Pornography

All right, good morning everyone.

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

And we are back to our class on gender and sexuality and dealing with a challenging topic

this morning.

So just to set the background, if you haven't been in this class, we have considered God's

design for our bodies and for us being male and female and for how we relate to each other

and for what God's design is for gender and sexuality in the context of the Christian story,

right?

That we're created by God, yet we're fallen and corrupted by sin and Christ has come to

redeem us.

And we live in between, so we live sort of in between three parts of the, well, in all

parts of the story, right, because we are made by God and that's still true that we're

made in his image.

And yet we are still, we still experience the effects of sin and the indwelling sin, even

as believers.

But Christ has forgiven us and set us free and begun to sanctify us, begun to make us more

like Christ, and yet we look forward to that hope of glory.

And so this whole class is how do we live, how do we face the challenging realities of

this complicated, confusing, sometimes dark world?

So we have considered homosexuality, we've considered transgender identity.

Today we will address pornography, and next week we will address sexual abuse and assault.

These are not easy topics to teach on.

This was not an easy lesson to prepare.

But I think it's important for the church to address for several reasons.

We, you know, I think the topics we've previously addressed, the church needs to speak to the

questions that we spoke to earlier in November about homosexuality and transgender identity,

or sort of rejecting one's God-given maleness or femaleness because, partly because, those sins

are increasingly celebrated in our society.

And even though they are rejecting God's good and beautiful design for us.

But pornography is a far more prevalent phenomenon.

The percentages are far larger.

And I think if the church only addresses things like homosexuality and transgender identity and

remain silent about pornography or about sexual abuse and assault, I think people could rightly

look at the church and say, aren't you being a little hypocritical here?

Because aren't there more of your members who are addicted to pornography or engaging in

pornography than engaging in the previous two topics?

So, but even more, even more than sort of avoiding the charge of hypocrisy, I think we need to

care for one another, right?

And we need to talk about hard topics that affect us.

Many believers are engaged in, tempted by, exploited by, or otherwise harmed by this sin.

But, I want, as we go through this lesson, I want to keep in mind what Paul says in Ephesians 5.

He says, take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

And then, in the next verse, he says, for it is shameful even to speak of the things that

they do in secret.

So, Paul says two things.

We're to expose that is sort of clearly point out and frankly warn against the pervasiveness

of pornography and its harmful effects.

And at the same time, we want to avoid sort of speaking of the things that people do in

secret, right?

Giving unnecessary details that would stir up ungodly curiosity or ungodly imaginations or

shame.

So, before I go on, let me pray for us that the Lord would help us to do these things.

Father, we thank you for this morning and we thank you for how you speak to us in your

word and how you are frank and truthful and honest with us.

We thank you, Lord, for how your word calls a spade a spade and calls sin what it is.

And yet, we thank you for the hope that we have in Christ.

We thank you for the hope of forgiveness, the promise of forgiveness of our sins, the hope

of being released from the power of sin through the power of the Holy Spirit coming to dwell

in us.

We thank you, Lord, for the hope of healing from our brokenness that we look forward to

experiencing in full when we see you face to face, but that we can experience in part

now.

We pray that you'd help us as we look at this challenging topic.

Lord, we pray that you would help us to be edified and equipped by this lesson.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.

Okay, so I want to look at this under a few headings.

First, what is pornography?

And where does the Bible speak to it, right?

The Bible obviously doesn't use the word pornography.

But first, what is it?

Second, a little bit about the history of it and sort of current pervasiveness of it.

Third, the effects of pornography.

And fourth, sort of more practically, what does mercy and hope and healing look like through

Christ for different groups of people who are affected by it in different ways.

So defining pornography, legal scholars have sort of debated this.

There was a famous Supreme Court ruling where the Supreme Court justice said, I don't really

have a definition for it, but I know it when I see it.

Okay, fair enough.

But I think there actually is a helpful definition from a Christian standpoint.

Right.

Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners

in order to display them deliberately to third parties.

And I think that definition is helpful because it reminds us of God's design for sexual intimacy,

that it be shared and delighted in by husband and wife within the safety and exclusivity of

the marriage covenant.

So if you look at Song of Songs, the imagery of Song of Songs confirms that in some of the

imagery that's used of the husband and wife's bodies, right?

They're represented as a locked garden, a walled city, or my own vineyard not to be shared with

others, right?

So those are some images that Song of Songs uses for sort of godly sexual intimacy between

husband and wife.

And it's sort of in this safe, secure, contained, covenantal relationship not to be put on display

before others.

So I think by removing sexual acts from their proper context and putting them on display

before the world, pornography inherently violates God's good design for marriage and sexuality.

So I think it's not only sort of the subjective effects of pornography that are problematic,

like pornography, you know, sometimes Christians start with pornography saying pornography stirs

up lust, that's why it's wrong.

True, that's very true.

But I think inherently in sort of taking sexual intimacy out of that safe and secure context

of a covenantal marriage, that's already violating God's good design.

Even regardless of the effects it has on other people, right?

And then those effects sort of carry that violation even further.

So it says it offends against chastity because it perverts the intimate giving of spouses

to each other.

It injures the dignity of its participants since each one becomes an object of base pleasure

and illicit profit for others.

It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world.

We'll look at more of that in some of the part three in the effects of pornography.

Now, let me take a moment to speak to the issue of masturbation because that normally goes

along with pornography.

Again, the practice of masturbation or self-simulation promotes an inherently self-centered approach

to sexual gratification, which again, what's God's design for sexual pleasure and sexual

union?

Well, it involves two people and involves a husband and wife who are biologically different

from one another, right?

And yet are being united together as a picture of the union of Christ and his people being

united together forever, right?

That's God's design.

But masturbation doesn't train or prepare anyone to exercise sexual self-control or to prioritize

love for one's spouse even above one's own desires.

It doesn't promote a vision of sexual gratification that involves another person and that involves

sort of loving and prioritizing and valuing another person who is different than yourself,

right?

So again, there's something where there's not one biblical verse that you can quote that

says, do not, thou shalt not masturbate.

But if you think about what is it, it is, again, sort of stepping outside of God's design

sort of by removing sexual intimacy from the relationship of a husband and wife whose bodies,

lives, and resources all belong to each other.

And it's sort of isolating it and putting it in this sort of secret and self-centered place.

So how does the New Testament speak to these things?

Well, the New Testament warns consistently, clearly, and strongly against stirring up lust

and engaging in impurity.

So we see that in Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Lustful intent is the ESV translation.

The idea there is that one could be tempted.

Temptation is not sin.

But lustful intent is sort of carrying, sort of, you know, staying there or taking that a step further, right?

It's sort of engaging in that lust instead of sort of resisting it and fixing our eyes on Christ.

Paul's teaching sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you.

Paul frequently lists impurity or sensuality along with sexual immorality in several places in his letters.

Sexual immorality primarily refers to sexual acts with another person.

But impurity and sensuality refer to a wider range of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors

and would include engaging in pornography or masturbation.

So that's sort of the big picture of what it is and sort of how the Bible speaks to it generally.

Now, a little bit about the history and pervasiveness of current pervasiveness of pornography.

The English word pornography is derived from the Greek word pornea, which is translated sexual immorality.

That's the word Paul uses.

And graphe, which is to write down or to depict something.

And it's not an exclusively modern phenomenon.

Sexually explicit paintings, sculptures, and writings were produced in all kinds of ancient societies thousands of years ago.

So in ancient Rome, around the time the New Testament was written, when Paul was writing his letter to the Romans,

these sort of erotic depictions were prominently displayed in pagan temples on the streets.

They were literally like advertisements indicating the way to the prostitution district.

Sort of graphic billboards, as you might think.

In the public baths, often sort of as a form of comic entertainment.

And in homes, right?

Sometimes as a decoration or good luck charms.

You'd walk into somebody's house, and you might see this sort of pretty graphic picture, painting, or whatever.

So ours is not the first society where sexually explicit material seems to be almost everywhere.

The world of the New Testament, Rome, Corinth especially, Paul was writing to people in societies, in some ways like our own, right?

Who were sort of, it's all around you.

It's in the water.

I think the major difference today is the internet.

Before the internet, yes, magazines, but the internet has made pornography more easily, widely, and privately accessible than ever before.

And just some statistics here.

If you're not familiar with these statistics, they can be pretty staggering.

30% of data transferred on the internet is pornography.

Pornography sites get more visits each month than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined.

Consumers spend $260 million each day on online pornography, even though there is so much that is available for free that you would think,

why would anyone pay for it?

But huge amounts of money.

Are spent.

And the amount of users is increasing from 2006 to 2016.

It went from about 58 million Americans visiting porn sites each month to 107 million.

And there's only 285 million Americans.

I put age 10 and above.

So that's a solid 40%.

Is that right?

Yes.

Women are increasingly consumers of pornography as well.

Approximately 80% of the consumers of Fifty Shades of Grey were women.

According to Covenant Eyes, 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women admit to watching pornography at least once a month.

Now, there are lots of surveys out there.

You'll find different statistics.

Some might be minimizing.

Some might be over-inflating.

I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, anyway, this, this statistic is somewhere in the middle.

Um, the percentages tend to be higher with, among younger people.

Um, but it's pretty pervasive.

Um, so, uh, how do we interpret that?

Well, the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 1, uh, I think a sobering passage that is relevant to this and, and, and other things.

So, he wrote, claiming to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

All right, now Paul's talking about ancient forms of idolatry, but does it not apply to images resembling mortal man?

And then, what does it say?

Um, therefore God gave them up in the lust of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves,

because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the creator.

So, Romans 1 would indicate that the increasing pervasiveness of pornography, as well as all the other sexual sins that we've discussed in this class,

is a sobering sign of God's wrath against our society.

That is God giving us over to our own corrupt inclinations and their destructive consequences,

because we've chosen to worship ourselves and other created things.

That's a sobering reality if we take that seriously.

I don't think we take that seriously enough.

The effects of pornography.

I want to talk, sort of, how does pornography sort of affect our relationships in particular?

Um, uh, the effects of pornography are increasingly recognized even by people outside the church.

Um, this section I've taken from an article by a Christian counselor, uh, and he, that I thought was quite insightful.

He describes six relational attitudes that pornography commonly fosters, especially in habitual users.

And each of these qualities is also confirmed by scientific studies.

Uh, many of these, uh, there's a, there's, um, uh, a website called Fight the New Drug, uh, which basically talks about, um,

and the new drug is pornography, um, that's talking about.

Um, and it has a lot of, sort of, scientific and research-based information about, um, the effects of pornography.

And so, uh, here are six, um, uh, sort of attitudes that pornography fosters, uh, according, uh, both according to this Christian counselor

and according to, uh, some of these scientific studies.

Uh, first, um, a, a desire to control, right?

Again, uh, pornography does not foster, uh, sort of an actual relationship with another person who will talk back to you,

um, uh, uh, or, or sort of have a, have a back-and-forth conversation.

Pornography is a non-mutual relationship alone with imagery.

There's no one else to satisfy, no one else to consider.

You get to control the entire scene.

And this fosters or creates an innate selfishness and an unconscious desire for absolute control over intimate relationship.

Uh, a scientific study found that pornography use correlated with narcissism, right?

Uh, narcissism or sort of, uh, uh, extreme self-centeredness.

Um, uh, second, um, objectification.

Um, you know, this is something that's been discussed, uh, that many people discuss, uh, uh, pornography objectifies women in particular.

Um, but, uh, right, the, the, the pattern of sort of, uh, well, I'll just read the quote.

The addict over the years is looking at thousands upon thousands of images.

The unknown bodies have no names or stories and have become means to an end.

After they no longer serve a purpose, they are cheaply discarded.

This causes people to chronically jump from relationship to relationship, just like clicking from image to image,

looking for perfection and completion in a person.

Um, and, uh, in some surveys, uh, many, many people sort of begin with, um, what are seen as sort of, uh, soft core images or less, or maybe less, less, uh, uh, well, it's people go from, um, uh, maybe more normal.

All kinds of images that people might think and then go to increasingly violent or increasingly deviant, um, forms of pornography.

Uh, it's sort of, it's a, it's a hunger that's not satisfied.

Um, uh, so that's, that's, that's a common pattern.

Uh, third, uh, third thing, um, that pornography use fosters is sort of a, a, uh, speed or, or very rapid, uh, pace.

Um, the rapid pace of relationships comes to resemble the quick climax of intensity around pornography.

Uh, the, not, the thrill of not getting exposed, uh, an urgency for consummation, ultimately an abrupt and inevitable ending normally with shame attached.

And so, um, again, there's studies that say people who have consumed a significant amount of pornography are more likely to start having sex sooner with more partners to engage in riskier kinds of sex that put them at greater risk of getting infections and to have actually contracted a sexually transmitted infection.

Fourth quality, hunger.

Um, this is sort of, uh, uh, sort of a frantic need that must be filled by the other.

Um, and, uh, this category shows itself in codependent relationships where both parties become enmeshed.

Uh, the hunger drives them to consume rather than delight in the other.

Um, and, and again, often sort of relationships that, that are very emotionally intense and sort of highly, um, uh, uh, physically and emotionally intimate from the beginning don't last very long.

Right?

And so it sort of leads to these, these patterns, um, and, uh, pornography sort of, uh, fosters, um, sort of pushes us in that direction.

Um, one of the, uh, studies, so there was a meta-analysis of 22 studies from seven different countries that concluded that pornography use was associated with verbal and physical sexual aggression, uh, in the United States.

In the United States and internationally among males and females and in cross-sectional and basically across the board.

Um, uh, uh, that, uh, uh, pornography sort of fosters, um, verbal or physical, uh, aggression, um, and violence.

Fifth, isolation.

Um, we learn our sexuality behind closed doors and in the dim light of the computer screen our sexuality remains hidden even from ourselves.

We come to protect this isolation as some type of sacred space and even the thought of inviting another human in feels threatening and disruptive.

The isolation fuels the secret life and separates us from the loving relationships that we most need.

And so interestingly, though, um, some studies indicate that pornography use fosters sort of early, you know, earlier, more intense, um, and more, you know, more kinds of sexual relationships.

In other cases, people find that they lack sexual desire for any other human being at all.

Um, and aren't even attracted to their husband, wife, or partner, uh, anymore.

Um, though they can still respond to porn.

Um, uh, again, it sort of twists, twists us in all these kinds of ways.

Uh, last, fantasy.

Right?

Fantasy is an escape from what is real.

Whether it be difficult emotions such as stress, anxiety, or depression, or just the pain that genuine relationship inevitably brings, fantasy relieves those struggles for a moment.

While healthy relationships live in the truth, pornography helps bolster a life of fantasy that is difficult to undo.

Fantasy brings relief, but does not bring restoration.

Uh, and there's research on the brain.

Uh, pornography stimulates the same areas of the brain as addictive drugs, making the brain release the same chemicals.

And just like drugs, porn triggers pathways in the brain that cause craving, leading users back for more and more extreme hits to get highs.

These are only some of the, sort of, I focus on some of the effects of pornography on relationships.

Um, there are many other effects.

Uh, pornography use has contributed to many marital crises.

It's a factor in the majority of divorces in the United States today.

Uh, the industry also exploits children and women, subjecting them to violence, harassment, degradation, and sexually transmitted infections.

Um, which are much higher among, uh, rates of which are much higher among, uh, pornographic actors.

So, um, this is heavy stuff.

But, what does, how does Christ offer us mercy, healing, and hope?

Let me, uh, speak to sort of three broad categories of people.

Um, and there are many, uh, subcategories here.

But, broadly, if you are tempted by, or engaged in, or addicted to pornography,

let me challenge you, uh, with some encouragements and next steps.

First, don't try to fight this battle on your own.

Get help from brothers or sisters in Christ.

Um, you are certainly not alone.

And, uh, don't, don't, don't, you know, in general, whenever we're fighting, you know, significant spiritual battles,

uh, you know, Paul uses the image of the armor of God, right?

Clothe yourself with the armor of God, right?

A seal of faith, belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness.

And we think of the, you know, okay, I need to put on the armor of God today and sort of go into the spiritual battle.

But what was Paul's image?

Paul's image was the Roman army.

And you know how they marched into battle?

Side by side with their shields right next to each other.

And they would be a wall.

And they'd have their shields in front.

And then the guys in back would have their shields on top.

So they'd have a wall and a ceiling protecting them all.

And they'd be marching into battle side by side.

That's what Paul's talking about when he talks about put on the full armor of God.

He doesn't just, he doesn't only mean pray every morning and when, before you begin your day.

But he means be walking side by side with your fellow believers to fight whatever spiritual battles you're fighting.

So practically put filtering or accountability software on your computer or on smartphone if you haven't done that already.

None of those are foolproof.

But they can be helpful because it's one more thing that will sort of maybe hinder you from running down the road and going down a bad way.

Right?

Get accountability from people who will both encourage and challenge you.

And this is a challenge.

I would want to challenge you.

Beware of getting accountability only from people who struggle and fall just like you do.

Sometimes, especially young guys who are struggling with pornography,

share their struggle with another young guy who's also struggling with pornography

and not struggling so much as failing.

And so you have someone who understands you and maybe who's going to be compassionate.

But sometimes, you've actually got somebody who is too compassionate.

And they're not going to kick your butt enough.

And sometimes, you need to go to somebody who's maybe older than you or who maybe doesn't struggle with it,

but who's a mature and wise Christian and who's going to be like,

status quo ain't going to be good for the long run.

We've got to make a dent in this.

Right?

We've got to figure out what we need to do by the power of Christ.

Right?

The best kind of accountability embodies the steadfast love of God the Father,

the unwavering call to holiness in Christ,

and the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit to lead us along that road.

Because this sin is so pervasive, it should not be an off-limits topic in the Christian community generally.

Partly why I'm teaching this session.

Because we need to put the issue on the table

and not have it be a topic that's like, oh, well, hush, hush.

Okay, if you struggle with it, then you can tell me, but I'm not going to ever ask you.

If you have a close Christian friendship with another person of the same sex,

you know, it's not an unreasonable question to ask.

How are you doing in, you know, sexual purity?

Or, you know, whether you're single, whether you're married.

We should be asking each other about sexual integrity in general and pornography in particular.

You know, again, not sort of exclusively focusing on this issue.

I mean, to, and ignoring other issues.

We can also ask each other, how are you, you know,

how are you seeking to, you know, use your money and resources to glorify God, right?

That's another topic we don't like to talk about.

We don't like to talk about money either, right?

But Paul warns, again, sexual immorality and greed.

And he says they're idolatrous, right?

So, again, how do we encourage one another and help each other?

For some people, this has become not just a sort of a struggle and a temptation that is occasionally fallen into,

but more an addiction.

And there are various resources.

There are sex addiction recovery groups.

There are Christian support groups in the local area.

There are specialized Christian counseling resources.

If you are not sure what would, what, if you're not sure what you need,

and if you've tried sort of accountability with just brothers and sisters in Christ,

and that is not, and you're like, man, I need more than this.

I need help.

Like, I think this is just, it's deep and it's bigger than I can handle.

Come talk to one of the pastors.

And we can, you know, connect you with somebody or sort of help you figure out maybe what a next step might be for you.

Make it your primary goal to pursue Christ rather than making your primary goal to resist porn.

The first includes the second.

The second doesn't necessarily include the first.

But Christ is infinitely more satisfying than porn,

and his grace is sufficient for each day and for every trial we face.

You need to not just ask yourself, what do I need to resist?

But you also need to ask yourself, what do I need to embrace?

Right?

What do I need to pursue positively?

Whether that's, you know, growing in your prayer life and in your time in the Word,

whether that's pursuing Christian friendship,

whether that's moving out of your studio apartment and looking for a group of other Christians

who you can live in an apartment with.

That can be a very practical thing.

Whatever, you know, make it your primary goal to pursue Christ

and look at his greatness.

I think, right, so we shouldn't be looking at our,

we shouldn't spend more time gazing at our sin

than we're spending gazing upon the face of Christ.

Right?

And when we look at our sin, and yes, we need to look at our sin

and see it for all its ugliness,

and that's what we've done partly in the first part of this lesson,

but we need to look at the glory of Christ

because he is matchless and he is majestic and he's awesome

and he's far more captivating.

So how can you actively be fixing your eyes on Christ?

Next, just practical things.

Be truthful with your spouse or your girlfriend or boyfriend if you're dating

about your sin and or struggle in this area.

It may be painful and terrifying to willingly bring this into the light now,

but it will be worse if you wait until later or if it comes to light unintentionally.

Also, marriage does not automatically fix a single person's pornography habit.

Okay?

That is sometimes a reason people say,

well, I'm not going to tell my girlfriend

because when we get married, this will be fixed.

Bad thinking.

Right?

There are many seasons of marriage that call for sexual self-control

and sexual satisfaction within marriage,

again, only happens in the context of intentionally, comprehensively,

and self-sacrificially loving another person,

which is exactly the opposite of what pornography and masturbation are training you to do.

So, bring it into the light now,

and in the context of doing these other things,

to seek the help of Christ.

Don't, along that line,

don't make your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend

the only person who knows about it.

That is putting way too much of a burden on them.

They are not, they should not be your only accountability partner.

That's foolish.

And unloving.

You need to seek some other accountability

with other Christians of the same sex

that will help you and be a blessing

to your wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend.

A deeper thing.

These are lots of things.

You may not be able to do these all at once.

Start with some of them,

but I'm trying to give you a lot of things

that maybe you haven't thought of.

Because some of you have probably tried some of these things,

but I want to challenge you to,

that there are other things,

and sometimes people are like,

I've tried everything I can do,

and it isn't working,

and I'm stuck.

And I think sometimes,

okay, you've tried everything you can see,

but there's probably some deeper things

and broader things.

Hopefully this might give you some ideas.

All right.

Examine the underlying motives

and broader life patterns

that drive you toward pornography

rather than focusing only on behavior modification.

So this is a longer, deeper thing.

But this is often a longer process

because we don't always know why we do what we do.

Right?

I don't even know what I'm feeling

at most moments in my life

because I'm a guy.

Okay?

My wife always knows what she's feeling

at every moment of the day.

She said,

it's just like having a physical body.

Of course I know what I'm feeling.

It's like I know that,

and she might know what I'm feeling.

Exactly right.

So she's very helpful to me.

But I need to be intentional about saying,

why am I feeling frustrated or angry or tired?

Do I just need to sleep?

Or is something really bothering me

that I haven't brought to the surface

and I need to deal with that?

But examining our underlying motives,

what drives me towards this?

So one way to begin this process

would be consider those six qualities

in the article.

Do any of those ring a bell?

Right?

Sorry for control.

Objectifying others.

Sort of impatience.

Wanting everything to go very fast

and quickly

and not liking any uncertainty

or slowness.

Sort of a frantic need

for another person

or isolation

or fantasizing.

Right?

Now, some of those might

ring more true

in one person's life

than another.

Right?

I'm not saying everybody's experiencing

all six.

But then,

say, okay,

one or two of those

really seem to hit home for me.

What's going on there?

Like,

I'm fantasizing a lot.

How can I be turning to Christ

when I'm tempted to fantasize?

Or,

how can I be engaging

in Christian community

when I'm tempted to isolate?

You know,

Psalm 103.6 says,

God satisfies our desires

with good things.

So,

what are the good things

that God has provided

for our legitimate desires

to either be satisfied

or just to be

put on the altar

before the Lord?

And to say,

God,

I have some unfulfilled desires

and

there isn't any

righteous way for me

to have those

met right now.

But,

I want to lay them

before you

and offer them to you

as a sacrifice

and look at the sacrifice

that you made for me

on the cross

and be empowered by that

and

draw near to you

in

my suffering

and in my longing.

His article also lists

sort of corresponding virtues

instead of control,

freedom,

instead of objectification,

honor,

instead of

speed,

patience,

instead of hunger,

desire,

instead of

isolation,

communion,

instead of

fantasizing authenticity.

So,

I think that's

helpful food for thought.

Or,

another

way to begin this process,

so,

in Tim Chester's book,

he talks about

the most common reasons

why people

watch pornography.

And I won't be able

to remember them

off the top of my head,

but their

boredom,

frustration,

depression,

anxiety,

you know,

there's various reasons.

And sort of asking,

like,

what is it for me

that sort of

drives me there?

For some people,

it's being angry,

you know,

for,

there was

one example

where,

for one guy,

it was like,

he was angry at God

because he was 30-something

and he wasn't married.

And he really wanted

to be married

and he felt like

God had done him wrong

by not giving him a spouse.

And so,

when he really started

dwelling on that,

that's what brought him

over there.

And so,

he didn't just need

to focus on controlling

his lust,

he needed to deal with

why am I,

why do I feel like

I'm entitled to something

that God hasn't given me?

And how do I need

to change my thinking

and reject that lie

and embrace the truth

that,

first of all,

God doesn't owe me anything

and,

second of all,

you know,

in Christ he's given me

all that I need.

Anyway,

so,

sometimes there's

deeper things going on.

These are good conversation

topics to pursue

with someone

who knows you well

or a wise older Christian.

Also,

pray for real people.

Here's something practical

to do

that is not about yourself.

Pray for real people

who are directly harmed

in the production

of pornography.

Children whose bodies

are exploited,

women who are pressured

into violent

and degrading acts

or who have come

to believe

that such acts

are just fine,

normal and healthy.

Producers and advertisers

whose livelihoods

are enmeshed

in wickedness.

Learn about the connection

of the pornography industry

to global sex trafficking.

There is a connection.

Consider how you can help

people who are seeking

to recover

from the damage

that has been inflicted

on them.

If you make a habit

of praying

for people every day,

that might also

have a beneficial effect

when you're tempted

to sort of

be part of

an exploitative industry.

Right?

That's another angle.

There's books we can read.

All right.

Let me speak briefly

to those who have been

hurt by your spouse's

pornography use.

And let me begin

by saying the last thing

in this list is

the pastors and elders

recognize that these

situations are often

complex and a general

statement of this kind

cannot address

every specific circumstance.

However,

we are always available

for counsel and prayer.

Just a few things.

You have been deeply

hurt and wronged.

You may feel betrayed,

deceived,

or even traumatized.

You may experience

emotional,

physical,

and or psychological

effects.

All of those things

are normal.

Anger at your spouse

is natural.

It is often warranted,

and it may persist

for quite some time.

A wise mentor

or trustworthy counselor

can help you process

strong emotions

and pursue a path

of wisdom

and resist temptations

to either trivialize

the problem

or to harbor

a bitter and vengeful

spirit.

Christ can heal

your wounds.

He knows the feeling

of betrayal,

but healing

often takes time,

particularly where

it's gone on

for a long time

and it's involved

deception.

Healing often takes

years rather than

months or days.

God wants to heal

your marriage,

however your spouse

may or may not

want to seek help.

The encouragement

and trusting hope

of a spouse

can be a great

source of strength

for one who is

struggling to be pure.

If your spouse

is in denial

or rejects help,

the church is here

for you and there

are also support

groups and counselors

for spouses

of addicted persons.

Finally,

for parents of

children and youth,

if you don't teach

your kids about porn,

the porn producers

will teach your kids

about porn for you.

According to a study

published in 2017

by the American

Psychological Association,

the average age of boys

first exposure

to pornography

was 13.

Other studies

have concluded

the average age

is as low as 11.

And that means

that half of children

are exposed,

or a large number

of children

are exposed

even younger

than the average.

60% of the young men

in the APA study

said that their

first exposure

was accidental

or forced.

Only 33% said

that they were

intentionally seeking

it out.

So just because

your child

is not seeking it out

does not mean

that they are not

vulnerable to it.

And I think

this applies

to every topic

we have discussed.

If you don't

discuss it

with your children,

then the world

will find plenty

of ways

to carry on

that conversation

with your children

independently.

And that's not,

let's not do that.

Some resources,

be careful

if you go online

and search for

resources about pornography.

pornography.

The pornography

companies are shrewd

and they notice.

And they like

to strategically

place ads

and draw people in.

So just beware of that.

There are some

resources I've listed here

which I want to

open it up for questions.

I'm not going to

read through these

but there's

several resources

for sort of

generally for men,

for women,

for spouses,

some science-based

resources,

some Christian-based

resources.

The book at the end

is a good way

to introduce

these topics

to your children.

Good pictures,

bad pictures.

There's some other books.

There's some books

on the book,

Saul,

that are children's books

that sort of

introduce God's design

for our bodies

in very positive ways

but also talk about

sort of protecting

our bodies

and minds.

So you can look

through those

and those can be

helpful ways

to introduce

the topic

to young children

without getting

unnecessarily graphic

or sort of

giving inappropriate

and unhelpful

level of detail.

All right.

Let me open it up

for questions

or comments.

Yes.

I was wondering

if you were looking

at me or behind me.

So this is 64%

admit, right?

So that means

the number's much higher

because most people,

you would think

most people don't

want to admit

to this problem, right?

Yeah,

so the survey numbers

are hard.

I mean,

now that survey

is conducted

by Covenant Eyes

which is one of the

companies that offers

accountability software

so you might also say,

well,

they probably have

more people in their orbit

who are actively,

you know,

dealing with pornography.

But the statistic is

admit to watching it

once a month,

at least once a month.

So if it's less

than once a month,

then you're not counted

in that list, right?

So the number of men

who have watched pornography

at one time or another

is above 90%.

It's not 100%,

but it is very high.

So,

what are we doing?

What are we doing?

Like,

what are we teaching

parents of young boys?

What are we,

like as a church,

as a body of Christ,

what are we doing

for discipleship?

This is something

that we've been talking

about a lot at home.

Like,

when a child

is baptized,

where's their mentor?

Who's assigned

to that child?

What are we doing

collectively

as a church

in America?

I mean,

I know it's

an international problem,

but what are we doing

to prevent that number?

That's a horrible number.

Yeah.

And for a young,

single woman

to know that basically

any of my options

of dating someone

is someone

who has a problem

with this,

you know?

Like,

that's a scary thought

for myself.

So what can we do

as women,

what can we do

as a body of Christ

to knock that number

out of the park?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

that's a good question.

And,

yeah,

that's a good question.

That's why we're

having this class.

Matt.

I think

this course

has been

absolutely tremendous.

The biggest criticism

I would have

so far

is that

under parents

you have so little.

And

I think

this is a huge issue

that

we need to

work through together

because there,

we may not have

a,

maybe there weren't

a lot of things

online,

you know,

or in books

for you to get

on this

because we haven't

wrestled with it too.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I,

a couple weeks ago

I addressed sort of

parents,

the importance of parents

teaching children

about sexuality

and gender

more broadly.

So I gave

some more detail

in that lesson.

I think

I would

also,

I mean,

I think that,

again,

this class is meant

to open,

this class is meant

to be the beginning

of conversations.

It is not meant

to be the last word

on everything.

So

take the opportunity

to

discuss that.

Again,

we've tried to put

some resources

on the book stall.

I should check

if good pictures,

bad pictures

is over there.

I'm not 100% sure

but we can get it

if we

need to.

Yeah.

I mean,

having,

having grandchildren

now and how

they raised our kids,

we didn't do it

perfectly and we were

probably seen as

very strict parents.

There were no

computers allowed

in their room.

There were no TVs

allowed in their room.

I mean,

yes,

we didn't deal

with the smartphone

issue but even

our kids weren't

allowed smartphones

until they were

in college.

So,

you know,

I mean,

we were very

strict and

what we watched.

We were very

vigilant on what

movies we allowed.

We did not

allow our kids

to go to our

rated movies.

We,

we didn't.

There's a whole

tip now of,

I mean,

you used to see

if a video store

opened up,

an adult video

or an adult toy

store,

there would be

protests outside

of it from a local

church or it was

too close to a school.

You don't see that

on the news anymore.

So,

but,

it's also correlated

with families

not going to

church anymore.

Families not

professing to be

Christians,

not even trying.

And,

well,

it's okay,

we'll handle it,

we'll talk about it

when it comes up.

So,

I mean,

even as much as

we do need to

parent as a church

and teach parents

how to deal with

this,

but we also need

to get people

back to Christ.

Yeah,

yeah.

Because if they

don't have it,

they don't see a

problem.

Yeah.

And even your

statistic in there

on Fifty Shades

of Grey

is a perfect

example of

women,

especially,

who have just

decided it's

okay,

it's not

harmful.

And the society

has embraced

that.

And I don't

know how many

of my secular

friends ask me,

so what do you

think of the book?

Because I read

like a book a week.

I'm an avid reader.

I'm like,

I refuse to read it.

Mm-hmm,

yep.

It's real life.

It's destructive.

It destroys people.

And they're like,

oh,

it's only a story.

And that's really

the base problem.

So I'll continue

to be a strict

parent and a

grandparent.

Yeah.

Because if I can

save my child

or my grandchild

from being harmed

like that,

I'll do what I

can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think,

yeah,

yeah.

No,

I think,

I mean,

I think there's

a broader issue

as parents

with how do

we sort of

govern our

children's access

technology,

right?

Like,

you know,

and,

I mean,

have,

you know,

do you,

have you,

you,

and there are

technologies out

there that you

can limit on a

phone or a

tablet,

like you,

you can limit

it to access

to certain

things.

I mean,

we don't,

you know,

we don't let

our,

you know,

if our kids

are watching

a movie,

it's in the

living room

or it's in,

you know,

we don't send

our kids up

to their room

with,

you know,

with,

with a phone

to play a

game,

right?

Like,

that's,

we don't offer

that that much

anyway.

But I think,

and I think

along with those,

I think along

with setting

wise boundaries,

it's also

sort of teaching,

I think we have

to start by

teaching our

kids what was

God's good

design in

making us male

and female,

in giving us

bodies,

and in

putting us

in this

world,

right?

Because just

setting boundaries

and trying to

say,

well,

I hope I

can protect

them from

encountering

this junk

out in the

world,

we have to

equip,

eventually children

are going to

grow up and

leave the house

and figure out

how they're going

to live their

lives.

So I think

we have to

begin by talking

about what is

God's good

design here?

What is beautiful

about God's

design?

Because when we

see what's

beautiful about

God's design,

then you see

how twisted

that the

world is.

And the

other things

don't become

quite so

attractive.

And also,

you know,

it's like,

you know,

when kids at

school start

talking about

these things,

oh,

well,

okay,

I know what

they're talking

about because

my dad

already talked

to me about

that,

right?

That's what I

want my kids

to,

you know,

that's,

we've already,

you know,

we've talked

to our kids

about all

these things.

So,

Laura?

Yeah,

this is something

that I think,

I think the

strict things

are great,

I mean,

our kids are

still very

young,

but just

from working

before with

kids and

you've like,

a mom,

you know,

like somebody

showed them

their kids

something,

you know,

like another

kid showed

them,

and someone

else saw

someone at

someone's

home by

accident.

Kids are

also going

to see it

no matter,

hopefully not,

but it's

very easy to

be seen no

matter how

strict we can

be.

So those

conversations

that if,

when,

or if this

happens,

like,

what to do

with that?

Right,

right.

If you see,

if you,

if,

you know,

if someone

shows you

something like

this,

come and talk

to,

you know,

mom or dad,

right?

Like,

that's important

to sort of

cultivate an

open channel

of communication

with all kinds

of things,

you know?

Not only,

you know,

not only

inappropriate

images,

but,

you know,

we want

our kids to,

we don't

cultivate our

kids talking

with us about

whatever they

may encounter

in the world

and,

and for us

to help them

grow in wisdom

and to protect

them from,

you know,

foolish,

and to not

foolishly expose

them unnecessarily

to things,

right?

So,

yeah.

Ivor.

When I was

working at

AT&T,

we had at

least five

guys who got

fired over

surfing,

at work.

Yeah.

And that's

usually when

people get

caught doing

something,

either at

work or

by their

spouses or

children in

some cases.

Yeah.

When they

seek help,

don't wait

for that.

Right.

Right.

Seek help.

Right.

Again,

it's that

pattern of

it's probably

didn't start

on the office

computer,

but it's,

it just

grows,

right?

So,

yeah.

be killing

sin or

it will

be killing

you,

right?

John Owen

said that

300 years

ago.

So,

you know,

we're,

yeah,

right?

We're either

sort of

actively fighting

against it

or it will

gradually tend

to balloon,

right?

Because it's

not something

that is,

that sort of

gets satisfied.

what's your

definition of

pornography

at the

beginning of

removing sexual

acts from the

intimacy of

partners for

the,

being played

for other

people?

How would

you distinguish

pornography from

like Song of

Solomon where we

see sexuality

being portrayed

artistically?

Yeah,

yeah.

I mean,

I think when you

read Song of

Solomon,

there's,

there's a lot

of imagery

and,

how would I

describe that?

So,

it celebrates

God's good

and beautiful

design,

right?

So,

we're not

saying that

your body's

dirty and

you need to

hide it and

not talk about

it and

I guess when

you get married

then you can

figure out what

to do with it.

That's not,

that's not,

that's not good.

That's not,

that's not God's,

that's not God's

good and beautiful

design,

right?

So,

Song of Solomon

sort of talks

about love

and,

and a sexually

intimate relationship

but it,

it's also not

voyeuristic,

right?

It's not something

that is sort of

inciting lust,

you know,

it's,

it's not

stirring up

sort of an

ungodly

kind of

curiosity

or shame.

I mean,

the most

difficult thing

about Song

of Solomon

for most

of us

is like

all the

imagery

is from

the ancient

world

and we

can't figure

out what

to do

with it,

right?

So,

part of it

we have to

figure out

like,

you know,

okay,

what does

this actually

mean?

but,

but I think

broadly speaking

I think

Song of Solomon

affirms that

there's a

right place

to celebrate,

you know,

and even in

that case

sort of

depict in

poetry,

right,

the love

and intimacy

between a

male and

female,

but it's

not,

it's not

in a way

that sort

of promotes

like impurity

or sensuality

and in fact

at the end

of the Song

of Solomon

it's like,

I mean,

throughout the

Song of Solomon

it's like,

don't awaken

love until

it so desires,

right?

You know,

at chapter 8

it's all about

be a wall,

right?

Don't be a

door opening

and,

you know,

like to open

to everybody.

No,

be a wall

like until

you get

married,

right?

So,

even the end

of Song of Solomon

sort of gives

that warning

against,

you know,

and it sort

of compares

itself to,

you know,

Solomon has

all his wives

and concubines

but I have

my one,

right?

My one is

better than

all of those,

right?

So,

it's promoting

sort of godly

ideals,

right?

Monogamy,

marriage,

sort of tender

intimacy between

husband and

wife.

So,

I don't think

that's the right

place to start

with teaching

children.

I think

that's not,

you know,

there was

probably some

wisdom in the

Jewish rabbinical

tradition that

said,

you know,

don't read

Song of Songs

until you're

an adult.

I don't know,

I wouldn't,

I'm not gonna,

that's not a law,

but there's

probably some

wisdom in there,

but I think it

can teach us,

sort of,

I think it can

give us a

positive example

of that.

So,

all right,

let me close

the prayer

when we need

to head

upstairs.

Thank you,

Lord,

for this

morning,

and we

pray that

you would

help us

as a church,

help us

to,

in teaching

our children,

help us

in strengthening

one another

to pursue

a life of

holiness in

this area

that gives

honor and

praise to

you.

We thank

you for

the redemptive

work of

Jesus Christ,

and we pray

that you would

continue that

work in our

lives and in

our marriages

and in our

relationships with

one another

in the church.

In Jesus'

name,

amen.