Spiritual Friendship James Shepherd

We live in a society today that has never been more connected than ever.

In the palm of my hands, I have access to over a thousand of my friends on Facebook

and hundreds of followers on Instagram.

And yet the repetitive conclusion from all of this

that we keep hearing from experts and doctors and psychologists

is that we are more than ever now lonely.

We've never been more lonely in the history of man than today.

In all our technological advancement, to become more connected with the world around us,

we've become less lonely.

With all this technological power at our disposal for making friends,

we are growing in our struggle to actually make deep and meaningful, intimate friendships.

Why?

I think there are a number of contributing factors to this going on in our world,

but there are two main ones.

Firstly, a growing individualism.

As a society, we've grown more and more individualistic and autonomous in the way we interact with the world.

Once upon a time, we had much more value in community itself.

Taking part in community life was important.

Volunteering for your local club was important.

Volunteering to ref or to help out at a weekend sport was seen as important as we engaged in the community.

And as we did engage in the community, as we settled down into a community and planted roots,

we allowed our friendships to flourish as we stayed and lingered.

However, sometime now, this communal culture has shifted and slowly faded out

to replace a more individualistic culture.

Most clubs, sports clubs particularly, are struggling to get volunteers now

to help run sports on the weekends.

And technology has allowed people to be more and more mobile these days.

People, or young people like myself, are refusing to settle down in one place

and desiring to move on, to look and step to travel and to explore,

to go where they desire to go.

There is a culture now of not wanting to settle down and invest in one place,

but rather to go from place to place where it suits the person.

They take new jobs in new places, in new cities, in new countries even.

And so the generations rising up are the ones now who have money

and truly the opportunity to go wherever they want to.

The world is their oyster.

And because of such, they are growing more and more individualistic.

But at what cost is this?

Friendship, for them, is no more than circumstance and interest, momentary.

And it's rarely given a chance to flourish,

as when their circumstance changes, their friendships have to change also.

And so whilst many young people enjoy an opportunity to go travel,

to work in different places, to work in different cities and countries,

they suffer as they lose their substantial and deep connections with their friends.

That's the first one.

And secondly, the romanticising of sexually committed relationships.

As a teenager growing up,

there are countless of teen dramas on TV every single night.

Shows like The O.C., One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl,

shows that your kids might have watched growing up.

For those of you who are a little bit older than I am,

there are shows like Degrassi High,

Beverly Hills, 90210.

And if you're a fan of the ABC,

there was a show called Heartbreak High on television that you might have watched.

Many of these shows have one underlying theme in them

that dominated the whole story,

and that was relationships.

Whether sexual, friendship, or family,

most of these stories follow the lives of young, attractive people

as they worked through the different complexities of teenage relationships.

With the story being developed around one particular relationship,

one that was sexual and romantic in nature,

and the journey us viewers would go on was to see whether or not this relationship would make it.

It would last.

Would they live happily ever after?

Would it end in disaster?

Why are we often so drawn in to these shows?

There's so many of these kinds of shows.

They all have the same type of storyline, the same theme,

and yet they're so popular.

Why are we so drawn in to the tumultuous love story of Ryan and Marissa in The O.C.?

What is it about Dan and Serena or Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl that keeps us watching?

These shows, they target something that we desperately all want for ourselves,

and that's to be loved, to enjoy intimacy,

to enjoy companionship,

to have a satisfying, special relationship that lasts.

And shows like this,

constantly bombarded by these shows like this,

would have us believe that this type of intimacy,

this type of love,

can only be found in those romantic, sexually committed relationships.

This ideal is perpetuated by not just our fictional TV shows,

but our reality ones as well.

As you all know, there are shows like The Bachelor out there,

Married at First Sight,

Farmer Wants a Wife.

These shows perpetuate this ideal romantic relationship to us.

And so constant exposure to all of these

is enough to make you think that the most fulfilling relationship

you could be in is a committed sexual relationship.

Friendship, then, is just reduced to a second-class form of relationship

that can't be as fulfilling as things like marriage

or sexual committed relationships.

And these contributing factors affect friendship in two different ways.

You see, individualism has removed the space for friendship altogether

and therefore for friendship to flourish

and become deep and meaningful for people.

And the romanticization of sexual relationships,

things like marriage as well,

has removed altogether the value and the benefits of friendship

as a place to find intimacy and love.

Therefore, in our society today,

friendship has a second-class status.

It's not viewed very highly.

It's viewed as something that comes and goes by circumstance and interest.

And if you're lucky to find a best friend for life,

then you're truly, truly lucky.

However, the Bible paints a very high view of the picture of friendship,

having a very, very high view indeed,

so much so that at the heart of the gospel

is the restoration of our friendship with God.

As Jesus says in John 15, 15,

And so as we look at this topic of spiritual friendship,

I want to discuss the difference the gospel makes in our lives,

how the gospel shapes our friendships that we make together here.

That friendship does not have to be some sort of second-class relationship.

But we can have truly satisfying, deep and meaningful,

intimate friendships with each other

because of Jesus and what he's done for us here.

And so firstly, we need to just deconstruct the myth

that friendship is a second-class relationship

that lacks intimacy and satisfaction.

So if your Bible's open, we're going to stay in 1 Samuel.

We're going to look at the example of Jonathan and David

and an example of true friendship

and deep and meaningful, satisfying friendship.

So we are first introduced to David and Jonathan as friends

back in chapter 18,

straight after David killed Goliath,

the hero of the Palestinian army.

And verse 1 of 18 shows that Jonathan's response to David

was incredible.

After David had finished talking with Saul,

Jonathan became one in spirit with David

and he loved him as himself.

As far as we are aware,

Jonathan hadn't even met David just yet,

but he's already so impressed by what David has done

by killing the giant Goliath

that he already feels an affinity with David himself.

And then in verse 3,

he comes to David and makes a covenant with him.

And Jonathan made a covenant with David

because he loved him as himself.

Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing

and gave it to David,

along with his tunic and even his sword,

his bow and his belt.

This scene might seem quite strange to you.

Undressing yourself is probably not the first thing

you would do when you made a friend.

You don't just go,

here's my shirt,

here's my pants.

You wouldn't just do that.

That's kind of strange.

But let's not get too distracted here

by our own modern day culture.

The scene plays out before us

as an incredible demonstration

of Jonathan's devotion and love to David.

By taking off his royal robes

and placing them on David,

by giving him his sword and his bow, his belt,

he's not merely signifying his gratitude

and generosity towards David for what he has done,

but he is signifying his allegiance to him,

showing that he was willing to give everything to him,

including his right to the throne.

In David, Jonathan saw one in whom he could follow

and serve and love as his friend and king.

Later on, this allegiance will be tested in chapter 20.

In this chapter, David feels that his life is in danger.

He feels King Saul, Jonathan's father,

seeks to kill him,

and he goes to Jonathan with all this,

knowing that Saul is quite well aware of their friendship.

He goes to Jonathan and says,

what's going to happen?

Why would this happen?

Here, Jonathan's love and faithfulness

is put to the test.

Here, their friendship is truly put on the line.

What will he decide to do?

To side with his father, the king,

or to side with his friend, David,

servant of the king?

And after dining with his father

and discovering his shameful hatred

that he had for David,

he chose his friend.

Verse 42,

Jonathan said to David,

go in peace,

for we have sworn friendship with each other

in the name of the Lord,

saying,

Jonathan's witness between you and me,

between your descendants

and my descendants forever.

Jonathan remembered

and kept his covenant with David

that he would be his friend

and he would seek to preserve his life

and ensure his well-being.

Jonathan did this

at the cost of his own well-being

and the throne of Israel itself.

He fulfilled the promises

he had given to David,

that he would protect him

and look after him,

that he wouldn't forsake him.

When Jonathan died in battle,

David mourned him,

saying this in 2 Samuel 1.26,

I grieve for you,

Jonathan, my brother.

You were very dear to me.

Your love for me was wonderful,

more wonderful than that of women.

This is not to be confused

as a sexual kind of love,

as some have done.

No, this is a deep,

intimate love of a friend

who gave his all for David.

The friendship that David had with Jonathan

was more satisfying

than the love of any woman.

It had a physical nature to it as well,

back in chapter 20, verse 41,

where it's recorded

that they were kissing each other,

embracing each other.

And it's easy for us to read this

and confuse it with a romantic idea

of kissing and embracing.

But then we would be missing

what was really going on here.

After being tested

and tempted to pledge his allegiance

to his father and king,

he decided that he would instead

pledge his allegiance

to the future king.

The king that God had anointed.

And he does this

in the most obvious

and expressive way,

by kissing him.

Fulfilling what we see

in Psalm 2, verse 12,

Psalms 2:12

which says,

serve the Lord with fear

and celebrate his rule

with trembling.

Kiss the son,

his son,

or he'll be angry.

Son, in the Psalms,

is often used

the term to describe

the Lord's anointed,

the king of Israel.

And so Jonathan here

is showing

that he's not just merely

pledging his allegiance

to David,

but to the God of Israel.

He doesn't just merely

kiss the son

to show he is devoted,

but showers him with kisses

to show that he is not just

his servant,

but his friend,

that he has great love

and affection for.

This kind of friendship

wasn't uncommon

or unique

in ancient times.

As Proverbs 18, 24

hints at,

one who has

unreliable friends

soon comes to ruin,

but there is a friend

who sticks closer

than a brother.

This is certainly true

for David and Jonathan,

perhaps true

for some of you

as well.

As Katie and I

prepare to get married,

we are obviously

looking at the guest list

of who's going to come,

who's not going to make it.

And obviously there are

some family members

that we have,

as I'm sure you all know,

that we would rather

leave off the guest list

because we've got

other friends

we want to bring

to the reception itself.

And so we have

deeper connections

and relations

with our friends sometimes

than our own family members,

just like David

and Jonathan had.

Just because we might

be related by

blood doesn't mean

we necessarily enjoy

the same kind

of deep relationship.

However,

in our modern world

we seem to think

that marriage

and what comes

naturally after that,

family,

is the ideal place

for finding fruitful,

intimate,

and fulfilling

relationships.

But at least

ever since

the book of Proverbs

and the example

of Jonathan,

family doesn't

necessarily provide

that for us.

It's a myth

that you can only

find love

and intimacy

in a romantic

sexual relationship

and then in family.

Yet we are constantly

told through all our media,

through books,

through movies,

through whatnot,

that we absorb

each and every day

that that is so.

And we end up

believing it.

Which leads us

as Christians

to idolise the idea

of the married life,

to dread

the single life,

but also to forget

altogether

the value

and benefit

of friendships.

We need to

deconstruct this myth.

There is a way

that we can

pursue deep

and meaningful

friendships

that are satisfying,

that are there for us

in times of need.

But what this looks like

for us

is the question.

And how does the gospel

shape our relationships

is the other question.

I think the key

to the strength

of David

and Jonathan's

friendship

was that they

placed at the centre,

was what they placed

at the centre

of their relationship.

And for us,

that is the key

as well.

If you take a moment

to think of your own friends

and your own life

around you,

think,

how did I become

friends of these people

right now?

How did I meet them?

And why are we

your friends?

What brought us together?

Most of the time

it's going to be

because of a particular

circumstance

that brought you together.

You've got your work friends

that you met at work,

your school friends

you met at school,

your church friends

you met at church,

your friends at mother group

that you met at mother group.

These places

are the places

which we make friends.

And then,

as you interact

with all these different people

in these places,

you work out

the people you want

to be friends with

based off the similar

interests you have

with them,

you have conversations

with these people

and there are moments

of affinity with them.

As you say,

you watch The Bachelor,

so do I.

Let's be friends.

You follow the swans

and you're grieving too?

Yes,

who am I?

Let's be friends.

You like travelling?

You like doing that too?

So do I.

Let's be friends.

C.S. Lewis

puts it like this.

Friendship

is born

at the moment

when one man

says to another,

what, you too?

I thought that

no one but myself

something.

Friendship is something

we enter into

freely

with one another

when we find

some affinity

with the other person.

I remember

having this exact

experience at 21st,

like just like this.

I semi-crashed

this 21st

and the person

I had met

was this,

he's his girlfriend's

21st.

And we're on the

dance floor

having a great time

and we just had

this moment

where we realised

we like the same music,

we like the same

hobbies,

we like the same

kind of clothing brands.

we had this

incredible moment

where we just enjoyed

each other's hobbies

and we became

straight away

best friends.

And that sparked

this friendship.

We actually are

quite good

at establishing

friendships

with people.

All you need

is a particular

circumstance

and a particular

interest

and straight away

you can get

a friendship going.

But the problem

is that we aren't

very good at

keeping friends.

And the reason

is because

most of our

friendships

fail to be

any deeper

than the circumstances

and the interests

that we have.

We rely upon them

too much

to hold it all together

but the reality is

things change

over time.

Interests change

or we change

locations

and then all of a sudden

our friendships

also change.

Danny Hoon

a friend of mine

back in high school

we were in the same

tutor group

or home group

you might call it

in the same

social group

as well

we caught the same

bus together

and we saw each

other a lot

throughout high school.

We would hang out

every single day.

We would go to

Macca's

during lunchtime

and sneak off

in our car.

After school

we would go to

Castle Towers

and eat Pizza Hut

together.

We would hang out

every single day

together

five days a week

at school.

It's been eight years

now since I've

finished high school

and I've not seen

him since.

I've even heard

from him.

I have no idea

what he's doing

in his life

and how he's going.

Like that

a solid friendship

was dismantled

and gone

because the

circumstances

were taken away

and the interests

were not able

to flourish

anymore.

And this

is the sad

reality we all

live in.

We base

our friendships

around the

convenient

circumstances

we all live

in.

We struggle

to stay

connected

with people

as friends

when those

circumstances

change.

So it's no wonder

why the world

views friendship

as a second

class relationship.

It seems

it's not the

same as

marriage

which has a

longevity

and a commitment

to it

and therefore

it can't be

as satisfying

for feeling

as marriage

or romantic

sexual

relationships.

But as we've

seen in the

Bible

friendship has

an incredibly

high status

friends.

The Bible

holds in

high regard

friends.

And it's a

part of our

being.

Known down

in Genesis

1.

Man was not

meant to

live alone.

God made

us to live

in friendship.

Part of

living in

the good

order of

creation

part of

what our

design is

is to be

friends at

the heart

of it.

Not just

friends with

God but

friends of

each other.

The gospel

story not

only unites

us to God

through Jesus'

death and

resurrection but

unites us to

each other as

well.

And so

how can

we then

have

satisfying

intimate

relationships,

friendships of

each other?

The gospel

I think

removes the

circumstances

and interest

as the

things that

hold our

friendships

together and

replaces these

things with

Christ himself

in the

centre.

Christ

becomes the

person we

anchor our

relationship in

and by doing

so the

friendship is

given a

purpose that

is based in

eternity.

It firstly

removes the

circumstance from

the equation

because the

place in which

our relationship

grows and

matures is in

Christ as

Ephesians 2.13

reminds us.

But now in

Christ Jesus

you who were

once far away

have been

brought near

by the

blood of

Christ.

The way in

which God

has reconciled

us to each

other is by

drawing us

together in

Christ.

Not in our

workplace,

not in our

mother's groups,

not in our

AFL football

clubs that we

are a part

of, but in

Christ.

It's in

him that we

as believers

enjoy a place

for our

friendship to

flourish.

A place that

will not fade

away or change,

a place that

we cannot escape

from no matter

how far we

might travel,

a strong

foundation for

our friendships

themselves.

It also

removes interest

from the

equation because

we are not

drawn together

because of the

common interest

we all have in

something, but

we are drawn

together because

of the common

faith we

express.

Ephesians 4

4 reminds us

this, there is

one body and

one spirit just

as you were

called to one

hope when you

were called.

One Lord, one

faith, one

baptism, one

God and Father

over all who

is over all and

through all and

in all.

We are not like a

football club.

We haven't all

come here together

because we like the

same AFL team.

I think that's

pretty obvious.

Not even our

love for waking

up early on

Sunday morning.

to sing and

to read and

to hear some

guy preach and

to do this

thing called

church.

No, it's in

the fact that

God has drawn

us together in

Christ and that

we share this

same experience

of being saved

and being known

by God and

that's why we've

come together

because God has

actually brought

us here together.

We're all very

different people.

We all come from

different places,

different backgrounds,

different interests,

and yet we're all

here together.

that's a miracle.

None of you would

be here right now

if it weren't for

Christ and for

him drawing you

in.

This is why we

wake up early to

come to church.

This is why I can

be friends with

Sam who supports

GWS.

Because we are in

Christ.

Christ is the

place in which

our friendships

flourish, removing

circumstance.

And Christ is the

person that draws

us together, removing

interests from the

equation.

And because he is

such, it means our

friendships can have

an eternal purpose.

And what is that

purpose?

It's a mutual

desire for one

other to see

each other, our

friends, grow in

maturity in Christ.

To help them

continue on the

journey of faith.

As Hebrews 10

reminds us, to

spur each other

on towards love

and good deeds

all the more as

we see the day

approaching.

Our goal for our

friendships, our

Christian spiritual

friendships, is to

see each other

get to the end.

As we run the

race together, we

serve each other, we

pray for each other,

we read the words

together with each

other, because we

want to see our

friends make it.

When we allow our

friendships to be

dictated by the

world, to allow our

interests and our

circumstances to be

the main things as to

what holds our

friendships together,

we won't only just

become lonely, but

we'll also be tempted

to turn our

friendships into

rivals as well.

being filled with

envy or jealousy,

looking at our

friends becoming

rivals.

But when we anchor

our friendships

around God in

Christ, the

character of

friendship changes

to be more about

serving the other

person, that is,

about gaining from

them, to help them

run the race of

life well.

This is exactly the

kind of relationship

Jonathan and David

had.

They had at the

centre of their

friendship a desire

to honour and to

serve God above all

else, which is why

Jonathan was not

tempted to become

David's rival.

He was not

tempted to actually

in the end support

his own father who

was wrong, but he

desired what was

good and what was

right and proper,

and that was to

serve David and to

serve God as his

king.

In the same way, as

we seek to befriend

one another, our

desire for doing

so, it's not

because we have the

same interests,

although that might

be the case.

It's not because we're

in the same place all

the time, although

right now we are in

the same place.

These things are

helpful, but the

ground for which our

friendships always

hold together is

Christ.

The purpose for its

longevity is always

Christ.

And when we

practise friendship

in such a way, that's

when we enter into

what is the most

satisfying and

fulfilling forms of

relationship, the

spiritual friendship.

As Christians, we

practise the art of

spiritual friendship

for the sake of

spurring each other

on towards love and

good deeds, towards

helping each other

seek to glorify and

to make God look

great.

That is the ultimate

purpose of our life,

to live and to love

God, and that's the

purpose of our

friendships, to help

make that flourish and

easy in some way.

To be there when it's

difficult and to be

there when it's good.

To continue to draw

our eyes back to God

in both those times.

That we might all

reach the goal of

being with him and

with each other in the

new creation.

When that is the goal

of our friendships, it

will allow the space

for being loved and

cared for, vulnerable

and helped, satisfied

and fulfilled as we

seek in Christ not

only one's present

good, but also one's

eternal good.

Amen.

Indeed.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

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Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

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Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.