The Mystery of Marriage

Well, good morning everyone.

I've not met you before, my name's Steve.

! Lee passed here at St. Paul's and we're starting a series, as we've said, on marriage.

! Marriage is finding that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

That's one definition of marriage.

Love is blind, but marriage is the great eye-opener.

Love is one long, sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other,

and so far we've been awake for the last three days.

If you're married, you'll resonate with some of those sort of short quips, if you like.

The interesting thing is, though, you don't need to be married for that,

to see some of it from that perspective, because we all see marriage through a distorted lens.

And that distorted lens is our own experience of it.

If your experience is parents who had a fantastic marriage,

that may cause you to see marriage as something that is relatively easy.

And you may get a profound shock when yourself are married

and discover how hard it is to forge a great marriage.

If you have experienced a troubled marriage or a divorce,

either as a child or now as an adult,

your view of marriage may be wary, pessimistic even.

You may be entering marriage, particularly if you grew up in a bad marriage,

you may be entering marriage expecting of relationship problems,

or when they appear, you're very quickly to go,

ah, here we go, this is exactly what I anticipated.

You see, any experience of marriage we've had would cause us,

in one way or another, to be unprepared for it.

Marriage, as we see there in verse 32 of Ephesians 5,

is a profound mystery.

It's unlike any other relationship in the world.

And so we're going to spend this term trying to unravel,

if you like, this profound mystery.

The plan is to give both the married and the unmarried people amongst us here

a biblical vision of marriage according to the Bible,

according to Christianity.

And so this series is for the approximately 59% of us who are married

in our church family.

And the hope will be it will correct mistaken views

and mistaken views that may be right now harming your marriage

and hopefully bring you to a perspective of grace.

When Nat and I got married 9,962 days ago today,

not that anyone's counting,

we were like most young modern couples.

We found marriage to be much harder than we expected it to be.

Marriage is, in reality, the union of two people

who come together with life's baggage.

And so marriage is glorious, but it's also profoundly hard.

It is a burning joy and strength,

and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears.

There are multitudes of humbling defeats and exhausting victories at the same time.

No marriage, I know, that is more than a few weeks old

could be described as a fairy trail come true.

Often, however, in the church, we don't talk like that.

We project an unhelpful view of marriage.

The thing is, I don't recall anyone saying to Nat and I

how hard it will be until one young couple said to us about,

asked us about 12 months into marriage,

how's your first 12 months been?

Because for us, it was a nightmare.

And you've been now married 20-odd years,

and it's like no one had ever said that to us.

Everyone talked about the honeymoon period.

That's all they talked about.

So it's for the marriage amongst us.

Secondly, we're doing this series for the 41% approximately

of unmarried people in our church family,

and hoping it will deal with any unhelpful over-desiring of marriage

or deal with any unhelpful, pessimistic dismissing of marriage.

Hopefully going to do that as well.

You see, single people need to...

They need a brutally realistic and yet glorious vision

of what marriage actually is and also what it can be.

And thirdly, we're doing this series,

and I must say primarily because of what we discovered

in Ephesians' last term.

We're actually doing this series because Ash said we should,

told me we should.

And he was right in that we got to the series in Ephesians

and we skipped over this one in one sermon,

and there's so much to unpack here

because the book of Ephesians reveals the position

and job description of the church

in affecting God's grand plan for all time and eternity.

And all of God's plans for eternity,

to make a people for himself,

to enjoy forever in his presence,

in unity through the Lord Jesus Christ,

is worked out in time and space through the church,

which the Bible describes as the bride of Christ.

I mentioned it many times last term.

The American pastor and theologian Jonathan Edwards said

that God created the entire universe

that the eternal Son of God might attain a spouse.

And so therefore, marriage, as we see it in the Bible,

is deeply connected to God's purposes for all things

and all time.

It's not a side point here.

It's not just a change of subject in Ephesians.

In Ephesians 5, we have the longest, most famous,

and, dare I say, controversial passage in the Bible on marriage.

And it's one that we can't just skip over.

And so I'm thankful to Ash for pushing me on this one.

And so the primary purpose, as we unpack this series,

is not tips on marriage.

It's not 10 takeaways to make your marriage a little bit healthier.

This is primarily theological.

It's primarily theological in understanding who God is

because that is what marriage does.

It helps us understand who God is.

And in understanding God, it helps us understand marriage.

That's where we're headed in the next number of weeks.

And you're probably going to have a bunch of questions,

and I may not answer any of them as we go through.

It's not marriage counselling, even though I dare say it should be helpful,

as even in my own preparation has been helpful for me.

So here's the three points for today.

We're going to look at, you know, it's really introductory, this sermon,

looking at marriage, broadly speaking, as it's shifted over time,

looking at the Bible's perspective,

and then finally we'll land on the mystery,

the profound mystery of marriage.

Okay, so first of all, marriage made over time.

In Western civilisations, there's been several competing views

as to what marriage is, what it should be.

Traditionally, over the centuries,

there's been the Catholic and the Protestant perspectives.

They're similar but different.

Similar in the sense that both taught that the purpose of marriage

was, or the institution of marriage,

was a lifelong devotion and love between a husband and a wife.

It was a solemn bond,

designed to help each other,

to subordinate individual impulses and interests

in favour of the union.

The Catholic Church, the Roman Catholic Church,

emphasised marriage as a sacrament of God's love.

Protestants understood marriage to be given by God,

not merely for Christians,

but in fact for the benefit of the entire of humanity.

Marriage was designed to build character

by bringing a male and a female together

into a binding partnership.

Now, these older traditional culture views,

and generally not just the Western civilisation,

but more traditional cultures have a similar view on this,

they taught that their members

to find meaning in duty

by embracing their assigned social roles

and carrying them out faithfully.

So personal meaning

was found through self-denial,

giving up one's freedoms,

and binding oneself to the duties

of marriage and family and society.

That's the traditional view.

That started to shift

in the 18th and 19th century,

particularly in Western civilisation,

which is now permeating most of the world

because we've got Hollywood and things like that.

It started to shift,

particularly being triggered

during the time of the Enlightenment.

The meaning of marriage in that season

came to be the freedom of the individual

to choose the life that most fulfils them personally.

That's the view that started to shift

in the 18th, 19th century.

And so marriage, with that view,

was being redefined

as finding emotional and sexual fulfilment

and self-actualisation.

That became the purpose of marriage.

And this new approach to marriage

saw marriage as a contract

between two parties

for mutual individual growth and satisfaction.

That is,

you married for yourself,

not for God,

not for society,

not for the other.

And spouses should, therefore,

this is the view,

be allowed to conduct their marriage

in any way they consider beneficial

for them personally.

And so broadly speaking,

what happened in the time of the Enlightenment

is this new perspective of marriage

privatised marriage.

It took it from the public sphere

to privatising it.

And it redefined its purpose

as individual gratification.

I can't tell you the number of couples

that are prepared for marriage

and you ask the question

about expectations

from broader families and so on,

and the vast majority say,

what does it matter?

We're the ones getting married.

It's our marriage after all.

It privatised marriage.

And so slowly but surely,

this newer understanding

of the meaning of marriage

became the dominant view in society,

which is what it is now.

It used to be a public institution

for the common good

and now it's a private arrangement

for the satisfaction of the individual.

Marriage used to be about us,

now it's about me.

And ironically,

one of the reasons for this shift

is the proponents of the new version of marriage,

the new view of marriage,

saw the old view of marriage

as being oppressive.

It's an oppressive view of marriage

and of life.

And the irony is

that this new view of marriage

actually puts a crushing burden

of expectations on marriage

and on spouses

in a way that more traditional understanding

of marriage never did.

And the particular burden

that is there nowadays

in the modern view of marriage

is this new idea

which arose out of the enlightenment,

the new idea of the compatible soulmate

that out there in the world

is the one.

The one.

And that concept is a,

the concept of compatibility

and the concept of a soulmate

is a very, very new development

in the institution of marriage.

And it creates an extreme idealism

that in turn leads to a deep pessimism.

You see, the new view of marriage

as self-realisation

has caused people

to first of all

want too much out of marriage

and yet also at the same time

not nearly enough out of marriage.

Men and women today

want a marriage

in which they can receive

emotional

and sexual satisfaction

from someone

who will simply

let them be

themselves.

They want a spouse

who is

fun,

intellectually stimulating,

sexually attractive,

where you've got

many common interests

and who on top of all of that

is entirely supportive

of your personal goals

and of the way

you are currently living

right now.

And that search,

looking for that person,

goes on and on

and on and on

trying to find them.

It takes

years.

Or in Nat's case,

it was pretty quick.

It does lead to a deep pessimism

in life

and for this concept

of marriage.

You see,

if your desire

is for a spouse

who will not demand

a lot of change

from you,

then you are looking

for a spouse

who is almost

completely together,

very low maintenance

and with virtually

no personal problems

at all,

you're looking for someone

who will not require

change

or demand

change.

not only

someone

who is

completely together

themselves,

but you're looking

for someone

who's prepared

to put up

with you

being not

completely together

yourself.

You are searching

therefore

for the ideal person,

happy,

healthy,

interesting,

stable,

wise,

content,

attractive,

together in life,

fully together

in life

and under 30.

Good luck

with that.

You see,

the assumption

that there is

someone out there

who is just

right for me

to marry

fails to

appreciate

the fact

that everyone

who gets

married

always,

everyone,

always

marries

the wrong

person.

They're going to be

doing it.

Did I just say that?

Yes,

I did just say that.

Every single

person

who marries

everyone,

they always

marry

the wrong

person.

And that's

because

we think

we know

the person

that we are

marrying

on that wedding

day,

but we

actually

don't.

Marriage

is a

journey

of

discovering

who

that

person

is.

What you

do when

you say

I do

is you

are marrying

a stranger.

Because even

when you

think you've

married the

right person,

it is just

a matter

of months

and they

will

change.

Because

marriage

brings you

into a

more

intense

proximity

to another

human being

than any

other

relationship.

And the

moment you

marry

someone

who

you think

you know,

by its

actual

definition,

marriage

begins to

change who

they are

in profound

ways.

There's not

a single

person who

can predict

the future.

There's not

a single

person who

on their

wedding day

knows how

their spouse

will change.

And so

the quest

for a

compatible

soulmate,

sorry,

compatible,

not

compatible,

you get

that anyway,

so compatible

soulmate is

an impossibility.

It's an

impossibility.

And so

we're faced

with a

problem with

the modern

view of

marriage.

Our

culture makes

individual

freedom,

personal

autonomy,

fulfillment,

the very

highest

values.

And the

reality is

every single

love

relationship.

But very

specifically

married

relationship

means the

loss of

those things.

And yet

choosing

to not

lose those

things and

therefore not

to commit

yourself to

another person

means you

lose yourself.

I think

no one put it

any clearer

than C.S.

Lewis in his

book,

The Four

Loves.

Love

anything and

your heart

will certainly

be wrung

and possibly

broken.

If you want

to make sure

of keeping

it intact,

you must give

your heart

to no one,

not even to

an animal.

Wrap it up

carefully,

round with

hobbies and

little luxuries.

Avoid all

entanglements.

Lock it up

safe in the

casket or the

coffin of your

selfishness.

But in that

casket,

safe,

dark,

motionless,

airless,

it will

change.

It will

not be

broken,

it will

become

unbreakable,

impenetrable,

irredeemable.

The alternative

is tragedy

or at least

to the risk

of tragedy

is damnation.

So which

do we

choose?

This brings

me to the

biblical view,

what the

Bible says

of our

marriage.

The

Bible begins

with the

wedding of

Adam and

Eve.

It ends

in the

book of

Revelation

with the

wedding of

Christ and

his church.

And there's

an awful

lot of

teaching in

the pages

in between

and examples

in the

pages in

between of

marriage.

And so the

beginning of

the Bible

records God

creating the

universe and

towards the

end of that

process of

creation,

we have

God saying

this,

let us

make man

in our

image.

This is

the, if you

like, the

earliest glimpse

of what is

the Christian

teaching on the

Trinity of God.

That is,

there is one

God,

Father,

Son,

and Holy

Spirit.

God's

God's

plurality is

the thing

that's

It was

St. Augustine

who said that

the Trinity is

the only version of God

and the only version of

God and the only version of

ultimate reality that has

personal relationship,

intimate personal

relationship at its very

core.

Only the God of

Christianity is a

God of community.

God is a, in

himself, a

self-sufficient,

self-sustaining

community.

The technical term

is perichoresis,

a mutual

indwelling of

mutual

sacrificial love.

That is at the

core of

ultimate reality.

unity.

Three persons

delighting in

and loving

each other.

You see,

if God were a

singular being,

monotheistic

view,

then

love and

relationship

would be entirely

secondary to

God.

It would be

secondary to

ultimate reality.

That is,

love,

relationship,

community

would be

derived from,

not at the

center of.

And that's

the only way

that we can

come to

terms with

Genesis

Genesis 2:18

chapter 2

verse 18

which says,

the Lord God

said,

it is not

good for

the man

to be

alone.

Every single

thing in the

creation account

up to this

point,

God said

is good.

This is the

only time

where he says

something is

not good.

God.

And the

missing piece

is Adam,

the man,

is made in

the image of

a God who

is us,

not me.

He was

made in the

image of an

eternal

community.

And so

personal

relationships are

the essence of

humanity.

Deep

relationship with

God,

deep relationship

with other

human beings

and particularly

deep relationship

with other

human beings

who are

different than

us.

And so

God creates

woman.

And the

last thing we

see in the

creation account

is that God

officiates at

the first

wedding in

Genesis chapter

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

2.

And when the

man sees the

woman, like

him but

different than

him, he

breaks out in

poetry and

exclaims,

oh boy,

wow,

wow,

at last,

this is it.

And so we

are meant to

conclude that

marriage to

our relationship

with God is

the most

profound

relationship in

all of

created order.

It reflects

the God who

made us.

God

reflects his

eternal

purposes to

bring humanity

into relationship

with himself and

be united with

himself through

the Lord Jesus

Christ forever.

So the

Bible doesn't

see marriage

as a human

institution that

is shaped by

culture as we

choose to shape

it.

It sees

marriage as

something that

is invented

by God

to display

something of

God and

his purposes

for humanity.

It sits

above culture.

Now, having

said that,

it's also a

human institution

and it reflects

the character

and the

particular human

culture in which

it's embedded.

But having

said that,

the Bible,

its teaching

on marriage,

does not

reflect a

particular

perspective of

any one

culture at

any one

time.

And so we

will unpack

this as we

go through

the rest of

Ephesians 5

and some of

the more

controversial

bits.

Controversial

bits because

of culturally

for our

time.

We're reading

it through a

lens of a

culture, not

through God's

purposes.

And so the

Bible challenges

our contemporary

Western culture's

narrative of

individual freedom

as the only

way to be

happy.

It also

critiques how

traditional

cultures perceive

the unmarried

adult to be

less than a

fully formed

human being.

Genesis

critiques the

institution of

polygamy.

It records it.

It doesn't

endorse it.

Because even

in the times of

Genesis, it

was accepted

cultural practice.

and so what

Genesis does

for us, it

records the

misery and

the havoc it

plays in

family relationships

and the

pain that it

caused and

particularly for

women.

The New

Testament writers

lift up long

term singleness

as a legitimate

way to live in

a way that is

countercultural to

our day and

countercultural to

traditional

communities and

societies.

And so what we

can't do is we

can't write off

the biblical view

of marriage as

being one

dimensional, as

being regressive

and culturally

obsolete.

You can't do

that.

The Bible also

tells us that

sin is the

source of all

relational

breakdown.

Because straight

after the first

wedding of Adam

and Eve, these

newlyweds rejected

God's rule over

their life.

They disobeyed

his commands,

went down the

path of self

realisation,

living for

themselves.

And what

happened in that

moment with Adam

and Eve was

immediately, it

was profound.

They went from

the wow,

unity,

they went from

total transparency

and vulnerability

to immediately

wanting to cover

themselves up,

to immediately

wanting to hide

themselves from

the one who

moments earlier

they went,

wow.

and so the main

reason no one

ever marries the

right person

is because all

of us since

that day

are broken

by sin

and we are

all profoundly

self-centred.

And so the

Bible's view of

marriage explains

why it is so

good and

important

and it

teaches

us

sin

is the

reason why

it makes

it so

hard.

That's the

biblical

perspective of

holding both

of those things

together.

So let's

jump very

quickly to

Ephesians 5

and the

mystery of

marriage.

That phrase,

if you like,

verse 32 is

the pinnacle

of

Ephesians 5

and this

passage on

marriage.

And the

one that I

think many

married people

can relate

to is

verse 32.

This is a

profound

mystery.

The Greek

word that

Paul uses

there is

mysterion

and it

has a

range of

meanings

including

the idea

of secret,

the idea

of a

secret.

And in

the Bible

the word

secret

means a

wondrous

unlooked

for truth

that God

is making

known through

his spirit.

We're not

looking for

it but God's

revealing it

through his

spirit.

That's what

the idea

is.

And this is

how he

describes

marriage.

In verse

31 he

quotes the

final verse

of the

Genesis

account of

the first

marriage.

A man

shall leave

his father

and mother

and be

united to

his wife

and the

two shall

become one

flesh.

and then

he adds

this is

a profound

mystery or

quite literally

this is a

mega

mysterion.

It's an

extraordinarily

great,

wonderful and

profound

truth that

can be

understood

only with

the help

of God's

spirit.

what is the

secret of

marriage?

What is the

mystery, the

profound

mystery?

Paul

immediately

adds it.

I am

talking about

Christ and

the church.

That's the

mystery of

marriage.

And when he

says about

that, what

he's referring

to is verse

25.

A husband,

love your

wives just

as Christ

loved the

church and

gave himself

up for

her.

See, the

profound

mystery is

not marriage

per se.

The profound

mystery is

what husbands

should do for

their wives

is what

Jesus has

already done

to bring us

into union

with the

God who's

created us.

That's the

profound

mystery.

Jesus gave

himself up

for us.

the profound

mystery is

that every

marriage is

a snapshot

of the

union

between

God

and his

spouse,

his people,

the church.

Every

marriage.

Jesus,

God the

son,

though equal

with the

father,

gave up

his glory,

humbled

himself,

took on

our human

nature.

He

willingly

lowered

himself

further

down even

still by

dying on a

Roman cross,

paying the

penalty for

our sin of

rejecting God

and pursuing

self-actualization.

And in doing

so, he removes

our guilt and

our condemnation

so that we

can be united

with him and

take on his

glorious nature.

He gave up

his infinite

glory.

He broke an

eternal

relationship and

became a

slave.

He died to

his own

self-interest

and looked

to our

interests

instead.

Jesus'

sacrificial

service to

us has

brought us

into a

deep union

with him

and he

with us.

And Paul

says that

the key to

not only

understanding

marriage,

but living

marriage,

is that.

as one

commentator

put it,

when God

designed the

original marriage,

he already

had Christ

and the

church in

mind.

This is

one of

God's great

purposes in

marriage,

to picture

the relationship

between Christ

and his

redeeming people

forever.

It's like

God had

planned out

the grand

plan.

The grand

plan was to

bring a

people,

unite his

son to

his spouse,

the bride

of Christ,

the church,

for all of

eternity,

in his

presence,

where they

would enjoy

the presence

of God,

they would

enjoy a

relationship,

a mutual

love,

for all of

eternity,

and they're

like,

okay,

so in the

meantime,

how do we

reveal something

of that so

that people can

grasp that

which is

profoundly

ungraspable,

graspable,

whatever that

word is.

How do we

do that?

Marriage,

between a

man or

woman.

That'll be

the picture

that will

reveal the

reality.

Marriage,

as the

Bible

describes it,

because of

Christ and

what he has

done for us,

is not

inherently

oppressive at

all.

Paul shows

us that even

on earth,

Jesus did

not use his

power to

oppress us,

but he

sacrificed

everything to

bring us

into union

with him.

This deeply,

deeply impacts

marriage on a

practical level.

If God

had the

gospel of

salvation through

Jesus in

mind when he

established

marriage,

then marriage

flourishes

to the

degree it

follows that

pattern of

God's

self-giving

love in

Christ.

What Paul

is saying

is that

marriage is

not inherently

oppressive and

restrictive,

nor are its

demands

overwhelming.

Feeling stuck

in your

marriage?

or Paul

says,

you do

for your

spouse

what God

did for

you in

Jesus and

the rest

will follow.

The mystery

of marriage

is that the

gospel of

Jesus and

marriage actually

explain one

another.

When God

invented

marriage,

he already

had the

saving work

of Jesus

in mind.

So is

the purpose

of marriage

to deny

your interest

for the

good of

your family

and society

at large,

or is it

to assert

your interest

for the

fulfillment

of yourself?

Which one

is it?

Because

traditional

and modern

marriages

puts a

choice

between

those two

things.

The Bible

does not

present

marriage

as a

choice

between

fulfillment

and

sacrifice.

Christianity

sees marriage

as mutual

fulfillment

through

mutual

sacrifice.

Jesus

humbled

himself,

lay

aside

his

glory

and

gave

himself

over

to

death

to

save

us

and

to

make

us

his.

And

now

we

give

ourselves

up.

We

die

to

ourselves

first

when we

repent

and believe

the gospel

and later

as we

submit to

his

will

day

by

day.

You

see

when we

give

ourselves

to

Jesus

completely

surrender

ourselves

to

Jesus

we

discover

it's

radically

safe

radically

safe

because

he has

already

shown

us

that

he

is

willing

to

go

to

hell

and

back

for

us.

Surrending

oneself

to

Jesus

does

not

mean

losing

yourself

at

all.

It

means

in

fact

gaining

yourself.

His

love

is

unconditional

and

so

what

the

mystery

of

marriage

does

is

it

reveals

the

beauty

and

the

depths

of

the

gospel

to

you

and

marriage

will

drive

you

further

into

reliance

on

it.

Marriage

is a

major

vehicle

for the

gospel's

remaking

of your

heart

from the

inside

out

and of

your

life

from the

ground

up.

the

reason

that

marriage

is so

painful

and yet

so

wonderful

is

because

it

reflects

the

gospel

which

is

both

painful

and

wonderful

at

the

same

time.

The

gospel

declares

to all

of us

that we

are more

sinful

and evil

and selfish

than we

would ever

ever

imagine

or allow

us to

even

think of

ourselves

in that

way.

and yet

at the

very

same

time

we

are

more

loved

and

accepted

in

Jesus

Christ

than

we

ever

dreamed

that

we

would

ever

be

loved.

And

that's

the

only

kind

of

relationship

that

will

ultimately

transform

us

because

love

without

truth

of who

we

are

is

actually

weak.

It

affirms

us

in all

of our

faults

in all

of our

failings

and there's

no

change.

Truth

without

love

is

harsh

because

it gives

us

information

we just

frankly

do not

want to

hear

and

can't

hear.

And so

it

crushes

us.

But

God's

saving

love

in

Christ

is

marked

by

both

radical

truthfulness

about

who

we

are

and

yet

also

radical

unconditional

love

commitment

to us

even

though

we

are

who

we

are.

The

merciful

commitment

strengthens

us to

see the

truth about

ourselves

and to

change.

The

conviction

and

repentance

moves us

to cling

to and

rest in

God's

mercy

and

grace

and

love.

And so

the hard

times of

marriage

drive us

to experience

more of

this

transforming

love of

God

and a

good

marriage

will always

be a

place

where we

experience

this kind

of transforming

love.

We'll

experience

both.

The gospel

can fill

our hearts

with God's

love so

that we can

handle it

when our

spouse fails

to love us

as we think

they should

love us

or when

they point

out the

falls and

the

failures.

You see

the security

of God's

love means

that we

can speak

to our

spouse's

sins and

flaws

while also

loving and

accepting them

fully because

we are already

loved and

accepted fully

in Jesus.

And when

our spouse

experiences that

same kind

of truthfulness

but also

commitment to

us,

it enables

them to

show us

that same

kind of

transforming

love when

it's their

time for

it too.

That's the

profound mystery

of marriage.

It helps

us understand

the gospel

in a profound

and a deep

way.

And that's

the bedrock,

that's the

foundation,

that's the

pinnacle,

and that

foundation

then gets

unpacked in

profound ways

in the coming

weeks.

And next week

we'll look at

the power

that is

needed to

live such

a marriage

relationship.