth that speaks to you.

You must tell your father of all my honor in Egypt and of all that you have seen.

Hurry and bring my father down here.

Then he fell on his brother Benjamin's neck and wept.

And Benjamin wept upon his neck.

And he kissed all his brothers and wept upon them.

After that, his brothers talked with him.

And just going down to verse 24.

I think this is another act of love on Joseph's part.

Then he sent his brothers away.

And as they departed, he said to them, do not quarrel on the way.

Now, in the text that follows, we see that the ten, probably eleven brothers, I would think, including Benjamin,

because he has his family to collect too, as well as all the others,

go back to where their father Jacob is in Canaan.

And they all gather up and make their way down to Egypt.

So, though we can't quite as neatly as in the case of my addition to the Larry story,

you know, check off all the steps of repentance and forgiveness,

I think there are at least parallels there.

So, reconciliation, from my perspective, has taken place.

And they all come down to Egypt and they live happily for a long time after.

Or did they?

Because, as I see it, reconciliation is not the end of restoring a relationship.

It's a step, but trust has to be rebuilt.

And now we can finally look at step four, rebuilding trust.

And right down here on the handout, you may see common barriers to rebuilding trust are

unreliable repentance and insincere forgiveness.

With regard to unreliable repentance,

the situation with Joseph and his brothers is very lopsided with regard to power.

Joseph has almost all the power in their relationship.

And so, his brothers, you might say, would be very unwise to, if they're still feeling hatred

or anger towards Joseph, to show that.

However, there are ways that they might, in speech or in action,

try and maneuver for their own best interests.

For example, one of the brothers might spend a lot of time with dad.

Now, they all come down to Egypt and we read that Jacob, the father,

lived for 17 years in Egypt with Joseph and the other brothers before he died.

So, imagine one brother making a special point to spend a lot of time with dad.

And maybe even saying something like, boy, I wish we saw more of Joseph.

You know, he says he has a lot to do at work.

But, he's governor of the land.

You know, he can really spend time as he wants to.

But, the Bible doesn't give any indication of that kind of thing.

That doesn't prove it didn't happen, but there's no indication of it.

And, with regard to Joseph and his brothers,

Joseph lived another 55 or so years in Egypt

after the brothers and Jacob came down to live there too.

A long time to work on rebuilding trust

and ideally having a better relationship

than they had before all this happened.

Before they beat Joseph up when he was 17

and sold him as a slave.

Now, the only evidence that I know of that we have in the Bible

that speaks to this

is that when Joseph died,

he gave responsibility for what at that point

might have been the most important thing to his heart

into his brother's responsibility.

And, for this, Genesis 50, verse 24 and following.

Genesis 50:24

Page 54 in the Downstairs Church Bible.

Then Joseph said to his brothers,

I am about to die,

but God will surely come to your aid

and take you up out of this land

to the land promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

And Joseph made the sons of Israel swear an oath

and said,

God will surely come to your aid

and then you must carry my bones up from this place.

So Joseph died at the age of 110

and after they embalmed him,

he was placed in a coffin in Egypt.

Joseph, it seems to me,

could have arranged things with his Egyptian servants

to do this.

But he entrusted it to the brothers that were still alive,

it seems from the text.

And it was actually many years later

that this happened.

But this suggests to me, anyway,

that their relationship had improved

and that trust had been restored.

So, that's what I see in the text

about unreliable repentance.

There doesn't seem to be any evidence of that

on the case of the Ten Brothers.

But what about the other common barrier

to rebuilding trust?

Insincere forgiveness.

And this would be on Joseph's part, primarily.

After the reconciliation,

it appears that Joseph, you know,

isn't holding anything against his brothers,

that he loves them.

And we see evidence of that in

Genesis 47,

starting with verse 11,

page 40, bottom right.

47, 11.

So, after the 11 brothers and Jacob

and all their family come back to Egypt,

it says,

Joseph settled his father and his brothers

in Egypt and gave them property

in the best part of the land,

the district of Ramses,

as Pharaoh had directed.

Joseph also provided his father

and his brothers

and all his father's household

with food

according to the number

of their children.

children,

this is the first sign I see

of no more favoritism.

You know,

as in the past,

maybe as part of the test,

you know,

Benjamin got five times as much

on some occasion.

But here,

apparently,

the rules are

no more favoritism.

We're providing

according to need,

not according to

who I think has treated me,

you know,

better or worse.

But,

imagine this.

The brothers

continue to wonder

if Joseph's forgiveness

of them

was really sincere.

Things look good.

But,

there was the possibility

that Joseph was waiting

until the death

of their father

to get even.

After all,

clearly,

Joseph loves

his father Jacob.

And,

if he was,

you know,

seeking revenge

or ready to punish them,

that would

almost certainly

cause distress

to father.

Well,

17 years

after they come

down to Egypt,

Jacob dies.

And,

might the brothers

be wondering,

ah,

will the other

shoe drop

now?

well,

we don't have to

speculate

if they were

worried about that

or not.

The text tells us.

And,

Genesis 50,

Genesis 50:15

verse 15,

and following.

Page 44,

and then,

the church bible,

I think the heading is,

God's good purposes.

verse 15,

when Joseph's brother

saw their father

was dead,

they said,

it may be that

Joseph will

hate us

and pay us back

for the evil

we did to him.

So,

they sent a message

to Joseph

saying,

your father

gave this command

before he died.

Well,

maybe he did,

but I think

the implication

is,

probably

not.

Say to Joseph,

please forgive

the transgressions

of your brothers

and their sin

because of the evil

they did you.

And now,

please forgive

the transgression

of the servants

of the God

of your father.

Joseph

wept.

my guess is

that whether

he had known

that his brothers

might have this worry

or not,

it's clear now

and he

has sorrow

that that lack

of trust,

you know,

their fear

that his forgiveness

was insincere

has been

percolating

all this time.

Joseph

wept

when they

spoke to him.

His brothers

also came

and fell down

before him

and said,

behold,

we are your servants.

Now,

as I read

the next

few verses,

I want you

to ask yourselves,

does this sound

familiar?

But Joseph

said to them,

do not fear,

for am I

in the place

of God

as for you,

you meant

evil against me,

but God

meant it

for good

to bring

about

that many

people

should be

kept alive

as they

are today.

So do not

fear,

I will

provide for

you and

your little

ones.

Thus

he comforted

them

and spoke

kindly

to them.

Almost

everything

that he

says there,

he said

before,

17

years ago.

Did the

brothers

believe

it

then?

Maybe,

maybe to

some degree.

But,

17

years later,

dad's

dead,

circumstances

are different.

And that

will happen

in our

relationships.

We may

be building

trust,

and then

some new

situation

develops,

and you

wonder,

on either

side,

you know,

what will

happen now?

They said

this,

they said

they'd never

do it

again,

but will

they?

He said,

I was

really

forgiven,

but has

he really

forgiven me?

Or will

he trust

me in

this

situation?

And

relationships

like life

is always

a process.

we can

sin

and go

backwards,

or by

God's

grace,

we can

be

gracious,

no guarantee

what the

other person

will do,

never any

guarantee.

But,

when God

is at

work,

you have

a story

that ends,

like the

story of

Joseph

and his

brothers.

When,

by God's

grace,

both

parties

repent

and

forgive,

and work

hard to

rebuild

trust.

And,

that's what

we want,

isn't it?

We want

relationships

relationships where

we feel

loved and

safe,

and where

we are a

blessing to

others.

But,

it's not going

to be like

that all

the time.

Relationships do

get damaged.

We are

sinners.

They're

sinners.

What do

you expect?

God is

God.

And,

he is

at work

in all

things for

the good

of those

who are

called

according to

his

purpose.

And,

he can

restore those

relationships

to make

them better

than they

ever were

before.

No

guarantee,

but God

is able.

May we

take the

steps that

God wants

us to

take.

And,

one more

thing before

I,

one more

thing.

And,

that is

that this

is not

only important

for us

and those

we're in

relationship

with,

but it's

important for

God's work

in the world,

for evangelism.

John 17

23.

Jesus is

praying to

the Father.

And,

he's speaking

of believers

in him.

And,

says this,

praise this,

may they

be brought

to complete

unity

to let

the world

know that

you sent

me.

To let

the world

know that

you sent

me.

and have

loved them

even as

you have

loved me.

As we

present the

gospel,

part of the

power that

the gospel

will have

in convincing

people of

its truth

is the

lives of

God's

people.

God's

love.

So,

as the

Bible says,

may we

make every

effort to

preserve the

unity of the

spirit and

the bond

of peace.

peace.

My

presentation

is done.

Questions?

Comments?

Can you

say something

about

consequences?

I could.

Would you

like to say

something about

consequences?

And,

I don't

that's

fine.

That's

fine.

I'm not

going to

twist your

arm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That continue

the ramifications

of

choices that

we make.

Yes.

That go

out with

consequences.

Yes.

Okay.

So,

you know,

we've looked

at the story

of Joseph

and his

brothers.

One story.

And,

it's unusual

because,

again,

of the

power

difference.

Often,

in

relationships,

there are

significant

power

differences,

but rarely

are they

as extreme

as the

case of

Joseph and

his

brothers.

But,

yes,

so,

Larry,

you know,

I think if

I were

Larry's

dad,

no,

I would

not let

him use

the car

three weeks

after the

first

accident,

there would

be these

consequences.

And,

you might

say,

what caused

Larry to

do this

to begin

with?

Well,

if three

months later,

you know,

on the fourth

time that

Larry's been

able to use

the new

family car

again,

if he's

arrested for

drunk driving,

you know,

dad might

say,

you know,

you can't

use a

family car

again.

You know,

if you want

a car to

drive,

you're going

to have

to buy

your own,

pay your

own insurance,

you know.

So,

yes,

there are

consequences

for sin.

So,

you might

say,

yeah,

okay,

let me

stop there.

It seems

like,

too,

there could

be processes,

right,

where the

father sets

up conditions

of rebuilding

trust.

You can

drive with

me in the

car next

time.

You can

drive for

next year

as long as

you don't

have any

passengers,

because that

was part of

the problem.

Right?

And if you

can keep to

these things,

you're building

trust.

And then

down the

road,

sure,

you can

pick the

car again.

So,

to think

through,

part of

what the

rebuilding

trust can

do is

to give

opportunities,

you know,

from the

one who

is sort

of the

offended

party in

this,

to say,

I'm going

to give

you some

opportunities

to build

trust.

But a

recognition,

the consequences

are,

if you

don't

follow

through

in

these

cases,

then we

go back

to zero.

You know,

then the

trust isn't

being built,

and therefore

you're back

to you

can't use

the car

at all,

potentially,

right?

I mean,

those are

some of

the consequences.

And then

the family

name gets

besmirched

if it

gets put

in the

paper.

And if

he's

arrested,

you know,

yeah,

it's going

to,

everyone

will know,

and there's

all kinds

of tentacles

that go

out.

Sin is a

horrible

thing.

No

getting

around that.

And I

guess I

just want

to say

this.

there are

those

consequences,

there are

those

tentacles,

and then

there's

God's

forgiveness

of us.

The

personal

debt is

canceled

with God's

forgiveness,

but more

often than

not,

we continue

to,

in this

fallen world,

as fallen

people suffer

the results

of our

actions.

Yeah,

I mean,

I think

we can

see,

maybe

most

clearly,

God's

relationship

with us,

like,

he completely

forgives us

through Christ.

He doesn't,

he's not,

you know,

just about

to,

like,

try and

get even

with us,

but he

does discipline

us,

and he

does,

you know,

he does

let us,

and I

think

sometimes

people have

trouble with

that when

they're still

experiencing the

consequences of

their sin,

and they

think,

well,

God must

hate me,

and he

must just

be trying

to get rid

of me,

and it's

like,

no,

actually,

he's a

good father,

he's

disciplining

you,

and he

has,

you know,

he has

really

forgiven us

when we

repented,

and at

the same

time,

we'll

still

experience

consequences

of our

sin in

this life.

We won't

experience

consequences

of our

sin in

hell,

like,

he's

taken that

away.

But,

I think

also a

biblical idea

that sort

of connects

with this

is the

idea of

restitution.

So,

in some

of the

Old

Testament,

you know,

if you

steal something

from somebody,

you have to

make it

right by,

you know,

you steal

their cow

or ox

or whatever,

and you

have to

replace it

plus some

extra.

As a way

of showing,

like,

I do

really repent,

and I really

want to make

right what's

been wrong.

And I don't

think we're,

I mean,

I think some

situations are

so broken

that we're

not even

really able

to make

right what's

been wrong

fully.

You know,

when somebody

gets hurt or

killed,

like,

there's not

really a way

that you

can fix

that,

but I

still think

this idea

of how

do I,

thinking,

like,

what's the

wrong that

I've

committed,

and what

would it

mean to

sort of

make restitution

in the sense

of,

like,

how can I

help make

things,

do what I

can to help

make things

right?

You know,

it's more

than just

saying I'm

really sorry

for what I

did,

then we'll

do it

again,

but going

to the next

of a thing,

and I really

want to,

attribute to

something good

and healthy

rather than

so,

under my

copy of the

head,

though,

where it

says repentance

includes,

I don't

see restitution

there,

so I'm

writing it

to think

about,

because,

as Pastor

Greg is

suggesting,

or what

he's suggesting,

I would

say,

fits into

real repentance,

repentance,

repentance,

repentance,

repentance,

yeah,

let us

pray,

Lord,

we praise

you because

you are the

great God

who can

and does

use

our

evil

actions,

for good,

for good.

We rejoice

that

nothing is

too hard

for you.

You are

the one

who raises

the dead.

May we

be encouraged

to follow

you.

Enable us,

Lord,

to do what

you want

us to do,

that your

goodness and

love and

glory may

shine through

our lives.

Amen.

Amen.

爱

worthy.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

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